CONFIRMED: Bin Laden is in Creedmoor!

BS"D

The production staff of Good Morning America often fields and dismisses unusual calls, but they were shocked to receive a call from a woman who identified herself as "Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN" and who claimed being located in Alcatraz.

The call transcript is as follows:

LBPMS: "Bin Laden is not in Washington DC. He is in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, in the D-ward, and he's been there since 1984."

Operator: "Could you please repeat this? And what is your name and where are you calling from?"

LBPMS: My name is Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN and I am the holy Rebbetzin of the Holiest of Holies, the Sweetest of the Sweet, the Highest Expense Account of the Highest Expense Account, the Grand Rabbi of 150 Quintillion Souls, Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman of Creedmoor. I am his West Coast Rebbetzin and I process his donations from around the world.."

Operator: And where are you calling from?

LBPMS: Alcatraz, the Holy Land of our Community, which we have liberated from the forces of capitalist greed which sully the environment daily.

Operator: And where do you say Bin Laden is?

LBPMS: He is with my husband in Creedmoor. I just received eight donations for "Osama Moskowitz Bin Laden" from New York, New Jersey, Tennessee, South Carolina, Wyoming, Connecticut, Idaho and Quebec on his behalf via Electronic Transfer.

Operator: Thank you but I don't understand...

And at this point, his East Coast Rebbetzin cut in:

"Tell that Greek guy and that ugly Iranian that Bin Laden davens in my husband's shul and my husband takes his welfare cheques and cashes them for him as a favor.."

Operator: Please stay on the line. Help is on its way....

And with that, a social worker arrived at both Rebbetzins' residences and, after deciding that each one clearly needed extra assistance, 150000 emergency benefits transfers were made to each of the 100 or so personalities registered under each Rebbetzin's social security number (which exactly matched that of a certain Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman).

Der Admou"r's Resolutions for the New Welfare Year

BS"D

At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.

The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.

At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.

His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.

Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy

As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.

So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:

GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"

Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!

----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----

GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!

Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!

GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!

Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!

GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!

Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!

GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!

Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?

GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.

Clerk: How you spell dat?

GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R

Clerl; OK I got dat!

GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.

Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!

GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!

GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: OK you decide man!

GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!

Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!

GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.

Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!

GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!

Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!

GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!

Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!

GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!

Clerk: Dat be cool!

Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.

He returns to the office:

GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?

Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!

Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.

Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!

Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!

The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire

4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?

a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel

b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven

c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).

5) From who is your father havink smicha?

a) Satmar

b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin

c) Reb Sholam Weiss

6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day

a) Not worth from thinking about

b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar

c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.

7) To what music you are listenink?

a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa

b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich

c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!

8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?

a) Nyne

b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele

c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"

Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.

You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.

You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.

You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare

You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.

Urgent Request!

Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:

We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.

So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.

Rubin-Has-No-Life

Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.

For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.

Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.

And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.

In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.

And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."

Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.

In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.

But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!

Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.