BS"D
PashkvilPress:
This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.
"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"
"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"
"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!
Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.
Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.
The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.
Showing posts with label adar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adar. Show all posts
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"
BS"D
Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:
1) Poshutim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.
Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.
Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.
2) Poshutim Mehudarim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.
Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.
Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!
3) Super Mehadrin
Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.
Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.
Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.
All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.
Prices:
Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Endorsed by:
Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden
Testimonials:
"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.
"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.
Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.
Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:
1) Poshutim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.
Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.
Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.
2) Poshutim Mehudarim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.
Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.
Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!
3) Super Mehadrin
Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.
Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.
Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.
All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.
Prices:
Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Endorsed by:
Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden
Testimonials:
"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.
"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.
Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Admour meCreedmoor: My padded incoherent republic is a nuclear state
BS"D
Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.
Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.
While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.
Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.
This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.
The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.
Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.
Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.
Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.
While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.
Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.
This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.
The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.
Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.
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