Creedmoorer to Speak at Simcha Hall Dedication

BS"D

While the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor will remain in a self-induced disability benefits related coma for the near future, he has already been booked as the keynote speaker for the dedication of the "Ateres Carlo Ponzi" simcha hall in Otisville, New York.

The hall, named by an Otisville Federal Kollel yungermann in honor of his mentor, and so named because he cannot name anything for himself when all of his funds are subject to forfeiture, allows families of those learning in the renowned kollel to celebrate simchas with their menfolk who are enrolled in intense Federally mandated learning programs.

It is expected that the hall will be dedicated on Wednesday of Parshas Vayeshev, the yahrtzeit of Er and Onan, whose descendants hold a perennial gathering on that day. Since there are no descendants, the gathering is virtual, but typically presided over by the Admou"r, who bills a fully catered meal, provided by "Inzerer Ingarisher Katerink and Take-away" for 150 quintillion souls to the United States Bureau of Increasing Deficits.

In fact, a Creedmoor-Otisville spokesman, Rosh Kollel Ben-tzion "Benzine" Weiss, explains: "Listen, det hall isnt gonna get kyne simches, but someone is going tzi shikn a bill far glatt caterink to the Bureau from Prisons yenner montig in donnershtig far a chassine oder ich vyse, a bar mitzvah party. Det way we iz gettink better food a couple teg yeder voch, and someone is goink to say dere iz 10 times as many guests as dere is yingerleit here to mach a bissle tryfe gelt even inside. Anyway, I am likink der nomen, Ponzi, det sounds like a gitte Ingarishe mishpooche!"

And whoever that someone is, he will undoubtedly be paying maaser of 125 or 150 per cent to his hyliger Admou"r. Alternately, the hall may just go up in smoke as soon as the Admou"r cuts the opening ribbon..or is it an opening in the bars.

Creedmoor Forever - just not now!

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Creedmoor will be back, most probably Chol Hamoed Sukkos.

The Admou"r is presently in a self induced coma in order to be able to claim further mental damage that exacerbates his acute multiple personality syndrome.

This will allow him to colonize most of the solar system and claim welfare from various space exploration bodies as well as double or triple his present figure of 150 quintillion welfare and disability recipients throughout the world.

For those who really wish to say the Admou"r's prakim (pay, tzaddik and 151-613) as a segula to help him create more personalities, his name for passages from the Koran and the Bagit Gitty is Dovid Azazel ben Pesha ve'Resha.

In the meantime, please do whatever you can to prolong this golus and contribute to the redemption of forged food stamps and triple coupons.

On behalf of the Admou"r meCreedmoor,

Sharia Dayan Imam Pandit Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (Yisroel Dovid Scheiss), Creedmoorer Masjid of Monsey

Koskesholislam Ismail Nour as-Sabih (Yisroel Meir Hirsch), Ras ul-Madrassa, Creedmoorer Madrassa Ohel Hagar of Al-Quds as-Sharif.

Controversial Chassidic Leader Claims Responsibility for Ahmadinejad Attack

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Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the self proclaimed leader of the self recognized "Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Other Unfortunate Occurences of Creedmoor", otherwise known as K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, is no stranger to suspected insurance fraud.

This time, however, the money trail stretches all the way to Iran, where the self-ordained rabbi is implicated in the recent attempt on the lamentable life of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Schmoigerman, who is known for his anti-Zionist views just as much as he is known for his successful and unprosecutable acts of gross fraud and theft,

World Court Expected to Decide Sdom Insurance Lawsuit in Admou"r's Favor

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We are now awaiting news from the World Court in the Hague, where the Admou"r meCreedmoor is suing a host of insurance firms for failing to recognize his claims for property belonging to his ancestors that was destroyed during the salinization of Sdom veAmorah.

It is believed that given the Admou"r's verifiable anti-Zionist bona fides, his claims will be honored against a number of insurance companies which are located in the "Gantze Soton," as the Admou"r calls the US, and "yenne medine".

More tomorrow morning when we have a chance to fabricate it in greater detail.

The Twin Cities and Their New Rebbe

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When one thinks of the Twin Cities today, chances are (s)he (as the politically correct West Coast Rebbetzin of Creedmoor-Alcatraz has asked us to write) has Minneapolis-S Paul, Missouri in mind.

Yet, while one of those Missourible cities has indeed inflicted a Failed Creedmoorer upon us, when a true and unfailed Creedmoorer speaks of the Twin Cities (s)h(it)e (which includes all the genders registered on welfare by the Admou"r) is referring to the pair of remote villages where Kalman Schmoigerman, the great great grandfather of the Admou"r, who indeed is still alive aged 243 according to Medicare records, established the first Hungarian antecedent of Creedmoorer Chassidus.

Those villages, not found on any map but still reporting a huge number of suspicious fires and floods to this very day, are apparently nestled in a rocky and hilly outcrop on the border between Hungary and what is now Albania.

They are called Szarkonosvary and Arschvary, or in Yiddish, Schvartzyohr and Ossvorf. And if one were to compare them to an earlier set of two cities in the nether reaches of Eretz Yisroel, which are now best known as the source of the active ingredient in the Ahava cosmetics which many a Creedmoorer boycotts, namely Sodom and Gomorrah, one would be forgiven for noticing the many similarities.

Szarkonosvary and Arschvary were founded by the notorious Vandals, and indeed when Kalman Schmoigerman placed a white flag on the abandoned fortress of Szarkonosvary, vandalism was very much in evidence.

The fortress was practically uninhabitable, except for a few rooms which were permeated with a strong smell of fermented plums. Those rooms were the abode of Szarkoszlas (Sar-kos-lash), the Count of Szarkonosvary, who was bestowed by the newly arrived pidgin Yiddish speaker with the noble name of Schvartzawolf.

Now, Schvartzawolf was in no way even remotely Jewish, regardless of the name which his soon to be lord of the manor had chosen for him.

He was a descendant of some Vandal chieftain or another. Once a semi-successful plum farmer, the alcohol soaked local noble now eked out a living brewing a pathetically primitive, but quite strong, liquor from a few rotten plums, some ketchup which somehow arrived in the town from local Gypsy traders, and just about any other available material, be it wood shavings, paper, topsoil, or three day old moldy bread.

The entrepreneurial Schmoigerman immediately saw the commercial potential of this highly toxic beverage. Not entirely devoid of knowledge when it came to intoxicational chemistry, he knew that it probably contained enough methanol to render anyone who consumed it temporarily blind.

And that meant that Schmoigerman could open a kretschma, or inn and tavern, similar to the one he had operated in his former abode somewhere in Carpathia.

In this new house of deceit, he could sell glasses and bottles full of this evil potion at a very high profit margin, as its effects would render its consumers unable to realize how much they were spending. Then he would simply have the reprehensible little Schvartzawolf rob the guests of his inn of every last bit of their possessions and relieve them of their steeds or other four legged forms of transportation. Finally, he would then have his new vassal carry his customers outside the town limits while they remained blind under the influence of the evil Schvartzawolf Slivovitz.

When they awoke, Schmoigerman planned to appear as their savior and provide them with a luxurious horse and buggy to transport them to their home villages. Once back in the guest's home village, the driver of said conveyance would demand a huge ransom in order to allow his passenger to disembark safe and sound.

Now, the question was - how could Kalman Schmoigerman get travelers to visit this isolated and foreboding little village and allow him to build yet another successful enterprise.

And the idea was not long in coming. He would convert Schvartzawolf to Judaism right then and there, teach him a few words of Yiddish, and send him out to the Jewish villages in the area to announce that the abandoned towns of Schvartzawolf and Oisvorf were now the holy court of the great and exalted tzaddik, the Szarkonosvary Rov, who of course was none other than Kalman Schmoigerman himself.

A conversion ceremony, consisting of a bris done in a fashion that would qualify as animal abuse if it had been performed on a four legged beast instead of the bestial Schvartzawolf, was performed, with Schvartzawolf repeating the words: "Harei ani meshuabad lecha Kvod Malchis HaRov HaGaon Kalman Schmoigerman, kedas Moloch veAzazel".

As far as the new Rebbe was concerned, he now had a fully Jewish gabbai, a sadistic little fool who would be more than content with five per cent of the daily take of the new Chassidus, paid to him in liquid currency, namely slivovitz of a quality one step above the poison he would proffer to all who paid him for a brocho or eytzo, and in semi-hard currency, namely the infamous kokosh cake which the Schmoigerman family had been producing since the days of their first inn in Sodom of old.

And that very night, Schvartzawolf went out on his three legged donkey to the nearby shtetlach to announce the arrival of a great tzaddik, a descendant of the Motzi Shem Ra of Shteinkopf.

With the literacy rate as abysymal as it was in that time and place, most of the locals truly believed there was such a tzaddik as this supposed ancestor of the newly self ordained Grand Rebbe Kalman Schmoigerman.

And the famous adage "There is a sucker born every minute" would soon be proven in the twin cities of Szarkonosvary and Arschvary.

Toldois Creedmoor: "They shoot horses, don't they" The Kerosener Rov (final installment)

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(Note: pending transfer the prior installments of this series are to be found on toldois.blogspot.com)

Kalman Schmoigerman had signed up just about every Jewish resident of the Kazimiersz - deGeneratzky lands for his then novel and now discredited tontine investment program, in which the last man left standing would inherit the entire sum of all funds paid in by all other participants. According to the proper operation of such a scheme, the proceeds were meant to be invested for the benefit of all participants, so that while the final beneficiary might have ended up with the lion's share, all who were involved would benefit from the dividends of prudent investments.

But honesty and any member of the de Menuval-Menuvalov-Schmoigerman clan had no connection with one another, and Kalman Schmoigerman was determined to cash in on every last kopek that his fellow Jews had invested in his tontine.

This was accomplished in a rather novel manner. As many of the townspeople, Jewish and otherwise, were illiterate in Russian and Ukrainian, Schmoigerman simply changed the name of the beneficiary on each deed from the specified name to the name of the purchaser's horse. If he did not know the name of the specific horse, he simply wrote "Ferd", which was one of the more pleasant of his own nicknames in cheder, in sloppy, hastily scribbled Cyrillic characters.

So, for instance, a policy bought for young Getzel Goldman, the son of a local grandee, as a Bar Mitzvah gift instead read "Ferd Goldman," as there was no way that Schmoigerman, who was rather corpulent and also had a price on his head, could normally outlive a lad of 13.

And of course, within a week or so of the completion of the subscription to the "Gantz Mazel Tontine," there was a strange epidemic of a horse pestilence, in which just about every householder in the area woke up to find at least one of his horses dead with several pistol bullet holes in its head.

Once Schmoigerman was certain that all of the horses belonging to all of his investors were killed, he sent out letters of condolence in Yiddish, with a short sentence in Russian at the bottom, in very small print indeed, informing the unfortunate former horse owner that he had now been removed from the "Gantz Mazel Tontine" for the policy was issued in the name of his now deceased steed or steeds.

The confused townspeople were too preoccupied with obtaining new horses to realize that the one man who had a single living equine, Kalman Schmoigerman, had rode on that horse all the way to Szarkonozvary, Hungary, which was a good 100 kilometers away from their town.

It was to Szarkonosvary that Kalman Schmoigerman had spirited his family, who awaited him in the castle which he had bought through a sleight of hand gambling transaction the moment he had collected enough tontine funds to want to secret away in the form of gold coins amidst the ruins of the famous Vandal fortresses of Szarkonosvary.

The Hungarian village was in fact founded by the Vandals, and it was a rocky outcrop of a village similar to that where the Montres-de Menubal clan of Spain had originated.

Of course, Kalman Schmoigerman chose it as the new location of the Schmoigerman criminal dynasty because Szarkonosvary was known for the same degree of moral turpitude as the city from whence the family had sprung at the very beginnings of its history of fraud, deception, theft and deceit. That city was of course Sodom.

And now, the misbegotten and foreboding little village had welcomed a new resident who would teach the rather dull-witted and petty Vandal descendants who populated the town and eked out a living by robbing travelers and the like, how to commit fraud on an international scale. Of course, the way these rather pathetic Szarkonosvarians would learn how to commit large scale fraud would be by serving as victims of the village's new self appointed Viscount, Av Arba Misois Beis Din, kashrus supervisor and tax collector, Kalman Schmoigerman.

The first sign of the arrival of this skewed moral compass was the appearance of a little stall in the central market marked with a simple sign reading "Kalman Schmoigerman Kokosh Cake Bakery. Kasher LeMafreya under the Strictest Supervision of the Szarkonosvary Kashrus Council." Little did the villagers know that this innocent looking yeast cake sold by Kalman and his family would be their undoing."

We are unable to access the Creedmoor archives until after 9 Av when Creedmoorer sfira, which begins on 5 Iyar, ends. We look forward to sharing with you as much of the history and present news of the Creedmoorer kehillas and their antecedents which we can fabricate when we return.

Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" Yeshiva Sued for Discrimination

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The Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is the flagship institution of the largely phantom Creedmoorer educational network, which exists largely to prove that its 48 quintillion or so students are all special needs children who are in need of special services and equipment from all 50 states, the EU and the UNHCR.

However, the "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is special in that it takes only students whose parents never, ever worked in their lives and have committed at least seven felonies in at least three jurisdictions.

A young man called Seamus Abdulkarim Oved, whose surname is suspicious as it suggests "work" in the Zionist tongue, attempted to enroll in "Mishkon Areilim" but was unable to provide documentation of his parents' police records.

Of course, in Creedmoor, this is but a formality as all records are generated by the Hakolbishvili brothers "Print-A-Buck" printing press, also known as the Royal Mint of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, depending on what opportunity for gross fraud presents itself.

But this was not enough for Mohammed Shmeel Abu-banat Ginzburg, who is only a six-time convicted felon, and a father of girls who in any case are not accepted into "Mishkon Areilim". He insisted on bringing the Admou"r meCreedmoor himself, who is the registered dean and warden of the institution of higher deception, to Federal court, which in this case means the Beis Din of the Federal Koilel Yingerleit and Alumni of Otisville. Said Beis Din is also located somewhere in the phantasmic nether reaches of the Creedmoor plumbing system.

The Federal court ruled that Ginzburg himself would be able to attend Mishkon Areilim under the Federal Koilel Mezuyonim program if he managed to commit another felony. As for Oved, a quick check of the records and a bit of sleight of hand were combined to find him a set of felonious adoptive parents. All rejoiced when eighteen new SSI applications were sent to Washington DC with a note: "Remember, from tiny ACORNS many votes do grow".

And at the end of the beis din proceedings, all parties gathered in an empty shell of a slum building in the Bronx to burn the Zionist flag in celebration of yet another sheaf of insurance cheques that would soon accompany the new SSI benefits.

Creedmoor Got a Facelift

BS"D

Thanks to the new Google template layout designer, I gave Creedmoor a quick facelift (much easier than giving Helen Thomas or Tali Fhima much needed facelifts but you gotta start somewhere)!

Please let me know what you think. I might change some colors on Sunday when I post again.

Helen Thomas Asked to Edit New Anti-Zionist Jewish Women's Magazine

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Newsbrief: Disgraced Hearst calumnist Helen Thomas has been offered a position as editor in chief of "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" - a new women's publication hitherto edited by Leona Helmsley who was finally pronounced dead after her identiy was used unsuccessfully to apply for several credit cards and loans.

The publication is owned by "The Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor", a splinter group within the larger "Anti-Zionist Congregation of Baseless Hatred and Other Unpleasantries of Creedmoor" that was set up when the original congregation became too large to register as one tax exempt organization. As it is run by the notorious Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, it is known for its extreme anti-Zionism and indeed attempts to send flotillas to Gaza, each of which has ended in very profitable disaster when the highly insured inflatable rafts and rowboats sank only yards from where they set sail.

Since the Admou"r only pays in currency which he himself prints, and Thomas would fabricate anything to get into print, analysts believe that the two will indeed be able to cooperate and that Thomas will indeed accept the position which Schmoigerman has offered.

Nevertheless, there is no word yet as to whether Thomas will join the Creedmoorer publication, which carries with it the need to fabricate stories regarding Zionist atrocities while maintaining a viewpoint acceptable to followers of Osama bin Laden. In fact, "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" is also very widely read in the Islamic world, as its beauty advice for burqa and chador wearers is extremely popular.

Regardless of whether or not she accepts the editorship, Helen Thomas has indeed graciously agreed to pose wearing an orange plastic burqa designed by the extremely talented wife of the Admou"r, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, whose beauty is said to rival that of Miss Thomas herself.

More as details become available.

Admou"r demands emergency welfare for an infinite number of microbes!

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As reported earlier, the Obama Administration has expressed interest in the proposal by Schmoigerman Environmentally Noxious Associates, Inc, a mysterious firm operated by the even more mysterious Creedmoorer Chassidic Community, to unleash several tons of a rancid Hungarian Jewish delicacy which the firm claims contains oil eating bacteria. The firm has guaranteed that this substance will indeed neutralize the BP oil spill and clean the waters that have been affected by it.

The food, known as galle, has apparently been sitting in the Schmoigerman chassidic compound on the grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center for over one year, as it was made for a flag burning ceremony which the controversial community had held in several vacant warehouses on the 61st anniversary of the founding of the State of Israel.

Since the galle has been stored without refrigeration, an infinite number of microbes have colonized it; these range from fungi to bacteria to other organisms which, like many in the Obama administration, have but one barely functioning cell.

However, the price of the proposal is set at one emergency welfare grant, equal to one month's rent in a warehoused apartment being used as an emergency shelter, for EACH microbe.

An Obama administration spokesperson has made it clear that the government is indeed amenable to the proposal, so long as each microbe then promises to vote Democratic in the November 2010 elections and then vote for Obama in 2012.

URGENT update: "Galle" from CSS Moishe Hirsch wreck contains oil eating bacteria

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We have just received the following information from the Creedmoorer Department of Economically and Environmentally Noxious Activities (Machon haKilkul vehaTiruf she al ydei Khal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin):

The galle which nearly spilled due to Zionist sabotage and was indeed rescued by a brave member of our Shomrei Bituach patrol was not headed to Gaza. It was and is instead intended to be used for the cleanup of the BP oil spill. As the galle was made no later than last Yom ha'Atzamois, it is confirmed rancid and therefore rich in destructive bacteria that destroy oil spills the way they destroy everyone who touches the galle at Shabbos kiddush.

A special arrangement is being made between the government of Obamistan and the Arba Misois Beis Din of Creedmoor to allow for proper reimbursement of the Admou"r for his many tons of noxious and all consuming bacteria. More on Sunday after the tzioinish Shabbos!

"CSS Moishe Hirsch" sinks: substance best left unidentified nearly spills out near beach

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An environmental disaster of British Petroleum dimensions was narrowly averted when the "CSS Moishe Hirsch," a 400 foot inflatable raft filled with provisions intended for delivery to Gaza, sank off the coast of Brooklyn. This raft was one of a second flotilla sent out by a mysterious Chassidic rebbe from Queens who had failed in his earlier attempt to send 16 rafts to Gaza for insurance purposes.

The raft, which instead of being inflated with air was inflated in insurable value and filled with a noxious and malodorous substance known as "galle," was found at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean a few feet from Brighton Beach by "Boris", a local resident who, among other ventures, is said to be an insurance adjuster specializing in maritime disasters.

"Boris", whose Social Security records show that he was 132 years old at the time of the explosion of the Chernobyl power plant near where he resided at the time and who subsequently emigrated to the United States, is supposedly totally disabled as a result of the blast. However, he managed to valiantly and singlehandedly rescue the 400 foot, 11 ton "CSS Moishe Hirsch" and thereby prevent the noxious "galle" from polluting the water.

When our Russian affairs reporter attempted to speak to Boris in Russian, he replied "you want dat ship should gay kocken affn yam mit all der galle? leave from me alone please"!

It is believed that "Boris" may be the mysterious Rebbe himself, and another business card which he carried advertised his services as an environmental cleanup expert. It is further rumored that after his brave escapade in saving the CSS "Moishe Hirsch" and billing the City of New York "thirty finf million foodshtempelach" for his services, that he is headed to tackle the BP spill as well so as to give the Obama administration a reason to print yet more "foodshtempelach".

Confirmed: Three Rafts Sunk off Atlantic Coast

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The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.

The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.

Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.

Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.

Creedmoor Sends "Freedom Flotilla" to Fight Zionist Entity

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It has been confirmed that another "Freedom Flotilla" is on its way to Gaza. Seventeen inflatable rafts, each one stuffed with phony EBT cards as well as dies and printing material to manufacture US dollar bills in "custom denominations" are being floated from Jones Beach to Gaza, with no fewer than 100,000 multiple personalities of the Admou"r on board each raft. The cards are meant for the brave fighters of Hamas sleeper cells who can print the bills and use the card numbers for purchases in Arab groceries from Brooklyn to Dearborn.

Our sources confirm that the rafts, like the scam behind them, are not seaworthy and are expected to be picked up by passing garbage barges.

However, we have confirmed that each multiple personality has already been issued a New York City death certificate to match the name on its raft of life insurance policies, all payable to "The Schmoigerman Fund for the Increase of Baseless Hatred and the Destruction of the Zionist Entity Speedily and In Our Time".

In addition, a brochure is now being printed which implores "rachmoonim bnei rachmoonim" to donate to the yesoimim and almanois of these brave "marbitzei haTzioinim" who gave their lives to fight the tzionishe koifrim in the medine. The brochure will be distributed throughout haimishe Brooklyn by "Scheiss and Dreck Distribution" a branch of the Monsey Islamic Coalition of Saddle River Road.

It is believed that the EU will be the main donor to this cause, followed by Saudi Arabia, Iran, and now Turkey.

We will be back

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We have not forgotten you and we will be back sometime later in the summer when the Admou"r returns from his latest vacation to some very secluded and hot location.

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"On these days of mourning and destruction, we lament the giving of the Torah to the Tzioinish koifrim, who violate all that is sacred to us as Chassidim of Creedmoor by living according to its commandments.

Six days of work are expressly forbidden, as work is a Tzioinish concept. It is recumbent upon us to cash welfare cheques seven days a week, at no less than seventy cents on the dollar!

The Admou"r is Fasting on Shavuos!!!

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In protest at the giving of the Torah, which the Admou"r views as a subversive Zionist document, Creedmoor and its affiliates will be fasting for two days while the tzioinim are celebrating matan Torah.

More tomorrow as the Admou"r's lunacy develops even further.

CONFIRMED: Bin Laden is in Creedmoor!

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The production staff of Good Morning America often fields and dismisses unusual calls, but they were shocked to receive a call from a woman who identified herself as "Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN" and who claimed being located in Alcatraz.

The call transcript is as follows:

LBPMS: "Bin Laden is not in Washington DC. He is in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, in the D-ward, and he's been there since 1984."

Operator: "Could you please repeat this? And what is your name and where are you calling from?"

LBPMS: My name is Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN and I am the holy Rebbetzin of the Holiest of Holies, the Sweetest of the Sweet, the Highest Expense Account of the Highest Expense Account, the Grand Rabbi of 150 Quintillion Souls, Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman of Creedmoor. I am his West Coast Rebbetzin and I process his donations from around the world.."

Operator: And where are you calling from?

LBPMS: Alcatraz, the Holy Land of our Community, which we have liberated from the forces of capitalist greed which sully the environment daily.

Operator: And where do you say Bin Laden is?

LBPMS: He is with my husband in Creedmoor. I just received eight donations for "Osama Moskowitz Bin Laden" from New York, New Jersey, Tennessee, South Carolina, Wyoming, Connecticut, Idaho and Quebec on his behalf via Electronic Transfer.

Operator: Thank you but I don't understand...

And at this point, his East Coast Rebbetzin cut in:

"Tell that Greek guy and that ugly Iranian that Bin Laden davens in my husband's shul and my husband takes his welfare cheques and cashes them for him as a favor.."

Operator: Please stay on the line. Help is on its way....

And with that, a social worker arrived at both Rebbetzins' residences and, after deciding that each one clearly needed extra assistance, 150000 emergency benefits transfers were made to each of the 100 or so personalities registered under each Rebbetzin's social security number (which exactly matched that of a certain Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman).

In Mourning: Schmoigerman Sits Motionless on Lawn; Tears Welfare Cheques

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We have been informed by our usual spurious and fictitious sources that our beloved and benighted Admou"r, Dovid Schmoigerman, is in a state of deep depression L"A as a result of the much belated passing of his teacher, Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar "Nutter Kartel" in Al-Qods.

The Admou"r has been spotted wearing a completely intact yellow garbage bag as he sits on the front lawn of his D-ward yeshiva and shil complex, listlessly tearing welfare cheques that he would normally cash for 60 cents on the dollar with one of his Pakistani hawala transfer agents in Midwood.

The cheques are invariably made out to deceased or incarcerated recipients and are dated as far back as 1976, which can only be expected as the Schmoigerman multi quintillion soul welfare enterprise has been funded via EBT and not cheque for the last decade or so.

It is believed that Schmoigerman will claim back welfare and SSI for these departed and depraved ones, as well as attempt to collect additional SSI and prescriptions for saleable prescription anti-depressants to treat his own hopelessly depressed 150 quintillion personalities, who are all moaning to one another and crying over the departure to the subterranean hot springs of the one and only Moussa as-Sabih, better known as Moishe Hirsch, former Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Authority and confidante of the late Yasser Arafat YMS.

"A Gitte Sryfe far Lag B'Oimer" -

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"While we at Creedmoor do not celebrate the tzionish holiday of Lag BeOimer, and we consider Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai a tzioni because he did not surrender to the Romans or better yet visit Rome, we do accept that today is an auspicious day for a gitte sryfe because you can always blame the fire on the Zionists.

We recommend that you purchase property in the vicinity of a shul, yeshiva or other tzionish moisad today, using the hyliger method of the flip where you put down a deposit so you can sell the worthless property on to a real sucker.

You then transfer the entity to some phoney religious corporation such as "The Community of Strife and Baseless Hatred of The Budapest Subway System May It Be Rebuilt in Our Days" and make sure to buy insurance for your now tax exempt property.

Then, burn one Zionist flag soaked in kerosene per square meter (we DO NOT use yards as this is a Zionist measurement and the only yards we care about are old scrapyards and shipyards that we can set to blazes) in the shell of the property and document the fire.

Now that your property is a house of worship, you simply claim that you burned it down as part of a religious ceremony, namely burning the tzioinish flag on Lag BeOimer in solidarity with the Palestinians and Neturei Karta who are oppressed minorities.

Finally, not only should you claim insurance but you should apply for a bailout from the great friend of the oppressed minorities, Rabbynee Barack Hussein Obama. To get this, show how many low income tenants you had living on the property (remember every rat counts as 2 mice and every mouse as 10 roaches) and how much you are doing for diversity in Brooklyn or Queens or wherever your property was located.

Then, promise me, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, 90% and ACORN 120%. This is a guaranteed segile to avoid prosecution.."