Madoff and Borukhova Honored at Yom Ha'Atzamois Banquet...

BS"D

In keeping with the Creedmoor tradition of rewarding the grossest and most vile mechalelei Hashem of the year, Bernard Madoff was honored at the main sryfis hadegel and banquet, and Dr Mazoltuv Borukhova was the guest of greatest esteem at the N'shei Cholere d' Chabad Yom ha'Atzamois truncheon luncheon and burqa fashion exhibition.

And both were officialy welcomed into the bathroom medicine cabinet of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor - Madoff as Finance Minister and Borukhova as Minister of Health and Instant Justice.

But everyone knows that both of these great and honorable people are under government custody...how was it that both showed up at a banquet held in the exercise ward of Creedmoor?

Did the Admou"r really manage to outscam and take advantage of the greatest scammer of the century while he defrauded a heartless murderer? 

We know the answer is of course in the affirmative..........................

More coming on Sunday.....

Another Preview - The Schmoigerman Flu

BS"D

Mohammed Abd ul-Jamhariya ul-Karime* Werczberger, (sometimes spelled Muhammad, Mohammad, Muhamad, or even Mehmet or Mahmoud, with his surname being rendered as Wercberger, Wircberger, Wertzberger, or even Weinberger or Whank(berg)er for that matter if another cheque needed to be issued to another bureaucrat so he would participate in and therefore  overlook the devious machinations of the Schmoigerman fraud empire), is a typical, average, undistinguished student in the Yeshiva Ktana Pesha veResha elementary school system of the Creedmoorer communities.

That is to say, he does not exist in the flesh or in any other place, time, planet or dimension except on the welfare, Medicaid, SSI, and disability rolls of the US Federal Government and as the child of one or more recipients of Section 8 and heating assistance.

So, when little Mohammed needs a checkup in order to get prescription drugs, or medical equipment, or SSI, or disability, or anything that can be given to a physically, developmentally, mentally and existentially deficient young lad, his medical diagnosis, to say nothing of his height and weight, changes at will.

Last winter, the Admou'r needed hundreds of doses of human growth hormone for his illegal online pharmacy, SchmoigerDrug (known colloquially as SchmatteDreck). Of course, he made those hundreds into thousands by diluting the bit of legitimate hormone he obtained with vinegar and liquefied galle, but he did have to get at least some actual medication to begin with.

So, young Mohammed was duly reported by ten different Medicaid clinics as weighing 50 lbs and standing a mere three feet tall at the age of eleven.

And when the Admou'r's orders for diet pills increased for the Pesach eating season, Mohammed suddenly gained weight to tip the phantom scales at a colossal, veritably ursine if not bovine, 200 pounds at a less than towering 4 feet of height.

The Admou'r has an order for electric chairs from some Nigerian prince? No problem. Mohammed was duly diagnosed as a hopeless quadriplegic (after an accident in which he fell off the face of the Earth where he had never been seen in any event), in need of eleven electric wheelchairs for each spelling of his name because he suffered from Tourette's and personality disorders that caused him to wreck every last chair he received......

But now was the time for the ultimate. The Schmoigerman Flu.

For Yoim HaAtzamois had arrived and the grand Admou"r had no intention of using any of his present cash reserves to fund celebrations that would burn throughout the galaxy....

(part 2 coming on Sunday)

* Servant of the Generous Government

The Schmoigerman Flu Ravages Creedmoor

BS"D

It all began when Mohammed Werczberger, a star talmid in Yeshiva Ktana Pesha ve'Resha, had forms sent to Patelowitz Medicaid Mill in East Flatbush for reimbursement. 

Rajesh Patel and Shmilu Arskowitz, two deluxe Creedmoorers with hard earned medical diplomas duly designed and printed by Hakolbishvili and Sons of Rego Park, hit upon a new diagnosis that would earn their esteemed and addled Master, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, trillions upon trillions of dollars of Federal funds for cleanup and flu prevention - and for the greatest Yoim HaAtzamois festivities ever known to Creedmoor.

The diagnosis: The Schmoigerman Flu.

Symptoms: A feverish desire to extort funds from Federal, State, municipal and local bureaucracies for phantom persons and organizations combined with a gross aversion to productive work or even meaningful study of any kind. Characterized by excessive religious fanaticism and a desire to destroy the Zionist state, shared by the EU, the US state department and the Islamic (nether) world.

The number of victims diagnosed: eleven billion.

The number of dwelling, school, yeshiva and storage premises which had to be burned down for insurance in order to sterilize them after exposure to the Schmoigerman Flu virus: three hundred million.

Total square footage affected: Three times the overall square footage inhabitable by mankind on planet Earth.

Total funds due: Eight hundred and fifty quintillion dollars, all payable in EBT cards and food stamps.

More available on this scam of the millenium on Sunday as reports come in about how the Schmoigerman Flu funded super intergalactic Yoim HaAtzamois flag burnings from Monsey to yes, the Pluto formerly known as a planet....

A Warning: Tznius during Yom ha'Atzamois Festivals

BS"D

It has come to our attention that our hyliger chassidois are removing their tin foil and plastic burqas due to heat generated at the Yom ha'Atzamois "gitte sryfis "celebrations.

This is inimical to all we stand for as Chassidei Creedmoor and this practice is clearly one of acquiesence to the evil klipa of tzioinis.

Therefore we warn all women and parents of girls that any violation of full covering with a tinfoil burqa or chador may lead to the ultimate punishment of declaring the sryfo null and void for insurance purposes so that any benefit derived therefrom will instead accrue in full to the Admou"r rather than just being subject to the customary 310% 5 Iyar maaser.

A Yom ha'Atzamois (Youm an'Naqba) Reminder from the Admou"r meCreedmoor

BS"D

As we prepare to greet the saddest day of the calendar, the anniversary of the greatest tragedy in Jewish history, we must remember that it is our goal to convert darkness into light, and there is no light greater than that of an insurance fire.

Any flag burned must be burned indoors after being soaked with kerosene, and whoever burns it close to a source of natural gas or heating oil is especially worthy of praise. 

Regardless of our intention to burn it, the tzioinishe flag may NOT be purchased from a tzioinish vendor or sewn in the tzioinish entity. 

Therefore, we urge all of those who will follow in the great light generated by the burning of the flags purchase same only from Schmoigerman's Fabric in Creedmoor Shopping Plaza, as said flags are sewn by Muslims using fabric from Iranian mills.

This year's prices are:

Small Flag - for burning single family apartments and homes - 100 Food Stamps or 60 Euro.

Medium Flag - for burning multiple family dwellings - 165 Food Stamps or 210 Euro.

Large Flag - for burning full apartment buildings or warehouses - 250 Food Stamps or 315 Euro

Super Size Flag - for burning shopping malls, office complexes - 500 Food Stamps or 623 Euro (we cannot accept a price of 613 as this includes commandments which are considered null and void by our Chassidus, such as loi signoiv and does not include those which the Admou"r commands to his hyliger Chassidim such as "do not leave any abandoned building without burning it").

Kerosene from Iran will be available as in prior years at the price of 8 food stamps or 11 Euro per gallon. Barrels of 55 gallons are available at a special discount price of 918 food stamps or 1000 Euro per barrel.

First come, first served. A small selection of First Oven flags, those which have already been partially burned by Rabbi Schmoigerman and are therefore considered dovor shebekedusha, are available for 110 food stamps per square inch. 

Also, as in previous years, Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster will be on hand to supply addresses of buildings that are in need of a gitte sryfo. He will be joined by Izzy der Insurance Macher who will write all necessary policies and collect a token first premium so that they are in effect before the property is set alight.

We wish all a gitte sreyfe!

Creedmoor Prepares for Day of Mourning

BS"D

5 Iyar, the day on which the Zionist State proclaimed independence, is the saddest day on the Creedmoorer calendar. 

At present the Admou"r and his 150 quintiliion chassidim are planning a display of fire, the likes of which the five boroughs and Rockland County have never seen before.

Sponsors include the Federal Government Superfund cleanup fund, Axa, Aetna, AIG (which acts a a sponsor thanks to a special Schmoigerman Loss Related Bailout Program), Fireman's Fund (Schmoigerman's favorite as thanks to his poor English he misunderstands the simple fact that a fireman is one who puts out fires), Generali, and many other insurance firms.

We understand that fires will be set simultaneously in as many as one million abandoned warehouses, railway yards, crack houses and similar eyesores throughout the world, using kerosene soaked Zionist flags as kindling. What is not certain is whether or not these properties exist on any official maps besides the ones generated by Schmoiger Surveying, Ltd, a shadowy title insurance firm with locations in Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

In any event, look out for special coverage of the 5 Iyar festivities as well as halachic guidelines for hosting a sreyfas hadegel celebration in your shul or home.