Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene

BS"D Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene. Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes. Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims. The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend. We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.

Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!

BS"D

The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!

Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne

A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.

Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....

Coming on Friday...The Kingdom of Toracinia

BS"D

Forget Don Quixote del Toboso, or is it Dulcinea del Toboso. Meet El Rey de los Reyes Melech Malchei Hamelachim Vital Haim de Menubal de Toracinia....

"He found exactly what he was looking for when, thrown out of his house yet again by his mother in law, he went off for a long ride on his purloined steed Hamor, reaching a rocky outcrop claimed by no one and inhabited only by a flock of birds. This outcrop and the surrounding few hectares would become the Kingdom of Toracinia, consisting only of a palace and a mint which produced coinage bearing the emblem of the de Menubal de Toracinia dynasty......a squirrel feeding on acorns and the infamous "pan de kokosh", as the vile and deplorable de Menubal stock in bakery trade was now called..."

"Knowing that he risked execution for his many financial shenanigans and sale of adulterated foodstuffs, he often feigned insanity in public. de Menubal claimed he moved his family to the foreboding rocky lands in order to harvest the famous flora de Toracinia that was known to help in cases of extreme madness.............."

Sneak Preview and Please Introduce Yourselves

BS"D

Just to let everyone know, this Motzoei Shabbos we will be bringing you a report, live, from the Creedmoorer Shtibl on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet, where the Admou"r will be fiering tish and kishing tush for the first time since he opened the shtibl in....yes, 5779 (we will explain this as part of our exclusive report as well, so don't worry, we do know what year this is even if the Admou"r doesn't). The Admou"r will finally even explain why it is that Pluto is no longer a planet, and you will be very surprised to learn the real reason behind this cosmic decison.

Also, could inzere hyliger visitors please use the comments feature on this post to introduce yourselves? I'd be interested to see where you are coming from and what you think of what I realized is actually one of the longest, if not THE longest, running Jewish humor blogs in cyberspace.

A groysen dank,

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher MD (Morally Defunct) for himself and for the late Rabbi Gedalia Dreckschreiber, Esq, Former Renowned Legal Malpractice Specialist, now "Deceased for Welfare and Insurance Purposes" and residing happily in the basement of the Ku Klutz Karta Masjid on Saddle River Road with his equally malfunctioning friends Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (ne Weiss) and Ayatollah Moussa al-Dib Beck.

Breaking Mikve News: Schmoigerman to Receive Nobel Prize for Economics

BS"D

In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.

More tomorrow as details become available.....

New Creedmoor Coming Later This Week

BS"D

I am still awaiting some details from the Admou"r regarding his Yoim Ha'Atzamois burn-up and hope to post more about it tomorrow or Tuesday.

In the meantime I have been busy with my very non Creedmoor site ABillionShouts! Check it out and Shout it Out! 

Purim ain't over yet...

BS"D

Coming Soon...

1) The Kabbalah of Investment (Scams) - starting with the 10 sefiros al pi Kabbalas Creedmoor...

(posted - see above!)[2) Investigative Report: 99% of properties subject to insurance claims by self-proclaimed Chassidic rebbe cannot be located on standard maps....suspected fraud dwarfs that of Madoff..]

3) Lama, ma, ma, ma, nikra Creedmooriah...Creedmoor poems and song lyrics.

Der Admou"r Claims Reparations for Victims of Attila the Hun!

BS"D

Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...

"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."

Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.

"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."

When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:

"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"

Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...

"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"

The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...

"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."

"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."

Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.

As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.

Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.

In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.

Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.

Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.

But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"

In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.

And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."

Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.

When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.

The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.

And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.

Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.

And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!

Coming Up on (one or the other) Nitel Nacht - Mickey the Machloikes Man

BS"D

Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.

But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.

And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.

Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.

To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.