BS"D
Newsflash: The Schmoigerman Space Shuttle, the convoluted contraption which the Admou'r meCreedmoor uses to travel from Creedmoor to Pluto and back, has been detained at the Bobby Fischer Memorial Spaceport on Jupiter.
We are unaware as to whether this is a positive or negative development. We have reason to believe that aliens on Jupiter have asked Rabbi Schmoigerman to establish a Beis Chaval on Jupiter so that they, too, can obtain welfare, section 8, disability and UN refugee aid. Alternately, it is possible that the Schmoigerman spaceship is staging a crash on Jupiter for insurance purposes.
However, an interesting development has taken place in that long time Schmoigerman psychiatrist Dr Nanebakri Ramabudhu Patel claims that neither Rabbi Dovid nor Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman has left Creedmoor within the past month and that there was in fact a menorah lighting ceremony inside a former administration building with a leaky gas tap and defective electrical wiring.
Attempts to contact Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster are proving futile, and we do not dare contact Axa, Aviva, Allstate, AIG, Allianz, Fireman's Fund, Generali, USAA or any similar Zionist organization as we do not want to jeopardize the Admour's avoida kedeisha and source of honest parnosso.
What is the real story? Enquiring multiple personalities want to know...stay tuned!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
It is Official - Schmoigerman Refugee Resettlement Plan Approved!
BS"D
Breaking noise:
The United Nations Special Committee for the Condemnation and Hopeful Obliteration of the Zionist Entity, led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and His Utmost Insanity Muammar el-Qadhafy have met in a special session to approve the "Schmoigerman Plan for the Creation and Support of Perpetual Microscopic Refugees from Zionism on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.
Details coming tomorrow. All that is known at present is that this project represents the largest fraud committed to date by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and involves a budget of eleven trillion dollars for the resettlement of all microorganisms affected by the Chanike flammen on Pluto.
Breaking noise:
The United Nations Special Committee for the Condemnation and Hopeful Obliteration of the Zionist Entity, led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and His Utmost Insanity Muammar el-Qadhafy have met in a special session to approve the "Schmoigerman Plan for the Creation and Support of Perpetual Microscopic Refugees from Zionism on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.
Details coming tomorrow. All that is known at present is that this project represents the largest fraud committed to date by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and involves a budget of eleven trillion dollars for the resettlement of all microorganisms affected by the Chanike flammen on Pluto.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Schmoigerman: Our EJF is Eternal Justification of Fraud and has no connection with Monsey
BS"D
"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.
In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.
As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.
The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.
However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."
Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.
"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.
In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.
As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.
The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.
However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."
Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Usher Berkowitz Message is a Hoax...
BS"D
..and whoever started it, basically by just adding a Yiddishe yingel's name to an existing hoax, belongs in the real Creedmoor. There are far more interesting and creative things to do on a cold winter day than playing pranks at the expense of people's feelings.
As for our beloved D-ward, Alcatraz and Pluto Creedmoor, tomorrow is the 25th which means that on Sunday we will have the final roundup of the Creedmoor 12 days of Chanike.
We are aware at this time that the UNHCR has indeed agreed in principle to add the refugees created by the recent Creedmoorian invasion of Pluto to its purview. We are also aware that none other than the party responsible for said invasion, namely Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, has been appointed the director of the Pluto bureau of the UNHCR.
The principle behind this appointment is of course the same UN high moral principle that allows the Arabs to administer the Balestinian UNHCR and for Hamas and Fatah alike to run terror and theft rings through its camps.
But even Suha Arafat's Parisian accounts will be nothing if indeed the Admou"r is to receive funds for the resettlement of infinite numbers of microscopic organisms....
We also hope to have a comment from the Admou"r regarding his plans to scale up his healthcare fraud initiatives now that the Obamacare Lite health care bill has been passed...
..and whoever started it, basically by just adding a Yiddishe yingel's name to an existing hoax, belongs in the real Creedmoor. There are far more interesting and creative things to do on a cold winter day than playing pranks at the expense of people's feelings.
As for our beloved D-ward, Alcatraz and Pluto Creedmoor, tomorrow is the 25th which means that on Sunday we will have the final roundup of the Creedmoor 12 days of Chanike.
We are aware at this time that the UNHCR has indeed agreed in principle to add the refugees created by the recent Creedmoorian invasion of Pluto to its purview. We are also aware that none other than the party responsible for said invasion, namely Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, has been appointed the director of the Pluto bureau of the UNHCR.
The principle behind this appointment is of course the same UN high moral principle that allows the Arabs to administer the Balestinian UNHCR and for Hamas and Fatah alike to run terror and theft rings through its camps.
But even Suha Arafat's Parisian accounts will be nothing if indeed the Admou"r is to receive funds for the resettlement of infinite numbers of microscopic organisms....
We also hope to have a comment from the Admou"r regarding his plans to scale up his healthcare fraud initiatives now that the Obamacare Lite health care bill has been passed...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!
BS"D
We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.
At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.
However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.
On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.
So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....
We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.
At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.
However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.
On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.
So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Preview: The Founding of the UN HIgh Commission for Microorganic Refugees on Former Planet Pluto....
BS"D
Madarbakri Tuntawallukut could not believe what he was reading. A real live report about microorganisms forced to flee Pluto, which itself had been diminished from planet status by a Zionist invasion.
All he had to do was react and he would be the next High Commissioner of Refugees, rather than a mindless bureaucrat wasting his days in UN headquarters, far from his native village of Tattiguptakar, Sri Wanka, which itself is a very small island off the coast of Malaysia and has nothing to do with Sri Lanka.
Madarbakri Tuntawallukut could not believe what he was reading. A real live report about microorganisms forced to flee Pluto, which itself had been diminished from planet status by a Zionist invasion.
All he had to do was react and he would be the next High Commissioner of Refugees, rather than a mindless bureaucrat wasting his days in UN headquarters, far from his native village of Tattiguptakar, Sri Wanka, which itself is a very small island off the coast of Malaysia and has nothing to do with Sri Lanka.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Important New Cherem from der Admou"r
BS"D
In a rare moment of lucidity, the Admou"r has realized that cherem is oisios and therefore gematriah ramach, or 248, which is the number of positive mitzvois (mitzvois aseh) in the tzioinish Torah.
Therefore, the Admou"r has proclaimed a stringent and binding cherem upon anyone who performs any single one of the 248 mitzvois aseh in the tzioinish Torah.
He will soon be issuing his very own "Alternative Torah," which he will reveal to whoever has the zechus to be with him where he reveals himself every morning, namely the Grand Mikveh of Pluto.
We will also soon be issuing more of the ongoing story of the Chanike sryfois on Pluto and the ongoing efforts of the Admou'r to obtain UN funding to resettle all the microorganisms of Pluto which have now become refugees due to the severe fires and resulting adverse weather conditions on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.
In a rare moment of lucidity, the Admou"r has realized that cherem is oisios and therefore gematriah ramach, or 248, which is the number of positive mitzvois (mitzvois aseh) in the tzioinish Torah.
Therefore, the Admou"r has proclaimed a stringent and binding cherem upon anyone who performs any single one of the 248 mitzvois aseh in the tzioinish Torah.
He will soon be issuing his very own "Alternative Torah," which he will reveal to whoever has the zechus to be with him where he reveals himself every morning, namely the Grand Mikveh of Pluto.
We will also soon be issuing more of the ongoing story of the Chanike sryfois on Pluto and the ongoing efforts of the Admou'r to obtain UN funding to resettle all the microorganisms of Pluto which have now become refugees due to the severe fires and resulting adverse weather conditions on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.
Monday, December 14, 2009
"Pluto is Burning" - Part 2 of the Festival of Insurance Flammen Series
BS"D
"Arson committed against property of insured by individual deemed insane and intoxicated due to inhalation of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide poisoned atmosphere caused by improper ignition of religious lights in non-conducive atmosphere..."
Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft, known as Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster, could not believe his eyes. Even in Creedmoor terms, this was a clear confession of arson by the Admou"r himself.
"You are meanink you are wantink to tell all fin der insurance companies det first of all you are der owner fin Pluto, end det also you burned it end vent crazy fin der sryfe so you burnt it?"
"Hymie, di schvantz, di idiot! You want your tzvantzig protzent oder nisht? You are not gettink mine drift? I am nisht der owner fin Pluto! It iz owned by "Khal Sinos Chinom d' Pluto Vus Iz Geven A Mol A Planet!" The chief offitzer fin die kompanye iz my Rebbetzin of East Coast Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and you iz der treasurer! So, if you are adjustink det it iz conspiresy end unlezss you iz also wantink to live in Creedmoor end pretend your tzi dryt di ken zitzen in Federal Koilel far'n der gantze leben!
I am wantink you should bring dis to the UN and dat dey should issue to me gelt to clean up der envirenment fin Pluto! Der insurance den iz also covered by the UN. You know, like all der Pelestinian refugees vuz is gettink money fin der UN to blow up tzioinim? So we iz now ochet refugeez end we iz gettink gelt to burn der plenet end den clean it up, like der Araber mach der refugeez problem end dey iz gettink more money to make more refugees! End since der arson iz geven a religious lightink, it iz multiculturalizm end perfectly fine with der UN, you know like when some yikel in Sudan gives his tochter a bris!"
Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft managed to call the Deputy to the Deputy Secretary of the Banned Ki Moon himself...(more coming tomorrow)
"Arson committed against property of insured by individual deemed insane and intoxicated due to inhalation of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide poisoned atmosphere caused by improper ignition of religious lights in non-conducive atmosphere..."
Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft, known as Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster, could not believe his eyes. Even in Creedmoor terms, this was a clear confession of arson by the Admou"r himself.
"You are meanink you are wantink to tell all fin der insurance companies det first of all you are der owner fin Pluto, end det also you burned it end vent crazy fin der sryfe so you burnt it?"
"Hymie, di schvantz, di idiot! You want your tzvantzig protzent oder nisht? You are not gettink mine drift? I am nisht der owner fin Pluto! It iz owned by "Khal Sinos Chinom d' Pluto Vus Iz Geven A Mol A Planet!" The chief offitzer fin die kompanye iz my Rebbetzin of East Coast Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and you iz der treasurer! So, if you are adjustink det it iz conspiresy end unlezss you iz also wantink to live in Creedmoor end pretend your tzi dryt di ken zitzen in Federal Koilel far'n der gantze leben!
I am wantink you should bring dis to the UN and dat dey should issue to me gelt to clean up der envirenment fin Pluto! Der insurance den iz also covered by the UN. You know, like all der Pelestinian refugees vuz is gettink money fin der UN to blow up tzioinim? So we iz now ochet refugeez end we iz gettink gelt to burn der plenet end den clean it up, like der Araber mach der refugeez problem end dey iz gettink more money to make more refugees! End since der arson iz geven a religious lightink, it iz multiculturalizm end perfectly fine with der UN, you know like when some yikel in Sudan gives his tochter a bris!"
Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft managed to call the Deputy to the Deputy Secretary of the Banned Ki Moon himself...(more coming tomorrow)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Admou"r Needs Your Help - Man of the Non-Zionist Year 2009
BS"D
The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:
1) Chilul Hashem berabim
2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law
3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel
4) A willingness to do anything for money.
5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock
6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot
The choices are between:
1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek
Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!
Thank you,
The Vaad haMesader
The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:
1) Chilul Hashem berabim
2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law
3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel
4) A willingness to do anything for money.
5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock
6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot
The choices are between:
1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek
Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!
Thank you,
The Vaad haMesader
Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto Last Night..The Former Planet Is In Flames!
BS"D
The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.
Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"
Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."
Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.
As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!
That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..
The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.
Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"
Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."
Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.
As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!
That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!
BS"D
The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!
Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne
A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.
Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....
The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!
Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne
A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.
Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....
Monday, November 23, 2009
Schmoigerman Winds Up Another 419'er - requests soup recipe from Chang Wantan
BS"D
If this yukel falls for this one then he is the dumbest accumulation of cells that has inhabited the earth since the extinction of the dodo bird!
LS"D
Dear Mr Wantan:
I would be very delighted to assist you with every form of moral, financial and athletic support necessary for the mutual success of our transaction. I am a graduate of the Madoff Institute of Financial Defalcations and as such am one of the few licenced financial defalcators who is able to assist you in this most defalcatory and unsavoury transaction.
However, since it is clear to me that you are of the famous Wantan family which has bestowed its gift of Wantan soup to the world, and particularly to Chinese restaurants, I would appreciate your sending me, post haste, your paternal grandmother's recipe for same.
Sincerely,
Grand Rabbi Pandit Guru Dawood Singh Azazel Schmoigerman
Sing Sing Chinese Food Importers
Ossining, New York
-----Original Message-----
From: Chang Wantan [mailto:inpexcorporation@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:40 AM
Subject: Legal Representative Postion
Dear Sir/Madam,
It is a pleasure to write to you in respect of our company, TEIKOKU OIL &
GAS CO., LTD(INPEX CORPORATION). We are experts in the sales of raw materials.
We export into the Canada/America/parts of Europe. We are searching for representatives
who can help us establish a medium of getting our funds from our costumers
Update. Even 419 scammer stupidity has its limits. Mr Chang Wantan did not reply and of course at least one E-mail address of his bounced. Oh, well.
If this yukel falls for this one then he is the dumbest accumulation of cells that has inhabited the earth since the extinction of the dodo bird!
LS"D
Dear Mr Wantan:
I would be very delighted to assist you with every form of moral, financial and athletic support necessary for the mutual success of our transaction. I am a graduate of the Madoff Institute of Financial Defalcations and as such am one of the few licenced financial defalcators who is able to assist you in this most defalcatory and unsavoury transaction.
However, since it is clear to me that you are of the famous Wantan family which has bestowed its gift of Wantan soup to the world, and particularly to Chinese restaurants, I would appreciate your sending me, post haste, your paternal grandmother's recipe for same.
Sincerely,
Grand Rabbi Pandit Guru Dawood Singh Azazel Schmoigerman
Sing Sing Chinese Food Importers
Ossining, New York
-----Original Message-----
From: Chang Wantan [mailto:inpexcorporation@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:40 AM
Subject: Legal Representative Postion
Dear Sir/Madam,
It is a pleasure to write to you in respect of our company, TEIKOKU OIL &
GAS CO., LTD(INPEX CORPORATION). We are experts in the sales of raw materials.
We export into the Canada/America/parts of Europe. We are searching for representatives
who can help us establish a medium of getting our funds from our costumers
Update. Even 419 scammer stupidity has its limits. Mr Chang Wantan did not reply and of course at least one E-mail address of his bounced. Oh, well.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Finally: The source of the concept "Pay Tzaddik"
BS"D
In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:
"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."
The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.
In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:
"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."
The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Yichis Breef Returns - El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia
BS"D
The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.
Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.
First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).
And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.
But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.
If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.
And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.
In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.
And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.
Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.
But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.
He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.
In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.
The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.
Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.
First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).
And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.
But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.
If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.
And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.
In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.
And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.
Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.
But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.
He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.
In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Carlebach meets Creedmoor - Raheem Carlebach style
BS"D
"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."
"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."
"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."
"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"
"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"
"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"
"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."
"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."
"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..
Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."
"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."
"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."
"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."
"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"
"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"
"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"
"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"
"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."
"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."
"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..
Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A word from our sponsor - "Raheem" Smoke Shop, Pharmacy and Loan Center
BS"D
From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).
"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"
Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem
He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
---switches to rap beat-----
If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).
From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).
"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"
Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
Raheem
He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
---switches to rap beat-----
If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem
(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).
Creedmoor Readies Itself for Pilgrimage of 150 Quintillion Souls on Dec 25
BS"D
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"
So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.
Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.
And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.
Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.
Monday, November 09, 2009
"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys
BS"D
In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"
In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone
And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he
But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die
When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight
And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail
That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan
No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.
In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"
In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone
And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he
But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die
When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight
And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail
That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan
No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Admou"r Denounces Win of Yankees, Alleges Zionist Plot
BS"D
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.
The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.
In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.
Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.
Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"
(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)