Admou'r meCreedmoor Offers Ahmadinejad Post as Head of Creedmoor Community Council

BS"D

The past elections for the Creedmoor Community Council, a body of pure corruption made up of representatives of each of the fifteen quintillion multiple personalities who make up the Creedmoorer community, were more chaotic than usual. No fewer than ten trillion personalities claimed victory for their fifteen million slates, and another forty trillion personalities actually contested the results by placing requests for emergency welfare and heat assistance with the relevant government agencies despite the sweltering heat in Creedmoor this past week.

As always, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was able to propose a solution to the deadlock in his community by offering a real, live person the position of Chief Dictator of the Creedmoor Community Council.

That person is none other than beleaguered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the legally wedded sharia husband of Creedmoorer stalwart Aharon Cohen, and therefore a citizen of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.

Therefore, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has offered political and insane asylum to Ahmadinejad should he lose his position, or even one or more limbs, to the will of the Iranian people. He has also granted the Iranian president the dictatorship of his community council in the hope that Ahmadinejad will accept and therefore put an end to the stalemates in both Iran and Creedmoor.

Bakooshe Nafshis fin Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Shlit"a

BS"D

"In celebration of my recent election victory I wish to complete my new Remote Control for my Nuclear Reactor which is of course for Peaceful Purposes Only. However, due to the increasing desire among the public for healthier food without artificial coloring, it is exceedingly difficult for us to obtain the red dyed pistachio shells which we must have to complete the red remote control buttons. We ask the public, and particularly our dear supporters from among the Neturei Karta who clearly have many nut shells available in all colors and with the proper haimishe halal certification, to please mail any red pistachio shells to our Great Satanic address as follows:"

Un-American Friends of the Destruction of the Zionist Entity
Creedmoorer Beis Medrash and Coin-op Money Laundry, Saddle River Road
Ir HaKodesh Monsey
Hymie State, The Great Satan Even When Ruled by Barack Hussein Obama, 10000

Thank you and may you be rewarded for your chessed with more and more nuts, as well as bolts and anything else you are missing in this world and the next.

Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Teheran, Iran
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Creedmoor, Queens

Schmoigerman: 80 trillion votes for Ahmadinejad

BS"D

It has become very apparent that the recent resounding victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the Iranian national elections was the work of none other than the absentee Chief Rabbi of Iran, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.

In exchange for the position of Minister of Entitlement Program Fraud in the next Ahmadinejad government, as well as the exclusive franchise to market Farschimelt Kokosh Cake, Schmoigerman enlisted no less than 80 trillion of his phantom personalities to vote for Ahmadinejad in the highly contested elections.

It has also been rumored that Schmoigerman and Ahmadinejad confidant Rabbi Aharon Cohen, of the Community of Complete Excommunication of Manchester, England and known as the Chyremer Rov, will be appointed Iranian Ambassador to the Fictitious Entity of Palestine, as well as Chief Nuclear Explosion Test Subject of the Most Exalted Nuclear Program of the "An Islamic Pistachio is Much Smaller than a Central American Banana Republic of Iran".

See everyone on 15 Sivan

BS"D

Creedmoor will return on 15 Sivan (Sunday 14 June or 78978 Av 5708 in Creedmoorer notation), barring any breaking news.

For now, it is our pleasure to inform you that the 7000 centrifuges which Mad Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have are actually defective washing machines provided to him by Schmoigerman Appliance and Refrigeration, one of the many defective and fraudulent firms registered to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's various personalities.

Schmoigerman plans to finance Ahmadinejad in a laundromat venture (for money or shirts is the question) when Mad Mahmoud is forced to flee and is accepted as a refugee by the Obama administration. Of course, the plan is that many furious Iranians in LA will gang up and throw Mad Mahmoud in one of the washing machines and throw in enough detergent to dissolve the dirt and slime that makes up the very essence of Mad Mahmoud.

That of course will leave Schmoigerman the full and sole owner of the venture, which he will use to literally launder currency and food stamps until he runs out of multiple personalities which will be far later than Iran runs out of oil.

The Real Truth

BS"D

While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.

With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).

Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.

And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.

So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.

We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!

And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".

Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Fweeky Fweedy Does Tshive

BS"D

Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.

He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.

However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.

Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.

Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.

Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.

That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.

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Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.

Ve ha'ir Creedmoor tzohalo vesomeicho...

BS"D

The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.

Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.

And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.

So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.

But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.

While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.

I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to Obamaberration.com.

While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.

So, check out Obamaberration.com if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)

If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is http://lightwell.wordpress.com for more serious Chassidic thought.

Please Send Ahmadinejad A Letter

BS"D

As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).

However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.

Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

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The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.

Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:

As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.

His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.

Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.

In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.

With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,

(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)

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I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.