Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul

BS"D

Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

Coming on Friday...The Kingdom of Toracinia

BS"D

Forget Don Quixote del Toboso, or is it Dulcinea del Toboso. Meet El Rey de los Reyes Melech Malchei Hamelachim Vital Haim de Menubal de Toracinia....

"He found exactly what he was looking for when, thrown out of his house yet again by his mother in law, he went off for a long ride on his purloined steed Hamor, reaching a rocky outcrop claimed by no one and inhabited only by a flock of birds. This outcrop and the surrounding few hectares would become the Kingdom of Toracinia, consisting only of a palace and a mint which produced coinage bearing the emblem of the de Menubal de Toracinia dynasty......a squirrel feeding on acorns and the infamous "pan de kokosh", as the vile and deplorable de Menubal stock in bakery trade was now called..."

"Knowing that he risked execution for his many financial shenanigans and sale of adulterated foodstuffs, he often feigned insanity in public. de Menubal claimed he moved his family to the foreboding rocky lands in order to harvest the famous flora de Toracinia that was known to help in cases of extreme madness.............."

The True Beginnings of the Schmoigerman Scammer Dynasty - Don Vital Haim de Menubal part 2

BS"D

The enterprising and thoroughly corrupt Hymie would soon find a new use for his mentor Du'ecq's "la barata". He found out that a concentrated solution of Du'ecq's adulterated wine vinegar would soften wood, enabling him to change the inscriptions on the famous wooden alms entitlement cards that were his family's stock in trade ever since they arrived in Spain from Eretz Yisroel.

So, he began to issue his own cards and then to soften them, change the inscriptions on them, and resell them after one mark after another purchased them from him at 80 or 90 per cent of face value and found themselves essentially paying 150 per cent more for staples at the market as the counterfeit cards only entitled the bearer to a small and basic food ration. The rest of the ration was indeed paid for by the community, and went to none other than Hymie himself.

In addition, Hymie would augment his income by running what became known as "la juega de Sheketz Arroz," the infested rice game. He would lend one particular market stallholder money at exorbitant interest, and send thugs to mark all of his dried goods with the damning phrase "Sheketz Arroz" - "an abomination in the rice". This meant that the goods were not kosher, and that most gentiles would reject them as well due to insect infestation. Miraculously, a Menubal agent would appear at the stand with a wagon load of "BaDaTz Sefarad Mehadrin" grains, certified with a barely visible kosher seal, of course by none other than "Haham Vital Haim de Menubal". Never mind that such a certification was not even worth the material used in manufacturing the seal; most women in Spain were illiterate and had no idea what the seal meant. Indeed, consumers believed that the grains were special and therefore willing to pay three times the price of regular grain.

Soon enough, Hymie Nebela became a wholesale grain trader, or more accurately a wholesale fraudster of the first order. He invented a new measure called the "sharp ton" (tonna acuta), which consisted of perhaps three tenths of an actual ton, the remainder of the crate being filled with nothing but what was termed "wind and hot air". Of course the price for a "sharp ton" of Nebela flour or rice would equal four times that of an actual ton of non kosher certified grains, and anyone who complained or refused to take the Nebela grains on credit at exorbitant interest would awaken the next morning to find an armed thug and a sign "Nebela Foods Limited" adorning their stall. By now, practically every merchant who had not been driven to ruin by the Sheketz Arroz scheme was forced to buy from the Nebela enterprises.

And since royal titles were easy enough to obtain in the various kingdoms that comprised the Spanish territories, even Hymie Nebela became a knight, taking the royal name of "Don Vital Haim de Menubal, Duca de Vaca". In time, Duca de Vaca, which meant Duke of Cow, would become the basis for an old Spanish song mocking the easy availability of such titles. And later on, in the colonies, English colonists would mistranslate the title of the song as "Duke of Earl", also mocking spurious titles of nobility which were as available in England for the right price just as they were in Spain.

Now, as a nobleman, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, who still claimed to be the very model of a Spanish rabbinical scholar, could realize his long held goal. He could rise to the very greatest heights of deceit and avarice by opening his own private mint, using the same principles of honesty and manipulation of weight and measures that he relied upon to invent and popularize the "sharp ton".

All Don Vital Haim de Menubal had to do was to find a willing king with a willing kingdom. This, as we shall see, proved quite simple for this man of great imagination and even greater moral turpitude.

Don Vital Haim - from Nebela to De Menubal..making a mint the old fashioned way - part 1

BS"D

Certainly, the most distinguished ancestor in the Schmoigerman-Nebela-de Menubal family tree was Don Vital Haim de Menubal. Born Hymie Nebela in Montres, Vital Haim de Menubal would actually become the proprietor of a mint of his very own.

Having been banished from Montres at the age of 12 when the area came under the rule of a nobleman who was determined to remove the "pestilence known as the Nebela family" from his fiefdom, de Menubal found himself in a rather sleazy part of the great city of Seville, where his father quickly established himself as a purveyor of many illicit pleasures of the flesh. Young Hymie was of course enlisted to help his distinguished parents, usually as a tout in the now famous "Tres Cartas de Monte" card games, but also as a runner for illicit cash and as a carver of forged wooden alms cards.

But Hymie knew that he could do far more with his inherited penchant for fraud and deceit. So, using the phony alms cards which were given to him as bar mitzvah presents, he obtained bug and excrement infested flour, offal, and rotten or overly dried carobs. With that, he began to bake and sell a product which his ancestor Todros had sold in his take out store in pre churban Yerushalayim, namely pat d'kokosh. Pat d'kokosh was indeed the ancestor of today's kokosh cake, but unlike today's version, which was actually based on an updated and sanitized recipe used by Atilla the Hun who in turn copied it from a de Menubal who supplied him with weaponry for his army, it was a rather disgusting concoction, which included not cocoa, but kokosh, an obscure Aramaic word referring to what is today known in any mikveh dressing room as "dreck". (Apparently the Huns, ancestors of the Hungarian Magyars, saw the similarity in appearance between dreck and cocoa and adapted the word kokosh to mean the cocoa used in the sanitized version of kokosh cake.)

At this time, Jewish families began to mark their homes with carvings of noble animals - for instance an Aryeh Yehuda would mark his home with a lion, or a Binyamin Zeev with a wolf. In due time these animals would become part of the family names taken by Jews to avoid being known as Jews during the Inquisition; Lopez from Lobo, meaning a wolf, or de Leon from leon, which even a graduate of Toire veKanois should recognize as the Spanish word for lion.

And young Hymie often found his way to a home situated far from the rest of the stately homes of the "juderia", or Jewish quarter, and marked with that most ignoble of animals, the lowly rat.

This was the abode of Solomon Du'ecq, "La Rata de la Juderia," a miserable little rodent of a man who made his rather prosperous living not only as a swindler who claimed he needed investment to build palaces for some noble or another, but also as a moser who would report Jews for violations of unenforced rules, such as those pertaning to manufacture of wine for Kiddush. This was because Du'ecq, in some dialects pronounced with a soft R, similar to the Arabic 'ghayin, in place of the u, had yet another enterprise; relabeling vinegar as wine and selling it as "wine of the Cohen Gadol*," which he had ostensibly had in his family's possession since the dispersal of Jews to Spain after the churban. His wine was also known as "La Barata" as it was less expensive than proper wine, and soon, cleaning ladies from the Latin American colonies who cleaned homes in the Juderia would learn that "La Barata" was actually not bad for washing floors.

But the Jewish matrons, who were familiar with Greek words from their husbands' commercial travels, referred to it as "La Economicqa," also meaning "the cheap stuff". And they would also find out fast enough that they did not need to buy "La Economicqa" from the reprehensible Du'ecq, but that they could find a similar product, namely simple diluted vinegar, in any marketplace throughout the Spanish Empire. (Years later, another renegade, perhaps a Du'ecq descendant, would migrate from Aleppo to Ottoman Palestine and begin selling liquid chlorine to his fellow Sefardim who searched for "la economicqa" in then vinegar starved Eretz Yisroel. His fraud backfired as the chlorine proved even more efficient for cleaning floors, and thus was born ekonomika, the national cleaning product and kiddush staple of Eretz Yisroel).

Of course Du'ecq needed to put an end to that, and Hymie de Menubal would be the one who showed him how, to the great benefit of both and to the detriment of every Jewish balabuste in the Spanish Empire.

*(It is indeed believed that Du'ecq was the ancestor of the noted Pedro Domecq, a very legitimate vintner and distiller who founded the House of Pedro Domecq, now part of global giant Pernod Ricard. Apparently, a renegade member of the clan, forced to live as a Catholic after the Inquisition, actually engaged in legitimate commerce (an anathema for the Du'ecq clan) and began selling proper wine and brandy while changing his name to avoid both persecution and association with the Du'ecq clan. This is quite plausible as the main product of Pernod Ricard is pastis, known in the Jewish world as arak. It is known that Solomon Du'ecq's grandson, also named Solomon, began selling arak distilled from worn out wooden alms cards, moldy pat d'kokosh, and various and sundry other forms of detritus and ordure. Moreover, arak is often referred to as dreck especially by unwitting yeshiva bochurim who taste it for the first time on Purim and find themselves suffering from headaches and gastric distress for several days.)

Correction...and the yichus goes even further back, to Sdom!

BS"D

This from the Haham baLeylot of the Sefardi Congregation of Creedmoor (Frenkel's Shul), Haham Rahamim Loyashar:

"Gimpel, your information about the cards is not correct. I am also a de Menubal de Montres on my mother's side and we were always told this about the "tres cartas":

In Spain of old, the poor were supported anonymously, with wooden cards which they took to the market and which entitled the bearer to free food and clothing that was then tallied by the merchant and paid for by the communal tzedaka fund.

Our ancestors forged and sold these cards, and also used them in their card tricks that later became three card monty when printed playing cards replaced the cumbersome shingle sized wooden alms cards. Once the counterfeit cards were forged and sold, the situation became such that the community tzedaka fund was paying for food and clothing for thousands of poor people. Actually, the Jewish population of the town was perhaps 1000 with maybe 30 true aniyim or cholim. Yet, just as today with our Federal chessed program fraud, somehow 40,000 aniyim were getting free food from the communal till!

Of course most of the free food which was obtained by Nebela shills or family members was being exported to other parts of the Spanish empire, or sold in one or more of the Nebela restaurants, take out shops or even the famous HyperNebela supermarket. The rest of the cards were sold to renegade Jews and goyim alike. In fact, the phrase "Shygetz Aross" is based on the Judeo-Spanish phrase "Sheketz, arroz," meaning that there is an unclean creature in the rice, but also a code meaning that a non-Jew was coming to buy food with an improperly obtained tzedaka fund card.

HyperNebela was the first major kosher store in medieval Spain to accept both forged and authentic alms cards, albeit of course for its own reasons, namely both collecting cash from the alms fund AND reselling the cards to unwary travelers who were told it was a sort of identification card that was necessary to carry when traveling in the region.

Actually, it was an identification card of sorts as we Nebelas controlled much of the brigandry in the region and when one of our highway robbers saw this card he knew that the traveler was a mark and a sucker who was therefore fair game. We were true followers in the ways of Sdom ve'Amorah, but rather than getting burned and turned into pillars of salt, today we are the leaders in pillage when it comes to incinerating buildings and salting insurance proceeds away in Lichtenstein, Panama and the Cayman Islands.

In fact our earliest traceable ancestor is someone who fled Sdom before it was turned into a pillar of salt. The chain of descent from the Baalei HaChessed d'Sdom is lost, however, and only our reputation for chessed and mischar al pi minhag Sdom remains.

So, the three cards referred either to the three alms cards per resident that were forged by Yedidya Todros around the time of the naming of the city, or to the three wooden alms cards that marks placed their bets on while playing the predecessor of Three Card Monty."

Hope this helps, and thank you for preserving the history of our distinguished family for future generations of avarice and deceit.

Haham Rahamim Loyashar de Menubal de Montres, Samach Mem."

The Origins: A Stone Inscription

BS"D

Palestinian archaeologists who dug up a mound not far from Har HaBayis in a harebrained attempt to prove the absence of a Jewish presence in Yerushalayim were dumbstruck.

Here was what they dreaded the most; an engraved stone panel that, while worn, was clearly a list of prices for takeout food from a kosher butcher. Stymied in their attempt to disprove the Jewish connection to Yerushalayim, they hurriedly covered the mound and returned to their bomb making workshop in Abou Qalb, where in due time they obliterated any traces of themselves in a work accident.

But the hastily covered over mound attracted the attention of none other than Creedmoorer stalwart Boylish Krechtz, the famous kanoi of garbage can burning fame. As Krechtz, born Boaz Kramer, was a former Hebrew University student become kanoi "baal tshuva" (who was actually on the payroll of both the ShaBaK and the Admou"r who in any case may well be collaborating with one another), he recognized the mound as an archaeological dig similar to one he had participated in before his conversion (which was said to be a way of escaping cocaine and Ecstacy charges stemming from a number of rave parties he organized for his fellow students).

Knowing he could resell anything he found there to any number of museums under the guise of getting it out of Zionist hands and therefore aiding his beloved Palestinian cause, Krechtz uncovered the mound and found a stone panel with the words:

"Pat d'kokosh. 11 dinar"
"Basar d'flanken 31 dinar"
"Chamar 18 dinar litra"
"Kigel d'Karta 17 dinar"

In other words, he had found the window banner from a take out shop that had existed on this very spot centuries earlier.

And then his curiosity became even greater when he saw the slab of stone was seemingly vandalized with words that looked like "Cherem d'BaDatz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim".

He called his beloved Rebbe, who thanked him profusely, and asked him to decipher any other words which he could manage to read.

The only other word not destroyed by time contained the letters nun, beis, lamed - novol or perhaps nevela.

It took the Admou"r only one second to realize that his chossid had found the menu of his ancestor's Shabbos take out store, which had been put in cherem by the "BaDaTz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim" for selling nevelos.

And when his ancestor Todros escaped Yerushalayim years before the churban, after being banished by that very beis din which put him in cherem, he would bring with him a title deed to the second Beis HaMikdash. Of course, it was forged in the same stone workshop where he had printed his Shabbos take out menus.

And the most distinguished descendant of Todros the carrion vendor was his grandson, known as "Don Yedidya Teodoro Nebela," the Don in this case being a similar honorific to that used by the fictitious Don Vito Corleone. After a series of expulsions and banishments for various and sundry defalcations, he went on to settle in a town that became known as "Montres," a short version of its full name of "Monte de las Tres Cartas," or mountain of the three cards. While two of the three cards were said to be the shnei luchois habris, or at least the smashed luchois that Don Teodoro claimed he possessed and would sell time and time again to Jewish travelers, it was not known what the third card represented until very recent times when welfare cheques were replaced with EBT cards.

Indeed, it was here that a card game would be invented that would bring the first Nebelas a great deal of money and cement their nefarious reputation. That card game, the simplest of sleight of hand tricks, would later make its way to the New World with a stowaway on the Columbus ship "Pinta". And among English speaking arrivals to what had been Nieuw Amsterdam, the game became known as Three Card Monty, in honor of the town of origin of the family which had introduced it to the colonies.

The Nebelas of Montres would establish themselves quite nicely with the proceeds from their game, their resale of the luchois habris, and of course the ancestral trade of carrion butchery.

They also amassed many a cherem and were more than once sentenced to banishment, but this hardly mattered to them. Even then, the Nebelas were kanoim who despised the official rabbanim and negidim of Spain as "just a bunch of koifrim and tzioinim" and they soon established their own independent kehilla.

Soon, an even more extinguished descendant of Todros the take out man would go one step further and essentially establish his own kingdom, or at least his own currency.

He was Don Vital Haim Nebela, who would be renamed Don Vital Haim de Menubal, the de prefix indicating a royal favor, or in this case, well, a royal pain in the posterior.

(Next Post: From Nebela to de Menubal: Knighted for Running His Own Mint)

The Vast and Noble Yichus of the Admou"r meCreedmoor

BS"D

One of the highlights of the ongoing Moisdos Creedmoor d' Pluto melave malka was the unveiling of the noble, and rather straight, Schmoigerman ilan hayochsin (family tree).

More is coming tomorrow as we decipher the document, but the highlights are:

1) The Schmoigerman family tree began in a village in Spain called "Monte de los Tres Cartas", shortened to Montres, and it is from there that a well known card game, about which more will be told tomorrow, originated in the very family that later became Schmoigerman.

2) The family name at the time of expulsion from Spain was de Menubal, which as you can see is derived from the word "menuval". The family was expelled from Spain 100 years before the Inquisition ever began, for reasons that we will share with you in future posts.

Researchers believe the first Schmoigerman ancestor to reach Spain was a butcher who sold "nevela," or carrion, meat that died of natural causes which of course is not kosher. Apparently because of the prices he charged, the surname was not Nebela but the more refined de Menubal, for it was as if the butcher himself was one and the same as his meat. The surname is a testimony to the nature of the family even from the days of churban bayis sheini, which as der Admou"r cries "iz der antziger binyon I haven't claimed yet fin der insurance!" Yes, der Admou"r possesses a title deed and insurance policy on the second beis hamikdosh, and he explained how he came to possess this document and how it came to be that the property was registered in his ancestor's name!

3) The ancestors of der Admou"r married within the family, with one noble exception. It was that exception whose surname became a part of the Yiddish mikveh vernacular to this very day.

4) The family name became Schmoigerman in Hungary in 1768, when Hoishe Menuvalcso, who bore the Hungarian variant of the de Menubal surname, was branded "shoiteh, menuval, vegas ruach" on one of the first pashkvilkelach issued by the "Adas Charydim Nagyszar" of Nagyszar, Hungary. Apparently this name had something to do with the manner in which Menuvalcso manufactured and sold kokosh cake that contained wood chips, animal waste and other noxious refuse. That pashkvilke was the first printed by my own ancestor, and this is how we bear the surname Pashkvilkemacher rather than Nagyszarvary or a similar Hungarian surname.

5) The Admour's zaide escaped Nagyszar and was not a kapo as was believed. Instead, he was a British double agent who ran a black market, and had his own currency in Mea Shearim, which was a precursor to the food stamp. However, unlike Reb Amram Bloy who also ran a voucher system, the Admou'r's zaide Reb Groinem Schmoigerman sold his vouchers for "tzioinish gelt" which he then converted into pounds sterling. He served as a well known moneychanger, and was known for issuing his own "lira, franken, shekel, dolar, funt" in denominations not produced by the mint or central bank of the issuing entity.

6) The Admou"r was adopted by a secular couple in Canada for a short while when his mother feigned insanity and had herself committed to Creedmoor in order to escape a jail sentence for assisting her husband with several botched burglaries. He ran away from his adoptive parents after six months, and joined his mother, who by then had forged a title deed to her room and two adjacent rooms, in Creedmoor. Rebbetzin Shprintze-Cholerye Schmoigerman was therefore the first Creedmoorer Rebbetzin even if her son and not her husband (an amateur chazzan known as Der Zinger fin Sing-Sing) became Admou"r.

More details on this noble and exalted lineage coming tomorrow, motzash and Sunday as we relate the distinguished history of a family which dedicated itself to gezel, mirmo, machloikes and geneivas daas even as far back as churban bayis sheini!

The first KKK certified product is...

BS"D

Effective as soon as the check cashes, the following product is certified Kasher leMehadrin leGoalei Nefesh and Noki Mekol Chashash Timas haTzioinis by the "KKK" regardless of whether any symbol appears on the boxes:

"Uncle Mahmoud"'s No Hands Rice Casserole, Kholsad-Jendeh Sharia Rice Mills, Shiraz, Iran.

No Hands Rice Casserole (horesht-i-khosdeh) mixes are easy to use even when recovering from a second or third sharia amputation. We at KKK Kashrus are pleased to welcome our first product and its most reliable manufacturer, Sharia Judge "Chainsaw Mohammad" Ahmadzadeh.

The KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel

BS"D

While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).

"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...

And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.

Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?

And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./

Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!

At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..

Creedmoor Kashrus Coming Soon!

BS"D

The link between here and Pluto (as in my Internet connection) keeps going down. As soon as it is back to normal, hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to post the kashrus news and other highlights of the Admou"r's tish.

Admou"r Opens New Pluto Based Kashrus Agency

BS"D

The letter K means kosher. The letters KKK mean triple kosher. So explains the creator of the latest in ultra-mehadrin kosher symbols, the one and only Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who announced the opening of his new kashrus agency during his Motzoei Shabbos tish on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

The KKK symbol is bound to be controversial, as its entire modus operandi is very questionable even by rather lax Schmoigerman standards. Firms which do not wish to accept the certification are approached by anywhere from three to ten of the volunteers who comprise the famed Bulvanim community patrol.....

More coming soon!

First Report from Pluto - The Moisdois Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka

BS"D

This is only a short report of the present chaos which is occuring as all 150 quintillion of the Admou"r's personalities are being transported to the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At present, the Admou"r explained that thanks to some mushrooms provided by his loyal Alcatrazer Rebbetzin (Creedmoor West Coast), he reached Pluto just as soon as he chose to end Shabbos, which was sometime last Thursday, and he is now ready to begin the melave malka because after a steady diet of Alcatrazer Mushroom Kigel from Berzerkley he is able to bring all 150 quintillion of his personalities to his new moisdos.

Tomorrow morning, we will be able to decipher the Admou"r's latest gibberish and explain how it was none other than der Admou"r allyne who had Pluto declassified as a planet - and how he came to hold the title deed for the celestial body.

In addition, there will be a major kashrus announcement from the Admou"r, so come back tomorrow for more Creedmoorish Cretinism and loads of interplanetary gezel vemirma!

Emergency Update from Der Admou"r: Chyrem on Entertainment

BS"D

(Translated from the original Kanoish dialect of Gibberish)

"How long will it take until our generation understands that the only forms of recreation acceptable to those of us who follow in the ways of our exalted forefathers Kayin, Koirach, Doson, Avirom, Bilom, all the way through the generations to our benighted and orphaned generation where my words are as dust in the wind, are those which perpetuate our exalted duties to bring machloikes and pirud into this world!

We are yet again dismayed to hear that members of our holy conflagration, which has consumed so many insured buildings in its wake yet has not brought the final redemption of all food stamps, Pathmark double coupons, or even our hyliger Machloikes Dollars, let alone Nauru Series B bonds backed by avian guano, that holy substance which sustains our hyliger kehilla, are listening to music that is of the lowest kind, that which brings forth the toeva which the koifrim of our generation refer to so brazenly as "ehrliche negine" but is in reality toieva because it is a balm to the soul and therefore influences the listener to fight against the prolongation of this Golus that we so adore and which allows us to obtain our parnosse through the holiest means of Welfare, Section 8, Medicare, heat subsidies, and insurance fraud.

Therefore, I once again reiterate that ALL MUSIC WHICH HAS WORDS THAT DO NOT PROMOTE MACHLOIKES IS OSSUR LEMEHADRIN and ANY STORE WHICH SELLS SUCH MUSIC AS WELL AS ANY HOME OR CAR IN WHICH SUCH MUSIC IS PLAYED, EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE HOLY IN THAT IT IS FILLED WITH CHANDELIERS PURCHASED WITH FOOD STAMPS AND PROCEEDS FROM INSURANCE FRAUD, IS IN THE STRICTEST CHEREM. I have instructed our holiest of holies, the hyliger Bulvanim modesty squad, to stand guard at ALL HOMES AND STORES and to be prepared to damage and destroy all property, life and limb belonging to those who counteract my most holy decree.

I have also instructed the hyliger chazzan, Reb Shmarya Schmendrick Schmaltzsinger, to record a new album of the most exalted niggunim of our community. The album, to be called "Machloikes, Machloikes, Machloikes," will be available at subsidized prices to any hyliger Yid who brings in one or more disks of the niggunim of toieva and at least three carats worth of diamond jewelry that is not fitting for a pas Yisroel."

Signed: Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishone deKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Baal haMachloikes d'Doirynee hoYasoim, Admou"r Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman d'Pirud Kehillos Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hamisragshim UVoim Leoilom Voed.

Sneak Preview and Please Introduce Yourselves

BS"D

Just to let everyone know, this Motzoei Shabbos we will be bringing you a report, live, from the Creedmoorer Shtibl on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet, where the Admou"r will be fiering tish and kishing tush for the first time since he opened the shtibl in....yes, 5779 (we will explain this as part of our exclusive report as well, so don't worry, we do know what year this is even if the Admou"r doesn't). The Admou"r will finally even explain why it is that Pluto is no longer a planet, and you will be very surprised to learn the real reason behind this cosmic decison.

Also, could inzere hyliger visitors please use the comments feature on this post to introduce yourselves? I'd be interested to see where you are coming from and what you think of what I realized is actually one of the longest, if not THE longest, running Jewish humor blogs in cyberspace.

A groysen dank,

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher MD (Morally Defunct) for himself and for the late Rabbi Gedalia Dreckschreiber, Esq, Former Renowned Legal Malpractice Specialist, now "Deceased for Welfare and Insurance Purposes" and residing happily in the basement of the Ku Klutz Karta Masjid on Saddle River Road with his equally malfunctioning friends Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (ne Weiss) and Ayatollah Moussa al-Dib Beck.

Schmoigerman Confirmed as Nobel Economics Prize Winner

BS"D

No one is sure of his actual name, for his surname comes from the abbreviation for three rather pejorative Hebrew words meaning fool, "lowlife" and coarse of spirit. And he resides in the vacant part of a well known New York City psychiatric hospital, his 150 quintillion followers clearly a product of his deluded imagination.

Meet Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, fraudster extraordinaire and recipient of the 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics. Never mind that his own existence is a subject of much doubt; he has fraudulently masterminded the granting of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama as well as the granting of the economics prize to his own very self.

Yet, there are many who would argue that anyone who can successfully register 150 quintillion souls for various and sundry entitlement programs throughout the world, claim huge daily insurance payouts on burned properties which do not show on any maps, and maintain both a diagnosis of clinical insanity and his own independent country, is clearly worthy of some prize for economics.

After all, Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who admits in his authorized biography that he received higher rabbinical ordination by sending boxtops of kosher cereal to what probably was a prank offer orchestrated either by himself or a co-conspirator, has essentially created his own economy, in which his welfare and subsidy cheques as well as his insurance payouts are used to finance yet more fraud.

For instance, according to forged corporate records in the "Annals of the Great and Exalted Republic of Schmoigermania", one of the four or five registered names of the Rabbi's political entity which is located on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman or his affiliated congregations own controlling shares in most every major insurer throughout the world. This of course enables him to pay out policies on his own properties that do not seem to exist, although it is said that he inspires a few real world followers to commit acts of arson in order to profit from properties that have lost value due to the economic downturn.

Then, there is the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, which issues foodstamps in very odd denominations, bearing only a slight resemblance to authentic United States issued food stamps and accepted only by a strange cabal of grocers who seem to have ties to the rump "Neturei Karta" (Ku Klutz Kartel) of Monsey, New York and Manchester, UK. These grocers purchase the Schmoigermanic stamps from the Bank at a price somewhere between ten and fifteen cents on the dollar to return to customers who insist on change in cash for food stamp purchases (illegal) and then accept the stamps along with 138% of the purchase price in actual stamps for purchases of prepared food, household chemicals (especially kerosene) and other items that are not sold legally in exchange for food stamps.

And when the Admou"r runs out of food stamps to fund more and more audacious fraud projects, including, for instance, the sale of defective or expended American and European medical equipment to Fourth, Fifth and Sixth world nations (it is believed there is a Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman Street in Mogadishu, Somalia, so named by a grateful warlord who was able to use the Schmoigerman fraud machine to launder money in Schmoigerman's certified Maytag and Siemens washing machines), he simply prints more and more, and trades it for the sovereignty of his country by allowing holders of American, EU and especially Iranian currency to invest in "Schmoigermania" by purchasing "Hyliger Dreck Bonds" which boast an annual interest rate of 1600% paid out in of course Schmoigerman bucks.

If the average reader does not understand this, he need look only to the economy in the United States of America, whose President just won a Nobel Peace Prize thanks to the efforts of Schmoigerman affiliated judges "50 Cent", Beyonce Knowles, Michael Moore, and Perez Hilton. The United States under the Hussein Obama administration simply prints money to fund the purchase of defunct automobile firms, as well as to bail out insurance companies. This in turn devalues its currency, real estate and other investment vehicles so that Chinese investors, as well as Arabs who expensively feed American appetites for petroleum, are able to purchase the country's strategic assets for pennies on the devalued dollar.

The main difference is that Schmoigerman seems to have no tangible assets whatsoever except holdings in a small kokosh cake bakery located in the basement of a Rockland County Chassidic enclave. Then again, said "Kalman's Kushin Tuches Kokosh Kake Fabrik" is held free and clear by its investors. American assets are mortgaged to the hilt as the US digs itself further and further into debt.

So, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, who turns phantom assets into real money, and maintains both a sovereign nation and a vehicle for obtaining welfare from most of the free world, received the Nobel Prize for Economics.

And Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama, who turns real assets into real liabilities, compromises the economic sovereignty of the United States and turns it into a vehicle for cheap sale to the highest bidder from the not so free world, received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Breaking Mikve News: Schmoigerman to Receive Nobel Prize for Economics

BS"D

In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.

More tomorrow as details become available.....

A Creedmoorer Is Excused From Jury Duty

BS"D

Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.

Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:

"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"

When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.

Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.

The Creedmoorer Ushpizin

BS"D

So who are the Creedmoorer ushpizin for the 12 days of Creedmoorer Sukkos?

First Night: Nachash haKadmoni

Second Night: Kayin

Third Night: Yishmoel

Fourth Night: Lovon

Fifth Night: Esav

Sixth Night: Onan

Seventh Night: Amalek

Eighth Night: Agag

Ninth Night: Homon

Tenth Night: Chmelnitzky

Eleventh Night: Stalin

Twelfth Night: Ben Gurion (burned in effigy along with the sukkah itself).

Sukkos and Preparations for Sukkos In Creedmoor

BS"D

This year, the procedures for Sukkos in Creedmoor are as follows:

Sale of 10 day insurance policies to cover sukkahs will begin today, 56790 Menachem Av 5708 according to the Creedmoorer calendar.

This year, we are pleased to offer mehudar insurance policies from our very own insurance policy groves in Palermo, Sicily. These policies cover fire and all other forms of damage and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman as the main beneficiary. All other insurance policies are considered posul this year, especially those issued by any insurance company which is tainted by the timas hatzioinis.

In addition, your choice of dalet minim (representing the arba misois byse din to which we are zoiche) will be available at specially elevated prices. This year we offer either a stone-matchbook-knife-rope set for 6789 food shtempelach, or a stone-lighter-sword-bungee cord set for 9876 food shtempelach. Our take out food department will operate as usual during the sale of dalet minim, and this year we proudly offer polystyrene resin based galle, from polystyrene plants harvested in Eretz Hakoidesh Iran. In addition, those of our nshei chayil who need a new burqa for the chag may be taken advantage of by our Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and her staff of custom tin foil burqa weavers, who will custom fit burqas and charge accordingly. Remember that this year, we do not allow any woman to visit Creedmoor unless she covers her eye slits, so please be prepared to replace your burqa at the entrance to the Creedmoor Sukkos Expo if it does not meet the new higher standards of the Creedmoor Chumra Club.

Sale of kerosene will begin only on Tzioinish Simchas Torah so that the kerosene need not be stored over the period during which the sukkah is standing for insurance inspection. Our kerosene this year is from the Iranian state petroleum corporation and is certified noki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis by Kvoid Kedishas Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani himself. We also have a supply of aged Malaysian kerosene under the hashgacha of Rabbi Dr Mahathir Mohammed but this is available only to those who can prove they have burned down at least 1000 sukkahs over the past 10 years.

Finally, our Bulvanim volunteers are available for both construction and destruction of all fully insured sukkahs. They are graciously offering sukkah construction services for only 1000 food shtempelach this year, payable over a 12 month period in equal installments of 150 shtempelach.

We end by reminding all who have the demerit of participating in the Creedmoorer sukkah festivities to please construct the sukkah walls with Tzioinish flags that are defaced with a swastika. By doing this, you will be mekayem the mitzvah of burning both swastikas and Tzioinish flags, as well as showing solidarity with the true inhabitants of the Land of Israel, may it never be restored to us until we are able to witness the final redemption of our WIC cheques for tin foil shtreimlach and fake Prada tichlach.

Creedmoorer Explains that Machloikes Will Continue Forever

BS"D

During his famous yechidis (yichud) with his loyal "Bulvanim" squad members after Tzioinish Yom Kippur kiddush yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor explained that machloikes and violence between Jew and Jew will continue forever:

"Loi yissa GOY el GOY cherev" has nothing to do with any Yidden like ourselves, for we, unlike Tzioinim, are not called goyim or even shkootzim but rather we are the only ones who can be called Yidden as we are untainted by tzioinis, work and other goyishe concepts.

Therefore, even after the Lemach haMasriach has arrived, we, the chosen of the chosen, the Bulvanim who are chosen to defend Chassidis Creedmoor against all invaders, real or imagined, will continue our machloikes and even violent machloikes against all others who usurp the name Jew. It will be only the goyim, those who follow such goyishe concepts as the 613 mitzvos or even the 7 mitzvos bnei Noach, who will stop fighting and lead boring, meaningless, unexciting lives after the end of time".

After that speech, the Bulvanim attempted to walk to nearby shuls to start fights and violence, but were too drunk from the "Sholam Weiss Vineyards Pruno" which they drank at kiddush to accomplish much other than being stopped by guards when attempting to leave the Creedmoor grounds.

Schmoigerman Delineates Procedure for Kappoores

BS"D

"I hereby proclaim that it is most meritorious to expunge our sins by circling a burning Zionist flag around our heads 5708 times to expunge the terrible sin which was created in 5708.

Then, this flag should be thrown into a heavily insured chicken coop as a reminder of the chickenly cowardice of the Zionist regime.

We invite all of you who walk in the extinguished light of Chassidus Creedmoor to participate in our "A Kappoooore" on Monday morning, Tzioinish Yom Kippur, at 6 AM, in the Azoroh of the Creedmoorer Beis Mikdosh, formerly known as D-ward Exercise Yard, Ir HaKoidesh Creedmoor, Queens, Republic of the Great Satan leminyehem otherwise known as the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Most Exalted Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.

Guests will include His Highness Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, The Most Exalted Blathering Fool El Hajj Muammar el-KaDaffy, and our dear partners in sinas chinom and anti-Zionism who are members of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Thanks to an anonymous donor, flags for kappoores will be available at a reduced price of only 600 food-shtempelach for a standard one square meter flag, sewn by certified burqa weavers in Talibanistan. A less expensive Iranian chador-weaver made model will be available for 360 food-shtempelach per month for 10 months.

Beroiv sreyfo hadras oifos."

-Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishoin beGayves veTayves, Admou"r for Life of the Holy Congregations of Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Sheoil Tachtis, Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, son of Rov Koirach Schmoigerman of Karnotzelvar, Afghanistan."

Der Admou"r Replies to a Tzioinish Meme

BS"D

fin Chassidsavoda.blogspot.com a tzioinish kefire blog:

Rule number one: Read the rules.
Rule number two: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number three: Write why you chose that superpower over everything else.
Rule number four: Tag and link 7 people and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number five: Fix your broken links.

One: You write der rules in Englisch. I am readink only Hymisch and Ingarisch.

Two: Der superpower I am wantink is der ability tzi brennen all of the tzioinish medine to a crisp efter is gettink out all the people beck to Irak, to Ur-kasdim where we iz comink from anyway, mit a metch and just one gellon fin kerosine efter I am placink on it three hinnert insurance policies!

Three: From what I am wantink dis? Very simple. The tzioinish medine is responsible fin all of the tregideys fin mankind goink beck to der mabil but also inkludink der York messeker, Chmelnitzki, even der Armenian genocide. Iz always wantink everyone to do away mit der tzioinim and it iz clearly the foundink of the medine in 1948 det was responsible far all the tragediye goink beck to many years before it because it says in Avnye Skile that tzioinis this is tima that was created by the nachash hakadmoini and therefore has existed fin the beginnink of time. And alveys I am vant a very git return from myne investment so a gellen fin Iranischer kerosene mit Ahmadinejad's a hechsher is eppes drei tolar end insurence on the medine I ken make maybe far a few billion mit every company which I ken forge a policy.

Four: You want I should teg seven people? OK I teg:

Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Creedmoor

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerPERSON - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Alcatraz

Haham Rahamim Loyashar, Haham BaLeylot of the Dreck for Abidun Frenkel Sephardic Center, Creedmoor

Reb Koppel Ferdganver, Rosh Koilel, Colorado Supermax Federal Koilel

I find three more when I open der velfare list again tonight by kriyas yam soof.

Rule number five: I am not havink no broken links. By mir all is rechts except when I tell myne Chassidim to vote for the links because we iz getting othervise cut fin der velfare.

Shygetz Aross to you too!

Has the Creedmoorer really declared himself a getschke - and why?

BS"D

The Admou"r meCreedmoor - From Feigning Insanity to Feigning Divinity
The greatest fraudster of the millenium's latest step in his victorious struggle to avoid prosecution.

A Zionist New Year's Editorial from Der Vochediger Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke

While we at the VVBP tend to support the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his perennial struggles against the twin evils of Zionism and working for an honest living, we now wonder how it is that a supposed manhig beAzazel manages to declare himself an object of worship.

We are aware that among the Admou"r's 150 quintillion followers, there are a handful of Elokists who believe that he is indeed lehavdil kavyachol, or at least the midas ha-din, bedecked in a tin foil shtreimel and an orange garbage bag. Needless to say, there is a very good reason that these neshomos are receiving SSI and interred in a padded cell, even if it is the Admou"r Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman who is receiving those payments and charging rent for that cell.

Yet, this is the first time that Schmoigerman has declared that he indeed welcomes being worshipped as some sort of deity, perhaps a modern-day Moloch or Baal Peor. Even for us, this is simply going too far, as we are proud kanoim who believe only in the destruction of the Great Soton of America through multiple acts of federal entitlement program fraud, and of the Minor Satan of the medine through burning garbage cans, flags and everything else that can kindle major insurance conflagrations and explosions.

However, we are not ready to abandon our brave Admou"r in what may be his darkest hour.

Apparently, he is in no way proclaiming himself a getschke because he really believes in his own divinity or anything else other than his own vulgarity. Instead, it has become clear that this is simply the next stage in his quest to fully insulate himself from prosecution by the United States Government, in the horrible instance that the White House should return to its former whiteness after the 2012 elections.

It is expected that the first agenda of a non Affirmative Action president would be to root out massive federal entitlement program fraud, and perhaps even to boycott institutions which recognize the independence of the Independent Anti-Zionist Dictatorial Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Additional Ill Occurences (Malchis Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin). This would mean that the Admou"r can be duly prosecuted and eventually jailed or at the very least forced to flee to Iran (where his presence could serve as a pretense for bombing the Pistachio-Islamic Republic to shards). So, the Admou"r rightfully fears that his present status of interminate criminal insanity combined with recognition as a leader of an independent republic is not enough to guarantee him immunity.

Therefore, his call to return to the ways of Terach and indeed to worship likenesses of none other than his august, september, october and november self, is but another affirmation of his utter and incurable insanity. His rabbinical ordination has finally been validated after the final count of cereal box tops and milk cartons that were sent to the proper PO box, so that he cannot deny he remains a rabbi. On the other hand, he has now declared himself an idol, which makes it clear to only the most biased observer that he is indeed clinically insane and therefore should remain immune from prosecution so long as he claims Creedmoor as his primary residence and the residence of his 150 quintillion Chassidim.

D-ward has been granted to him in perpetuity and it is the only piece of property that he owns and has not burned to a crisp. Hence, it is clear that our revered and reviled Admou"r is in Creedmoor to stay and therefore need not fear jail now that he has proclaimed himself a getschke thereby showing his total, complete and utter feigned insanity once and for all.

We end by saluting the Admou"r's decision to get a piece of the market for New Age objects of worship and neo-Kabbalah charms by selling likenesses of himself. Indeed, we applaud his utter lack of respect for the Zionist tractate of Choshen Mishpat in that he declares outright that he has exaggerated the amount of precious metal in each silver or gold idol.

In fact, we at the VVBP have found that most of the Schmoigerman statues sold in "Uncle Terach's Alter Heim Getschke Gescheft" are made of recycled shtreimel grade tin foil and duly marked as silver or gold depending on whether or not they are spraypainted gold.

NB: Uncle Terach's is among our advertisers and is distinguished by having the oldest accounts payable, only because our bank refuses to cash food stamps issued by the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor and our newsprint and ink suppliers do not accept food stamps as payment. Otherwise, Uncle Terach's and its predecessor Megadreck Mehadrin, as well as its affiliated "Biyur haBinyan" enterprises would actually be running a positive balance of 100,000,000 Schmoigerman food stamps.

Creedmoorer: We must return to our roots before Avrohom Avinu

BS"D

During the Creedmoorer annual Tzioinish New Year tish, the Admou"r breched out the following:

"We must return to the way things were before Avrohom Avini, when we worshipped idols and there was no Tzioinis, no Lech Lecho in which Avrohom Avini took the land from the innocent Balestinians. Had Avrohom Avini walked in the ways of his father, Reb Terach, who was a Creedmoorer Chossid, and taken over his father's holy getschke shop, there never would have been timas hatzioinis and we would have lived in peace with our neighbors the Kenoonim. What is more, the shop would have survived to this day and been able to launder food stamps, EBT, welfare checks, checks from meshooloochim and all other forms of barely negotiable currency.

So, it has fallen upon my rounded shoulders and belly to indeed reconstruct the getschke shop owned by Reb Terach and to reopen it as a place to which offerings of food stamps and similar currencies can be brought at all times, even by those not actually purchasing holy objects at the blessed new venture.

It is with great pleasure tht I hereby announce that I, who walk in the ways of Terach and Nimroid and all others who worship getschkes of gold and silver, am opening a new shop on the premises of the Creedmoorer moisdois in Creedmoor shebeCreedmoor.

This shop, in which all of our Chassidim will be required to make purchases on an annual basis and using a perennial credit agreement, will offer three dimensional renderings of the almighty food stamp, which of course bears my holy likeness, so that you may always worship me and be reminded that the only real deity is the almighty food stamp even if you are not visiting the premises of the holiest of holies in Creedmoor or Alcatraz.

We will include a special kabbalistic book of prayers including invocations and excretions which are to be recited before engaging in theft and fraud of all types and which must be recited only while facing and embracing this special edition post-tzioinish getschke.

The getschkes will be available in silver and gold, which of course is what we who shuffle in the extinguished light of the ways of baseless hatred and unbridled fraud and deceit known as Chassidus Creedmoor actually do worship.

This holy store and our return to the idol worship of our truest ancestors will be a tikkin haneshoome for our holiest of the ovois Terach Oveeni whose neshomo is suffering from the tzioinish kefira of his descendants Avrohom, Yitzchok and Yankev with whom we of course have no connection whatsoever."

NB: Please assume that all weights and qualities stamped on our getschkes are overstated by at least 85% al pi masoires avoiseynee hakedoishim.

Schmoigerman: This year 5770 is "Tizoik Shygetz Aross!"

BS"D

"I hereby proclaim that for we who are untainted by timas hatzioinis and therefore do not follow the kefiradige tzoinishe spelling rules which are unacceptable to achynee bnye Yishmoel bekoil mokoim shehem, this year is to be known as Tizoik Shygetz Aross.

According to the rules for spelling loshoin haivris and also loshon horo in the hyliger Divrye Timtim HaLyve vehaMoiach, we spell Shygetz Aross with the same first letters as Shilchon Orich (a book of tzioinish kefire especially the section of Choishen Mishpot which we totally disobey in every waking moment of our lives as chassidei Creedmoor) and Shulem Alyechem.

All of these begin with Shin Ayin only because we can't change the alphabet to make them begin with Pye Tzaddik which is the true madryge we all strive to reach by the shouting of Shygetz Aross, the negation of the Shilchon Orich and the promotion of machloikes so as to stamp out the very name of the kefiradige author and desecrator of the mameloshen Shulem Alyechem who is tiff, tiff in der erd serving tea to Ben Gurion.

So let this year be one of shouting Shygetz Aross with great joy and enthusiasm so as to prolong this Golis and make sure that the only redemption is that of the double coupon for items purchased with food stamps at your local Pathmark.

Shnas skila, sryfe, hereg, chenek, and may we be zoiche together tzi der krisois in der misois!"

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, first and foremost in the promotion of strife, discord, fraud, deceit and Affirmative Action for 150 quintillion holy personalities kein yirbu!

Creedmoor Celebrates End of Ramadan Tomorrow

BS"D

"On this auspicious day of the end of the holiest month of Ramadan, we, the true Jews who are opposed to Zionism in any fashion and who wish to surrender our bodies, our souls and our property to the forces of the great and glorious Islam, wish our true brothers, the Islamofascist forces, victory over evil and impurity. We join you in looking forward to the great day when every woman and girl will cover herself in a tin foil burqa, and when ignorance and illiteracy, our shared goals, envelop the world once again. On this auspicious occasion, I am making a donation of 100,000 food stamps to build a mosque in the basement of the central outhouse of Creedmoor, for it is said that "my outhouse shall be an outhouse for all people". We welcome our Muslim brethren to a feast this Friday night in place of the celebration of the Zionist New Year, and assure you that all food served is halal and has no trace of the impurity of Zionism or of the Great Satan, for no American currency was spent to purchase the food thanks to our own food stamp printing press. We look forward to greeting our Muslim brethren at this auspicious occasion, and we will also begin construction of the Masjid ul-Outhouse ul-Kabir at this time.

To those who celebrate the New Year of Zionist kefira, we wish a heartfelt Shygetz Aross, but we will still welcome you to our shul at a price of 1000 food stamps per seat."

-Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, First and Foremost in the Worldwide Struggle Against Zionism and Leader of the Congregation of Baseless Hatred and the Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor and Alcatraz.

The Admou"r's Brocho for 5770 and the Sale of Dalet Minim in Woodburnt

BS"D

Visitors to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's end of summer residence in rural Woodburning, New York, were treated to a special greeting and brooche yesterday, as follows:

"Zolst di geschrabt in dem sefer fin gezel, mirmo, machloikes, pirud, genyve, falshe kanois in ochet in dem bicher fin velfare in section acht. A schlechter, farkokte tzioinish naye yohr!"

Translation: "You should be inscribed in the book of theft, deceit, discord, disharmony, theft and false zealotry, and also in the welfare and section 8 rolls. A bad and excremental Zionist New Year!"

The Admou"r spends the last Shabbos before the Tzioinish New Year in Woodburnt, a scenic hamlet that has been totally destroyed by insurance fires but for a three story outhouse which he uses as both his home and shul. When in Woodburnt, the Admou"r busies himself with giving hechsher on Creedmoorer dalet minim, which consist of dandelions, cannabis leaves, crabapples and brush. The average cost of a Creedmoorer dalet minim starts at 250 EURO and can reach as high as 10,000 food stamps, and Creedmoorer Chassidim from major satellite communities including Otisville, Wormwood Scrubs, Maasiyahu and Shattah vie for furloughs so that they can visit the Admou"r and purchase the dalet minim at thirty per cent discount. Upon return to their residences, the Chassidim hand over a bit of their stash of Creedmoorer hadassim (Cannabis sativa) to their mashpiim and roshei yeshiva (wardens) and sell the rest to those who are not as privileged as they are.

This minhag, one of the defining customs of Creedmoor, is called "gebentschte swag" in Creedmoorer Yiddish, a patois said by linguistic scholars to contain words borrowed from languages as disparate as Hungarian and Brooklynese.

Boilish Krechtz: R' Yair Hoffman presents an interview with a real, live Creedmoorer!

BS"D



The video is from http://www.vosizneias.com/38055/ and an English translation can be found there as well. (Boilish speaks Tzioinish but no English which makes him suspect right there. I would think a real kanoi would speak Yiddish and English).

Yoilish (a desecration of the name of the heiliger Tzaddik Reb Yoilish ZYA in this case) Krauss is the self appointed kanoi in charge of the Yerushalayim demonstrations.

Please remember that the Admou"r meCreedmoor does NOT advocate destruction of property, EVEN if it is a Tzioinish dishrag-flag, EXCEPT for purposes of illicitly obtaining insurance and then being able to claim to the judge that you are a mentally incompetent pyromaniac.

Neither the Admou"r nor his purported creator endorse the actions of this "Yoil Boil ha-Niddois" and we wish him a swift and permanent cherem as he is clearly not insane, but rather corresponds to the resh in the acronym TziBuR (tzaddikim, beinoinim, you know the last one). Yetamu chatoim min haaretz, chatoim af loi choitim but I don't think anyone will miss this one if he has a little work accident the next time he and his cronies burn tires or garbage cans. Anyway, that posuk ends - vereshoim oid einom.

And if you see him on the street, it is a segula to yell "Shygetz Aross" three times so as to negate the influence of his tuma, which is 1000 times worse than tumas hatzioinis even in Creedmoor. Please check the Zionist law regarding animal abuse before throwing a brick or rock at him because it is not worth sitting in a tzioini jail for this farkokte vilde chaye. On the other hand, "Shygetz Aross" was invented specifically for this mutant.

Yoilish Krauss (Boilish Krechtz) is a clear candidate, along with Solomon Drek, for Menivel of the Year 5769, and again it would be no great tragedy for klal Yisroel if he does not quite make it into 5770 in one piece - or if he ends 5769 in so many pieces that even the true charedim leshem Hashem of ZAKA cannot find all of the shards and fragments of this fragment of a man so that he does not even merit kevura beYisroel.

The only positive thing I can find to say about this menivel is that with the former Freeky Freedy of Vienna supposedly out of the running because he has done tshive, Boilish Krechtz does the best job ever of parodying himself and his self defined kanoius every time he opens his foul trap. And unlike the one who was formerly referred to as Freeky Freedy, this menivel is dangerous and violent.

The Ku Klutz Kartel of the USA and Europe is just a clown show like this blog. This is unfortunately the real thing.

The Admou"r's Directives for the Last Days of 5769 Elul 18-20

BS"D

While we do not accept the Zionist calendar and believe firmly that creation ended in 5708 with the founding of the medine on 9 Av which was moved up to 14 Iyar, we realize that many of our hidden Chassidim are aware of the Zionist calendar.

Therefore, it is recumbent upon all who walk in the light of Chassidus Creedmoor, which has been extinguished ever since Hymie's Hymishe Hardware was fined 3 full potato kigels for accepting EBT as payment for light bulbs, to make amends for all that they did not do during the past 12 months as follows during the last 12 days of the Zionist month of Elul:

Elul 18 - a particularly inauspicious day because it is the birthday of the Baal Shem Tov, who was known for his ahavas Yisroel and simcha. Therefore, it is most stringently recumbent upon us to engage in acts of machloikes which bring sadness. We should spread loshon horo, motzi shem ra and even engage in mesira so long as we profit from it financially. We should therefore sell information to husbands about wives, to children about parents, and most of all about one Rebbe to his opponent. This should be duly forged by listening to stories in the mikveh or ezras noshim and embellishing accordingly.

Elul 19 - Yud Tes is also an infamous gematria as it is on this day in Kislev that the Baal haTanya, an infamous Zionist, was released for his very real crime of supporting Theodor Herzl YMS by sending funds to the occupied Palestinian territories. Therefore, it shall be the day of burning Zionist flags, all of which are to be sewn in Iran and smeared with Iranian petroleum jelly before being set alight in heavily insured properties that do not necessarily have to appear on any official register. The Creedmoor Shlockim Office will assist with the provision of forged policies and phantom locations for only 131% of the total take, payable in EURO or Iranian tuman only.

Elul 20 - Chof is the first letter of chabolo, meaning destruction, according to our hyliger spelling and not that of the Zionists. Therefore, 20 Elul is the day on which our followers are to destroy public property, especially by setting fires to heavily insured garbage cans in the medine, may it be destroyed speedily and in our days. Again our Schlockim Office will provide policies which cover garbage disposals, and our crack squad of Bnei Shabab - Bulvanim will fight with the Tzioinazi police force to make sure a great time is had by all and the medine destroys any bit of kedusha that is left in al-Quds as-Sharif (der hyliger Quds).

More coming on Elul 20..

Drek Alleges Schmoigerman Offered Brain Tissue for Sale

BS"D

BSP (Bubbamyses Shonda Press)

When informant Solomon Drek approached Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in an attempt to get the world's best known miscreant behind bars and his own sentence reduced, he claims was met with a ghoulish proposition indeed. Our reporter interviewed Solomon Drek in his home, to which he is confined under house arrest while being monitored with a counterfeit Tiffany ankle bracelet. His attempt to sell said bracelet to Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, the Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, may result in added charges for the accused swindler, who faces over ten thousand years in prison.

Drek: "The rabbi told me, he could sell me unused brain tissue for transplant!"

BSP: "Brain tissue? There is no way to transplant brain tissue at this time!"

Drek: "He said he has loads of unused gray matter from all kinds of people. Politicians who only use their mouths, he charges 10 dollars a pound. Bureaucrats who think with, you know, he calls it their tuchises, he charges 15 dollars a pound. The sheep who voted for Obama, he's got lots of real ones besides the votes he claims he generated from thin air, he charges 20 dollars a pound..."

BSP: "But according to Federal records, your attempt to frame Rabbi Schmoigerman was a complete and total failure due to his own earlier collaboration with Federal officials and his successful disabling of your microphone."

Drek: "But why do I need a microphone? Everyone trusts Solomon Drek or they wouldn't have invested 300 million dollars with me."

BSP: "Did Rabbi Schmoigerman offer the brains of your investors for sale? Those I think are worth about 30 dollars a pound. Clearly hardly used properly and never used for too much intensive thought and analysis".

Solomon Drek then attempted to whack our reporter with a fake Gucci (Guchi) bag filled with kidney beans. As this is a violation of his house arrest, we expect him to begin enjoying an extended stay in the Hot Showers Federal Resort and Respite Facility in Otisville shortly.

The Petek and the Nigun - A Revelation from the Admou"r

BS"D

Today, at the notorious Creedmoorer Mitvoch Shabbos Tisch, the Admou"r meCreedmoor shared a stunning revelation with his 150 quintillion Chassidim:

"When I was first diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome, a man in a white coat handed me a mysterious note. On it was written:

'My insurance fires will burn until the end of time. Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah'.

I did not know what this meant until I realized that it was a message to me to continue burning buildings for insurance purposes while living in Creedmoor until the end of time. And I was of course to call our Chassidus after this holy and exalted place, the place to which the Shechina, the holy presence of the yetzer horo, is exiled but is released in blinding brilliance every time another building is burned."

And I have composed a niggun to remind all of the great segula which we must recite whenever we are approached by an officer of the law of the great Soton, the United States of Americhke, to which we owe no allegiance and from which we receive much welfare. Since the officers of the law do not understand the Zionist tongue, and since they are profane and may not be spoken to in Hungarian, I have composed the niggun in Tzioinish":

Mi shesaraf lo et habinyan lebituach
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

Mi shechotem arba paamim lewelfare
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yekabel mikem et kol caspeichem
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

Mi sheyashav lo shnatayim bebeit sohar
Zu Creedmooriah
Hu yetze misham, ish ashir leolam
Bayoim hazeh

Lama, ma, ma, ma Nikra Creedmooriah
Al shem meshugaim
Vemetorafim
Sheyehsno sham (2x)

The Admou"r then instructed his bravest followers to call themselves Lama Ma Ma Ma's and to stop traffic and carjack as many cars as they could while dancing to this tune and screaming Lama Ma Ma Ma Nikra Creedmooriah in the middle of the street.

Thus, the Admou"r hopes to establish himself as a major player in the lucrative field of automotive theft, and related automotive insurance and accident fraud.

Solomon Drek gets his due from the Admou"r

BS"D

Solomon Drek thought he had a sure fire ticket to immunity from prosecution for his myriad real estate shenanigans, as well as a nice percentage of the take for his mesira of one Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, (better known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor), to the FBI.

However, in his avarice and desire for a get out of jail free card, he did not take into account the fact that the entire "SQUIRREL" voter registration project which led to the election of the present Federal misadministration was masterminded by none other than Schmoigerman and his congregation of one hundred and fifty quintillion preposterously fictitious souls. This meant Schmoigerman was immune from any sort of prosecution as his votes were necessary to guarantee the election of an Affirmative Action and welfare based administration many, many times over.

Therefore, when Drek was on his way to meet his former Rebbe and present nemesis, Schmoigerman was warned by the very same Mr deBris who was supposedly deploying Drek that said excrementalist was wearing a hidden microphone.

Not only did Schmoigerman place an elaborate circuitry in his tin foil shtreimel which in turn disabled Drek's rather drekish microphone, but said tin foil shtreimel boasted a large and visible microphone on its very top!

When Drek saw this, he knew he was dealing with someone who, well, was not playing with a full deck, or even a full Drek. Therefore, he made his offer with nothing but brazen chutzpah:

"Rabbi, I have here $350,000 in food stamps that I got from selling phony Gucci and Prada bags in Chinatown, and another 500,000 that I got from selling a kidney I harvested myself in Nigeria to an oil sheikh in Kuwait..."

"Drekele, myne Drekele, so long since I saw you and your uncle here, and what is with your father's yeshiva. You want I should take those food stamps and give you cash for your father's yeshiva. Never a problem, the way you learn Choshen Mishpat there is the same way we learn it here but I'm confirmed majnoun, you know, meshigge, by all 50 states and the UN and EU. Your uncle is just stam a gonif who I protect by laundering his crack with my powdered bleach and his money in my washing machine. Here, give me the food shtempelach, I make to your father's yeshiva a big check in US funds..."

Solomon Drek could not believe his ears. Conversion of food stamps to cash - felony. Conversion of illegally obtained food stamps to cash - even bigger felony. Illegal donation to a non profit organization - super felony. He, little, unappetizing, greasy, ugly, nearsighted, Slow-mo Shlomo, the laughingstock of his grade school class even if his father was the rosh yeshiva, would be the man who broke the Schmoigerman one man crime syndicate. This guy was no majnoun besides, and he spoke in almost perfect English so he could not claim he swam off some boat from Hungary!

The Admou"r then continued: "OK, here, here in this envelope is dyne check. You open it only when you leave here, I don't want that the cameras should see because I'm not supposed to have checking accounts in US funds only my own currency and food stamps..."

In reality, the check was worthless and drawn on a shul account held at the now defunct Washington Immemorial bank.

Drek then further propositioned the Admou"r: "Rabbi, I need one more kidney, the guy in Kuwait insists he wants two transplanted and not one. Can you get me one for say, $180,000?"

"Sure! I have 150 quintillion Chassidim! You don't think I can spare a kidney or two? We could go into business, you and me, selling kidneys and fake bags to all the yachnes in Boro Park so they can make cholent! OK, here we go. Jacinto Schmoigerman O'Donnelly, he is my nephew from my third rebbetzin, he lives on 38 Rodent Mill Road, Verminville, Queens. You go there, he is waiting for you. Better yet, hold on, let me check my refrigerator..."

Dreck thought to himself...phoney address but still an attempt to sell body parts...fraud times ten....

And then he was rudely awakened from his reverie:

"Drek, here, here is your kidney beans, three pounds, and some franks also, and here I teach you how to make Sholam Weiss Kosher Franks and Beans, there is the recipe inside the fake Prada bag. OK. There, you have that, you have your address, and you have your check. What more do you want? You take the bags and the beans and the franks to all the stores and see who wants to buy. I give them the schoire, you get 20% out of my 120%. OK. That is all you need for your father's yeshiva..."

Solomon Drek got the message, fast.

And when he returned to his palatial home in Long Arm of the Law, New Joisey, he was greeted by Federal marshals who had heard the transmission from the Admour's microphone. Solomon Drek knew he would be celebrating many, many siyumei masechtos in one Federal Koilel or another starting very soon.

Score. Drek -10000 Schmoigerman 10.

Mysterious Creedmoor Clergyman Issues Statement on Ted Kennedy

BS"D

"The CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church - mourns the very timely and much delayed passing of Senator Edward Kennedy, alcoholic, cheater, hit and run driver and all around good man. We must mention in passing wind his contributions which allow us to receive the welfare and other programs upon which we depend. May he enjoy the eternal rest that awaits him in the deepest fires of infernity!"

This cryptic statement was issued by "Father David O'Schmoiger of the CRC - Creedmoor Roman Church", a hitherto unknown organization sharing a PO Box address with the various organizations and congregations run by the famous Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.

The establishment of a church in the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor can point to only one possibility - an attempt to further defraud the Federal Government of the United States of America by some type of attempt at an interfaith program that would be subsidized by welfare or similar Federal payments.

A review of the 150 quintillion soul and singular body membership of the original Creedmoor congregation does show a number of members of Irish origin, including one gentleman by the name of Abd ul-Wahid O'Shaugnessy, and his wife, Faige Chaye Malone O'Shaugnessy. Apparently, Rabbi Schmoigerman is about to separate those entities who bear surnames that are associated with the Roman Church into a new set of phantom organizations so as to obtain even more funding.

However, with the late Edward Kennedy having assumed long overdue room temperature, it is not known which Senator will be able to assist Schmoigerman in his latest quest to obtain extended subsidies and grants.

We can only surmise that Schmoigerman, most of whose followers voted for the present Presidential administration, is about to call in yet more favors from either the President or other politicians who swept into office rather than ended up sweeping floors thanks to Schmoigerman's sweeping endorsement and clean sweep of phantom votes on their behalf.

Ultra-Wide Circulation Chassidic Newspaper Paralyzed by Circulation Audit

BS"D

"They have been auditing my circulation for weeks now, and what have they found? Gornisht! The air here circulates, my blood circulates, and my stories circulate to all one hundred and fifty quintillion Chassidim of the Admou"r meCreedmoor!"

Such is the plaintive protest of Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, known along with his newspaper as Der Shygetz, and the definitive chronicler of the exploits of his community, which are so fancifully fraught with fraud that many claim them to be fictional.

"It all started when that little moiser rat frenk Solly Drek showed up here and tried to get me to launder money from his counterfeit bag business. He offered me a check, I threw it in my washing machine, forgot to hit the On button and of course he could cash it. But his bag, that was a different story. He gives me a bag marked Guchi, spelled just like that, G-U-C-H-I. I ask the Admou"r, is that how you spell it and he says no, the designer is eppes an Ingarisher and nisht a frenk like Drek or even a Galitzianer like you, and we spell it G-U-C-S-I so that bag is as fake as a seventeen food stamp bill! This too I throw in the washing machine, add some dollar store Chinese laundry detergent that the Admou"r's gabbai bought with his EBT card, press the ON button and this supposed leather bag disintegrates. Drek the rat frenk moiser is wearing a wire, and he goes and tells the Feds that I laundered the money. Yeah, I threw a check in the washing machine and nothing happened. But I throw his fake bag in the washing machine and it disintegrates worse than a dried out lulav from three years ago Sukkos that Schmoigerman's Sforim Store sells to the eco-freaks this year for 400 dollars as a recycled lulav! So Drek goes to the Feds, and they can't get me on money laundering so they come here and audit my circulation all day!"

The focus of the circulation audit is on the internet version of Der Shygetz, known as the Creedmoor Chronicles. Investigators and other disappointed fans claim it abruptly ceased publication after unmasking the rather drekish sources of the Drek family fortune, and are pressing After-Hours-Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher to resume publication of the Creedmoor Chronicles immediately.

Says Pashkvilkemacher: "They want me to publish again the Chronicles, they should stop auditing me and let me be. I'm only on vacation now because the Admou"r G-d rest his brain is in Alcatraz for the summer and when he is there he gets on such a spiritual and acidical high that he doesn't tell me what is going on for weeks on end! Of course I know Drek's uncle is a shtick drek, but that I know because my sister Chaye Behyme who's on food stamps herself ever since she couldn't get insurance to pay for the 2000 dollar fake Prada tichel her dry cleaner ruined, went there to buy clothing once and she tells me he sells baking powder in the parking lot and all the customers hang out back there and smoke it.

So get out of my circulation, leave me alone for another week or so and I'll be back! As it says in the famous "Lama ma ma ma nikra Creedmooriah" petek that the Admou"r got from the hyliger Motzi Shem Ra: "Myne insurance flamm will burn until the very end of time!"

In other words, Creedmoor Forever, and I'll be back soon :). Sorry for the extended break but I should be back next week with the final disposal of Solomon Drek, the wannabe moiser of Creedmoor.

Here is a preview: "You want kidneys in a Prada bag! Here you go, and you can even have a full pound of my new all beef halal Frenks thrown in!" And with that, the Admou"r handed Solomon Drek a fake Prada bag, containing three pounds of kidney beans, two packages of hot dogs of dubious kashrus which were stamped with expiration dates well before the end of the last decade, and a recipe for 'Sholam Weiss Jailhouse Franks and Beans'. Drek, who immediately understood the import of the Admou"r's rather unusual and out of season shalach munes, ran from Creedmoor as fast as his corpulent little legs would carry him..................."

Will update again as soon as I can

BS"D

Sorry for the delay.

My mind just isn't on Creedmoor right now as I am busy with my business sites http://www.abillionbits.com and the semi-business http://www.frumebook.com which is a series of E-novels and short stories for the frum community.

I haven't abandoned Creedmoor and do intend to update as soon as I find some time to think out the rest of the Drek plot and put it into words.

See you soon!

Preview - Solomon Drek, the Singing Canary of Creedmoor

BS"D

Short, stocky, greasy, unappetizing little Solomon Drek had always been jealous of his cousin, the great Creedmoorer singer "Yossi Dreckey". Both actually shared the noble surname of Dwek, but understandable circumstances had changed the pronunciation of said surname for this wilted and degenerate branch of the family.

After all, Dreckey was smarter, more talented, and better looking, as well as much more popular, all of which could be said about practically anyone save for Robert Mugabe, or Kim Jong-il, if not Charles Taylor or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when compared to Solomon Drek.

Besides, his cousin was the heir to the great "Dwek for Abidun" fortune, whereas Solomon's father was but the rav of "Yeshibhat Hazeet - B'nei Mahmirim" a yeshiva that actually taught Torah though it was also said to serve as the laundromat of choice for his uncle's ill gotten gains.

Solomon's uncle had made and maintained his fortune with a chain of children's clothing stores in the worst neighborhoods of New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and even Gary, Indiana, where welfare mothers would buy clothes every month for their little Raheems and Shantaras.

Said clothes were designed and priced to last but thirty days, as they were made by Chinese political prisoners using cellulose based fabric that had been invented for prison uniforms during the Cultural Revolution.

And the often narcotically compromised "Dwek for Abidun" customers were very happy that Nathan Dwek, who did not even mind being called Nathan Drek in honor of the quality of his merchandise, would schedule his sales for the first and fifteenth day of each month, when welfare cheques were issued to his customer base.

They also were very thankful for his payment plan, in which customers could pay for their purchases with six or even a generous eight automatic monthly EBT card deductions, each one equal to one half the sale price marked on any given article of clothing. The fact that such an arrangement was no more legal than the crack that they smoked hardly fazed the average "Dwek for Abidun" regular. The very slogan of the chain was: "Our prices are lower than your IQ, but every night you and your boyfriend get much higher than our quality!" And signs throughout the stores proclaimed: "No cash? No problem! We accept EBT! No cash and no EBT card? Got some crack, man? No cash, no EBT card and no crack - get lost, sucker!"

Yes, Nathan Drek accepted crack as payment for clothing at the rate of one vial to the dollar - and his managers sold that very same illegal and noxious scourge of the ghetto in the parking lot after hours at the rate of three to twelve dollars to the vial, depending on the needs and condition of his nighttime clientele. Needless to say, before resale each gram of said drug was well diluted with baking soda, cheap dollar store detergent, corn starch, flour or whatever the Dwek buying office could find at the lowest possible price per pound on any given day. Since there was no way to prosecute a crack dealer for consumer fraud and substandard merchandise, the Drek managers evaded arrest by showing that what they were selling was just a special concentrated detergent or starch for their customers' clothing. And when chemical analysis could not detect even a slight amount of crack cocaine in the mix, the police no longer even bothered raiding the Dwek parking lots after hours, so that just about every form of illegal enterprise from three card monty on up was to be found in those lots, all operated for the benefit of the one and only Nathan Drek.

Of course, activists in the local community, especially the eminently corrupt Reverend Albert "Fat Al Dumpty" Dumpton, had little respect for Dwek and felt the same utter contempt for him that he essentially expressed for his customers. However, Nathan Drek had dedicated a "Drek Slave Cultural Center" in each community where he operated stores, and conveniently deeded it to the "Dumpton African American Church of Liberation". This meant that, with the exception of an occasional small store fire set by a Dumpton thug whose aim was to get 20% of the insurance proceeds for his Reverend, no Dwek for Abidun retail outlet was ever disturbed by the protests that most certainly should have been directed in its way for the most disgusting and gross abuse of the local population since the times of slavery that had ended with the Civil War.

Solomon clearly wanted to follow in the lucrative footsteps of his uncle, but his attempt at Ponzi style real estate fraud was an abject failure that ended in arrest.

That setback was nothing to ugly little Solomon, who knew that the only way out would be to do as his cousin did and begin a singing career - one did not need much of a voice or stage presence to sing to the FBI like a canary about a rabbi who had no fewer than 150 quintillion souls registered on the welfare rolls of all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and most of the EU countries as well as Switzerland and even Brunei.

And when he approached Special Operations Agent and Plumbing Specialist LeDuc Earl deBris, the very epitome of an Affirmative Action hire, deBris intentionally failed to inform him that the voter fraud committed by their chosen target was the very reason that the US now had an Affirmative Action president.

Solomon Drek was soon to find out about the exalted and protected status of Rabbi David Schmoigerman - the hard way....

More coming later this week...

Update Delayed

BS"D

Creedmoor will be updated later this week and then I will return to my once a week on Sunday schedule.

I apologize for the delay; still catching up from a computer crash last week and from 9 Av.

Solomon "Drek" Dwek and der Admou"r

BS"D

We have been asked many times lately regarding the connection, if any, between moiser Solomon Drek and der Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Therefore, we will answer the three most frequently asked questions regarding Creedmoor and this sordid affair. Of course, we will answer every question with - another question:

1) Did Solomon Drek attempt to entrap der Admou"r meCreedmoor?

-Is pork treyf?

2) Is Solomon Drek a renegade Creedmoorer Chossid?

-Is Madoff guilty?

3) Is Der Admou"r meCreedmoor involved in illicit trafficking in either human organs, counterfeit handbags, or both?

-Is Der Admou"r so meshigge that he is NOT involved in such lucrative scams?

More on the Drek Dwek scandal and how Creedmoor impacted Drek Dwek once and for all on Sunday.

Until then please enjoy the most definitely non Creedmoor serialized frum novels on http://www.frumebook.com.

Urgent Update: Schmoigerman Condemns Rioters

BS"D

An urgent statement from Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman regarding the situation in the capital of the Zionist entity, may it soon return to its proper state as a part of dar ul-Islam:

I roundly, squarely, ovally and eliptically condemn the recent burning of a welfare office along with other uninsured property in Al-Quds as-Sharif.

It is forbidden by sharia halacha to burn any property in which entitlement programs are administered, regardless of whether these payments are disbursed by infidels, the Gantze Soton or our Islamic allies.

Therefore, I hereby proclaim that those who have damaged the most holy welfare office of the evil Zionist entity in al-Quds as-Sharif are in cherem chamor, which means that they are not to receive any honors except being asked for money in any of our great and holy Creedmoorer institutions.

In addition, I must reiterate that it is wholly and completely forbidden to burn or otherwise destroy any property in any location which is not properly insured, and that arson for any purpose other than insurance fraud is considered ossur lemehadrin.

I remind all of klal Yishmoel that it is not permitted even to burn the Zionist flag in any premises which is not insured and without irreperable damage occurring to said premises even if the flag itself is not consumed. In addition, the consistent incineration of plastic material which contains plastics and resins that are manufactured in the Zionist entity, and are therefore severely contaminated with the timas haTzioinus, is a severe environmental and spiritual hazard, as it releases timas haTzioinus into the air and therefore spreads the tima even further.

Therefore, I hereby call on those who are aiding and abetting the Tzioini reshoim by violating the sharia halacha as clearly put forth by those who have not been contaminated by the timas haTzioinis to immediately cease and desist from all activities using force or fire except in cases where the intent is to perform the mitzvah of ubearta hara bekirbecho by turning the burning ashes of property which is infested with timas haTzioinus into the roaring, living flames of multiple insurance payments.

-Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Cherpas Doirynee, Admou"r and Gaavad Creedmoor and Av Beis Din of the Beis Din for Fraud, Extortion and Capital Judgments, Alcatraz, California

Admou"r: Do NOT Say Tehillim for Kim Jong Il

BS"D

Emergency update due to urgent communication from the Admou"r meCreedmoor:

"To all of our myriads of phantom followers who exist only on the welfare and entitlement program rolls throughout the world as well as to the handful of unicerebralcellular creatures who truly do follow in the barely flickering one watt bulb which illuminates the Chassidus of Creedmoor:

It is with great displeasure that I have heard that there are some among you who wish to pray for the recovery of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il ymach shmo veyeabed zichro lanetzach la'ad, ben yechido d'sitra achra veshaar marin bishin.

Are you not aware that this rosho and menivel has threatened to bomb Hawaii? Are you not aware that only I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, am authorized to make absurd threats against the Great Satanic States of America, and that I can make these threats only so that you, my beloved phantom followers, can obtain additional welfare subsidies which you then must sign over to me as I am your true Creator in any event? Are you so blinded by the poison of international Zionism that you do not understand that if Hawaii were to disappear, we would be receiving welfare and entitlement programs in only 49 states?

Remember that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, only feign insanity for the purpose of obtaining my most fair share of the monies paid by the Zionist taxpayers of the Great Satanic States of America.

However, Kim Jong Il yemach shmo truly is insane, and if he were to fall under my most holy and exalted jurisdiction, after we sign up all of his multiple personalities on all possible welfare and medical subsidy payments, he would be sentenced to a lifetime of washing dishes for the true mental patients who reside in C-ward.

And it must be mentioned that C-ward is under the direction of my most dear Chossid and Minister for Medicaid Affairs, Dr Rajesh Shah, former goatherd of Gujarat and graduate of the University of Creedmoor Faculty of Medicine, which shares a post office box with K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor and has therefore become a mokom kedusha under the jurisdiction of the Arba Misois Beis Din d'Creedmoor and the Beis Din Elyoin d'Krisois veMisois d'Alcatraz.

Therefore, I proclaim that we must not in any way beseech Allah for the refieh of the rosho merooshe Kim Jong Il, and that we instead join the rest of the world in wishing him a misse meshine besoich shaar tzioinei oilam. This does not in any way mean that we will join the rest of the world in any other fashion except when we are able to receive welfare and related payments from any government entity on this or any other planet."

-Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Admou"r meCreedmoor and Gaavad Alcatraz.

We are off for the Three Weeks

BS"D

Creedmoorer Chassidus will not be updated during the Three Weeks as per non-Creedmoor rabbinical advice.

If Moshiach is not here before 9 Av chas vesholom, we will return on the first Sunday after 9 Av which is 12 Menachem Av/2 August.

So, may the only fires that burn be the fires on the mizbeach in the Beis Mikdash haShlishi.

But if chas vesholom the Creedmoorer is finding something else to burn we will be here to tell you about it.

Official Creedmoor Statement Regarding Sentencing of Bernard Madoff

BS"D

"I would like to take this opportunity to wish my former talmid Reb Bernard Madoff, a graduate of the Kollel d'Rabbeinu Charles Ponzi she al ydei Khal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, arichis yomim veshonim toivos. This should be in a way far above the laws of nature, so that he can savor fully every day of his hard earned 150 year sentence.

And at this time, I would like to remind all those who walk in the nearly burned out flame of Chassidus Creedmoor, rekindled only to burn flags and buildings with kerosene, that a great segeela for avoiding falling prey to an even larger Ponzi scheme is to categorically refuse to pay Social Security taxes..."

Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman of the Combined Kehillos of Baseless Hatred, Deceit and Fraud of Creedmoor and Creedmoor-Alcatraz