BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:
1) Chilul Hashem berabim
2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law
3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel
4) A willingness to do anything for money.
5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock
6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot
The choices are between:
1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek
Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!
Thank you,
The Vaad haMesader
Showing posts with label solomon dwek scandal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label solomon dwek scandal. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Don Vital Haim - from Nebela to De Menubal..making a mint the old fashioned way - part 1
BS"D
Certainly, the most distinguished ancestor in the Schmoigerman-Nebela-de Menubal family tree was Don Vital Haim de Menubal. Born Hymie Nebela in Montres, Vital Haim de Menubal would actually become the proprietor of a mint of his very own.
Having been banished from Montres at the age of 12 when the area came under the rule of a nobleman who was determined to remove the "pestilence known as the Nebela family" from his fiefdom, de Menubal found himself in a rather sleazy part of the great city of Seville, where his father quickly established himself as a purveyor of many illicit pleasures of the flesh. Young Hymie was of course enlisted to help his distinguished parents, usually as a tout in the now famous "Tres Cartas de Monte" card games, but also as a runner for illicit cash and as a carver of forged wooden alms cards.
But Hymie knew that he could do far more with his inherited penchant for fraud and deceit. So, using the phony alms cards which were given to him as bar mitzvah presents, he obtained bug and excrement infested flour, offal, and rotten or overly dried carobs. With that, he began to bake and sell a product which his ancestor Todros had sold in his take out store in pre churban Yerushalayim, namely pat d'kokosh. Pat d'kokosh was indeed the ancestor of today's kokosh cake, but unlike today's version, which was actually based on an updated and sanitized recipe used by Atilla the Hun who in turn copied it from a de Menubal who supplied him with weaponry for his army, it was a rather disgusting concoction, which included not cocoa, but kokosh, an obscure Aramaic word referring to what is today known in any mikveh dressing room as "dreck". (Apparently the Huns, ancestors of the Hungarian Magyars, saw the similarity in appearance between dreck and cocoa and adapted the word kokosh to mean the cocoa used in the sanitized version of kokosh cake.)
At this time, Jewish families began to mark their homes with carvings of noble animals - for instance an Aryeh Yehuda would mark his home with a lion, or a Binyamin Zeev with a wolf. In due time these animals would become part of the family names taken by Jews to avoid being known as Jews during the Inquisition; Lopez from Lobo, meaning a wolf, or de Leon from leon, which even a graduate of Toire veKanois should recognize as the Spanish word for lion.
And young Hymie often found his way to a home situated far from the rest of the stately homes of the "juderia", or Jewish quarter, and marked with that most ignoble of animals, the lowly rat.
This was the abode of Solomon Du'ecq, "La Rata de la Juderia," a miserable little rodent of a man who made his rather prosperous living not only as a swindler who claimed he needed investment to build palaces for some noble or another, but also as a moser who would report Jews for violations of unenforced rules, such as those pertaning to manufacture of wine for Kiddush. This was because Du'ecq, in some dialects pronounced with a soft R, similar to the Arabic 'ghayin, in place of the u, had yet another enterprise; relabeling vinegar as wine and selling it as "wine of the Cohen Gadol*," which he had ostensibly had in his family's possession since the dispersal of Jews to Spain after the churban. His wine was also known as "La Barata" as it was less expensive than proper wine, and soon, cleaning ladies from the Latin American colonies who cleaned homes in the Juderia would learn that "La Barata" was actually not bad for washing floors.
But the Jewish matrons, who were familiar with Greek words from their husbands' commercial travels, referred to it as "La Economicqa," also meaning "the cheap stuff". And they would also find out fast enough that they did not need to buy "La Economicqa" from the reprehensible Du'ecq, but that they could find a similar product, namely simple diluted vinegar, in any marketplace throughout the Spanish Empire. (Years later, another renegade, perhaps a Du'ecq descendant, would migrate from Aleppo to Ottoman Palestine and begin selling liquid chlorine to his fellow Sefardim who searched for "la economicqa" in then vinegar starved Eretz Yisroel. His fraud backfired as the chlorine proved even more efficient for cleaning floors, and thus was born ekonomika, the national cleaning product and kiddush staple of Eretz Yisroel).
Of course Du'ecq needed to put an end to that, and Hymie de Menubal would be the one who showed him how, to the great benefit of both and to the detriment of every Jewish balabuste in the Spanish Empire.
*(It is indeed believed that Du'ecq was the ancestor of the noted Pedro Domecq, a very legitimate vintner and distiller who founded the House of Pedro Domecq, now part of global giant Pernod Ricard. Apparently, a renegade member of the clan, forced to live as a Catholic after the Inquisition, actually engaged in legitimate commerce (an anathema for the Du'ecq clan) and began selling proper wine and brandy while changing his name to avoid both persecution and association with the Du'ecq clan. This is quite plausible as the main product of Pernod Ricard is pastis, known in the Jewish world as arak. It is known that Solomon Du'ecq's grandson, also named Solomon, began selling arak distilled from worn out wooden alms cards, moldy pat d'kokosh, and various and sundry other forms of detritus and ordure. Moreover, arak is often referred to as dreck especially by unwitting yeshiva bochurim who taste it for the first time on Purim and find themselves suffering from headaches and gastric distress for several days.)
Certainly, the most distinguished ancestor in the Schmoigerman-Nebela-de Menubal family tree was Don Vital Haim de Menubal. Born Hymie Nebela in Montres, Vital Haim de Menubal would actually become the proprietor of a mint of his very own.
Having been banished from Montres at the age of 12 when the area came under the rule of a nobleman who was determined to remove the "pestilence known as the Nebela family" from his fiefdom, de Menubal found himself in a rather sleazy part of the great city of Seville, where his father quickly established himself as a purveyor of many illicit pleasures of the flesh. Young Hymie was of course enlisted to help his distinguished parents, usually as a tout in the now famous "Tres Cartas de Monte" card games, but also as a runner for illicit cash and as a carver of forged wooden alms cards.
But Hymie knew that he could do far more with his inherited penchant for fraud and deceit. So, using the phony alms cards which were given to him as bar mitzvah presents, he obtained bug and excrement infested flour, offal, and rotten or overly dried carobs. With that, he began to bake and sell a product which his ancestor Todros had sold in his take out store in pre churban Yerushalayim, namely pat d'kokosh. Pat d'kokosh was indeed the ancestor of today's kokosh cake, but unlike today's version, which was actually based on an updated and sanitized recipe used by Atilla the Hun who in turn copied it from a de Menubal who supplied him with weaponry for his army, it was a rather disgusting concoction, which included not cocoa, but kokosh, an obscure Aramaic word referring to what is today known in any mikveh dressing room as "dreck". (Apparently the Huns, ancestors of the Hungarian Magyars, saw the similarity in appearance between dreck and cocoa and adapted the word kokosh to mean the cocoa used in the sanitized version of kokosh cake.)
At this time, Jewish families began to mark their homes with carvings of noble animals - for instance an Aryeh Yehuda would mark his home with a lion, or a Binyamin Zeev with a wolf. In due time these animals would become part of the family names taken by Jews to avoid being known as Jews during the Inquisition; Lopez from Lobo, meaning a wolf, or de Leon from leon, which even a graduate of Toire veKanois should recognize as the Spanish word for lion.
And young Hymie often found his way to a home situated far from the rest of the stately homes of the "juderia", or Jewish quarter, and marked with that most ignoble of animals, the lowly rat.
This was the abode of Solomon Du'ecq, "La Rata de la Juderia," a miserable little rodent of a man who made his rather prosperous living not only as a swindler who claimed he needed investment to build palaces for some noble or another, but also as a moser who would report Jews for violations of unenforced rules, such as those pertaning to manufacture of wine for Kiddush. This was because Du'ecq, in some dialects pronounced with a soft R, similar to the Arabic 'ghayin, in place of the u, had yet another enterprise; relabeling vinegar as wine and selling it as "wine of the Cohen Gadol*," which he had ostensibly had in his family's possession since the dispersal of Jews to Spain after the churban. His wine was also known as "La Barata" as it was less expensive than proper wine, and soon, cleaning ladies from the Latin American colonies who cleaned homes in the Juderia would learn that "La Barata" was actually not bad for washing floors.
But the Jewish matrons, who were familiar with Greek words from their husbands' commercial travels, referred to it as "La Economicqa," also meaning "the cheap stuff". And they would also find out fast enough that they did not need to buy "La Economicqa" from the reprehensible Du'ecq, but that they could find a similar product, namely simple diluted vinegar, in any marketplace throughout the Spanish Empire. (Years later, another renegade, perhaps a Du'ecq descendant, would migrate from Aleppo to Ottoman Palestine and begin selling liquid chlorine to his fellow Sefardim who searched for "la economicqa" in then vinegar starved Eretz Yisroel. His fraud backfired as the chlorine proved even more efficient for cleaning floors, and thus was born ekonomika, the national cleaning product and kiddush staple of Eretz Yisroel).
Of course Du'ecq needed to put an end to that, and Hymie de Menubal would be the one who showed him how, to the great benefit of both and to the detriment of every Jewish balabuste in the Spanish Empire.
*(It is indeed believed that Du'ecq was the ancestor of the noted Pedro Domecq, a very legitimate vintner and distiller who founded the House of Pedro Domecq, now part of global giant Pernod Ricard. Apparently, a renegade member of the clan, forced to live as a Catholic after the Inquisition, actually engaged in legitimate commerce (an anathema for the Du'ecq clan) and began selling proper wine and brandy while changing his name to avoid both persecution and association with the Du'ecq clan. This is quite plausible as the main product of Pernod Ricard is pastis, known in the Jewish world as arak. It is known that Solomon Du'ecq's grandson, also named Solomon, began selling arak distilled from worn out wooden alms cards, moldy pat d'kokosh, and various and sundry other forms of detritus and ordure. Moreover, arak is often referred to as dreck especially by unwitting yeshiva bochurim who taste it for the first time on Purim and find themselves suffering from headaches and gastric distress for several days.)
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Drek Alleges Schmoigerman Offered Brain Tissue for Sale
BS"D
BSP (Bubbamyses Shonda Press)
When informant Solomon Drek approached Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in an attempt to get the world's best known miscreant behind bars and his own sentence reduced, he claims was met with a ghoulish proposition indeed. Our reporter interviewed Solomon Drek in his home, to which he is confined under house arrest while being monitored with a counterfeit Tiffany ankle bracelet. His attempt to sell said bracelet to Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, may result in added charges for the accused swindler, who faces over ten thousand years in prison.
Drek: "The rabbi told me, he could sell me unused brain tissue for transplant!"
BSP: "Brain tissue? There is no way to transplant brain tissue at this time!"
Drek: "He said he has loads of unused gray matter from all kinds of people. Politicians who only use their mouths, he charges 10 dollars a pound. Bureaucrats who think with, you know, he calls it their tuchises, he charges 15 dollars a pound. The sheep who voted for Obama, he's got lots of real ones besides the votes he claims he generated from thin air, he charges 20 dollars a pound..."
BSP: "But according to Federal records, your attempt to frame Rabbi Schmoigerman was a complete and total failure due to his own earlier collaboration with Federal officials and his successful disabling of your microphone."
Drek: "But why do I need a microphone? Everyone trusts Solomon Drek or they wouldn't have invested 300 million dollars with me."
BSP: "Did Rabbi Schmoigerman offer the brains of your investors for sale? Those I think are worth about 30 dollars a pound. Clearly hardly used properly and never used for too much intensive thought and analysis".
Solomon Drek then attempted to whack our reporter with a fake Gucci (Guchi) bag filled with kidney beans. As this is a violation of his house arrest, we expect him to begin enjoying an extended stay in the Hot Showers Federal Resort and Respite Facility in Otisville shortly.
BSP (Bubbamyses Shonda Press)
When informant Solomon Drek approached Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in an attempt to get the world's best known miscreant behind bars and his own sentence reduced, he claims was met with a ghoulish proposition indeed. Our reporter interviewed Solomon Drek in his home, to which he is confined under house arrest while being monitored with a counterfeit Tiffany ankle bracelet. His attempt to sell said bracelet to Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, may result in added charges for the accused swindler, who faces over ten thousand years in prison.
Drek: "The rabbi told me, he could sell me unused brain tissue for transplant!"
BSP: "Brain tissue? There is no way to transplant brain tissue at this time!"
Drek: "He said he has loads of unused gray matter from all kinds of people. Politicians who only use their mouths, he charges 10 dollars a pound. Bureaucrats who think with, you know, he calls it their tuchises, he charges 15 dollars a pound. The sheep who voted for Obama, he's got lots of real ones besides the votes he claims he generated from thin air, he charges 20 dollars a pound..."
BSP: "But according to Federal records, your attempt to frame Rabbi Schmoigerman was a complete and total failure due to his own earlier collaboration with Federal officials and his successful disabling of your microphone."
Drek: "But why do I need a microphone? Everyone trusts Solomon Drek or they wouldn't have invested 300 million dollars with me."
BSP: "Did Rabbi Schmoigerman offer the brains of your investors for sale? Those I think are worth about 30 dollars a pound. Clearly hardly used properly and never used for too much intensive thought and analysis".
Solomon Drek then attempted to whack our reporter with a fake Gucci (Guchi) bag filled with kidney beans. As this is a violation of his house arrest, we expect him to begin enjoying an extended stay in the Hot Showers Federal Resort and Respite Facility in Otisville shortly.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Solomon Drek gets his due from the Admou"r
BS"D
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.
However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.
Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.
Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!
When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:
"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."
"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."
Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!
The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."
In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.
Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"
"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."
Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....
And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:
"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."
Solomon Drek got the message, fast.
And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.
Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Ultra-Wide Circulation Chassidic Newspaper Paralyzed by Circulation Audit
BS"D
"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"
Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.
"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"
The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.
Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.
So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"
In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.
Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."
"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"
Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.
"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"
The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.
Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.
So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"
In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.
Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Will update again as soon as I can
BS"D
Sorry for the delay.
My mind just isn't on Creedmoor right now as I am busy with my business sites http://www.abillionbits.com and the semi-business http://www.frumebook.com which is a series of E-novels and short stories for the frum community.
I haven't abandoned Creedmoor and do intend to update as soon as I find some time to think out the rest of the Drek plot and put it into words.
See you soon!
Sorry for the delay.
My mind just isn't on Creedmoor right now as I am busy with my business sites http://www.abillionbits.com and the semi-business http://www.frumebook.com which is a series of E-novels and short stories for the frum community.
I haven't abandoned Creedmoor and do intend to update as soon as I find some time to think out the rest of the Drek plot and put it into words.
See you soon!
Monday, August 03, 2009
Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor
BS"D
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.
After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.
Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.
Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.
Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.
And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.
They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"
Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.
Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.
Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.
That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.
And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.
Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....
More coming later this week...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Solomon "Drek" Dwek and der Admou"r
BS"D
We have been asked many times lately regarding the connection, if any, between moiser Solomon Drek and der Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Therefore, we will answer the three most frequently asked questions regarding Creedmoor and this sordid affair. Of course, we will answer every question with - another question:
1) Did Solomon Drek attempt to entrap der Admou"r meCreedmoor?
-Is pork treyf?
2) Is Solomon Drek a renegade Creedmoorer Chossid?
-Is Madoff guilty?
3) Is Der Admou"r meCreedmoor involved in illicit trafficking in either human organs, counterfeit handbags, or both?
-Is Der Admou"r so meshigge that he is NOT involved in such lucrative scams?
More on the Drek Dwek scandal and how Creedmoor impacted Drek Dwek once and for all on Sunday.
Until then please enjoy the most definitely non Creedmoor serialized frum novels on http://www.frumebook.com.
We have been asked many times lately regarding the connection, if any, between moiser Solomon Drek and der Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Therefore, we will answer the three most frequently asked questions regarding Creedmoor and this sordid affair. Of course, we will answer every question with - another question:
1) Did Solomon Drek attempt to entrap der Admou"r meCreedmoor?
-Is pork treyf?
2) Is Solomon Drek a renegade Creedmoorer Chossid?
-Is Madoff guilty?
3) Is Der Admou"r meCreedmoor involved in illicit trafficking in either human organs, counterfeit handbags, or both?
-Is Der Admou"r so meshigge that he is NOT involved in such lucrative scams?
More on the Drek Dwek scandal and how Creedmoor impacted Drek Dwek once and for all on Sunday.
Until then please enjoy the most definitely non Creedmoor serialized frum novels on http://www.frumebook.com.
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