BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor - From Feigning Insanity to Feigning Divinity
The greatest fraudster of the millenium's latest step in his victorious struggle to avoid prosecution.
A Zionist New Year's Editorial from Der Vochediger Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke
While we at the VVBP tend to support the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his perennial struggles against the twin evils of Zionism and working for an honest living, we now wonder how it is that a supposed manhig beAzazel manages to declare himself an object of worship.
We are aware that among the Admou"r's 150 quintillion followers, there are a handful of Elokists who believe that he is indeed lehavdil kavyachol, or at least the midas ha-din, bedecked in a tin foil shtreimel and an orange garbage bag. Needless to say, there is a very good reason that these neshomos are receiving SSI and interred in a padded cell, even if it is the Admou"r Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman who is receiving those payments and charging rent for that cell.
Yet, this is the first time that Schmoigerman has declared that he indeed welcomes being worshipped as some sort of deity, perhaps a modern-day Moloch or Baal Peor. Even for us, this is simply going too far, as we are proud kanoim who believe only in the destruction of the Great Soton of America through multiple acts of federal entitlement program fraud, and of the Minor Satan of the medine through burning garbage cans, flags and everything else that can kindle major insurance conflagrations and explosions.
However, we are not ready to abandon our brave Admou"r in what may be his darkest hour.
Apparently, he is in no way proclaiming himself a getschke because he really believes in his own divinity or anything else other than his own vulgarity. Instead, it has become clear that this is simply the next stage in his quest to fully insulate himself from prosecution by the United States Government, in the horrible instance that the White House should return to its former whiteness after the 2012 elections.
It is expected that the first agenda of a non Affirmative Action president would be to root out massive federal entitlement program fraud, and perhaps even to boycott institutions which recognize the independence of the Independent Anti-Zionist Dictatorial Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Additional Ill Occurences (Malchis Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin). This would mean that the Admou"r can be duly prosecuted and eventually jailed or at the very least forced to flee to Iran (where his presence could serve as a pretense for bombing the Pistachio-Islamic Republic to shards). So, the Admou"r rightfully fears that his present status of interminate criminal insanity combined with recognition as a leader of an independent republic is not enough to guarantee him immunity.
Therefore, his call to return to the ways of Terach and indeed to worship likenesses of none other than his august, september, october and november self, is but another affirmation of his utter and incurable insanity. His rabbinical ordination has finally been validated after the final count of cereal box tops and milk cartons that were sent to the proper PO box, so that he cannot deny he remains a rabbi. On the other hand, he has now declared himself an idol, which makes it clear to only the most biased observer that he is indeed clinically insane and therefore should remain immune from prosecution so long as he claims Creedmoor as his primary residence and the residence of his 150 quintillion Chassidim.
D-ward has been granted to him in perpetuity and it is the only piece of property that he owns and has not burned to a crisp. Hence, it is clear that our revered and reviled Admou"r is in Creedmoor to stay and therefore need not fear jail now that he has proclaimed himself a getschke thereby showing his total, complete and utter feigned insanity once and for all.
We end by saluting the Admou"r's decision to get a piece of the market for New Age objects of worship and neo-Kabbalah charms by selling likenesses of himself. Indeed, we applaud his utter lack of respect for the Zionist tractate of Choshen Mishpat in that he declares outright that he has exaggerated the amount of precious metal in each silver or gold idol.
In fact, we at the VVBP have found that most of the Schmoigerman statues sold in "Uncle Terach's Alter Heim Getschke Gescheft" are made of recycled shtreimel grade tin foil and duly marked as silver or gold depending on whether or not they are spraypainted gold.
NB: Uncle Terach's is among our advertisers and is distinguished by having the oldest accounts payable, only because our bank refuses to cash food stamps issued by the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor and our newsprint and ink suppliers do not accept food stamps as payment. Otherwise, Uncle Terach's and its predecessor Megadreck Mehadrin, as well as its affiliated "Biyur haBinyan" enterprises would actually be running a positive balance of 100,000,000 Schmoigerman food stamps.
Showing posts with label food stamp fraud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food stamp fraud. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Emergency Psak from the Admou"r - Listening to the 10 Commandments
BS"D
As we do not believe in the Tzionish commandment of Loi Signoiv, we instruct all of our followers who limp in the flickering light of the burned out one watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor to stamp their feet and shout "Shygetz Aross" should they find themselves in a Tzioinish minyan where all 10 commandments are recited. And those who do this during Loi Sachmoid as well are especially worthy of praise and an extra piece of "Schmoigerman's Cholov Yisroel Parve Lard Cheesecake".
Should said cheesecake not be available at your Tzioini synagogue kiddush, I refer you to my prior psak regarding the permissibility of transacting business with US currency on Yom Tov, as it is considered tumas hatzioinis. Therefore, said cheesecake can be purchased on Yom Tov d'Tzioinim but with currency only and not with food stamps which indeed are legal tender according to the Darchei Shoid v'Gezel.
Regarding the use of counterfeit versus legitimate food stamps to make purchases on Tzioinish Yomim Toivim, it is remarkable that the sons and daughters, real as well as those existing only for purpose of receiving subsidies, of this weak and damaged generation in its Zionist induced darkness and prevailing ignorance do not understand that all Creedmoorer food stamps are counterfeit so that there is a severe problem of maris ayin regarding purchases made with legitimate food stamps which indeed are negiim betumas hatzioinis.
The ideal situation would be to make purchases using counterfeit US currency so long as there is no risk of detection.
Signed this day of 56789 Av 5708, in the 61st year of mourning of the Naqba.
-Dovid Schmoigerman, av arba misois beis din veavi avois hatuma d'Perud Kehillois Creedmoor, Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Teheran.
As we do not believe in the Tzionish commandment of Loi Signoiv, we instruct all of our followers who limp in the flickering light of the burned out one watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor to stamp their feet and shout "Shygetz Aross" should they find themselves in a Tzioinish minyan where all 10 commandments are recited. And those who do this during Loi Sachmoid as well are especially worthy of praise and an extra piece of "Schmoigerman's Cholov Yisroel Parve Lard Cheesecake".
Should said cheesecake not be available at your Tzioini synagogue kiddush, I refer you to my prior psak regarding the permissibility of transacting business with US currency on Yom Tov, as it is considered tumas hatzioinis. Therefore, said cheesecake can be purchased on Yom Tov d'Tzioinim but with currency only and not with food stamps which indeed are legal tender according to the Darchei Shoid v'Gezel.
Regarding the use of counterfeit versus legitimate food stamps to make purchases on Tzioinish Yomim Toivim, it is remarkable that the sons and daughters, real as well as those existing only for purpose of receiving subsidies, of this weak and damaged generation in its Zionist induced darkness and prevailing ignorance do not understand that all Creedmoorer food stamps are counterfeit so that there is a severe problem of maris ayin regarding purchases made with legitimate food stamps which indeed are negiim betumas hatzioinis.
The ideal situation would be to make purchases using counterfeit US currency so long as there is no risk of detection.
Signed this day of 56789 Av 5708, in the 61st year of mourning of the Naqba.
-Dovid Schmoigerman, av arba misois beis din veavi avois hatuma d'Perud Kehillois Creedmoor, Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Teheran.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Creedmoorer Leader Sets Exchange Rate for Food Stamp
BS"D
Schmoigerman adjudicated the dispute by referring to his famed work of Jewish law "Sur MeYoisher" in which he had set the exchange rate of the food stamp to equal the price of three square inches of kokosh cake, a common food item that is not covered by the food stamp program.
Since the price for a three square inch piece of kokosh cake varies from 65 cents to $1.50, Rabbi Schmoigerman instead set an exchange rate of 85 cents to the food stamp with the stipulation that he receive 10 cents on each food stamp as a fee for deciding the case.
The feuding cousins agreed to this rate and accepted upon themselves the task of collecting the 10 cent commission from all participating merchants.
So far, 100 leading retailers in Williamsburgh, Boro Park, Monsey and Monroe have joined the program.
A coalition of retailers which accept the US Food Stamp as legal tender for the purchase of items that are excluded from the Food Stamp program has asked a controversial Queens rabbi to set a unified food stamp exchange rate.
Gimpel Grosz, proprietor of "Eeew, It's Grosz" Hardware and Furnishings, who accepts food stamps for "alle zachen" at varying rates, and his cousin Shmilu Fekete, whose "Fekete Hymish Bakery" sells mostly prepared goods that are not covered by the program, approached the rabbi, David Schmoigerman, after an argument as to whether a food stamp is worth seventy-five cents or eighty cents.
Schmoigerman adjudicated the dispute by referring to his famed work of Jewish law "Sur MeYoisher" in which he had set the exchange rate of the food stamp to equal the price of three square inches of kokosh cake, a common food item that is not covered by the food stamp program.
Since the price for a three square inch piece of kokosh cake varies from 65 cents to $1.50, Rabbi Schmoigerman instead set an exchange rate of 85 cents to the food stamp with the stipulation that he receive 10 cents on each food stamp as a fee for deciding the case.
The feuding cousins agreed to this rate and accepted upon themselves the task of collecting the 10 cent commission from all participating merchants.
Said merchants will display a "Gezel Plimbe", a seal stating that they operate in flagrant violation of US government laws regarding the food stamp program.
The "gezel plimbe" is meant to frighten inspectors into believing that any attempt at enforcing those laws will be met with a "Chaptzem! Shygetz Aross! Shecht'em in a brooche" response from all participating merchants once a signal is sent out that an inspector has entered a participatings store.
So far, 100 leading retailers in Williamsburgh, Boro Park, Monsey and Monroe have joined the program.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik
BS"D
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
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