Update: Ramas Beis Tznius

BS"D

The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!

Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides  for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!

More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.

Urgent Chanike Update from Creedmoor

BS"D

We have been informed that the revelers who somehow were diverted from a Chabad menorah lighting ceremony to the Creedmoor Chanike Extravaganza on Motzoei Shabbos are just returning now from what turned out to be a very entertaining luxury cruise.

All we are aware of at present is that the Admou"r will manage to receive a large insurance payment, and that his success was due to hiring Berish (Bozo) and Zerach (Zero) Wercberger, a pair of clowns, as well as "Shygetz Aross Bacsi," a Creedmoorer children's entertainer. Entertainment for the ladies' section on this mehadrin cruise was apparently provided by Behyme the Tzigane Queen, whose most benighted family hails from the superbly benighted ancestral village of the Admou"r, namely Szarkonosvary, Hungary.

We also understand that the Admou"r and his Creedmoor Cretin Crew ensnared an unwitting South African bochur and two French girls who inadvertently led others to believe that the cruise was a Chabad event. Finally, we have been informed that the Admou"r was able to hijack a luxury river boat by promising Green Cards to its crew of illegal aliens.

More later in the week, when we have full reports on the overnight luxury cruise and a full analysis of the damage done to the world's leading insurance firms.

Creedmoor Will be Back Before Sukkos

BS"D

Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".

He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.

In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.

Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.

Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" Yeshiva Sued for Discrimination

BS"D

The Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is the flagship institution of the largely phantom Creedmoorer educational network, which exists largely to prove that its 48 quintillion or so students are all special needs children who are in need of special services and equipment from all 50 states, the EU and the UNHCR.

However, the "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is special in that it takes only students whose parents never, ever worked in their lives and have committed at least seven felonies in at least three jurisdictions.

A young man called Seamus Abdulkarim Oved, whose surname is suspicious as it suggests "work" in the Zionist tongue, attempted to enroll in "Mishkon Areilim" but was unable to provide documentation of his parents' police records.

Of course, in Creedmoor, this is but a formality as all records are generated by the Hakolbishvili brothers "Print-A-Buck" printing press, also known as the Royal Mint of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, depending on what opportunity for gross fraud presents itself.

But this was not enough for Mohammed Shmeel Abu-banat Ginzburg, who is only a six-time convicted felon, and a father of girls who in any case are not accepted into "Mishkon Areilim". He insisted on bringing the Admou"r meCreedmoor himself, who is the registered dean and warden of the institution of higher deception, to Federal court, which in this case means the Beis Din of the Federal Koilel Yingerleit and Alumni of Otisville. Said Beis Din is also located somewhere in the phantasmic nether reaches of the Creedmoor plumbing system.

The Federal court ruled that Ginzburg himself would be able to attend Mishkon Areilim under the Federal Koilel Mezuyonim program if he managed to commit another felony. As for Oved, a quick check of the records and a bit of sleight of hand were combined to find him a set of felonious adoptive parents. All rejoiced when eighteen new SSI applications were sent to Washington DC with a note: "Remember, from tiny ACORNS many votes do grow".

And at the end of the beis din proceedings, all parties gathered in an empty shell of a slum building in the Bronx to burn the Zionist flag in celebration of yet another sheaf of insurance cheques that would soon accompany the new SSI benefits.

Admou"r demands emergency welfare for an infinite number of microbes!

BS"D

As reported earlier, the Obama Administration has expressed interest in the proposal by Schmoigerman Environmentally Noxious Associates, Inc, a mysterious firm operated by the even more mysterious Creedmoorer Chassidic Community, to unleash several tons of a rancid Hungarian Jewish delicacy which the firm claims contains oil eating bacteria. The firm has guaranteed that this substance will indeed neutralize the BP oil spill and clean the waters that have been affected by it.

The food, known as galle, has apparently been sitting in the Schmoigerman chassidic compound on the grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center for over one year, as it was made for a flag burning ceremony which the controversial community had held in several vacant warehouses on the 61st anniversary of the founding of the State of Israel.

Since the galle has been stored without refrigeration, an infinite number of microbes have colonized it; these range from fungi to bacteria to other organisms which, like many in the Obama administration, have but one barely functioning cell.

However, the price of the proposal is set at one emergency welfare grant, equal to one month's rent in a warehoused apartment being used as an emergency shelter, for EACH microbe.

An Obama administration spokesperson has made it clear that the government is indeed amenable to the proposal, so long as each microbe then promises to vote Democratic in the November 2010 elections and then vote for Obama in 2012.

Confirmed: Three Rafts Sunk off Atlantic Coast

BS"D

The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.

The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.

Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.

Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.

The Admou"r is Fasting on Shavuos!!!

BS"D

In protest at the giving of the Torah, which the Admou"r views as a subversive Zionist document, Creedmoor and its affiliates will be fasting for two days while the tzioinim are celebrating matan Torah.

More tomorrow as the Admou"r's lunacy develops even further.

CONFIRMED: Bin Laden is in Creedmoor!

BS"D

The production staff of Good Morning America often fields and dismisses unusual calls, but they were shocked to receive a call from a woman who identified herself as "Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN" and who claimed being located in Alcatraz.

The call transcript is as follows:

LBPMS: "Bin Laden is not in Washington DC. He is in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, in the D-ward, and he's been there since 1984."

Operator: "Could you please repeat this? And what is your name and where are you calling from?"

LBPMS: My name is Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN and I am the holy Rebbetzin of the Holiest of Holies, the Sweetest of the Sweet, the Highest Expense Account of the Highest Expense Account, the Grand Rabbi of 150 Quintillion Souls, Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman of Creedmoor. I am his West Coast Rebbetzin and I process his donations from around the world.."

Operator: And where are you calling from?

LBPMS: Alcatraz, the Holy Land of our Community, which we have liberated from the forces of capitalist greed which sully the environment daily.

Operator: And where do you say Bin Laden is?

LBPMS: He is with my husband in Creedmoor. I just received eight donations for "Osama Moskowitz Bin Laden" from New York, New Jersey, Tennessee, South Carolina, Wyoming, Connecticut, Idaho and Quebec on his behalf via Electronic Transfer.

Operator: Thank you but I don't understand...

And at this point, his East Coast Rebbetzin cut in:

"Tell that Greek guy and that ugly Iranian that Bin Laden davens in my husband's shul and my husband takes his welfare cheques and cashes them for him as a favor.."

Operator: Please stay on the line. Help is on its way....

And with that, a social worker arrived at both Rebbetzins' residences and, after deciding that each one clearly needed extra assistance, 150000 emergency benefits transfers were made to each of the 100 or so personalities registered under each Rebbetzin's social security number (which exactly matched that of a certain Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman).

"Anoichi Yang Ying Roifecho" - A Month of Medical Scams in Creedmoor

BS"D

The Tzionish month of Iyar is particularly accursed in Creedmoor as that is the month of the founding of the Tzioinish Entity.

But the Admou"r does agree that the month is connected to refieh (not to be confused with Rafiach where he has a couple of hashish fields) and it is in Iyar that he and his Chassidim are examined by the famous Chinese equine proctological acupuncturist Yang Ying.

And the diagnoses and treatments are a corrupt physician's dream, especially when it is very questionable as to whether the physician is not the same person as the most corrupt and indeed the only actual physical patient whom he treats.

Come back on Sunday to share in the medical discoveries of Dr Yang Ying, Certified Insurance Related Practitioner and Form Forger, wanted in three countries across two continents for gross malpractice and medical fraud, yet very hard to find since like most of the Creedmoor staff whose names appear on Medicaid, Medicare, disability, SSI and private insurance forms on Creedmoor, he seems to exist only on the welfare rolls.

Zait gezint!

Admou"r: We count Sfira from 5 Iyar to 9 Av

BS"D

The Admou"r meCreedmoor crawled out from the ruins of the rows of abandoned buildings in Washington D.C. which he burned to celebrate the passage of the ObamaCare bill and made the following proclamation:

"It has been our minhag, always spelled backward, to count Sfiras haOimer during the period from Yom HaAtzamois on 5 Iyar until the Feast of the Beginning of Our Golus on 9 Av. During this period, it is meritorious to burn Zionist flags both in garbage cans belonging to the Zionist entity and in buildings which are abandoned except for insurance purposes. When reciting the sfira, one recites the number corresponding to the day, and the Creedmoor sfiros of skila, sryfo, hereg, henek, koreys as follows, skila shebeskilo, sryfo shebeskilo etc etc etc. In addition, if one is burning an insured building he should recite the names of all policyholders on the insurance records as well as all the insurance companies which underwrite the policy - for instance Schmendrick Wurstberger, Chaye Behyme Wurstburger, Koirach Wurstburger Trust, Generali, Allstate, AIG, Lloyd's, State Farm.

Only by mourning the rise of the Zionist entity through the purification of fire can we maintain this Golus that is now even kinder to us since we of Creedmoor will be eligible for even more benefits under ObamaCare."

Lecha Doidi Creedmoor Style - With Apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine

BS"D

My apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine for turning the original song (YW) and the great English version, based on a real story (BL) into a parody (and of course to Rav Shlomo Alkabetz ZYA), but this is no holds barred Creedmoor where everything goes.

Unsolicited Recommendation: if you don't have the Werdyger and Levine albums get them NOW while you can still listen: "Bayis Neemon beYisroel" and "Touched by a Niggun"


In a Federal courtroom on a morning so gray
The bored jury counted down to the day
That the judge would sentence Shmeel for arson again
And send him off to prison for a good five to ten

But in a corner sat the guilty man
Doing anything to avoid a spell in the can
Suddenly words so familiar to the judge
Shmeel began to mercilessly fudge

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

In a tune that all wish had remained unheard
Screeched and screamed Shmeel the future jailbird
As candles flickered in his dark holding cell
But this was Tuesday, not Friday, he had to be unwell

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"What was he doing singing Lecha Doidi
In a coarse, raucous tune that irritated me
On a Tuesday morning in Manhattan, New York
For a Jewish judge who proudly ate pork?"

Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The charge was arson, for at least the third time
On the Three Strikes Law he could do life for his crime
But Shmeel der Brenner was determined you see
To convince the judge that he was totally cray-zee

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge heard the words, and suffered through the tune
He wondered if last night there had been a full moon
In any case Shmeel was nuts as he could see
Only a nut started Tuesday with Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge said these words that gladdened Shmeel's heart:
"I happen to be Jewish, though I don't look the part
And when I went to camp years and years ago
We sang Lecha Doidi on Friday night you know!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"The sentencing guidelines in your case are clear
You are criminally insane, away you go for a year
To Creedmoor, dear Creedmoor, to a padded cell
And after that you will surely be well!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

So off to Creedmoor went Shmeel with glee
Still in his bathrobe singing Lecho Doidi
They escorted him off to a clean padded cell
And told him they would let him out when he's well

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And that first Shabbos, just before Friday night,
The brand new psychiatrist recoiled in fright
Shmeel the Firebug lit candles with glee
And the cell caught fire as he sang Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"Doctor, dear Doctor, I meant no harm
But collecting on this one is a real charm
I put fire insurance on this rubber room too
Now let me go home and I'll share it with you!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

But this time the scheme came to a bad end
The shrink was a Muslim and by no means a friend
Shmeel was sent away to a koilel run by the Feds
And they stopped his pills when he was caught selling the meds!

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And Dr Mohammed Khan collected every cent
On the policy for the cell that was zer shtark farbrent
But when the police caught on to his game
To Karachi he was deported, his head bent in shame

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The Admou"r's Tzioinish Pysach Directives

BS"D

11 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431
Creedmoor Beis Medrash, Pluto, Furthest Reaches of Golus May It Be Prolonged Until the End of Days!

"It pains me in an unfathomable way to hear that hyliger Yiddelach who walk in the hyliger flickering one watt light bulb of chassidis Creedmoor, even to the point that they recite "Shiksa Arann" repeatedly when walking the hyliger beaches of that most hyliger part of the Zionist Entity, namely Tel Baruch, are still observing the tzioinish yom tov of Pysach, which is against all that generations of our hyliger manhigim, going back to Koirach, Doson veAbiram and before that to the Chassidim of Sdoim veAmoira, may they be speedily rebuilt and just as speedily reburned for insurance, stood for and never sat down for.

While it is permissible for Yidden who are "naki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis" to sell matzois and other provisions to Tzioinim at inflated prices and to accept food stamps for same, it is NOT permitted to become a part of their idolatrous sedorim and other celebrations! We must remember that our goal is to return to the state of avdus in Mitzrayim, and never, ever, to live in the tzioinish entity!

Therefore, this year I am requesting that NO gitte sryfos take place on Monday 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431, which corresponds to the time when tzioinim koifrim will be burning their chometz, which of course we eat every day of their holiday which to us has the same disgusting and kefiradige insignificance as Yom haAtzamois (Youm an-Nakba).

Our gabboim and insurance adjusters will NOT be available on 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar under ANY circumstances and in fact our messira squad, those holiest of the holy who are moiser every nefesh and moiser every neshomo who does not share in the take with them, will be reporting every suspicious fire in all five boros and Rockland County so that the appropriate authorities arrest all who are taking part in the barbaric and wasteful ceremonies of the tzioinish chometz sryfos.

And we remind all that the yahrtzeit festival of April 1 will be postponed this year until April 10 so that it does not coincide chas vesholom with the tzionish pysach."

Controversial Wakeup Alarm Flies by Night

BS"D

PashkvilPress:

This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.

"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"

"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"

"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!

Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.

Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.

The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.

Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"

BS"D

Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:

1) Poshutim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.

Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.

Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.

2) Poshutim Mehudarim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.

Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.

Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!

3) Super Mehadrin

Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.

Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.

Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.

All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.

Prices:

Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Endorsed by:

Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden

Testimonials:

"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.

"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.

Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.

Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction

BS"D

Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.

The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.

All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.

The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.

Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.

We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.

We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.

This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.

A New Creedmoor Play: "When Mohammed Meets Moishe" (somewhat sick stuff)

BS"D

The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:

When Mohammed Meets Moishe!

Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".

After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.

When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.

At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.

When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.

Excerpts include:

"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"

"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"

Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.

The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.

This Blog Is Developing Another Identity!

BS"D

Nope, life is NOT imitating art and I do not plan to apply for blogosphere welfare under two names, or even under one name.

Starting (our) Nitel Nacht, Thursday 6 January haba aleinu lebitul zman, I will have set up a new, second Creedmoor blog which will include the yichus breef series and the old attempt at writing a Creedmoor book. This second blog will discuss the history of the Schmoigerman family and serve as the definitive annals of the Creedmoorer chassidus going back to the earliest antecedents of the Schmoigerman dynasty in ancient Judea, pre-Inquisition Spain, Poland, Hungary and of course Brooklyn.

This blog will remain as it was intended to be, that is to say, the chronicles, or news source, of and for the worldwide and interplanetary Creedmoorer community.

I will move most of the book and yichus posts to the new blog on Thursday night, and this week I will indeed have the final news from the UN high commissioner for refugees regarding the refugees from Zionist aggression on Pluto. I hope to have enough material to update both blogs once every week to 10 days.

In related news, the real life Creedmoorers, the Ku Klutz Kartel, led by the intrepid publicity seeker and all around menuval Yisroel Dovid "Scheiss" Weiss (Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda) were or are in Gaza for Shabbos. They now number only four, reduced from five and a half probably due to the advancing age of the Szarkonosvary Rov, Ahron (Haroun) Cohen, and the defection (or repair) of the eminently defective M.A.F. (who now passes out of the Creedmoorer orbit, having bequeathed his title of Most Reprehensible Menival Masquerading As A Frummer Yid to Solomon Drek). This should provide me with some great material this week...

Newsflash: Schmoigerman Space Shuttle Detained at Jupiter Spaceport

BS"D

Newsflash: The Schmoigerman Space Shuttle, the convoluted contraption which the Admou'r meCreedmoor uses to travel from Creedmoor to Pluto and back, has been detained at the Bobby Fischer Memorial Spaceport on Jupiter.

We are unaware as to whether this is a positive or negative development. We have reason to believe that aliens on Jupiter have asked Rabbi Schmoigerman to establish a Beis Chaval on Jupiter so that they, too, can obtain welfare, section 8, disability and UN refugee aid. Alternately, it is possible that the Schmoigerman spaceship is staging a crash on Jupiter for insurance purposes.

However, an interesting development has taken place in that long time Schmoigerman psychiatrist Dr Nanebakri Ramabudhu Patel claims that neither Rabbi Dovid nor Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman has left Creedmoor within the past month and that there was in fact a menorah lighting ceremony inside a former administration building with a leaky gas tap and defective electrical wiring.

Attempts to contact Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster are proving futile, and we do not dare contact Axa, Aviva, Allstate, AIG, Allianz, Fireman's Fund, Generali, USAA or any similar Zionist organization as we do not want to jeopardize the Admour's avoida kedeisha and source of honest parnosso.

What is the real story? Enquiring multiple personalities want to know...stay tuned!

Schmoigerman: Our EJF is Eternal Justification of Fraud and has no connection with Monsey

BS"D

"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.

In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.

As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.

The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.

However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."

Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.

We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!

BS"D

We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.

However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.

On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.

So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....