Newsflash: Schmoigerman Builds Grave and Memorial Park

BS"D

(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

Once again, the incorrigible Scourge of Creedmoor, the inimitable self ordained Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman, has hit new lows in his consistent attempt to defraud all and sundry.

At his infamous "Yahrtzeit Tish," where he commemorates the supposed founding of his community, he instructed his followers to build a grave and memorial park on yet another swath of abandoned Creedmoor territory.

And what name appears on the gravestone?

His own, of course, along with a date of death April 1, 1948.

Since Schmoigerman is not more than 50 years old according to the one arrest record which we do have access to (misdemeanor attempt to bribe a traffic policeman with frozen "galle" in West Virginia in 1975), such a gravestone can only mean yet another elaborate attempt to either commit fraud on a colossal scale or to conceal one of his many known schemes.

All we know at this point is that Schmoigerman told his followers:

"Is by us a Chassidis fin 150 kvintillyon neshumes. We is havink drei shils, fir yeshives, un more from 500 kvintilyon welfare cheques beink donated every month! Dis is not good enough! Yeder andere chassidis also iz hevink a kever of dere old rebbe to go to far brooches and aytzes! We also must to have such a tink and not in Europe neither but doh in Kridmoor! Derfar, I is hereby proclaimink dat we is to build for me a kever, a grevestone, so people iz comink end askink me far brooches even if I am gone! And I want der should be dere a gate dat can be opened only mit an EBT kartel oder a kredit-kard..."

Loosely translated, the Admou"r has asked that a gravestone be erected for him behind a gate that can be opened only with payment made by welfare or credit card.

While this is par for the course for the plastic and tinfoil clad Grand Rabbi of a congregation that seems to exist only on subsidy rolls, what we cannot determine is whether Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to proclaim himself deceased to either escape prosecution for his various and sundry fraudulent scams. 

Sources inform us that even if he does proclaim his own death and issue himself a "peyger'n tzertifikat" (a legal document issued by his rump Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred and now recognized by Nigeria and Zimbabwe along with the EU, Venezuela, Iran and Turkmenistan), he will simply resurrect himself with either a new name or a new forged birth certificate under the same name but with a place of birth other than "Vilyemsberg Refugee Enkepment, Ingarn" and a date of birth other than "Unknown, 1948".

Preliminary Yahrtzeit Tish Coverage: 80 Qunitillion New Personalities To Promote Machloikes!

BS"D

As of now we have only the following summary of the 61st Yahrtzeit Tish (we believe that we will be able to post more upon our next contact with the Admou"r later today or early tomorrow):

"And I hereby now to proclaim dat der yohr I am making nisht less den 80 kvinitillion naye hyliger neshumes, new personelities solely far the purpose from creatink more machloikes in Creedmoor and derefar postponink forever the tzioinishe pipe dream from geula and redemption! And each of them is to be subsidied by der Fetter Shmiel as a tikkin for der Amerikanisher support fin der tzioinish entity! We is overkomink! We is prevailink!

Also I am sayink dat is not enough two Creedmoorer Chassidus'n (note that the 2 official congregations to date are the larger and better known K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin and the breakaway K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor). It is recumbent upon us dat we must create a third kehilla and I am namink dis one "Kehillas Gezel veMirma d'Creedmoor Hashem Yashmideyhee veYeabdyhee!"

Dis is so dat we can finally take over and rebuild E-ward as we is outgrowink D-ward and now E-ward also is ebendoned and it is to be ours! And I am direktink dat all three kehillois kedyshes is to be machink all the time machloikes in milchomes each one mit both from der anderer!

We iz tenkful to der Obama administration far new programs det is allowink us to grow in leaps from bounds in entitlement program fraud and to even be able to esk far our own bailout passage!"

Indeed, a "Cheat the Government Now, I'll Show You How" seminar was held for official Creedmoor patients and staff in the "newly liberated E-ward". Said ward consists of one pre war outhouse and three storage sheds, which were duly cleared out so that they would hold seminar participants. After the seminar, participants were invited to the outhouse (now called the Beis Kisse HaKovoid) to view the Admou"r sitting on the vintage throne which remained preserved in the long shut facility.

And the Department of Health and Human Services advertised on such bastions of diversity as WBAI and Pacifica in search of properly ethnically diverse temporary data clerks to handle the huge influx of Schmoigerman generated welfare and unemployment applications.

Veho'ir Creedmoor tzoholo vesameicho...

The Yahrtzeit Is Tomorrow!

BS"D

The 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r meCreedmoor is tomorrow, April 1, 2009.

The date commemorates the day on which the committment order was signed for David Schmoigerman, stating that he was to be confined to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Institution in perpetuity.

As for the year, the Admou"r considers 1948 to have been "der yohr ven der Yiddishe folk hot gepeygert" (the year the Jewish people "croaked") as it was of course the year in which the Zionist entity was founded.

Also, while the Admou"r was committed in 1995, he needed to backdate several deeds to 1948 in order to claim ownership of the D-ward abandoned buildings in which he resides and where his Chassidus is headquartered.

Therefore, tomorrow, April 1 (78676 Av 3, 5708) is celebrated as the 61st Yahrtzeit of the Admou"r, as the day Creedmoorer Chassidus was revealed is most certainly a yahrtzeit for the rest of Klal Yisroel.

And of course, der Admou"r has much planned for tomorrow; a report will be posted no later than Friday of this week (which will be the last Creedmoor post until after Pesach).