BS"D
The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!
Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!
More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.
Showing posts with label arson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arson. Show all posts
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Greatest Chanike Extravaganza: Prelude: The Magic Fuel from Iran
BS"D
Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.
The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:
Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...
which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:
פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...
Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד
This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.
"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"
This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.
"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."
"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"
Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be סקרוד over quite royally.
After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.
Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.
He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi.
However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of סקרוד nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.
Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.
The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:
Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...
which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:
פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...
Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד
This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.
"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"
This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.
"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."
"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"
Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be סקרוד over quite royally.
After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.
Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.
He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi.
However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of סקרוד nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
"A Gitte Sryfe far Lag B'Oimer" -
BS"D
"While we at Creedmoor do not celebrate the tzionish holiday of Lag BeOimer, and we consider Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai a tzioni because he did not surrender to the Romans or better yet visit Rome, we do accept that today is an auspicious day for a gitte sryfe because you can always blame the fire on the Zionists.
We recommend that you purchase property in the vicinity of a shul, yeshiva or other tzionish moisad today, using the hyliger method of the flip where you put down a deposit so you can sell the worthless property on to a real sucker.
You then transfer the entity to some phoney religious corporation such as "The Community of Strife and Baseless Hatred of The Budapest Subway System May It Be Rebuilt in Our Days" and make sure to buy insurance for your now tax exempt property.
Then, burn one Zionist flag soaked in kerosene per square meter (we DO NOT use yards as this is a Zionist measurement and the only yards we care about are old scrapyards and shipyards that we can set to blazes) in the shell of the property and document the fire.
Now that your property is a house of worship, you simply claim that you burned it down as part of a religious ceremony, namely burning the tzioinish flag on Lag BeOimer in solidarity with the Palestinians and Neturei Karta who are oppressed minorities.
Finally, not only should you claim insurance but you should apply for a bailout from the great friend of the oppressed minorities, Rabbynee Barack Hussein Obama. To get this, show how many low income tenants you had living on the property (remember every rat counts as 2 mice and every mouse as 10 roaches) and how much you are doing for diversity in Brooklyn or Queens or wherever your property was located.
Then, promise me, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, 90% and ACORN 120%. This is a guaranteed segile to avoid prosecution.."
"While we at Creedmoor do not celebrate the tzionish holiday of Lag BeOimer, and we consider Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai a tzioni because he did not surrender to the Romans or better yet visit Rome, we do accept that today is an auspicious day for a gitte sryfe because you can always blame the fire on the Zionists.
We recommend that you purchase property in the vicinity of a shul, yeshiva or other tzionish moisad today, using the hyliger method of the flip where you put down a deposit so you can sell the worthless property on to a real sucker.
You then transfer the entity to some phoney religious corporation such as "The Community of Strife and Baseless Hatred of The Budapest Subway System May It Be Rebuilt in Our Days" and make sure to buy insurance for your now tax exempt property.
Then, burn one Zionist flag soaked in kerosene per square meter (we DO NOT use yards as this is a Zionist measurement and the only yards we care about are old scrapyards and shipyards that we can set to blazes) in the shell of the property and document the fire.
Now that your property is a house of worship, you simply claim that you burned it down as part of a religious ceremony, namely burning the tzioinish flag on Lag BeOimer in solidarity with the Palestinians and Neturei Karta who are oppressed minorities.
Finally, not only should you claim insurance but you should apply for a bailout from the great friend of the oppressed minorities, Rabbynee Barack Hussein Obama. To get this, show how many low income tenants you had living on the property (remember every rat counts as 2 mice and every mouse as 10 roaches) and how much you are doing for diversity in Brooklyn or Queens or wherever your property was located.
Then, promise me, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, 90% and ACORN 120%. This is a guaranteed segile to avoid prosecution.."
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Admou"r: We count Sfira from 5 Iyar to 9 Av
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor crawled out from the ruins of the rows of abandoned buildings in Washington D.C. which he burned to celebrate the passage of the ObamaCare bill and made the following proclamation:
"It has been our minhag, always spelled backward, to count Sfiras haOimer during the period from Yom HaAtzamois on 5 Iyar until the Feast of the Beginning of Our Golus on 9 Av. During this period, it is meritorious to burn Zionist flags both in garbage cans belonging to the Zionist entity and in buildings which are abandoned except for insurance purposes. When reciting the sfira, one recites the number corresponding to the day, and the Creedmoor sfiros of skila, sryfo, hereg, henek, koreys as follows, skila shebeskilo, sryfo shebeskilo etc etc etc. In addition, if one is burning an insured building he should recite the names of all policyholders on the insurance records as well as all the insurance companies which underwrite the policy - for instance Schmendrick Wurstberger, Chaye Behyme Wurstburger, Koirach Wurstburger Trust, Generali, Allstate, AIG, Lloyd's, State Farm.
Only by mourning the rise of the Zionist entity through the purification of fire can we maintain this Golus that is now even kinder to us since we of Creedmoor will be eligible for even more benefits under ObamaCare."
The Admou"r meCreedmoor crawled out from the ruins of the rows of abandoned buildings in Washington D.C. which he burned to celebrate the passage of the ObamaCare bill and made the following proclamation:
"It has been our minhag, always spelled backward, to count Sfiras haOimer during the period from Yom HaAtzamois on 5 Iyar until the Feast of the Beginning of Our Golus on 9 Av. During this period, it is meritorious to burn Zionist flags both in garbage cans belonging to the Zionist entity and in buildings which are abandoned except for insurance purposes. When reciting the sfira, one recites the number corresponding to the day, and the Creedmoor sfiros of skila, sryfo, hereg, henek, koreys as follows, skila shebeskilo, sryfo shebeskilo etc etc etc. In addition, if one is burning an insured building he should recite the names of all policyholders on the insurance records as well as all the insurance companies which underwrite the policy - for instance Schmendrick Wurstberger, Chaye Behyme Wurstburger, Koirach Wurstburger Trust, Generali, Allstate, AIG, Lloyd's, State Farm.
Only by mourning the rise of the Zionist entity through the purification of fire can we maintain this Golus that is now even kinder to us since we of Creedmoor will be eligible for even more benefits under ObamaCare."
Friday, April 02, 2010
Lecha Doidi Creedmoor Style - With Apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine
BS"D
My apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine for turning the original song (YW) and the great English version, based on a real story (BL) into a parody (and of course to Rav Shlomo Alkabetz ZYA), but this is no holds barred Creedmoor where everything goes.
Unsolicited Recommendation: if you don't have the Werdyger and Levine albums get them NOW while you can still listen: "Bayis Neemon beYisroel" and "Touched by a Niggun"
In a Federal courtroom on a morning so gray
The bored jury counted down to the day
That the judge would sentence Shmeel for arson again
And send him off to prison for a good five to ten
But in a corner sat the guilty man
Doing anything to avoid a spell in the can
Suddenly words so familiar to the judge
Shmeel began to mercilessly fudge
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
In a tune that all wish had remained unheard
Screeched and screamed Shmeel the future jailbird
As candles flickered in his dark holding cell
But this was Tuesday, not Friday, he had to be unwell
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"What was he doing singing Lecha Doidi
In a coarse, raucous tune that irritated me
On a Tuesday morning in Manhattan, New York
For a Jewish judge who proudly ate pork?"
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The charge was arson, for at least the third time
On the Three Strikes Law he could do life for his crime
But Shmeel der Brenner was determined you see
To convince the judge that he was totally cray-zee
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The judge heard the words, and suffered through the tune
He wondered if last night there had been a full moon
In any case Shmeel was nuts as he could see
Only a nut started Tuesday with Lecho Doidi
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The judge said these words that gladdened Shmeel's heart:
"I happen to be Jewish, though I don't look the part
And when I went to camp years and years ago
We sang Lecha Doidi on Friday night you know!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"The sentencing guidelines in your case are clear
You are criminally insane, away you go for a year
To Creedmoor, dear Creedmoor, to a padded cell
And after that you will surely be well!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
So off to Creedmoor went Shmeel with glee
Still in his bathrobe singing Lecho Doidi
They escorted him off to a clean padded cell
And told him they would let him out when he's well
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
And that first Shabbos, just before Friday night,
The brand new psychiatrist recoiled in fright
Shmeel the Firebug lit candles with glee
And the cell caught fire as he sang Lecho Doidi
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"Doctor, dear Doctor, I meant no harm
But collecting on this one is a real charm
I put fire insurance on this rubber room too
Now let me go home and I'll share it with you!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
But this time the scheme came to a bad end
The shrink was a Muslim and by no means a friend
Shmeel was sent away to a koilel run by the Feds
And they stopped his pills when he was caught selling the meds!
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
And Dr Mohammed Khan collected every cent
On the policy for the cell that was zer shtark farbrent
But when the police caught on to his game
To Karachi he was deported, his head bent in shame
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
My apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine for turning the original song (YW) and the great English version, based on a real story (BL) into a parody (and of course to Rav Shlomo Alkabetz ZYA), but this is no holds barred Creedmoor where everything goes.
Unsolicited Recommendation: if you don't have the Werdyger and Levine albums get them NOW while you can still listen: "Bayis Neemon beYisroel" and "Touched by a Niggun"
In a Federal courtroom on a morning so gray
The bored jury counted down to the day
That the judge would sentence Shmeel for arson again
And send him off to prison for a good five to ten
But in a corner sat the guilty man
Doing anything to avoid a spell in the can
Suddenly words so familiar to the judge
Shmeel began to mercilessly fudge
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
In a tune that all wish had remained unheard
Screeched and screamed Shmeel the future jailbird
As candles flickered in his dark holding cell
But this was Tuesday, not Friday, he had to be unwell
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"What was he doing singing Lecha Doidi
In a coarse, raucous tune that irritated me
On a Tuesday morning in Manhattan, New York
For a Jewish judge who proudly ate pork?"
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The charge was arson, for at least the third time
On the Three Strikes Law he could do life for his crime
But Shmeel der Brenner was determined you see
To convince the judge that he was totally cray-zee
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The judge heard the words, and suffered through the tune
He wondered if last night there had been a full moon
In any case Shmeel was nuts as he could see
Only a nut started Tuesday with Lecho Doidi
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
The judge said these words that gladdened Shmeel's heart:
"I happen to be Jewish, though I don't look the part
And when I went to camp years and years ago
We sang Lecha Doidi on Friday night you know!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"The sentencing guidelines in your case are clear
You are criminally insane, away you go for a year
To Creedmoor, dear Creedmoor, to a padded cell
And after that you will surely be well!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
So off to Creedmoor went Shmeel with glee
Still in his bathrobe singing Lecho Doidi
They escorted him off to a clean padded cell
And told him they would let him out when he's well
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
And that first Shabbos, just before Friday night,
The brand new psychiatrist recoiled in fright
Shmeel the Firebug lit candles with glee
And the cell caught fire as he sang Lecho Doidi
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
"Doctor, dear Doctor, I meant no harm
But collecting on this one is a real charm
I put fire insurance on this rubber room too
Now let me go home and I'll share it with you!"
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
But this time the scheme came to a bad end
The shrink was a Muslim and by no means a friend
Shmeel was sent away to a koilel run by the Feds
And they stopped his pills when he was caught selling the meds!
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
And Dr Mohammed Khan collected every cent
On the policy for the cell that was zer shtark farbrent
But when the police caught on to his game
To Karachi he was deported, his head bent in shame
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Controversial Wakeup Alarm Flies by Night
BS"D
PashkvilPress:
This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.
"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"
"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"
"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!
Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.
Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.
The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.
PashkvilPress:
This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.
"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"
"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"
"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!
Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.
Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.
The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!
BS"D
The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!
Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne
A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.
Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....
The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!
Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne
A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.
Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....
Monday, September 07, 2009
The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20
BS"D
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
Friday, May 08, 2009
Admou"r meCreedmoor Permits Lag B'Oimer This Year Within His Halachic Guidelines
BS"D
In a stunning reversal of his former position regarding Lag B'Oimer festivities in previous years, this year the Admou"r meCreedmoor is not only permitting, but also encouraging, his followers to take part in Lag B'Oimer festivities, on Tuesday along with all other communities.
In a stunning reversal of his former position regarding Lag B'Oimer festivities in previous years, this year the Admou"r meCreedmoor is not only permitting, but also encouraging, his followers to take part in Lag B'Oimer festivities, on Tuesday along with all other communities.
Speaking from his padded hotel room in Teheran, where he remains in seclusion with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Admou"r stated:
"Yes it is true that Shimon bar Yochai was a tzioini who did not do the right thing and surrender to the Romans. However, it must be remembered that one of the essential parts of the tzioni celebration is a bonfire. And we know that the mitzvah of sryfis habayis, which of course also includes fire, as well as that exalted mitzvah known as sryfis hadegel, can be carried out at a bonfire according to the great practices which have been instituted as the very essence of Chassidus Creedmoor.
According to the Megale Arayois, the halachos of bonfires on Lag B'Oimer are as follows:
1) A Tzioini flag soaked with pure Iranian or Venezuelan crude oil must be used to start the fire.
2) The fire cannot under any circumstances be carried out in an open location, as this is the custom of the evil tzioinim who have uprooted all that is good and holy.
3) The fire must be carried out "leshem mitzvas sryfis hadegel vehabinyan" and NOT lekovod the memory of the Tzioini Shimon Bar Yochai who some erroneously call Rabbi which is a title that does not accrue to any Tzioini.
4) Therefore, an appraisal of the property, home, store, warehouse, factory or office building, in which the bonfire is to be carried out must be performed prior to Lag b'Oimer by a licenced fire insurance adjuster who is of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor.
5) And the figure of the appraisal as per traditional means of said appraisal must be multiplied by a power of 613 before it is submitted to the insurance companies on our Approved List for purchase of multiple policies.
6) In addition, an inventory of flammable valuables must be forged and added to the Appraisal so that the rewards of Sryfis HaBinyan will be properly multiplied yet again.
7) Under no condition is the Fire Department to be called unless it is a volunteer force made up solely of members of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor who can be guaranteed to issue a proper fire report. Only when all evidence of the hyliger mitzvoh of arson, which is far too holy to be witnesssed by a tzioini Fire Department, has been destroyed, may a fire department not affiliated with Creedmoor be called.
8) The bonfire will be considered finished, and the mitzvois of Sryfis haDegel and Sryfis haBinyan fulfilled according to halacha, only when a representative of the Arba Misois Byse Din of Creedmoor visits the place of conflagration and pronounces the words: "S'iz geven a gitte sryfe". This will take place only when a suitable amount of funds, equalling 130% of the insurance policies issued, is remitted to the Arba Misois Byse Din.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Pesach Schedule
BS"D
Yesterday I did not have a proper connection to the Net; the problem was resolved only late this morning.
And believe it or not, the environmental post will take a little research on my part to understand what a carbon credit is according to the Kyoto Protocol so that I can understand and explain the gibberish which Schmoigerman sent me regarding his EU emissions credit scheme.
I hope to do this by erev Pesach; if not then since comedy is mutar during sfira I will return IYH the Sunday after Pesach (and it hardly matters that Moshiach will have come by then because according to Rambam Schmoigerman's nature will not change for at least 40 years and comedy will still be mutar!)
So, in case I do not blog again until after Pesach, I wish my readers a kosher in frylichen Pysach and hatzlacha mitten dem gitte sryfes.
On behalf of the Admou"r, I remind everyone who intends to kasher according to the most machmir method of libum (torching) of all surfaces in your home (as endorsed by the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his sefer Nesivois Tzoiah ha-Roitachas), to please schnell roft zan our affiliated agent Schlumiel-Schlemendrick Hoizbrenner.
Hoizbrenner has been relocated from Otisville to G-building and can be reached at 917-BURN-IT. In recognition of the poor economy and therefore the greater demand for his services, he offers a package for EUR 999.99 payable in 10 easy payments of EUR 399.99 per month for 12 months.
The "Schmoiger-Package" includes incineration of up to 3000 sq. ft of property, insurance with Assicurazoni Schmoigerman SpA of Sicily, as well as the services of Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster. Hymie will be on hand to properly adjust both the gas taps in your home and the fire marshal's report as needed.
Call him now!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av
For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.
Or, you can join us and
Or, you can join us and
BURN BABY BURN
Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!
For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!
For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!
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