Here it is - the uncut interview with Lipa Schmelczer :).
Conducted by Reb Moishe Schtussschreiber of Talbieh, Yerushalayim:
RMS: Lipa, can you tell us a little about the school you went to?
Lipa: Ich hob gelernt in reform school.
RMS: A Reform day school chalila?
Lipa: No, a school for boys who do schlechter maaises.
RMS: OH, OK, please watch your language. R--orm is a bad word that we do not use in this family publication. Besser you should call it State Mesivto.
Lipa: No, not state mesivto. S'iz geven state Yeshiva Ketono!
RMS: How old were you when you were sent there?
Lipa: Tzen.
RMS: What did you do?
Lipa: Ich hob geganvet my father's a car and I drive it straight into the school buildink because mayn teacher says by mayn father det ich bin a hopeless fool.
RMS: Hmmm...and you did everything possible to prove he was right?
Lipa: Yoh.
RMS: What was your first job?
Lipa: Job? I was and am a very matzliachdike businessman.
RMS: Zug eppes
Lipa: Sure. When I was 13 I got thrown out from the state Yeshiva Ketono and den I mach how do you say, a gute gescheft..
RMS: In your case, I would say a major scam...
Lipa: Vus ment a skem?
RMS: Doing things bemirmo - cheating people - the way you muscled "Asher Yotzor" onto the record store shelves after Sano paid you millions to record it for Israeli radio....
Lipa: Well, enyway, I mach a deal mitten tznius patrol. Everyone I turn in, I gets a 20 dollar gift. So I gye tzi girls and I cut skirts, how do you say it, I mach a slit?
RMS: Yes, a slit is a cut in a skirt. Don't confuse it with that other word that people use to describe your "Lipa and Britney Live" album.
Lipa: So enyvey, I mach a slit in all the skirts far'n mydlach when they nisht at home end even I get my sister she should go up to the mydlach and cut their skirts.
RMS: How old was your sister?
Lipa: Det would have been my youngest shvester, Cholerye. She was maybe 4 - how I should know - every year my mother mach another kind she should get nuch a check far'n welfare....
RMS: So what happened?
Lipa: The mydlach would walk around in skirts mitten 3 slits - one in back, one in side, one in ander side..
RMS: And you would get 20 dollars for every one you turned in?
Lipa: Yoh. We did it in gantz Monsey and den oichet in Williamsburk.
RMS: And how did it all end?
Lipa: I got greedy and did it to myne own shvester! Det was Yachne - she is elter far mir end she is married to a koilel yungerman...
RMS: State or Federal?
Lipa: From both she gets checks while he sits end learns - learns how to trade stocks mitout gelt, learns how to get payments far'n insurance far bildinks he owns nisht...
RMS: A fine man! Anyway, what happened with teh patrol and Yachne?
Lipa: I mach a slit in her skirt. Mayn mame, she should rot and be well, she sees it and she freg by Yachne what goes on. Yachne she tell "Lipa hot getin dos." Mame looks et her skirts in de zelber zach. She call tzi myne aunt and myne aunt say her tochter have azoy a skirt and some yingele go to her and make her pay 30 tollar he shouldn't tell the mishmeres hatznius end he does it anyway...
RMS: And that was you?
Lipa: Of course!
RMS: So what did you do with the gelt?
Lipa: I make a songs elbum called "A Pachad A Shrek, Lipa Sings Mamesh Dreck" end I muscle it into all der stores - I say you take dis or I go tell the malchis you don't pay no taxes end den I burn down to your store and I get der insurance and nisht dir!
RMS: And how many copies did you sell?
Lipa: Sell oder deliver?
RMS: Sell - to real customers..
Lipa: 2 maybe - maybe Segal got one too for free det make 3. But tzi dem stores I sold 200,000 for kesh - 10 tolar an elbum - you figure det one out...
RMS: Sounds like a gitte gescheft...
Lipa: Sure. And now I make der Asher Yotzor single. Ich vais nisht who is Sano but der name sounds git. So I make the album and ich zug tzu Sano - look, I play dis one and no one buys your garbage. Eppes you pay me a hinnert tousent tolar det's it - I berry der song...
RMS: Did they?
Lipa: Nyn. I go den and I do my usual - I play it all over Old Squaresville end everyone laughs. So I go do mine anderer shtick end get it into the bookstores end der music shops...
RMS: So, what is your next project?
Lipa: I think I mach a naye elbum called K-Lipa - you know, like klipa - end I make songs mit bed words. Dis one I play for der rabbonim, dey put it in chyrem -and everyone wants to buy it! Dis time I'll get myne gelt end not have to make no gescheft because once der elbum is in chyrem allemen want 2 copies. Dis one I use bed words in Aynglish too so der shkootzim ken understend - now I make my gescheft again but mit Tower Records end Like a Virgin Superstore.....
RMS: It was a real pleasure to speak to you. You are a real role model for our youth as well as a truly talented performer. With your talent you should go far - how far is it from New Square to Leavenworth...
