FAQ: Ecumenical Tefillin

BS"D

We are pleased to have received inquiries from madrassa students, psychiatric patients and prisoners from Waziristan to Michigan, and we are thankful to Rabbis Pashkvilkemacher and Schmoigerman for helping us answer the fine halachic points found on the questioners' heads:

1) Do you offer Hindu and Buddhist tefillin as well?

Sure. We offer a five in one set that includes a set of Hindu verses chosen by Shiv Sena activists in the tefillin shel regel smoili, and a picture of Buddha inside the tefillin shel regel yemini.

2) Do you sell spare retzuois?

Sure. However, the detonator retzuois for the shel rosh are usually single use only unless defective. If defective, we will provide new ones shipped direct to your place of detention or incarceration.

3) Whose hechsherim are available on the tefillin?

All tefillin are certified by the Rabbinical Board of Interfaith Understanding and Reconciliation, led by Sheikh Moussa al-Dib Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Mullah Omar. Actual verses are inspected by trained soifrim and explosives experts from Yeshiva veMidrassas Hamas veTaliban of Monsey, London and al-Qods as-Sharif.

4) Am I yotze mitzvas tefillin with only one shel yad?

If you ask that question, besser you should put on the shel rosh first and hit it hard, preferably in an open field or a very heavily insured warehouse in DUMBO.

Another sponsor message: "Ecumenical Tefillin Center"

BS"D

Now, you can get special deals on our "Ecumenical Tefillin" that are meant to transcend the confines of sectarianism and bring about world peace. Written by scribes from each of the major monotheistic religions, these three box sets (right arm, left arm, and head) are available in three choices of size and quality:

1) Poshutim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross" and "How to conduct a successful Pulsa deNura using simple household goods" written by Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar-Neturei Karta when he is somewhat lucid. Written on the back of cheques sent to Hirsch by his rav muvhak Yasser Arafat over the years.

Left Arm: Mistranslated phrases from Isaiah written by Mel Gibson on the back of chewing gum wrappers.

Head: "Itbach al-Yahud" written in Pig Latin and Yiddish by Creedmoor reject Youssef al-Khattab (ne Joey Kaplan) of Tetouan, Morocco. Also includes 20 grams of powdered explosives, enough to blow up a small van or two to five pedestrians. Straps are made of polyester fuse material which must be lit in order to discharge explosives.

2) Poshutim Mehudarim

Right Arm: "Shygetz Aross, Shiksa Arann" written by your choice of Yishmoel Dovid Weiss or Leib Tropper. "Zionism and Judaism are Diametrically Opposed", written by a ShaBaK plant who knows how to spell "diametrically". Verses from "Zeyr a kitzur shulchan aruch, choishen mishpat" written by members of the Otisville Federal Koilel 2-5 year program. Paper is your choice of Otisville asher yotzor papier or the back of cigarette packages.

Left Arm: "What to do in the John at 3:14", a learned perush on the yoshke sefer by the one and only Pat Buchanan, written on the back of an old issue of Henry Ford's The Dearborn Independent.

Head: "Jews are Apes and Swine", an Islamischer niggun written by Sheikh Omar abdul Rahman on real lambskin. Also includes 350 grams of undetectible plasticine explosives, enough to blow up a normal size bus or claim up to 50 victims in a mall or similar location. Includes an Egyptian made mini grenade launcher for that quick and painless detonation that sends you right up to your 71 virgins!

3) Super Mehadrin

Right Arm: Our favorite soifer Sholam Weiss spends his free time copying over his own indictment sheet onto real Federal issue asher yotzor papier, and since he writes slowly and painfully, he only issues 50 such klafim a year. One of these is selected and put into your shel yad yemin by our expert batim machers.

Left Arm: A piece of the Shroud of Turin, lovingly made in Guangzhou, China, and imprinted with both a picture of yoshke and the sign of the cross, accompanied by all other texts mentioned above.

Head: Once you reach the mehadrin level in Islam, you need not have anything in your shel rosh other than 500 grams of the best explosives available in the world, and a key to Heaven, made of the finest plastic that Malaysia has to offer. Our Shel Rosh detonates automatically once you recite the fatwa against Salman Rushdie by the ayatollahs of Iran followed by reciting Itbah al-Yahud while standing on your head. Note that the retzuos strap across the waist where they hold another kilo of explosives concealed in a velvet tallis bag.

All batim are neon pink and lime green and have a Jewish star on one side, a cross on the other, and a giant red crescent dominating the entire bayis. We guarantee that all materials used are made according to free trade, vegan, organic and halal standards. No animals were killed in the making of these tefillin, which carry the EcoKashrus seal as well as the PETA seal of approval. We sell these tefillin with the express understanding that the shel rosh not be affixed to any animal or detonated within 500 yards of an endangered species.

Prices:

Poshutim: 300 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Ayatollah Khomeini upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Poshutim Mehudarim: 600 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to Yasser Arafat upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Mehadrin: 10000 Iranian toman. We guarantee you a place in Heaven next to the prophet Muhammad himself upon successful detonation of the Shel Rosh

Endorsed by:

Yishmoel Daoud Weiss
Moussa al-Dib Beck
Yishmoel as-Sabih ne Yisroel Hirsch
Youssef al-Khattab
Mel Gibson
Pat Buchanan
Louis Farrakhan
Al Sharpton
Ismail Haniye
Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez
the Castro brothers
PETA
Kim Jong-il
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Michael Lerner
Adam Gadahn
Richard Reid
Zacarias Moussaoui
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Mullah Omar
Osama bin Laden

Testimonials:

"Wallak, ya habibi, it's hot down here! And the girls are uglier than Zionist swine!" Ahmed Yassir Hussein, formerly of Gaza, detonated a Mehadrin Shel Rosh as part of a training program for his fellow Hamas warriors, injuring no one but sending himself straight off to his eternal reward because he misunderstood the instructions (written in kindergarten level Arabic) and installed the Shel Rosh deeply bass ackwards.

"This will bring about true understanding of the Zionist menace and the peaceful and noble nature of Islam": Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"A true and noble attempt to transcend the separatism and sectarianism of ancient and outmoded Judaism and bring about true peace between all of humankind" Michael Ihaventlearned, Lo Takin magazine.

Available at your local mosque, from Westboro Baptist Church or Saddle River Road Jihad Center in Monsey. We invite all Klansmen, Ku Klux and Neturei alike, to become distributors of our tefillin sets.

More Talking Behemas: Perek Shiras Creedmoor part 2

BS"D

And the amoeba sang: "Admou"r, your Chassidim do a better job than us when it comes to dancing on a pinhead, for they are truly as microscopic as a hundredth of a grain of sand, yet they all have names and get welfare, for so great are the deeds of our hyliger Admou"r!"

And the hippopotamus sang: "Admou"r, every time I look at your rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne, I sing shira to Hashem that there is at least one creature in this universe that is uglier and nastier than I am!"

And the Listeria bacterium sang: "Admou"r, thank you for selling so many of us in your new butcher shop!"

And the dodobird sang: "If you want America to go the way I did, re-elect Barack Obama in 2012"

And the jackass sang: "Hashem Hee Malkynee" way off tune in the streets of Teheran and the pathways of the Dehaishe refugee camp...

Perek Shira Creedmoor Style

BS"D

The Admou"r did not celebrate Purim last Sunday as he did not wish to offend Ahmadinejad, Ahron Cohen and others among his faithful Chassidim. Instead, he is beginning Purim today, which he probably thinks is Mardi Gras because in Creedmoor Sunday and Tuesday are both days when the Welfare Bank of Creedmoor is closed except for emergencies.

Today, he has issued a new version of Perek Shira, in which selected animals sing quite loudly and off tune. Here are the first of the forty creepy, crawly creatures to sing the praises of the Admou"r as they illustrate how one must act toward the government and insurance companies to be a real Creedmoorer:

And the rat sings: "If you have too many of me they won't certify your buildings for Section 8 so better you should just give me and my friends names and Social Security numbers so you sign us all up for welfare too!"

And the cockroach sings: "Even when you burn down your buildings, we survive, and we'll survive after Ahmadinejad blows up the rest of you poor schnooks!"

And the termite sings: "Let us breed and eat in peace because enough of us around and you won't have to burn down the house for insurance because it will fall down on its own!"

And the dog sings: "Admou"r, I am so happy you don't rent your vacant stores out to Korean restaurants because I value my life but I need to remind you from time to time that even in Creedmoor I am treyf!"

And the pig sings: "With the kashrus the way it is at your glatt shlachthoizen, you might as well knock me over the head and serve me at your daughter's chassune!"

And the stool pigeon sings the song of Solomon (Dwek): "I'll moiser my own mother for a month off my sentence, and my grandfather in der kever I'll moiser oichet if you let me off with probation and a fine for my multimillion dollar Ponzi scam!"

(more later in the week as we get ready for Creedmoorer Purim on April 1)

Adar ain't over yet...

BS"D

so get ready for some new Creedmoor over the next week or so IYH!

The Admou"r apologizes for his recent absence as he has forged eleven hundred death certificates for his own very self in order to add twelve new waterbeds to his kever. He will indeed be back as soon as enough water is trucked in from Iran to fill the beds!

Please Comment: Should I Go Back to One Blog?

BS"D

As you are probably aware, I am very erratic when it comes to updating Creedmoor. I am not a professional satirist, and because of the nature of this material I don't feel right monetizing this blog. Therefore, I do it in my (very) spare time and don't really have a plan or a system as to what I write or when.

Does anyone read the second blog (Toldois) or should I put the posts from there back up here and just write whatever I feel like writing whenever I have a chance, whether it is a new scam or a "yichus breef" (historical fiction and satire) post?

Please comment and let me know. You will be entered into a contest in which you can win four food stamps signed by the Admou"r himself and a coupon for "Porky Schmoiger's Kosher Pork Rinds" good at any shaitelmacher or shtreimel shop that accepts Czarist era EBT cards.

Finally: Ismail Daoud Weiss: Live and Uncut (hmm..is he an orel?)

BS"D

Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Imam Weiss.

IDW: The title please is Ayatollah. I was elevated to Ayatollah last year when I was in Iran. I used some of my IranAir mileage points but it was worth it.

Did you get smicha the same way?

IDW: Nisht azoy. I got it as a gift one year, mit a shuluch munis package.

What? You got smicha in a shuluch munis package? That explains your great scholarship and wise hashkofos!

IDW: Yes. Someone sent by me a package, a basket from kokosh cake, wine, a few screws, a can from corn, and a letter that say I have smicha from Yeshivas Timtum haLyve d'Bohack.

Bohack? This must have been ages ago! Bohack is out of business for decades now!

Sure. I get this smicha, I am 14 years old geven. Ahmadinejad, Haniyeh, Moishe Beck, Friedman der koifer before he went off fin der derech, they are all recognizing it?

Recognizing it for what? A Purim prank?

No!! The only smicha given by Yeshiva Waldbaum iz yodin yodin! I bring it the next day to myne yeshive, write on the certificate yodin yodin and I am gettink three rabbis to sign it. You are thinking someone else's smicha is any different? Really I did lern a shtickel in a madrassa near Atlantic Evenue last year..

What did you learn?

I learn where is Gaza and det it isn't a part fin Iran, it's a part fin Palestine, that is once occupied by the tzioinim.

So why did you choose now to go?

You know, it is such a pity. We just wasn't getting no news. Friedman, der rooshe, he left us behind, den instead the biggest menivel becomes some frenk, some real shtick Dwek, and den comes Tropper der Litvak. We are always wantink to be ahead when it is coming to getting our names in der nayes far beink outrageous..

And what did you think of Gaza?

Such a nice place, such tzniusdige beaches, all the women so covered up, such a place for me and my four chavyrim to hang out. We make Shabbos by the beach hotel but the rebbetzins dey cook far inz.

So whose cholent did you eat?

Rebbetzin Haniye 1 and Rebbetzin Haniye 2, Gnendel and Byle, I am meanink Amal which is the Hamaser Rov's older wife and cousin and whatever is de name from the other one, it is so hard to remember, they is jealous one from the other and they contest with each other to make the best cholent de way myne 2 froien Gnendel and Byle do. So one is making with the sheep meat, and the other mit de goat, both they is schected by Ahron who is not seeink straight no more which is meaning it is far away from Tzioinis and derfar der beste shechita. I am liking much better Amal's cholent but the other wife she has on a nicer veil.

You have two wives?

No, I am meanink my wife and myne tochter who is still at home. For me a wife, a tochter, der zelber zach, they must to stay veiled, and to cook and clean and to make me even food I am wanting at drye a zyger so I can have myne telephone-chavrusa mitten myne chavrusa in Iran when it is there late mornink and he is gettink up.

Who is your chavrusa?

A great doctor, he is responsible far all the Sharia emputations, you know, cuttink off der hentelach fin der tzioinim ganovim dorten. I think what he is feedink the hentelach to der lybe in der zoo but maybe we eat det in the Persian cholent is servink us inzerer hosts too.

And what about the Iranian cholent? Was it Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad's cholent?

Well, you are knowink det until he do tshive to get attention again, Mahmoudele's second wife iz geven Moishe Aryeh, I mean Moussa Assad oder affn Farsish Moussa Aslan Freakman but he is not knowink how to cook so we are havink cholent from his wife Azam, which is not so good, full from beans and dat is no good because we are lettink off too much hot air and is not fill from it enough. Really it is tastink bed and maybe is really gemacht mit der hentelach dat is choppink off fin the ganovim. Probably is making det recipe Freakman and Azam is not knowink no better how to feed Ingarisher hymisher guests and she use it she not knowink what iz in her fridge, I mean her ice box, because she not read too good.

Actually Moussa Assad, he insulted so much Azam, Azam Farahi s'iz Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, she just farshtayt nisht det he such how you say, a flyweight, he kent eat no more den drye spoonfuls fin chulent. So efter det she is also findink out he is havink affair mit her husband, and you know, all Gehennim is breakink loose, so Moussa'le, so Friedman, det shygetz, det idyot, he is becomink a tzioini all because he is engry from Azam. So sexadige dis Azam, mit her bedsheet even to cover der aygeloch, so I am understendink why Moussa so disappointed, but tzi geven a tzioini, det mean he go to Gehennim all fin der life, all over a love-trienkle!

And what about kiddush?

..You are wantink to know who is making kiddish and mit vus? Mahmoud, he let Ahron make far allemen, but Ismail, he is motzi us all mit a gless benzine. He say det he verkink on a new kind fin benzine det hiz hyliger suicide bombers ken trinkn and den dey setz demselves off. I say I am wantink to try dis for myne side business arsonizink old varehoizen in Sprink Velley but he say no, you blow yourself up too mit dis.

Thank you Ayatollah Ismail Daoud; I think we have heard enough from you for a while. See you after your next visit to Terroristan and we'll give you all the attention you deserve once again.

Admour meCreedmoor: My padded incoherent republic is a nuclear state

BS"D

Tiny Creedmoor, a barely recognized and even less recognizable mini-state consisting of a renegade rebbe and his 150 quintillion phantom followers, has joined the nuclear family.

Following the atomic announcement by madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, one of the few world leaders who recognizes the little entity located in a disused padded cell, Creedmoor leader Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has proclaimed that he, too, has nuclear material and is ready to use it in the struggle for human welfare and the end of the Zionist regime.

While the United Nations Committee for the Perpetuation of the Palestinian Plight has indeed confirmed that it has sponsored its ally Creedmoor (formally The Independent Anti-Zionist State of Baseless Hatred of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of The Holy Congregation of Creedmoor) for entry into the nuclear club, the question remains as to just what kind of nuclear material the state of feigned psychosis and even more feigned personalities possesses.

Apparently, the nuclear status has to do with a new venture started by the congregation in order to obtain kosher food that meets its rather insane standards of having no contact with Zionism. The Admou"r, as Rabbi Schmoigerman is known, decided to breed a new animal in a place where nary a beast would dare venture, namely the area surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in Belarus. There, he has used mutant DNA including his own to create a new species, a cross between a rat and a pig, which is known in Chernobylese as the Ratushnyak (from rat, tush and paskudnyak) and has been given the Latin designation of Ratus paskudnyus.

This creature, which weighs 165 pounds to 195 pounds at misconception and reaches an addled weight of 1145 pounds at slaughter, is irradiated with as many as 20 rads of radiation. Therefore, when exported to Creedmoor or let loose anywhere else, it becomes "a lebedige atoomische bombe" (a live atom bomb) as the Admou'r says.

The Admou"r plans to train it to eat underground cables in such a way as to ensure that all banking transactions which he conducts from his underground bunker (known as a kever) can never be intercepted by US authorities. Should he be caught, he will simply let law enforcement know that he is the recognized leader of an independent republic which has nuclear weapons, and once anyone who tries to invade the bunker sees the Ratushnyaki, he will know there is clearly atomic material in the bunker.

Then again, anyone who has seen the tin foil clad Schmoigerman instantly suspects that he, too, is the product of some nuclear accident and subsequent attempt at anti-eugenics.

Please check out our Toldois blog for important news

BS"D

http://toldois.blogspot.com/2010/02/finally-schmoigerman-dynasty-traced-to.html

Indeed, the Admou'r meCreedmoor is descended from a profiteer who restored the glory of the destroyed Sdom and Amorah as best he could, from a little restaurant and inn which was located in the salty no-go zone that developed after Churban Sdom (which is mourned by Creedmoorer Chassidim in a special set of kinois that are recited on 5 Iyar along with the kinois for Yom Ha'Atzmaois.

We will be back with the latest Creedmoorer news as soon as we locate the Admou"r who is either buried in the air conditioned platinum vault of his deluxe kever or flying high with his Alcatraz Rebbetzin somewhere between Pluto and Jupiter as he files several death reports so as to claim "peyger'n gelt" also known as death benefits and term life insurance payoffs.

Moisdois Creedmoor Annual Nigerian Auction

BS"D

Tomorrow, January 33 2010 (6798 Av 5708) will mark an unprecedented event in the annals of fundraising greed and deceit. That is because Moisdois Creedmoor - Khal Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor - will present its first annual Nigerian Auction.

The Nigerian Auction differs from its Chinese cousins in that all prizes are purchased with an advance fee rather than bid on with tickets. There are only winners in the Nigerian Auction, because upon payment of an advance fee of 20,000 dollars you are able to pick a slip out of a box. This slip is marked with the name of your contact in Nigeria, Sierra Leone or Congo and has the amount which you will be given now that your advance fee has gone to obtain permission to withdraw money from an account that is so secret that you may then be asked to either fly to Africa or to advance another token sum in order to meet your most noble benefactor and get your share of his most noble loot.

All monies raised are intended for the renovation of the kever of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, where he sleeps every night in order to guard his reserves of platinum and palladium that he has amassed so as to hold the US and EU hostage should they prosecute him for his entitlement program shenanigans.

The auction is sponsored by Incarceration and Defalcation Trust Ltd, the world's largest syndicator of advance fee and Ponzi investment programs. Bernie, Scott and Solomon of IDTrust have opened a new mutual fund in which they syndicate a number of African investment programs so as to split both risk and reward.

Armed with sifrei yochsin for each Nigerian prince going back to his ancestor Cham ben Noiach, the principals of Incarceration and Defalcation Trust are the only brokers licenced under article 419 of the Nigerian Securities and Investment Act to provide brokerage services to nobility and generals who need to raise money under this most honored public investment scheme. Our Nigerian Financial Explosion Fund selects only the most implausible 419 investment proposals and obtains money from former Ponzi scheme participants to make the dreams of these princes, princesses and widows a reality. The IDTrust Sierra Leone Fund specializes in similar investments meant to bring financial reward to functionally illiterate internet cafe users who prefer to state that they are from beleaguered Sierra Leone. All IDTrust funds are approved by the Serious Fraud Office of the United Kingdom, the FBI, and Interpol, which are very familiar with the operations of our funds as well as the opportunities in which we invest your hard earned money on behalf of ourselves and our partners.

We of Anshei Domim veMirmo d'Creedmoor are very proud to partner with the Incarceration and Defalcation Trust to make this first Nigerian Auction a reality, and we especially welcome Master of Ceremonies Prince Nmaflakassa Mkosuko (men's auction) and Mistress of Ceremonies Rebbetzin Mirel Abacha (women's auction) who will be leading this auction and all of its participants quickly astray.

We also are proud to announce two different "Split the Pot" grand prizes. The main prize is "Split the Cholent Pot," in which one lucky winner will have the chance to split open an earthenware pot of the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin's goat and cat cholent and eat whatever falls to the floor. The second, which is geared to our more spiritual young people, is "Split the Hawaiian Pot," in which a lucky winner gets to share a whole hookah full of Hawaiian weed with the Admou"r himself, followed by a yechidus with the Admou"r in his private mikveh.

This is an evening not to be missed, unless you yourself are incarcerated and cannot obtain a furlough. It will be held in the D-Ward Great Padded Hall at 9 pm tomorrow, 33 January 2010.

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept EBT or food stamps for this event as we need to convert our fees into Nigerian naira. We therefore accept only Saudi riyal, Iranian toman, anti-Zionist EURO or Londonistan Pounds.

We will return in time for Purim

BS"D

I am extending my break to come up with new material as I attend to important personal and professional activities. I will be back in time for Purim; I have no intention of closing the blog.

See you soon!

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher FACPS (Fellow of the American College of Practitioners of Sociopathy)

We'll be back by 15 Shvat

BS"D

I am taking at least a one week break from Creedmoor as before we know it Purim will be here, and in Adar I plan to update almost daily.

At the very latest, the next update will be 15 Shvat (preparing one month before the chag). If I have time before then, I will at least move the yichus and history posts from here to Toldois Creedmoor and edit them so that they form a sort of parody of an Artscroll style history/biography.

In addition, I hope to record a couple of Creedmoor audio skits as well as to introduce "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona" in time for Purim. Rabbi Itzhak Arnona is the Rav of Gehennom and he will be sharing his secrets about just what goes on in Gehennom, and when he tells you about what goes on down there, you will be only too happy to purchase his many segooolot for avoiding eternity in the boiler room. Hmmm..could this have to do with boiler room scams? Considering Rav Arnona is a Creedmoorer deluxe, one can only surmise...

See you soon!

Admou"r meCreedmoor Considering Participation in Exorcism

BS"D

Pursuant to reports of a dybbuk inhabiting the body and soul of a Brazilian yungermann who has flown to the Zionist medine in order to undergo hitherto unsuccessful exorcism treatments, it is rumored that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has offered his services to assist in removing said dybbuk.

At present the Admou"r is organizing a minyan of his own multiple personalities to perform a pulsa denura debitucha, which is a ceremony that places a curse on a person or dybbuk and symbolically burns it along with its dwelling place. Since no one can be sure where a dybbuk actually dwells, the Admou"r ensures the success of the ceremony by making sure the pulsa denura is carried out in a heavily insured warehouse belonging to a struggling businessman who has deeded the building over to the Admou"r's gemach in exchange for perhaps a hundred food stamps and a pound of galle. Then, the insurance proceeds are claimed rapidly and just as soon wired to the Admou"r's tzedoko funds in Luxembourg lezecher hadybbuk.

Should this fail, the Admou"r will request that the affected party fly to him on Pluto, where he will promise the dybbuk a Section 8 apartment in the heart of Schnooro Park if he agrees to leave his host and jump into the Admou"r's Schnorro Park-Willyburg-Monskey-Pluto shuttle.

The rest is coming soon

BS"D

Something urgent came up and I won't be Creedmooring anymore tonight. Instead, updates will be posted between tomorrow and Sunday as time permits.

A New Creedmoor Play: "When Mohammed Meets Moishe" (somewhat sick stuff)

BS"D

The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:

When Mohammed Meets Moishe!

Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".

After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.

When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.

At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.

When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.

Excerpts include:

"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"

"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"

Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.

The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.

Yoim Shekuloi Creedmoor - Nitel Nacht

BS"D

Tomorrow night haba olynee letoivo, is nitel nacht here in the former Russian Empire. So, look out for the all new Toldois Creedmoor blog as well as the final report on the refugee resettlement program on Pluto.

We still hope to present the Weiss interview later tonight; the esteemed Mr Weiss is still fast asleep and we do not wish to wake him before 2 PM Monsey time (2.35 PM EST) if we can at all help it.

Who makes better cholent...

BS"D

Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, Rebbetzin Haniyeh 1, or Rebbetzin Haniyeh 2? Check back later as we discuss these and other crucial questions with Sheikh Yishmoel Daoud al-Beyda, also known as Yisroel Dovid Weiss, who has recently returned from a fiction finding mission to Gaza on behalf of the Creedmoor affiliated Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey!

Will Sheikh al-Beyda reveal the identity of the unnamed female? Come back later to find out - if he doesn't we will!

NEWSFLASH: We have been informed that Sheikha al-Beyda, the chador clad wife of our interviewee, has obtained all three recipes from her husband's erstwhile hosts and we hope to share them with you here as well!

Another Der Shygetz - Creedmoor Chronicles exclusive!

"An Unidentified Female" member of the Ku Klutz Kartel konfab in Gaza..who is it?

BS"D

According to a radio host in the Zionist state, the fearsome foursome who visited Hamas in Gaza for Shabbos Cholosh (the rest of us call it Shabbos Chazak) included "an unidentified female".

Who is she? Why was she wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel according to all pictures including those transmitted to us by the Gaza bureau of Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke?

We are attempting to ascertain the identity, including the correct gender blend, of said "female" and will report back as soon as we are able to fabricate an answer, which will take a bit longer than it takes der Admou'r meCreedmoor to fabricate a seven dollar food stamp...

This Blog Is Developing Another Identity!

BS"D

Nope, life is NOT imitating art and I do not plan to apply for blogosphere welfare under two names, or even under one name.

Starting (our) Nitel Nacht, Thursday 6 January haba aleinu lebitul zman, I will have set up a new, second Creedmoor blog which will include the yichus breef series and the old attempt at writing a Creedmoor book. This second blog will discuss the history of the Schmoigerman family and serve as the definitive annals of the Creedmoorer chassidus going back to the earliest antecedents of the Schmoigerman dynasty in ancient Judea, pre-Inquisition Spain, Poland, Hungary and of course Brooklyn.

This blog will remain as it was intended to be, that is to say, the chronicles, or news source, of and for the worldwide and interplanetary Creedmoorer community.

I will move most of the book and yichus posts to the new blog on Thursday night, and this week I will indeed have the final news from the UN high commissioner for refugees regarding the refugees from Zionist aggression on Pluto. I hope to have enough material to update both blogs once every week to 10 days.

In related news, the real life Creedmoorers, the Ku Klutz Kartel, led by the intrepid publicity seeker and all around menuval Yisroel Dovid "Scheiss" Weiss (Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda) were or are in Gaza for Shabbos. They now number only four, reduced from five and a half probably due to the advancing age of the Szarkonosvary Rov, Ahron (Haroun) Cohen, and the defection (or repair) of the eminently defective M.A.F. (who now passes out of the Creedmoorer orbit, having bequeathed his title of Most Reprehensible Menival Masquerading As A Frummer Yid to Solomon Drek). This should provide me with some great material this week...

Der Admou"r's Resolutions for the New Welfare Year

BS"D

At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.

The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.

At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.

His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.