Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):
Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.
Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.
At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:
311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).
Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.
311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.
Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!
311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?
Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!
(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?
Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!
The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:
"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.
Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.
While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."
Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Der Admou"r Set to Solve Kosher Meat Crisis
The Admou"r meCreedmoor, through his communally owned shechita enterprise "Maachal Ben Drusoy", has stepped up to solve the present shortage of kosher meat.
As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).
Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.
Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.
As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).
Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.
Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
OFFICIAL: Der Admou"r Endorses Obama
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has emerged from retirement to volunteer as the hymishe spokesman for the Obama campaign. As always, our favorite tin foil wrapped deluxe fruitcake has made a profound statement of endorsement for his preferred candidate:
"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."
The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.
"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."
The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
The Final Creedmoor Post: Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet part 4
Yes, this is it. I just am not into this anymore, but still I do have the final information to finish the pathetic, yet exciting saga of Moshe Aryeh Friedman, whose journeys from Creedmoor to Antwerpen to Vienna began with a bedsheet stretching from his Creedmoor padded cell to....JFK International Airport!
"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."
And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.
But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.
So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!
And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.
The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.
And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"
The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!
Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.
Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.
"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"
Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)
"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"
50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.
And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.
How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.
Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.
Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.
And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.
"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."
And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.
But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.
So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!
And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.
The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.
And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"
The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!
Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.
Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.
"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"
Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)
"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"
50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.
And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.
How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.
Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.
Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.
And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.
Friday, February 22, 2008
An Open Letter from Reb Sholam Weiss
Dear Federal Bureau of Prisons:
It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.
Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!
Zeyr a grossen dank,
Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov
(reference: http://tinyurl.com/37n7xv)
NB: Weiss is right!
You have selected:
Tuesday, April 13, 2737
The corresponding Jewish date is:
Nissan 20, 6497*
So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!
Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.
It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.
Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!
Zeyr a grossen dank,
Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov
(reference: http://tinyurl.com/37n7xv)
NB: Weiss is right!
You have selected:
Tuesday, April 13, 2737
The corresponding Jewish date is:
Nissan 20, 6497*
So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!
Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Mishenichnas Adar Choizrim leCreedmoor
Sunday, December 16, 2007
From the Future Creedmoorer Archives - "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta-man" Chanukah 5776
*Yes, I am back for one post, which I am posting today rather than on Nitel Nacht as I do not know where I will be on that august, or is it December, night*
Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.
He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.
When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.
Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.
Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.
Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"
"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.
"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"
Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.
Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.
And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.
Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.
But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"
Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.
But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.
And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."
Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"
Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.
He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.
When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.
Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.
Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.
Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"
"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.
"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"
Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.
Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.
And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.
Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.
But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"
Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.
But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.
And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."
Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"
Thursday, August 16, 2007
"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody
Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh
The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor
Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor
A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday
The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor
Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor
A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire
4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?
a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel
b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven
c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).
5) From who is your father havink smicha?
a) Satmar
b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin
c) Reb Sholam Weiss
6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day
a) Not worth from thinking about
b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar
c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.
7) To what music you are listenink?
a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa
b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich
c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!
8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?
a) Nyne
b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele
c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"
Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.
You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.
You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.
You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare
You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.
a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel
b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven
c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).
5) From who is your father havink smicha?
a) Satmar
b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin
c) Reb Sholam Weiss
6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day
a) Not worth from thinking about
b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar
c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.
7) To what music you are listenink?
a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa
b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich
c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!
8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?
a) Nyne
b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele
c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"
Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.
You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.
You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.
You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare
You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.
Urgent Request!
Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:
We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.
So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.
We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.
So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
The All New (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Questionnaire
Dis kvestiyenayre iz multiple choice. Now, I know dat by unz, multiple means meny, like, you know, multiple velfare eplikayshenz, but dis time it means you are to make ONE choice from der list far each question:
1) From what color is your tablecloth?
a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.
b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.
c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!
2) What is doing dyne tatte?
a) Er iz a roov in a shil.
b) Er iz a meshilich
c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.
3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?
a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein
b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach
c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)
(more to come tomorrow)
1) From what color is your tablecloth?
a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.
b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.
c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!
2) What is doing dyne tatte?
a) Er iz a roov in a shil.
b) Er iz a meshilich
c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.
3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?
a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein
b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach
c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)
(more to come tomorrow)
Thursday, August 02, 2007
The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form!
Yes, here it is. The form that everyone from Williamsburgh to Monsey to New Joel to Square Circle has been waiting for. The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form! Velfare, Sectzhen Acht, Medikaid, Disability, SSI, HEAP, all in one easy to chap form, written af Hymish of course:
1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).
2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).
3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?
4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?
5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)
6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):
____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer
7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer
8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________
9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________
10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?
11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?
12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?
13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).
1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).
2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).
3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?
4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?
5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)
6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):
____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer
7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer
8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________
9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________
10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?
11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?
12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?
13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).
Monday, July 23, 2007
Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av
For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.
Or, you can join us and
Or, you can join us and
BURN BABY BURN
Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!
For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!
For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Der Admou"r's A Con - Lyrics!
They went down to the welfare office
To get a check
And one tried to get more
Because he was
A shtick dreck
Der Admou"r fin Creedmoor
That is his name
Welfare fraud and scamming
That is his game
Two thousand years in prison he deserves!
Chorus:
Con, con, the Admou"r's a con
He gets enough welfare
For a thousand men
And then he has the chutzpah
To apply again
That ganif should sit for years and years! (repeat)
He burns down houses that he doesn't even own
Forges signatures to get a low cost loan
Signs up phantom patients for oxygen and chairs
Sells the stuff at whatever the market will bear!
And even launders money for Syria and Iran!
(chorus!)
But we all love the Admou"r anyway
From him we sometimes get a dollar a day
We sign our names on papers
That we can't read
To get the Admou"r money
That he doesn't need
He's stolen enough for thirteen centuries!
(chorus!)
Now everyone says that I have stolen this song
And I'll tell you something, they really aren't wrong
But my version is so silly
That no one cares
And all I made was a food stamp and a half!
(chorus!)
Loosely based on Dschingis Khan, 1979 Eurovision entry by German band of the same name, and Yidden, Yidden, by Mordechai Ben David. I will split one euro-cent lengthwise and send it to each creator upon request.
To get a check
And one tried to get more
Because he was
A shtick dreck
Der Admou"r fin Creedmoor
That is his name
Welfare fraud and scamming
That is his game
Two thousand years in prison he deserves!
Chorus:
Con, con, the Admou"r's a con
He gets enough welfare
For a thousand men
And then he has the chutzpah
To apply again
That ganif should sit for years and years! (repeat)
He burns down houses that he doesn't even own
Forges signatures to get a low cost loan
Signs up phantom patients for oxygen and chairs
Sells the stuff at whatever the market will bear!
And even launders money for Syria and Iran!
(chorus!)
But we all love the Admou"r anyway
From him we sometimes get a dollar a day
We sign our names on papers
That we can't read
To get the Admou"r money
That he doesn't need
He's stolen enough for thirteen centuries!
(chorus!)
Now everyone says that I have stolen this song
And I'll tell you something, they really aren't wrong
But my version is so silly
That no one cares
And all I made was a food stamp and a half!
(chorus!)
Loosely based on Dschingis Khan, 1979 Eurovision entry by German band of the same name, and Yidden, Yidden, by Mordechai Ben David. I will split one euro-cent lengthwise and send it to each creator upon request.
Rubin-Has-No-Life
Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.
For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.
Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.
And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.
In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.
And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."
Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.
In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.
But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!
Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.
For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.
Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.
And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.
In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.
And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."
Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.
In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.
But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!
Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction
Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.
No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.
Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.
Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.
All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.
So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.
But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.
No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.
Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.
Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.
All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.
So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.
But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Nancy Pelosi to Visit Iran - Only Der Shygetz Knows Why!
EXCLUSIVE:
Der Shygetz has learned that the reason for Nancy Pelosi's trip to Iran is connected with her upcoming marriage. What we now need to verify is whether she will join the Ahmadinejad harem, which now consists of three wives, twenty sheep, and one billy goat, or whether she will be given as a gift to the illustrious Moshe Aryeh Friedcircuits*, who is apparently close to divorcing his wife Leah, but who is also married to Fatima and Farida Friedcircuits, both of whom were born to a Muslim qadi and his sister in Ramallah.
*Given the many well known and respected personages in the Jewish community who bear Moshe Aryeh's birth surname, and the fact that his family does not agree with his activities, we will from now on refer to him only by the Creedmoor Farsi version of his surname, which, we have learned, was legally bestowed upon him by Dr Weinberg of Creedmoor (more to come on this next week once we have the full information regarding Pelosi).
Der Shygetz has learned that the reason for Nancy Pelosi's trip to Iran is connected with her upcoming marriage. What we now need to verify is whether she will join the Ahmadinejad harem, which now consists of three wives, twenty sheep, and one billy goat, or whether she will be given as a gift to the illustrious Moshe Aryeh Friedcircuits*, who is apparently close to divorcing his wife Leah, but who is also married to Fatima and Farida Friedcircuits, both of whom were born to a Muslim qadi and his sister in Ramallah.
*Given the many well known and respected personages in the Jewish community who bear Moshe Aryeh's birth surname, and the fact that his family does not agree with his activities, we will from now on refer to him only by the Creedmoor Farsi version of his surname, which, we have learned, was legally bestowed upon him by Dr Weinberg of Creedmoor (more to come on this next week once we have the full information regarding Pelosi).
Monday, April 02, 2007
Life Imitates Art - The Beck/NK residence is burning!
The Neturei Karta USA headquarters (NB: the correct name for these punks is Ku Klux Karta) at 102 Saddle River Road, Monsey, NY, is burning. Arson is suspected; the building's inhabitants, the desteemed and extingushed Beck (Dreck) couple, Imam and Sheikha Moussa Bashir Beck (Dreck) are conveniently spending Pesach in London (with one or more of their lacklusterous offspring, who indeed make up the rotten apple core of the so-called NK in England).
I smell Creedmoor. Once arson is confirmed, I will give this blessed event the coverage it deserves.
I smell Creedmoor. Once arson is confirmed, I will give this blessed event the coverage it deserves.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Creedmoorer Matzo Prices for 2007
Creedmoor MehaDreck Grocery and the Creedmoor Polymer Refinery and Matzo Bakery are proud to announce the following prices for Shmura Matzo Neki Mekoil Chashash Tzioinis this year:
Plywood Rounds from Cuban Grapefruit Trees (Mehadrin fin der Mehadrin) - 950 foodshtempelach der fint or 12000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a kilogram.
Pressed Sawdust Squares from Malaysian Hardwoods (Acceptable Bedieved for Those what Kennot Digest Plywood) - 825 foodshtempelach der 12 ountze fint oder 11000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a Kilogram
Super Yoshon Wheat Flour Rounds (far koifrim who ektually make der Tzioni brooches hamoitzi on matzo) - 65 foodshtempelach der 10 ountze fint oder 10000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forintlach far a Kilogram. Super Yoshon is meanink vus der flour iz geven in a demp warehouse far at least tzein yohr before der Admou'r got aross der flour far bakink end of course gebrent der warehouse far insurance.
If dis yohr der Admou"r again is kenselling Pesach, we are very sorry but if you come tzi inz far a refund we tell you like alveys: "Shaygetz Aross". You keep tryink end inzerer Creedmoor Honer Guards Tznius Patrol zig tzi dir "Shecht'im Ooon a Broooche!"
Plywood Rounds from Cuban Grapefruit Trees (Mehadrin fin der Mehadrin) - 950 foodshtempelach der fint or 12000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a kilogram.
Pressed Sawdust Squares from Malaysian Hardwoods (Acceptable Bedieved for Those what Kennot Digest Plywood) - 825 foodshtempelach der 12 ountze fint oder 11000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a Kilogram
Super Yoshon Wheat Flour Rounds (far koifrim who ektually make der Tzioni brooches hamoitzi on matzo) - 65 foodshtempelach der 10 ountze fint oder 10000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forintlach far a Kilogram. Super Yoshon is meanink vus der flour iz geven in a demp warehouse far at least tzein yohr before der Admou'r got aross der flour far bakink end of course gebrent der warehouse far insurance.
If dis yohr der Admou"r again is kenselling Pesach, we are very sorry but if you come tzi inz far a refund we tell you like alveys: "Shaygetz Aross". You keep tryink end inzerer Creedmoor Honer Guards Tznius Patrol zig tzi dir "Shecht'im Ooon a Broooche!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Friedmans and Werdyger Announce Baby Leasing Plan
The now divorced parents of Moshe Aryeh Friedman have long been trying to come up with a way of preventing another tragedy like their misbegotten son from inflicting itself upon the Jewish community. And Mendy Werdyger of Aderet Music has been quite successful in attracting ridicule for his new scheme of leasing music albums rather than selling them, in a harebrained attempt at putting a damper on the very real problem of copying albums.
So, the Friedmans, both jointly and separately, have joined with Werdyger, as well as leading obstetricians and hospitals which service the haimishe community, to put together a baby leasing plan which would allow for parents to break leases on defective offspring of the Moshe Aryeh Friedman variety.
However, given the confession of the cleaning lady who was responsible for the brain dislocation that makes Moshe Aryeh Friedman what he is today, we wonder how a leasing scheme can prevent future Freaky Freedies.
Depending on just where Yehuda Meshi Zahav of Zaka fame supposedly socked little Moshe Aryeh, there just might be a chance of preventing any more Friedman offspring from the Moshe Aryeh line, but given that even those who reject evolution agree that acquired traits are not inherited, damage to Moishele's reproductive capability would only benefit the Austrian government which would then be able to cap welfare benefits to Freaky Freedy at his present family size.
We will have more on this when the Friedmans and Werdyger return from their meeting with the one and only rabbinical authority who will agree to give his imprimatur to such a scheme, namely the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
So, the Friedmans, both jointly and separately, have joined with Werdyger, as well as leading obstetricians and hospitals which service the haimishe community, to put together a baby leasing plan which would allow for parents to break leases on defective offspring of the Moshe Aryeh Friedman variety.
However, given the confession of the cleaning lady who was responsible for the brain dislocation that makes Moshe Aryeh Friedman what he is today, we wonder how a leasing scheme can prevent future Freaky Freedies.
Depending on just where Yehuda Meshi Zahav of Zaka fame supposedly socked little Moshe Aryeh, there just might be a chance of preventing any more Friedman offspring from the Moshe Aryeh line, but given that even those who reject evolution agree that acquired traits are not inherited, damage to Moishele's reproductive capability would only benefit the Austrian government which would then be able to cap welfare benefits to Freaky Freedy at his present family size.
We will have more on this when the Friedmans and Werdyger return from their meeting with the one and only rabbinical authority who will agree to give his imprimatur to such a scheme, namely the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
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