Admou"r MeCreedmoor Awakens: Will Send Three Quintillion Troops to Back Ghadaffi

BS"D

After a long hibernation in which it was said that he induced symptoms of multiple personality failure in order to avoid prosecution for gross fraud, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, arose from his deathbed to offer assistance to fellow lunatic Muammar el-Ghadaffi of Libya.

"After my friend Reb Muammar said...when I do, everything will burn..I remembered I have insurance on several tents in Libya. So I want to help him make sure everything will burn," the reclusive self-proclaimed leader of 150 quintillion self-proclaimed souls said. "Therefore, I am offering three quintillion of my strongest men and eleven million gallons of rancid galle to the Ghadaffi army in order to fight against those who would dare rebel against the tzaddik ha-dor!"

The Admou"r, who seems to proclaim his own cessation of existence from time to time yet somehow manages to collect various entitlement and subsidy programs for more people than ever existed since the creation of the world, may not have any strong men to send. According to welfare records, every single one of his faithful is either on life support, quadriplegic, blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, or whatever combination of ailments and impediments will get the most sympathy from his network of suborned welfare social workers.

In addition, the Admou"r is said to have built a thirty-two million dollar gravesite for himself, so that he can prove his own demise in the event of arrest or indictment. On April 1, which is the anniversary of his "death" as well as the anniversary of his committment to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center's abandoned D-ward, the grave somehow comes to life when thousands of pilgrims, all of whom share the same address at a Mailboxes Plus in Queens, arrive to pray at the "holy" site.

Middle East observers discount Schmoigerman's offer as another attempt to ensure that the "rabbi" retains the diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome and delusions of grandeur that keeps him in Creedmoor and out of Otisville, where he is said to have both followers and competitors.

Muammar el-Ghadaffi was unable to be reached for comment. His line was busy fielding calls from three quintillion brain-damaged quadriplegics on life support who need transport to arrive in Libya and fight for the Ghadaffi cause.

NEWSFLASH: Obama to Thank Schmoigerman for Making the US A Muslim Country

BS"D

NEWSFLASH (Bubbamayses Press Agency for Der Shygetz):

EXCERPT OF POTUS SPEECH TO BE GIVEN IN DAR AL MAJNOUN HOSPITAL IN CAIRO:

When I told whoever was obtuse enough to believe me that the US is a large Muslim country, it was because thirty five billion Muslims, more than the entire world Muslim population, have been added to the welfare rolls of the US by none other than a Chassidic Jewish rabbi, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a major advocate for the destruction of the Zionist state who was my campaign manager among those who, like him, suffer from multiple voter personality syndrome.

Not only was it Schmoigerman and his double voters who gained me the election, but his followers, men with names like Gimpel Mujahir al-Islam and women boasting such multiculturally ideal names as Fatima Friedman, show the true multicultural nature of our democratic society, where I, like your president Mubarak, can be guaranteed 90% of the prison and mental patient vote thanks to the great work of men like Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor.....

Matza Breakage Insurance Scam Linked to Schmoigerman

BS"D

(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

When AXA, AETNA, Generali, Allstate, State Farm, USAA, AIG and Fireman's Fund simultaneously received policies insuring over 15000 tons of hand made Passover "shmura" matza against breakage, along with 150000 claims of breakage per ton, their representatives suspected a massive scam.

And as with any massive scam related to Jewish practices, or Judaica, the details and mechanism of the scam pointed to one man, albeit one man with a whopping 150 quintillion known multiple personalities, all duly recorded as policy holders.

His name: Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman,  just as well known in the annals of white collar crime (and as lovingly ridiculed in the world of Chassidic Jewry) as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Once again, the champion miscreant made the lives of investigators very easy by admitting to his scam:

"Listen, I iz nisht keeping der Tzioinish yom tov fin Pysach shoyn tzvantzig yohr since der foundink fin der tryfe medine. But I am knowink dat dese matzos which is usink der Tzioinim iz always breakink and den dey ken't make der brooche. So it very simple; I am sayink dat myne bakeraye (Schmoigerman Shmura Chazzerai-Bekerei) iz makink dis year 15000 tons fin shmira matze and yeder matze is tzebrochen geven!

So dat means I ken't sell none fin dem and iz gekimin tzi mir a big insurance because Schmoigerman matzes iz all first oven, 18 minute end sellz far 100 tolar a pound.

And anyway dis iz no problem far der insurance-kompanies because Obama darf gibn dem a bailout anyway far helpink me in my multicultural ektivities!"

Schmoigerman has already contacted US and EU bureaucrats who promise to print more currency so as to stimulate the economy by paying off the debts of the insurance companies to him and his 150 quintillion co-insured. 

If this does not succeed, Schmoigerman is expected to print trillions and trillions more of his own independent currency, the foodshtemp, and ask that it be added to the new planned "Special Drawing Rights" replacement world currency.

Analysts predict that Schmoigerman may also attempt to purchase the insurance firms which he has bilked by assuming their debts to him and his co-insured and then petitioning the Obama administration for a bailout which would also be payable to him and his co-insured.

However, the Obama administration is said to be loathe to approve scams greater than those which are perpetrated by said administration itself.