Fweeky Fweedy Does Tshive

BS"D

Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.

He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.

However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.

Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.

Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.

Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.

That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.

----------
Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.

A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik

BS"D

(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)

Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?

Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)

All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.

Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!

Testimonials:

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"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)

And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new

Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator

FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!

"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)

And we also gib dir free of charge:

Goods Reclassifier

Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!

End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?

NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!

Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1

Mickey the Machloikes Man

BS"D

Like a Chicago housing project where even police do not dare to tread, D-ward was rendered off limits for the interim director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, a young Russian born, American trained psychiatrist named Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman. Dr Khaitman, whose temporary assignment was conferred upon him as a condition for having accepted a scholarship to medical school, was warned by the largely Admou"r-suborned staff that D-ward was considered an independent country, and since it had no relations with the United States, Dr Khaitman could not travel there with his US passport. As Dr Khaitman was a refugee who had left his native S Petersburg during Communist times, he did not want to risk citizenship issues, and he knew full well that the Admou"r was not on the official treatment roster, so he had no reason or desire to visit the abandoned husk of a building that housed the Creedmoorer rabbinical court and all of its phantom followers.

However, this all changed one fine spring morning when he heard a loud, off tune, rendition of a familiar tune coming from the D-ward exercise yard, which was within earshot of his open window.

The tune was an old camp song going back to his first summer in America, when 11 year old Yevgeny Moiseevich Khaitman became Yehuda ben Moshe ha-Levi, thanks to the warm welcome he received at a camp for Russian immigrant boys that was part of the worldwide Camp Machane Yaakov movement. From that beginning, Yehuda went on to a Jewish day school and after a period of questioning in college and medical school, became a fully observant Torah Jew, close to but perhaps not a true member of the Chassidic movement that sponsored the camp.

Never much of a music fan, Dr Khaitman could not remember the actual words that fit the familiar tune. But one thing was for sure, the lyrics did not even remotely resemble what he heard, to (nit)wit: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I stir up strife wherever I can. Whatever I don't agree with I want to ban. I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man".

He had also never heard it accompanied to the sound of a small, rotund, gnomelike man banging his head against the worn padding of the burnt out shell of what had been the D-ward dayroom, before the Admou"r burned it down for insurance purposes.

Dr Khaitman asked the little man, whose name he assumed was Mickey: "What are you doing here? You don't look like a Chossid of any sort; seems you don't like us too much but are you really looking to meet the Admou"r meCreedmoor? He's in Alcatraz this week or maybe he's in Iran or Saudi Arabia for all I know...or in some beis boshes in Paris...."

Mickey replied: "What do you mean! That song is pure kefira and has no business being sung with the real words, which are "Dear Rebbe, we love you so. Why did you leave us, we do not know." And my mission is to destroy kefira wherever I can by spreading machloikes between Yidden, all in the name of my new brand of pop mussar that I teach to everyone who pays any attention to me, which is 6 weirdos just like me and a couple of goyim."

"Mussar? Well, I consider myself a Chossid of the Rebbe, but I know what mussar is, and what you are preaching is not mussar in yeshivish, but mussor in Russian. And whichever way you look at it, you are trespassing, because either this is Creedmoor and you have no pass for here, or this is the Admou"r's independent territory and he doesn't let anyone visit without paying him food stamps for a kvittel. Why are you here?"

"Oh, well, I got lost looking for the outpatient treatment center. Check your records, not that I trust anyone who went to Camp Machane Yaakov and knows the kefira songs to deal with my situation. My name is Michael Steinberg, but since my name is Mee-cha-e-l everyone calls me Mickey the Machloikes Man."

However, when Dr Khaitman requested politely that Mickey follow him back into the main building where he would find the patient records and assign him to the proper specialist, he protested:

"Really, I want to join this K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin! It sounds right up my alley - sinas chinam and machloikes go hand in hand! I saw the sign from the window when I came in and I had to check it out!"

"Mickey, I would think you had realized by now that this congregation does NOT exist! Goldman, Schmoigerman or whatever his name is got himself committed here on a phoney diagnosis and uses it to commit federal entitlement program fraud on a massive scale! We can't stop him because of all kinds of civil rights laws that keep me from finding out in one split second that Schmoigerman is not a psychiatric patient. And even if I did that, the guy declared an independent republic here and got EU and UN recognition, so go figure. We're not even supposed to be here but Schmoigerman is away and no one will see us."

"But I want to meet the Admou"r. I am looking for someone who will appreciate my gadlus in Torah and my dedication to stopping the tide of kefira that is enveloping all who do not study my pop mussar, especially the Wiccans I teach it to for a few bucks!"

"Mickey, I think Dr Prasad Bakri Patel in the Outpatient Treatment and Analysis Department would like to have a few mussar sessions with you! One moment please while I call him!"

Dr Khaitman took out his cellphone and called the admitting clerk in Outpatient, herself a Russian immigrant. Translated from Russian, the conversation went something like this:

"Irina, listen, I have one I need Patel to take care of. He's actually trespassing and I can have security handle him, but he's one of ours and I think he really needs help!"

"Yevgeny Moiseevich, listen, Patel is busy; the crazy rabbi asked him to certify 100,000 outpatients and send the information to Medicare."

"Irina, that is called ILLEGAL ACTIVITY and I have only one more month here and I don't care if you, or he, or anyone else there gets caught on these rabbi scams. You want to do that kind of garbage (mussor), go right ahead and do it when I AM NOT AROUND because you work for ME right now and so does Patel! I want Michael Steinberg scheduled for outpatient consultation in FIVE minutes!"

"OK....."

Meanwhile, Steinberg heard the word mussor, which as alluded to before, is the Russian word for garbage.

"They learn mussar? They want to learn mussar with me????? I'll gladly show them how pop mussar has no problems with avoida zoro so long as they are against the kefira of Chassidus!"

"Mickey, you and they don't know Reb Yisroel Salanter zichroino levrocho from a hole in the wall! Irina's mother is not Jewish and Patel is a Hindu turned Sikh turned Creedmoorer because he's in on every scam that Schmoigerman ever cooked up!"

"Well, that's OK! My version of mussar has more to do with Budhuism than anything and so long as they are not Chassidim and acknowledge that I and my teacher, Alley Moronnos, are the leading masters of mussar today, I'll take them as students!"

Before Khaitman could start laughing, his phone rang:

"Yehuda, sholom aleichem" his rabbi greeted him: "Aleichem sholom" came the reply. After inquiring as to each other's welfare (not to be confused with welfare cheques, which neither one receives), Rabbi Mendy Eisenman continued: "Remember I asked you whether you saw who was coming in and stealing all the chassidus leaflets in shul erev Shabbos? Well, he is actually on his way to Creedmoor; he's a New Yorker originally and he was picked up doing the same thing in Flatbush! Mickey something...."

"Really! I've got him then! He's not committable but I am trying to get him over to outpatient; he was banging his head over in the Gonover Rebbe's chotzeir!!!!"

"Well, see if you can put him away or at least get him into treatment. He's a pathetic case; not dangerous but a real pest. He leaves all kinds of messages about Moronous Mussar conferences..."

"Yep, that's my man! Thanks! Zait gezunt - see you tonight at the farbrengen im irtze Hashem"!

With that, Mickey, who overheard the conversation, became quite indignant: "A koifer and an oived avoido zoro has no neemanus! You CANNOT take me for treatment! I am the only voice of true Judaism left on the planet and I have six true followers!"

"Mickey, well, it seems that somewhere in this bureaucratic mess is an order requesting your treatment, because trespass as you just committed yet again, combined with destruction of private property, are misdemeanors, and I'd be happy to ask Rabbi Mendy if I can call the cops and have you arrested..."

Mickey realized he was cornered, and followed the doctor to the outpatient clinic, where Dr Prasad Patel, wearing an aluminum Sikh turban that was said to be filled with EBT cards, awaited the duo:

"Prasad, get that tin foil off your head NOW! This is NOT crazy rabbi time. He's away and you just might also get sent away! This guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur and possible paranoid schizophrenia. And like you, he's a grade three pest! See what you can do! C-200 is empty if he needs to stay overnight!"

Dr Khaitman then returned to his office and left the mussar scholar with his equally authentic Sikh counterpart.....

To be continued on Nitel Nacht Beis (6 January 2008). This is based on the ramblings of a perennial pest and self appointed scholar on a well known Jewish forum.

Coming Up on (one or the other) Nitel Nacht - Mickey the Machloikes Man

BS"D

Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.

But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.

And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.

Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.

To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.

Ve ha'ir Creedmoor tzohalo vesomeicho...

BS"D

The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.

Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.

And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.

So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.

But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.

While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.

I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to Obamaberration.com.

While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.

So, check out Obamaberration.com if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)

If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is http://lightwell.wordpress.com for more serious Chassidic thought.

Please Send Ahmadinejad A Letter

BS"D

As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).

However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.

Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

-------------------------------begin here---------------------------------------------
The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.

Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:

As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.

His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.

Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.

In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.

With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,

(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)

------------------------------end here---------------------------------------------

I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.

ideas

pell grants, welfare students, full scholarships, tuition paid in food stamps, senators get a percentage to their campaign funds, schmoigerman dinners and endoresement for candidates.

Creedmoor U Becomes a Federal Research Institution - Part 1

"10,500,000 diversity points! Now I will definitely be promoted to Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Director of Frivolous and Wasteful Grants" exclaimed the most eminent product of Affirmative Action hiring policies, Ms Tossretta Wastehead.

Ms Wastehead, who pronounces her surname Wast'ed, is a native of Guam. Her father was born in Burkina Faso to Nigerian bank scammer parents who had decamped to Burkina Faso in order to be able to send out advance fee letters from a country other than Nigeria, whereas her mother was a Native Guamite of Antiguan origin, not to be confused with Natural Guano of Avian origin. Such a background, of course, counts for many preferential hiring points under the US Affirmative Action system. Therefore, our dear Ms Wastehead, a single mother, was very quickly promoted from her entry level position as a junior dishwasher in the Warren Harding Federal Building to her present post, which is designed to keep Affirmative Action hires out of the trouble that might result if they were given productive work with real deadlines.

At present, she is but the Third Deputy Assistant to the Second Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Depilatory Director of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America, a position that carries far less prestige and a lower G-scale, or as she called it, G-string, than her desired position. Since Mrs Wastehead was only three years from pension age, her goal is to retire at the highest possible pay level and to use her generous pension in order to take advantage of all sorts of minority contractor and promotion of incompetent business laws once she sets up shop as a certified financial laundering and sanitization contractor.

And the source of her joy and hope was a proposal issuing from Professor Rector Dean Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman, whose credentials included a Psy. D. from The Discount Online Degree Site, and his Second Concubine Princess Rabbanit Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman, of the Alcatraz Island branch of the R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

She could hardly read the fine print, boilerplate and other obfuscation that comprise the hallmark of any Federal grant proposal, but which are elevated to an art form by the Schmoigerman enterprises. All she could see was that the principal applicants were Chassidic Jews of Native American and Other Minority heritage who resided on a tribal reservation and had hitherto suffered from discrimination so intense that they could not obtain advanced degrees, thereby relegating them to life on food stamps, welfare, and other Federal and State entitlement programs. This was also the first application to issue from the newly chartered University, which had obtained its charter online in the same fashion that its principals had obtained their credentials.

And the best part of it was the astounding number of research subjects: Ninety-four trillion, with a margin of error of two per cent. Yes, 94,000,000,000,000 subjects would be participating in a study aimed at improving the lives of food stamp recipients by observing their purchasing habits.

Now, how could this be done? Very simply, by issuing two extra months' worth of food stamps to each participant so that the researchers could observe how each one used his, her or its benefits to purchase food over eight Friday afternoons. This would be in addition to the forty-three billion dollars requested by the research institute so that they could purchase a supercomputer strong enough to monitor and analyze the mountains of data that would result.

For this, there was need for special approval and sponsorship by 2 senators. Only members of the Donkey Party would do, as only they believe in printing extra money in order to fund public non-works projects and keep their voters happy and the economy depressed so that more people need the entitlement programs that they favor.

We do not want to risk libel laws by naming them, but suffice it to say that they are names well known to anyone who has been following the donkey side of the US Presidential Elections. One is the formerly favored female donkey, whereas the other is none other than the present minority donkey....

Weiss Release Countdown

17 more years of tshuva (2754 instead of 2737) for the great tzaddik but at least he is not being released on Yom Tov! What a zechus to be able to do tshuva for generations yet unborn - and now one more generation has been added! Yomim al y'mye mylech toisif - shnoisov kmoi doir vodoir!

Also, the Admou'r meCreedmoor spoke this past Shabbos of the great zechis which Reb Sholam'ke has to be incarcerated in Lewisburg, which means (in Creedmoorish) har ha-levi'im. Whether the Admou"r was referring to shevet Levi or the counterfeit Levi's ring he and Weiss used to operate together in Malaysia is unclear, as is anything having to do with the Admou"r and Reb Sholam'ke.

1.

SHOLAM WEISS

32610-054

54

White

M

11-23-2754

LEWISBURG USP

Preview...A Research Grant for Creedmoor U.

Ninety four trillion research subjects. That is what caught the eye of the members of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America. And with such a large cohort of research subjects, approval was quickly forthcoming, along with the requisite financing.

The title of the project......................Food Stamp Usage Patterns Among Patients Suffering From Multiple Personality Disorder.

The name of the research facility...........................R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

The name of the research director........................Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Psy. D.

Of course, Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has a legitimate claim to the title Psy. D - if it indeed stands for Psychopathically Deluded. Alternately, Rabbi Schmoigerman can claim any title and requisite certificate so long as it can be granted in the same fashion by which the venerable Admou"r received his certificate of rabbinical ordination "gezel vemirma lemehadrin". After all, this legendary and unique level of ordination was attained through the painstaking process of sending thousands of proofs of purchase from breakfast cereal boxes to a mail drop in Rockland County, New York in time for the festival of Purim.

Yet, when dealing with any matters between the Federal Government and said Admou"r, it can safely be assumed that gross fraud is involved.

And in this case, the fraud was so blatant and on such a magnificent scale that only the eminently incompetent bureaucrats of the Department of Education of the United States of America could be too obtuse to detect it.....

(more coming soon)

A very special guest!

LS"D

With gretitute to der Islamischer Republik fin Iran, we iz prout to announce det we iz hevink a special guest at der lekture on Sunday!

Hiz nomen iz der hyliger:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(husband of Moshe Aryeh Friedman fin Vienna)!

Reb Mahmoud gibt a special eddress on der topic fin "Usink Fotoshop far Makink Missiles Det Destroy der Tzioinishe Entity!"

Also Reb Mahmoud will be performink an a kappoore version of his hyliger niggin: "Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad" (Kokamamy sed der regime det okkupies Yerusholoyim gotta venish from der page of time)! [Bed news dis fit perfektly der niggin fin der koifer Mordkhe ben-Dovid "Iz Doch Mashma fin Rashi.."]

Don't miss dis lekture!

Annual Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Lecture

LS"D

Mit gretitude to der velfare syztem end sektzen acht, ve iz presentink dis year our ennuel Kamtza end Bar Kamtza Lekture Series:

Sunday 2 Menachem Av:

"What can we do to better ensure the destruction of the Medine?"

Speakerz iz:

Grandest Rebbe fin der Community far the Destruction fin der Zionist Entity in Hyligen Vien: Herr Oberrabiner Moishe Aryeh Friedmann (Imam Moussa Assad al-Faraj al-Majnoun).

Der mensch vus tit mehr far der destruction of der medine end puttink in denger der safety fin Yidden dorten den anyone else dese days:
The Recht Dishonorible Mr Ehud Olmert
Chief of Korruption Department in Prime Minister, Der Tzionishe Entity

Moderator:

Grand Rabbi of the Itbah al-Yahud Islamic Community/Ku Klux Karta of Monsey, Imam Moussa al-Dib Beck (Rabbi Moshe Ber Beck).

Herr Oberrabbiner Friedmann and Mr Olmert will diskuss what each of dem iz doink to make sure fin the destruction of the medine speedily end in inzere teg! You den decide fin der audience if Friedmann or Olmert iz bigger denger to der medine!

Couvert: 170 Food Shtempelach includez a Halal Lemehadrin meal catered by Hamas Caterink of Atlentik Evenue, Brooklyn. Blenk checks end Visa/Mesterkart/Americhkan Express numbers also aktzepted.

Location: Beis Medrash d'Creedmoor (D-ward Padded Dayroom)

Release Date for the Tzadik Hamoin Doirois Sholam Weiss has been Changed!

LS"D

Yes, the authorities have heard the plea of Sholam Weiss as publicized exclusively right here on this blog! He will be released on May 17 2737 from his new position as Rosh Federal Kollel Lewisburg:

SHOLAM WEISS

32610-054

54

White

M

05-17-2737

LEWISBURG USP

Which in turn comes out to:

Iyar 24, 6497

The tremendous zechus of the great tzadik hamoin hadoirois, who is enrolled in an intensive Federal tshuva yeshiva for only 729 more years, is such that his release date was indeed changed from Pesach. This also enables him to do intense tshuva for yet another month!

Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Medical Mystery is Solved

A chance encounter with one of Moshe Aryeh Friedman's doctors revealed the following information:

"When Moshe was 15, we took him from Creedmoor to an orthopedic clinic to see if we could undo the damage to his growth plates that was caused by his spin in the washing machine as a baby. He was enrolled in a study in which equine (horse) growth hormone was supposed to be administered to him for several weeks. Instead, an extract made from equine posterior flesh was used. Or, in layman's terms, they took his medicine from the wrong end of the horse!"

This might explain why, as per the linked picture, Freeky Freedy has an outsized head and feet and a goofy, horse-like grin as well as being stooped (and stooooooooooooooooooooopid)!

And it certainly explains why Moshe Aryeh Friedman is ummm..der tuches fin a ferd, or in the Queen's English, a horse's arse!

Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy

As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.

So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:

GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"

Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!

----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----

GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!

Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!

GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!

Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!

GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!

Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!

GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!

Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?

GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.

Clerk: How you spell dat?

GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R

Clerl; OK I got dat!

GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.

Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!

GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!

GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: OK you decide man!

GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!

Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!

GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.

Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!

GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!

Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!

GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!

Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!

GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!

Clerk: Dat be cool!

Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.

He returns to the office:

GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?

Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!

Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.

Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!

Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!

Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!

Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):

Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.

Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.

At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:

311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).

Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.

311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.

Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!

311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?

Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!

(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?

Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!

The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:

"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.

Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.

While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."

Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.

Der Admou"r Set to Solve Kosher Meat Crisis

The Admou"r meCreedmoor, through his communally owned shechita enterprise "Maachal Ben Drusoy", has stepped up to solve the present shortage of kosher meat.

As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).

Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.

Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.

OFFICIAL: Der Admou"r Endorses Obama

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has emerged from retirement to volunteer as the hymishe spokesman for the Obama campaign. As always, our favorite tin foil wrapped deluxe fruitcake has made a profound statement of endorsement for his preferred candidate:

"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."

The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.

The Final Creedmoor Post: Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet part 4

Yes, this is it. I just am not into this anymore, but still I do have the final information to finish the pathetic, yet exciting saga of Moshe Aryeh Friedman, whose journeys from Creedmoor to Antwerpen to Vienna began with a bedsheet stretching from his Creedmoor padded cell to....JFK International Airport!

"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."

And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.

But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.

So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!

And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.

The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.

And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"

The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!

Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.

Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.

"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"

Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)

"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"

50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.

And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.

How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.

Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.

Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.

And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.

An Open Letter from Reb Sholam Weiss

Dear Federal Bureau of Prisons:

It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.

Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!

Zeyr a grossen dank,

Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov

(reference: http://tinyurl.com/37n7xv)

NB: Weiss is right!

You have selected:

Tuesday, April 13, 2737


The corresponding Jewish date is:

Nissan 20, 6497*

So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!

Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.

Mishenichnas Adar Choizrim leCreedmoor

As there are 2 Adars this year, I will reopen the blog to post at least once each Adar. To be forewarned is to be sidearmed, or however it goes - so beware!

From the Future Creedmoorer Archives - "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta-man" Chanukah 5776

*Yes, I am back for one post, which I am posting today rather than on Nitel Nacht as I do not know where I will be on that august, or is it December, night*

Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.

He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.

When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.

Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.

Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.

Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"

"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.

"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"

Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.

Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.

And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.

Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.

But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"

Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.

But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.

And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."

Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"

"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody

Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh

The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor

Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor

A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday

The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire

4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?

a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel

b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven

c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).

5) From who is your father havink smicha?

a) Satmar

b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin

c) Reb Sholam Weiss

6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day

a) Not worth from thinking about

b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar

c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.

7) To what music you are listenink?

a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa

b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich

c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!

8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?

a) Nyne

b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele

c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"

Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.

You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.

You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.

You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare

You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.

Urgent Request!

Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:

We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.

So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.

The All New (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Questionnaire

Dis kvestiyenayre iz multiple choice. Now, I know dat by unz, multiple means meny, like, you know, multiple velfare eplikayshenz, but dis time it means you are to make ONE choice from der list far each question:

1) From what color is your tablecloth?

a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.

b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.

c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!

2) What is doing dyne tatte?

a) Er iz a roov in a shil.

b) Er iz a meshilich

c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.

3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?

a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein

b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach

c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)

(more to come tomorrow)

The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form!

Yes, here it is. The form that everyone from Williamsburgh to Monsey to New Joel to Square Circle has been waiting for. The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form! Velfare, Sectzhen Acht, Medikaid, Disability, SSI, HEAP, all in one easy to chap form, written af Hymish of course:

1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).

2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).

3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?

4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?

5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)

6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):

____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer

7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer

8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________

9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________

10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?

11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?

12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?

13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).

Special Creedmoorer Event for 9 Av

For the first time in almost 2000 years, you have a choice. You can cry and moan with the Tzioini reshoim, from Teaneck to Tosh, who wail over the destruction of a barbecue pit and the beginning of the end of the Tzioini dream.

Or, you can join us and

BURN BABY BURN

Yes, for the first time ever, starting tonight, the Admou"r and his many multiple personalities throughout the world will be inviting guests to assist them and join in the celebrations as they burn down landmark buildings for insurance. Why mourn the destruction of an old shul when you can sing and dance while watching the destruction of a building for which YOU hold a lucrative insurance policy and a forged title deed! Your name will be submitted on the title deed for a building of your choice, so that you will get special brochos from the Admou"r meCreedmoor as well as an almost guaranteed lifetime berth in Leavenworth or a similar yeshiva or kollel!

For more information, please call 1-888-TZU-DRAYT now! This is a once in a life sentence opportunity!

Der Admou"r's A Con - Lyrics!

They went down to the welfare office
To get a check
And one tried to get more
Because he was
A shtick dreck

Der Admou"r fin Creedmoor
That is his name
Welfare fraud and scamming
That is his game
Two thousand years in prison he deserves!

Chorus:
Con, con, the Admou"r's a con
He gets enough welfare
For a thousand men
And then he has the chutzpah
To apply again
That ganif should sit for years and years! (repeat)

He burns down houses that he doesn't even own
Forges signatures to get a low cost loan
Signs up phantom patients for oxygen and chairs
Sells the stuff at whatever the market will bear!
And even launders money for Syria and Iran!


(chorus!)

But we all love the Admou"r anyway
From him we sometimes get a dollar a day
We sign our names on papers
That we can't read
To get the Admou"r money
That he doesn't need
He's stolen enough for thirteen centuries!

(chorus!)

Now everyone says that I have stolen this song
And I'll tell you something, they really aren't wrong
But my version is so silly
That no one cares
And all I made was a food stamp and a half!

(chorus!)

Loosely based on Dschingis Khan, 1979 Eurovision entry by German band of the same name, and Yidden, Yidden, by Mordechai Ben David. I will split one euro-cent lengthwise and send it to each creator upon request.

Rubin-Has-No-Life

Among the myriad dupes, shills, fellow travelers and phantom multiple personalities who reside in D-ward is a rather odd fellow who calls himself Rubin, in homage to the mediocre boxer and accomplished violent felon (sextuple murderer, according to some sources) Rubin "Hurricane" Carter. Since the Admou"r is so very enamored of felons, he summarily converted Rubin to Creedmoorer Chassidus, using an WMA to mp3 converter and a catalytic converter along with his standard 110 to 220 volt converter.

For some strange reason, the newly converted Rubin (now called Reivyn), whose name was duly submitted to all welfare offices, signed up for section 8 and disability, and forged on a number of title deeds used for dubious real estate flips, became very attached to the stars of the Creedmoor music industry.

Now, everyone knows that like much in Creedmoor, said stars do not exist. You must understand that the Admou"r takes in over one trillion Estonian forints in welfare cheques, food stamps, SSI, housing subsidies, Medicare and disability per annum. This is supplemented with over three trillion renminbi yuan worth of profits from insurance fraud, arson for hire, cheque kiting, bank fraud, wire fraud, consumer fraud and charity fraud.

And it is for the sake of charity fraud that the Admou"r invented a whole stable of musical entertainers, each of whom occasionally performs for one or more of the Admou"r's fundraisers. Of course, what really happens is that a couple of Creedmoor janitors are paid a couple of cigarettes each to bang pots, pans, drums and stolen auto parts in one of the old treatment rooms which the Admou"r has converted to a stage.

In the meantime, the Admou"r launders money by reassigning subsidy payments or insurance payments from one of his nonexistent personalities to one of these nonexistent performers.

And the king of all of these performers is of course Menivel ben Zimri, or MBZ. MBZ, who exists only in the Creedmoor parallel universe, has had almost a billion Slovenian lira transferred to his slush accounts at the Thirty Second Bank of Vanuatu. And one of MBZ's favorite acts is banging pots and pans to an obscure German Eurovision entry called "Yankel Kahn."

Of course, MBZ, who does not exist, found it very hard to credit the original band, which does exist. Instead, he goes on and on performing his version of the song "Der Admou"r'z a Con", at every pots and pans banging session for every new charity that the Admou"r dreams up.

In the meantime, a less popular act, Pay Tzaddik, is largely ignored, even though their works, such as "Flipped Out Across Boiling Schmaltz" are somewhat original.

But Rubin, you see, is an activist who stands up against every injustice on the planet Mars. So, he sits all day on the Internet, attacking the nonexistent Menivel ben Zimri, and claiming that eleven Moldovan welfare cheques must be transferred to the German band in exchange for use of the tune. As his therapists have reassigned him from basket weaving to Internet therapy, he has even started a blog, called Rubin-Has-No-Life, in which he sounds off like a broken record regarding theft and copying by MBZ. Of course, he cares little that two other multiple personalities are recording MBZ concerts and selling the albums for 100 counterfeit EBT cards a piece!

Needless to say, MBZ and his fan club, consisting of the usual suspects, including Napoleon and George Washington as well as the Admou"r and all of his suborned psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotics, and psychobabblers, are not fazed by Rubin's criticism. So, Rubin goes on and on in his padded cell, tilting at windmills, while all around him, real fraud on a huge scale goes on and on.

Der Hyliger Water-Carrier fin Creedmoor - Introduction

Since Friedcircuits, Dreck and Scheiss are quiet for now, it is not in our best interest to give them any attention whatsoever, since that is what they crave more than anything. Therefore, we will return to the old Creedmoor, with a portrait of Yossele Der Hyliger Water-Carrier.

No Chassidish tale is complete without a simple water-carrier, who through his hard work and uncomplaining nature reaches the highest level of service to Hashem. But the Baal Shem Tov would want and have nothing to do with Creedmoor's holy water-carrier, Anschel Rodriguez.

Anschel Rodriguez was born Anselmo Rodriguez in Canaste de Basura Sagrada, a woebegone and isolated hamlet in Guatemala. At some point, he arrived in the US as a stowaway on the proverbial banana boat, where he hid himself in a shipment of what shippers claimed was "banana powder" from Colombia.

Now, when one inhales too much banana powder of Colombian provenance over an extended period of time, one risks severe brain damage. That is why, when US customs officials opened the crate of banana powder from Medellin, they found a dilapidated, decrepit little man, whose tiny brain, already addled by the malnutrition that was so prevalent in his little village, was now completely obliterated by what had once been an ingredient in Coca-Cola. He was clad in nothing but threadbare boxer shorts, the color of canary feathers in the front and the color of chocolate in the posterior end.

All the gnomelike being could say was "Me llamo Anselmo. Soy de Guatemala. Tengo hambre." (My name is Anselmo. I am from Guatemala. I'm hungry.) According to US law, the undersized stowaway would be eligible for immediate deportation. However, he had no papers, was clearly non compos mentis, and claimed to be from Guatemala although the ship, filled with rotten bananas and enough cocaine to keep all of Harlem fueled for generations, clearly sailed from Medellin or Cali via Panama.

So, the United States of America, and the State of New York, clearly had welcomed a new, nonproductive citizen to its shores. And at the time, the address for addled illegal stowaways with irreversible brain damage was Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

But Creedmoor was not the right place for even the most depraved patient ever since control of its largely empty buildings was ceded, by default, to a spurious self appointed Chassidic rebbe who claimed more personalities than a ton of cocaine has individual grains. As could be expected, an innocent fellow like Anselmo Rodriguez was perfect fodder for Dovid'l Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, and a perfect cover for yet another harebrained insurance and Federal assistance scam.

Nancy Pelosi to Visit Iran - Only Der Shygetz Knows Why!

EXCLUSIVE:

Der Shygetz has learned that the reason for Nancy Pelosi's trip to Iran is connected with her upcoming marriage. What we now need to verify is whether she will join the Ahmadinejad harem, which now consists of three wives, twenty sheep, and one billy goat, or whether she will be given as a gift to the illustrious Moshe Aryeh Friedcircuits*, who is apparently close to divorcing his wife Leah, but who is also married to Fatima and Farida Friedcircuits, both of whom were born to a Muslim qadi and his sister in Ramallah.

*Given the many well known and respected personages in the Jewish community who bear Moshe Aryeh's birth surname, and the fact that his family does not agree with his activities, we will from now on refer to him only by the Creedmoor Farsi version of his surname, which, we have learned, was legally bestowed upon him by Dr Weinberg of Creedmoor (more to come on this next week once we have the full information regarding Pelosi).

Life Imitates Art - The Beck/NK residence is burning!

The Neturei Karta USA headquarters (NB: the correct name for these punks is Ku Klux Karta) at 102 Saddle River Road, Monsey, NY, is burning. Arson is suspected; the building's inhabitants, the desteemed and extingushed Beck (Dreck) couple, Imam and Sheikha Moussa Bashir Beck (Dreck) are conveniently spending Pesach in London (with one or more of their lacklusterous offspring, who indeed make up the rotten apple core of the so-called NK in England).

I smell Creedmoor. Once arson is confirmed, I will give this blessed event the coverage it deserves.

Creedmoorer Matzo Prices for 2007

Creedmoor MehaDreck Grocery and the Creedmoor Polymer Refinery and Matzo Bakery are proud to announce the following prices for Shmura Matzo Neki Mekoil Chashash Tzioinis this year:

Plywood Rounds from Cuban Grapefruit Trees (Mehadrin fin der Mehadrin) - 950 foodshtempelach der fint or 12000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a kilogram.

Pressed Sawdust Squares from Malaysian Hardwoods (Acceptable Bedieved for Those what Kennot Digest Plywood) - 825 foodshtempelach der 12 ountze fint oder 11000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a Kilogram

Super Yoshon Wheat Flour Rounds (far koifrim who ektually make der Tzioni brooches hamoitzi on matzo) - 65 foodshtempelach der 10 ountze fint oder 10000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forintlach far a Kilogram. Super Yoshon is meanink vus der flour iz geven in a demp warehouse far at least tzein yohr before der Admou'r got aross der flour far bakink end of course gebrent der warehouse far insurance.

If dis yohr der Admou"r again is kenselling Pesach, we are very sorry but if you come tzi inz far a refund we tell you like alveys: "Shaygetz Aross". You keep tryink end inzerer Creedmoor Honer Guards Tznius Patrol zig tzi dir "Shecht'im Ooon a Broooche!"

Friedmans and Werdyger Announce Baby Leasing Plan

The now divorced parents of Moshe Aryeh Friedman have long been trying to come up with a way of preventing another tragedy like their misbegotten son from inflicting itself upon the Jewish community. And Mendy Werdyger of Aderet Music has been quite successful in attracting ridicule for his new scheme of leasing music albums rather than selling them, in a harebrained attempt at putting a damper on the very real problem of copying albums.

So, the Friedmans, both jointly and separately, have joined with Werdyger, as well as leading obstetricians and hospitals which service the haimishe community, to put together a baby leasing plan which would allow for parents to break leases on defective offspring of the Moshe Aryeh Friedman variety.

However, given the confession of the cleaning lady who was responsible for the brain dislocation that makes Moshe Aryeh Friedman what he is today, we wonder how a leasing scheme can prevent future Freaky Freedies.

Depending on just where Yehuda Meshi Zahav of Zaka fame supposedly socked little Moshe Aryeh, there just might be a chance of preventing any more Friedman offspring from the Moshe Aryeh line, but given that even those who reject evolution agree that acquired traits are not inherited, damage to Moishele's reproductive capability would only benefit the Austrian government which would then be able to cap welfare benefits to Freaky Freedy at his present family size.

We will have more on this when the Friedmans and Werdyger return from their meeting with the one and only rabbinical authority who will agree to give his imprimatur to such a scheme, namely the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Newsflash: Cleaning Lady Confesses

Danuta Gowniska is a pathetic, misbegotten excuse for a woman. The ugly, stunted and generally miserable daughter of Polish collaborators from the village of Osiołek (not far from a well known center of Jewish life), she claimed that she had helped to save Jews during World War 2 (and promised to vote Democrat once naturalized), which landed her a coveted visa to the United States and a ticket out of Communist Poland. Like many of her ilk, she worked cleaning homes in the Williamsburgh and Boro Park sections of Brooklyn, where she was often treated like what she really is not - namely a decent human being. And unlike many of her ilk, her lies were discovered and she was sent straight back to Poland after about 20 years in the United States.

Now a toothless, alcoholic old crone, Gowniska summoned reporters from the local "Gazeta Prosiaszka Osiołeszka" so that she could share her secret - namely that in 1975 or 1976 she placed a baby named Moshe Aryeh Friedman in a washing machine and ran it at high speed. When she removed the baby, the centrifugal force of the machine had done horrendous damage - namely forcing cerebral material into the region near the sphincter muscle. This caused Moshe Aryeh Friedman to develop a disability known as acute cerebrofecal syndrome, which affects a number of politicians, Israeli judges, and movie celebrities.

Gowniska was sentenced to 1 month of vodka deprivation, which is expected to put a far too timely end to her miserable existence on this earth. However, Neturei Karta is expected to pay for her burial and for a headstone marked with the title "Chassida Umois Hagoilem". This is notwithstanding the fact that Gowniska looks more like a sewer rat than a stork.

This information was later corroborated by psychiatrists at Creedmoor - more information to follow in part 4.

Disclaimer

The Moshe Aryeh Friedman depicted here is a fictional misrepresentation of the real Moshe Aryeh Friedman. Neither I nor any other satirist, amateur or professional, could accurately report the deprivations and depredations of Moshe Aryeh Friedman of Vienna, confidant of neo-Nazis, terror supporters, and Ahmadinejad and laughingstock of even the anti-Zionist Chassidish communities throughout the world.

Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet - part 3

As could be expected, Moshe Aryeh Friedman took little interest in his studies, and he was not a stellar student, to put it mildly. One of his rebbeim, who was also his neighbor, would often say "I wish we were back in the old days in Budapesht where I could give Moishele such a potch he'd remember me forever!"

On the other hand, the little pipsqueak of a boy was a true busybody, the male equivalent of a yente, or perhaps more accurately, of the yente's more malicious counterpart, the yachne. He would listen in to every conversation, whether in school or at Creedmoor. While he had little interest in what went on in school, he would not hesitate to turn in his fellow schoolboys when he overheard usually exaggerated tales of their boyish pranks. But when it came to Creedmoor, somehow he became a precocious child who understood conversations about treatment of psychiatric illness.

This, too, held little interest for him once he found out that he could not successfully set up much of a black market in psychotropic drugs without getting on the bad side of an Indian and Pakistani medical mafia that already controlled same in the rapidly declining mental facility. So, he injected himself into the offices of the social workers, who were charged with the all important task of obtaining benefits for their addled charges. In the offices of the directors, assistant directors, and associate directors to the assistant directors of the Affirmative Action riddled and woefully undercompetently overstaffed Department of Psychiatric Social Work, puny little Moishele learned about welfare, Section 8, SSI, Social Security Disability Payments, Veteran's Benefits and who knows what else.

In the meantime, while little Moishe Aryeh was forced to spend his afternoons in treatment in Creedmoor, his older sister, a kind and sweet young lady of 14, spent her free time helping truly developmentally disabled little girls in her community, which is known both for its chessed and for providing services to its least advantaged members. Malkele (name changed to protect the innocent) was already 2 heads taller than her ridiculous little brother, but that did not stop her from getting on her hands and knees and playing with unfortunate children as young as three years old. Malkele also had a large collection of stuffed animals, often given to her as presents by grateful parents, as well as a doll collection.

And Moshe Aryeh Friedman had a pair of scissors, a hammer, and a wrench, all purloined from the utility closet at Creedmoor, which was off limits to patients (he was also banned from access to the Friedman family cache of sharp objects, for obvious reasons).

One Sunday afternoon, while gentle, sweet Malkele accompanied a group of disabled children to a local park as was her usual routine on Sundays, her rancid, putrid, miserable rodent of a brother picked the lock to her room with his "gechapt" scissors, and began his ghastly work.

Sure enough, Malkele or her charges had named every doll and labeled each one with "her" very own name. So, Moshe Aryeh Friedman began his career as a scam artist by recording every one of the doll's names - typical Williamsburgh names like Esther, Blima, Yidis, Fyge, Byle, Gnendel, Ryzel - on a sheet of the only paper that he was allowed access to at home - namely asher yotzor papier. Then, he decided that the stuffed animals were male, so he named them in typical community fashion - Yoily, Gimpel, Getzel, Groinem, Shepsel, Yidel - and recorded their names as well. Of course they all shared his surname of Friedman as per this chronicle of woe.

And now, the mayhem began. Scissors amputated at least three limbs per doll and decapitated the stuffed animals. The hammer, rather large for Moshe Aryeh's undersized hands, wreaked havoc on the dolls' heads.

Presto! Moshe Aryeh Friedman now had a collection of injured and disabled dependents to claim for welfare and SSI, as well as a handful of deceased ones to claim for survivors' benefits. When asked to explain his actions to a visibly distraught Malkele and the unfortunate children to whom she so dearly served as a surrogate sister, the budding menivel explained: "Now your farshtinkene getschkes and shmatte vilde chayes are as retarded as the kids you take care of!"

Malkele could take no more; she was totally incapable of understanding her brother's utter lack of humanity. For five minutes, she cried inconsolably while she figured out what she could do. Her equally kindhearted older sister joined her in her tears; she was just as equally incapable of handling the situation and was amazed that her little brother, demented as he was known to be, could say and do such things. Not capable of doing what needed to be done, namely throwing the hammer at Moshe Aryeh and putting him out of his misery, both Friedman girls were beyond words. Finally, Malkele called the kollel where her father learned every Sunday and asked him to rush home.

When Rabbi Friedman saw the mess his son had made, he knew that Moshe Aryeh had to become a full time resident of Creedmoor as soon as possible despite his tender age. There was no sense punishing him for he was clearly beyond what any normal family could handle. But by the time he arrived, little Moishele was gone. His sisters were blinded by their tears and shock and saw nothing. For that matter, his father was not too interested in locating his depraved son, and as it turned out, he had no need to do so.

The wealthy aunt of a little girl whom Malkele took to the park every Sunday gratefully and generously replaced all of the toys which her brother had massacred. Fortunately, she was judged on her own great merits and was never associated with her brother's ways, so that beshaah toive umitzlachis she married a fine young man and today leads an exemplary life, and such is also the case with her older sister and all of the other Friedman siblings.

Moishele could have cared less about his father or his sisters. He was actually on his way back to Creedmoor, where one of the more corrupt associates to the assistants to the director of the associate directorship of the Department of Psychotic Anti-Social Work was ready and waiting to help him fill out forms for benefits for the no fewer than fifteen injured, disabled and deceased dependents of Moshe Aryeh and the late Malka Friedman. Yes, that is right. He actually claimed his very much alive sister was his deceased wife so that he could explain how he had fifteen dependents, ten hopelessly disabled and five conveniently deceased. A forged article about a tragic car accident was included in the application, and all was duly accepted by the overworked bureaucrats in Washington DC, Albany and City Hall.

And when the checks came in to "Rabbi Moshe Aryeh Friedman" at a PO Box not far from Creedmoor, Jose Hernandez, an illegal immigrant from Guatemala who occasionally pushed a mop across the corridors of power at Creedmoor, cashed them with an equally undocumented money transfer agency for one cent on the dollar. The rest of the loot was divided 80:20 between Moshe Aryeh Friedman and Mrs. Goosehonketta Jones-Whankingham, a native of some misbegotten island in the Caribbean whose title was "Assistant to the Associate of the Directorship of Benefits Management" at Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital.

No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele.