Admou'r gets CO for 240 Quintillion Souls in a 2400 sq. ft. basement

BS"D

Update:

The Admou"r's construction company, Creedmoor Demolitions and Insurance Adjustment, has finally finished construction on the Ramat Beis Tznius complex outside Ramallah.

He has received a Certificate of Occupancy from the Palestinian Disarray and the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, allowing for the resettlement of 240 quintillion (240,000,000,000,000,000) people, 120 quintillion male and 120 quintillion female, in a 240 square meter (2400 square foot) basement space that is fully divided in the center by a steel mechitza with a barbed wire coating.

This can only mean one thing. The Admou"r and corrupt "Palestinian" officials are about to perpetrate gross fraud against the UNHCR, which is  of course a gross fraud perpetrated by the Arabs against the world.

More to come soon.

Update: The Admou"r is Still Underground

BS"D

The Admou"r is still inspecting the underground women's passageways of his new "Ramat Beis Tznius" development in suburban Ramallah to make sure that the standard of tznius is indeed bullet-proof.

Since the Admou"r loves doing everything underground, we expect him back up after Shabbos so we can finally update our Chanike and Ramat Beis Tznius news.

Update: Ramas Beis Tznius

BS"D

The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!

Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides  for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!

More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.

Update: Admou"r is AWOL but will be back soon

BS"D

We believe that the Admou"r flew from the Brooklyn Bridge to Ramat Beit Shimush this evening in order to encourage his fellow self-appointed kanoim and to open his new ultra-kanoi, 1000% gender-segregated development "Biouv Patuach" tomorrow morning.

We will have the full account of the 12th Light of Chanike extravaganza this week, as well as a special audio from my colleague, Shmeel Paskudney, on how to be a real kanoi...................

Update: Chanike Report on Sunday

BS"D

We have just received word that the Admou"r was so impressed with the potential insurance proceeds from his Chanike extravaganza that he intends to light twelve candles on Sunday as he retells the story of his greatest insurance scam ever.

In addition, we are trying to confirm that the Admou"r did indeed endorse Ron Paul or whether he has actually been serving as Ron Paul's top secret foreign policy adviser during the recent weeks of campaigning.

Urgent Chanike Update from Creedmoor

BS"D

We have been informed that the revelers who somehow were diverted from a Chabad menorah lighting ceremony to the Creedmoor Chanike Extravaganza on Motzoei Shabbos are just returning now from what turned out to be a very entertaining luxury cruise.

All we are aware of at present is that the Admou"r will manage to receive a large insurance payment, and that his success was due to hiring Berish (Bozo) and Zerach (Zero) Wercberger, a pair of clowns, as well as "Shygetz Aross Bacsi," a Creedmoorer children's entertainer. Entertainment for the ladies' section on this mehadrin cruise was apparently provided by Behyme the Tzigane Queen, whose most benighted family hails from the superbly benighted ancestral village of the Admou"r, namely Szarkonosvary, Hungary.

We also understand that the Admou"r and his Creedmoor Cretin Crew ensnared an unwitting South African bochur and two French girls who inadvertently led others to believe that the cruise was a Chabad event. Finally, we have been informed that the Admou"r was able to hijack a luxury river boat by promising Green Cards to its crew of illegal aliens.

More later in the week, when we have full reports on the overnight luxury cruise and a full analysis of the damage done to the world's leading insurance firms.

The Admou"r Returns on Sunday for a Public Chanike Extravaganza

BS"D

The Admou"r is so desperate for the funds he needs to create another few hundred quintillion personalities that he will awaken from his deep disability insurance-mandated sleep to host a Chanike Extravaganza, a public menorah lighting of a sort that will put the tzioinim at Chabad to shame........and that even Solomon Dwrek and Bernie Madoff will praise for the sheer scale of its depravity.

Yes, Creedmoor is back with a bang.......or is it a series of seismic booms....as the Admou"r prepares for his public menorah lighting in a venue that no one possibly dreamed the Admou"r ever owned, even if he did produce enough documents of sale that the insurance companies issued him a few thousand sheets of policies to cover its imminent and ultimate destruction at the hands of a rather artfully designed menorah that burns rocket fuel made specially for it by the chemists who are now busy preparing missile fuel for the launch of the Iranian nuclear research satellite program.

Star Wars meets Creedmoor on Sunday, as the Admou"r hatches a plan to celebrate the tzioinish holiday of Chanike in special style, especially because it coincides with nitel, a custom that he and his Chassidim are makpid on every day of the year.

Will the earth survive the Admou"r's stellar display of Chanike pyrotechnics? The question is - will Lloyd's of London survive the Admou"r's next ream of insurance claims without a bailout from the Saudi royal family, the Chinese development bank, and George Tzuris?

The Admou"r is still in mourning

BS"D

While the Admou"r did appear this past Shabbos to receive an aliya to the Koran and utter mi-sheberach for his friend Hugo Chavez, he was wearing sak ve'efer and clearly did not want to be disturbed any more than he is already mentally disturbed. He usually rests peacefully in the recesses of his kever, where he trades food stamp futures and old Libyan government bonds with a group of investors in Lagos, Nigeria.

A check of the Apple 2 in his office shows that he has successfully generated only 100,000 new personalities. He has apparently outsourced the rest of the work to India, and his Indian subcontractor is waiting for payment before he can proceed.

We will inform you of any new developments in the Admour's condition.

Until then, shygetz aross!

All 150 Quintillion Souls Lost During Irene!

BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.

The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.

Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"

Please check out our Toldois blog for important news

BS"D

http://toldois.blogspot.com/2010/02/finally-schmoigerman-dynasty-traced-to.html

Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.

We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.

We will return in time for Purim

BS"D

I am extending my break to come up with new material as I attend to important personal and professional activities. I will be back in time for Purim; I have no intention of closing the blog.

See you soon!

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher FACPS (Fellow of the American College of Practitioners of Sociopathy)

We'll be back by 15 Shvat

BS"D

I am taking at least a one week break from Creedmoor as before we know it Purim will be here, and in Adar I plan to update almost daily.

At the very latest, the next update will be 15 Shvat (preparing one month before the chag). If I have time before then, I will at least move the yichus and history posts from here to Toldois Creedmoor and edit them so that they form a sort of parody of an Artscroll style history/biography.

In addition, I hope to record a couple of Creedmoor audio skits as well as to introduce "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona" in time for Purim. Rabbi Itzhak Arnona is the Rav of Gehennom and he will be sharing his secrets about just what goes on in Gehennom, and when he tells you about what goes on down there, you will be only too happy to purchase his many segooolot for avoiding eternity in the boiler room. Hmmm..could this have to do with boiler room scams? Considering Rav Arnona is a Creedmoorer deluxe, one can only surmise...

See you soon!

Ultra-Wide Circulation Chassidic Newspaper Paralyzed by Circulation Audit

BS"D

"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"

Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.

"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"

The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.

Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.

So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"

In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.

Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."

See everyone on 15 Sivan

BS"D

Creedmoor will return on 15 Sivan (Sunday 14 June or 78978 Av 5708 in Creedmoorer notation), barring any breaking news.

For now, it is our pleasure to inform you that the 7000 centrifuges which Mad Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have are actually defective washing machines provided to him by Schmoigerman Appliance and Refrigeration, one of the many defective and fraudulent firms registered to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's various personalities.

Schmoigerman plans to finance Ahmadinejad in a laundromat venture (for money or shirts is the question) when Mad Mahmoud is forced to flee and is accepted as a refugee by the Obama administration. Of course, the plan is that many furious Iranians in LA will gang up and throw Mad Mahmoud in one of the washing machines and throw in enough detergent to dissolve the dirt and slime that makes up the very essence of Mad Mahmoud.

That of course will leave Schmoigerman the full and sole owner of the venture, which he will use to literally launder currency and food stamps until he runs out of multiple personalities which will be far later than Iran runs out of oil.