A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...

BS"D

We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
--------------------------

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A list of Yiddish phrases that sound like brooches or segiles, but actually make no sense, along with a guide on how to mumble so even the most fluent Yiddish speaker thinks you were born next to his grandfather in der alter hyme.

Powder to make your beard grey, and a silver-tipped cane made of pure Chinese plastic.

A map of former shtetlach in Europe with a line through the ones that already have rebbelach, two lines through the ones that already have two rebbelach, and a big, fat X for the ones that have more rebbelach than their entire pre-war Jewish population. Only our map covers the entire former Soviet Union from Estonia to Montenegro (except Kalte-Litvakland) as well as Poilin and all of the lands that belonged to Ingarn before the Treaty of Trisodium Phosphate.

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Matza Breakage Insurance Scam Linked to Schmoigerman

BS"D

(Nishtemmes Press Agency)

When AXA, AETNA, Generali, Allstate, State Farm, USAA, AIG and Fireman's Fund simultaneously received policies insuring over 15000 tons of hand made Passover "shmura" matza against breakage, along with 150000 claims of breakage per ton, their representatives suspected a massive scam.

And as with any massive scam related to Jewish practices, or Judaica, the details and mechanism of the scam pointed to one man, albeit one man with a whopping 150 quintillion known multiple personalities, all duly recorded as policy holders.

His name: Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman,  just as well known in the annals of white collar crime (and as lovingly ridiculed in the world of Chassidic Jewry) as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Once again, the champion miscreant made the lives of investigators very easy by admitting to his scam:

"Listen, I iz nisht keeping der Tzioinish yom tov fin Pysach shoyn tzvantzig yohr since der foundink fin der tryfe medine. But I am knowink dat dese matzos which is usink der Tzioinim iz always breakink and den dey ken't make der brooche. So it very simple; I am sayink dat myne bakeraye (Schmoigerman Shmura Chazzerai-Bekerei) iz makink dis year 15000 tons fin shmira matze and yeder matze is tzebrochen geven!

So dat means I ken't sell none fin dem and iz gekimin tzi mir a big insurance because Schmoigerman matzes iz all first oven, 18 minute end sellz far 100 tolar a pound.

And anyway dis iz no problem far der insurance-kompanies because Obama darf gibn dem a bailout anyway far helpink me in my multicultural ektivities!"

Schmoigerman has already contacted US and EU bureaucrats who promise to print more currency so as to stimulate the economy by paying off the debts of the insurance companies to him and his 150 quintillion co-insured. 

If this does not succeed, Schmoigerman is expected to print trillions and trillions more of his own independent currency, the foodshtemp, and ask that it be added to the new planned "Special Drawing Rights" replacement world currency.

Analysts predict that Schmoigerman may also attempt to purchase the insurance firms which he has bilked by assuming their debts to him and his co-insured and then petitioning the Obama administration for a bailout which would also be payable to him and his co-insured.

However, the Obama administration is said to be loathe to approve scams greater than those which are perpetrated by said administration itself.

Preview: Der Admou"r Becomes an EnvironMentalist.

BS"D

Among the other chidushim we heard at the Yahrtzeit Tish was a lengthy speech in which der Admou"r sheyirfash spoke about global warming and the need to recycle.

Considering the amount of plastic and tin foil used by the nearly 200 quintillion known and duly registered Creedmoorer Chassidim, the spurious revenues accruing to the Admou'r for recycling this waste (or somehow proving that he has collected it for recycling) are astounding.

Add to that the noxious and ozone deforming gases produced by burning down the number of buildings that the Admou"r and his Chassidim claim to incinerate every hour on the hour, and the potential for abuse of worldwide environmental laws reaches truly Creedmoorian proportions.

So how is the Admou"r managing to profit from both recycling AND creating huge amounts of pollution?

More coming soon.....

The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes - Part 1 - the 10 Sfiros

BS"D

With the Kabbalah craze in full swing, how can the Admou"r meCreedmoor not get in on the action? The answer is - of course he is in on the action - with his famous program "The Kabbalah of Investment Schemes".

And it begins with his very novel definition of the 10 Sfiros, or, as he translates them, noxious emissions:

The Head Sfira:

Makas Bechoiros. Makas Bechoiros is akin to the head, as it controls all of the other 9 sfiros. It is particularly praiseworthy to let the sfira of Makas Bechoirois lead you into finding the proper way to handle your money - the reference is to either hitting first or getting hit first which in turn means being among the original investors in a Ponzi scheme.

Sfira #2:

Skila. Skila represents violent and destructive emotions. These should be channeled not into investment decisions but into the fight against tzioinis, chessed and ehrlichkeit that is the essence of a Creedmoorer Chossid.

Sfira #3

Sreyfa. Sreyfa represents burning, and the significance of burning to one who follows in the distortions and darkness of Chassidus Creedmoor should be well known already. One who looks to the sfira of Sreyfa to make investment decisions tends to put down deposits and insurance premiums on vacant buildings.

Sfira #4

Onan. Onan represents non productive wasting of resources. The sfira of Onan is extremely negative and should never be taken into account when dealing with resources belonging to anyone other than the government or the Zionist entity. However, welfare records going back to the time of the avois show that the Schmoigerman rebbeim are registered as descendants of Onan so that even this sfira can be elevated by wasting resources that are not your own anyway.

Sfira #5

Izevel. Izevel represents the folly of allowing one's wife to lead him. This means that whatever profits which result from an illegal transaction will be spent on jewelry, plastic surgery, shoes and other useless items whereas the investor who follows the sfira of Izevel will be soundly blamed when his illegal scams go wrong even though plenty of money is hidden in his Izevel's name.

Sfira #6

Mitzrayim. Mitzrayim represents meitzorim, and this in turn means either honest work or a prison sentence. The Admou"r explains that while he is indeed a second son who would have been left behind in Mitzrayim, today's golus is golus Edom and it is praiseworthy to be left behind as otherwise one would be a tzioini who worships the tryfe state. Therefore, Mitzrayim representing scams that are either so easy to detect that prison is to be expected, as well as honest work, is to be avoided.

Sfira #7

Gezel. Gezel is the most admirable sfira according to Kabbalas Malkos Creedmoor. This is because gezel represents the transfer of gashmius from those who are affected with the klipas of civilization and hard work to those who resist same. Gezel investments are those in which all benefit except the mark, but the mark is nisht fin inzerer so it hardly matters. And if the mark is the government of any democracy except Iran, then harei ze meshubuch.

Sfira #8

Mirma. Mirma is deceit and this is the basis for the positive sfiras of gezel and makas bechoirois. The Admou"r somehow connects makas bechoirois to the deceit of Lovon giving his older daughter Leah to Yaakov before Rochel the younger daughter, and since like Lovon HaArami the Admou"r "bikesh laakor et hakol" meaning in this case to destroy not only tzioinis but the whole world economy through his welfare scams and printing of bad money, he is a great admirer of Lovon.

Sfira #9

Pritzus. Without pritzus, the rock on which Chassidus Creedmoor stands, namely the Mishmeres haTznius could not exist. As far as investments are concerned, the Admour speaks of "poiretz geder", meaning that all investment scams must break through the boundaries of even plausible scams. The Admou"r no longer sets up a scam unless it will net him over three quintillion counterfeit Euros in profit, and these Euro must be in odd numbered two digit denominations so that no one mistakes them for Tzioini or otherwise legal Euros.

Sfira #10

Prikus Oyl. This is another key sfira in Chassidus Creedmoor, for the Admou"r connects the word prikus to the word pork (which the Admou"r accepts as kosher so long as the pigs were schechted by welfare recipients and/or using stolen circular saws, and are sold in packages that are at least 35% shortweight). And pork comes from the chozzer. an animal associated with greed and overstuffing. It is also an animal which has kosher feet but is of course not kosher - the epitome of the chitzoinius (externality or superficiality) to which the fanatic Creedmoorer is enjoined to strive. And finally, it represents pork barrel politics, which allows special interest groups, such as multiple welfare recipients who operate their own welfare printing houses, to obtain all sorts of benefits and exemptions from prosecution on the basis of their mental patient status. In short, the Admou"r instructs his Chassidim to be the ultimate porkers in every sense of the world - and a prikus oyl investment is one where there are no restrictions whatsoever to the greed of all participants.

The Weekly Questionnaire from Cheder Pesha ve'Resha

BS"D

Like most schools, Creedmoor's flagship chyder sends a weekly questionnaire to parents of its fortunate students. Here is an example of same, in the original Hymish:

Name_____________

Names vus is registered mit dem welfare (please to use as much space from which you need):
_____________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________

How many times is your son this week making fights with his brider in shvester?_________

How many times is usink your kid bad language tzi redn about der Tzioinim or anyone else from which not is agreeing Chassidis Creedmoor?____________

How many times your yingle has lifted from shops this week?____________

Your yingle has maybe done his part far "Mivtza Break Your Neighbor's Fenster, Bike, Arm or Leg if He Doesn't Dress or Daven Exactly as You Do?" Please tell what has he done!_____________________

When the social worker is gekimen in shteeb, how many brother and sister is telling her your yingle is havink? Is it more or less than what you shrabt on the welfare?__________

Your yingle has burnt something down this week? Yoh___ Nyne___

Is your yingle learnink bed words in Spenish and Aynglish so he ken start fights with the shkootzim? Please not to be afraid to write from what werds he lernt.____________

Did your yingle have a food fight at the last chassune, bar mitzvah, vort or Section 8 approval party he is attending?__________

How many times your yingle is burning the Tzioinish flag? Far grades 1-2 has he done it this week in a warehouse near the gas?_______

Did your yingle manage to koif a bicycle oder an mp3 player mit foodshtemps or did he just steal one?_________

Please to be dishonest in usual Creedmoor feshion; is gekimen a prize (a yichid mitt'n Rebb'n) for the kid who is havink the best answers yeder voch for the next 2 chodoshim.

A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik

BS"D

(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)

Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?

Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)

All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.

Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!

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"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)

And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new

Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator

FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!

"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)

And we also gib dir free of charge:

Goods Reclassifier

Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!

End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?

NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!

Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and

BURN BABY BURN

Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!

Rubin-Has-No-Life

Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.

For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.

Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.

And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.

In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.

And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."

Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.

In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.

But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!

Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.