Prelude: The Great Chanike Extravaganza

BS"D

"Rabbi, somethin' don't look right here?" Sergeant James O'Malley of the Downtown Brooklyn branch of New York's Bravest told the FDNY Jewish Chaplain, who happened to be visiting the firehouse for Chanukah.

The rabbi could hardly contain his laughter. While Chabad-Lubavitch often requested fire permits for menorahs in the downtown area, their applications were submitted in a manner far more professional than this atrocity, which scrambled the letters of Lubavitch and added hyphens to suggest love for a female dog. Besides, the whole idea of "Chabad-Lubavitch of the Bridges and Tunnels," even if spelled properly, seemed quite absurd. The rest of the application was equally as absurd, as it was a permit to set off hazardous pyrotechnics under the Brooklyn Bridge in honor of the sixth night of Chanukah.

"Jim," the rabbi laughed, "that application is either a very sick prank or the work of some fanatics in Williamsburgh who want to discredit our friends at Chabad.....but really, this is the work of a certifiable EDP. The Willy crew is a bunch of meshuggeners, but this is really....," the rabbi's voice trailed off..."it has to be the work of a real crank..."

"Umm, Rabbi, this baby is pre-approved.........who has that kind of connections with the brass in New York? This is a disaster waiting to happen. He wants to screw concrete beams onto the bridge and burn barrels of kerosene under it or something like that."

The rabbi, who once led a congregation in Queens, said: "Whoever it is belongs in Creedmoor! This is either a prank or multiculturalism gone astray...can I see the application?"

One look at the seal on the application showed just where the applicant indeed not only belonged, but also resided: "Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of Unadulterated Baseless Hatred of the Independent Anti-Zionist Torah Republic of Creedmoor."

"Jim, this is a joke. File it away somewhere. If some nut from Creedmoor really wants to paddle out to the Brooklyn Bridge with a rowboat, towing a raft of concrete beams, he's not going to get too far!"

Meanwhile, in the D-ward Kever Komplex, deep in the bowels of the abandoned D-ward building that Dovid Schmoigerman called home, the fax machine whirred with confirmations of insurance policies, not only for a certain bridge that spans Brooklyn and Manhattan, but also for cancellation of a major public event due to force-majeure. All policies were payable by January 1, as they were guaranteed by the hard currency reserves of the Creedmoor republic, so the Admou"r did not even have to cash in any food-shtemplach at 60 cents on the dollar to get proof of coverage.

The Admou"r was getting ready for a real blast, and one way or the other, the insurance industry would be blasted to the point that only a bailout could rescue it.

We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!

BS"D

We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.

However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.

On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.

So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....

A Warning: Tznius during Yom ha'Atzamois Festivals

BS"D

It has come to our attention that our hyliger chassidois are removing their tin foil and plastic burqas due to heat generated at the Yom ha'Atzamois "gitte sryfis "celebrations.

This is inimical to all we stand for as Chassidei Creedmoor and this practice is clearly one of acquiesence to the evil klipa of tzioinis.

Therefore we warn all women and parents of girls that any violation of full covering with a tinfoil burqa or chador may lead to the ultimate punishment of declaring the sryfo null and void for insurance purposes so that any benefit derived therefrom will instead accrue in full to the Admou"r rather than just being subject to the customary 310% 5 Iyar maaser.

A Yom ha'Atzamois (Youm an'Naqba) Reminder from the Admou"r meCreedmoor

BS"D

As we prepare to greet the saddest day of the calendar, the anniversary of the greatest tragedy in Jewish history, we must remember that it is our goal to convert darkness into light, and there is no light greater than that of an insurance fire.

Any flag burned must be burned indoors after being soaked with kerosene, and whoever burns it close to a source of natural gas or heating oil is especially worthy of praise. 

Regardless of our intention to burn it, the tzioinishe flag may NOT be purchased from a tzioinish vendor or sewn in the tzioinish entity. 

Therefore, we urge all of those who will follow in the great light generated by the burning of the flags purchase same only from Schmoigerman's Fabric in Creedmoor Shopping Plaza, as said flags are sewn by Muslims using fabric from Iranian mills.

This year's prices are:

Small Flag - for burning single family apartments and homes - 100 Food Stamps or 60 Euro.

Medium Flag - for burning multiple family dwellings - 165 Food Stamps or 210 Euro.

Large Flag - for burning full apartment buildings or warehouses - 250 Food Stamps or 315 Euro

Super Size Flag - for burning shopping malls, office complexes - 500 Food Stamps or 623 Euro (we cannot accept a price of 613 as this includes commandments which are considered null and void by our Chassidus, such as loi signoiv and does not include those which the Admou"r commands to his hyliger Chassidim such as "do not leave any abandoned building without burning it").

Kerosene from Iran will be available as in prior years at the price of 8 food stamps or 11 Euro per gallon. Barrels of 55 gallons are available at a special discount price of 918 food stamps or 1000 Euro per barrel.

First come, first served. A small selection of First Oven flags, those which have already been partially burned by Rabbi Schmoigerman and are therefore considered dovor shebekedusha, are available for 110 food stamps per square inch. 

Also, as in previous years, Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster will be on hand to supply addresses of buildings that are in need of a gitte sryfo. He will be joined by Izzy der Insurance Macher who will write all necessary policies and collect a token first premium so that they are in effect before the property is set alight.

We wish all a gitte sreyfe!

Creedmoor Prepares for Day of Mourning

BS"D

5 Iyar, the day on which the Zionist State proclaimed independence, is the saddest day on the Creedmoorer calendar. 

At present the Admou"r and his 150 quintiliion chassidim are planning a display of fire, the likes of which the five boroughs and Rockland County have never seen before.

Sponsors include the Federal Government Superfund cleanup fund, Axa, Aetna, AIG (which acts a a sponsor thanks to a special Schmoigerman Loss Related Bailout Program), Fireman's Fund (Schmoigerman's favorite as thanks to his poor English he misunderstands the simple fact that a fireman is one who puts out fires), Generali, and many other insurance firms.

We understand that fires will be set simultaneously in as many as one million abandoned warehouses, railway yards, crack houses and similar eyesores throughout the world, using kerosene soaked Zionist flags as kindling. What is not certain is whether or not these properties exist on any official maps besides the ones generated by Schmoiger Surveying, Ltd, a shadowy title insurance firm with locations in Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

In any event, look out for special coverage of the 5 Iyar festivities as well as halachic guidelines for hosting a sreyfas hadegel celebration in your shul or home.

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing!

BS"D

The Admou"r's Latest Directive:

Mivtza Sreyfo: Kashering Homes, Offices, and Warehouses for Pesach by Burning Away the Tuma of Tzioinis!

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing! As we prepare to make sure that we are not redeemed this Pesach, we must increase in our zealotry regarding Pesach cleaning and burn down not only our own homes but also those of our neighbors!

The tuma of Zionism is affecting not only your hyliger selves but also the selves and the inner essences of your neighbors, whether they are hymish, modernish, tzioinish, frei or shkootzish. But you, who follow in the way of the only real truth, must be the one who profits from ridding the world of the horrible tuma of tzioinis by burning down the house which is affected just as homes affected with tzoraas bayis were burned down in the times of the first golus in Sinai.

Remember that it is ossur for you to tolerate tuma in your midst, regardless of whether the tomai property is yours or not. For it is said "Bishvili Nivra HaOilam". Bishvili means not only for me, but for my path, meaning that it is upon you to show everyone by force that only your path is correct. And bishvili is also the ikar of the surname of the official printer of cash and insurance policies and food-shtempelach, which is Hakolbishvili.

This year, Haham Mashiach Hakolbishvili will be appointed the special gabbai for the "Mivtza Not One Home May be Left Standing." He will distribute a maximum of three barrels of guaranteed Saudi crude, completely unrefined as per the drachim of Creedmoor, to each family which undertakes to burn down at least a block of housing on each side of its own dwelling in time to celebrate the Festival of the Egel HaZahav on 12334 Av 5708.

He will also consult with each volunteer to determine how to best insure the homes on each block in question to the benefit of the burner (10% share of proceeds), himself (135% share of proceeds) and the Admou"r's hyliger moisdos (678% share of proceeds). A Creedmoor psychiatrist will be on hand to make sure each participant is diagnosed as a pyromaniac and therefore not subject to anything except recognition of his tendencies as a legitimate form of multicultural creative expression.

The Admou"r says: "All that is left to ensure that we remain in golus for ten more generations is to burn down as much of the world as possible. And whoever burns more, may he be praised, may his block be razed, and may his korban egel hazahav be braised!"