BS"D
"Make a skin flick for frimme oisvorfen" was Reb Mechel's advice to his soon to be Rebbetzin, Cholerye Kosinska. "All you iz needink to do iz to show a skirt above der kneez, elbowz exposed end high heelz mit an open toe"!
Needless to say, Reb Mechel Groszberg failed to take into account that such a silly comedy, shot with poor equipment as Cholerye planned, could only be shown on the Internet, where no revenue was possible except for a few Google ads. That did not stop even him from purchasing another eighty-five per cent of the new film, which was now subscribed for 36,000 shares of one per cent each.
The film was made, and Cholerye starred by scrubbing hard and fast, cleaning the entire Creedmoor compound with strong bleach and making it shine with floor wax.
And an amazing thing happened:
Maria Osiolzka, the director of Maria's Maids, and one of the investors, immediately realized that it would be a fine training film for Polish cleaning ladies working in Jewish homes, especially at peak Pesach time. Therefore, she got a video production company to put the film on disk with Polish subtitles, and paid Cholerye $500 for the privilege. As the lighting was very poor and no one could see any of Cholerye's exposed skin, the esteemed director of Beis Frimme d'Kanoim purchased rights to the film in Yiddish for another $500, for use in her advanced seminary where girls were taught how to clean homes and cook and not much else of practical use.
Now, the film had made a profit of $1000 as it had cost nothing to shoot, the camera and cleaning supplies and even Cholerye's outfit all having been duly stolen from well known Borough Park stores. That meant that Cholerye had to divide 36500% of $1000 among her investors. She did not have this kind of money, even in stolen silver. No, Cholerye would not have major losses that would prevent her giving a return on her investors' money and food stamps. She actually had to pay out.
Cholerye had therefore just become a major liability for Reb Mechel Groszgrub, who could not marry her as she was now being chased by half of the same people whose stolen silver and rings sat in his shop for resale.
That left Cholerye with one option. Confess all to the Admou'r meCreedmoor in the hope he would need a third Rebbetzin.
After she confessed to her scheme, the Admou"r simply assigned a few more crimes to Cholerye by showing that she herself had applied for welfare as an illegal alien with assets when in reality all checks were going to the Admou"r.
The Admou"r was of course unarrestable, but such was not the case with Cholerye, who now faces deportation after she finishes her five year sentence for theft and fraud.
Fortunately, the Admou"r never found out that Mechel Groszgrub was behind the whole scam. But to be sure, he transferred the Kosinska welfare checks to the name Mechel Groszgrub at his own Creedmoor address. This way, if his Chossid dared to challenge him for the Rebbeschaft, he, too, would be deported straight back to Beedapesht. In addition, the Admou'r's becher collection increased by 100 units when a masked robber entered the Groszgrub store and relieved the proprietor of 120 bechers, 20 as his own fee and 100 for the Admou"r.
Score: Creedmoor 10, Kosinska -1000, Groszgrub -10
Showing posts with label cleaning ladies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cleaning ladies. Show all posts
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Part 4 - Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Klara becomes Cholerye...
BS"D
The conversion process was easy. Three full laps in the Creedmoorer mikveh using a flotation device painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, while shouting Shygetz Aross and Down With Zionism comprised the aquatic component, and burning a kerosene soaked flag in one of the few remaining and heavily insured vacant buildings on the Creedmoor complex marked the incendiary component. Earth was represented by the Creedmoor Shma, the words of which are "Herst di! Herzl mit Ben Gurion zenen tiff, tiff in der erd," and wind was represented by well, passing wind.
And Klara, now duly registered as the recipient of Section 8, SSI, disability and social security, as well as food stamps and emergency heating aid all in care of the Admou"r, took the very fitting name of Cholerye.
She also commented on the disarray and dirtiness of the Creedmoor compound, in turn compounded by the latest heap of heavily insured ashes, and offered to clean it free of charge, so long as she could make a movie of her work and attract investors to invest in rights to distribution of the movie.
The first investor was Rabbi David Schmoigerman, who took what he thought was the lion's share of eighty-five per cent. Little did he know, or truly care, that his new Chassidiste was about to sell thirty-six thousand per cent of what she billed as "the first kosher skin flick".
Meanwhile, Cholerye was planning to become Rebbetzin Cholerye Groszgrub, who would rival the Rebbetzins Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and Lilac Blossom Prunepit Schmoigerman when it came to standing behind and supporting a devious and avaricious husband in his many schemes and machinations and avoidance of making so much as one honest penny.
(Part 5 coming soon)
The conversion process was easy. Three full laps in the Creedmoorer mikveh using a flotation device painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, while shouting Shygetz Aross and Down With Zionism comprised the aquatic component, and burning a kerosene soaked flag in one of the few remaining and heavily insured vacant buildings on the Creedmoor complex marked the incendiary component. Earth was represented by the Creedmoor Shma, the words of which are "Herst di! Herzl mit Ben Gurion zenen tiff, tiff in der erd," and wind was represented by well, passing wind.
And Klara, now duly registered as the recipient of Section 8, SSI, disability and social security, as well as food stamps and emergency heating aid all in care of the Admou"r, took the very fitting name of Cholerye.
She also commented on the disarray and dirtiness of the Creedmoor compound, in turn compounded by the latest heap of heavily insured ashes, and offered to clean it free of charge, so long as she could make a movie of her work and attract investors to invest in rights to distribution of the movie.
The first investor was Rabbi David Schmoigerman, who took what he thought was the lion's share of eighty-five per cent. Little did he know, or truly care, that his new Chassidiste was about to sell thirty-six thousand per cent of what she billed as "the first kosher skin flick".
Meanwhile, Cholerye was planning to become Rebbetzin Cholerye Groszgrub, who would rival the Rebbetzins Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and Lilac Blossom Prunepit Schmoigerman when it came to standing behind and supporting a devious and avaricious husband in his many schemes and machinations and avoidance of making so much as one honest penny.
(Part 5 coming soon)
Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Part 3 - Klara Must Convert!
BS"D
Reb Mechel laid down the law to Klara: Unless she converted to Judaism, he would no longer be able to accept her purloined goods, and he would also be compelled to report her to the police as they were on his tail. Since he was not able to moiser a Jew, her conversion would mean that he would just make up names like "Ricardo Rodriguez" (with an address matching that of one of his vacancy tenants) when asked where his stolen merchandise came from.
Knowing that Klara was in no way able to accept any religion which had "Loi Signoiv" among its commandments, he recommended that she convert only via the Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose conversions were in turn recognized by "the very strictest stream of ultra-Orthodox Judaism". Of course that referred only to the rump Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey and Manchester, which accepted conversions based only on witnesses having seen the convert burn the Zionist flag and yell "Shygetz Aross" at counter-demonstrators.
Klara had no problem accepting an appointment to meet Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in his Olympic sized conversion mikve on the grounds of the D-ward Creedmoorer complex. She also had no problem accepting the rather unusual requirements of a Creedmoorer geirus ve'mamzeirus.
(more coming later today).
Reb Mechel laid down the law to Klara: Unless she converted to Judaism, he would no longer be able to accept her purloined goods, and he would also be compelled to report her to the police as they were on his tail. Since he was not able to moiser a Jew, her conversion would mean that he would just make up names like "Ricardo Rodriguez" (with an address matching that of one of his vacancy tenants) when asked where his stolen merchandise came from.
Knowing that Klara was in no way able to accept any religion which had "Loi Signoiv" among its commandments, he recommended that she convert only via the Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose conversions were in turn recognized by "the very strictest stream of ultra-Orthodox Judaism". Of course that referred only to the rump Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey and Manchester, which accepted conversions based only on witnesses having seen the convert burn the Zionist flag and yell "Shygetz Aross" at counter-demonstrators.
Klara had no problem accepting an appointment to meet Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in his Olympic sized conversion mikve on the grounds of the D-ward Creedmoorer complex. She also had no problem accepting the rather unusual requirements of a Creedmoorer geirus ve'mamzeirus.
(more coming later today).
Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor, Part 2 - Reb Mechel Groszgrub
BS"D
Klara Kosinska sold her purloined silver via Mechel Groszgrub, a bent, round little man who had an odd looking picture up on the wall of his small, dirty Borough Park jewelry, silver and gem store.
Not one piece of merchandise in the Groszgrub store was of legitimate origin, and that could be chalked up to the proprietor's devotion to the man in the picture. The subject of the photograph, certainly among the eighty tzaddikim who were the subject of talk in many a mikveh and on Purim, was wearing an orange trash bag over his red silk dress, and a tin foil on his head.
Yes, Mechel Groszgrub was one of perhaps three or four actual, non-phantom followers of the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, and at present the only one who did not reside on either the Creedmoor or Alcatraz campus of the Creedmoorer yeshiva and related enterprises.
Groszgrub had actually been prosecuted no fewer than ten times for arson and insurance fraud, and each time he managed to produce legitimate diagnoses of pyromania, which meant that in the liberal atmosphere of the New York and Federal courts of law, he could be sentenced only to restitution and psychiatric counseling. Restitution was indeed duly paid by Reb Mechel, from the proceeds of welfare and section 8 scams in which payments were issued to him under the names of his tenants. Those phantom tenants were registered as living in uninhabitable apartments which were actually kept vacant and warehoused in his rows and rows of slum apartments in the roughest parts of Brooklyn and the Bronx. That in turn allowed him access to many renovation loans from Government agencies which he took via phantom companies that were bankrupted a few months after loan proceeds reached their accounts.
He had even accepted a sentence of six months of inpatient treatment in the hallowed and also largely vacant halls of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Hospital, where he nearly was able to establish a Chassidic court to rival that of Creedmoor, so brazen and successful were his Medicaid, welfare and medical billing scams.
Groszgrub was actually very jealous of his supposed Rebbe, and found in his best supplier, Klara Kosinzka, a possible way to not only surpass the Admou"r but also to defraud him. If Groszgrub would prove able to defraud Schmoigerman, it would be only a matter of time before all 150 quintillion phantom Chassidim of the Admou"r would follow him instead.
Now, with Klara on his side, Reb Mechel was sure he could become the greatest of phantom Admou"rim overnight. However, the first obstacle was that Klara had to become his Rebbetzin, and for this she needed conversion to Judaism, Creedmoor style.
Klara Kosinska sold her purloined silver via Mechel Groszgrub, a bent, round little man who had an odd looking picture up on the wall of his small, dirty Borough Park jewelry, silver and gem store.
Not one piece of merchandise in the Groszgrub store was of legitimate origin, and that could be chalked up to the proprietor's devotion to the man in the picture. The subject of the photograph, certainly among the eighty tzaddikim who were the subject of talk in many a mikveh and on Purim, was wearing an orange trash bag over his red silk dress, and a tin foil on his head.
Yes, Mechel Groszgrub was one of perhaps three or four actual, non-phantom followers of the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, and at present the only one who did not reside on either the Creedmoor or Alcatraz campus of the Creedmoorer yeshiva and related enterprises.
Groszgrub had actually been prosecuted no fewer than ten times for arson and insurance fraud, and each time he managed to produce legitimate diagnoses of pyromania, which meant that in the liberal atmosphere of the New York and Federal courts of law, he could be sentenced only to restitution and psychiatric counseling. Restitution was indeed duly paid by Reb Mechel, from the proceeds of welfare and section 8 scams in which payments were issued to him under the names of his tenants. Those phantom tenants were registered as living in uninhabitable apartments which were actually kept vacant and warehoused in his rows and rows of slum apartments in the roughest parts of Brooklyn and the Bronx. That in turn allowed him access to many renovation loans from Government agencies which he took via phantom companies that were bankrupted a few months after loan proceeds reached their accounts.
He had even accepted a sentence of six months of inpatient treatment in the hallowed and also largely vacant halls of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Hospital, where he nearly was able to establish a Chassidic court to rival that of Creedmoor, so brazen and successful were his Medicaid, welfare and medical billing scams.
Groszgrub was actually very jealous of his supposed Rebbe, and found in his best supplier, Klara Kosinzka, a possible way to not only surpass the Admou"r but also to defraud him. If Groszgrub would prove able to defraud Schmoigerman, it would be only a matter of time before all 150 quintillion phantom Chassidim of the Admou"r would follow him instead.
Now, with Klara on his side, Reb Mechel was sure he could become the greatest of phantom Admou"rim overnight. However, the first obstacle was that Klara had to become his Rebbetzin, and for this she needed conversion to Judaism, Creedmoor style.
Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Part 1, Klara, Queen of Gownolec
BS"D
Clara, or more correctly Klara, Kosinska, was born and grew up in a little village called Gownolec, located about thirty kilometers from Cracow. To this day, Gownolec remains as forlorn and backward as it had been going back to the very days of its establishment by Count Gowniski, a renegade reprobate who basically invited the least favored peasants in Poland to work the land as his slaves.
A forerunner of Creedmoor, the Count would demand 125% of all crops raised in Gownolec as tribute from each peasant, and when this of course could not be paid, he would throw at least one family member into a dungeon where the debtor was compelled to work day and night making defective horseshoes that the Count would sell at a very high profit. When the horse wearing a "Gowno" horseshoe would break a leg, the Count would volunteer to slaughter and dispose of the steed, promising and never delivering a new mount in his place. That in turn often forced the customer into debt, and into residence at Gownolec, where the count had several enterprising ways of making his victims think they were working off their debts. Of course, all the Gownolec residents were doing was providing the Count with free indentured labor.
It was said that Klara was actually a descendant of this Count and not of the simple Gownolec peasants. Even during Communist times she ran several scams which in essence enslaved her neighbors, and she was always protected by the bribes she was able to give to the Communist authorities.
However, Gownolec was a tiny town, and she searched for greater opportunities. As soon as Communism fell, she knew she had to make her way to America, where so many of her sisters now worked as cleaning ladies for the despised Jews whom they had persecuted for generations. And many of these cleaning ladies actually prospered, some by true hard work and the occasional rogue by dint of theft of jewelry, silver and other valuables from their often prosperous employers.
Klara arrived in Brooklyn, and quickly joined the latter cohort. She claimed she was ready to undertake any task, even at the last moment before Shabbos and Yom Tov. And she did work hard, leaving the home spotless - and devoid of quite a few bechers, lechters and other valuables. As she chose only the most prosperous employers, the defalcations were often not noticed for weeks, and since she never returned or gave her proper name to any given employer, little could be done to prosecute her. Since these sophisticated balabustes had insured their silver, and Klara knew better than to steal heirlooms, they were hardly inclined to seek prosecution or even try to discover who had stolen their silver. At best, Klara's victims obtained required police reports for the sake of legitimate insurance collection and never bothered following up with the police as even had they not received their insurance, the loss meant little to them.
Klara succeeded in using her ill gotten gains to open a beauty salon and Polish restaurant in Brooklyn, which she staffed with fellow Gownolec immigrants and ran in Old Gownolec fashion. The enterprises succeeded, but she would simply fire each new employee a day before pay was due and then lend them money at 140% annual interest. Unable to pay, they would be rehired without salary to repay the debt.
However, she knew that America was not Poland. Moreover, Klara realized that one of the homes she had cleaned and relieved of over twenty thousand dollars worth of jewelry belonged to a woman whose husband had immense political contacts. Therefore, she knew she had to lay low for a while.
Being too ambitious and avaricious to ever stop earning money in Count Gowniski fashion, she soon found out about the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor and decided that she had to convert to Judaism under his auspices. After all, no one, Jewish or gentile, except perhaps Bernard Madoff or Sholam Weiss, embodied the spirit of Gownolec and its founder more than the great Admou"r.
(NB: For those who recognize the word Gowno/Gowniski/Gownolec as being similar to its Russian cognate, and therefore scatological in meaning, it should be noted that researchers are unsure as to whether the Count was given the name Gowniski in recognition of the quality of his horseshoes, or whether the word entered the language because of the nature of the Count and his enterprises. This is similar to the debate surrounding the theory of the origin of the word Dreck as being a mispronunciation of the surname of Fat Ralphie, ne Rafael, Dweck, a reprobate Syrian Jewish fence and dealer in shoddy merchandise amidst the mostly Ashkenazi community in the Lower East Side of old).
Clara, or more correctly Klara, Kosinska, was born and grew up in a little village called Gownolec, located about thirty kilometers from Cracow. To this day, Gownolec remains as forlorn and backward as it had been going back to the very days of its establishment by Count Gowniski, a renegade reprobate who basically invited the least favored peasants in Poland to work the land as his slaves.
A forerunner of Creedmoor, the Count would demand 125% of all crops raised in Gownolec as tribute from each peasant, and when this of course could not be paid, he would throw at least one family member into a dungeon where the debtor was compelled to work day and night making defective horseshoes that the Count would sell at a very high profit. When the horse wearing a "Gowno" horseshoe would break a leg, the Count would volunteer to slaughter and dispose of the steed, promising and never delivering a new mount in his place. That in turn often forced the customer into debt, and into residence at Gownolec, where the count had several enterprising ways of making his victims think they were working off their debts. Of course, all the Gownolec residents were doing was providing the Count with free indentured labor.
It was said that Klara was actually a descendant of this Count and not of the simple Gownolec peasants. Even during Communist times she ran several scams which in essence enslaved her neighbors, and she was always protected by the bribes she was able to give to the Communist authorities.
However, Gownolec was a tiny town, and she searched for greater opportunities. As soon as Communism fell, she knew she had to make her way to America, where so many of her sisters now worked as cleaning ladies for the despised Jews whom they had persecuted for generations. And many of these cleaning ladies actually prospered, some by true hard work and the occasional rogue by dint of theft of jewelry, silver and other valuables from their often prosperous employers.
Klara arrived in Brooklyn, and quickly joined the latter cohort. She claimed she was ready to undertake any task, even at the last moment before Shabbos and Yom Tov. And she did work hard, leaving the home spotless - and devoid of quite a few bechers, lechters and other valuables. As she chose only the most prosperous employers, the defalcations were often not noticed for weeks, and since she never returned or gave her proper name to any given employer, little could be done to prosecute her. Since these sophisticated balabustes had insured their silver, and Klara knew better than to steal heirlooms, they were hardly inclined to seek prosecution or even try to discover who had stolen their silver. At best, Klara's victims obtained required police reports for the sake of legitimate insurance collection and never bothered following up with the police as even had they not received their insurance, the loss meant little to them.
Klara succeeded in using her ill gotten gains to open a beauty salon and Polish restaurant in Brooklyn, which she staffed with fellow Gownolec immigrants and ran in Old Gownolec fashion. The enterprises succeeded, but she would simply fire each new employee a day before pay was due and then lend them money at 140% annual interest. Unable to pay, they would be rehired without salary to repay the debt.
However, she knew that America was not Poland. Moreover, Klara realized that one of the homes she had cleaned and relieved of over twenty thousand dollars worth of jewelry belonged to a woman whose husband had immense political contacts. Therefore, she knew she had to lay low for a while.
Being too ambitious and avaricious to ever stop earning money in Count Gowniski fashion, she soon found out about the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor and decided that she had to convert to Judaism under his auspices. After all, no one, Jewish or gentile, except perhaps Bernard Madoff or Sholam Weiss, embodied the spirit of Gownolec and its founder more than the great Admou"r.
(NB: For those who recognize the word Gowno/Gowniski/Gownolec as being similar to its Russian cognate, and therefore scatological in meaning, it should be noted that researchers are unsure as to whether the Count was given the name Gowniski in recognition of the quality of his horseshoes, or whether the word entered the language because of the nature of the Count and his enterprises. This is similar to the debate surrounding the theory of the origin of the word Dreck as being a mispronunciation of the surname of Fat Ralphie, ne Rafael, Dweck, a reprobate Syrian Jewish fence and dealer in shoddy merchandise amidst the mostly Ashkenazi community in the Lower East Side of old).
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