BS"D
"He no good Joo. No good Joo. Take all my Joo paper away!"
So cried Lim Bok Choy, an illegal alien from Fukien province in China who runs "Dreck for a Dollar," a dollar store in Kew Gardens Hills, Queens.
"No good rabbi say paper no good. He say you have to learn many year for that and I can't sell it. Other rabbi very nice man very big wearing orange vest he sign and tell me to sell even three for a dollar!"
The papers in question are rabbinical ordination certificates signed by the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. He has been supplying them to several dollar stores in Jewish areas throughout the tri-state area, limiting their distribution to non-Jewish and non-English speaking store owners.
This morning, volunteers from a shadowy organization called "Association for the Protection of the Integrity of Our Neighborhoods," confiscated several reams of these worthless certificates from stores throughout Brooklyn and Queens.
A spokesman for the association stated: "You can get certificates like this for yourself, your son, or your son-in-law by donating major money to a real yeshiva. We do not want the value of our certificates to be cheapened by these clear fakes that are issued by an impostor who has no connection to any known community or rabbinical organization."
Showing posts with label fraud fraud and more fraud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fraud fraud and more fraud. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year
BS"D
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Creedmoorer to Speak at Simcha Hall Dedication
BS"D
While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.
The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.
It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.
In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"
And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.
While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.
The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.
It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.
In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"
And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction
BS"D
Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.
The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.
All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.
The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.
Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.
We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.
We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.
This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.
We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.
Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.
The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.
All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.
The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.
Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.
We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.
We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.
This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.
We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Der Admou"r's Resolutions for the New Welfare Year
BS"D
At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.
The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.
At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.
His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.
At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.
The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.
At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.
His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Admou"r Needs Your Help - Man of the Non-Zionist Year 2009
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:
1) Chilul Hashem berabim
2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law
3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel
4) A willingness to do anything for money.
5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock
6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot
The choices are between:
1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek
Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!
Thank you,
The Vaad haMesader
The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:
1) Chilul Hashem berabim
2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law
3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel
4) A willingness to do anything for money.
5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock
6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot
The choices are between:
1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek
Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!
Thank you,
The Vaad haMesader
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Creedmoor Readies Itself for Pilgrimage of 150 Quintillion Souls on Dec 25
BS"D
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Admou"r Denounces Win of Yankees, Alleges Zionist Plot
BS"D
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Breaking News: Creedmoorer Soifer Found Floating in Aegean Sea
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.
Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.
Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.
However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.
Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.
Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.
So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.
However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.
Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.
Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.
However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.
Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.
Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.
So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.
However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.
Newsflash: "Creedmoorer Goyte" arrested with false green card
BS"D
The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.
The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.
When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."
An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.
As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.
Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.
The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.
The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.
When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."
An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.
As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.
Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Breaking Mikve News: Schmoigerman to Receive Nobel Prize for Economics
BS"D
In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.
More tomorrow as details become available.....
In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.
More tomorrow as details become available.....
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
A Creedmoorer Is Excused From Jury Duty
BS"D
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.
Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:
"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"
When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.
Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.
Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:
"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"
When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.
Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Creedmoorer: We must return to our roots before Avrohom Avinu
BS"D
During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:
"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.
So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.
It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.
This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.
We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.
The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.
This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."
NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.
During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:
"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.
So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.
It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.
This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.
We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.
The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.
This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."
NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Mysterious Creedmoor Clergyman Issues Statement on Ted Kennedy
BS"D
"The CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church - mourns the very timely and much delayed passing of Senator Edward Kennedy, alcoholic, cheater, hit and run driver and all around good man. We must mention in passing wind his contributions which allow us to receive the welfare and other programs upon which we depend. May he enjoy the eternal rest that awaits him in the deepest fires of infernity!"
This cryptic statement was issued by "Father David O'Schmoiger of the CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church", a hitherto unknown organization sharing a PO Box address with the various organizations and congregations run by the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.
The establishment of a church in the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor can point to only one possibility - an attempt to further defraud the Federal Government of the United States of America by some type of attempt at an interfaith program that would be subsidized by welfare or similar Federal payments.
A review of the 150 quintillion soul and singular body membership of the original Creedmoor congregation does show a number of members of Irish origin, including one gentleman by the name of Abd ul-Wahid O'Shaugnessy, and his wife, Faige Chaye Malone O'Shaugnessy. Apparently, Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to separate those entities who bear surnames that are associated with the Roman Church into a new set of phantom organizations so as to obtain even more funding.
However, with the late Edward Kennedy having assumed long overdue room temperature, it is not known which Senator will be able to assist Schmoigerman in his latest quest to obtain extended subsidies and grants.
We can only surmise that Schmoigerman, most of whose followers voted for the present Presidential administration, is about to call in yet more favors from either the President or other politicians who swept into office rather than ended up sweeping floors thanks to Schmoigerman's sweeping endorsement and clean sweep of phantom votes on their behalf.
"The CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church - mourns the very timely and much delayed passing of Senator Edward Kennedy, alcoholic, cheater, hit and run driver and all around good man. We must mention in passing wind his contributions which allow us to receive the welfare and other programs upon which we depend. May he enjoy the eternal rest that awaits him in the deepest fires of infernity!"
This cryptic statement was issued by "Father David O'Schmoiger of the CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church", a hitherto unknown organization sharing a PO Box address with the various organizations and congregations run by the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.
The establishment of a church in the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor can point to only one possibility - an attempt to further defraud the Federal Government of the United States of America by some type of attempt at an interfaith program that would be subsidized by welfare or similar Federal payments.
A review of the 150 quintillion soul and singular body membership of the original Creedmoor congregation does show a number of members of Irish origin, including one gentleman by the name of Abd ul-Wahid O'Shaugnessy, and his wife, Faige Chaye Malone O'Shaugnessy. Apparently, Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to separate those entities who bear surnames that are associated with the Roman Church into a new set of phantom organizations so as to obtain even more funding.
However, with the late Edward Kennedy having assumed long overdue room temperature, it is not known which Senator will be able to assist Schmoigerman in his latest quest to obtain extended subsidies and grants.
We can only surmise that Schmoigerman, most of whose followers voted for the present Presidential administration, is about to call in yet more favors from either the President or other politicians who swept into office rather than ended up sweeping floors thanks to Schmoigerman's sweeping endorsement and clean sweep of phantom votes on their behalf.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor
BS"D
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Solomon "Drek" Dwek and der Admou"r
BS"D
We have been asked many times lately regarding the connection, if any, between moiser Solomon Drek and der Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Therefore, we will answer the three most frequently asked questions regarding Creedmoor and this sordid affair. Of course, we will answer every question with - another question:
1) Did Solomon Drek attempt to entrap der Admou"r meCreedmoor?
-Is pork treyf?
2) Is Solomon Drek a renegade Creedmoorer Chossid?
-Is Madoff guilty?
3) Is Der Admou"r meCreedmoor involved in illicit trafficking in either human organs, counterfeit handbags, or both?
-Is Der Admou"r so meshigge that he is NOT involved in such lucrative scams?
More on the Drek Dwek scandal and how Creedmoor impacted Drek Dwek once and for all on Sunday.
Until then please enjoy the most definitely non Creedmoor serialized frum novels on http://www.frumebook.com.
We have been asked many times lately regarding the connection, if any, between moiser Solomon Drek and der Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Therefore, we will answer the three most frequently asked questions regarding Creedmoor and this sordid affair. Of course, we will answer every question with - another question:
1) Did Solomon Drek attempt to entrap der Admou"r meCreedmoor?
-Is pork treyf?
2) Is Solomon Drek a renegade Creedmoorer Chossid?
-Is Madoff guilty?
3) Is Der Admou"r meCreedmoor involved in illicit trafficking in either human organs, counterfeit handbags, or both?
-Is Der Admou"r so meshigge that he is NOT involved in such lucrative scams?
More on the Drek Dwek scandal and how Creedmoor impacted Drek Dwek once and for all on Sunday.
Until then please enjoy the most definitely non Creedmoor serialized frum novels on http://www.frumebook.com.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Admou"r: Do NOT Say Tehillim for Kim Jong Il
BS"D
Emergency update due to urgent communication from the Admou"r meCreedmoor:
"To all of our myriads of phantom followers who exist only on the welfare and entitlement program rolls throughout the world as well as to the handful of unicerebralcellular creatures who truly do follow in the barely flickering one watt bulb which illuminates the Chassidus of Creedmoor:
It is with great displeasure that I have heard that there are some among you who wish to pray for the recovery of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il ymach shmo veyeabed zichro lanetzach la'ad, ben yechido d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin.
Are you not aware that this rosho and menivel has threatened to bomb Hawaii? Are you not aware that only I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, am authorized to make absurd threats against the Great Satanic States of America, and that I can make these threats only so that you, my beloved phantom followers, can obtain additional welfare subsidies which you then must sign over to me as I am your true Creator in any event? Are you so blinded by the poison of international Zionism that you do not understand that if Hawaii were to disappear, we would be receiving welfare and entitlement programs in only 49 states?
Remember that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, only feign insanity for the purpose of obtaining my most fair share of the monies paid by the Zionist taxpayers of the Great Satanic States of America.
However, Kim Jong Il yemach shmo truly is insane, and if he were to fall under my most holy and exalted jurisdiction, after we sign up all of his multiple personalities on all possible welfare and medical subsidy payments, he would be sentenced to a lifetime of washing dishes for the true mental patients who reside in C-ward.
And it must be mentioned that C-ward is under the direction of my most dear Chossid and Minister for Medicaid Affairs, Dr Rajesh Shah, former goatherd of Gujarat and graduate of the University of Creedmoor Faculty of Medicine, which shares a post office box with K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and has therefore become a mokom kedusha under the jurisdiction of the Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor and the Beis Din Elyoin d'Krisois veMisois d'Alcatraz.
Therefore, I proclaim that we must not in any way beseech Allah for the refieh of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il, and that we instead join the rest of the world in wishing him a misse meshine besoich shaar tzioinei oilam. This does not in any way mean that we will join the rest of the world in any other fashion except when we are able to receive welfare and related payments from any government entity on this or any other planet."
-Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Admou"r meCreedmoor and Gaavad Alcatraz.
Emergency update due to urgent communication from the Admou"r meCreedmoor:
"To all of our myriads of phantom followers who exist only on the welfare and entitlement program rolls throughout the world as well as to the handful of unicerebralcellular creatures who truly do follow in the barely flickering one watt bulb which illuminates the Chassidus of Creedmoor:
It is with great displeasure that I have heard that there are some among you who wish to pray for the recovery of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il ymach shmo veyeabed zichro lanetzach la'ad, ben yechido d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin.
Are you not aware that this rosho and menivel has threatened to bomb Hawaii? Are you not aware that only I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, am authorized to make absurd threats against the Great Satanic States of America, and that I can make these threats only so that you, my beloved phantom followers, can obtain additional welfare subsidies which you then must sign over to me as I am your true Creator in any event? Are you so blinded by the poison of international Zionism that you do not understand that if Hawaii were to disappear, we would be receiving welfare and entitlement programs in only 49 states?
Remember that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, only feign insanity for the purpose of obtaining my most fair share of the monies paid by the Zionist taxpayers of the Great Satanic States of America.
However, Kim Jong Il yemach shmo truly is insane, and if he were to fall under my most holy and exalted jurisdiction, after we sign up all of his multiple personalities on all possible welfare and medical subsidy payments, he would be sentenced to a lifetime of washing dishes for the true mental patients who reside in C-ward.
And it must be mentioned that C-ward is under the direction of my most dear Chossid and Minister for Medicaid Affairs, Dr Rajesh Shah, former goatherd of Gujarat and graduate of the University of Creedmoor Faculty of Medicine, which shares a post office box with K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and has therefore become a mokom kedusha under the jurisdiction of the Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor and the Beis Din Elyoin d'Krisois veMisois d'Alcatraz.
Therefore, I proclaim that we must not in any way beseech Allah for the refieh of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il, and that we instead join the rest of the world in wishing him a misse meshine besoich shaar tzioinei oilam. This does not in any way mean that we will join the rest of the world in any other fashion except when we are able to receive welfare and related payments from any government entity on this or any other planet."
-Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Admou"r meCreedmoor and Gaavad Alcatraz.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Part 5 - Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - The Film Fails..or does it?
BS"D
"Make a skin flick for frimme oisvorfen" was Reb Mechel's advice to his soon to be Rebbetzin, Cholerye Kosinska. "All you iz needink to do iz to show a skirt above der kneez, elbowz exposed end high heelz mit an open toe"!
Needless to say, Reb Mechel Groszberg failed to take into account that such a silly comedy, shot with poor equipment as Cholerye planned, could only be shown on the Internet, where no revenue was possible except for a few Google ads. That did not stop even him from purchasing another eighty-five per cent of the new film, which was now subscribed for 36,000 shares of one per cent each.
The film was made, and Cholerye starred by scrubbing hard and fast, cleaning the entire Creedmoor compound with strong bleach and making it shine with floor wax.
And an amazing thing happened:
Maria Osiolzka, the director of Maria's Maids, and one of the investors, immediately realized that it would be a fine training film for Polish cleaning ladies working in Jewish homes, especially at peak Pesach time. Therefore, she got a video production company to put the film on disk with Polish subtitles, and paid Cholerye $500 for the privilege. As the lighting was very poor and no one could see any of Cholerye's exposed skin, the esteemed director of Beis Frimme d'Kanoim purchased rights to the film in Yiddish for another $500, for use in her advanced seminary where girls were taught how to clean homes and cook and not much else of practical use.
Now, the film had made a profit of $1000 as it had cost nothing to shoot, the camera and cleaning supplies and even Cholerye's outfit all having been duly stolen from well known Borough Park stores. That meant that Cholerye had to divide 36500% of $1000 among her investors. She did not have this kind of money, even in stolen silver. No, Cholerye would not have major losses that would prevent her giving a return on her investors' money and food stamps. She actually had to pay out.
Cholerye had therefore just become a major liability for Reb Mechel Groszgrub, who could not marry her as she was now being chased by half of the same people whose stolen silver and rings sat in his shop for resale.
That left Cholerye with one option. Confess all to the Admou'r meCreedmoor in the hope he would need a third Rebbetzin.
After she confessed to her scheme, the Admou"r simply assigned a few more crimes to Cholerye by showing that she herself had applied for welfare as an illegal alien with assets when in reality all checks were going to the Admou"r.
The Admou"r was of course unarrestable, but such was not the case with Cholerye, who now faces deportation after she finishes her five year sentence for theft and fraud.
Fortunately, the Admou"r never found out that Mechel Groszgrub was behind the whole scam. But to be sure, he transferred the Kosinska welfare checks to the name Mechel Groszgrub at his own Creedmoor address. This way, if his Chossid dared to challenge him for the Rebbeschaft, he, too, would be deported straight back to Beedapesht. In addition, the Admou'r's becher collection increased by 100 units when a masked robber entered the Groszgrub store and relieved the proprietor of 120 bechers, 20 as his own fee and 100 for the Admou"r.
Score: Creedmoor 10, Kosinska -1000, Groszgrub -10
"Make a skin flick for frimme oisvorfen" was Reb Mechel's advice to his soon to be Rebbetzin, Cholerye Kosinska. "All you iz needink to do iz to show a skirt above der kneez, elbowz exposed end high heelz mit an open toe"!
Needless to say, Reb Mechel Groszberg failed to take into account that such a silly comedy, shot with poor equipment as Cholerye planned, could only be shown on the Internet, where no revenue was possible except for a few Google ads. That did not stop even him from purchasing another eighty-five per cent of the new film, which was now subscribed for 36,000 shares of one per cent each.
The film was made, and Cholerye starred by scrubbing hard and fast, cleaning the entire Creedmoor compound with strong bleach and making it shine with floor wax.
And an amazing thing happened:
Maria Osiolzka, the director of Maria's Maids, and one of the investors, immediately realized that it would be a fine training film for Polish cleaning ladies working in Jewish homes, especially at peak Pesach time. Therefore, she got a video production company to put the film on disk with Polish subtitles, and paid Cholerye $500 for the privilege. As the lighting was very poor and no one could see any of Cholerye's exposed skin, the esteemed director of Beis Frimme d'Kanoim purchased rights to the film in Yiddish for another $500, for use in her advanced seminary where girls were taught how to clean homes and cook and not much else of practical use.
Now, the film had made a profit of $1000 as it had cost nothing to shoot, the camera and cleaning supplies and even Cholerye's outfit all having been duly stolen from well known Borough Park stores. That meant that Cholerye had to divide 36500% of $1000 among her investors. She did not have this kind of money, even in stolen silver. No, Cholerye would not have major losses that would prevent her giving a return on her investors' money and food stamps. She actually had to pay out.
Cholerye had therefore just become a major liability for Reb Mechel Groszgrub, who could not marry her as she was now being chased by half of the same people whose stolen silver and rings sat in his shop for resale.
That left Cholerye with one option. Confess all to the Admou'r meCreedmoor in the hope he would need a third Rebbetzin.
After she confessed to her scheme, the Admou"r simply assigned a few more crimes to Cholerye by showing that she herself had applied for welfare as an illegal alien with assets when in reality all checks were going to the Admou"r.
The Admou"r was of course unarrestable, but such was not the case with Cholerye, who now faces deportation after she finishes her five year sentence for theft and fraud.
Fortunately, the Admou"r never found out that Mechel Groszgrub was behind the whole scam. But to be sure, he transferred the Kosinska welfare checks to the name Mechel Groszgrub at his own Creedmoor address. This way, if his Chossid dared to challenge him for the Rebbeschaft, he, too, would be deported straight back to Beedapesht. In addition, the Admou'r's becher collection increased by 100 units when a masked robber entered the Groszgrub store and relieved the proprietor of 120 bechers, 20 as his own fee and 100 for the Admou"r.
Score: Creedmoor 10, Kosinska -1000, Groszgrub -10
Part 4 - Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Klara becomes Cholerye...
BS"D
The conversion process was easy. Three full laps in the Creedmoorer mikveh using a flotation device painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, while shouting Shygetz Aross and Down With Zionism comprised the aquatic component, and burning a kerosene soaked flag in one of the few remaining and heavily insured vacant buildings on the Creedmoor complex marked the incendiary component. Earth was represented by the Creedmoor Shma, the words of which are "Herst di! Herzl mit Ben Gurion zenen tiff, tiff in der erd," and wind was represented by well, passing wind.
And Klara, now duly registered as the recipient of Section 8, SSI, disability and social security, as well as food stamps and emergency heating aid all in care of the Admou"r, took the very fitting name of Cholerye.
She also commented on the disarray and dirtiness of the Creedmoor compound, in turn compounded by the latest heap of heavily insured ashes, and offered to clean it free of charge, so long as she could make a movie of her work and attract investors to invest in rights to distribution of the movie.
The first investor was Rabbi David Schmoigerman, who took what he thought was the lion's share of eighty-five per cent. Little did he know, or truly care, that his new Chassidiste was about to sell thirty-six thousand per cent of what she billed as "the first kosher skin flick".
Meanwhile, Cholerye was planning to become Rebbetzin Cholerye Groszgrub, who would rival the Rebbetzins Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and Lilac Blossom Prunepit Schmoigerman when it came to standing behind and supporting a devious and avaricious husband in his many schemes and machinations and avoidance of making so much as one honest penny.
(Part 5 coming soon)
The conversion process was easy. Three full laps in the Creedmoorer mikveh using a flotation device painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, while shouting Shygetz Aross and Down With Zionism comprised the aquatic component, and burning a kerosene soaked flag in one of the few remaining and heavily insured vacant buildings on the Creedmoor complex marked the incendiary component. Earth was represented by the Creedmoor Shma, the words of which are "Herst di! Herzl mit Ben Gurion zenen tiff, tiff in der erd," and wind was represented by well, passing wind.
And Klara, now duly registered as the recipient of Section 8, SSI, disability and social security, as well as food stamps and emergency heating aid all in care of the Admou"r, took the very fitting name of Cholerye.
She also commented on the disarray and dirtiness of the Creedmoor compound, in turn compounded by the latest heap of heavily insured ashes, and offered to clean it free of charge, so long as she could make a movie of her work and attract investors to invest in rights to distribution of the movie.
The first investor was Rabbi David Schmoigerman, who took what he thought was the lion's share of eighty-five per cent. Little did he know, or truly care, that his new Chassidiste was about to sell thirty-six thousand per cent of what she billed as "the first kosher skin flick".
Meanwhile, Cholerye was planning to become Rebbetzin Cholerye Groszgrub, who would rival the Rebbetzins Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and Lilac Blossom Prunepit Schmoigerman when it came to standing behind and supporting a devious and avaricious husband in his many schemes and machinations and avoidance of making so much as one honest penny.
(Part 5 coming soon)
Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Part 3 - Klara Must Convert!
BS"D
Reb Mechel laid down the law to Klara: Unless she converted to Judaism, he would no longer be able to accept her purloined goods, and he would also be compelled to report her to the police as they were on his tail. Since he was not able to moiser a Jew, her conversion would mean that he would just make up names like "Ricardo Rodriguez" (with an address matching that of one of his vacancy tenants) when asked where his stolen merchandise came from.
Knowing that Klara was in no way able to accept any religion which had "Loi Signoiv" among its commandments, he recommended that she convert only via the Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose conversions were in turn recognized by "the very strictest stream of ultra-Orthodox Judaism". Of course that referred only to the rump Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey and Manchester, which accepted conversions based only on witnesses having seen the convert burn the Zionist flag and yell "Shygetz Aross" at counter-demonstrators.
Klara had no problem accepting an appointment to meet Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in his Olympic sized conversion mikve on the grounds of the D-ward Creedmoorer complex. She also had no problem accepting the rather unusual requirements of a Creedmoorer geirus ve'mamzeirus.
(more coming later today).
Reb Mechel laid down the law to Klara: Unless she converted to Judaism, he would no longer be able to accept her purloined goods, and he would also be compelled to report her to the police as they were on his tail. Since he was not able to moiser a Jew, her conversion would mean that he would just make up names like "Ricardo Rodriguez" (with an address matching that of one of his vacancy tenants) when asked where his stolen merchandise came from.
Knowing that Klara was in no way able to accept any religion which had "Loi Signoiv" among its commandments, he recommended that she convert only via the Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose conversions were in turn recognized by "the very strictest stream of ultra-Orthodox Judaism". Of course that referred only to the rump Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey and Manchester, which accepted conversions based only on witnesses having seen the convert burn the Zionist flag and yell "Shygetz Aross" at counter-demonstrators.
Klara had no problem accepting an appointment to meet Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in his Olympic sized conversion mikve on the grounds of the D-ward Creedmoorer complex. She also had no problem accepting the rather unusual requirements of a Creedmoorer geirus ve'mamzeirus.
(more coming later today).
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