Friday, December 23, 2005

Der Shygetz interviews an emmesdige Shygetz!


Yes, I, Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, editor and publisher of the Asher Yotzor Zhournal a/k/a Der Shygetz, has had the dubious and unsalutary privilege of interviewing the one and only Moishe Aryeh Friedman. Yes, the very same arva d'rabbonon who sees it fit to invite neo-Nazis to his son's bar mitzvah (I mean, who else would come anyway), while he supports the destruction and murder of Jews at the hands of Arab tzoirerim.

Most importantly, as you will see in this interview, I have unlocked the secret of his very well deserved inferiority complex, that causes him to look up to unrepentant Jew haters from Europe and Arabia alike. (Of course, any resemblance between the pathetic little excuse for a man whom I interviewed in Creedmoor and the ridiculously pathetic minuscule excuse for a man who lives, if you call that living, in Monsey, is purely unintentional - but I won't mince words - the real article is too sad to be funny and is just a plain schvantz, whereas the character I met in Creedmoor at least can laugh at himself.)

DS: Very nice to meet you, Rabbi Fryedkopf.

RMAF: That is Friedman, you dirty Zionist sone Yisroel.

DS: OK - I will call you Erev Rov Friedman then

RMAF: That is fine - most of the time I only leave the house after dark because I do not dare show my face when it is light out - a man of my stature, you know...

DS: I understand that you are short on stature and brainpower, to say nothing of aidelkeit, because of the odd circumstances of your birth....

RMAF: Yes, this is true. My story begins with a violent little Albanian drug dealer and all around scoundrel named Gabel Mutgabelaj and his wife, Satjia...

DS: You mean your birth parents are not Jewish?

ERMAF: My mother's mother was a Jew from Dubrovnik or Skopje. At least that is what Onan Child and Family Services told my adoptive parents. But to be sure, I had hatafas dam bris with a blunt kitchen knife - since the rov was not too sure what had to be done, nor could he understand why my adoptive parents, whose memory I shame every day, wanted me around, he suggested this compromise.

DS: And why were you put up for adoption?

ERMAF: As I said, my biological father was a violent little drug dealing shtick garbage. According to what I was told, he pushed my mother AH down three flights of stairs, causing irreversible brain damage and resulting in a miscarriage...

DS: A miscarriage? You were born as the result of a miscarriage?

ERMAF: Yes. My father was a miserable little sadist and he found some doctor who must have studied at Mengele Medical College....

DS: WHAT? This is more fantastically sick than anything I can come up with!

ERMAF: Well, that is why you have the zechus of printing it. In any case, the doctor, whose name is protected because he is in the Federal Witness Protection Plan for turning my father into the authorities, set up some sort of apparatus with a bell transformer, a few 9 volt batteries, and some copper wire...

DS: Get out of here! Or as I understand you were known for saying during your short lived yeshiva career, SHYGETZ AROSS!

ERMAF: Listen, I have the medical records to prove it. My rosh yeshiva showed them to me when he threw me out of United Talmudical Academy into the cold, unforgiving Monsey streets...

DS: So I guess that because of your experience of being thrown out of yeshiva, you hate your fellow Jews and want to see them destroyed by your Austrian and Arab buddies?

ERMAF: No, it is just that I hate myself so much for being born. The one I really want to kill is my father, but he is in protective custody. He is only about the size of your average 12 year old...
DS: So he is a head taller than you are?

ERMAF: Yes. And that is why I am attracted to powerful men, like Hamas terrorists and Austrian neo-Nazis..

DS: Did you also invite some Hamas guys to your son's Bar Mitzvah?

ERMAF: No. After 9-11, you try getting on a plane with a name like Jihad Nidal ibn Itbach al-Yahud and your picture in every Israeli post office...

DS: So you had to make do with some miserable lowlife neo-Nazi ymach shmoi? Did he at least enjoy the party?

ERMAF: Of course. But we did not let him pull off the stunt he wanted to pull - namely releasing some gas into the hall....

DS: You are sicker than I thought.

ERMAF: Look, I had a very troubled childhood. I will let you in on a secret. My name is not even Friedman. I was adopted by a well known rebbeish family, and they had enough of me. Meanwhile, my rebbi in mesivta, the vantz who threw me out, Rabbi Yankev Feherszar, used to say; Moishe Aryeh, at the rate you are going, on the electric chair you will end up; you will get fried, man!

DS: So you took the name Friedman?

ERMAF: Not exactly. My adoptive parents asked Feherszar to take me to the Social Security office. Feherszar speaks English worse than I do (note, all responses have been translated from Gibberish to English by Mrs Yachne Farblungetberger of the Der Shygetz editorial staff), and all the time I was misbehaving in the office. So the whole time he tells me: You are going to get fried, man. And of course the idiot can't fill out any form unless it's for welfare or Section 8 - then all from a sudden he knows English, so for my name he puts Moishe Aryeh Is Going to Get Fried, Man.

DS: Umm..I know what Feherszar means....

ERMAF: Zeyr gut! Hungarian I also learned in the mikve toilets, if you know what I mean. Anyway his name was Jakob Feher on his passport - I stole it from him on the day he was supposed to fly to the Zionist entity for his levaya....

DS: For his LEVAYA?

ERMAF: Yeah. He gave a get by his first wife for about 50 thousand dollars and a Cadillac, and if you saw the cholerye he married the second time, you would know why I called it a levaya...

DS: Who do you think you are? The Creedmoor Chronicler? You could be the haimishe Jackie Mason!

ERMAF: Jackie Mason? Feh, a tziyoini, in oichet an Aroini. So anyway, we're in Monroe in the Social Security office, and the clerk asks Feherszar what in the world he wrote. He is a yid too, a freier tzioini, and he figures when Feherszar says Fried, man my name has to be Friedman.

DS: And how do people pronounce your name?

ERMAF: Schmuck, putz, lowlife, shtick dreck, bisha, chilul Hashem mamash are usually how people pronounce my name. Only one man gives me respect. Such a nice, big, strong man - and his name is John Gudenus. Also another one, Ewald Stadler. Such nice men. They know from me that there was no such thing from gas chambers; I make up the story about Gudenus wanting to throw gas in my bar mitzvah

DS: WHAT? You deny the Shoah???

ERMAF: Of course. This, the Chmelnitzki massacres, even the Armenian business - all a Zionist plot! Besides, Johnele and Ewaldish pay me; I'll say anything for a few Euros!

DS: So you want to be the Chief Rabbi of Austria?

ERMAF: Not quite. I want to be the Rabbi of the Independent Congregation Hashmadas Yisroel of Vienna.

DS: How will you get your community recognized?

ERMAF: That is why I agreed to speak to you. Your Creedmoorer Rov knows how to get multiple personalities onto the welfare rolls as well as bichlal how to fake multiple personality syndrome so you get the personalities in the first place. In gantz Austria there are 8000 yidden maybe. But plenty of anti-Zionist neo Nazis and Muslims. To begin with I'll say that they are all Jewish. You know the medina brings shkootzim so they can have more people. At least I am honest and I say my people are anti-Zionists. They bring anti-Semitic shkootzim fun Russland and say they are Jewish, and since they serve in the Army they are Zionist too.....

DS: For mamash a meshuggener, your thinking is sadly right on target sometimes. Just stay away from the guys with the swastikas and you'll go far in life - at least as far as Sing Sing.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Creedmoor Mourns Vincent "The Chin" Gigante

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor mourn the passing of their benefactor and mentor, Vincent "The Chin" Gigante. Our Admou"r always looked toward Vincent as a man who managed to prove to the world that he was clinically insane, while he ran scores of illicit enterprises. Indeed, the Admou"r got his start when, as a young yeshiva bochur in the New York State Reformatory and Mesivta, he ran numbers for Vincent the Chin. That is to say that at least one of his personalities got started that way.

Since 19 Kislev is a Zionist holiday, the Admou"r will be having his Interfaith Memorial Tish for Vincent the Chin at Our Lady of the Conflagration, D-ward, Room 305, Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Free transportation for all virtual and multiple personalities will be provided.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Creedmoor Takes the Financial Markets by Storm - Part 2

At this point, the Admou"r was becoming as brazen as could be regarding his financial shenanigans. As a leader of both a Native American nation (Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree had mysteriously disappeared and is said to be enjoying a long sojourn somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle) and an independent nation, he realized he no longer had to feign insanity to retain his rent-free castle in Creedmoor. Nevertheless, his new silk tish bekeshe, which replaced his former orange plastic model, was the only tish bekeshe in existence that included Disney World cartoon characters in its intricate pattern. And his shtreimel, said to be polar bear fur dyed in a panda pattern, included a badge on the front saying "Down with Rubashkin - Long Live PETA!"

And he no longer feared venturing outside of Creedmoor. He was often spotted in such ehrliche frum hangouts as Atlantic City and Las Vegas, buying many chips, and selling them on credit to addicted gamblers, at rates as high as 75% markup, payable before leaving the casino. When caught by management, he would remove his white homburg and change to a black Borsalino, claiming he was the Chabad shaliach, come to put tefillin on with Jewish punters. Needless to say, he was not able to get away with this too many times, and several casinos banned him as a result. Instead, he set up a storefront manned by a Mexican immigrant of the wetback variety, who was duly paid a dollar a day for his trouble. From this storefront, punters could call the Admou"r's "Gamblers Anonymous Gemach" and arrange for a cash loan at 75% per day interest. The money would arrive, delivered by wetback, within a half hour, and woe betide the punter who did not return 175% of the sum, in cash, the next day.

But most important, it was in Atlantic City that he met Joaquin Dominguez, formerly of Santiago, Cuba and now of no fixed address. Joaquin was spotted cadging food and Dumpster diving one rainy night in Las Vegas. He approached the Admou"r for a handout, and was of course rebuffed with a very rude "Kishin Tuches - Shygetz Aroys!" The beggar did not understand a word the Admou"r said, and continued to stretch out his hand while muttering about Castro, and a Ford convertible. The Admou"r figured that Joaquin had just seen a Castro Convertibles commercial, but the truth was very different. You see, Joaquin was one of the infamous Marielitos - criminals and mental patients sent by Fidel Castro as a goodwill gift to his fellow Communist, Jimmy Carter.

And the Cuban continued with his monologue: "Castro he throw mee in de jailhouse because I steeel a Ford convertible. Ten yeers long time. Crazy peeples live with me and I be crazy now too. Castro throw me on raft in Mariel and I float Miami. Hold up the likker store with a plastic knife and I go looney bin!"

The Admou"r's eyes lit up when he heard the words "looney bin!" Why, this man could get a committment order to Creedmoor in a New York minute - and from there - he would go from a man who stole a Ford to a less time than it took the Hakolbishvili brothers and Olamnivrabishvili to print a passport........

Part 3 coming all too soon!

Creedmoor Takes the Financial Markets by Storm! Part 1

Even Sholam Weiss could not sink to the level of the Admou"r meCreedmoor when it came to an utter lack of respect for law and an insatiable appetite for the spoils of gross fraud!

It was not enough that the Admou"r received almost 1 million US dollars per week in entitlement funds made out to scores of nonexistent multiple personalities.

It was not enough that the Admou"r had forged over 500 million dollars worth of deeds, placed insurance policies on the properties, and reaped the rewards of up to eight policies per location.

It was not enough that the Admou"r operated a permanent casino on the Creedmoor grounds (New York State property that he deeded to himself) and many a temporary casino throughout the state, until punters found out that his payouts were in useless pre-war Latvian food coupons (forged, of course).

It was not enough that the Admou"r had managed to retain millions in EU and Saudi economic aid for his short-lived Independent Republic of Creedmoor.

It was not enough that the Admou"r had framed an innocent, mentally incompetent individual and had him sentenced to 967 years for crimes that were the fault of the Admou"r himself.

And it was not enough that the Admou"r operated a scam medical charity in Africa and the Caucasus, netting millions from corrupt customs officials.

Rabos avayros asa ha'Admou"r....but he had yet to find one that "alit al kulana."

Until he discovered that he could beat Enron at its own game; just as Ferdganver the First overtook Sholam Weiss in terms of sentencing, so too would Ferdganver the Second overtake Enron when it came to gross financial fraud.

But first, the Admou"r had to find another Ferdganver. This time, it would prove very easy....

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Juvey Boys Choir

Take the present popularity of boys' choirs in the frum community, and combine it with the Creedmoorer's unbridled avarice, and the availability of funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents - and all Gehennom breaks loose in the form of the BH one and only Juvey Boys' Choir!

The Admou"r was really in fine form for the past four weeks since his release. To begin with, he registered the births of 5000 more daughters, all named Magaifo Nafka and all suffering from various and sundry disabilities requiring 24 hour nursing care and just about every orthopedic, respiratory and cardiac appliance and monitor known to medical science. The reason for this was very simple. The Admou"r was about to export this equipment to charity hospitals from Armenia to the Sahara via his latest organization, Ahavas Mirma - the Creedmoorer Nation Universal Medical Relief Fund.

This noble organization never charges the recipients one cent for the equipment. Instead, it simply sends the equipment, obtained free of charge via US entitlement programs al pi minhag Creedmoor hayadua, to the most corrupt nations on earth, with grossly inflated values and astronomically high shipping costs, COD. The Admou"r's network of crooked customs agents, from Afghanistan to Zarkawi's stronghold in Iraq, and from Antarctica (yes, the Admou"r even manages to ship equipment to research stations in penguin territory) to South America, simply extort huge duties and collect the shipping fees from the often desperate recipients. And of course, anywhere from 20% to 80% of the ill gotten gains are remitted via a series of transfers to "The Hyliger Slush Fund and Keren Maamad of the Grand Rabbi of the Creedmoorer Kehilla Sheyirfa"sh."

Then, the Admou"r extended his Creedmoorer Nation to an abandoned facility in Rockland County, New York, so that he could open the first Yiddish speaking casino. Ads promising "drei tolar far yeder einer" attracted every yeshiva bochur and Bais Yaakov girl who were heading off the derech to really head off the derech - and nothing scared more of them back straight than seeing the depths of depravity to which the Admou"r had sank. Said one concerned parent: "Mayn Genendel vus mamash going tiff in der erd. Then she gay tzi Creedmoorer casino, give der Admou"r a tolar, and get a drei tolar kounterfitisher piece asher yotzor papier. She tells me, Mamme, ich vil nisht zenen azoy vi dem Creedmoorimlach! - and she mach enrollment in der Bais Yaakov semitery far'n bed girls in Eretz Yisroel." Nevertheless, in the 48 hours before the Tznius Patrol chased the casino out of town, it raked in 3 million dollars of real US currency - in exchange for 9 million dollars of worthless toilet paper that cost the Admou"r 10,000 dollars in phony credit cards to print.

Still, the Admou"r was never satisfied, and when he logged into the Internet one day, he read about the availability of Federal funds for rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents in New York State. As a Native American shaman, the Admou"r was now eligible for preferences as a minority vendor. What an opportunity for large scale gezel, the "avoida of a new generation," al pi tabaat Chassidus Creedmoor!

And of course, the Admou"r knew full well of the boys' choir craze in the frum world. So, he proposed a musical talent program for the young delinquents - for which the government would pay 500 dollars per participant, minimum of 10000 participants, of whom 50 would be chosen to sing in the choir. This choir would perform in hospitals, nursing homes, and special schools, to the delight of all.

Now, not even the absentee single parent of the most depraved delinquent would let her offspring participate in a choir led by a man who dressed in tinfoil and plastic bags. That meant that all auditions would have to be conducted with - virtual participants. So, the Admou"r's grant was duly approved when he came up with a list of 10000 young delinquents of all races and colors. Of course, he simply scanned phone books into his computer, but the Federal bureaucracy is not noted for its astuteness.

But that did not prevent the Admou"r from organizing a real choir, composed of young men from the Creedmoor outpatient facility.

And they indeed did perform, at the chassuna of a family where all four parents were in State koilel for sales tax evasion and consumer fraud. Never mind that the choir was paid in forged ECT cards; the performance was a must-see, and it included a new song:


From the ashes itself they saved evidence for the insurance
Get it fast and pay the adjuster with endurance
Clear a path so the inspector can pick up a bag
Burn 'em down, burn 'em down, burn 'em down

5 to 10 flies by like cars passing on the BQE. Parole comes by like the blink of an eye
March to the exercise yard for Shachris, Mincha, Maariv, no mikveh here just the showers, the can is no place for delicate flowers, welfare checks bounce, bounce, bounce....

At this point, even the couple and guests, most of whom wore ankle bracelets of the electronic variety, were so inspired that they wrecked the hall - and who was it insured to if not "The Holiest Congregation of the Community which Walks in the Blessed Ways of Creedmoor."

Police arrived at the scene, and most of the participants in the simcha were duly arrested and booked. And they were followed by the one and only Koirach Bilom Feketeszar, the Gabbai and Insurance Adjuster extraordinaire, who as always was carrying a five gallon pail of some solvent or another. A sheaf of fifties (well, more like a sheaf of 70 dollar bills with a legit 50 on top and a Gruzini special on the bottom) changed hands, and a police officer was asked to sign a sheaf of forms....

And the Admou"r wore a garbage bag in hot Day-Glo orange as he rejoiced in the giving of the payouts.....while Aetna, AXA, Allstate, Cigna, Generali, Prudential, and many a Lloyd's syndicate donned sackcloth and ashes and wept!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Creedmoorer Nation Opens a Casino - Part 2

Of course, the Department of State never recognized the Independent Republic of Creedmoor to begin with so that the whole point was moot. That meant that the Admou"r could move right to part 2 of his plan to maintain sovereignty - while still receiving entitlement payments for every last multiple personality!

"Balaila hahu nodeda shnas hamelech" - on that night, the Admou"r could not sleep. No, he was not looking to see which multiple personality deserved to be rewarded for his latest welfare scam - he was looking through purloined employee and patient directories for names that looked remotely Native American.

As the Admou"r perused the "Divrei Hayomim de'Creedmoor, he settled upon a patient in the ward for the criminally insane, whose name was Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. Needless to say, when one is dealing with patients in a ward for the criminally insane, one has no idea of the actual identities of said patients, let alone their ethnic origins. As for our Great Chief's middle name, apparently it was bestowed upon him by wardens and prisoners alike at his previous port of call, a place which according to some, belonged to the ancient and well respected Sing Sing Native American tribe.

It did not take long for the hyliger Admou"r to find Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree. As for his lineage, while it was impossible to know whether he really was of Native American stock, it was apparent that this tall, dilapidated example of selective inbreeding clearly merited the name Straighttree - for his family tree rivaled that of the late, lamented Uday and Qusay bnei Saddam Hussein in terms of lack of adequate branches.

Straighttree was a perfect candidate for Great Chief of the new Creedmoor Nation, about to be created by the Admou"r meCreedmoor for the sole purpose of opening a casino and entertainment center on the dirt path which connects D-ward with Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and happens to be occupied by a swimming pool and gym which is still State property as it services the few remaining unfortunates who are hospitalized in the official wards of the august Creedmoor facility.

Immediately, the Admou"r obtained his soon to be partner in crime's vital statistics so as to sign him up for every possible entitlement program available. For his trouble, Straighttree received five per cent of the take, paid in three dollar gift certificates for MehaDreck Mart, and redeemable only for firewater. Now, firewater in days of old meant mashke - but in Creedmoor redt, firewater, or more accurately feiervasser, refers to Saudi kerosene, prepared with the © hechsher for use in the immolation of buildings for purposes of obtaining insurance payouts.

"Ma laasois baish asher hamelech chofetz beyikaroi.." - and on that day the Admou"r made for Reb Donald a shtreimel of the finest Malaysian tin foil, noki mekol chashash tumas hatzioinis and therefore exempt from toiveling in the Admou"r's asher yotzor bowl. And in that shtreimel, he stuck a dozen pigeon feathers and he affixed to it Mickey Mouse ears, made of the finest felt obtained in the Occupational Therapy room in the main hospital. Then, Reb Donald was crowned "Grand Chief of the Creedmoorer Nation," as well as being initiated into Chassidus Creedmoor by responding affirmatively to the question: "Tell me Donalt - you iz eppes eligible for SSI?"

Meanwhile, it was time to collect on the policy or ten which the Admou"r placed on the gym which he was about to take over for casino construction purposes: "Donald, gey mach'n fire in gym!" said the Admou"r to his newest charge (while rubbing together 2 sticks to signify fire). "Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo! Me make burn!" replied the Great Chief. "Yasher koiach, ich darf roif'n der insurance!" replied the Admou"r!

The Admou"r was ready for Step 2 - a lawsuit against the State of New York and an injunction against the State prohibiting them from utilizing any land belonging to the Sckemegeigi tribe of the Creedmoorer Nation, which possessed, in the hands of its Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree, deeds showing that this land had been the hunting grounds of the first and greatest chief of the entire Creedmoorer Nation, Horsefeathers Sckemegeigi (pronounced Shmeggege). The Admou"r of course informed the State that Sckemegeigi means "Straight Tree" in Creedmoorer, which is a language of the Purple Mohawk family. (Needless to say, Shmohawk may come to mind for any Mel Brooks fans who happen to be reading this, which makes Blazing Saddles look quite plausible by comparison). According to the 1529 Survey of the Lands of the Colonie of Southe Dreckistan and its Surroundings, this land included D-ward, Kiryas Naye Creedmoor - and Jamaica Center, on Parsons Boulevard in Queens.

Now, given those facts, what State bureaucrat could resist the Admou"r's deal - we, the Creedmoorer Nation, from whose name the very name of the hospital derives, will relinquish any claims to Jamaica Center in exchange for development rights, in perpetuity, to the territory presently occupied by our nation within the confines of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, and including the gymnasium and swimming instruction center presently used by the State of New York for the training of the criminally insane. Said development rights were of course to include a casino, which would be licenced to accept US currency but to pay out in Creedmoor Nation currency, issued by the ancestral printing press of the Shvili tribe, now operated by Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Shabtai Olamnivrabishvili of Rego Park, Queens.

Needless to say, such a proposal would be laughed at by even the most obtuse New York State bureaucrat. But, the Shvili tribe of Rego Park, Queens are known for their production of any document or stamp which the Admou"r may desire - an ancestral craft perfected in Soviet Georgia of old, and passed down from father to son, each of whom have thirteen passports and forty driving licences. So, for a small fee payable in US currency, the Admou"r was presented with a treaty signed and stamped by none other than the Governor of New York himself - FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT! Never mind that Roosevelt had been out of office for many years now and had passed on - the proud men of the Shvili persuasion simply aged the document and backdated it to 1930. This meant that theoretically, the State of New York owed Straighttree compensation for years now!

As for the Admou"r, he proclaimed himself Great Shaman of the Sckemegeigi tribe, and explained to Straighttree that in Creedmoorer practice, the shaman handled all financial administration!

So, the next morning, a truck from "Dollar Bill's Print Shop" delivered a truckload of threes, fives and sevens to the new "Creedmoor Chump Palasse Kasino," operated by the Creedmoorer Nation under the leadership of Great Chief Donald Horsefeathers Straighttree and Grand Shaman (as good a translation as any for and about as authentic as the rest of his rabbinical titles) Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman Sheyirfa"sh.

And the suckers piled in for the 1:3 guaranteed winnings - one US dollar purchased 3 Creedmoorer dollars (also known as forged Estonian food stamps). The truly lucky winners were treated to 1:7 payouts in seven dollar denominations, and on the very first day, a certain Mr James Willmer, Assistant to the Assistant of the Commissioner of Gaming of the State of New York, placed a twenty dollar bill into the "Destroy the Tryfe Medine" slot machine and won a whole sack of threes, sevens and nines, totalling TZVAY MILYEN TOLAR!

Said Mr Willmer was driven back to Albany in a stretch Hummer, and plied with drinks so that the next morning, he had no time to open the sack before work, where he affirmed that all was according to standard at the new casino.

And the fire of Creedmoor burns on, consuming in its wake many a building with good insurance coverage!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Creedmoorer Nation Opens A Casino - part 1!

The Admou"r realized that he had to do something fast. To be sure, the independence of the Republic of Creedmoor was now recognized by Andorra, Iran, France and Malaysia, as well as by the Palestinian Authority and the Taliban National Front of Afghanistan. And the "Independent Republic of Creedmoor" accounts in Switzerland were full to the brim with EU aid transfers. But, after his long adventure in the Kennedy Airport immigration lockup, the Admou"r knew that his independent status was worth little - and what was worse, as the "Admou"r For Life" of an independent country, he could no longer receive US entitlement programs - and neither could any other personality in his fiefdom.

So, the Admou"r cut up his "Independent Republic of Creedmoor" passport, and, in due conformity with "Law 65856356 of the Code of Regulations of the European Union of Socialist Failed Economies Regarding the Transfer of Funds to Corrupt Dictators Who Oppose Israel," transferred the millions in EU subsidies to his personal accounts in Switzerland and Panama.

He then called the Department of Defense and stated his intention to cede the entire territory of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor back to the United States. But, as always with Creedmoor, there were some strings attached..............

Friday, December 02, 2005

Dor Reshoim - keeping future generations devoid of merit!

As a response to her hyliger husband's continuing detention and with hope that his Section 8 and welfare cheques continue to arrive despite his declaration of independence from the USA, Mrs Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, a woman who is Izevel, a yachne, and veritably brimming with tzoiah from all her pores, is proud to present DOR RESHOIM!

Imagine the tragedy.

1) Rivky: The daughter of geshmake Federal koilel yungeleit is introduced to a young man who is so far from her family derech - he learns, davens, gives tzedoko, participates in community service without being sentenced to same by a judge...

2) Mendy: The son of the most prominent family in our community, and a young man who has the zechus to be inscribed on the welfare rolls of all fifty states as well as three Canadian provinces is redt to a young lady from a Chassidus that is known for such horrors as bikur choilim...and he marries her and leaves the derech, becoming a successful and ehrliche businessman....

That is why the Rebbetzin is proud to introduce the Dor Reshoim Matchmaking Screening Service! For a very small fee, payable in entitlement checks, we screen potential marriage partners to make sure that both sides have felony records and welfare profiles for at least as many generations as they have resided in the free world! Each participant will have his or her family's records broadcast all over town, in every mikve and even on the Net!

A success story: Yachne and Bilom come from fine State Koilel families, on opposite coasts. Yachne's great grandfather ran a black market in textiles between the 2 wars in Chelm, and her parents are on probation for tax evasion . Bilom's father and mother are serving 20 year sentences for gasoline tax fraud and money laundering. So, when their children came of age, the parents asked Dor Reshoim to check the records. And they matched - both families carry a fine heritage of fraud and parasitism. So, the chassuna was celebrated with one set of parents wearing handcuffs and the other wearing ankle bracelets - invy hagefen veinvy hagefen - or is it oy vay a ganif mit oy vay a gonif! And three months later, Yachne gave birth to a baby who is already signed up for SSI and welfare in 30 states!

So, if you do not want your child to chalila marry an ehrliche baal chesed, but you'd prefer a nishtgeferlache ba'al gayve vetayve, call Dor Reshoim now at 1-888-RESHOIM! Keep our families FREE of birth defects such as chesed, rachamim and ehrlichkeit!

Coming soon - very important Creedmoor news!

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is indeed out of detention, and he is presently endorsing and depositing the myriad welfare and SSI cheques that have come into his possession while away from Creedmoor. Tomorrow, we will present an update as to just how the Admou"r managed to escape from detention - and on Sunday, an important announcement regarding the independent status of Creedmoor is expected.

And the Admou"r is now taking questions on - this is a great chance to meet the man who has elevated mirma and gezel to an art form!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Reb Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver lands in Federal Koilel - Part 3

Soon enough, FBI agents swooped down upon the hallowed halls of D-ward d'Creedmoor, armed with a warrant for the arrest of Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, ne Jacinto Rodriguez. The warrant was issued thanks to the work of Dr Pervez "Pervy" Khan, who convinced the wonderfully capable investigators that all of the stolen funds placed in his account and in the account of a certain "Grand Rabbi David Schmoigerman of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor and Other Things Best Avoided," were placed there by Rodriguez, who had even had passports forged in the name of Jacob K. Ferdganver so as to prove that he was an officer of the Disjoint Distribution Committee, an offshoot of the Disjointed Jewish Communities.

In the meantime, Dr Pervy had fled back to his native Pakistan (where he had transfered much of his ill gotten stash of section 8 and food stamp funds). This meant that when the bravest and finest of the FBI arrived at the exalted premises of D-ward, they were greeted by a Chassidic rebbe wearing a tin foil hat and an undersized and underbrained Mexican riding a broomstick. Needless to say, the most honorable rebbe all of a sudden regained sanity, and calmly explained to the investigators that Jacinto Rodriguez was their man - and even showed the phony photo ID's bearing Rodriguez's likeness and the highly fictitious surname of Ferdganver.

Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez was clearly at least 39.8 WD's short of a can of WD-40; the proud men of the FBI had a warrant for his arrest on charges of defrauding the Federal Government, and they would not leave the premises without their man. Never mind that their real man was the esteemed and disdained Admou"r, and that his henchman had fled to Pakistan. Never mind that Jacinto Rodriguez could not spell the abbreviation FBI. Jacinto Rodriguez was spirited out in Creedmoor, in an unmarked Ford Victoria, and taken to the Federal Mesivta a/k/a the Metropolitan Corrections Center, for pretrial detention.

Since Rodriguez had no lawyer, no known relatives, and a dubious immigration status, his trial took place a mere 2 weeks after his arrest. Indeed, at his pre-trial hearing he wore a shirt marked "Someone smuggled me in from Jalisco and all I have to show for it is this lousy T-shirt". However, one would be correct to suspect that it was printed along with his Ferdganver passport and licence, at the one and only Dollar Printing and Lamination of Rego Park, one of a very few merchants which displays a certificate "by exclusive appointment to the royal hoif of the Admou"r meCreedmoor"

The trial was attended by few people indeed - but one of those people probably counted for hundreds or thousands when it came to Federal subsidy and entitlement grants as well as votes in Federal, State and local elections. Yes, in return for his assistance with the case against Rodriguez, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was allowed to attend the trial - in his traditional form of dress, the famous pointed tinfoil shtreimel and orange garbage bag bekeshe.

And what a trial it was! As the prosecuting attorney read each of the 967 counts against Jacinto Rodriguez, the Admou"r cheered him on by singing "Vekoil karnei reshoim agadeach" while banging his walking stick against the seat on which his royal tuches was regally perched. Jacinto responded only by saying: "Heee said to mee to say I ggggggeeeeeeeeeellteeeeee. Geeeeeeeeeelteee meen I go back Mexico! But meeeeeeee Amerikan seetezin!"

Eventually, the jury came to a unanimous conclusion: Jacinto Rodriguez was guilty as charged - and so was Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver.

And now came the sentencing phase. Now it was the judge's turn to read the litany of charges: "One count of felony count of count of identity theft (the Admou"r had informed the FBI that the Ferdganver identity belonged to a long dead and highly respected rabbi who had been the head of an important rabbinical court in some village in Hungarian Galicia and then emigrated to the US where he affixed his seal to products such as water and cane sugar so as to render them kasher lemehadrin min hamehadrin), etc, etc until he came to enough felonies to be able to pronounce a sentence.

So he counted and one concurrent, one and two suspended, one and three in sequence, one and four concurrent....and the Admou"r regaled the good judge with a rendition of the posuk "yomim al y'my melech toisif" that would certainly not have landed him a recording contract with Aderet, let alone Jdub or chalila Sony, but which certainly had an effect on the rodent and roach population of the Federal courthouse in Lower Manhattan. And so it went on for about three hours until the judge tallied up the sentence and came to: 967 years.

And the Admou"r, in his tremendous chessed, sped off in a taxi to Dollar Printing, where he presented pictures of various movie stars and asked for passports and birth certificates in the names of Cholerye, Koirach, Bilom, Homon, Antiochus, Kalev Hunt and Sus Ferd Ferdganver. Upon his return to Creedmoor, these documents were couriered to the Social Security office by another unwitting dupe from the maintenance staff, who was rewarded with five food stamps, in seven dollar denominations, for his trouble.

Finally, these numbers were used to sign up for the usual Creedmoor cohort of payments - SSI, Medicaid, disability, welfare, ECT, WIC, food stamps, and a few insurance policies. And all of these payments were put into a special fund called the Jacob Ferdganver Foundation, meant for the sustenance of the many starving multiple personalites of the rosh verishon lekol davar shebemirma, Dovid Schmoigerman of Creedmoor ve'shaar marin bishin.