BS"D
Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...
"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."
Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.
"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."
When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:
"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"
Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...
"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"
The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...
"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."
"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."
Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.
As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.
Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.
In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.
Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.
Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.
But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"
In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.
And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."
Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.
When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.
The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.
And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.
Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.
And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!
Showing posts with label purim is on the way. Show all posts
Showing posts with label purim is on the way. Show all posts
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - Shiur by the Admou"r meCreedmoor
BS"D
As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.
This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.
We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:
1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:
Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:
33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.
33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.
45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.
Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).
So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?
2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:
In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.
For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.
I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).
And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.
For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.
So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.
3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:
A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!
With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?
a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).
b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.
c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.
d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.
The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.
As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.
This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.
We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:
1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:
Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:
33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.
33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.
45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.
Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).
So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?
2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:
In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.
For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.
I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).
And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.
For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.
So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.
3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:
A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!
With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?
a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).
b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.
c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.
d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.
The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Here's What's Coming Up! Mishenichnas Adar Marbim beCreedmoor!
BS"D
So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:
So far:
1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!
From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........
2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...
Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.
So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:
So far:
1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!
From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........
2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...
Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.
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