BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.
The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.
Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"
Showing posts with label iran. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iran. Show all posts
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Admou'r meCreedmoor Offers Ahmadinejad Post as Head of Creedmoor Community Council
BS"D
The past elections for the Creedmoor Community Council, a body of pure corruption made up of representatives of each of the fifteen quintillion multiple personalities who make up the Creedmoorer community, were more chaotic than usual. No fewer than ten trillion personalities claimed victory for their fifteen million slates, and another forty trillion personalities actually contested the results by placing requests for emergency welfare and heat assistance with the relevant government agencies despite the sweltering heat in Creedmoor this past week.
As always, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was able to propose a solution to the deadlock in his community by offering a real, live person the position of Chief Dictator of the Creedmoor Community Council.
That person is none other than beleaguered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the legally wedded sharia husband of Creedmoorer stalwart Aharon Cohen, and therefore a citizen of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.
Therefore, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has offered political and insane asylum to Ahmadinejad should he lose his position, or even one or more limbs, to the will of the Iranian people. He has also granted the Iranian president the dictatorship of his community council in the hope that Ahmadinejad will accept and therefore put an end to the stalemates in both Iran and Creedmoor.
The past elections for the Creedmoor Community Council, a body of pure corruption made up of representatives of each of the fifteen quintillion multiple personalities who make up the Creedmoorer community, were more chaotic than usual. No fewer than ten trillion personalities claimed victory for their fifteen million slates, and another forty trillion personalities actually contested the results by placing requests for emergency welfare and heat assistance with the relevant government agencies despite the sweltering heat in Creedmoor this past week.
As always, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was able to propose a solution to the deadlock in his community by offering a real, live person the position of Chief Dictator of the Creedmoor Community Council.
That person is none other than beleaguered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the legally wedded sharia husband of Creedmoorer stalwart Aharon Cohen, and therefore a citizen of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.
Therefore, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has offered political and insane asylum to Ahmadinejad should he lose his position, or even one or more limbs, to the will of the Iranian people. He has also granted the Iranian president the dictatorship of his community council in the hope that Ahmadinejad will accept and therefore put an end to the stalemates in both Iran and Creedmoor.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Bakooshe Nafshis fin Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Shlit"a
BS"D
"In celebration of my recent election victory I wish to complete my new Remote Control for my Nuclear Reactor which is of course for Peaceful Purposes Only. However, due to the increasing desire among the public for healthier food without artificial coloring, it is exceedingly difficult for us to obtain the red dyed pistachio shells which we must have to complete the red remote control buttons. We ask the public, and particularly our dear supporters from among the Neturei Karta who clearly have many nut shells available in all colors and with the proper haimishe halal certification, to please mail any red pistachio shells to our Great Satanic address as follows:"
Un-American Friends of the Destruction of the Zionist Entity
Creedmoorer Beis Medrash and Coin-op Money Laundry, Saddle River Road
Ir HaKodesh Monsey
Hymie State, The Great Satan Even When Ruled by Barack Hussein Obama, 10000
Thank you and may you be rewarded for your chessed with more and more nuts, as well as bolts and anything else you are missing in this world and the next.
Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Teheran, Iran
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Creedmoor, Queens
"In celebration of my recent election victory I wish to complete my new Remote Control for my Nuclear Reactor which is of course for Peaceful Purposes Only. However, due to the increasing desire among the public for healthier food without artificial coloring, it is exceedingly difficult for us to obtain the red dyed pistachio shells which we must have to complete the red remote control buttons. We ask the public, and particularly our dear supporters from among the Neturei Karta who clearly have many nut shells available in all colors and with the proper haimishe halal certification, to please mail any red pistachio shells to our Great Satanic address as follows:"
Un-American Friends of the Destruction of the Zionist Entity
Creedmoorer Beis Medrash and Coin-op Money Laundry, Saddle River Road
Ir HaKodesh Monsey
Hymie State, The Great Satan Even When Ruled by Barack Hussein Obama, 10000
Thank you and may you be rewarded for your chessed with more and more nuts, as well as bolts and anything else you are missing in this world and the next.
Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Teheran, Iran
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Creedmoor, Queens
Schmoigerman: 80 trillion votes for Ahmadinejad
BS"D
It has become very apparent that the recent resounding victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the Iranian national elections was the work of none other than the absentee Chief Rabbi of Iran, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.
In exchange for the position of Minister of Entitlement Program Fraud in the next Ahmadinejad government, as well as the exclusive franchise to market Farschimelt Kokosh Cake, Schmoigerman enlisted no less than 80 trillion of his phantom personalities to vote for Ahmadinejad in the highly contested elections.
It has also been rumored that Schmoigerman and Ahmadinejad confidant Rabbi Aharon Cohen, of the Community of Complete Excommunication of Manchester, England and known as the Chyremer Rov, will be appointed Iranian Ambassador to the Fictitious Entity of Palestine, as well as Chief Nuclear Explosion Test Subject of the Most Exalted Nuclear Program of the "An Islamic Pistachio is Much Smaller than a Central American Banana Republic of Iran".
It has become very apparent that the recent resounding victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the Iranian national elections was the work of none other than the absentee Chief Rabbi of Iran, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.
In exchange for the position of Minister of Entitlement Program Fraud in the next Ahmadinejad government, as well as the exclusive franchise to market Farschimelt Kokosh Cake, Schmoigerman enlisted no less than 80 trillion of his phantom personalities to vote for Ahmadinejad in the highly contested elections.
It has also been rumored that Schmoigerman and Ahmadinejad confidant Rabbi Aharon Cohen, of the Community of Complete Excommunication of Manchester, England and known as the Chyremer Rov, will be appointed Iranian Ambassador to the Fictitious Entity of Palestine, as well as Chief Nuclear Explosion Test Subject of the Most Exalted Nuclear Program of the "An Islamic Pistachio is Much Smaller than a Central American Banana Republic of Iran".
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Schmoigerman Receives Insurance Payout After Nuclear Explosion!
BS"D
Said explosion was carried out for insurance purposes, as the Creedmoorer Entity has produced title deeds to several abandoned warehouses located on Jupiter. All warehouses were heavily insured before the accident took place.
Newsflash (IPRNA - Iranian Pistachio Republic News Agency)
It has been confirmed that the Iranian nuclear weapons program, now assisted by the building arm of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor, has inadvertently detonated a thirty four megaton nuclear device on the planet Jupiter.
Said explosion was carried out for insurance purposes, as the Creedmoorer Entity has produced title deeds to several abandoned warehouses located on Jupiter. All warehouses were heavily insured before the accident took place.
As insurance inspectors are not able to travel to nuclear irradiated sites on Jupiter, the payouts have been approved and payment has been made to the leader of the Creedmoorer Entity, Rabbi David Schmoigerman.
Rabbi Schmoigerman has guaranteed that our nuclear weapons can now be used to eradicate insured property throughout the realm of the Great Satan and the Zionist entity, and indeed throughout the solar system and all other galaxies. We salute the great and mighty deeds of our partner, who has made it possible for us to eradicate all enemies of Islam at a very great and mighty profit.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
"Creedmoor Va'ad Sryfis haBinyan" to help construct Iranian nuclear reactor
BS"D
As the Admou"r is a world renowned expert in profitable destruction, who indeed shares the anti-Zionist and antihumanitarian aims of the Islamic regime in Iran, his construction firm is the ideal partner to help us achieve our aim of destroying the Zionist entity once and for all."
NEWSFLASH:
The Admou"r's visit to Iran has resulted in a lucrative oil for arson deal in which the famous construction arm of the Creedmoorer community "Va'ad Sryfis haBinyan" will participate in the building of the nuclear reactor in Iran.
According to a press release from FARCE Islamic News Service of Iran:
"The Islamic 'A Pistachio Is Nowhere As Big As A Banana' Republic of Iran welcomes the participation of the official national building company of our fellow Anti-Zionist entity, the Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor, in our destructive nuclear energy program. We welcome the exalted Admou"r, the ruler of this great and esteemed entity, to Iran and are pleased to enter into an agreement with him and his national construction firm.
As the Admou"r is a world renowned expert in profitable destruction, who indeed shares the anti-Zionist and antihumanitarian aims of the Islamic regime in Iran, his construction firm is the ideal partner to help us achieve our aim of destroying the Zionist entity once and for all."
Apparently the Admou"r has taken out insurance policies on the entire country of Iran, the entire region, and all inhabitants thereof including 10000 phantom dependents for each family and single woman. As often occurs lately in these times of world crisis, the offices of international insurance firms are swamped by an overload of applications for life, property, fire and nuclear damage insurance, all originating from a single server in Iran.
Our board of Creedmoor analysts predicts an earth shattering phantom nuclear explosion, caused by acts of sabotage at the Iranian nuclear facility, and blamed on "the worldwide Zionist conspiracy".
More to come regarding this colossal development scam later this week.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Real Truth
BS"D
While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.
With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).
Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.
And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.
So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.
We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!
And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".
Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.
While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.
With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).
Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.
And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.
So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.
We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!
And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".
Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.
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