BS"D
Effective as soon as the check cashes, the following product is certified Kasher leMehadrin leGoalei Nefesh and Noki Mekol Chashash Timas haTzioinis by the "KKK" regardless of whether any symbol appears on the boxes:
"Uncle Mahmoud"'s No Hands Rice Casserole, Kholsad-Jendeh Sharia Rice Mills, Shiraz, Iran.
No Hands Rice Casserole (horesht-i-khosdeh) mixes are easy to use even when recovering from a second or third sharia amputation. We at KKK Kashrus are pleased to welcome our first product and its most reliable manufacturer, Sharia Judge "Chainsaw Mohammad" Ahmadzadeh.
Showing posts with label kashrus fraud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kashrus fraud. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel
BS"D
While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).
"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...
And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.
Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?
And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./
Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!
At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..
While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).
"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...
And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.
Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?
And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./
Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!
At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Admou"r Opens New Pluto Based Kashrus Agency
BS"D
The letter K means kosher. The letters KKK mean triple kosher. So explains the creator of the latest in ultra-mehadrin kosher symbols, the one and only Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who announced the opening of his new kashrus agency during his Motzoei Shabbos tish on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.
The KKK symbol is bound to be controversial, as its entire modus operandi is very questionable even by rather lax Schmoigerman standards. Firms which do not wish to accept the certification are approached by anywhere from three to ten of the volunteers who comprise the famed Bulvanim community patrol.....
More coming soon!
The letter K means kosher. The letters KKK mean triple kosher. So explains the creator of the latest in ultra-mehadrin kosher symbols, the one and only Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who announced the opening of his new kashrus agency during his Motzoei Shabbos tish on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.
The KKK symbol is bound to be controversial, as its entire modus operandi is very questionable even by rather lax Schmoigerman standards. Firms which do not wish to accept the certification are approached by anywhere from three to ten of the volunteers who comprise the famed Bulvanim community patrol.....
More coming soon!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Emergency Kashrus Psak and New Calendar System from Der Admou"r
BS"D
* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.
"It is totally, utterly and very strictly forbidden to walk in the ways of the goyim and the Tzioinim in any way, shape or form! Work and honest business dealings are considered chukas hagoyim al pi tabaat the extinguished and unsalted writings of my hyliger ancestors and all other gedoilim who cling to the walls of the kisse hakavoid and can be removed only through heavy scrubbing and brushing.
Therefore, I hereby proclaim that any food product, even those which are certified 'naki mekoil chashas timas haTzioinis' such as the Saudi Arabian petroleum kishke and Malaysian rubber cholent potatoes sold under our affiliated brand name Maachal Ben Drusoy, is considered tryfe and nevyle when purchased for cash earned according to legal means as defined by the justice system and society of the Tzioinim or the Tzioinish and Tumadige Republic of Americhke or its Canadian satellite.
As of today 5539 Av 5708*/641 Ramadan 1329, even our chain of Bais Chaval tourist centers which welcome tourists in the manner of Sdoim of old are instructed not to serve any food for Tuesday Shabbos dinners and Thursday cholent lunches if this food must be obtained with cash which is earned through any means other than scamming, and we once again remind the shluchim of Beis Chaval that they must uphold the standards of Creedmoor in every way no matter how far they are located from Byse Chayosynee and what planetary system governs the jurisdiction in which they are located.
I instruct those who walk in the remaining half watt of Chassidis Creedmor ve'shaar marin bishin to eat only that which is known to have been purchased with fraudulent welfare benefits, even if it means foregoing those Creedmoorer products which are available in remote communities where one risks confiscation of forged welfare benefits and similar instruments of trade which are among those accepted under this edict, and those who are machmir to purchase all foodstuffs with counterfeit currency are especially praiseworthy (ubaal goial nefesh yachmir)!"
* In addition, as of today we count the date from the establishment of the Tzioinish medina which is redefined as 9 Av 5708, and since there can be no simcha after the establishment of the medine there is no month other than Av in the Naye Creedmoorer Luach. In addition out of respect for our Islamic brethren in the cause of destroying the Tzioinish entity it is praiseworthy to use a date in Ramadan as well.
We must rely on the same hallowed and arbitrary means of calculating the exact day as we use when calculating the amount of welfare benefits accruing to each personality al pi the sefer Kaballah "Azazel HaMalach" of the Admou"r haKoidesh of Leavenworth ZYL"A, so that it matters little what day in Av it is, only that all dates have four digits or more in Av 5708 when the sun stopped shining over Tel Baruch and the land stopped giving its bounty..............
-Admou'r Dovid Schmoigerman, Great Light of the Nation Allied in Deceit and Gross Theft (Ha'am misyacheid bemirma vegezel), Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Community of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor and All Branches Thereof Throughout All Galaxies In Which Welfare and Disabilty Benefits Are Granted and Where Fire Insurance Policies May Be Issued.
Signed this day of 898676 Av 5708/3245 Ramadan 1409.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
EMERGENCY KASHRUS ALERT - Kapoyer's Chelmisher Bagel Holez
BS"D
The product appears with a woefully unauthorized and counterfeit hechsher from "K'hal Anshei Gezel ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor". It is well known that our hyliger community is called "K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirmo d'Creedmoor" on all of the hyliger and exalted tax exemption and Federal funds documents which we have filed with the Zionist government and that there is no such entity as the one mentioned on said hechsher. In addition, the name of the kashrus certifier is given as "Dayan Groinem Dreckgeschefter". Dayan Dreckgeschefter zechusoi yogayn lo alynee is no longer alive, having passed away when his welfare and disability status was audited over three years ago. Finally, we do not certify bagel holes as that is a rather puny and unoriginal scam even if the manufacturer or distributor is attempting to have this product sold for food stamps.
It has come to our attention that there has been a grave misuse of our © kashrus symbol by "Chelmisher Bakerei" of 1339 13th Avenue in Schnodderingham Park, Brooklyn, Zionist Occupied USA.
The product appears with a woefully unauthorized and counterfeit hechsher from "K'hal Anshei Gezel ve'Mirma d'Creedmoor". It is well known that our hyliger community is called "K'hal Anshei Domim ve'Mirmo d'Creedmoor" on all of the hyliger and exalted tax exemption and Federal funds documents which we have filed with the Zionist government and that there is no such entity as the one mentioned on said hechsher. In addition, the name of the kashrus certifier is given as "Dayan Groinem Dreckgeschefter". Dayan Dreckgeschefter zechusoi yogayn lo alynee is no longer alive, having passed away when his welfare and disability status was audited over three years ago. Finally, we do not certify bagel holes as that is a rather puny and unoriginal scam even if the manufacturer or distributor is attempting to have this product sold for food stamps.
Therefore, with the threat of "skila, sreyfa hereg vechenek beoilam haze vetzoiah roitachas le'oilam haba" we are asking the Chelmisher Bakerei to cease and desist from selling any products with any certification signs mentioning the word Creedmoor.
-In the exalted name and holiest of ghosts of the Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of the Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor:
Dayan Shelumiel - Koirach Schmatteschlepper, Av Beis Din and Av Beis HaSkila d'Kehillas Koidesh Creedmoor, may Hashem spare it His well deserved wrath
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik
BS"D
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
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