"An Unidentified Female" member of the Ku Klutz Kartel konfab in Gaza..who is it?

BS"D

According to a radio host in the Zionist state, the fearsome foursome who visited Hamas in Gaza for Shabbos Cholosh (the rest of us call it Shabbos Chazak) included "an unidentified female".

Who is she? Why was she wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel according to all pictures including those transmitted to us by the Gaza bureau of Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke?

We are attempting to ascertain the identity, including the correct gender blend, of said "female" and will report back as soon as we are able to fabricate an answer, which will take a bit longer than it takes der Admou'r meCreedmoor to fabricate a seven dollar food stamp...

Emergency Update from Der Admou"r: Chyrem on Entertainment

BS"D

(Translated from the original Kanoish dialect of Gibberish)

"How long will it take until our generation understands that the only forms of recreation acceptable to those of us who follow in the ways of our exalted forefathers Kayin, Koirach, Doson, Avirom, Bilom, all the way through the generations to our benighted and orphaned generation where my words are as dust in the wind, are those which perpetuate our exalted duties to bring machloikes and pirud into this world!

We are yet again dismayed to hear that members of our holy conflagration, which has consumed so many insured buildings in its wake yet has not brought the final redemption of all food stamps, Pathmark double coupons, or even our hyliger Machloikes Dollars, let alone Nauru Series B bonds backed by avian guano, that holy substance which sustains our hyliger kehilla, are listening to music that is of the lowest kind, that which brings forth the toeva which the koifrim of our generation refer to so brazenly as "ehrliche negine" but is in reality toieva because it is a balm to the soul and therefore influences the listener to fight against the prolongation of this Golus that we so adore and which allows us to obtain our parnosse through the holiest means of Welfare, Section 8, Medicare, heat subsidies, and insurance fraud.

Therefore, I once again reiterate that ALL MUSIC WHICH HAS WORDS THAT DO NOT PROMOTE MACHLOIKES IS OSSUR LEMEHADRIN and ANY STORE WHICH SELLS SUCH MUSIC AS WELL AS ANY HOME OR CAR IN WHICH SUCH MUSIC IS PLAYED, EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE HOLY IN THAT IT IS FILLED WITH CHANDELIERS PURCHASED WITH FOOD STAMPS AND PROCEEDS FROM INSURANCE FRAUD, IS IN THE STRICTEST CHEREM. I have instructed our holiest of holies, the hyliger Bulvanim modesty squad, to stand guard at ALL HOMES AND STORES and to be prepared to damage and destroy all property, life and limb belonging to those who counteract my most holy decree.

I have also instructed the hyliger chazzan, Reb Shmarya Schmendrick Schmaltzsinger, to record a new album of the most exalted niggunim of our community. The album, to be called "Machloikes, Machloikes, Machloikes," will be available at subsidized prices to any hyliger Yid who brings in one or more disks of the niggunim of toieva and at least three carats worth of diamond jewelry that is not fitting for a pas Yisroel."

Signed: Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishone deKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Baal haMachloikes d'Doirynee hoYasoim, Admou"r Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman d'Pirud Kehillos Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hamisragshim UVoim Leoilom Voed.

A Warning: Tznius during Yom ha'Atzamois Festivals

BS"D

It has come to our attention that our hyliger chassidois are removing their tin foil and plastic burqas due to heat generated at the Yom ha'Atzamois "gitte sryfis "celebrations.

This is inimical to all we stand for as Chassidei Creedmoor and this practice is clearly one of acquiesence to the evil klipa of tzioinis.

Therefore we warn all women and parents of girls that any violation of full covering with a tinfoil burqa or chador may lead to the ultimate punishment of declaring the sryfo null and void for insurance purposes so that any benefit derived therefrom will instead accrue in full to the Admou"r rather than just being subject to the customary 310% 5 Iyar maaser.

Schmoigerman Founds New Social Service and Patrol Organization

BS"D

Press release sent out by Creedmoor Public Relations Department:

Forget about Shomrim. And move over, Chaveirim.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is bringing his special blend of kanoius, grubkeit and gezel to communities throughout the US by training volunteers for his new patrol and chessed organization - Bulvanim!

Bulvanim will provide services including arson for hire, beating of improperly dressed women and girls, staged robberies, intervention in domestic and organizational disputes, forging of documents, assistance with multiple welfare applications, dubious heterei meah rabbonim (a specialty given all of Rabbi Schmoigerman's own multiple personalities) and much, much more.

Need loshon horo and pashkvilkelach scattered about town? Bulvanim is your answer.

And Bulvanim charges a portion of the profit (120 - 450%) only if successful. Otherwise, Bulvanim services are free.

Out of yeshiva and on the streets? Bulvanim needs YOU! Join Bulvanim NOW and have the time of your life while you help people and make some good money at the same time! Why hang around and be a bum when you can be a proud Bulvan!

Please note that all Bulvanim volunteers must either be over 6 ft tall and/or weigh over 250 pounds and/or have one or more arrests for violent crimes at the time of application. We assist you in meeting the second 2 requirements with a combination of kigel, cholent and a trial assignment or 2.

Call 1-888-BUL-VANN now! 

Pesach Schedule

BS"D

Yesterday I did not have a proper connection to the Net; the problem was resolved only late this morning.

And believe it or not, the environmental post will take a little research on my part to understand what a carbon credit is according to the Kyoto Protocol so that I can understand and explain the gibberish which Schmoigerman sent me regarding his EU emissions credit scheme.

I hope to do this by erev Pesach; if not then since comedy is mutar during sfira I will return IYH the Sunday after Pesach (and it hardly matters that Moshiach will have come by then because according to Rambam Schmoigerman's nature will not change for at least 40 years and comedy will still be mutar!)

So, in case I do not blog again until after Pesach, I wish my readers a kosher in frylichen Pysach and hatzlacha mitten dem gitte sryfes.

On behalf of the Admou"r, I remind everyone who intends to kasher according to the most machmir method of libum (torching) of all surfaces in your home (as endorsed by the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his sefer Nesivois Tzoiah ha-Roitachas), to please schnell roft zan our affiliated agent Schlumiel-Schlemendrick Hoizbrenner. 

Hoizbrenner has been relocated from Otisville to G-building and can be reached at 917-BURN-IT. In recognition of the poor economy and therefore the greater demand for his services, he offers a package for EUR 999.99 payable in 10 easy payments of EUR 399.99 per month for 12 months. 

The "Schmoiger-Package" includes incineration of up to 3000 sq. ft of property, insurance with Assicurazoni Schmoigerman SpA of Sicily, as well as the services of Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster. Hymie will be on hand to properly adjust both the gas taps in your home and the fire marshal's report as needed.

Call him now! 

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing!

BS"D

The Admou"r's Latest Directive:

Mivtza Sreyfo: Kashering Homes, Offices, and Warehouses for Pesach by Burning Away the Tuma of Tzioinis!

Not One Home Can Be Left Standing! As we prepare to make sure that we are not redeemed this Pesach, we must increase in our zealotry regarding Pesach cleaning and burn down not only our own homes but also those of our neighbors!

The tuma of Zionism is affecting not only your hyliger selves but also the selves and the inner essences of your neighbors, whether they are hymish, modernish, tzioinish, frei or shkootzish. But you, who follow in the way of the only real truth, must be the one who profits from ridding the world of the horrible tuma of tzioinis by burning down the house which is affected just as homes affected with tzoraas bayis were burned down in the times of the first golus in Sinai.

Remember that it is ossur for you to tolerate tuma in your midst, regardless of whether the tomai property is yours or not. For it is said "Bishvili Nivra HaOilam". Bishvili means not only for me, but for my path, meaning that it is upon you to show everyone by force that only your path is correct. And bishvili is also the ikar of the surname of the official printer of cash and insurance policies and food-shtempelach, which is Hakolbishvili.

This year, Haham Mashiach Hakolbishvili will be appointed the special gabbai for the "Mivtza Not One Home May be Left Standing." He will distribute a maximum of three barrels of guaranteed Saudi crude, completely unrefined as per the drachim of Creedmoor, to each family which undertakes to burn down at least a block of housing on each side of its own dwelling in time to celebrate the Festival of the Egel HaZahav on 12334 Av 5708.

He will also consult with each volunteer to determine how to best insure the homes on each block in question to the benefit of the burner (10% share of proceeds), himself (135% share of proceeds) and the Admou"r's hyliger moisdos (678% share of proceeds). A Creedmoor psychiatrist will be on hand to make sure each participant is diagnosed as a pyromaniac and therefore not subject to anything except recognition of his tendencies as a legitimate form of multicultural creative expression.

The Admou"r says: "All that is left to ensure that we remain in golus for ten more generations is to burn down as much of the world as possible. And whoever burns more, may he be praised, may his block be razed, and may his korban egel hazahav be braised!"