BS"D
I won't be around much if at all during Pesach, so unless I do find a chance to move the Toldois posts here as I wanted to, there will be no updates or changes until the end of (our, not Creedmoorer) Pesach 5770.
We certainly will be back with coverage of any and all Creedmoor activities which took place while the rest of Klal Yisroel was celebrating yetzias Mitzrayim and the Creedmoorimlach were reveling in the knowledge that "ilu hoyo shom, loi hoyo nigal".
A kasher un freilichen Pesach, and remember that the Pesach hotel they send you to for overzealous kashering of insured property really isn't all that luxurious!
Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher and the staff of Der Shygetz and Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Admou"r's Tzioinish Pysach Directives
BS"D
11 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431
Creedmoor Beis Medrash, Pluto, Furthest Reaches of Golus May It Be Prolonged Until the End of Days!
"It pains me in an unfathomable way to hear that hyliger Yiddelach who walk in the hyliger flickering one watt light bulb of chassidis Creedmoor, even to the point that they recite "Shiksa Arann" repeatedly when walking the hyliger beaches of that most hyliger part of the Zionist Entity, namely Tel Baruch, are still observing the tzioinish yom tov of Pysach, which is against all that generations of our hyliger manhigim, going back to Koirach, Doson veAbiram and before that to the Chassidim of Sdoim veAmoira, may they be speedily rebuilt and just as speedily reburned for insurance, stood for and never sat down for.
While it is permissible for Yidden who are "naki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis" to sell matzois and other provisions to Tzioinim at inflated prices and to accept food stamps for same, it is NOT permitted to become a part of their idolatrous sedorim and other celebrations! We must remember that our goal is to return to the state of avdus in Mitzrayim, and never, ever, to live in the tzioinish entity!
Therefore, this year I am requesting that NO gitte sryfos take place on Monday 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431, which corresponds to the time when tzioinim koifrim will be burning their chometz, which of course we eat every day of their holiday which to us has the same disgusting and kefiradige insignificance as Yom haAtzamois (Youm an-Nakba).
Our gabboim and insurance adjusters will NOT be available on 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar under ANY circumstances and in fact our messira squad, those holiest of the holy who are moiser every nefesh and moiser every neshomo who does not share in the take with them, will be reporting every suspicious fire in all five boros and Rockland County so that the appropriate authorities arrest all who are taking part in the barbaric and wasteful ceremonies of the tzioinish chometz sryfos.
And we remind all that the yahrtzeit festival of April 1 will be postponed this year until April 10 so that it does not coincide chas vesholom with the tzionish pysach."
11 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431
Creedmoor Beis Medrash, Pluto, Furthest Reaches of Golus May It Be Prolonged Until the End of Days!
"It pains me in an unfathomable way to hear that hyliger Yiddelach who walk in the hyliger flickering one watt light bulb of chassidis Creedmoor, even to the point that they recite "Shiksa Arann" repeatedly when walking the hyliger beaches of that most hyliger part of the Zionist Entity, namely Tel Baruch, are still observing the tzioinish yom tov of Pysach, which is against all that generations of our hyliger manhigim, going back to Koirach, Doson veAbiram and before that to the Chassidim of Sdoim veAmoira, may they be speedily rebuilt and just as speedily reburned for insurance, stood for and never sat down for.
While it is permissible for Yidden who are "naki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis" to sell matzois and other provisions to Tzioinim at inflated prices and to accept food stamps for same, it is NOT permitted to become a part of their idolatrous sedorim and other celebrations! We must remember that our goal is to return to the state of avdus in Mitzrayim, and never, ever, to live in the tzioinish entity!
Therefore, this year I am requesting that NO gitte sryfos take place on Monday 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar 1431, which corresponds to the time when tzioinim koifrim will be burning their chometz, which of course we eat every day of their holiday which to us has the same disgusting and kefiradige insignificance as Yom haAtzamois (Youm an-Nakba).
Our gabboim and insurance adjusters will NOT be available on 14 Rabi` Al-Akhar under ANY circumstances and in fact our messira squad, those holiest of the holy who are moiser every nefesh and moiser every neshomo who does not share in the take with them, will be reporting every suspicious fire in all five boros and Rockland County so that the appropriate authorities arrest all who are taking part in the barbaric and wasteful ceremonies of the tzioinish chometz sryfos.
And we remind all that the yahrtzeit festival of April 1 will be postponed this year until April 10 so that it does not coincide chas vesholom with the tzionish pysach."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"Aish Sameach - Byse Loozer" The New BT Yeshive of Creedmoor
BS"D
"Aish Sameach" (The Joyous Fire) is of course the title of one of the greatest sforim ever written, a guide to the proper and efficient burning of insured property that is attributed to the hyliger elter zyde of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaGoon Kalman Elozor (known as Kalman Loozer) Schmoigerman of Shady Acres, an 132 year old goises who is mysteriously listed as residing in "Shady Acres and Shadier Deals Rest Home," one of the many nursing homes and psychiatric convalescent centers which receive Medicare and Medicaid subsidy transfers that land in the Admou"r's many offshore bank accounts on behalf of patients who have serious medical issues that affect their very existence and therefore make it very difficult to prove same.
Now, you can learn the only true derech in Yiddishkeit, that of self proclaimed kanoius, and sinas chinam in the guise of true devotion to the Torah of our three Avois (Koirach, Doson and Abirom). If you cannot adjust to life in the real world, are going through a temporary crisis that you want to turn into a permanent disaster, or are a teenager looking to shock your parents while living a lifestyle that is minimally socially acceptable, Aish Sameach - Byse Looser is the place for you!
Our courses include:
"Proving to Your Friends and Parents That They Are Koifrim Whom You Need Not Respect"
"How Torah Codes Predict the Destruction of Reform and Conservative Judaism Along With the Zionist Entity in 2015"
"Parnosso Training 1: An Introduction to Schnorring"
"Parnosso Training 2: Federal Benefits Programs; Parnosso While Learning for A Life Without Productive Work"
"Parnosso Training 3: Dina deMalchusa Dina Does Not Count for Anyone who Is Not One of Ours: How to defraud the government, consumers and business partners for fun and profit and sending your children to our yeshivas"
"The Fallacy of Ahavas Yisroel: Why You Must Curse Anyone Who Does Not Agree With Our Derech to a Misse Mashine and Worse!"
"Stories that Teach Yiros Shamayim: Hear first hand how those who had a chance to do tshive our way but did not are suffering in this world and in the depths of Gehennom!"
"Athletic Instruction: Improving Your Rock Throwing Techniques: Who cares if you were last to be picked for softball games! We will turn you into the Babe Ruth of Shabbos demonstrations in no time!"
After a mere month of our intense course work, you will be out on the streets of Boro Park making sure people repent-or else!
Admission is free of charge to anyone who can obtain a Pell Grant and makes a committment to three years of fundraising for our Yeshiva.
Extracurricular activities include: Fundraising, Rock Throwing, Running from Police, Hiding from Pell Grant Inspectors, and More!
Start your journey to true fanaticism and the real kanois that is so lacking in our generation! We guarantee that you will develop BT Syndrome within a month or we will take back your Pell Grant!
Why be a plain loser when you can learn at Byse Loozer?
"Aish Sameach" (The Joyous Fire) is of course the title of one of the greatest sforim ever written, a guide to the proper and efficient burning of insured property that is attributed to the hyliger elter zyde of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, HaGoon Kalman Elozor (known as Kalman Loozer) Schmoigerman of Shady Acres, an 132 year old goises who is mysteriously listed as residing in "Shady Acres and Shadier Deals Rest Home," one of the many nursing homes and psychiatric convalescent centers which receive Medicare and Medicaid subsidy transfers that land in the Admou"r's many offshore bank accounts on behalf of patients who have serious medical issues that affect their very existence and therefore make it very difficult to prove same.
Now, you can learn the only true derech in Yiddishkeit, that of self proclaimed kanoius, and sinas chinam in the guise of true devotion to the Torah of our three Avois (Koirach, Doson and Abirom). If you cannot adjust to life in the real world, are going through a temporary crisis that you want to turn into a permanent disaster, or are a teenager looking to shock your parents while living a lifestyle that is minimally socially acceptable, Aish Sameach - Byse Looser is the place for you!
Our courses include:
"Proving to Your Friends and Parents That They Are Koifrim Whom You Need Not Respect"
"How Torah Codes Predict the Destruction of Reform and Conservative Judaism Along With the Zionist Entity in 2015"
"Parnosso Training 1: An Introduction to Schnorring"
"Parnosso Training 2: Federal Benefits Programs; Parnosso While Learning for A Life Without Productive Work"
"Parnosso Training 3: Dina deMalchusa Dina Does Not Count for Anyone who Is Not One of Ours: How to defraud the government, consumers and business partners for fun and profit and sending your children to our yeshivas"
"The Fallacy of Ahavas Yisroel: Why You Must Curse Anyone Who Does Not Agree With Our Derech to a Misse Mashine and Worse!"
"Stories that Teach Yiros Shamayim: Hear first hand how those who had a chance to do tshive our way but did not are suffering in this world and in the depths of Gehennom!"
"Athletic Instruction: Improving Your Rock Throwing Techniques: Who cares if you were last to be picked for softball games! We will turn you into the Babe Ruth of Shabbos demonstrations in no time!"
After a mere month of our intense course work, you will be out on the streets of Boro Park making sure people repent-or else!
Admission is free of charge to anyone who can obtain a Pell Grant and makes a committment to three years of fundraising for our Yeshiva.
Extracurricular activities include: Fundraising, Rock Throwing, Running from Police, Hiding from Pell Grant Inspectors, and More!
Start your journey to true fanaticism and the real kanois that is so lacking in our generation! We guarantee that you will develop BT Syndrome within a month or we will take back your Pell Grant!
Why be a plain loser when you can learn at Byse Loozer?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Toldois Creedmoor: The Schmoigerman Chassune
BS"D
(I will move the rest of the Toldois blog posts back here as well and close the Toldois blog when I do. This follows from the last Toldois blog post about Kalman Schmoiger who became the first schmoiger to bear the Schmoigerman surname).
Now a wealthy man in Ruthenian terms thanks to his army recruitment schemes, and at the very ground floor of his soon to be famous tontine investment scheme, the time had come for Kalman Schmoigerman to marry.
To be sure, there was no girl in Ruthenia who would even so much as look at Kalman Schmoigerman, despite his great wealth.
Years of inbreeding going back to the times of isolation of the deMenubal clan in cliffbound Montetres had produced a specimen as revolting as he was reprehensible. Kalman Schmoigerman was said to be the prototype for anti-Semitic cartoons, as he was cursed with a beaklike nose, a pinched face, a bent back, rounded shoulders, and a stature considered short even for the time and place of his birth. His beady eyes, black as vultures, rounded out the picture of a man who looked on the outside exactly as he was on the inside.
So who was he to marry?
The answer came from nearby Nagyszar, a village located on the Hungarian side of the regional border. Her name was Schprintza Schvartz, but she was actually named for a common ancestor of both chosson and kalla, namely Senzasperanza de Menuval. And her original name was Swarcsmuk, for she was a descendant of the successful and ehrlich Yehuda der Schmuckler, a jeweler from the Rhineland who had settled in Hungary and unknowingly married a de Menubal, who had been adopted from her dysfunctional family by a childless couple who raised her as would befit the daughter of a renowned talmid chochom and his wealthy wife.
Therefore, his wife Rochel was indeed a pleasant, kind and gentle woman who seemed to have escaped the curse of her Sodomite ancestors.
However, the Swarcsmuk name and dynasty came to be because Shmarya, known as Schmendrik, who one of her four sons with this jeweler, reverted to de Menuval type.
At the time of the passing of their father, the four sons were supposed to have received equal shares of the inheritance, for Yehuda der Schmuckler, a talmid chochom and baal chesed who never expected to live as long as he did, had given the bechor, Nissan, his double portion years ago, and Reb Nissan subsequently left Hungary to establish himself in London.
However, the other two brothers faced ruin, for the reprobate Schmendrik attempted to obtain the bulk of the fortune by summoning them to the beis din of Szarkonosvary and Arszvary, an unrecognized institution which served two very remote and isolated towns known for their ignorance. The dayan, Koirach Wercberger, who was probably an ancestor of Ku Klutz Karta - Manchester stalwart and excomunicatee Ahron Cohen, was as incompetent as he was corrupt and after receiving a handful of counterfeit crowns from the litigant, he decided the case as follows:
Nissan, the oldest - all white jewels
Shmarya Schmendrik, the litigant - all black jewels
Moishe, the largest in size - all large jewels
Chaim Yankel, the smallest in size - all small jewels
The other two brothers in Hungary, as well as Nissan in London, simply equitably combined and then redivided that which they were awarded and went about with their lives as ehrlicher Yidden. Indeed, many Hungarian Jews could be descended from them, for they took the names Weisz, Grosz and Klein respectively in a comical reference to the comical beis din case when forced to take surnames. (Other sources say that a corrupt bureaucrat tried to solicit a bribe from the two brothers who remained in Hungary, and when neither one was willing to play along, he assigned the name Grosz to the diminutive Chaim Yankel and the name Klein to Moishe, a veritable mountain of a man, albeit as decent and honest as he was huge and strong.)
But Shmarya Schmendrik boldly took the name of Swarcsmuk (pronounced Schvartzschmuck) because he was so proud at having received what he passed off, rightfully or wrongfully as priceless pieces of onyx and black pearls.
By then, the name Swarc or Schwarz had been bestowed on many a Jew in the region, and because Shmarya Swarcsmuk had developed a reputation as a complete reprobate who regularly dealt in counterfeit stone and metal along with stolen merchandise, those Schwartzes began to refer to him as Smuk (Schmuck) so as to make sure they were not assumed to be related to him.
Of course, a century or so later, with the first Jewish immigration to the United States, that innocent German word for jewel which had become associated with this most corrupt of men would in time enrich the American English lexicon as a somewhat risque word for a fool.
Kind, gentle Rochel, the wife of the late Yehuda der Schmuckler and mother of the four sons, could take no more after the absurd beis din case. After a month of hearing of Shmarya Schmendrick's shameful post litigation escapades, she knew her time had come. She also knew that she had to tell her story to her reprobate son, so that he knew from whence he had emerged.
She summoned Schmendrick to her bedside, and her son obeyed only because he knew he could relieve her of her valuables once she slipped into her final sleep.
And before she began her journey to Gan Eden, she told her son: "You are the continuation of the curse! You, how did I believe I would escape this! I was adopted by a talmid chochom and his rich wife, a childless couple who were told by the rov of my village to rescue me from my own parents who were always traveling and often in prison. Rumors were that I was a deMenubal but boruch Hashem even now I don't look like one, maybe my father wasn't who he was supposed to be, maybe my real mother was divorced, who knows anymore? My father's mother and father were cousins, because they were the grandchildren of that Yachne Shprintza Menivelman who everyone said was cursed, that her great-grandmother was Senz'Esperanza from Montetres, in Spain, from the de Menubals who ran the three card games and got thrown out of Spain for that long before the rest of the Yidden were. My son, when I saw what you did to your brothers, and how Hashem protected them as He protected Yaakov from his brother through His shaliach the Szarkonosvary Dayan, I know it is you who will be cursed forever, for bringing back the curse of Senz'Esperanza, of the Hopeless One. Listen to me! You must name your first daughter Shprintza and make sure she marries only another de Menuval. The de Menuvals are known in Ruthenia by our oldest and most accursed name that we got before korban bayis sheini, and they are called Shoiteh, Menivel, Gas Ruach, which is sometimes shortened to Schmoiger. Otherwise this curse will continue through you until the end of time! If you do that then the rest of your children will be saved and even Shprintza will live in great wealth that will pass through for generations!"
After her son agreed to follow her instructions (a given as it turns out because Shprintza did not grow up to be fit for anyone else besides a de Menuval - Schmoiger), Rochel, the wife of Yehuda der Schmuckler, fell into a coma that was followed a week later by her passing. And once her reprobate son cleaned her luxurious abode, his very childhood home, of every thing of value, he ran off on a stolen horse to send word to his brothers, who arrived in time to assure she would be properly buried and remembered for her life of good deeds rather than for her reprobate son. Hardly in need themselves, they were not surprised at all that nothing of value remained in the home but they did not have the desire to pursue their brother.
The gravestone under which she would rest listed Shmarya Schmendrik as having predeceased her on the day of the beis din case, which was in line with a cherem issued against him by several legitimate rabbonim. And Mamme Rochel was mourned throughout the land, with no mention made of Shmarya Schmendrik except by some who said, "She was not Rochel but Rivka, for she was such a fine lady but she had three Yaakovs and an Esav for sons."
And that fictitious date of death inscribed in stone would serve Shmarya Schmendrik's future son in law in good stead. After marrying Schmendrik's shrewish Shprintza in a ceremony held at one of the many Schmoigerman bawdy houses, and officiated by none other than the now completely senile Dayan of Szarkonosvary and Arsvary, Kalman Schmoigerman and his new eizer legamrei negdo Shprintza would mastermind the very first haimishe insurance fraud, the "Naye Karpatische Tontine" scheme.
Since it depended on the masterminds' ability to prove that participants had died before the expiration of the policies (today known as term life policies but with a rather odd payoff provision that meant the sum of the policy would end up with the last survivor), a funeral was duly held for what was billed to be the corpse of Shmarya Swarcsmuk, dredged up from sea after a terrible shipwreck.
In reality, Shmarya Swarcsmuk was simply, with the emphasis on simply because he had moved to Arsvary (known in Yiddish as Oisvorf) known under his more accurate epithet of Schmendrik Schmuck, and no Oisvorfer (later shortened to Oisvorf) was literate enough to read a gravestone in a far off village. But they and their Szarkonosvary neighbors were gullible enough to buy life insurance in its primitive tontine form from the "Karpatianer Tontine Gescheft".
As for the rest of the participants who were needed to predecease the Schmoigermans so as to enrich them, well, the title of the next installment of the Schmoigerman saga is:
"They Shoot Horses, Don't They"
(more coming by Sunday IYH)
(I will move the rest of the Toldois blog posts back here as well and close the Toldois blog when I do. This follows from the last Toldois blog post about Kalman Schmoiger who became the first schmoiger to bear the Schmoigerman surname).
Now a wealthy man in Ruthenian terms thanks to his army recruitment schemes, and at the very ground floor of his soon to be famous tontine investment scheme, the time had come for Kalman Schmoigerman to marry.
To be sure, there was no girl in Ruthenia who would even so much as look at Kalman Schmoigerman, despite his great wealth.
Years of inbreeding going back to the times of isolation of the deMenubal clan in cliffbound Montetres had produced a specimen as revolting as he was reprehensible. Kalman Schmoigerman was said to be the prototype for anti-Semitic cartoons, as he was cursed with a beaklike nose, a pinched face, a bent back, rounded shoulders, and a stature considered short even for the time and place of his birth. His beady eyes, black as vultures, rounded out the picture of a man who looked on the outside exactly as he was on the inside.
So who was he to marry?
The answer came from nearby Nagyszar, a village located on the Hungarian side of the regional border. Her name was Schprintza Schvartz, but she was actually named for a common ancestor of both chosson and kalla, namely Senzasperanza de Menuval. And her original name was Swarcsmuk, for she was a descendant of the successful and ehrlich Yehuda der Schmuckler, a jeweler from the Rhineland who had settled in Hungary and unknowingly married a de Menubal, who had been adopted from her dysfunctional family by a childless couple who raised her as would befit the daughter of a renowned talmid chochom and his wealthy wife.
Therefore, his wife Rochel was indeed a pleasant, kind and gentle woman who seemed to have escaped the curse of her Sodomite ancestors.
However, the Swarcsmuk name and dynasty came to be because Shmarya, known as Schmendrik, who one of her four sons with this jeweler, reverted to de Menuval type.
At the time of the passing of their father, the four sons were supposed to have received equal shares of the inheritance, for Yehuda der Schmuckler, a talmid chochom and baal chesed who never expected to live as long as he did, had given the bechor, Nissan, his double portion years ago, and Reb Nissan subsequently left Hungary to establish himself in London.
However, the other two brothers faced ruin, for the reprobate Schmendrik attempted to obtain the bulk of the fortune by summoning them to the beis din of Szarkonosvary and Arszvary, an unrecognized institution which served two very remote and isolated towns known for their ignorance. The dayan, Koirach Wercberger, who was probably an ancestor of Ku Klutz Karta - Manchester stalwart and excomunicatee Ahron Cohen, was as incompetent as he was corrupt and after receiving a handful of counterfeit crowns from the litigant, he decided the case as follows:
Nissan, the oldest - all white jewels
Shmarya Schmendrik, the litigant - all black jewels
Moishe, the largest in size - all large jewels
Chaim Yankel, the smallest in size - all small jewels
The other two brothers in Hungary, as well as Nissan in London, simply equitably combined and then redivided that which they were awarded and went about with their lives as ehrlicher Yidden. Indeed, many Hungarian Jews could be descended from them, for they took the names Weisz, Grosz and Klein respectively in a comical reference to the comical beis din case when forced to take surnames. (Other sources say that a corrupt bureaucrat tried to solicit a bribe from the two brothers who remained in Hungary, and when neither one was willing to play along, he assigned the name Grosz to the diminutive Chaim Yankel and the name Klein to Moishe, a veritable mountain of a man, albeit as decent and honest as he was huge and strong.)
But Shmarya Schmendrik boldly took the name of Swarcsmuk (pronounced Schvartzschmuck) because he was so proud at having received what he passed off, rightfully or wrongfully as priceless pieces of onyx and black pearls.
By then, the name Swarc or Schwarz had been bestowed on many a Jew in the region, and because Shmarya Swarcsmuk had developed a reputation as a complete reprobate who regularly dealt in counterfeit stone and metal along with stolen merchandise, those Schwartzes began to refer to him as Smuk (Schmuck) so as to make sure they were not assumed to be related to him.
Of course, a century or so later, with the first Jewish immigration to the United States, that innocent German word for jewel which had become associated with this most corrupt of men would in time enrich the American English lexicon as a somewhat risque word for a fool.
Kind, gentle Rochel, the wife of the late Yehuda der Schmuckler and mother of the four sons, could take no more after the absurd beis din case. After a month of hearing of Shmarya Schmendrick's shameful post litigation escapades, she knew her time had come. She also knew that she had to tell her story to her reprobate son, so that he knew from whence he had emerged.
She summoned Schmendrick to her bedside, and her son obeyed only because he knew he could relieve her of her valuables once she slipped into her final sleep.
And before she began her journey to Gan Eden, she told her son: "You are the continuation of the curse! You, how did I believe I would escape this! I was adopted by a talmid chochom and his rich wife, a childless couple who were told by the rov of my village to rescue me from my own parents who were always traveling and often in prison. Rumors were that I was a deMenubal but boruch Hashem even now I don't look like one, maybe my father wasn't who he was supposed to be, maybe my real mother was divorced, who knows anymore? My father's mother and father were cousins, because they were the grandchildren of that Yachne Shprintza Menivelman who everyone said was cursed, that her great-grandmother was Senz'Esperanza from Montetres, in Spain, from the de Menubals who ran the three card games and got thrown out of Spain for that long before the rest of the Yidden were. My son, when I saw what you did to your brothers, and how Hashem protected them as He protected Yaakov from his brother through His shaliach the Szarkonosvary Dayan, I know it is you who will be cursed forever, for bringing back the curse of Senz'Esperanza, of the Hopeless One. Listen to me! You must name your first daughter Shprintza and make sure she marries only another de Menuval. The de Menuvals are known in Ruthenia by our oldest and most accursed name that we got before korban bayis sheini, and they are called Shoiteh, Menivel, Gas Ruach, which is sometimes shortened to Schmoiger. Otherwise this curse will continue through you until the end of time! If you do that then the rest of your children will be saved and even Shprintza will live in great wealth that will pass through for generations!"
After her son agreed to follow her instructions (a given as it turns out because Shprintza did not grow up to be fit for anyone else besides a de Menuval - Schmoiger), Rochel, the wife of Yehuda der Schmuckler, fell into a coma that was followed a week later by her passing. And once her reprobate son cleaned her luxurious abode, his very childhood home, of every thing of value, he ran off on a stolen horse to send word to his brothers, who arrived in time to assure she would be properly buried and remembered for her life of good deeds rather than for her reprobate son. Hardly in need themselves, they were not surprised at all that nothing of value remained in the home but they did not have the desire to pursue their brother.
The gravestone under which she would rest listed Shmarya Schmendrik as having predeceased her on the day of the beis din case, which was in line with a cherem issued against him by several legitimate rabbonim. And Mamme Rochel was mourned throughout the land, with no mention made of Shmarya Schmendrik except by some who said, "She was not Rochel but Rivka, for she was such a fine lady but she had three Yaakovs and an Esav for sons."
And that fictitious date of death inscribed in stone would serve Shmarya Schmendrik's future son in law in good stead. After marrying Schmendrik's shrewish Shprintza in a ceremony held at one of the many Schmoigerman bawdy houses, and officiated by none other than the now completely senile Dayan of Szarkonosvary and Arsvary, Kalman Schmoigerman and his new eizer legamrei negdo Shprintza would mastermind the very first haimishe insurance fraud, the "Naye Karpatische Tontine" scheme.
Since it depended on the masterminds' ability to prove that participants had died before the expiration of the policies (today known as term life policies but with a rather odd payoff provision that meant the sum of the policy would end up with the last survivor), a funeral was duly held for what was billed to be the corpse of Shmarya Swarcsmuk, dredged up from sea after a terrible shipwreck.
In reality, Shmarya Swarcsmuk was simply, with the emphasis on simply because he had moved to Arsvary (known in Yiddish as Oisvorf) known under his more accurate epithet of Schmendrik Schmuck, and no Oisvorfer (later shortened to Oisvorf) was literate enough to read a gravestone in a far off village. But they and their Szarkonosvary neighbors were gullible enough to buy life insurance in its primitive tontine form from the "Karpatianer Tontine Gescheft".
As for the rest of the participants who were needed to predecease the Schmoigermans so as to enrich them, well, the title of the next installment of the Schmoigerman saga is:
"They Shoot Horses, Don't They"
(more coming by Sunday IYH)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Controversial Wakeup Alarm Flies by Night
BS"D
PashkvilPress:
This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.
"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"
"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"
"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!
Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.
Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.
The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.
PashkvilPress:
This past Shabbos, residents of large New York area Jewish communities were up in arms after the "personalized shul wakeup service" which many of them tried turned out to be a loud, irritating scam. And this morning, those same first customers who nevertheless needed a wake-up message to attend Sunday shacharis were just as surprised that it had been dismantled, as they and their less gullible neighbors alike were irritated by a wave of thick, acrid smoke which made it uncomfortable for them to leave their homes for hours.
"You know, I am Parsi, and I will try anything when it is free," complained Rahamim Kamtzanzadeh of Great Neck. "But you know also, I left Iran because of the sound of that muezzin, and what do I hear Shabbat morning at 5 but a muezzin calling out the Koran in Yiddish! I am happy I did not give them my credit card number, because then I drive into the city this morning and stop at synagogue first and my neighbor tell me he smell smoke from where he see a crazy Chassidic man building an alarm tower!"
"Vus iz dos!?" exclaimed Shmeel Verczberger, a co-owner of 13th Avenue Judaica and Fencing and rov of the "Otisville Koilel" minyan. "I know this guy, he is always cashing for me the food stamps I take for sforim and zilber, and he is saying I should get his wake up service so I do. And yesterday mornink I am hearink my wife yell at me: "Shmeel, di schvantz, gye arup in gye tzi shil shoyn!" But I is divorcink many times my wife far der velfare when I was in Otisville and she not livink with me so how dis can be. Den I hear them yell at my neighbor the same but his name Kalman and nisht Shmeel. And it was 5 o clock and I never ask to be wake up before 10! And now, der gantze 13th Avenue stink and half my customers is not breathink anyway!"
"This is unbelievable! Here I am in Kew Gardens Hills, and this morning I heard someone rattling off all the names in the local phone book followed by: Time for Shul. I mean, really, Ramesh Patel, Time for Shul? And Ramesh probably lives in Jackson Heights. Now, what is this smoke? This is Kew Gardens Hills, but yesterday and today it might as well have been Creedmoor!
Of course, the source of this irritation is indeed in Creedmoor, where Dovid Schmoigerman, the highly entrepreneurial self appointed Rebbe of the 150 quintillion strong Chassidic community that is mysteriously registered to receive welfare and related benefits there had scammed residents of other, more existent New York communities to sign up for his "wake up service" which was to have assisted them in waking up for synagogue services.
Instead, according to sources at insurers Axa, Allstate, Aviva (which the Rebbe once refused to use because it was identical to a Zionist female given name), AEG, Fireman's Fund, Generali, and State Farm, the Admou"r simply hooked up machines which broadcast various loud recordings to area telephone poles that he had registered and insured as 50 story office buildings. After the first disastrous day of operations, the Rebbe simply burned down the poles, claiming that the resulting fires had destroyed not only his 50 story towers but also his lucrative wake-up services.
The affected companies, who cannot deny claims for fear of a discrimination case being launched against them by the highly litigious rabbi who is registered as mentally disabled and indeed legally resides at Creedmoor, are now applying for a Federal bailout once again so that they can pay out the latest spate of Schmoigerman claims. It is expected that NUT, the successor agency to ACORN, which cooperated with Schmoigerman to create enough identities to guarantee an Obama victory, will pay the claims with funds provided by George Tzuris, a well known Schmoigermanic, or Creedmoorer chossid, with the rest being generated by the US Treasury printing presses in the form of emergency welfare benefits, since Schmoigerman does not recognize US currency or much else when he is experiencing the mania that results from yet another successful arson job.
FAQ: Ecumenical Tefillin
BS"D
We are pleased to have received inquiries from madrassa students, psychiatric patients and prisoners from Waziristan to Michigan, and we are thankful to Rabbis Pashkvilkemacher and Schmoigerman for helping us answer the fine halachic points found on the questioners' heads:
1) Do you offer Hindu and Buddhist tefillin as well?
Sure. We offer a five in one set that includes a set of Hindu verses chosen by Shiv Sena activists in the tefillin shel regel smoili, and a picture of Buddha inside the tefillin shel regel yemini.
2) Do you sell spare retzuois?
Sure. However, the detonator retzuois for the shel rosh are usually single use only unless defective. If defective, we will provide new ones shipped direct to your place of detention or incarceration.
3) Whose hechsherim are available on the tefillin?
All tefillin are certified by the Rabbinical Board of Interfaith Understanding and Reconciliation, led by Sheikh Moussa al-Dib Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Mullah Omar. Actual verses are inspected by trained soifrim and explosives experts from Yeshiva veMidrassas Hamas veTaliban of Monsey, London and al-Qods as-Sharif.
4) Am I yotze mitzvas tefillin with only one shel yad?
If you ask that question, besser you should put on the shel rosh first and hit it hard, preferably in an open field or a very heavily insured warehouse in DUMBO.
We are pleased to have received inquiries from madrassa students, psychiatric patients and prisoners from Waziristan to Michigan, and we are thankful to Rabbis Pashkvilkemacher and Schmoigerman for helping us answer the fine halachic points found on the questioners' heads:
1) Do you offer Hindu and Buddhist tefillin as well?
Sure. We offer a five in one set that includes a set of Hindu verses chosen by Shiv Sena activists in the tefillin shel regel smoili, and a picture of Buddha inside the tefillin shel regel yemini.
2) Do you sell spare retzuois?
Sure. However, the detonator retzuois for the shel rosh are usually single use only unless defective. If defective, we will provide new ones shipped direct to your place of detention or incarceration.
3) Whose hechsherim are available on the tefillin?
All tefillin are certified by the Rabbinical Board of Interfaith Understanding and Reconciliation, led by Sheikh Moussa al-Dib Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Mullah Omar. Actual verses are inspected by trained soifrim and explosives experts from Yeshiva veMidrassas Hamas veTaliban of Monsey, London and al-Qods as-Sharif.
4) Am I yotze mitzvas tefillin with only one shel yad?
If you ask that question, besser you should put on the shel rosh first and hit it hard, preferably in an open field or a very heavily insured warehouse in DUMBO.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"
BS"D
Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:
1) Poshutim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.
Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.
Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.
2) Poshutim Mehudarim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.
Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.
Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!
3) Super Mehadrin
Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.
Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.
Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.
All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.
Prices:
Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Endorsed by:
Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden
Testimonials:
"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.
"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.
Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.
Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:
1) Poshutim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.
Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.
Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.
2) Poshutim Mehudarim
Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.
Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.
Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!
3) Super Mehadrin
Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.
Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.
Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.
All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.
Prices:
Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh
Endorsed by:
Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden
Testimonials:
"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.
"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.
Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
More Talking Behemas: Perek Shiras Creedmoor part 2
BS"D
And the amoeba sang: "Admou"r, your Chassidim do a better job than us when it comes to dancing on a pinhead, for they are truly as microscopic as a hundredth of a grain of sand, yet they all have names and get welfare, for so great are the deeds of our hyliger Admou"r!"
And the hippopotamus sang: "Admou"r, every time I look at your rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne, I sing shira to Hashem that there is at least one creature in this universe that is uglier and nastier than I am!"
And the Listeria bacterium sang: "Admou"r, thank you for selling so many of us in your new butcher shop!"
And the dodobird sang: "If you want America to go the way I did, re-elect Barack Obama in 2012"
And the jackass sang: "Hashem Hee Malkynee" way off tune in the streets of Teheran and the pathways of the Dehaishe refugee camp...
And the amoeba sang: "Admou"r, your Chassidim do a better job than us when it comes to dancing on a pinhead, for they are truly as microscopic as a hundredth of a grain of sand, yet they all have names and get welfare, for so great are the deeds of our hyliger Admou"r!"
And the hippopotamus sang: "Admou"r, every time I look at your rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne, I sing shira to Hashem that there is at least one creature in this universe that is uglier and nastier than I am!"
And the Listeria bacterium sang: "Admou"r, thank you for selling so many of us in your new butcher shop!"
And the dodobird sang: "If you want America to go the way I did, re-elect Barack Obama in 2012"
And the jackass sang: "Hashem Hee Malkynee" way off tune in the streets of Teheran and the pathways of the Dehaishe refugee camp...
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Perek Shira Creedmoor Style
BS"D
The Admou"r did not celebrate Purim last Sunday as he did not wish to offend Ahmadinejad, Ahron Cohen and others among his faithful Chassidim. Instead, he is beginning Purim today, which he probably thinks is Mardi Gras because in Creedmoor Sunday and Tuesday are both days when the Welfare Bank of Creedmoor is closed except for emergencies.
Today, he has issued a new version of Perek Shira, in which selected animals sing quite loudly and off tune. Here are the first of the forty creepy, crawly creatures to sing the praises of the Admou"r as they illustrate how one must act toward the government and insurance companies to be a real Creedmoorer:
And the rat sings: "If you have too many of me they won't certify your buildings for Section 8 so better you should just give me and my friends names and Social Security numbers so you sign us all up for welfare too!"
And the cockroach sings: "Even when you burn down your buildings, we survive, and we'll survive after Ahmadinejad blows up the rest of you poor schnooks!"
And the termite sings: "Let us breed and eat in peace because enough of us around and you won't have to burn down the house for insurance because it will fall down on its own!"
And the dog sings: "Admou"r, I am so happy you don't rent your vacant stores out to Korean restaurants because I value my life but I need to remind you from time to time that even in Creedmoor I am treyf!"
And the pig sings: "With the kashrus the way it is at your glatt shlachthoizen, you might as well knock me over the head and serve me at your daughter's chassune!"
And the stool pigeon sings the song of Solomon (Dwek): "I'll moiser my own mother for a month off my sentence, and my grandfather in der kever I'll moiser oichet if you let me off with probation and a fine for my multimillion dollar Ponzi scam!"
(more later in the week as we get ready for Creedmoorer Purim on April 1)
The Admou"r did not celebrate Purim last Sunday as he did not wish to offend Ahmadinejad, Ahron Cohen and others among his faithful Chassidim. Instead, he is beginning Purim today, which he probably thinks is Mardi Gras because in Creedmoor Sunday and Tuesday are both days when the Welfare Bank of Creedmoor is closed except for emergencies.
Today, he has issued a new version of Perek Shira, in which selected animals sing quite loudly and off tune. Here are the first of the forty creepy, crawly creatures to sing the praises of the Admou"r as they illustrate how one must act toward the government and insurance companies to be a real Creedmoorer:
And the rat sings: "If you have too many of me they won't certify your buildings for Section 8 so better you should just give me and my friends names and Social Security numbers so you sign us all up for welfare too!"
And the cockroach sings: "Even when you burn down your buildings, we survive, and we'll survive after Ahmadinejad blows up the rest of you poor schnooks!"
And the termite sings: "Let us breed and eat in peace because enough of us around and you won't have to burn down the house for insurance because it will fall down on its own!"
And the dog sings: "Admou"r, I am so happy you don't rent your vacant stores out to Korean restaurants because I value my life but I need to remind you from time to time that even in Creedmoor I am treyf!"
And the pig sings: "With the kashrus the way it is at your glatt shlachthoizen, you might as well knock me over the head and serve me at your daughter's chassune!"
And the stool pigeon sings the song of Solomon (Dwek): "I'll moiser my own mother for a month off my sentence, and my grandfather in der kever I'll moiser oichet if you let me off with probation and a fine for my multimillion dollar Ponzi scam!"
(more later in the week as we get ready for Creedmoorer Purim on April 1)
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Adar ain't over yet...
BS"D
so get ready for some new Creedmoor over the next week or so IYH!
The Admou"r apologizes for his recent absence as he has forged eleven hundred death certificates for his own very self in order to add twelve new waterbeds to his kever. He will indeed be back as soon as enough water is trucked in from Iran to fill the beds!
so get ready for some new Creedmoor over the next week or so IYH!
The Admou"r apologizes for his recent absence as he has forged eleven hundred death certificates for his own very self in order to add twelve new waterbeds to his kever. He will indeed be back as soon as enough water is trucked in from Iran to fill the beds!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Please Comment: Should I Go Back to One Blog?
BS"D
As you are probably aware, I am very erratic when it comes to updating Creedmoor. I am not a professional satirist, and because of the nature of this material I don't feel right monetizing this blog. Therefore, I do it in my (very) spare time and don't really have a plan or a system as to what I write or when.
Does anyone read the second blog (Toldois) or should I put the posts from there back up here and just write whatever I feel like writing whenever I have a chance, whether it is a new scam or a "yichus breef" (historical fiction and satire) post?
Please comment and let me know. You will be entered into a contest in which you can win four food stamps signed by the Admou"r himself and a coupon for "Porky Schmoiger's Kosher Pork Rinds" good at any shaitelmacher or shtreimel shop that accepts Czarist era EBT cards.
As you are probably aware, I am very erratic when it comes to updating Creedmoor. I am not a professional satirist, and because of the nature of this material I don't feel right monetizing this blog. Therefore, I do it in my (very) spare time and don't really have a plan or a system as to what I write or when.
Does anyone read the second blog (Toldois) or should I put the posts from there back up here and just write whatever I feel like writing whenever I have a chance, whether it is a new scam or a "yichus breef" (historical fiction and satire) post?
Please comment and let me know. You will be entered into a contest in which you can win four food stamps signed by the Admou"r himself and a coupon for "Porky Schmoiger's Kosher Pork Rinds" good at any shaitelmacher or shtreimel shop that accepts Czarist era EBT cards.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Finally: Ismail Daoud Weiss: Live and Uncut (hmm..is he an orel?)
BS"D
Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Imam Weiss.
IDW: The title please is Ayatollah. I was elevated to Ayatollah last year when I was in Iran. I used some of my IranAir mileage points but it was worth it.
Did you get smicha the same way?
IDW: Nisht azoy. I got it as a gift one year, mit a shuluch munis package.
What? You got smicha in a shuluch munis package? That explains your great scholarship and wise hashkofos!
IDW: Yes. Someone sent by me a package, a basket from kokosh cake, wine, a few screws, a can from corn, and a letter that say I have smicha from Yeshivas Timtum haLyve d'Bohack.
Bohack? This must have been ages ago! Bohack is out of business for decades now!
Sure. I get this smicha, I am 14 years old geven. Ahmadinejad, Haniyeh, Moishe Beck, Friedman der koifer before he went off fin der derech, they are all recognizing it?
Recognizing it for what? A Purim prank?
No!! The only smicha given by Yeshiva Waldbaum iz yodin yodin! I bring it the next day to myne yeshive, write on the certificate yodin yodin and I am gettink three rabbis to sign it. You are thinking someone else's smicha is any different? Really I did lern a shtickel in a madrassa near Atlantic Evenue last year..
What did you learn?
I learn where is Gaza and det it isn't a part fin Iran, it's a part fin Palestine, that is once occupied by the tzioinim.
So why did you choose now to go?
You know, it is such a pity. We just wasn't getting no news. Friedman, der rooshe, he left us behind, den instead the biggest menivel becomes some frenk, some real shtick Dwek, and den comes Tropper der Litvak. We are always wantink to be ahead when it is coming to getting our names in der nayes far beink outrageous..
And what did you think of Gaza?
Such a nice place, such tzniusdige beaches, all the women so covered up, such a place for me and my four chavyrim to hang out. We make Shabbos by the beach hotel but the rebbetzins dey cook far inz.
So whose cholent did you eat?
Rebbetzin Haniye 1 and Rebbetzin Haniye 2, Gnendel and Byle, I am meanink Amal which is the Hamaser Rov's older wife and cousin and whatever is de name from the other one, it is so hard to remember, they is jealous one from the other and they contest with each other to make the best cholent de way myne 2 froien Gnendel and Byle do. So one is making with the sheep meat, and the other mit de goat, both they is schected by Ahron who is not seeink straight no more which is meaning it is far away from Tzioinis and derfar der beste shechita. I am liking much better Amal's cholent but the other wife she has on a nicer veil.
You have two wives?
No, I am meanink my wife and myne tochter who is still at home. For me a wife, a tochter, der zelber zach, they must to stay veiled, and to cook and clean and to make me even food I am wanting at drye a zyger so I can have myne telephone-chavrusa mitten myne chavrusa in Iran when it is there late mornink and he is gettink up.
Who is your chavrusa?
A great doctor, he is responsible far all the Sharia emputations, you know, cuttink off der hentelach fin der tzioinim ganovim dorten. I think what he is feedink the hentelach to der lybe in der zoo but maybe we eat det in the Persian cholent is servink us inzerer hosts too.
And what about the Iranian cholent? Was it Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad's cholent?
Well, you are knowink det until he do tshive to get attention again, Mahmoudele's second wife iz geven Moishe Aryeh, I mean Moussa Assad oder affn Farsish Moussa Aslan Freakman but he is not knowink how to cook so we are havink cholent from his wife Azam, which is not so good, full from beans and dat is no good because we are lettink off too much hot air and is not fill from it enough. Really it is tastink bed and maybe is really gemacht mit der hentelach dat is choppink off fin the ganovim. Probably is making det recipe Freakman and Azam is not knowink no better how to feed Ingarisher hymisher guests and she use it she not knowink what iz in her fridge, I mean her ice box, because she not read too good.
Actually Moussa Assad, he insulted so much Azam, Azam Farahi s'iz Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, she just farshtayt nisht det he such how you say, a flyweight, he kent eat no more den drye spoonfuls fin chulent. So efter det she is also findink out he is havink affair mit her husband, and you know, all Gehennim is breakink loose, so Moussa'le, so Friedman, det shygetz, det idyot, he is becomink a tzioini all because he is engry from Azam. So sexadige dis Azam, mit her bedsheet even to cover der aygeloch, so I am understendink why Moussa so disappointed, but tzi geven a tzioini, det mean he go to Gehennim all fin der life, all over a love-trienkle!
And what about kiddush?
..You are wantink to know who is making kiddish and mit vus? Mahmoud, he let Ahron make far allemen, but Ismail, he is motzi us all mit a gless benzine. He say det he verkink on a new kind fin benzine det hiz hyliger suicide bombers ken trinkn and den dey setz demselves off. I say I am wantink to try dis for myne side business arsonizink old varehoizen in Sprink Velley but he say no, you blow yourself up too mit dis.
Thank you Ayatollah Ismail Daoud; I think we have heard enough from you for a while. See you after your next visit to Terroristan and we'll give you all the attention you deserve once again.
Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Imam Weiss.
IDW: The title please is Ayatollah. I was elevated to Ayatollah last year when I was in Iran. I used some of my IranAir mileage points but it was worth it.
Did you get smicha the same way?
IDW: Nisht azoy. I got it as a gift one year, mit a shuluch munis package.
What? You got smicha in a shuluch munis package? That explains your great scholarship and wise hashkofos!
IDW: Yes. Someone sent by me a package, a basket from kokosh cake, wine, a few screws, a can from corn, and a letter that say I have smicha from Yeshivas Timtum haLyve d'Bohack.
Bohack? This must have been ages ago! Bohack is out of business for decades now!
Sure. I get this smicha, I am 14 years old geven. Ahmadinejad, Haniyeh, Moishe Beck, Friedman der koifer before he went off fin der derech, they are all recognizing it?
Recognizing it for what? A Purim prank?
No!! The only smicha given by Yeshiva Waldbaum iz yodin yodin! I bring it the next day to myne yeshive, write on the certificate yodin yodin and I am gettink three rabbis to sign it. You are thinking someone else's smicha is any different? Really I did lern a shtickel in a madrassa near Atlantic Evenue last year..
What did you learn?
I learn where is Gaza and det it isn't a part fin Iran, it's a part fin Palestine, that is once occupied by the tzioinim.
So why did you choose now to go?
You know, it is such a pity. We just wasn't getting no news. Friedman, der rooshe, he left us behind, den instead the biggest menivel becomes some frenk, some real shtick Dwek, and den comes Tropper der Litvak. We are always wantink to be ahead when it is coming to getting our names in der nayes far beink outrageous..
And what did you think of Gaza?
Such a nice place, such tzniusdige beaches, all the women so covered up, such a place for me and my four chavyrim to hang out. We make Shabbos by the beach hotel but the rebbetzins dey cook far inz.
So whose cholent did you eat?
Rebbetzin Haniye 1 and Rebbetzin Haniye 2, Gnendel and Byle, I am meanink Amal which is the Hamaser Rov's older wife and cousin and whatever is de name from the other one, it is so hard to remember, they is jealous one from the other and they contest with each other to make the best cholent de way myne 2 froien Gnendel and Byle do. So one is making with the sheep meat, and the other mit de goat, both they is schected by Ahron who is not seeink straight no more which is meaning it is far away from Tzioinis and derfar der beste shechita. I am liking much better Amal's cholent but the other wife she has on a nicer veil.
You have two wives?
No, I am meanink my wife and myne tochter who is still at home. For me a wife, a tochter, der zelber zach, they must to stay veiled, and to cook and clean and to make me even food I am wanting at drye a zyger so I can have myne telephone-chavrusa mitten myne chavrusa in Iran when it is there late mornink and he is gettink up.
Who is your chavrusa?
A great doctor, he is responsible far all the Sharia emputations, you know, cuttink off der hentelach fin der tzioinim ganovim dorten. I think what he is feedink the hentelach to der lybe in der zoo but maybe we eat det in the Persian cholent is servink us inzerer hosts too.
And what about the Iranian cholent? Was it Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad's cholent?
Well, you are knowink det until he do tshive to get attention again, Mahmoudele's second wife iz geven Moishe Aryeh, I mean Moussa Assad oder affn Farsish Moussa Aslan Freakman but he is not knowink how to cook so we are havink cholent from his wife Azam, which is not so good, full from beans and dat is no good because we are lettink off too much hot air and is not fill from it enough. Really it is tastink bed and maybe is really gemacht mit der hentelach dat is choppink off fin the ganovim. Probably is making det recipe Freakman and Azam is not knowink no better how to feed Ingarisher hymisher guests and she use it she not knowink what iz in her fridge, I mean her ice box, because she not read too good.
Actually Moussa Assad, he insulted so much Azam, Azam Farahi s'iz Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, she just farshtayt nisht det he such how you say, a flyweight, he kent eat no more den drye spoonfuls fin chulent. So efter det she is also findink out he is havink affair mit her husband, and you know, all Gehennim is breakink loose, so Moussa'le, so Friedman, det shygetz, det idyot, he is becomink a tzioini all because he is engry from Azam. So sexadige dis Azam, mit her bedsheet even to cover der aygeloch, so I am understendink why Moussa so disappointed, but tzi geven a tzioini, det mean he go to Gehennim all fin der life, all over a love-trienkle!
And what about kiddush?
..You are wantink to know who is making kiddish and mit vus? Mahmoud, he let Ahron make far allemen, but Ismail, he is motzi us all mit a gless benzine. He say det he verkink on a new kind fin benzine det hiz hyliger suicide bombers ken trinkn and den dey setz demselves off. I say I am wantink to try dis for myne side business arsonizink old varehoizen in Sprink Velley but he say no, you blow yourself up too mit dis.
Thank you Ayatollah Ismail Daoud; I think we have heard enough from you for a while. See you after your next visit to Terroristan and we'll give you all the attention you deserve once again.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Admour meCreedmoor: My padded incoherent republic is a nuclear state
BS"D
Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.
Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.
While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.
Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.
This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.
The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.
Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.
Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.
Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.
While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.
Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.
This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.
The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.
Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Please check out our Toldois blog for important news
BS"D
http://toldois.blogspot.com/2010/02/finally-schmoigerman-dynasty-traced-to.html
Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.
We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.
http://toldois.blogspot.com/2010/02/finally-schmoigerman-dynasty-traced-to.html
Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.
We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction
BS"D
Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.
The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.
All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.
The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.
Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.
We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.
We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.
This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.
We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.
Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.
The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.
All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.
The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.
Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.
We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.
We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.
This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.
We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
We will return in time for Purim
BS"D
I am extending my break to come up with new material as I attend to important personal and professional activities. I will be back in time for Purim; I have no intention of closing the blog.
See you soon!
Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher FACPS (Fellow of the American College of Practitioners of Sociopathy)
I am extending my break to come up with new material as I attend to important personal and professional activities. I will be back in time for Purim; I have no intention of closing the blog.
See you soon!
Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher FACPS (Fellow of the American College of Practitioners of Sociopathy)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
We'll be back by 15 Shvat
BS"D
I am taking at least a one week break from Creedmoor as before we know it Purim will be here, and in Adar I plan to update almost daily.
At the very latest, the next update will be 15 Shvat (preparing one month before the chag). If I have time before then, I will at least move the yichus and history posts from here to Toldois Creedmoor and edit them so that they form a sort of parody of an Artscroll style history/biography.
In addition, I hope to record a couple of Creedmoor audio skits as well as to introduce "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona" in time for Purim. Rabbi Itzhak Arnona is the Rav of Gehennom and he will be sharing his secrets about just what goes on in Gehennom, and when he tells you about what goes on down there, you will be only too happy to purchase his many segooolot for avoiding eternity in the boiler room. Hmmm..could this have to do with boiler room scams? Considering Rav Arnona is a Creedmoorer deluxe, one can only surmise...
See you soon!
I am taking at least a one week break from Creedmoor as before we know it Purim will be here, and in Adar I plan to update almost daily.
At the very latest, the next update will be 15 Shvat (preparing one month before the chag). If I have time before then, I will at least move the yichus and history posts from here to Toldois Creedmoor and edit them so that they form a sort of parody of an Artscroll style history/biography.
In addition, I hope to record a couple of Creedmoor audio skits as well as to introduce "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona" in time for Purim. Rabbi Itzhak Arnona is the Rav of Gehennom and he will be sharing his secrets about just what goes on in Gehennom, and when he tells you about what goes on down there, you will be only too happy to purchase his many segooolot for avoiding eternity in the boiler room. Hmmm..could this have to do with boiler room scams? Considering Rav Arnona is a Creedmoorer deluxe, one can only surmise...
See you soon!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Admou"r meCreedmoor Considering Participation in Exorcism
BS"D
Pursuant to reports of a dybbuk inhabiting the body and soul of a Brazilian yungermann who has flown to the Zionist medine in order to undergo hitherto unsuccessful exorcism treatments, it is rumored that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has offered his services to assist in removing said dybbuk.
At present the Admou"r is organizing a minyan of his own multiple personalities to perform a pulsa denura debitucha, which is a ceremony that places a curse on a person or dybbuk and symbolically burns it along with its dwelling place. Since no one can be sure where a dybbuk actually dwells, the Admou"r ensures the success of the ceremony by making sure the pulsa denura is carried out in a heavily insured warehouse belonging to a struggling businessman who has deeded the building over to the Admou"r's gemach in exchange for perhaps a hundred food stamps and a pound of galle. Then, the insurance proceeds are claimed rapidly and just as soon wired to the Admou"r's tzedoko funds in Luxembourg lezecher hadybbuk.
Should this fail, the Admou"r will request that the affected party fly to him on Pluto, where he will promise the dybbuk a Section 8 apartment in the heart of Schnooro Park if he agrees to leave his host and jump into the Admou"r's Schnorro Park-Willyburg-Monskey-Pluto shuttle.
Pursuant to reports of a dybbuk inhabiting the body and soul of a Brazilian yungermann who has flown to the Zionist medine in order to undergo hitherto unsuccessful exorcism treatments, it is rumored that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has offered his services to assist in removing said dybbuk.
At present the Admou"r is organizing a minyan of his own multiple personalities to perform a pulsa denura debitucha, which is a ceremony that places a curse on a person or dybbuk and symbolically burns it along with its dwelling place. Since no one can be sure where a dybbuk actually dwells, the Admou"r ensures the success of the ceremony by making sure the pulsa denura is carried out in a heavily insured warehouse belonging to a struggling businessman who has deeded the building over to the Admou"r's gemach in exchange for perhaps a hundred food stamps and a pound of galle. Then, the insurance proceeds are claimed rapidly and just as soon wired to the Admou"r's tzedoko funds in Luxembourg lezecher hadybbuk.
Should this fail, the Admou"r will request that the affected party fly to him on Pluto, where he will promise the dybbuk a Section 8 apartment in the heart of Schnooro Park if he agrees to leave his host and jump into the Admou"r's Schnorro Park-Willyburg-Monskey-Pluto shuttle.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
The rest is coming soon
BS"D
Something urgent came up and I won't be Creedmooring anymore tonight. Instead, updates will be posted between tomorrow and Sunday as time permits.
Something urgent came up and I won't be Creedmooring anymore tonight. Instead, updates will be posted between tomorrow and Sunday as time permits.
A New Creedmoor Play: "When Mohammed Meets Moishe" (somewhat sick stuff)
BS"D
The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:
When Mohammed Meets Moishe!
Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".
After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.
When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.
At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.
When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.
Excerpts include:
"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"
"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"
Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.
The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.
The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:
When Mohammed Meets Moishe!
Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".
After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.
When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.
At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.
When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.
Excerpts include:
"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"
"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"
Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.
The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.
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