Lecha Doidi Creedmoor Style - With Apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine

BS"D

My apologies to Yisroel Werdyger and Boruch Levine for turning the original song (YW) and the great English version, based on a real story (BL) into a parody (and of course to Rav Shlomo Alkabetz ZYA), but this is no holds barred Creedmoor where everything goes.

Unsolicited Recommendation: if you don't have the Werdyger and Levine albums get them NOW while you can still listen: "Bayis Neemon beYisroel" and "Touched by a Niggun"


In a Federal courtroom on a morning so gray
The bored jury counted down to the day
That the judge would sentence Shmeel for arson again
And send him off to prison for a good five to ten

But in a corner sat the guilty man
Doing anything to avoid a spell in the can
Suddenly words so familiar to the judge
Shmeel began to mercilessly fudge

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

In a tune that all wish had remained unheard
Screeched and screamed Shmeel the future jailbird
As candles flickered in his dark holding cell
But this was Tuesday, not Friday, he had to be unwell

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"What was he doing singing Lecha Doidi
In a coarse, raucous tune that irritated me
On a Tuesday morning in Manhattan, New York
For a Jewish judge who proudly ate pork?"

Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecha doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The charge was arson, for at least the third time
On the Three Strikes Law he could do life for his crime
But Shmeel der Brenner was determined you see
To convince the judge that he was totally cray-zee

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge heard the words, and suffered through the tune
He wondered if last night there had been a full moon
In any case Shmeel was nuts as he could see
Only a nut started Tuesday with Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

The judge said these words that gladdened Shmeel's heart:
"I happen to be Jewish, though I don't look the part
And when I went to camp years and years ago
We sang Lecha Doidi on Friday night you know!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"The sentencing guidelines in your case are clear
You are criminally insane, away you go for a year
To Creedmoor, dear Creedmoor, to a padded cell
And after that you will surely be well!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

So off to Creedmoor went Shmeel with glee
Still in his bathrobe singing Lecho Doidi
They escorted him off to a clean padded cell
And told him they would let him out when he's well

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And that first Shabbos, just before Friday night,
The brand new psychiatrist recoiled in fright
Shmeel the Firebug lit candles with glee
And the cell caught fire as he sang Lecho Doidi

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

"Doctor, dear Doctor, I meant no harm
But collecting on this one is a real charm
I put fire insurance on this rubber room too
Now let me go home and I'll share it with you!"

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

But this time the scheme came to a bad end
The shrink was a Muslim and by no means a friend
Shmeel was sent away to a koilel run by the Feds
And they stopped his pills when he was caught selling the meds!

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

And Dr Mohammed Khan collected every cent
On the policy for the cell that was zer shtark farbrent
But when the police caught on to his game
To Karachi he was deported, his head bent in shame

Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo
Lecho doidi likras kalloh, oid kama binyonim nisryfo

Carlebach meets Creedmoor - Raheem Carlebach style

BS"D

"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."

"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."

"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."

"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"

"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"

"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"

"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."

"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."

"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..

Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."

A word from our sponsor - "Raheem" Smoke Shop, Pharmacy and Loan Center

BS"D

From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).

"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"

Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

Raheem

He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

---switches to rap beat-----

If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!

Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).

"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys

BS"D

In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"

In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone

And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he

But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die

When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight

And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail

That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan

No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.

The Petek and the Nigun - A Revelation from the Admou"r

BS"D

Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:

"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:

'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.

I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."

And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":

Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.

Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.

Creedmoorer Chad Gadyo and quick Echod Mi Yodea..

BS"D

Man tatte bought a goat

He paid shoyn two C-note

He took that lousy goat

And cut its own throat

Life insurance for the goat

Was enough to buy a boat

In the river go the boat

And Tatty say it doesn't float

Insurance paid twice for the boat

And ten times for the goat

Not bad for a stinkin goat

That cost just 2 C-note

For Tatty that wasn't enough

Cuz life is getting tough

He buy diamonds in the rough

And a machine he can buff

The machine he say no work

But Tatty iz no jerk

He call the insurance clerk

On his face a great big smirk

Insurance send many C-note

Lots more den for the goat

And ten times den for da boat

Tatty puff up and gloat

So Tatty buy a store

Make a fire, den no more

Burn down to the core

And insurance pay the store

Den Tatty build a mall

No one rent dere at all

A flood ruin the mall

And insurance pay for all

Again Tatty puff up and gloat

Much more than for the goat

Dat Tatty slit its throat

And buy for just 2 C-note

Tatty say now he poor

And business he not sure

No insurance no more

Kollel open its door

Tatty get Section-8

SSI cause he's tzu drayt

He get up very late

Then check de Forex rate

He learn a line a day

Not care he get no pay

Dere is just no way

Welfare know what he put away

Not bad for just a goat

Dat cost only 2 C-note

---------------

Who knows one?

I know one!

One is the Admou"r meCreedmoor

Without his welfare names!

Who knows two? 

I know two!

Two are the Creedmoor shuls

In Creedmoor and Alcatraz!

Who knows three?

I know three!

Three are the Creedmoorer kehillos
On the tax exemption rolls!

Who knows four?

I know four!
Four are the ways to off someone

Lead, sword, rope and stones!

.....

Who knows eight?

I know eight!
Eight is the section of the Housing Act!

----

Who knows 150 quintillion?

I know 150 quintillion!

150 quintillion are the Chassidim of the Admou'r

In Heaven, on Earth and in the stars!

"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody

Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh

The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor

Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor

A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday