BS"D
"Mustafa, you can maybe take me to the rich people, who give money, and not to the airport? Feldstein he is stupid, he send me to airport because he think I can collect there."
Mustafa Asad Fareed and Moshe Aryeh Friedman resembled each other not only in name, but also in moral fiber. Fareed was a Pakistani cabbie who made his living taking meshuluchim to homes in Antwerp, even though he was a fervent supporter of Islamic radicals. Since 60 Euro was three times the fare needed to bring his passenger to the Jewish residential district of Antwerp, Fareed was more than happy to ignore his order to take Friedman to the airport.
Instead, Friedman arrived on the doorstep of Reb Berish and Chave Byla Lowenstein's home, a few moments after Malki came home from seminary, accompanied by her friend Tamar.
"Shulem alychen. I am Avrohom Yeshiye Heschel Yekusiel Yehide Yitzchok Myer Yissochor DovBer HaCohen Lowenstein, but Reb Berish, or even if you like Fetter Berish, is fine with me." The watch importer, a native of Williamsburgh who had moved to Antwerp after marriage, was named for four relatives who perished in the war, each of whom was named for a famous Rebbe. "You are very welcome here whenever you want to come. I have to fly to the States tonight and I will be back just in time for Shabbos, but my wife, Chava Byle, and of course Malki and her sisters, will show you around."
Suddenly, the doorbell rang repeatedly. Reb Berish said: "Oy, it is always stuck." He called to his sons: "Yossel, Shmilu, you think one of you can fix the bell? The key to my tool chest is in my desk if you want to try tonight, or just call someone tomorrow morning before you leave for yeshiva."
This time, however, the doorbell was not stuck. It was being pressed repeatedly by an intercontinental perennial nudnik who had made himself a pariah in Antwerp after only a few months of residence there. What's more, he was wearing what appeared to be a dress.
Unfortunately, Reb Berish was not wearing his glasses, as he had rushed downstairs to welcome Tamar. He looked through the peephole of his majestic oak door and saw only a blurry, bedraggled figure.
"Someone please bring me at least ten Euro, or if someone wants to do a mitzvah, please come here. I left everything upstairs."
Reb Berish opened the door, to his great chagrin. Immediately recognizing Friedman, he angrily blurted out:
"Moishele Friedman? In a dress? Today is not Peerim, but I guess you wanted to look in place over at Bnois Yerushalayim. What may I seruv you? My wife makes an excellent Viennese cherem cake, you know..."
"I am fundraising for seminary tuition. I want to become a teacher from girls, they should know more from how to fight the evils of segregation, tzioinis, and everything. Maybe you can give me 100 Euro and lend me another 3,000?"
Reb Berish Lowenstein looked as if he was about to land his entire six feet, two inches of height and two hundred and twenty pounds of weight on the minuscule Friedman's shpitzel-covered head:
"Friedman, seminary? Or cemetery? It doesn't matter much because no one is burying you anywhere but in the Muslim cemetery, and maybe they have a place where you can learn to teach girls.. You belong in Sing Sing, no, really in Creedmoor, you meshigginer, you menivel, you shtickel po......you know what Creedmoor is?"
"Sure, Reb Yid. I was there when I was a kid. Dr. Weinberg, Rabbi Goldman..."
"You were really once in Creedmoor? I am not surprised. Rabbi Goldman, this is the chaplain there? I will call him and see if you were really there, because maybe you can be sent back. Meanwhile, get off my property, or I'll do my kappoores early this year with a fruitcake instead of a chicken!" The door slammed shut.
Little did Reb Berish know that Dr. Weinberg had left Creedmoor ages ago, and that "Rabbi Goldman" was an old alias for a self-appointed Rebbe who was hardly the chaplain there. So, he made a mental note to himself to call Rabbi Goldman at Creedmoor if he bumped into Friedman again upon his return from his business trip.
---to be continued----
Showing posts with label Creedmoor is back. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Creedmoor is back. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Moshe Aryeh Friedman Goes to Seminary: Part 2
BS"D
Malki Lowenstein could not have been more different from Tamar Moshashvili, and it was Malki upon whom both Rebbetzin Goldman and Tamar herself relied to keep Tamar out of trouble.
"Tamar, I am going to call Malki, she's wasting her time in class today anyway because she knows more about the parsha than Mrs. Lichtman, and I don't understand why I haven't been to her vort yet. Meanwhile, we have to do something about that phone, don't we. Maybe my son-in-law Yankel will give you something for it. He'll be here in a minute!"
For Tamar, this seemed like the Game Over message on one of the games she had played on her new phone. She did not have to wait long for Yankel to arrive.
"So, what is this I saw in the basement, I heard noise, and I saw Friedman the Freak down there! So I start to sing: "Moishe Aryeye Friedman, chomor di, eisel di, menivel di. Vus a shygetz tit do in Antverp...." His mother-in-law immediately recognized the Belzer nigun "Omor Reb Akiva, ashreicheim Yisroel..ma mikveh metaher.."
"YANKEL! That is a hylige niggin, where do you get such words!"
"Shvigger, where did you get Friedman? This is a GIRLS' seminary, isn't it - and where did he get that ugly dress?"
"The same place Miss Moshashvili got this phone here, I guess - from a store window."
Yankel, a large and burly, but gentle, man, brandished an owner's manual and bellowed: "Serial number 3685952. Manufactured 10 November 2012. Missing since motzoei shabbos parshas Vayero when my window somehow broke, right?"
Tamar Moshashvili shook as she spurted out: "Mister, you can have it back. The adapter is at home. 5 Vielge, third floor. The door is open. My mother drinks and sleeps all the time so just go in and do what you want."
"Miss, I don't turn Jews in to the police, but I had one more day before I had to make an insurance claim, so you are very lucky. Now, you don't look like a phone thief to me, so maybe you want to tell me who got you this phone? I wish it were Friedman because him I'm allowed to moiser, or maybe I could just break his beitzim with a nutcracker, but Friedman didn't rob my store because he wouldn't know which way to swing a hammer.."
"YANKEL! With a nutcracker you break eggs? There are girls around here! You want they should get confused when they cook for their husbands?" his mother-in-law scolded.
"Friedman's eggs I break with a nutcracker. Burich Hashem, you taught Rochele well and she knows how to break a chicken's egg, for what I need to know how to do it? I open a refrigerator in my store, I show it to the baleboste, ten percent off I give her, she buys, I take home the gelt. At home for what I should open a refrigerator?"
Rebbetzin Goldman was about to berate her son-in-law again for his inappropriate display of humor in her seminary, but Malki Lowenstein showed up in the middle of the chaos. She saw the burly electronics dealer confronting Tamar, and immediately asked: "Are you in trouble, Tami? We'll work it out."
Malki was actually quite petite, smaller even than Moshe Aryeh Friedman, but she was hardly intimidated by Reb Yankel's bulky form. After all, she was a daughter of one of the finest families in Antwerp, and her married sisters, all of whom resembled her, bought plenty of appliances from his store.
Reb Yankel turned around, and asked her: "Your name I don't know, but I think you have a sister Mrs. Berkowitz, maybe another one let me think..her husband is Berel Cohen, your father wholesales Swiss watches, and your brother, he likes computers and he wants to learn to play keyboard..."
"Yes, that is us, and thank you for always helping by giving us prizes for our chesed drives. Did someone call Hatzoloh?" She knew Reb Yankel was a Hatzoloh volunteer from the two-way radio he carried.
"No, but someone has a phone she wants to give back to me. And there is a freak from Vienna downstairs!"
"A freak from Vienna? My father says that there is a creature from Vienna that swims in the sewers here, and if my little brother doesn't behave, he'll feed him to the Viennese sewer monster. So he's for real?"
"This one can't eat your brother, and my shvigger she'll kill me if I said what he does eat in front of you and your friend. He looks like he came from the sewer, that's for sure. A house coat he wears, so ugly I'd be embarrassed even if my 95-year-old baabe who can hardly see anymore wears a thing like that! Now, forget Friedman and back to the phone. Your friend here says she got a 900-Euro phone from my store as a gift, but someone forgot to pay for it. I'm missing six more, not so good like this, but worth 400 Euro each."
"Rebbetzin Goldman, what is going on here? Friedman? Which Friedman? Downstairs?"
"Malki, yes, a man named Friedman entered this building by mistake and is resting downstairs with Mr. Igor the new janitor. He'll be gone soon. Tamar, please tell my son-in-law how he can get his six phones back and his window fixed."
"Tamar," Malki pleaded, "please tell Reb Yankel everything. I will get you money from my father if you have to pay him back, but please, my mother wants you to stay with us at least every Shabbos. She really doesn't mind. We have two extra rooms and everything you need.."
"Mr. Goldman!" "No, your principal is my wife's mother, not mine, my name is Mr. Feldstein." "My, my brother stole your phones. But he's not working alone. He probably doesn't have the phones anymore. This phone he gave me, I really don't even know where your store is and I try to make a better life for myself so I don't do nothing with my brother and his friends. I didn't steal it, but I believe you that it's yours. If you beat up Friedman, my brother and his friends will respect you and pay you back. Otherwise, I love Malki but I can't take money to pay you for what I didn't do!"
"Tamar is your name, yes? I am not street trash. I don't beat anyone up, not even Friedman. And I know you did not do it, even though you knew that phone wasn't paid for. Just give me back what you have, and that's it. Please come by my store if you need help; I know everyone in town. But I have to go to the police tomorrow, or I don't get insurance. Times are hard, and I can't lose money right now. If your brother drops off the phones or the money tomorrow before I guess about five when the day police shift ends, I won't say a word, and I won't even charge for the window unless he tries anything again. Friedman is another story. He'll get his own tuches in jail without my having to go there with him for beating up a sewer rat."
And who entered but Moshe Aryeh Friedman, minus his shpitzel but still dressed in a house coat, that was now ripped along the side as he had snagged it on a shelf peg in the basement.
"So these are two from my classmates? And who is this?" He turned to Reb Yankel: "Mister, shygetz aross, this is a girl's seminary. I'm Masha Esther Friedman, you are Tamar, and you are?" Friedman turned to Malki with a moronic grin on his face.
"I am Malka, my last name you don't need to know, and you are not Masha Esther Friedman. You are Moshe Aryeh Friedman, and yes, I heard your sons go to school with my two youngest sisters."
"MALKI! You've gone meshigge now too? What are you talking about? Your sisters have no boys in their school!"
Malki did not have to say a word. Reb Yankel pulled out a newspaper and handed it to his shvigger: "Shvigger, I know you don't read the papers, but this is one week you should. Moshe Aryeh Friedman has enrolled his sons in Bnos Yerushalayim, thanks to the courts and his menivel ideas. I should maybe sell his wife a washing machine on credit so she can run him through it the way his mother did when he was a baby.."
"Yankel, you have what paper there? From last Peerim? Hold on, I am getting my glasses so I can read this!"
"It's Sunday's Flemish paper. You know I advertise in there every week, so I get a copy in the store. Read it sitting down, Shvigger! I don't want you to fall or faint when you read it. It is true."
She quickly read and understood the article: "That does NOT mean that MISTER Friedman can register here though. This is a private school. Yankel, maybe you want to take him to the beis mishegoyim, or the zoo?"
Tamar had the last word: "There's no rat cage in Antwerp Zoo. I can flush his.."
"Tamar, STOP RIGHT NOW and please listen to your friend. You need to spend time in a real Yiddishe hyme. Go home with her tonight. You're a nice girl and you need to live like one so you can learn to act and talk like one. You know where she lives, you can just walk there after the last class. Friedman needs to spend time somewhere far, far away, because he is not going to set foot in a classroom here!"
Little Friedman piped up: "Tomor'l, shyne mydel, why your brother so angry at me? I can to help him so much, he wants to make big money in Gaza, in Iran...."
Rebbetzin Goldman nearly screamed: "Tamar and Malki, go back to parsha class. No need for you to hear such shtissim. Yankel, can you take Friedman somewhere in your car?
"Shvigger, Friedman might as well be in cherem. I can't be seen with him. I didn't drive here anyway, my car is in the shop and you know I don't like to ride a bicycle, so I took a taxi. Here's 60 Euro. I am calling a cab to take him out of town."
----to be continued tomorrow---
Malki Lowenstein could not have been more different from Tamar Moshashvili, and it was Malki upon whom both Rebbetzin Goldman and Tamar herself relied to keep Tamar out of trouble.
"Tamar, I am going to call Malki, she's wasting her time in class today anyway because she knows more about the parsha than Mrs. Lichtman, and I don't understand why I haven't been to her vort yet. Meanwhile, we have to do something about that phone, don't we. Maybe my son-in-law Yankel will give you something for it. He'll be here in a minute!"
For Tamar, this seemed like the Game Over message on one of the games she had played on her new phone. She did not have to wait long for Yankel to arrive.
"So, what is this I saw in the basement, I heard noise, and I saw Friedman the Freak down there! So I start to sing: "Moishe Aryeye Friedman, chomor di, eisel di, menivel di. Vus a shygetz tit do in Antverp...." His mother-in-law immediately recognized the Belzer nigun "Omor Reb Akiva, ashreicheim Yisroel..ma mikveh metaher.."
"YANKEL! That is a hylige niggin, where do you get such words!"
"Shvigger, where did you get Friedman? This is a GIRLS' seminary, isn't it - and where did he get that ugly dress?"
"The same place Miss Moshashvili got this phone here, I guess - from a store window."
Yankel, a large and burly, but gentle, man, brandished an owner's manual and bellowed: "Serial number 3685952. Manufactured 10 November 2012. Missing since motzoei shabbos parshas Vayero when my window somehow broke, right?"
Tamar Moshashvili shook as she spurted out: "Mister, you can have it back. The adapter is at home. 5 Vielge, third floor. The door is open. My mother drinks and sleeps all the time so just go in and do what you want."
"Miss, I don't turn Jews in to the police, but I had one more day before I had to make an insurance claim, so you are very lucky. Now, you don't look like a phone thief to me, so maybe you want to tell me who got you this phone? I wish it were Friedman because him I'm allowed to moiser, or maybe I could just break his beitzim with a nutcracker, but Friedman didn't rob my store because he wouldn't know which way to swing a hammer.."
"YANKEL! With a nutcracker you break eggs? There are girls around here! You want they should get confused when they cook for their husbands?" his mother-in-law scolded.
"Friedman's eggs I break with a nutcracker. Burich Hashem, you taught Rochele well and she knows how to break a chicken's egg, for what I need to know how to do it? I open a refrigerator in my store, I show it to the baleboste, ten percent off I give her, she buys, I take home the gelt. At home for what I should open a refrigerator?"
Rebbetzin Goldman was about to berate her son-in-law again for his inappropriate display of humor in her seminary, but Malki Lowenstein showed up in the middle of the chaos. She saw the burly electronics dealer confronting Tamar, and immediately asked: "Are you in trouble, Tami? We'll work it out."
Malki was actually quite petite, smaller even than Moshe Aryeh Friedman, but she was hardly intimidated by Reb Yankel's bulky form. After all, she was a daughter of one of the finest families in Antwerp, and her married sisters, all of whom resembled her, bought plenty of appliances from his store.
Reb Yankel turned around, and asked her: "Your name I don't know, but I think you have a sister Mrs. Berkowitz, maybe another one let me think..her husband is Berel Cohen, your father wholesales Swiss watches, and your brother, he likes computers and he wants to learn to play keyboard..."
"Yes, that is us, and thank you for always helping by giving us prizes for our chesed drives. Did someone call Hatzoloh?" She knew Reb Yankel was a Hatzoloh volunteer from the two-way radio he carried.
"No, but someone has a phone she wants to give back to me. And there is a freak from Vienna downstairs!"
"A freak from Vienna? My father says that there is a creature from Vienna that swims in the sewers here, and if my little brother doesn't behave, he'll feed him to the Viennese sewer monster. So he's for real?"
"This one can't eat your brother, and my shvigger she'll kill me if I said what he does eat in front of you and your friend. He looks like he came from the sewer, that's for sure. A house coat he wears, so ugly I'd be embarrassed even if my 95-year-old baabe who can hardly see anymore wears a thing like that! Now, forget Friedman and back to the phone. Your friend here says she got a 900-Euro phone from my store as a gift, but someone forgot to pay for it. I'm missing six more, not so good like this, but worth 400 Euro each."
"Rebbetzin Goldman, what is going on here? Friedman? Which Friedman? Downstairs?"
"Malki, yes, a man named Friedman entered this building by mistake and is resting downstairs with Mr. Igor the new janitor. He'll be gone soon. Tamar, please tell my son-in-law how he can get his six phones back and his window fixed."
"Tamar," Malki pleaded, "please tell Reb Yankel everything. I will get you money from my father if you have to pay him back, but please, my mother wants you to stay with us at least every Shabbos. She really doesn't mind. We have two extra rooms and everything you need.."
"Mr. Goldman!" "No, your principal is my wife's mother, not mine, my name is Mr. Feldstein." "My, my brother stole your phones. But he's not working alone. He probably doesn't have the phones anymore. This phone he gave me, I really don't even know where your store is and I try to make a better life for myself so I don't do nothing with my brother and his friends. I didn't steal it, but I believe you that it's yours. If you beat up Friedman, my brother and his friends will respect you and pay you back. Otherwise, I love Malki but I can't take money to pay you for what I didn't do!"
"Tamar is your name, yes? I am not street trash. I don't beat anyone up, not even Friedman. And I know you did not do it, even though you knew that phone wasn't paid for. Just give me back what you have, and that's it. Please come by my store if you need help; I know everyone in town. But I have to go to the police tomorrow, or I don't get insurance. Times are hard, and I can't lose money right now. If your brother drops off the phones or the money tomorrow before I guess about five when the day police shift ends, I won't say a word, and I won't even charge for the window unless he tries anything again. Friedman is another story. He'll get his own tuches in jail without my having to go there with him for beating up a sewer rat."
And who entered but Moshe Aryeh Friedman, minus his shpitzel but still dressed in a house coat, that was now ripped along the side as he had snagged it on a shelf peg in the basement.
"So these are two from my classmates? And who is this?" He turned to Reb Yankel: "Mister, shygetz aross, this is a girl's seminary. I'm Masha Esther Friedman, you are Tamar, and you are?" Friedman turned to Malki with a moronic grin on his face.
"I am Malka, my last name you don't need to know, and you are not Masha Esther Friedman. You are Moshe Aryeh Friedman, and yes, I heard your sons go to school with my two youngest sisters."
"MALKI! You've gone meshigge now too? What are you talking about? Your sisters have no boys in their school!"
Malki did not have to say a word. Reb Yankel pulled out a newspaper and handed it to his shvigger: "Shvigger, I know you don't read the papers, but this is one week you should. Moshe Aryeh Friedman has enrolled his sons in Bnos Yerushalayim, thanks to the courts and his menivel ideas. I should maybe sell his wife a washing machine on credit so she can run him through it the way his mother did when he was a baby.."
"Yankel, you have what paper there? From last Peerim? Hold on, I am getting my glasses so I can read this!"
"It's Sunday's Flemish paper. You know I advertise in there every week, so I get a copy in the store. Read it sitting down, Shvigger! I don't want you to fall or faint when you read it. It is true."
She quickly read and understood the article: "That does NOT mean that MISTER Friedman can register here though. This is a private school. Yankel, maybe you want to take him to the beis mishegoyim, or the zoo?"
Tamar had the last word: "There's no rat cage in Antwerp Zoo. I can flush his.."
"Tamar, STOP RIGHT NOW and please listen to your friend. You need to spend time in a real Yiddishe hyme. Go home with her tonight. You're a nice girl and you need to live like one so you can learn to act and talk like one. You know where she lives, you can just walk there after the last class. Friedman needs to spend time somewhere far, far away, because he is not going to set foot in a classroom here!"
Little Friedman piped up: "Tomor'l, shyne mydel, why your brother so angry at me? I can to help him so much, he wants to make big money in Gaza, in Iran...."
Rebbetzin Goldman nearly screamed: "Tamar and Malki, go back to parsha class. No need for you to hear such shtissim. Yankel, can you take Friedman somewhere in your car?
"Shvigger, Friedman might as well be in cherem. I can't be seen with him. I didn't drive here anyway, my car is in the shop and you know I don't like to ride a bicycle, so I took a taxi. Here's 60 Euro. I am calling a cab to take him out of town."
----to be continued tomorrow---
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Update: Ramas Beis Tznius
BS"D
The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!
Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!
More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.
The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!
Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!
More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Greatest Chanike Extravaganza: Prelude: The Magic Fuel from Iran
BS"D
Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.
The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:
Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...
which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:
פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...
Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד
This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.
"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"
This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.
"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."
"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"
Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be סקרוד over quite royally.
After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.
Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.
He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi.
However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of סקרוד nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.
Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.
The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:
Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...
which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:
פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...
Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד
This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.
"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"
This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.
"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."
"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"
Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be סקרוד over quite royally.
After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.
Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.
He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi.
However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of סקרוד nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Va'ani zois berisi oisam...the Admou"r is confirmed insane for another year
BS"D
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
The hall in C-ward for long term patients was empty except for two psychiatrists, Dr Koo Sum Ak and Dr Prasad "Chowd" Chowdhury...and a mysteriously dressed guest who seemed to have wandered out of an earlier era where padded cells and straitjackets were the standard of care for those unfortunates who truly must reside in C-ward due to sentences of "not guilty by reason of insanity" for crimes such as arson for pleasure, murder at the command of voices that no one else can hear and the like.
But today's guest, while indeed deriving much pleasure from arson, was never sentenced to any sort of therapy. Instead, he occupies an entire set of abandoned buildings, where he claims to house 180 quintillion souls according to Medicaid and EBT records.
He is, of course, Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, crazy as a fox, but still in need of official certification of insanity and confirmation of failure of treatment on an annual basis so as to avoid being officially released - as official release would mean being indicted and put on trial for no fewer than 180 quintillion counts of welfare fraud, wire fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, counterfeiting and just about every other serious white collar felony listed on Federal, State and international law codes.
Dovid Schmoigerman, whose own name and welfare records are of course also a forgery, as only a master forger would claim he is a descendant of "Onan the Barbarian" as well as his brother Er, and whose family merited the surname "Shoiteh, Menuval veGasRuach" going all the way back to the Roman era through to pre-war Hungary where it was abbreviated to Smoger, which became Schmoigerman in 20th century post-war Williamsburgh, from which it in turn became Patient Number 208-156-999 upon its bearer's semi-voluntary commitment to Creedmoor, now needed to prove his annual qualifications for retaining that commitment.
And he did so most willingly, making the following speech:
"Only I, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, rosh verishona lekol davar shebegezel vemirma, ben yochid d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin, dealer in fermented kokosh cake since the time of the great twin cities of Sdom and Amoiro, can see that there are 180 quintillion souls in this room, for ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM! I, Admou"r Basheffer Dovid Schmoigerman, am able to create souls out of nothing, because I have the divine spark that I have used to burn down half of Harlem from 698th street to 1492nd street, and most of the Third Tembel and the Fourth Ahabel! ANI ZOIS BERISI OISOM...and now I am going to use the Divine spark which I found at the last 4th of July Parade in 1876 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary to bring back the old and respected punishment of SREYFO for all who support the Zionist entity morally and athletically..."
Neither Dr Koo nor Dr Chowdhury understood any of the "tzioinish" terminology used in the Admou"r's speech, for if they did, they would have known that the Admou"r was referring to the very true fact that he himself had created every one of his phantom personalities for the sole purpose of defrauding an entire globe's worth of public and private aid agencies, insurance companies, banks and much else. "ANI ZOIS BERIS OISOM...and I am that which created them...was indeed an accurate statement, but to these two underskilled and overburdened psychiatrists, it was just the babble of a schizophrenic patient like hundreds of others they had observed.
And then, the Admou"r produced a life sized rubber duckie, with a Zionist flag painted on its rump, as well as a device that seemed to enable him to heat lead to melting point but which was in reality a large pressure cooker filled with dull grey paint. The Admou"r then picked up the duckie and said: "You are hereby pronounced upon the holy punishment of SRYEFOH for the sin of supporting Zionism from your very behind, your very tachtoinim!" After circling the duckie over his head, he proceeded to do the same over the head of each psychiatrist, leaving a quarter sized bruise on the bald forehead of the diminutive Dr Koo and a bit of blue and white paint on the cheek of Dr Chowdhury.
Now, the Admou"r poured the paint over the duckie's head, lit a match and announced: "Chevre, I have this room insured with a few companies. The adjuster will be here any moment. 20% for each of you, OK, and 30% of the duckie too..."
Verdict: "Patient no sane" Signed, Dr Koo Sum Ak. "You know, this patient is most twisted outside head and inside. I must proclaim that he is incurably not in any sanity!" Signed, Dr Prasad Chowdhury.
And when both doctors left the room to call the fire company, Schmoigerman extinguished the flame, whisked his new Vertu phone out from under his tin foil bekeshe, and called Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster for the very final psak din:
"Schmoigerman, I got you five million on the hospital room but only three and a half on your purebred ummm...schmum...duck. 15% for me, OK, so I'm wiring zibn million mit eppes to where this time?"
And the ostensibly insanely anti-Zionist Admou"r whispered..."shh...zug nisht tzi yener...wire it tzi Bank Leumi account 69635852 in der Panama office, besyder...!"
So ended the Admou"r's annual patient evaluation.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The Admou"r's Abode
BS"D
We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!
For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.
http://kingstonlounge.blogspot.com/2008/03/creedmoor-state-hospital-building-25.html
We will be back on Sunday when we will present the life and times of the Manganeser Rov, the mysterious guest who actually hails back to the Manganeser Chassidishe hoif of Szarkonosvary, with the name given because of the family's attempt to pass off worthless rock from the outcrop that isolates Szarkonosvary from civliization as valuable manganese which was necessary in what was then the fledgling Hungarian dry cell industry. We will also bring you the results of the Admou'r's yearly mental exam, during which he enshrined himself in Creedmoor for another year by....administering the Talmudic death penalty of sreyfa (immolation by means of molten lead)to....a life sized rubber duckie!
For now, here is a link to the Admou"r's Creedmoor, real pictures of the abandoned sections of the old hospital where only phantom welfare personalities could possibly reside.
http://kingstonlounge.blogspot.com/2008/03/creedmoor-state-hospital-building-25.html
Monday, September 20, 2010
Creedmoor Will be Back Before Sukkos
BS"D
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".
He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.
In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.
Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.
Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman has awaken from his self induced coma, during which he generated another 30 quintillion multiple personalities, and he is busy spamming welfare departments and insurance companies across the globe to get them "in on the program".
He has also created a new airline, ConAir, based on planes never ordered or purchased by either Continental or United after their merger and with said planes existing only on the insurance rolls, with crashes totalling millions of virtual casualties planned for Chol Hamoed or whenever Creedmoorer gabbai sheini Hymie the Hymish Insurance Adjuster verifies all proper life and liability policies are properly underwritten to benefit the Schmoigerman congregations.
In addition, Schmoigerman's Fund is selling its "12 Day Sukkah Insurance" policies at former kappoores locations throughout Schnooro Park and Munsky as well as in New Joel and Circle on the Square. Maaser of 125% of the insured amount is paid to the Schmoigerman's Fund 30% Annual Interest Gemach upon successful demolition of a sukkah within 12 days of construction and the policy costs $50 per day via EBT or food-shtempelach or $60 a day in Tzioinish currency.
Rumors that the Admou"r meCreedmoor will hold a chicken in his left hand and a lulav in his right during the Avoidah service on Sukkos will be confirmed when he needs to confirm that he really does belong in Creedmoor to avoid prosecution and get enough Oxycodone to treat 180 quintillion deeply pained souls.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Confirmed: Three Rafts Sunk off Atlantic Coast
BS"D
The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.
The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.
Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.
Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.
The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.
The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.
Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.
Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Creedmoor Celebrates End of Ramadan Tomorrow
BS"D
"On this auspicious day of the end of the holiest month of Ramadan, we, the true Jews who are opposed to Zionism in any fashion and who wish to surrender our bodies, our souls and our property to the forces of the great and glorious Islam, wish our true brothers, the Islamofascist forces, victory over evil and impurity. We join you in looking forward to the great day when every woman and girl will cover herself in a tin foil burqa, and when ignorance and illiteracy, our shared goals, envelop the world once again. On this auspicious occasion, I am making a donation of 100,000 food stamps to build a mosque in the basement of the central outhouse of Creedmoor, for it is said that "my outhouse shall be an outhouse for all people". We welcome our Muslim brethren to a feast this Friday night in place of the celebration of the Zionist New Year, and assure you that all food served is halal and has no trace of the impurity of Zionism or of the Great Satan, for no American currency was spent to purchase the food thanks to our own food stamp printing press. We look forward to greeting our Muslim brethren at this auspicious occasion, and we will also begin construction of the Masjid ul-Outhouse ul-Kabir at this time.
To those who celebrate the New Year of Zionist kefira, we wish a heartfelt Shygetz Aross, but we will still welcome you to our shul at a price of 1000 food stamps per seat."
-Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, First and Foremost in the Worldwide Struggle Against Zionism and Leader of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred and the Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and Alcatraz.
"On this auspicious day of the end of the holiest month of Ramadan, we, the true Jews who are opposed to Zionism in any fashion and who wish to surrender our bodies, our souls and our property to the forces of the great and glorious Islam, wish our true brothers, the Islamofascist forces, victory over evil and impurity. We join you in looking forward to the great day when every woman and girl will cover herself in a tin foil burqa, and when ignorance and illiteracy, our shared goals, envelop the world once again. On this auspicious occasion, I am making a donation of 100,000 food stamps to build a mosque in the basement of the central outhouse of Creedmoor, for it is said that "my outhouse shall be an outhouse for all people". We welcome our Muslim brethren to a feast this Friday night in place of the celebration of the Zionist New Year, and assure you that all food served is halal and has no trace of the impurity of Zionism or of the Great Satan, for no American currency was spent to purchase the food thanks to our own food stamp printing press. We look forward to greeting our Muslim brethren at this auspicious occasion, and we will also begin construction of the Masjid ul-Outhouse ul-Kabir at this time.
To those who celebrate the New Year of Zionist kefira, we wish a heartfelt Shygetz Aross, but we will still welcome you to our shul at a price of 1000 food stamps per seat."
-Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, First and Foremost in the Worldwide Struggle Against Zionism and Leader of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred and the Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and Alcatraz.
Monday, September 07, 2009
The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20
BS"D
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.
Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:
Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.
Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.
Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).
More coming on Elul 20..
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
The Petek and the Nigun - A Revelation from the Admou"r
BS"D
Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:
"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:
'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.
I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."
And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":
Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.
Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.
Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:
"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:
'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.
I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."
And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":
Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh
Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)
The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.
Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Solomon Drek gets his due from the Admou"r
BS"D
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor
BS"D
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Cohen: My segeela got Mahmoud the election
BS"D
Interviewed in his Manchester congregation "Khal Uber u'Botul", Rabbi Aharon Cohen, Ambassador to Iran on behalf of the Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Extreme anti-Zionism of Creedmoor, revealed his secret segeela which he claims was the reason for the success of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the recent Iranian elections:
"I give to Mahmoud zeyr spetzial a segeela! I mach far em tefillin mit der verses fin der Koran inside. From where I am gettink dem? Fin myne chaver Mohammed's a cab, he keeps dem on hiz deshboard for good luck. I see what Mohammed is managink to charge me triple for a short ride fin myne home to myne basement every day and it must be a gitte segile!"
Cohen is forced to take a cab from his own home to his own basement (accessible only from the rear entrance) due to his increasing age, long since encroached senility, and his fear of being bombarded with a quantity of eggs sufficient to feed the entire Royal Navy.
His faithful driver, Mohammed, is a native of Baluchistan and a member of "British Friends of the Taliban".
Interviewed in his Manchester congregation "Khal Uber u'Botul", Rabbi Aharon Cohen, Ambassador to Iran on behalf of the Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Extreme anti-Zionism of Creedmoor, revealed his secret segeela which he claims was the reason for the success of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the recent Iranian elections:
"I give to Mahmoud zeyr spetzial a segeela! I mach far em tefillin mit der verses fin der Koran inside. From where I am gettink dem? Fin myne chaver Mohammed's a cab, he keeps dem on hiz deshboard for good luck. I see what Mohammed is managink to charge me triple for a short ride fin myne home to myne basement every day and it must be a gitte segile!"
Cohen is forced to take a cab from his own home to his own basement (accessible only from the rear entrance) due to his increasing age, long since encroached senility, and his fear of being bombarded with a quantity of eggs sufficient to feed the entire Royal Navy.
His faithful driver, Mohammed, is a native of Baluchistan and a member of "British Friends of the Taliban".
Sunday, April 19, 2009
"The Cashorcharger Rebbe": Schmoigerman aged 12-14
BS"D
We received this letter from Rabbi Y.L.G, who was Dovid Schmoigerman's teacher in yeshiva ktana (translated from Yiddish):
"Thank you for your constant updates about my most memorable talmid, Dovid Schmoigerman. He was 12 when I had the distinct displeasure of having to teach him basic Mishna and Chumash as well as basic semi-human midois.
You would probably be thrilled to know that Dovid began his career as an admou"r when he was in my class. He came to yeshiva every day wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel 3 sizes too big for him, and at lunch he would terrorize younger talmidim into giving him their lunches and snacks so that he could sell them back to his victims at 5 times the price paid. If he did not receive the money, he would harass the parents and tell them that their son was affected by some klala or another and that paying him $50 would be the best way to make sure their sons were not thrown out of yeshiva for having this klala.
He would then ask for another $150 for a brocho, and at the end of the transaction, to which some scared parents actually did agree, he would ask "kesh or charge". (Apparently he had a deal with a local shop to allow him to get cash in exchange for credit card numbers which the shop would bill and then abuse. Schmoigerman received up to 40% of the take from the abuse of the numbers as well).
Thus, he became known as the Cashorcharger Rebbe.
Little did his Chassidim know that their Rebbe was 12 years old and wore high heeled women's shoes, hidden by his overly long bekeshe, in order to look as if he was of adult size and height.
From what I remember the scam lasted until he was 14 or so and discovered such pleasures as used jewelry swindles, sale of stolen merchandise, and the bedrock of his Rebbeschaft today, welfare and Medicaid fraud. He was expelled from yeshiva ktana in any case after about 6 months of his shtick and managed to forge papers showing that he still was a talmid in our yeshiva while he spent most of his days doing his Rebbe shtick."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Yechi Creedmoor Le'oilam Voed! - my first and only serious rant on this blog
BS"D
And it is very different from the ramblings of those who use the depraved depradations of a few real life Creedmoorers to write blogs in which they try to tear apart frum society while living on its fringes and reaping its benefits.
I can understand when a real abuse victim leaves Yiddishkeit and I believe that the tznius patrol types should use every means necessary to punish real abusers, including what is probably incorrectly defined as mesira, rather than directing their violent nature toward those who are struggling with modesty or family purity issues. But for every real abuse victim, there are twenty fakes who decided to leave and then make up an instance of abuse which is either exaggerated or never happened altogether.
I know that I have said many times that I am going to stop because I feel I have run out of material, but I have made a final decision to keep Creedmoor updated as best I can for the foreseeable future.
First of all, I would like to thank my fans, both those who admit to it and the many anonymous visitors from around the world for your support.
However, my reason for remaining is not to please fans; it is because I feel that Creedmoor, as a satire of some very real problems in the community as well as a source for a few good laughs, fulfills a very real need.
On the one hand, the problems exaggerated and satirized in Creedmoor do exist.
There most certainly is abuse of entitlement programs in our communities, and it is time that this stops especially with the present political and economic situation in the US. And there are, unfortunately, a small but loud and egregious minority of so called haimishe Yidden who think that violence and extreme actions are the proper way to respond to those who fall victim to the influence of modern society on our Torah way of life.
But these people represent nothing and no one. As long as Hashem made us with a yetzer horo, these real life Creedmoorers, the Ponzi schemers, the welfare fraudsters who present Medicaid cards and EBT cards while wearing Prada tichlach, the Elchanan Bouzaglos, Elior Chens and Shlomo Helbranses, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, Monsey and London NK etc will exist and cause very real chilul Hashem.
Nevertheless, they and their antics are not a reflection on anything and are therefore best dealt with not by airing our dirty laundry out for everyone to see (because no matter what, our dirty laundry is better than their newly dry cleaned Armani suits and Versace dresses), but rather via satire.
Of course I push the envelope a bit, but what I write is really no different from some of Reb Yom Tov Ehrlich's lyrics from his songs that dealt with the encroachment of modern society on our world and how some were falling fast, or from the Gelt song which gave me so many ideas when I got started.
And it is very different from the ramblings of those who use the depraved depradations of a few real life Creedmoorers to write blogs in which they try to tear apart frum society while living on its fringes and reaping its benefits.
Most importantly, it is an answer to the few loud fools, and that is what they are, who use the existence and antics of the Creedmoorers to justify their selfish and ill advised decision to leave Judaism altogether.
Sadly, I know this from experience - I was a victim of someone who is lower than a Creedmoorer in that his criminality does very real damage to Yidden which cannot be ridiculed, and it caused me to leave for far, far too long.
Still, I myself was a direct victim - it is not as if I was busy reading about Shereshevsky, or the convicted warehouse burners of the J clan, or the abuse cases (which I cannot and will not satirize), and used that as an excuse to leave - I left in great sadness and disappointment and regret every moment of it.
I can understand when a real abuse victim leaves Yiddishkeit and I believe that the tznius patrol types should use every means necessary to punish real abusers, including what is probably incorrectly defined as mesira, rather than directing their violent nature toward those who are struggling with modesty or family purity issues. But for every real abuse victim, there are twenty fakes who decided to leave and then make up an instance of abuse which is either exaggerated or never happened altogether.
But the Orthoskeptics (a new online term for grube yunger/maydlach) and the fryouts are just looking to be holier than thou and using the Creedmoorers as ammunition for their own egos and tayvas. Sorry, but lowering of tznius standards and expectations will not put an end to Elchanan Bouzaglo and company, nor is it a proper protest against it. Returning to the lax norms and standards of the 1950's (or as some people mistakenly define it, becoming more "modern") and seeing secular education as a value in itself and a source of moral instruction as opposed to a bedieved means for parnosso is no protection against becoming a Shereshevsky.
Never mind that the writings of the likes of Voltaire and Nietzche which are part and parcel of secular higher education, are no better than Mein Kampf as a moral compass. In fact, some of the worst Wall Street fraudsters have advanced degrees; for every clown of a haimishe arsonist who perhaps causes 20,000$ in damage to an insurance company, there are 20 attorneys, accountants and securities dealers who cause real damage by stealing the hard earned money of victims who look to them for professional advice.
I will not be surprised when an insider trading scandal is uncovered among self defined left wing MO, who bend all halachas when it suits them, claiming so nobly that they are more machmir regarding bein adam lechaveiro when in reality they are machmir only on tefillin dating and on using their law degrees and MBA's to make sure their scams are so complicated they never get caught..until now when in the wake of the Madoff scam the "Feds" are closing in on many suspected financial fraudsters.
As for bein adam lechaveiro - when they land in the hospital (even for childbirth) they are the first ones who rely on the bikur cholim of Satmar whom they ridicule and despise, and when they travel they have no problem eating at a Chabad House as they disturb the shaliach's Shabbos by arguing David Berger's (may he have a refuah shelema) positions with him. They are but one step above the chiloni in EY (who truly knows no better) who gets a wheelchair from Yad Sarah and puts a Dros Kol Dos sticker on the back.
And the worst criminals in the Jewish world are not the goofball arsonists and entitlement program scammers in Otisville. They are secular. Bernard Madoff. Ivan Boesky. Dennis Levine.
Yes, our worst is better than their best.
That is because even though we have a yetzer horo, when it strikes we KNOW we are wrong and we do NOT admire those who are exposed as having fallen victim to the yetzer. (with the exception of dirty money going to tzedoko and buying respect, but often it is not known that the money is dirty until the very end and unless it is known there are issues of LH and MSR involved that are so complex that a top posek must be consulted regarding this).
Of course we should also know to get help before the yetzer leads to a chilul Hashem but sometimes the yetzer is just too strong. One who does not have Torah, or who tries to bend Torah chas vesholom worries only about being caught by the secular authorities or exposed by the community in which he lives because deep down, he does not believe. That is the case be these violations bein adam lamakom or bein adam lechaveiro.
And nowhere does it say that being "frum" means you will not do any aveirois.
In some cases it means that because someone is on a high level, the yetzer hits even harder. If keeping kashrus to the "naki mekol chashash timas haTsionis" level of the Admou"r were a vaccine against welfare fraud, arson, theft or even murder, there would be no dinei mamonois and dinei nefashois in the Torah!! (or, as the Admou"r puts it - Yiddishkeit is nit nor gefilte fish un bagels and lox - s'iz skila, sreyfe, hereg, chenek in karays!)
OK enough is enough! This is not even remotely a serious blog or a place to discuss real issues. And since it is not a democracy either, I will announce right now that any comments defending the fryouts or the Orthoskeptics and their fouled thinking will be relentlessly Creedmoored in posts of their own.
I hope to update Creedmoor at least every Sunday; I still need to finish the Kabbalah of Investing post and to collect all my parody song lyrics and hope to do so this coming Sunday. I also need to see which posts I left unfinished and write the part 2's or part 3's of those that are worth finishing and I may clean the blog of those that can't be finished for whatever reason.
I will probably wait until I have access to a recording studio to do any serious audio but if anyone wants a teaser audio of "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona", the EY/Sefardi version of the Admou"r meCreedmoor please contact me via my profile. Of course it will cost you 750 food shtempelach and a square meter of spiked kokosh cake but hey, it will probably become a collector's item...
In the meantime, see the next post for the latest psak of the Admou"r, just in time to make your Shabbos shopping a bit cheaper if more complicated ... again I promise NO MORE serious posts or rants here!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Weekly Questionnaire from Cheder Pesha ve'Resha
BS"D
Like most schools, Creedmoor's flagship chyder sends a weekly questionnaire to parents of its fortunate students. Here is an example of same, in the original Hymish:
Name_____________
Names vus is registered mit dem welfare (please to use as much space from which you need):
_____________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________
How many times is your son this week making fights with his brider in shvester?_________
How many times is usink your kid bad language tzi redn about der Tzioinim or anyone else from which not is agreeing Chassidis Creedmoor?____________
How many times your yingle has lifted from shops this week?____________
Your yingle has maybe done his part far "Mivtza Break Your Neighbor's Fenster, Bike, Arm or Leg if He Doesn't Dress or Daven Exactly as You Do?" Please tell what has he done!_____________________
When the social worker is gekimen in shteeb, how many brother and sister is telling her your yingle is havink? Is it more or less than what you shrabt on the welfare?__________
Your yingle has burnt something down this week? Yoh___ Nyne___
Is your yingle learnink bed words in Spenish and Aynglish so he ken start fights with the shkootzim? Please not to be afraid to write from what werds he lernt.____________
Did your yingle have a food fight at the last chassune, bar mitzvah, vort or Section 8 approval party he is attending?__________
How many times your yingle is burning the Tzioinish flag? Far grades 1-2 has he done it this week in a warehouse near the gas?_______
Did your yingle manage to koif a bicycle oder an mp3 player mit foodshtemps or did he just steal one?_________
Please to be dishonest in usual Creedmoor feshion; is gekimen a prize (a yichid mitt'n Rebb'n) for the kid who is havink the best answers yeder voch for the next 2 chodoshim.
Like most schools, Creedmoor's flagship chyder sends a weekly questionnaire to parents of its fortunate students. Here is an example of same, in the original Hymish:
Name_____________
Names vus is registered mit dem welfare (please to use as much space from which you need):
_____________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________
How many times is your son this week making fights with his brider in shvester?_________
How many times is usink your kid bad language tzi redn about der Tzioinim or anyone else from which not is agreeing Chassidis Creedmoor?____________
How many times your yingle has lifted from shops this week?____________
Your yingle has maybe done his part far "Mivtza Break Your Neighbor's Fenster, Bike, Arm or Leg if He Doesn't Dress or Daven Exactly as You Do?" Please tell what has he done!_____________________
When the social worker is gekimen in shteeb, how many brother and sister is telling her your yingle is havink? Is it more or less than what you shrabt on the welfare?__________
Your yingle has burnt something down this week? Yoh___ Nyne___
Is your yingle learnink bed words in Spenish and Aynglish so he ken start fights with the shkootzim? Please not to be afraid to write from what werds he lernt.____________
Did your yingle have a food fight at the last chassune, bar mitzvah, vort or Section 8 approval party he is attending?__________
How many times your yingle is burning the Tzioinish flag? Far grades 1-2 has he done it this week in a warehouse near the gas?_______
Did your yingle manage to koif a bicycle oder an mp3 player mit foodshtemps or did he just steal one?_________
Please to be dishonest in usual Creedmoor feshion; is gekimen a prize (a yichid mitt'n Rebb'n) for the kid who is havink the best answers yeder voch for the next 2 chodoshim.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Schmoigerman "Insurance Fraud Marathon" Dwarfs Madoff
BS"D
(Compiled from reports from BSP, Baabamaases Press Agency, Hantariche International and just stam shtussim):
While the financial world still reels from the damage done by disgraced Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff, our reporters have uncovered yet another scheme perpetrated by the perennial fraudster and self proclaimed Chassidic rebbe (and self-committed psychiatric patient), "Rabbi" David Schmoigerman.
The Schmoigerman "insurance fraud marathon", as investigators have termed it, consists of submitting falsified fire marshal reports for properties that do not seem to appear on any map or title search. With sums reaching into the quadrillions of dollars, the latest Schmoigerman scheme is on a far grander scale than that of Madoff - and the difference is that as a sovereign ruler of a strategic ally in the EU's struggle against Zionist domination, Schmoigerman can never be prosecuted in the EU. As far as the US is concerned, Schmoigerman is considered a permanently insane psychiatric patient who has been committed to a secure facility, which renders him immune from US prosecution as well.
In short, Rabbi David Schmoigerman is untouchable, despite even the unparalleled audacity of his most recent attempt to obtain immense sums of money through yet another series of fraudulent insurance transactions.
"There is no 3658 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn or 9874 Broadway in Manhattan! And there is no such street as 654th Road in ANY of the five boroughs!" stated an exasperated fire marshal who was asked by Schmoigerman to certify that 50, 56, and 97 story buildings located at each address respectively had met their demise in electrical fires.
Since no fire inspector would risk certifying any Schmoigerman building, the eternal schemer simply established a "Ministry of Fire and Flood Damage" of his rump "Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Other Unpleasant Happenings" and had his newly appointed "Minister", a psychiatrist named Bakri Patel (who is not listed as a licenced physician in New York State where he supposedly practices, leading investigators to suspect he is an illiterate goat farmer in a village in Gujarat, India where Schmoigerman has several phantom properties) certify the buildings as property of the independent entity that had indeed been damaged beyond repair.
Even more alarming is that some of the buildings are supposedly located in foreign countries and insured by underwriters that are not registered at any known location or properly licenced in any jurisdiction.
For instance, Rabbi Schmoigerman has claimed severe flood and mold damage at a building located on 65 bis Rue du Gros Choulentfresseur in Brussels, Belgium. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of Yiddish can recognize that such an address is a poorly conceived Frenchified version of a Yiddish phrase meaning a large or uncouth man who overindulges in a common Jewish Sabbath dish. But more frightening is that the building is insured by "Avadeh Insurance Group." Such an insurance firm is not registered anywhere, even offshore or as a syndicate. Other Schmoigerman insurors include "Welfareman's Fund," "State Pen Insurance," and "Allestzudrayt," with the largest exposure apparently placed on phantom firm "Assicurazioni Geneivetto SpA," registered at a toxic waste dumping ground in the Italian town of Reggio da Camorra.
It is apparent that Rabbi Schmoigerman has concocted a scheme whereby he claims damage to property, and then claims his insurance company has gone bankrupt or has misrepresented itself. In such a situation, he would be entitled to government and/or European Union compensation for lax regulations and/or regulator incompetence that has allowed these unlicenced insurers to collect years of premiums. Undoubtedly, the beloved Rabbi has forged receipts going back at least 20 years for each phantom property and insurer.
And who will pay for the Schmoigerman depredations?
We would normally say you, the taxpayer, but we suspect that Schmoigerman's fraud is on such a large level that trillions of dollars and Euros will have to be printed just to reimburse the self-appointed rabbi, whose claim of independence for his settlement of 90 quintillion rapidly reproducing and generously subsidized souls on the grounds of an abandoned psychiatric hospital is recognized by the EU, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.
The question is - who will print the necessary currency?
Schmoigerman's avarice knows no bounds, and if he is unable to obtain reparations from government bodies, he will clearly print dollars and euros himself, and as a sovereign of a sovereign nation, he is immune from prosecution.
However, in the past, Schmoigerman currency has either been issued under the name "fudshtemp" or has been printed in denominations such as 700 Euro and 895 dollar notes.
Therefore, it seems that this scam, which could not possibly net Schmoigerman any profit, is in reality a ploy to ensure that he remains a legally committed psychiatric patient and therefore exempt from prosecution for his myriad welfare and social benefits scams throughout the world.
It is time to make Schmoigerman understand that only the government can steal taxpayer money, and that those who compete with it must be subject to the ultimate penalty - community service in which they reveal and explain their tactics so as to instruct the governments of the world as to how to more efficiently steal from hard working citizens.
(Compiled from reports from BSP, Baabamaases Press Agency, Hantariche International and just stam shtussim):
While the financial world still reels from the damage done by disgraced Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff, our reporters have uncovered yet another scheme perpetrated by the perennial fraudster and self proclaimed Chassidic rebbe (and self-committed psychiatric patient), "Rabbi" David Schmoigerman.
The Schmoigerman "insurance fraud marathon", as investigators have termed it, consists of submitting falsified fire marshal reports for properties that do not seem to appear on any map or title search. With sums reaching into the quadrillions of dollars, the latest Schmoigerman scheme is on a far grander scale than that of Madoff - and the difference is that as a sovereign ruler of a strategic ally in the EU's struggle against Zionist domination, Schmoigerman can never be prosecuted in the EU. As far as the US is concerned, Schmoigerman is considered a permanently insane psychiatric patient who has been committed to a secure facility, which renders him immune from US prosecution as well.
In short, Rabbi David Schmoigerman is untouchable, despite even the unparalleled audacity of his most recent attempt to obtain immense sums of money through yet another series of fraudulent insurance transactions.
"There is no 3658 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn or 9874 Broadway in Manhattan! And there is no such street as 654th Road in ANY of the five boroughs!" stated an exasperated fire marshal who was asked by Schmoigerman to certify that 50, 56, and 97 story buildings located at each address respectively had met their demise in electrical fires.
Since no fire inspector would risk certifying any Schmoigerman building, the eternal schemer simply established a "Ministry of Fire and Flood Damage" of his rump "Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Other Unpleasant Happenings" and had his newly appointed "Minister", a psychiatrist named Bakri Patel (who is not listed as a licenced physician in New York State where he supposedly practices, leading investigators to suspect he is an illiterate goat farmer in a village in Gujarat, India where Schmoigerman has several phantom properties) certify the buildings as property of the independent entity that had indeed been damaged beyond repair.
Even more alarming is that some of the buildings are supposedly located in foreign countries and insured by underwriters that are not registered at any known location or properly licenced in any jurisdiction.
For instance, Rabbi Schmoigerman has claimed severe flood and mold damage at a building located on 65 bis Rue du Gros Choulentfresseur in Brussels, Belgium. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of Yiddish can recognize that such an address is a poorly conceived Frenchified version of a Yiddish phrase meaning a large or uncouth man who overindulges in a common Jewish Sabbath dish. But more frightening is that the building is insured by "Avadeh Insurance Group." Such an insurance firm is not registered anywhere, even offshore or as a syndicate. Other Schmoigerman insurors include "Welfareman's Fund," "State Pen Insurance," and "Allestzudrayt," with the largest exposure apparently placed on phantom firm "Assicurazioni Geneivetto SpA," registered at a toxic waste dumping ground in the Italian town of Reggio da Camorra.
It is apparent that Rabbi Schmoigerman has concocted a scheme whereby he claims damage to property, and then claims his insurance company has gone bankrupt or has misrepresented itself. In such a situation, he would be entitled to government and/or European Union compensation for lax regulations and/or regulator incompetence that has allowed these unlicenced insurers to collect years of premiums. Undoubtedly, the beloved Rabbi has forged receipts going back at least 20 years for each phantom property and insurer.
And who will pay for the Schmoigerman depredations?
We would normally say you, the taxpayer, but we suspect that Schmoigerman's fraud is on such a large level that trillions of dollars and Euros will have to be printed just to reimburse the self-appointed rabbi, whose claim of independence for his settlement of 90 quintillion rapidly reproducing and generously subsidized souls on the grounds of an abandoned psychiatric hospital is recognized by the EU, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Turkmenistan, and Saudi Arabia.
The question is - who will print the necessary currency?
Schmoigerman's avarice knows no bounds, and if he is unable to obtain reparations from government bodies, he will clearly print dollars and euros himself, and as a sovereign of a sovereign nation, he is immune from prosecution.
However, in the past, Schmoigerman currency has either been issued under the name "fudshtemp" or has been printed in denominations such as 700 Euro and 895 dollar notes.
Therefore, it seems that this scam, which could not possibly net Schmoigerman any profit, is in reality a ploy to ensure that he remains a legally committed psychiatric patient and therefore exempt from prosecution for his myriad welfare and social benefits scams throughout the world.
It is time to make Schmoigerman understand that only the government can steal taxpayer money, and that those who compete with it must be subject to the ultimate penalty - community service in which they reveal and explain their tactics so as to instruct the governments of the world as to how to more efficiently steal from hard working citizens.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Purim ain't over yet...
BS"D
Coming Soon...
1) The Kabbalah of Investment (Scams) - starting with the 10 sefiros al pi Kabbalas Creedmoor...
(posted - see above!)[2) Investigative Report: 99% of properties subject to insurance claims by self-proclaimed Chassidic rebbe cannot be located on standard maps....suspected fraud dwarfs that of Madoff..]
3) Lama, ma, ma, ma, nikra Creedmooriah...Creedmoor poems and song lyrics.
Coming Soon...
1) The Kabbalah of Investment (Scams) - starting with the 10 sefiros al pi Kabbalas Creedmoor...
(posted - see above!)[2) Investigative Report: 99% of properties subject to insurance claims by self-proclaimed Chassidic rebbe cannot be located on standard maps....suspected fraud dwarfs that of Madoff..]
3) Lama, ma, ma, ma, nikra Creedmooriah...Creedmoor poems and song lyrics.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Der Admou"r Claims Reparations for Victims of Attila the Hun!
BS"D
Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...
"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."
Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.
"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."
When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:
"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"
Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...
"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"
The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...
"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."
"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."
Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.
As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.
Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.
In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.
Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.
Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.
But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"
In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.
And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."
Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.
When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.
The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.
And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.
Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.
And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!
Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...
"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."
Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.
"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."
When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:
"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"
Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...
"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"
The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...
"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."
"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."
Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.
As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.
Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.
In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.
Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.
Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.
But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"
In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.
And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."
Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.
When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.
The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.
And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.
Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.
And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!
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