Sunday, January 31, 2010

We will return in time for Purim


I am extending my break to come up with new material as I attend to important personal and professional activities. I will be back in time for Purim; I have no intention of closing the blog.

See you soon!

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher FACPS (Fellow of the American College of Practitioners of Sociopathy)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

We'll be back by 15 Shvat


I am taking at least a one week break from Creedmoor as before we know it Purim will be here, and in Adar I plan to update almost daily.

At the very latest, the next update will be 15 Shvat (preparing one month before the chag). If I have time before then, I will at least move the yichus and history posts from here to Toldois Creedmoor and edit them so that they form a sort of parody of an Artscroll style history/biography.

In addition, I hope to record a couple of Creedmoor audio skits as well as to introduce "Rabbi Itzhak Arnona" in time for Purim. Rabbi Itzhak Arnona is the Rav of Gehennom and he will be sharing his secrets about just what goes on in Gehennom, and when he tells you about what goes on down there, you will be only too happy to purchase his many segooolot for avoiding eternity in the boiler room. Hmmm..could this have to do with boiler room scams? Considering Rav Arnona is a Creedmoorer deluxe, one can only surmise...

See you soon!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Admou"r meCreedmoor Considering Participation in Exorcism


Pursuant to reports of a dybbuk inhabiting the body and soul of a Brazilian yungermann who has flown to the Zionist medine in order to undergo hitherto unsuccessful exorcism treatments, it is rumored that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has offered his services to assist in removing said dybbuk.

At present the Admou"r is organizing a minyan of his own multiple personalities to perform a pulsa denura debitucha, which is a ceremony that places a curse on a person or dybbuk and symbolically burns it along with its dwelling place. Since no one can be sure where a dybbuk actually dwells, the Admou"r ensures the success of the ceremony by making sure the pulsa denura is carried out in a heavily insured warehouse belonging to a struggling businessman who has deeded the building over to the Admou"r's gemach in exchange for perhaps a hundred food stamps and a pound of galle. Then, the insurance proceeds are claimed rapidly and just as soon wired to the Admou"r's tzedoko funds in Luxembourg lezecher hadybbuk.

Should this fail, the Admou"r will request that the affected party fly to him on Pluto, where he will promise the dybbuk a Section 8 apartment in the heart of Schnooro Park if he agrees to leave his host and jump into the Admou"r's Schnorro Park-Willyburg-Monskey-Pluto shuttle.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The rest is coming soon


Something urgent came up and I won't be Creedmooring anymore tonight. Instead, updates will be posted between tomorrow and Sunday as time permits.

A New Creedmoor Play: "When Mohammed Meets Moishe" (somewhat sick stuff)


The Creedmoorer Center for Creative Bitul Zman in the Name of Destruction of the Tzioinish Entity (formerly known as the Rehabilitative Drama Center of Creedmoor) presents:

When Mohammed Meets Moishe!

Moishe, a London Ku Klux Kartel yingermann, faces the loss of his income due to the long awaited sentencing of his American shver on Ponzi scheme charges. Since the sentencing includes forfeiture, Moishe is faced with a choice: find easy money or do something productive with his life rather than spend all day in Speakers' Corner preaching how Judaism and Zionism are, as he says: "disproportionately opposed".

After consulting with his Kartel friends throughout the world, he fakes a car accident so as to be admitted to a hospital where he can be easily and successfully evaluated for permanent disability. His roommate in the hospital turns out to be Mohammed, a "student" from the Taliban controlled wilds of Pakistan who lost all four limbs in a harebrained attempt to blow up the Israeli embassy.

When Mohammed finds out his new roommate hates Zionism and Israel even more than he does, the two become fast friends. Moishe even shows Mohammed how to register each lost limb as a fully dead person so as to get four sets of death benefits and backdated life insurance along with his disability. Then, Moishe gets wealthy contributors to the Karta to pay for super high tech prostheses for Mohammed, and the two of them are not coincidentally released from the hospital on the same day. They end up sharing an apartment, because Moishe, realizing his wife can't provide him with a meal ticket anymore, is keeping her an agunah in order to get some of the hidden profits from the Ponzi scams her father had engaged in.

At first it seems as if fanatical, ignorant, violent Mohammed and conniving, venal Moishe make a great pair as Moishe shows Mohammed how to scam the dole, the NHS, and various charities including "The Secular Jewish Alliance For Aiding Our Murderous Enemies". However, Mohammed shows his true colors and makes it clear he hates all Jews, even Ku Klutz Karta members and other extreme anti-Zionists from the right and left. Moishe wises up, and concocts a plot to do away with Mohammed once and for all.

When Mohammed is asleep, Moishe packs his artificial limbs with explosives, and the next morning, after Mohammed has attached them, he tells Mohammed that they will go together to blow up the Israeli embassy. Instead, Moishe delivers Mohammed straight to the police, who of course arrest him for terror. Moishe receives yet another entitlement cheque, in the form of a Royal pension for life, and he goes back to his wife as well as to his shteller in Speakers' Corner, albeit on crutches so he can continue to claim disability and receive painkillers that he resells for quite a large markup.

Excerpts include:

"Mohammed'l, tell me, far what are you wanting 71 pretty brides? You are knowing how hard it is for me to deal with one shvigger? And you want 71? You think that's heaven? Where I come from, even my one shvigger is hell! Come with me tomorrow to sign up on the dole again, when we're up to 10 checks between us I'll buy you a BMW you can drive with your fake arms and legs and you'll see what heaven is!"

"Look, Mohammed, you like these arms? I had them make special for you with tattoos! The left, did they spell it right..." "WOW, Moishe, I wish all the Jews were like you! That says "Allahu Akbar!!" And the right says: "Death to Israel!"

Tickets are 11 food stamps per inch of waist size and are available at "Kanoim Kosher Cellulose Restaurant" and "Merotzchim Butchers" in Circular Square as well as in MegaMehadrin Incendiary Devices Market in Creedmoor.

The play is no longer available on DVD due to the latest pronunciation of the Va'ad haCharomim.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Yoim Shekuloi Creedmoor - Nitel Nacht


Tomorrow night haba olynee letoivo, is nitel nacht here in the former Russian Empire. So, look out for the all new Toldois Creedmoor blog as well as the final report on the refugee resettlement program on Pluto.

We still hope to present the Weiss interview later tonight; the esteemed Mr Weiss is still fast asleep and we do not wish to wake him before 2 PM Monsey time (2.35 PM EST) if we can at all help it.

Who makes better cholent...


Rebbetzin Ahmadinejad, Rebbetzin Haniyeh 1, or Rebbetzin Haniyeh 2? Check back later as we discuss these and other crucial questions with Sheikh Yishmoel Daoud al-Beyda, also known as Yisroel Dovid Weiss, who has recently returned from a fiction finding mission to Gaza on behalf of the Creedmoor affiliated Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey!

Will Sheikh al-Beyda reveal the identity of the unnamed female? Come back later to find out - if he doesn't we will!

NEWSFLASH: We have been informed that Sheikha al-Beyda, the chador clad wife of our interviewee, has obtained all three recipes from her husband's erstwhile hosts and we hope to share them with you here as well!

Another Der Shygetz - Creedmoor Chronicles exclusive!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

"An Unidentified Female" member of the Ku Klutz Kartel konfab in Gaza..who is it?


According to a radio host in the Zionist state, the fearsome foursome who visited Hamas in Gaza for Shabbos Cholosh (the rest of us call it Shabbos Chazak) included "an unidentified female".

Who is she? Why was she wearing a bekeshe and shtreimel according to all pictures including those transmitted to us by the Gaza bureau of Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke?

We are attempting to ascertain the identity, including the correct gender blend, of said "female" and will report back as soon as we are able to fabricate an answer, which will take a bit longer than it takes der Admou'r meCreedmoor to fabricate a seven dollar food stamp...

Saturday, January 02, 2010

This Blog Is Developing Another Identity!


Nope, life is NOT imitating art and I do not plan to apply for blogosphere welfare under two names, or even under one name.

Starting (our) Nitel Nacht, Thursday 6 January haba aleinu lebitul zman, I will have set up a new, second Creedmoor blog which will include the yichus breef series and the old attempt at writing a Creedmoor book. This second blog will discuss the history of the Schmoigerman family and serve as the definitive annals of the Creedmoorer chassidus going back to the earliest antecedents of the Schmoigerman dynasty in ancient Judea, pre-Inquisition Spain, Poland, Hungary and of course Brooklyn.

This blog will remain as it was intended to be, that is to say, the chronicles, or news source, of and for the worldwide and interplanetary Creedmoorer community.

I will move most of the book and yichus posts to the new blog on Thursday night, and this week I will indeed have the final news from the UN high commissioner for refugees regarding the refugees from Zionist aggression on Pluto. I hope to have enough material to update both blogs once every week to 10 days.

In related news, the real life Creedmoorers, the Ku Klutz Kartel, led by the intrepid publicity seeker and all around menuval Yisroel Dovid "Scheiss" Weiss (Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda) were or are in Gaza for Shabbos. They now number only four, reduced from five and a half probably due to the advancing age of the Szarkonosvary Rov, Ahron (Haroun) Cohen, and the defection (or repair) of the eminently defective M.A.F. (who now passes out of the Creedmoorer orbit, having bequeathed his title of Most Reprehensible Menival Masquerading As A Frummer Yid to Solomon Drek). This should provide me with some great material this week...

Friday, January 01, 2010

Der Admou"r's Resolutions for the New Welfare Year


At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.

The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.

At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.

His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.