BS"D
Sir, the statute of limitations for reparations regarding the acts of Attila the Hun has passed long, long ago..so answered Pieter Sukkel Van Der Stront when he saw the form submitted by the corpulent, malodorous man in the tin foil hat and full body length orange plastic bag outfit...
"Try this and I show to you what is a statue from limitations...who is sculpting a limitations statue anyway in Americhke we is havink liberty statue and here you is havink limitations statue? I not understand! But here, try dis - it iz kokosh cake, der national food fin Americhke and der only gite zach we get from Attila.."
Little did the unsuspecting and undertalented clerk know that the kokosh cake which was being proffered was not from Hungary or even Williamsburgh but rather from nearby Amsterdam. And it was actually what could perhaps be described as "hash kokosh cake", tainted liberally with cannabis that had somehow been combined with lysergic acid diethylamide.
"So you are liking myne cake, Mr Van Der Stront? I am always liking the Dutch people because they like me total fake. Durink the war you are pretending to be friends of Jews and real you cooperate with the Germans, this I am liking because I pretend to be Rabbi who is wantink to destroy the Zionist state when really I am just wanting a quick dollar or two...."
When Pieter Sukkel Van der Stront heard "Germans" and "destroy the Zionist state," especially in his rather elevated condition, a light went on in his bureaucratically stifled brain:
"Ah, I must introduce you to myne Fuhrer, I mean the director of the department of Reparations for Zionist War Crimes of the International Court of Justice of the Flying Dutchman...I mean of the Hague. His name is Adolf, no wait Rudolf, well what's the difference his father and my father were both collaborators during the war and that's why we are now spending our lives trying to have the Zionists put on trial for war crimes...and now we have a collaborator of our very own!"
Of course, when it comes to politics, der Admou"r will claim any affiliation if he can profit from it, but he does draw the line at Nazi...
"Listen, shygetz, you are thinkink I am a Jewish Nazi? Det's not me, det's der Zionists and I am a Jew, not a Zionist except det I get unemployment from the national insurance for 70 million workers from my closed textile plant in Dimona det I couldnt keep goink because it never was existing in the first place. How about better you have noch a piece of cake end come up with better idea then introduce me to your Nazi uncle, shygetz! Here, here's another piece from kokosh cake!"
The little clerk ate what was a truly gigantic piece of adulterated kokosh cake, all of 500 grams to be exact, of which a good 100 grams was of hallucinogenic nature...
"Ah, yes, I am very sorry to have insulted your people, it is just that wow, did you see that flying blue whale above me? And he is eating a crocodile in front of a giant sunbeam in a garden full of mushrooms..."
"Yes, its gut der nature, no? So pretty that big whale but it is a she and zi iz green, nisht blue and so is the bear! And how about instead from taking me to your Nazi uncle, you give to him now a piece more from my kokosh cake and ask he should sign over reparations on behalf from the Ingarish people to the damage done by Zionist Attila the Hun to the innocent Philistine people...."
Yes, David Schmoigerman had truly entered into the annals of abuse of international law with this latest proposal.
As so many attorneys find themselves without work in these lean times, he had generously suborned a recent law school graduate so that he would generate a sheaf of documents authorizing the International Court of Justice of The Hague, Netherlands to disburse 300 million Euro to David Schmoigerman, Chief Rabbi of the Independent Anti Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, as reparations for the Zionist war crimes of Attila the Hun against the Philistine people, with Hungary of today being the guarantor.
Since Hungary is a net recipient of EU funds, this was as far-fetched and fictitious a transaction as any of the Admou'r's business dealings - for the EU would then subsidize Hungary for the payment in exchange for an admission of guilt and service on the EU Committee for the Destruction of Zionism.
In any case, the EU, which indeed recognizes the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor, always manages to find funds for anything that smacks of destruction of the Zionist entity and accusing it of war crimes. So, for the Admou"r, this was free and easy money that for once he did not have to print on his own.
Completely separated by the realities of this world and his insignificant post by immense quantities of cannabis and LSD, Pieter Sukkel van der Stront was truly feeling grand and important when he left his small office and just about soared in the sky (or so he thought as he observed flocks of flying Labrador Retrievers chasing Porsche Cayennes above him as he walked in the corridor of international injustice and political chicanery known as the International Court of Law) toward the office of Gustav Adolf H. Debiel, Director of the Bureau of Zionist War Crimes Reparations.
Usually, the honorable Director spent his EU funded days watching old Leni Riefenstahl films, breaking only to read old issues of Der Steurmer which his beloved wife Eva brought him from her job as Media Director of the international tribunal.
But this time, something seemed unusual. There was no Reifenstahl film of soldiers goose stepping showing on the EU subsidized plasma screen TV, and no issue of Der Steurmer on the director's desk. Yet, he was ranting on and on in the height of agony: "They poisoned me, they poisoned me, my Fuhrer is gone and soon I will join him... Eva is dead now too....what is this world worth...Purimfest, Purimfest, Purimfest...all 10 are gone with der Fuhrer"
In case you are a sheltered yeshiva bochur or Beis Yaakov girl, what was happening was very simple. The esteemed Director hardly needed any of the Admou"r's kokosh cake to separate from reality - he himself was addicted to hallucinogens and apparently was experiencing flashbacks from years of drug abuse.
And in walked Pieter Sukkel van der Stront with a sheaf of documents..and he said "Herr Fuhrer, please sign these so we can get rid of the Zionists once and for all and prepare for the final return of the Third and a Half Reich Part B, section 8..."
Silently, in the throes of agony, Gustav Adolf H. Debiel signed the papers, and upon signing the last dotted line, he fell back in his imaginary bunker, but very real office chair, his worthless and hateful life on this Earth having ended with his final act of...............enriching a self appointed Chassidic rebbe who would pose as a Buddhist lama if he could make a quick and shady buck that way.
When Pieter Sukkel van der Stront returned with the signed papers, he complained of a serious headache. Der Admou"r threw a package of his own special Tylenol 4 capsules (containing mescaline, to be exact) on the desk as he snatched the signed papers from the unsuspecting clerk.
The next day, the Descendants of Dutch Veterans of the Waffen SS Club of The Hague held dual funerals for two of its most respected members. And der Admou"r was sitting on his usual first class seat on a flight back to Kennedy where a limousine would whisk him back to Creedmoor.
And as soon as he returned to Creedmoor, he called his legal advisor and had a securities prospectus put together for the Schmoigerman Platinum Hedge Fund, in which he would actually sell shares in the money he was about to receive from the EU, backed by promises of funds from 1000 lottery scammers, all of whom had sent E-mails out to der Admou"r from...der Admou"r's own IP number, registered to his state of the art servers which he colocated in a vacant crack house in the South Bronx that he maintained for the sole purpose of collecting insurance each time he staged a fire or other act of Schmoigerman in the abandoned block of boarded up buildings and rat infested vacant lots where no self respecting crackhead would ever want to venture.
Somehow, the number of shares issued equaled about sixty-three thousand, four hundred and fifty one per cent of the proceeds of the amalgam of spurious deals which backed the securities. But the investments came in - from widows who were actually happily married grandmothers, from quadriplegics who could lift twice the Admou"r's extremely substantial weight, from Section 8 tenants who owned palaces in Rockland and Orange and Kings counties, from pharmacists who sold prescriptions to patients who existed only for Medicare and Medicaid purposes as well as from the patients themselves...in short der Admou"r managed to convince the various welfare agencies that he defrauds on a regular basis to issue even more payments on even more phantom disabled and impoverished personalities so as to replace the money he misappropriated in prior scams by investing it in...his latest scam.
And why doesn't the government arrest Schmoigerman? It is very simple - he is an inspiration when it comes to printing money and coming up with bailout plans that have no financial backing whatsoever!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - Shiur by the Admou"r meCreedmoor
BS"D
As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.
This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.
We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:
1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:
Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:
33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.
33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.
45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.
Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).
So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?
2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:
In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.
For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.
I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).
And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.
For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.
So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.
3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:
A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!
With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?
a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).
b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.
c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.
d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.
The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.
As spring approaches, the desire and opportunity for our hyliger yachnes, machshefas, choleryes and other noshim tzidkaniois to violate basic rules of modesty becomes greater and greater. Therefore, the hyliger Admou"r is once again leading the way by organizing and funding a Veltvide Mishmeres HaTznius - Intergalactic Modesty Squad - with branches everywhere from Teaneck to Pluto.
This Shabbos was Shabbos Mevorchim Av (the Admou"r has removed Adar from the calendar and moved Av into its place out of respect to his Iranian colleagues as well as due to his belief that there is no simcha as long as the Zionist entity is in place and as long as it is a felony to falsify US tax returns to show inflated donations to the Admou"r's tzedakois), so that the Admou"r gave his most detailed shiur yet regarding the laws pertaining to proper practices and operation of the Modesty Patrol.
We present the full shiur given this past Shabbos Parshas Corinthians/Haftoro Sunna 8:14 (Friday 25 Ramadan), memorized and transcribed by Koirach Shelumiel Falschreiber, one of the ninety five trillion (ken yirbu) personalities of the Admou"r who was chosen for this desalted and extinguished task on account of his utter nonexistence anywhere but on the welfare rolls of the US, Canada, and ten EU countries:
1) Community payment for services of the Modesty Squad:
Maaser equivalent to 284% of the number of welfare cheques per head which can and should be received by the sponsoring community is to be collected from all possible governmental sources or by counterfeiting cash and financial instruments. The significance of 284, 204 being gematria tzadik and 80 being the letter pay, is well known from my teachings and does not need further explanation at this time. These funds should be divided as follows:
33% - Payment and Uniforms for Volunteers. Volunteers shall be paid no less than three Estonian forints per hour served as well as 381 forints for each item of clothing destroyed and removed from its wearer. Uniforms shall be of tin foil wrapped in orange cellophane and should cover the entire body of the volunteer.
33% - Legal Defense Fund for Volunteers; including gifts to police and legitimate security patrols.
45% - Remittance to Admou"r's Discretionary Fund for training material and brochos from the hyliger Admou"r.
Now a question always arises when dealing with maaser, knasim, maamad money and the like in the hyliger shitta of Creedmoor - how do we possibly get to more than 100%? And the answer is simple. Chassidus Creedmoor is all about exceeding natural limitations by breaking boundaries such as civil and criminal law which prevent us from reaching our true potential. So, we invent new personalities who in essence turn us from 100% per cent which for koifrim is shlymis, to percentages as high as ninety five quadrillion which is so much higher than nature. And by converting the spirituality of these extra personalities to the material world of welfare, insurance payouts and disability cheques, we are mekayem our purpose in this world which is to show that "and who is the wise one (chochom)? The one who says whatever is mine is mine and whatever is the government's is also mine" (Avois d'Rabbynee Ponzi 34:1).
So now we return once again to the modesty squad - what is its purpose and under what halachos does it operate?
2) The Purpose of the Modesty Squad:
In a community as large as ours that grows by leaps and bounds with a few keystrokes, there are those personalities that just do not fit the usual expectations of a Creedmoorer Chussid. In this case we speak of those who prefer the action of real street battles to the more intellectual pursuits of falsifying everything from passports to death certificates to halachos themselves, as taught in our hyliger moisdois starting with Gan Pesha ve'Resha and going on through State, Federal and Her Majesty's Koilelim. So, we give them an outlet which allows them to use their active nature to enforce the modesty standards of our community, which are based on and a new improved version of those taught by the tzaddik Haham Mullah Omar, baal ha-Taliban.
For instance, we have finally succeeded in totally and completely banning ANY fabric made from traditional natural or synthetic fibers, in favor of tin foil and thick plastic bags. But there are some women who insist on wearing the black burqas of the tzioinim, which are of black cotton and wool, both of which are outlawed due to a chashash of shatnez.
I therefore instruct the unsalted volunteers of the modesty squads to literally dissolve this horrendous kefira and merida bemalchis by cutting these fabric garments off their wearers and to soak them in sulfuric acid in a public place. (Note: it is unclear as to whether the Admou"r wants the clothing or the wearers to be dissolved but either is feasible given the nature of the Admou"r's psak lately).
And the cost of the acid must be assumed by the violators of our modesty; the volunteers are instructed to extort from the violators up to 9000 Bangladeshi rials for each violation, of which 5000 are to be remitted to the Acid Gemach and 1000 are to be sent to the Admou"r's Maamad Fund.
For this, strong and brave men are needed, not those who spend their days in the computer room of our batei medrash and print documents, but those who are more suited for serving the hyliger kehilla by physical work. When a volunteer is patrolling, he is authorized to also augment his income by purveying narcotics and stimulants, actual or counterfeit, to those outside the hyliger machane of Chassidis Creedmoor, and to keep any funds so earned for his own use.
So, the Modesty Squad allows all personalities, of all different natures, to find their places in our hyliger community. We are not beset by the problems of the koifrim, whose sons often cannot find a place outside the yeshiva and therefore wander about aimlessly and use that which our proud men of the tznius patrol are authorized to sell to them, so as to further weaken the grip that kefira and tzioinis have on am Azazel at this time of false hope of the geula which is diametrically opposed to the federal, state and local benefits of this long golus that we hope to maintain forever through our avyrois.
3) Basic Definition of Modesty and Violations Thereof:
A Creedmoorer personality must be covered from head to toe in opaque metallic material, belaaz tin foil, so that the various regulatory and law enforcement organs that continue to threaten our way of life cannot see that she does not exist to begin with. For in Creedmoor, we have achieved the ultimate in tznius - OUR WOMEN JUST DO NOT EXIST!
With that in mind, what must our patrols enforce?
a) Full covering of all exposed skin and dark lenses on the eye slits. Only tin foil may be used, with colored tin foil permitted only on Shabbos (Tuesday).
b) Shoes must also be covered in tin foil and may not have heels larger than 5 centimeters with exceptions being granted in cases of shidduchim with our hyliger bochurim who may be taller than they by over 10 centimeters.
c) No Creedmoorer woman may drive a car, ride a bicycle, skate or walk more than 6 amois behind a man, whether of our community or of actual existence outside the hyliger annals of our Chassidis which happen to coincide so well with the welfare records of all 50 states, all Canadian provinces, and most of the German lander.
d) These regulations are in effect AT THE TIME OF BIRTH of a new female Creedmoorer personality.
The leaders (hyliger bulvonim) and volunteers (gebensched shtarkers) of the Modesty Patrol are indeed the knights in shining tin foil of our Chassidis, and from this day on they should receive the tenth, twelfth and fourteenth aliyas every Shabbos, as well as the fifteenth sura during all of Ramadan.
Friday, February 27, 2009
We is apologizimk for the delay..
BS"D
The string vus is konnektink the 2 tin kens they iz usink to make Internet connect is broken and myne connect is very bad so I ken't give Reb Gimpel der information he is needink for his 2 naye article. So he have dem up in time far next Tuesday and den he ritink some new ones.
The string vus is konnektink the 2 tin kens they iz usink to make Internet connect is broken and myne connect is very bad so I ken't give Reb Gimpel der information he is needink for his 2 naye article. So he have dem up in time far next Tuesday and den he ritink some new ones.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Here's What's Coming Up! Mishenichnas Adar Marbim beCreedmoor!
BS"D
So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:
So far:
1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!
From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........
2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...
Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.
So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:
So far:
1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!
From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........
2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...
Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Real Truth
BS"D
While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.
With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).
Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.
And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.
So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.
We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!
And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".
Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.
While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.
With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).
Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.
And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.
So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.
We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!
And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".
Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Fweekjob Confesses: I am Afraid From the Creedmoor Chronicler!
BS"D
Vienna (Baabemaases Press Agency):
"He knows who am I! He is knowing that I was thrown in washing machine at birth and this is why I am who I is!" So exclaimed the eminently ludicrous Moshe Aryeh Friedman to our reporter this morning. The interview took place in his small, secluded murky mudwater mikveh where Friedman swims every morning along with his pet rat, Herzlyimachshmoi.
The man he refers to with such trepidation is none other than Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Esq, the owner and publisher of the famous Yinglish newspaper "Der Shygetz", which is distributed free of charge in Otisville Federal Penitentiary as well as several men's ritual baths in Brooklyn, NY.
Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher, a journalist who himself is known for his narrowly avoided convictions, namely on charges of illegal manufacture of alcoholic beverages from wood and polystyrene resin, became renowned as the premier mikve journalist in cyberspace when he fabricated and exposed the infamous Admou"r meCreedmoor. The Admou'r is a self appointed phantom Chassidic rebbe who boasts ninety plus trillion followers, every one of whom exists only on the welfare and medical insurance rolls of various countries as well as the United Nations.
And Pashkvilkemacher was the first and only one to discern the awful truth: Moshe Aryeh Friedman is a Chassid of this Rebbe, whose legal name is David Schmoigerman. Friedman apparently relied on Schmoigerman to smuggle him out of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, where Friedman was a registered patient and where Schmoigerman illegally occupies several abandoned buildings. Pashkvilkemacher also gained access to medical records which proved that Friedman suffers from permanent brain dislocation due to his having been thrown in a washing machine as a baby. This was the final blow in a series of babyhood misfortunes which began when Friedman was born premature in the back of a butcher shop and kept alive with a chicken incubator that was powered improperly with a single AAA cell when it was meant to run on a 9 volt battery. In addition, baby Moishe Aryeh was given helium that was kept on hand for inflating balloons at a nearby party favors store, rather than oxygen which is standard medical practice for premature babies.
"Yes, the Rebbe from Creedmoor got me to Europe. He roll me up in a bedsheet and throw me out from a window on the second floor. Myne parents sent me to Creedmoor because after I was thrown in that washing machine there was nowhere else to put me. The Rebbe taught me that I didn't have to be satisfied with just one disability and SSI cheque; he said even a little pipsquirt like me can get 1000 of them with my eyes closed. But this I am not liking; I like better to take money from Iran. Then it all stop when I get toman from Mahmoudele and I complain I can't convert them nisht in Vilyemburg. Then Mahmoudele he say now we are divorced, so if that the way they are treating me I am not wanting nothing more to do with myne old gang."
"Besides, I am afraid from Der Shygetz. His paper they call me a freak, a nut, a Fweeky Fweedy and from this I am sick. So maybe I pretend I a little bit normal and see if I can for myself and my family get a few Austrian welfare checkelach and some EU subsidies. They are giving for all kinds of farmers all kinds of subsidies and in America I was geven a funny farmer so I am for sure eligible. So maybe now I settle down to a quiet new life without no Iran and no Creedmoor and no Shygetz making fun from me."
Needless to say, given the coherence and authenticity of this interview, and the approaching Purim holiday, we doubt our colleague Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher will let up on his intensive coverage of the most insignificant little windbag in all of the Jewish World, Moshe Aryeh Friedman a/k/a Fweeky Fweedy.
Vienna (Baabemaases Press Agency):
"He knows who am I! He is knowing that I was thrown in washing machine at birth and this is why I am who I is!" So exclaimed the eminently ludicrous Moshe Aryeh Friedman to our reporter this morning. The interview took place in his small, secluded murky mudwater mikveh where Friedman swims every morning along with his pet rat, Herzlyimachshmoi.
The man he refers to with such trepidation is none other than Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Esq, the owner and publisher of the famous Yinglish newspaper "Der Shygetz", which is distributed free of charge in Otisville Federal Penitentiary as well as several men's ritual baths in Brooklyn, NY.
Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher, a journalist who himself is known for his narrowly avoided convictions, namely on charges of illegal manufacture of alcoholic beverages from wood and polystyrene resin, became renowned as the premier mikve journalist in cyberspace when he fabricated and exposed the infamous Admou"r meCreedmoor. The Admou'r is a self appointed phantom Chassidic rebbe who boasts ninety plus trillion followers, every one of whom exists only on the welfare and medical insurance rolls of various countries as well as the United Nations.
And Pashkvilkemacher was the first and only one to discern the awful truth: Moshe Aryeh Friedman is a Chassid of this Rebbe, whose legal name is David Schmoigerman. Friedman apparently relied on Schmoigerman to smuggle him out of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, where Friedman was a registered patient and where Schmoigerman illegally occupies several abandoned buildings. Pashkvilkemacher also gained access to medical records which proved that Friedman suffers from permanent brain dislocation due to his having been thrown in a washing machine as a baby. This was the final blow in a series of babyhood misfortunes which began when Friedman was born premature in the back of a butcher shop and kept alive with a chicken incubator that was powered improperly with a single AAA cell when it was meant to run on a 9 volt battery. In addition, baby Moishe Aryeh was given helium that was kept on hand for inflating balloons at a nearby party favors store, rather than oxygen which is standard medical practice for premature babies.
"Yes, the Rebbe from Creedmoor got me to Europe. He roll me up in a bedsheet and throw me out from a window on the second floor. Myne parents sent me to Creedmoor because after I was thrown in that washing machine there was nowhere else to put me. The Rebbe taught me that I didn't have to be satisfied with just one disability and SSI cheque; he said even a little pipsquirt like me can get 1000 of them with my eyes closed. But this I am not liking; I like better to take money from Iran. Then it all stop when I get toman from Mahmoudele and I complain I can't convert them nisht in Vilyemburg. Then Mahmoudele he say now we are divorced, so if that the way they are treating me I am not wanting nothing more to do with myne old gang."
"Besides, I am afraid from Der Shygetz. His paper they call me a freak, a nut, a Fweeky Fweedy and from this I am sick. So maybe I pretend I a little bit normal and see if I can for myself and my family get a few Austrian welfare checkelach and some EU subsidies. They are giving for all kinds of farmers all kinds of subsidies and in America I was geven a funny farmer so I am for sure eligible. So maybe now I settle down to a quiet new life without no Iran and no Creedmoor and no Shygetz making fun from me."
Needless to say, given the coherence and authenticity of this interview, and the approaching Purim holiday, we doubt our colleague Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher will let up on his intensive coverage of the most insignificant little windbag in all of the Jewish World, Moshe Aryeh Friedman a/k/a Fweeky Fweedy.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Fweeky Fweedy Does Tshive
BS"D
Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.
He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.
However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.
Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.
Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.
Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.
That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.
----------
Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.
Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.
He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.
However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.
Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.
Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.
Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.
That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.
----------
Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A Word from Our Loyal Sponsor - Mehadrin-O-Metik
BS"D
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
(Due to the situation in E"Y I will not continue with Mickey the Machloikes Man at present because it is a parody of a known person. Instead, I bring you a word, well, maybe far more than one word, from our sponsor.)
Tell me, maybe you own a grocery, a supermarket, a deli or a newsstend and you are lookink to make more money den you ken make by taking EBT and shtempelach for tinks you are supposed to sell only mit kesh and kards?
Den der Mehadrin-O-Metik pricink gun kit is far dir. Mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken run new labelz end stickers far yenner byze din in der gantze velt! A poshuter pound beg from flour det you can charge for maybe 59 centelach become eppes a super kasher lemehadrin, bug free beg flour mit a hymishe hechsher end you ken sell it far at least 99 cents (even if der eintziger kind fin yoshon it really is would be yoshon like old and pest der expiration date and not kemach yoshon!)
All you need to do iz to enter into der keyboard what da stuff iz, and which hymisher hechsher you are wantink, and how many hechsherim you are needink. You ken do a label or just a pruste sticker.
Like dis; You got a five pound beg of sugar off der beck fin a truck, and it marked Shop-Rite. Det mean you darf sell it far cheap. But not no more because mit der Mehadrin-O-Metik you ken change it into "Mesukim MeTinoifes Tzifim" sugar mit der hechsher fin "Rebbi Gimpel Yekusiel Halberkopf-Teitelzweig of the Grand Rabbinical Court fin Szarkonozvary" and den you sell it far two times der price fin Domino koifer ziker!
Testimonials:
"Most of myne schoire is fin Mexico, Colombia, Venezuela off der beck fin a banana boat. My hymishe customers don't want it even I say der Galitzianer Gaoin say we ken eat it. So I label helf from it with the Aroini hechsher, helf mit der Zali, helf mit der 45th end helf mit der 48th end watch it all move off der shelves!" (Groinem Ganvetman, Ganvetman's Gross Grocery, Vilyemburk)
"I have a little coffee place and numbers shop near the diamond district and all of my customers are Jewish people that sell diamonds. They never wanted to trust my coffee until one of them introduced me to the Mehadrin-O-Matic. Now I show them all that my coffee has a certification from the Grand Rabbi of the Grandest Rabbinical Court of Grosszarvein and they pay me three dollars a cup!" (Ahmad Mohammed Shah, Grand Central Newsstand)
And if you buy the Mehadrin-O-Matic now, we include the all new
Hungarian (Ingarisch) Label Translator
FREE of charge! Now, your customers can think that your schoire kimt fin admas koidesh Ingarn end iz made mit special hechsher over dere! Why sell sugar when you ken sell cukor to a sucker who's paying with EBT anyway? Water cost maybe 99 tzent a gallon, but lable change to vis and mark made in Ingarn you ken charge tree tolar!
"Wallak, ata yoodea, kol hadosim etzli loo rootzim liknoot. Hem oomrim sheani a farshtinkener frenk krenk tzioini! Aval, ani agid lecha, I metargem kol halabels leHungarit vepeetoom loo rak they all baim etzli liknoot oochel they even baim etzli balaila liknoot samim sheani moocher lahem meetachat lashoolhan vegam tahat habadatz!" (Peretz Poushtaki, Poushtak's Israeli Kosher Grocery, Burro Park)
And we also gib dir free of charge:
Goods Reclassifier
Yes, allemen knows you ken't uze your EBT cartele to buy notink but food dat you ken kook. But with the Goods Reclassifier, you ken reprogrem your kesh register end kook your books to show det everytink you sell is eligible for EBT end even WIC! What? You mean a beg fin potato chips izn't allowed on WIC? Nisht a groyse deal! Just run der Goods Reklessifier end it show on all your invoises det dose chips were emmesdige cholov yisroel milch!
End how much you are tinking all dis costs? Tree toizent tolar eppes?
NO! You ken get der Mehadrin-O-Metik, mit der bonus Ingarish Trenslater and Goods Reklessifier, far nor $9.99 a month far a toizent payments! Yes, det's just nine nine in ninetzik, chaver.............nine ninety nine in a toizent eazy paymentz!
Call us now: 1-800-MAD-OFF1
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Mickey the Machloikes Man
BS"D
Like a Chicago housing project where even police do not dare to tread, D-ward was rendered off limits for the interim director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, a young Russian born, American trained psychiatrist named Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman. Dr Khaitman, whose temporary assignment was conferred upon him as a condition for having accepted a scholarship to medical school, was warned by the largely Admou"r-suborned staff that D-ward was considered an independent country, and since it had no relations with the United States, Dr Khaitman could not travel there with his US passport. As Dr Khaitman was a refugee who had left his native S Petersburg during Communist times, he did not want to risk citizenship issues, and he knew full well that the Admou"r was not on the official treatment roster, so he had no reason or desire to visit the abandoned husk of a building that housed the Creedmoorer rabbinical court and all of its phantom followers.
However, this all changed one fine spring morning when he heard a loud, off tune, rendition of a familiar tune coming from the D-ward exercise yard, which was within earshot of his open window.
The tune was an old camp song going back to his first summer in America, when 11 year old Yevgeny Moiseevich Khaitman became Yehuda ben Moshe ha-Levi, thanks to the warm welcome he received at a camp for Russian immigrant boys that was part of the worldwide Camp Machane Yaakov movement. From that beginning, Yehuda went on to a Jewish day school and after a period of questioning in college and medical school, became a fully observant Torah Jew, close to but perhaps not a true member of the Chassidic movement that sponsored the camp.
Never much of a music fan, Dr Khaitman could not remember the actual words that fit the familiar tune. But one thing was for sure, the lyrics did not even remotely resemble what he heard, to (nit)wit: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I stir up strife wherever I can. Whatever I don't agree with I want to ban. I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man".
He had also never heard it accompanied to the sound of a small, rotund, gnomelike man banging his head against the worn padding of the burnt out shell of what had been the D-ward dayroom, before the Admou"r burned it down for insurance purposes.
Dr Khaitman asked the little man, whose name he assumed was Mickey: "What are you doing here? You don't look like a Chossid of any sort; seems you don't like us too much but are you really looking to meet the Admou"r meCreedmoor? He's in Alcatraz this week or maybe he's in Iran or Saudi Arabia for all I know...or in some beis boshes in Paris...."
Mickey replied: "What do you mean! That song is pure kefira and has no business being sung with the real words, which are "Dear Rebbe, we love you so. Why did you leave us, we do not know." And my mission is to destroy kefira wherever I can by spreading machloikes between Yidden, all in the name of my new brand of pop mussar that I teach to everyone who pays any attention to me, which is 6 weirdos just like me and a couple of goyim."
"Mussar? Well, I consider myself a Chossid of the Rebbe, but I know what mussar is, and what you are preaching is not mussar in yeshivish, but mussor in Russian. And whichever way you look at it, you are trespassing, because either this is Creedmoor and you have no pass for here, or this is the Admou"r's independent territory and he doesn't let anyone visit without paying him food stamps for a kvittel. Why are you here?"
"Oh, well, I got lost looking for the outpatient treatment center. Check your records, not that I trust anyone who went to Camp Machane Yaakov and knows the kefira songs to deal with my situation. My name is Michael Steinberg, but since my name is Mee-cha-e-l everyone calls me Mickey the Machloikes Man."
However, when Dr Khaitman requested politely that Mickey follow him back into the main building where he would find the patient records and assign him to the proper specialist, he protested:
"Really, I want to join this K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin! It sounds right up my alley - sinas chinam and machloikes go hand in hand! I saw the sign from the window when I came in and I had to check it out!"
"Mickey, I would think you had realized by now that this congregation does NOT exist! Goldman, Schmoigerman or whatever his name is got himself committed here on a phoney diagnosis and uses it to commit federal entitlement program fraud on a massive scale! We can't stop him because of all kinds of civil rights laws that keep me from finding out in one split second that Schmoigerman is not a psychiatric patient. And even if I did that, the guy declared an independent republic here and got EU and UN recognition, so go figure. We're not even supposed to be here but Schmoigerman is away and no one will see us."
"But I want to meet the Admou"r. I am looking for someone who will appreciate my gadlus in Torah and my dedication to stopping the tide of kefira that is enveloping all who do not study my pop mussar, especially the Wiccans I teach it to for a few bucks!"
"Mickey, I think Dr Prasad Bakri Patel in the Outpatient Treatment and Analysis Department would like to have a few mussar sessions with you! One moment please while I call him!"
Dr Khaitman took out his cellphone and called the admitting clerk in Outpatient, herself a Russian immigrant. Translated from Russian, the conversation went something like this:
"Irina, listen, I have one I need Patel to take care of. He's actually trespassing and I can have security handle him, but he's one of ours and I think he really needs help!"
"Yevgeny Moiseevich, listen, Patel is busy; the crazy rabbi asked him to certify 100,000 outpatients and send the information to Medicare."
"Irina, that is called ILLEGAL ACTIVITY and I have only one more month here and I don't care if you, or he, or anyone else there gets caught on these rabbi scams. You want to do that kind of garbage (mussor), go right ahead and do it when I AM NOT AROUND because you work for ME right now and so does Patel! I want Michael Steinberg scheduled for outpatient consultation in FIVE minutes!"
"OK....."
Meanwhile, Steinberg heard the word mussor, which as alluded to before, is the Russian word for garbage.
"They learn mussar? They want to learn mussar with me????? I'll gladly show them how pop mussar has no problems with avoida zoro so long as they are against the kefira of Chassidus!"
"Mickey, you and they don't know Reb Yisroel Salanter zichroino levrocho from a hole in the wall! Irina's mother is not Jewish and Patel is a Hindu turned Sikh turned Creedmoorer because he's in on every scam that Schmoigerman ever cooked up!"
"Well, that's OK! My version of mussar has more to do with Budhuism than anything and so long as they are not Chassidim and acknowledge that I and my teacher, Alley Moronnos, are the leading masters of mussar today, I'll take them as students!"
Before Khaitman could start laughing, his phone rang:
"Yehuda, sholom aleichem" his rabbi greeted him: "Aleichem sholom" came the reply. After inquiring as to each other's welfare (not to be confused with welfare cheques, which neither one receives), Rabbi Mendy Eisenman continued: "Remember I asked you whether you saw who was coming in and stealing all the chassidus leaflets in shul erev Shabbos? Well, he is actually on his way to Creedmoor; he's a New Yorker originally and he was picked up doing the same thing in Flatbush! Mickey something...."
"Really! I've got him then! He's not committable but I am trying to get him over to outpatient; he was banging his head over in the Gonover Rebbe's chotzeir!!!!"
"Well, see if you can put him away or at least get him into treatment. He's a pathetic case; not dangerous but a real pest. He leaves all kinds of messages about Moronous Mussar conferences..."
"Yep, that's my man! Thanks! Zait gezunt - see you tonight at the farbrengen im irtze Hashem"!
With that, Mickey, who overheard the conversation, became quite indignant: "A koifer and an oived avoido zoro has no neemanus! You CANNOT take me for treatment! I am the only voice of true Judaism left on the planet and I have six true followers!"
"Mickey, well, it seems that somewhere in this bureaucratic mess is an order requesting your treatment, because trespass as you just committed yet again, combined with destruction of private property, are misdemeanors, and I'd be happy to ask Rabbi Mendy if I can call the cops and have you arrested..."
Mickey realized he was cornered, and followed the doctor to the outpatient clinic, where Dr Prasad Patel, wearing an aluminum Sikh turban that was said to be filled with EBT cards, awaited the duo:
"Prasad, get that tin foil off your head NOW! This is NOT crazy rabbi time. He's away and you just might also get sent away! This guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur and possible paranoid schizophrenia. And like you, he's a grade three pest! See what you can do! C-200 is empty if he needs to stay overnight!"
Dr Khaitman then returned to his office and left the mussar scholar with his equally authentic Sikh counterpart.....
To be continued on Nitel Nacht Beis (6 January 2008). This is based on the ramblings of a perennial pest and self appointed scholar on a well known Jewish forum.
Like a Chicago housing project where even police do not dare to tread, D-ward was rendered off limits for the interim director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, a young Russian born, American trained psychiatrist named Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman. Dr Khaitman, whose temporary assignment was conferred upon him as a condition for having accepted a scholarship to medical school, was warned by the largely Admou"r-suborned staff that D-ward was considered an independent country, and since it had no relations with the United States, Dr Khaitman could not travel there with his US passport. As Dr Khaitman was a refugee who had left his native S Petersburg during Communist times, he did not want to risk citizenship issues, and he knew full well that the Admou"r was not on the official treatment roster, so he had no reason or desire to visit the abandoned husk of a building that housed the Creedmoorer rabbinical court and all of its phantom followers.
However, this all changed one fine spring morning when he heard a loud, off tune, rendition of a familiar tune coming from the D-ward exercise yard, which was within earshot of his open window.
The tune was an old camp song going back to his first summer in America, when 11 year old Yevgeny Moiseevich Khaitman became Yehuda ben Moshe ha-Levi, thanks to the warm welcome he received at a camp for Russian immigrant boys that was part of the worldwide Camp Machane Yaakov movement. From that beginning, Yehuda went on to a Jewish day school and after a period of questioning in college and medical school, became a fully observant Torah Jew, close to but perhaps not a true member of the Chassidic movement that sponsored the camp.
Never much of a music fan, Dr Khaitman could not remember the actual words that fit the familiar tune. But one thing was for sure, the lyrics did not even remotely resemble what he heard, to (nit)wit: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I stir up strife wherever I can. Whatever I don't agree with I want to ban. I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man".
He had also never heard it accompanied to the sound of a small, rotund, gnomelike man banging his head against the worn padding of the burnt out shell of what had been the D-ward dayroom, before the Admou"r burned it down for insurance purposes.
Dr Khaitman asked the little man, whose name he assumed was Mickey: "What are you doing here? You don't look like a Chossid of any sort; seems you don't like us too much but are you really looking to meet the Admou"r meCreedmoor? He's in Alcatraz this week or maybe he's in Iran or Saudi Arabia for all I know...or in some beis boshes in Paris...."
Mickey replied: "What do you mean! That song is pure kefira and has no business being sung with the real words, which are "Dear Rebbe, we love you so. Why did you leave us, we do not know." And my mission is to destroy kefira wherever I can by spreading machloikes between Yidden, all in the name of my new brand of pop mussar that I teach to everyone who pays any attention to me, which is 6 weirdos just like me and a couple of goyim."
"Mussar? Well, I consider myself a Chossid of the Rebbe, but I know what mussar is, and what you are preaching is not mussar in yeshivish, but mussor in Russian. And whichever way you look at it, you are trespassing, because either this is Creedmoor and you have no pass for here, or this is the Admou"r's independent territory and he doesn't let anyone visit without paying him food stamps for a kvittel. Why are you here?"
"Oh, well, I got lost looking for the outpatient treatment center. Check your records, not that I trust anyone who went to Camp Machane Yaakov and knows the kefira songs to deal with my situation. My name is Michael Steinberg, but since my name is Mee-cha-e-l everyone calls me Mickey the Machloikes Man."
However, when Dr Khaitman requested politely that Mickey follow him back into the main building where he would find the patient records and assign him to the proper specialist, he protested:
"Really, I want to join this K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin! It sounds right up my alley - sinas chinam and machloikes go hand in hand! I saw the sign from the window when I came in and I had to check it out!"
"Mickey, I would think you had realized by now that this congregation does NOT exist! Goldman, Schmoigerman or whatever his name is got himself committed here on a phoney diagnosis and uses it to commit federal entitlement program fraud on a massive scale! We can't stop him because of all kinds of civil rights laws that keep me from finding out in one split second that Schmoigerman is not a psychiatric patient. And even if I did that, the guy declared an independent republic here and got EU and UN recognition, so go figure. We're not even supposed to be here but Schmoigerman is away and no one will see us."
"But I want to meet the Admou"r. I am looking for someone who will appreciate my gadlus in Torah and my dedication to stopping the tide of kefira that is enveloping all who do not study my pop mussar, especially the Wiccans I teach it to for a few bucks!"
"Mickey, I think Dr Prasad Bakri Patel in the Outpatient Treatment and Analysis Department would like to have a few mussar sessions with you! One moment please while I call him!"
Dr Khaitman took out his cellphone and called the admitting clerk in Outpatient, herself a Russian immigrant. Translated from Russian, the conversation went something like this:
"Irina, listen, I have one I need Patel to take care of. He's actually trespassing and I can have security handle him, but he's one of ours and I think he really needs help!"
"Yevgeny Moiseevich, listen, Patel is busy; the crazy rabbi asked him to certify 100,000 outpatients and send the information to Medicare."
"Irina, that is called ILLEGAL ACTIVITY and I have only one more month here and I don't care if you, or he, or anyone else there gets caught on these rabbi scams. You want to do that kind of garbage (mussor), go right ahead and do it when I AM NOT AROUND because you work for ME right now and so does Patel! I want Michael Steinberg scheduled for outpatient consultation in FIVE minutes!"
"OK....."
Meanwhile, Steinberg heard the word mussor, which as alluded to before, is the Russian word for garbage.
"They learn mussar? They want to learn mussar with me????? I'll gladly show them how pop mussar has no problems with avoida zoro so long as they are against the kefira of Chassidus!"
"Mickey, you and they don't know Reb Yisroel Salanter zichroino levrocho from a hole in the wall! Irina's mother is not Jewish and Patel is a Hindu turned Sikh turned Creedmoorer because he's in on every scam that Schmoigerman ever cooked up!"
"Well, that's OK! My version of mussar has more to do with Budhuism than anything and so long as they are not Chassidim and acknowledge that I and my teacher, Alley Moronnos, are the leading masters of mussar today, I'll take them as students!"
Before Khaitman could start laughing, his phone rang:
"Yehuda, sholom aleichem" his rabbi greeted him: "Aleichem sholom" came the reply. After inquiring as to each other's welfare (not to be confused with welfare cheques, which neither one receives), Rabbi Mendy Eisenman continued: "Remember I asked you whether you saw who was coming in and stealing all the chassidus leaflets in shul erev Shabbos? Well, he is actually on his way to Creedmoor; he's a New Yorker originally and he was picked up doing the same thing in Flatbush! Mickey something...."
"Really! I've got him then! He's not committable but I am trying to get him over to outpatient; he was banging his head over in the Gonover Rebbe's chotzeir!!!!"
"Well, see if you can put him away or at least get him into treatment. He's a pathetic case; not dangerous but a real pest. He leaves all kinds of messages about Moronous Mussar conferences..."
"Yep, that's my man! Thanks! Zait gezunt - see you tonight at the farbrengen im irtze Hashem"!
With that, Mickey, who overheard the conversation, became quite indignant: "A koifer and an oived avoido zoro has no neemanus! You CANNOT take me for treatment! I am the only voice of true Judaism left on the planet and I have six true followers!"
"Mickey, well, it seems that somewhere in this bureaucratic mess is an order requesting your treatment, because trespass as you just committed yet again, combined with destruction of private property, are misdemeanors, and I'd be happy to ask Rabbi Mendy if I can call the cops and have you arrested..."
Mickey realized he was cornered, and followed the doctor to the outpatient clinic, where Dr Prasad Patel, wearing an aluminum Sikh turban that was said to be filled with EBT cards, awaited the duo:
"Prasad, get that tin foil off your head NOW! This is NOT crazy rabbi time. He's away and you just might also get sent away! This guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur and possible paranoid schizophrenia. And like you, he's a grade three pest! See what you can do! C-200 is empty if he needs to stay overnight!"
Dr Khaitman then returned to his office and left the mussar scholar with his equally authentic Sikh counterpart.....
To be continued on Nitel Nacht Beis (6 January 2008). This is based on the ramblings of a perennial pest and self appointed scholar on a well known Jewish forum.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Coming Up on (one or the other) Nitel Nacht - Mickey the Machloikes Man
BS"D
Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.
But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.
And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.
Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.
To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.
Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.
But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.
And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.
Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.
To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Ve ha'ir Creedmoor tzohalo vesomeicho...
BS"D
The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.
Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.
And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.
So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.
But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.
While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.
I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to Obamaberration.com.
While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.
So, check out Obamaberration.com if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)
If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is http://lightwell.wordpress.com for more serious Chassidic thought.
The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.
Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.
And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.
So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.
But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.
While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.
I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to Obamaberration.com.
While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.
So, check out Obamaberration.com if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)
If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is http://lightwell.wordpress.com for more serious Chassidic thought.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Please Send Ahmadinejad A Letter
BS"D
As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).
However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.
Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:
-------------------------------begin here---------------------------------------------
The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.
Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:
As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.
His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.
Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.
In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.
With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,
(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)
------------------------------end here---------------------------------------------
I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.
As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).
However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.
Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:
-------------------------------begin here---------------------------------------------
The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.
Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:
As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.
His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.
Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.
In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.
With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,
(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)
------------------------------end here---------------------------------------------
I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.
Monday, September 15, 2008
ideas
pell grants, welfare students, full scholarships, tuition paid in food stamps, senators get a percentage to their campaign funds, schmoigerman dinners and endoresement for candidates.
Creedmoor U Becomes a Federal Research Institution - Part 1
"10,500,000 diversity points! Now I will definitely be promoted to Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Director of Frivolous and Wasteful Grants" exclaimed the most eminent product of Affirmative Action hiring policies, Ms Tossretta Wastehead.
Ms Wastehead, who pronounces her surname Wast'ed, is a native of Guam. Her father was born in Burkina Faso to Nigerian bank scammer parents who had decamped to Burkina Faso in order to be able to send out advance fee letters from a country other than Nigeria, whereas her mother was a Native Guamite of Antiguan origin, not to be confused with Natural Guano of Avian origin. Such a background, of course, counts for many preferential hiring points under the US Affirmative Action system. Therefore, our dear Ms Wastehead, a single mother, was very quickly promoted from her entry level position as a junior dishwasher in the Warren Harding Federal Building to her present post, which is designed to keep Affirmative Action hires out of the trouble that might result if they were given productive work with real deadlines.
At present, she is but the Third Deputy Assistant to the Second Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Depilatory Director of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America, a position that carries far less prestige and a lower G-scale, or as she called it, G-string, than her desired position. Since Mrs Wastehead was only three years from pension age, her goal is to retire at the highest possible pay level and to use her generous pension in order to take advantage of all sorts of minority contractor and promotion of incompetent business laws once she sets up shop as a certified financial laundering and sanitization contractor.
And the source of her joy and hope was a proposal issuing from Professor Rector Dean Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman, whose credentials included a Psy. D. from The Discount Online Degree Site, and his Second Concubine Princess Rabbanit Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman, of the Alcatraz Island branch of the R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.
She could hardly read the fine print, boilerplate and other obfuscation that comprise the hallmark of any Federal grant proposal, but which are elevated to an art form by the Schmoigerman enterprises. All she could see was that the principal applicants were Chassidic Jews of Native American and Other Minority heritage who resided on a tribal reservation and had hitherto suffered from discrimination so intense that they could not obtain advanced degrees, thereby relegating them to life on food stamps, welfare, and other Federal and State entitlement programs. This was also the first application to issue from the newly chartered University, which had obtained its charter online in the same fashion that its principals had obtained their credentials.
And the best part of it was the astounding number of research subjects: Ninety-four trillion, with a margin of error of two per cent. Yes, 94,000,000,000,000 subjects would be participating in a study aimed at improving the lives of food stamp recipients by observing their purchasing habits.
Now, how could this be done? Very simply, by issuing two extra months' worth of food stamps to each participant so that the researchers could observe how each one used his, her or its benefits to purchase food over eight Friday afternoons. This would be in addition to the forty-three billion dollars requested by the research institute so that they could purchase a supercomputer strong enough to monitor and analyze the mountains of data that would result.
For this, there was need for special approval and sponsorship by 2 senators. Only members of the Donkey Party would do, as only they believe in printing extra money in order to fund public non-works projects and keep their voters happy and the economy depressed so that more people need the entitlement programs that they favor.
We do not want to risk libel laws by naming them, but suffice it to say that they are names well known to anyone who has been following the donkey side of the US Presidential Elections. One is the formerly favored female donkey, whereas the other is none other than the present minority donkey....
Ms Wastehead, who pronounces her surname Wast'ed, is a native of Guam. Her father was born in Burkina Faso to Nigerian bank scammer parents who had decamped to Burkina Faso in order to be able to send out advance fee letters from a country other than Nigeria, whereas her mother was a Native Guamite of Antiguan origin, not to be confused with Natural Guano of Avian origin. Such a background, of course, counts for many preferential hiring points under the US Affirmative Action system. Therefore, our dear Ms Wastehead, a single mother, was very quickly promoted from her entry level position as a junior dishwasher in the Warren Harding Federal Building to her present post, which is designed to keep Affirmative Action hires out of the trouble that might result if they were given productive work with real deadlines.
At present, she is but the Third Deputy Assistant to the Second Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Depilatory Director of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America, a position that carries far less prestige and a lower G-scale, or as she called it, G-string, than her desired position. Since Mrs Wastehead was only three years from pension age, her goal is to retire at the highest possible pay level and to use her generous pension in order to take advantage of all sorts of minority contractor and promotion of incompetent business laws once she sets up shop as a certified financial laundering and sanitization contractor.
And the source of her joy and hope was a proposal issuing from Professor Rector Dean Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman, whose credentials included a Psy. D. from The Discount Online Degree Site, and his Second Concubine Princess Rabbanit Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman, of the Alcatraz Island branch of the R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.
She could hardly read the fine print, boilerplate and other obfuscation that comprise the hallmark of any Federal grant proposal, but which are elevated to an art form by the Schmoigerman enterprises. All she could see was that the principal applicants were Chassidic Jews of Native American and Other Minority heritage who resided on a tribal reservation and had hitherto suffered from discrimination so intense that they could not obtain advanced degrees, thereby relegating them to life on food stamps, welfare, and other Federal and State entitlement programs. This was also the first application to issue from the newly chartered University, which had obtained its charter online in the same fashion that its principals had obtained their credentials.
And the best part of it was the astounding number of research subjects: Ninety-four trillion, with a margin of error of two per cent. Yes, 94,000,000,000,000 subjects would be participating in a study aimed at improving the lives of food stamp recipients by observing their purchasing habits.
Now, how could this be done? Very simply, by issuing two extra months' worth of food stamps to each participant so that the researchers could observe how each one used his, her or its benefits to purchase food over eight Friday afternoons. This would be in addition to the forty-three billion dollars requested by the research institute so that they could purchase a supercomputer strong enough to monitor and analyze the mountains of data that would result.
For this, there was need for special approval and sponsorship by 2 senators. Only members of the Donkey Party would do, as only they believe in printing extra money in order to fund public non-works projects and keep their voters happy and the economy depressed so that more people need the entitlement programs that they favor.
We do not want to risk libel laws by naming them, but suffice it to say that they are names well known to anyone who has been following the donkey side of the US Presidential Elections. One is the formerly favored female donkey, whereas the other is none other than the present minority donkey....
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Weiss Release Countdown
17 more years of tshuva (2754 instead of 2737) for the great tzaddik but at least he is not being released on Yom Tov! What a zechus to be able to do tshuva for generations yet unborn - and now one more generation has been added! Yomim al y'mye mylech toisif - shnoisov kmoi doir vodoir!
Also, the Admou'r meCreedmoor spoke this past Shabbos of the great zechis which Reb Sholam'ke has to be incarcerated in Lewisburg, which means (in Creedmoorish) har ha-levi'im. Whether the Admou"r was referring to shevet Levi or the counterfeit Levi's ring he and Weiss used to operate together in Malaysia is unclear, as is anything having to do with the Admou"r and Reb Sholam'ke.
Also, the Admou'r meCreedmoor spoke this past Shabbos of the great zechis which Reb Sholam'ke has to be incarcerated in Lewisburg, which means (in Creedmoorish) har ha-levi'im. Whether the Admou"r was referring to shevet Levi or the counterfeit Levi's ring he and Weiss used to operate together in Malaysia is unclear, as is anything having to do with the Admou"r and Reb Sholam'ke.
| 1. | SHOLAM WEISS | 32610-054 | 54 | White | M | | 11-23-2754 | LEWISBURG USP |
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Preview...A Research Grant for Creedmoor U.
Ninety four trillion research subjects. That is what caught the eye of the members of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America. And with such a large cohort of research subjects, approval was quickly forthcoming, along with the requisite financing.
The title of the project......................Food Stamp Usage Patterns Among Patients Suffering From Multiple Personality Disorder.
The name of the research facility...........................R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.
The name of the research director........................Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Psy. D.
Of course, Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has a legitimate claim to the title Psy. D - if it indeed stands for Psychopathically Deluded. Alternately, Rabbi Schmoigerman can claim any title and requisite certificate so long as it can be granted in the same fashion by which the venerable Admou"r received his certificate of rabbinical ordination "gezel vemirma lemehadrin". After all, this legendary and unique level of ordination was attained through the painstaking process of sending thousands of proofs of purchase from breakfast cereal boxes to a mail drop in Rockland County, New York in time for the festival of Purim.
Yet, when dealing with any matters between the Federal Government and said Admou"r, it can safely be assumed that gross fraud is involved.
And in this case, the fraud was so blatant and on such a magnificent scale that only the eminently incompetent bureaucrats of the Department of Education of the United States of America could be too obtuse to detect it.....
(more coming soon)
The title of the project......................Food Stamp Usage Patterns Among Patients Suffering From Multiple Personality Disorder.
The name of the research facility...........................R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.
The name of the research director........................Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Psy. D.
Of course, Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has a legitimate claim to the title Psy. D - if it indeed stands for Psychopathically Deluded. Alternately, Rabbi Schmoigerman can claim any title and requisite certificate so long as it can be granted in the same fashion by which the venerable Admou"r received his certificate of rabbinical ordination "gezel vemirma lemehadrin". After all, this legendary and unique level of ordination was attained through the painstaking process of sending thousands of proofs of purchase from breakfast cereal boxes to a mail drop in Rockland County, New York in time for the festival of Purim.
Yet, when dealing with any matters between the Federal Government and said Admou"r, it can safely be assumed that gross fraud is involved.
And in this case, the fraud was so blatant and on such a magnificent scale that only the eminently incompetent bureaucrats of the Department of Education of the United States of America could be too obtuse to detect it.....
(more coming soon)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
A very special guest!
LS"D
With gretitute to der Islamischer Republik fin Iran, we iz prout to announce det we iz hevink a special guest at der lekture on Sunday!
Hiz nomen iz der hyliger:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(husband of Moshe Aryeh Friedman fin Vienna)!
Reb Mahmoud gibt a special eddress on der topic fin "Usink Fotoshop far Makink Missiles Det Destroy der Tzioinishe Entity!"
Also Reb Mahmoud will be performink an a kappoore version of his hyliger niggin: "Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad" (Kokamamy sed der regime det okkupies Yerusholoyim gotta venish from der page of time)! [Bed news dis fit perfektly der niggin fin der koifer Mordkhe ben-Dovid "Iz Doch Mashma fin Rashi.."]
Don't miss dis lekture!
With gretitute to der Islamischer Republik fin Iran, we iz prout to announce det we iz hevink a special guest at der lekture on Sunday!
Hiz nomen iz der hyliger:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(husband of Moshe Aryeh Friedman fin Vienna)!
Reb Mahmoud gibt a special eddress on der topic fin "Usink Fotoshop far Makink Missiles Det Destroy der Tzioinishe Entity!"
Also Reb Mahmoud will be performink an a kappoore version of his hyliger niggin: "Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad" (Kokamamy sed der regime det okkupies Yerusholoyim gotta venish from der page of time)! [Bed news dis fit perfektly der niggin fin der koifer Mordkhe ben-Dovid "Iz Doch Mashma fin Rashi.."]
Don't miss dis lekture!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Annual Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Lecture
LS"D
Mit gretitude to der velfare syztem end sektzen acht, ve iz presentink dis year our ennuel Kamtza end Bar Kamtza Lekture Series:
Sunday 2 Menachem Av:
"What can we do to better ensure the destruction of the Medine?"
Speakerz iz:
Grandest Rebbe fin der Community far the Destruction fin der Zionist Entity in Hyligen Vien: Herr Oberrabiner Moishe Aryeh Friedmann (Imam Moussa Assad al-Faraj al-Majnoun).
Der mensch vus tit mehr far der destruction of der medine end puttink in denger der safety fin Yidden dorten den anyone else dese days:
The Recht Dishonorible Mr Ehud Olmert
Chief of Korruption Department in Prime Minister, Der Tzionishe Entity
Moderator:
Grand Rabbi of the Itbah al-Yahud Islamic Community/Ku Klux Karta of Monsey, Imam Moussa al-Dib Beck (Rabbi Moshe Ber Beck).
Herr Oberrabbiner Friedmann and Mr Olmert will diskuss what each of dem iz doink to make sure fin the destruction of the medine speedily end in inzere teg! You den decide fin der audience if Friedmann or Olmert iz bigger denger to der medine!
Couvert: 170 Food Shtempelach includez a Halal Lemehadrin meal catered by Hamas Caterink of Atlentik Evenue, Brooklyn. Blenk checks end Visa/Mesterkart/Americhkan Express numbers also aktzepted.
Location: Beis Medrash d'Creedmoor (D-ward Padded Dayroom)
Mit gretitude to der velfare syztem end sektzen acht, ve iz presentink dis year our ennuel Kamtza end Bar Kamtza Lekture Series:
Sunday 2 Menachem Av:
"What can we do to better ensure the destruction of the Medine?"
Speakerz iz:
Grandest Rebbe fin der Community far the Destruction fin der Zionist Entity in Hyligen Vien: Herr Oberrabiner Moishe Aryeh Friedmann (Imam Moussa Assad al-Faraj al-Majnoun).
Der mensch vus tit mehr far der destruction of der medine end puttink in denger der safety fin Yidden dorten den anyone else dese days:
The Recht Dishonorible Mr Ehud Olmert
Chief of Korruption Department in Prime Minister, Der Tzionishe Entity
Moderator:
Grand Rabbi of the Itbah al-Yahud Islamic Community/Ku Klux Karta of Monsey, Imam Moussa al-Dib Beck (Rabbi Moshe Ber Beck).
Herr Oberrabbiner Friedmann and Mr Olmert will diskuss what each of dem iz doink to make sure fin the destruction of the medine speedily end in inzere teg! You den decide fin der audience if Friedmann or Olmert iz bigger denger to der medine!
Couvert: 170 Food Shtempelach includez a Halal Lemehadrin meal catered by Hamas Caterink of Atlentik Evenue, Brooklyn. Blenk checks end Visa/Mesterkart/Americhkan Express numbers also aktzepted.
Location: Beis Medrash d'Creedmoor (D-ward Padded Dayroom)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Release Date for the Tzadik Hamoin Doirois Sholam Weiss has been Changed!
LS"D
Yes, the authorities have heard the plea of Sholam Weiss as publicized exclusively right here on this blog! He will be released on May 17 2737 from his new position as Rosh Federal Kollel Lewisburg:
Which in turn comes out to:
Iyar 24, 6497
The tremendous zechus of the great tzadik hamoin hadoirois, who is enrolled in an intensive Federal tshuva yeshiva for only 729 more years, is such that his release date was indeed changed from Pesach. This also enables him to do intense tshuva for yet another month!
Yes, the authorities have heard the plea of Sholam Weiss as publicized exclusively right here on this blog! He will be released on May 17 2737 from his new position as Rosh Federal Kollel Lewisburg:
| SHOLAM WEISS | 32610-054 | 54 | White | M | | 05-17-2737 | LEWISBURG USP |
Which in turn comes out to:
Iyar 24, 6497
The tremendous zechus of the great tzadik hamoin hadoirois, who is enrolled in an intensive Federal tshuva yeshiva for only 729 more years, is such that his release date was indeed changed from Pesach. This also enables him to do intense tshuva for yet another month!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Medical Mystery is Solved
A chance encounter with one of Moshe Aryeh Friedman's doctors revealed the following information:
"When Moshe was 15, we took him from Creedmoor to an orthopedic clinic to see if we could undo the damage to his growth plates that was caused by his spin in the washing machine as a baby. He was enrolled in a study in which equine (horse) growth hormone was supposed to be administered to him for several weeks. Instead, an extract made from equine posterior flesh was used. Or, in layman's terms, they took his medicine from the wrong end of the horse!"
This might explain why, as per the linked picture, Freeky Freedy has an outsized head and feet and a goofy, horse-like grin as well as being stooped (and stooooooooooooooooooooopid)!
And it certainly explains why Moshe Aryeh Friedman is ummm..der tuches fin a ferd, or in the Queen's English, a horse's arse!
"When Moshe was 15, we took him from Creedmoor to an orthopedic clinic to see if we could undo the damage to his growth plates that was caused by his spin in the washing machine as a baby. He was enrolled in a study in which equine (horse) growth hormone was supposed to be administered to him for several weeks. Instead, an extract made from equine posterior flesh was used. Or, in layman's terms, they took his medicine from the wrong end of the horse!"
This might explain why, as per the linked picture, Freeky Freedy has an outsized head and feet and a goofy, horse-like grin as well as being stooped (and stooooooooooooooooooooopid)!
And it certainly explains why Moshe Aryeh Friedman is ummm..der tuches fin a ferd, or in the Queen's English, a horse's arse!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy
As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.
So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:
GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"
Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!
----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----
GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!
Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!
GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!
Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!
GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!
Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!
GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!
Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?
GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.
Clerk: How you spell dat?
GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R
Clerl; OK I got dat!
GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.
Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!
GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!
Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!
GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!
Clerk: OK you decide man!
GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!
Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!
GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.
Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!
GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!
Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!
GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!
Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!
GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!
Clerk: Dat be cool!
Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.
He returns to the office:
GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?
Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!
Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.
Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!
Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!
So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:
GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"
Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!
----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----
GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!
Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!
GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!
Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!
GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!
Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!
GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!
Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?
GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.
Clerk: How you spell dat?
GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R
Clerl; OK I got dat!
GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.
Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!
GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!
Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!
GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!
Clerk: OK you decide man!
GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!
Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!
GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.
Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!
GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!
Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!
GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!
Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!
GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!
Clerk: Dat be cool!
Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.
He returns to the office:
GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?
Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!
Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.
Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!
Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!
Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):
Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.
Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.
At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:
311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).
Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.
311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.
Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!
311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?
Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!
(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?
Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!
The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:
"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.
Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.
While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."
Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.
Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.
Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.
Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.
At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:
311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).
Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.
311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.
Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!
311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's office...do you need an interpreter?
Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!
(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?
Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!
The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:
"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.
Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.
While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."
Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Der Admou"r Set to Solve Kosher Meat Crisis
The Admou"r meCreedmoor, through his communally owned shechita enterprise "Maachal Ben Drusoy", has stepped up to solve the present shortage of kosher meat.
As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).
Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.
Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.
As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).
Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.
Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
OFFICIAL: Der Admou"r Endorses Obama
The Admou"r meCreedmoor has emerged from retirement to volunteer as the hymishe spokesman for the Obama campaign. As always, our favorite tin foil wrapped deluxe fruitcake has made a profound statement of endorsement for his preferred candidate:
"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."
The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.
"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."
The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
The Final Creedmoor Post: Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet part 4
Yes, this is it. I just am not into this anymore, but still I do have the final information to finish the pathetic, yet exciting saga of Moshe Aryeh Friedman, whose journeys from Creedmoor to Antwerpen to Vienna began with a bedsheet stretching from his Creedmoor padded cell to....JFK International Airport!
"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."
And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.
But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.
So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!
And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.
The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.
And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"
The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!
Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.
Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.
"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"
Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)
"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"
50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.
And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.
How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.
Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.
Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.
And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.
"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."
And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.
But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.
So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!
And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.
The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.
And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"
The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!
Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.
Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.
"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"
Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)
"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"
50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.
And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.
How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.
Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.
Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.
And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.
Friday, February 22, 2008
An Open Letter from Reb Sholam Weiss
Dear Federal Bureau of Prisons:
It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.
Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!
Zeyr a grossen dank,
Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov
(reference: http://tinyurl.com/37n7xv)
NB: Weiss is right!
You have selected:
Tuesday, April 13, 2737
The corresponding Jewish date is:
Nissan 20, 6497*
So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!
Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.
It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.
Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!
Zeyr a grossen dank,
Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov
(reference: http://tinyurl.com/37n7xv)
NB: Weiss is right!
You have selected:
Tuesday, April 13, 2737
The corresponding Jewish date is:
Nissan 20, 6497*
So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!
Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Mishenichnas Adar Choizrim leCreedmoor
Sunday, December 16, 2007
From the Future Creedmoorer Archives - "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta-man" Chanukah 5776
*Yes, I am back for one post, which I am posting today rather than on Nitel Nacht as I do not know where I will be on that august, or is it December, night*
Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.
He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.
When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.
Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.
Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.
Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"
"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.
"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"
Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.
Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.
And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.
Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.
But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"
Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.
But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.
And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."
Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"
Dr Michael Weinberg left Borough Park just after Shacharis, even though his flight back to Eretz Yisroel was scheduled to take off at 11:30 PM. For Dr Weinberg had been the Medical Director of the one and only Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital many years hence, and he was curious to see what had happened in the fifteen years since he moved to Yerushalayim to open a drug rehabilitation center.
He drove his rental Jeep Grand Cherokee, the same car he had driven when he resided in Monsey, so familiar to him even if this incarnation of his erstwhile vehicle was so much more advanced and computerized than the last one he had driven, along the familiar roads that connected Brooklyn with Queens. As was his custom every time he returned to the United States for a visit, he stopped off at one of the few stores he missed, Home Depot, to purchase some 220 volt rechargeable tools, for as the son of a successful building contractor, the doctor was born with a drill in his hand and still enjoyed maintaining his own home and office.
When he reached Creedmoor, his first stop after checking in with security was not the medical lounge or the new director's office. With the exception of a Dr Eugene Khaitman, Russian born and like Dr Weinberg himself Ivy League trained and now treating the imagined neuroses of the wives of the nouveau riche tycoons of his native S Petersburg, the hospital had been in the slippery, slimy hands of a succession of incompetent and corrupt graduates of butcher training institutes in Kolkat (formerly Calcutta), Chennai (formerly Madras), and Kabul (formerly the semi-paved capital of a semblance of a semi-inhabitable country). Never mind that our dear doctor does not speak a word of Hindi or Pashtun; he really had no interest in even smelling the non kosher curry which replaced the corned beef that was once served in his former office.
Instead, he headed straight for the infamous D-ward, also known as Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, where according to the last set of US welfare records, EU disability payments, and yes, Zionist entity Bituah Leumi handouts, ninety-three trillion patients resided in a ward designed for perhaps two dozen of the worst incurables known to the medical profession before the advent of Thorazine and its successors such as Haldol and Geodon. For this ward was the domain of the Admou'r meCreedmoor, who managed to convince bureaucracies across the world that every one of his imagined multiple personalities was a real person, eligible for welfare. And every so once in a while, he forged discharge records for a couple of trillion of his charges, assigned them to vacant buildings that were heavily insured, and produced documents showing the buildings had suffered severe fire or water damage.
Dr Weinberg expected to hear the familiar sounds of the Admou"r's off tune and off key and off the wall rendition of the famous Neturei Karta nigun "Hashem Hee Malyknee," for the doctor's planned short sojourn in Home Depot turned into a major shopping expedition that would send the doctor's luggage far into overweight territory. That meant that he had arrived at 3:45 PM, which was early Shacharis in Creedmoor.
Instead the doctor was treated to a rather raucous song that sounded vaguely familiar to him: "Pilgrim State if I forget you, let me use a hammer to bang in a screw...." Needless to say, such lyrics were a total insult and affront to the highly mechanically inclined doctor, and he wondered where in the world they were coming from. A second later, he met the source, wrapped in an orange plastic bag and soiled in all his glory: "Misyovon the Creedmoorer Rasta Man!"
"Yechi, mon, yechi da melech da Halle Berry, ah mean Hayley Solass.." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" shouted Dr Weinberg, who knew full well from his years of experience with drug addicts that the once popular reggae singer would finish that last word with four letters which themselves form a word that means a void or a deep depression and is prefaced by "black" when it refers to an astronomical phenomenon or a losing investment.
"Hey, mon, dis real Chassid spirituality really turns me on! I left your lower worlds a long time ago when I was still kinda popular kauze I done had myself a habit taller than I is and dem Jews just didn't pay no more. So you know I ended myself up in Rikers and met the source of all spiritual expansion, mon, da Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe!"
Dr Weinberg did not even have to go through the trouble of finding the latest Patel psychiatrist in Creedmoor so that he could use his emeritus status at the hospital to obtain and read this new patient's chart. First of all, as a major Jewish music fan and amateur chazzan himself, he knew exactly whose stench was defiling his dalet amos (and realized how happy he was that he never let his children listen to the recordings of this performer in his heyday), and as an avid reader of the "haimishe" press, he was all too familiar with the latest star of the rather tame scandal pages of said press, namely "Gugunbosso Masriach Ben Doodoo Motokeke Adambobo", the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, a scam artist and unlicensed pharmaceutical retailer and wholesaler born and raised in the now largely Ethiopian slums of Be'er Sheva who now resides nine of every twelve months each year in a custom built duplex cell within the confines of Rikers Island, as he knows exactly in which qualities and quantities to peddle his wares so as never to land more than a 270 day Class C Felony sentence. While incarcerated, this miscreant mashpia enriches his burgeoning coffers by selling various psychedelic pharmaceuticals to prisoners, guards and staff alike, all under the supervision of a warden whose own habit renders him oblivious to the goings on among his charges, and whose political connections render him undismissable until such time as his substance abuse causes his body to malfunction at the same level as his three remaining brain cells.
Since New York was back in the hands of the looney left, the three strikes rule was unheard of outside Yankee Stadium, so the Reggae Rebbe was able not only to spend three months of every year peddling poison in his beloved Bushwick, but also to spearhead, or is it spearchuck, a major new religious movement. This new Chassidus was based on some Ethiopian cult which in turn gave rise to rasta, combined with Dimona/Chicago Black Hebrew drug and food fetish theology, and just plain greed. Having learned from Israeli criminals who put on black yarmulkes during their trials and got away with reduced sentences, he pronounced himself a rabbi, and showed an ordination certificate from a yeshiva that just happened to share an address with a notorious Russian pork restaurant in Be'er Sheva.
And one day, a Chassidic reggae performer, who was nearing the end of his fifteen minutes of fame and found it difficult not to use substances that he had used in his pre-Chassidic past (especially as he had now exhausted and moved on from fifteen different versions of Chassidus, from Chabad to Tosh to yes, Creedmoor), ended up arrested and sent to Rikers for pre-trial detention after he consumed said substances on the rickety stage of a Harlem dive.
Once in Rikers, he met his new spiritual guide and mentor (or perhaps misguide and dementor) the one and only Reggae Rebbe. The Rebbe welcomed his new Chossid in his typical way - with free samples of substances that would mean that the new Chossid could easily spend nine whole months with his Rebbe - and that is what happened especially as the Rebbe had several judges in his (brown and yellow) spotted loincloth pocket.
But the spiritual high which his new Rebbe purveyed would have a disastrous effect on the performer, whose few remaining neurons were misfiring as often as the pistons of the 1967 Volvo that Dr Weinberg had rescued from an Israeli dump and was intending to renovate for over a year now until his wife, like himself a physician from a wealthy home, put down her Manolo Blahnik clad foot and insisted that he either finish with the car or fill it with gunpowder and ship it off to some chain smoking mechanic in Ramallah (Dr Chana Doueck Weinberg was a Syrian Jew who did not exactly have much use for Muslims, even if neither she nor her husband, Agudah voters to the core, cared much for the State of Israel that they nevertheless supported with tax money and much volunteer medical work). That meant that he could not be held in a correctional facility, but instead, as it was said he rapped on the way to his new home: "Da Jah say my fate to be Rebbe Pilgrim State!"
Yes, the performer, now named Misyovon by the frum physician who evaluated him, was on his way to Pilgrim State, an institution to which even Creedmoor and G-building pale in comparison. As the Admou'r's antics were well known by now, and Misyovon had confessed to being a Creedmoorer Chossid for three weeks four years hence, Creedmoor was supposed to be off limits for Misyovon.
But Pilgrim State was slated for closure, and its three remaining patients under the age of 90 were summarily and sub-intelligently sent to the now fully decayed, dilapidated and decadent Creedmoor facility.
And that is why Dr Weinberg, stymied in his attempt to visit the Admou"r who spends Chanikeh in his warmer Alcatraz abode, was serenaded with: "From the forest itself come da ganja which I lack cause dem Jews dey done stabbed me in da back. Took dem years to see through my reggae act chop em down chop em down chop em down chop em down..."
Dr Michael Weinberg, whose purchases at Home Depot included a large cordless circular saw that could easily be recharged using the flickering 110 volt current at Creedmoor just as easily as the 220 volts that powered his large home in Har Nof, was seriously tempted to "chop down" Misyovon using said saw. But knowing full well that such an act would be ossur al pi halacha and might land HIM a berth near the Rikers Island Reggae Rebbe, he simply walked out to his rented vehicle as he sang to himself: "He did it all for GELT, some quick and easy GELT, now he's singing nonsense in a dunce cap made of FELT!"
Thursday, August 16, 2007
"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody
Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh
The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor
Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor
A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday
The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor
Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor
A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire
4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?
a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel
b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven
c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).
5) From who is your father havink smicha?
a) Satmar
b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin
c) Reb Sholam Weiss
6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day
a) Not worth from thinking about
b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar
c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.
7) To what music you are listenink?
a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa
b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich
c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!
8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?
a) Nyne
b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele
c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"
Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.
You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.
You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.
You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare
You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.
a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel
b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven
c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).
5) From who is your father havink smicha?
a) Satmar
b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin
c) Reb Sholam Weiss
6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day
a) Not worth from thinking about
b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar
c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.
7) To what music you are listenink?
a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa
b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich
c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!
8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?
a) Nyne
b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele
c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in "NKORG.uk"
Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.
You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.
You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.
You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare
You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.
Urgent Request!
Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:
We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.
So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.
We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.
So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
The All New (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Questionnaire
Dis kvestiyenayre iz multiple choice. Now, I know dat by unz, multiple means meny, like, you know, multiple velfare eplikayshenz, but dis time it means you are to make ONE choice from der list far each question:
1) From what color is your tablecloth?
a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.
b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.
c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!
2) What is doing dyne tatte?
a) Er iz a roov in a shil.
b) Er iz a meshilich
c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.
3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?
a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein
b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach
c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)
(more to come tomorrow)
1) From what color is your tablecloth?
a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.
b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.
c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!
2) What is doing dyne tatte?
a) Er iz a roov in a shil.
b) Er iz a meshilich
c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.
3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?
a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein
b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach
c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)
(more to come tomorrow)
Thursday, August 02, 2007
The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form!
Yes, here it is. The form that everyone from Williamsburgh to Monsey to New Joel to Square Circle has been waiting for. The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form! Velfare, Sectzhen Acht, Medikaid, Disability, SSI, HEAP, all in one easy to chap form, written af Hymish of course:
1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).
2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).
3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?
4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?
5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)
6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):
____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer
7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer
8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________
9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________
10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?
11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?
12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?
13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).
1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).
2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).
3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?
4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?
5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)
6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):
____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer
7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer
8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________
9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________
10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?
11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?
12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?
13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).
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