Admou"r: We count Sfira from 5 Iyar to 9 Av

BS"D

The Admou"r meCreedmoor crawled out from the ruins of the rows of abandoned buildings in Washington D.C. which he burned to celebrate the passage of the ObamaCare bill and made the following proclamation:

"It has been our minhag, always spelled backward, to count Sfiras haOimer during the period from Yom HaAtzamois on 5 Iyar until the Feast of the Beginning of Our Golus on 9 Av. During this period, it is meritorious to burn Zionist flags both in garbage cans belonging to the Zionist entity and in buildings which are abandoned except for insurance purposes. When reciting the sfira, one recites the number corresponding to the day, and the Creedmoor sfiros of skila, sryfo, hereg, henek, koreys as follows, skila shebeskilo, sryfo shebeskilo etc etc etc. In addition, if one is burning an insured building he should recite the names of all policyholders on the insurance records as well as all the insurance companies which underwrite the policy - for instance Schmendrick Wurstberger, Chaye Behyme Wurstburger, Koirach Wurstburger Trust, Generali, Allstate, AIG, Lloyd's, State Farm.

Only by mourning the rise of the Zionist entity through the purification of fire can we maintain this Golus that is now even kinder to us since we of Creedmoor will be eligible for even more benefits under ObamaCare."

Schmoigerman Reiterates Ruling Banning Pesach Sedorim

BS"D

A RESTATEMENT FROM THE ANNUAL AND PERENNIAL BAN OF PARTICIPATION IN SEDORIM FIN TZIONISH YOM TOV PESACH WHICH IS A CREATION OF THE EVIL TZIONIM AND ANDERER RESHOIM WHO IS WISH TO UPROOT ALL WELFARE AND ENTITLEMENT DEPENDENCY! 

"The concept from the redemption fin golus Mitzrayim and in fekt der redemption of anythink other dan phoney bonds, food shtemps and Section Acht vouchers iz foreign and alien to the true Judaism azoy was prekctised by inzerer hyliger entzesters about whom it is said 'in the beginnink our ancestors was worshippers of idols'"

As our goal iz to machzir atoore leyoishno and to claim iz stolen all the silver atoores from as many tallesim ez we ken manage to get insurance from end make sure no one iz machzir dem tallesim oder der atoores, we is remindink inzerer Chassidim det it is osser lemehadrin to celebrate the Pesach cider, hard, sweet or uddervize, as iz done by the Tzioinish reshoim leminyehem! We must remember dat we iz the ones about whom is said 'If he was dere he wouldn't be redeemed' end ekt akkordinkly!

On Zintag we are askink dat inzerer Chassidim iz joinink inzerer shygetz neighborz who is givink inz zo generously der velfare in their Ister selebrations."

Signed:

Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman of the Cretinaceous Constellation of Creedmoor Congregations (Perud Kehillas Creedmoor), inkludink Khal Anshei Domim veMirma d'Creedmoor, Kehillas Gezel veMirma d'Creedmoor and Kehilla Keidesha Adas Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hashyme Yashmidyehem ve Yeabaydem.