Sunday, December 31, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Saddam Hussein

Ve, as representatives from der Disjointed Communities fin Creedmoor, are very much to mournink der late great Saddam Hussein, leader and friend in der struggle against the worldwide Zionist government and fellow kounterfitter from Zionist Imperialist US currency. Der Admou'r is sitting shiva in Creedmoor - room 209, Beis Medrash Evyoin d'Creedmoor, D-room service closet.

Moshe Aryeh Friedman is unable to sit shiva in Teheran due to the enmity between Iran and Iraq, and asks all like minded individuals to sit shiva on his behind.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Mahmoud and the Six Dwarves - a New Haimishe Video

Mahmoud and the Six Dwarves!
Screenplay: The Creedmoor Chronicler

The video tells the tale of an Iranian prince who wanted to do what his predecessor Achashverosh did and hold a beauty contest to choose hisprincess. Since the prince feared that one day he might have to flee Iran, he wanted girls from outside the country, who held foreign passports, to participate in the contest. However, Prince Mahmoud (played by Benny Elbaz) mistakenly contacted a haimish shadchan who was both very evil and very confused.

The elderly shadchan, Moshe Ber Beck, checked his blacklist and sent six of his most dilapidated, dissipated, dissheveled, defunct and deranged BOCHURIM to Iran instead of the six girls who were supposed to go to meet the Prince.

(The blacklist scene is wild! The shadchan's grandson, played by a young man who has made a name for himself on the frum net by imping and stalking members of the Miami Boys Choir past and present, is asked by his senile grandfather to read the blacklist out loud. Other than the 6 who are chosen, the names include Moishe Finkel of Shvache Meats fame, Jack Abramoff, Sholam Weiss, Mike Tyson and Al Sharpton, whose name is somehow changed to Ayliyuhee Sharfman. Pictures of all the blacklisters appear during the video, some with prison numbers, some demonstrating alongside Muslims, some wearing restraints, and one in solitary confinement).

The prince was so disgusted that he held a great banquet to which all of the Jew haters in the world were invited along with the six haimishe losers. To Prince Mahmoud's surprise, the losers enjoyed the conference immensely, and they took turns kissing the prince.

Of course, all Prince Mahmoud really wanted was a foreign passport, and he finds out that in the EU, of which Austria is a part, acertain type of marriage lo aleinu is actually recognized by the government. In the end, the prince finds a Conservative "rabbi" who agrees to serve as mesader kedushin for his sham marriage to the youngest of the menuvelach, the hapless Moshe Aryeh Friedman, who is deftly, or is it daftly, played by Lipa Schmeltzer!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Saparmurat Niyazov

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin,
including K'hal Anshai Domim v'Mirma d'Alcatraz and the Plutonian Committee
for the Destruction of the Zionist Entity, mourn the untimely death of
Hakadosh Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan. We join in the sorrow of the
brave Turkmen people over the loss of their great and glorious leader, who
is a follower of the Creedmoorer derech of "take everything you can and
leave nothing for anyone else." May his family and the Turkmen nation be
comforted in the name of Allah the all-merciful, to whom we look daily in
our struggle against the Zionist entity.

Rabbi Dr Dovid'l Schmoigerman-Goldman, Admou'r meCreedmoor, Alcatrazer
Rebbe, RovHaRishus dePluto, veShaar Marin Bishin.

Moishe Aryeh Fryedkopf, Vienna Creedmoorer Rov

Yisroel Dovid Scheiss, Beis Creedmoor d'Monsey

Moshe Ber Dreck, Neturei Creedmoor of Monsey

Ahron Cohnhead, Szarkonozvary Rov and Proprietor of Ahron's Thousand Egg
Omelets of Manchester.

Israel Hirschenschlang, Creedmoor Center of AlQuds, Filastin.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Ahron Cohen part 2 - The Bris

One fine morning 83 years ago, a Gypsy traveler visited Szarkonoszvary. Like most Hungarian Gypsies, he made his less than honest living working with metal - using tools that he purloined from honest blacksmiths in neighboring villages. He knew that in Szarkonoszvary there was little money, but he also knew that the hamlet was even more lacking in brainpower.

So, he walked into the home of Velvel and Shana Byla Cohen, who were celebrating the birth of their firstborn baby boy, and offered them a wondrous thing that the villagers had never seen before. It was a claw hammer, rusty and with a termite infested handle, and the traveler offered it for the low price of one copper crown.

"Shana Byla, gib a kik! Look from dis tink! We can use the part that's sticking out to hit him so we won't have to drop our precious yingele on the floor like Tatte did to me, and we can use the anderer end as a moihel messer! Di vaist vus Lipa der moihel lost his knife AGAIN!"

"Oy, Velvel, such a chochom I married! Yes, mir darf koifen der zach! How much he is wantink for it, the tzigane?"

"Eyne copper kroin!"

"One second, I'll run to the vyber shul and steal a kroin from the pushka!"

"Far vus? You think I am ever turnink over one shtickl copper from inzerer Reb Mayer Baal Haness pishka to der Reb Mayer Baal Haness? Nem fin inzerer!"

So Rebbetzin Cohen removed a copper crown from the family's Rabbi Mayer Baal Haness pushka (never mind that her husband was the official collector for Koilel Shoimrei Hamikve d'Kupas Rabbeyni Mayer Baal Hagelt to which the pushka belonged) and handed it to the gypsy, who then ran fast after he dropped the termite ridden tool on the Cohen's table.

Seven days later, it was time for the baby's bris and his head cracking ceremony, in which he would be inducted (or perhaps indicted) into the Congregation of Israel, but in a way that only Szarkonoszvary (which some say meant not "Village of Yellow Dung," but was rather a corruption of the phrase "Sakonos Nefashois") would ever recognize.

Lipa the mohel sharpened the insides and edges of the claw of the hammer, and dipped it in a mixture of schmaltz and slivovitz in order to make his work safer and easier. Years later, when this boy was threatened with "another bris," he would actually dare the threatener to go ahead with his plans, because his bris was completely possul, and the results were less than professional.

For this boy was named Ahron, a perfect name for someone whose family had pretended to be Cohanim for four generations now.

And the second part of the ceremony was conducted by Velvel Cohen, whose own skull cracking ceremony had left him with brain damage (meant to prevent him from joining the Haskalah) that in turn weakened his upper limbs.

So, instead of dropping little Ahron on his soft head as his father had done to him at the age of 8 days, Velvel Cohen impotently picked up the hammer and gave his baby son a series of weak, short whacks on the left side of his tiny head. The results were an utter disaster, as Velvel Cohen, ignorant of physiology as he was of everything else in life except tzedoko scams, had not injured the parts of the brain that control intellect or motor functions.

Instead, Velvel Cohen created a monster, as he damaged the part of his son's brain which controls emotions and logic. And as we will see in the next installment, Ahron Cohen would grow up mentally astute by Szarkonoszvary and later Neturei Kreedmoor standards, but his behavior and social interactions were completely and utterly devoid of humanity.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Ahron Cohen (NK Manchester) - A Son of "The Hungarian Chelm"

Ahron Cohen is the Manchester delegate to the Iranian Holocaust convention; here is the information which we have obtained regarding his eminent assininity:

Everyone knows about Chelm, the Polish town where bagel holes were sold, and where the Va'ad Hanarronim ruled the town with an iron dunce cap. But Chelm was a parody, a Creedmoor Chronicles if you will, of an "ir ve'em beYisroel," where Torah permeated every cobblestone.

On the other hand, Szarkonoszvary - "Village of the Yellow Dung" - was the real thing. Isolated from the rest of Hungary by a river and a mountain range, Jews probably took refuge there during times of terrible persecution. But when times improved, all but two or three families left the little village for better lives elsewhere.

Now, a minyan cannot function without a Cohen, so the Cohen family was chief among those that stayed. Never mind that the family name was actually Werczberger and they were not really Cohanim. The family patriarch, Yossel Cohen, was a simpleton who could not spell Werczberger, so he decided on the easier to spell and remember Cohen. Since he was not the most ehrlicher Yid out there, he decided he would declare himself a descendant of Aharon Hacohen while he was at it. This meant he would be called to the Torah first as well as to be able to supplement his meager income as a dung delivery man with some pidyon haben gelt.

To understand the Cohen family, it must be understood that the families who remained in isolated little Szarkonoszvary were not the most intelligent Jews in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Whether due to inbreeding, or lack of proper nutrition, or both, the Szarkonoszvary community consisted of very simple minded people.

And no family was simpler than that of the son of Yossel Cohen, Velvel, who married Shana Byla Cohen, his first cousin. Shana Byla was herself the unsophisticated and uneducable but notably shrewish product of a marriage between Yossel's brother and his own first cousin. Indeed, Shana Byla's mother was the town yente and was called Yachne Vashti Cohen, her birth name having been forgotten about five Purims after she was born.

As per Szarkonoszvary custom, Yossel dropped his son Velvel on a hard dirt floor head first when he reached the age of one year. This was the local segula against joining up with the Haskalah, the anti-Torah "enlightenment" that was becoming popular and stealing souls in large cities such as Budapest and Vienna. After all, if one was unable to understand Western philosophy, how could he join the Haskalah? Never mind that the brain damage inflicted by dropping a child on its head would also render him unable to study Torah; there was not even a Chumash to be found in illiterate Szarkonoszvary.

The minhag, carried out into the next generation by simple, partially crippled Velvel Cohen, would have truly disastrous effects upon his son, Ahron Cohen.

(more coming soon)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Truth is Stranger than Fiction

We have just obtained information proving that the eminently undersized and addled Moshe Aryeh Friedman , who, according to Bloomberg, called the Holocaust "a successful fiction,'' is NOT Moshe Aryeh Friedman who grew up (but not too far up) in Brooklyn. He is actually Moshe Aryeh Ferdganver, one of only two Creedmoorer Chassidim who not only really exists in the flesh, but who was born in Creedmoor.

The story of his escape to Vienna, using nothing but bedsheets, is a fascinating tale of fraud, theft, deception, and cowardice. We are presently trying to digest all of the information which we were given by Dr Ramesh (nicknamed Dr Ramallah by the staff for his parroting of Creedmoor anti-Zionist views) Patel, the doctor on duty at the time. Since Patel sprinkled vindaloo powder on the documents, it will take us at least a day to digest them (unless we manage to get them detoxified). Therefore, we should have this story written by Wednesday 20 December/5th day of Chanukah-29 Kislev.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Coming soon - The Intergalactic Conference on Welfare Denial

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has given his East Coast wife, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, a get after she returned from the Intergalactic Conference on Welfare Denial. More to come shortly.

Friday, December 15, 2006

New Creedmoor Coming This Week..

According to Creedmoor minhag, Purim and Chanukah are the same because Al Hanissim and Hallel are said both days. So, Creedmoor will finally be back this week. And in the meantime, here are 2 satirical pieces about the Viennese representative of Creedmoor, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman: (Neturei Karta Activist Threatens Singer) (Friedman Family Sues for Wrongful Birth)

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Der Admou"r Conflagratulates to dem Demokretik Party

"It is mit great pleazure det I, der undisputed lieder fin der largest Jewish multiple community in der velt, conflagratulates to der Demokretik Party for winnink again der House fin Reprezentatives in der New York State guverner race. As der largest block fin undeservink welfare resipientz in the United Stetes fin Americhke, we are knowink dat der Demokretik Party stends for welfare for all end work far keiner. We are also knowink dat der Demokretik Party is supporting to der weakining fin der Tzioinisher medina and der farshtarkeit fin Iran in Nort Korea. We are derfar having a Conflagratulation Party, where we make a conflegretion in our Alkatraz complex for insurance, Federal aid, and the Demokretik Way!"

Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman
Grand Rabbi of the Disordered and Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor
President for Life of the Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor

Sunday, October 22, 2006

If dey exist nisht, den dey ochet ken't breathe....

"Look from dis, Prunepit! Dey gives free respiretory ekvipment to patients from Medikare ver ken't breathe... Tell to me, myne Chassidim, if dey exist nisht, den dey oichet ken't breathe, right?"

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call SchmoigerWOMAN of Alcatraz was in another dimension, where breathing was optional in any event when she heard her husband the Admou'r shreaking with delight at the possibility of yet another Medicare scam. But even she was not prepared for the amazing chutzpah of the Admou"r, who actually decided to call the Department of Health and Somewhat Human Services to check the eligibility of his patients for various types of breathing apparati.

"Hello! Dis de Department fin Helt of the Zionist States fin Americhke?"

"Yes, dis be da Department of Health an'Human Services. Dis be Shigella speaking! How can I be helpin' you today?"

"I heve in myne nursink home eppes eighty nine trillion patients who ken't breathe vidout oxygen mesks. How I ken get dem oxygen? Alles zenen on Medicare!"

"Eighty-nine TRILLION! Load, dis be MAH day! I waz gonna get my butt fire' from here kuz de boss man say I ain't doin' enuf appLEEkayshunz! Now I'z gonna get me a PRO-moshun!"

"Vutz more I give to you a fifty tousend doller check if you getz all from my patients der oxygen! Dat's enuf for you to retire to sunny Sen Kventin!"

"Yeaaah, praize be da Load! I'z gonna retire wi'my bonus an' my check from you! Now, what be dere names?"

"Dey dozen't heve names. Kuz dey dozen't exist! But you want to know from what names we register dem for welfare? Take der phone book, put Leroy, den Reggie, den Lakeesha, den Broooche, den Yoiel, den Gimpel in front from every femily name end mach a metch mit your computer rekerds.."

(Little did Ms Shigella Johnson know that her benefactor wanted large supplies of oxygen so that he could "make a metch" on several unoccupied slum buildings in all 50 states, which somehow had deeds in the name of "Creedmoor Beneficient Society" for insurance purposes only.

"Hey, dat gonna take me a LONG time, man!"

"Det's OK. I doesn't need da oxygen far no patients nohow. Maybe you heve eppes a boyfriend who sells crack?"

"Mah son Leroy got himself 2 Cadillac Sclades an' a Land Cruiser. I doesn't know what he sell' but it be bad, man!"

"You got maybe his phone number? I ken buy him 2 more Sclades to drive around Leavenworth if he do from what I is esking!"

"Yeh, sure. Tell him to give his mama a hand!"

So the Admou"r meCreedmoor called Leroy Washington of Watts, Los Angeles, California, a San Quentin alumnus with a record that stretched far longer than his six foot seven inch body...

"So mama gonna give me oxygen and I throws it in yo' bildings! Dat'z kool."

"Yo, and den I farkoif dir a naye Sklade you can drive in der projects in Leavenworth!"

And the tale ended quite sadly for Leroy, who ended up trying to imitate an Islamic suicide terrorist by driving his car, loaded with oxygen tanks, into the Schmoigerman Manor Nursing Home in Watts. Leroy, as high as a kite on speed, managed only to severely injure himself and merit an arrest for attempted arson and destruction of city property. Meanwhile, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Anti-Zionist People's Republic of Creedmoor presented a bill for damage to his property to the UN and EU as well as to Generali, Axa, Aetna, Allstate and AIG.

Score: Schmoigerman 50 million - Washington 0.

And needless to say, Ms Shigella Johnson was summarily fired, and did not receive any compensation whatsoever from Schmoigerman's Fund.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Schedule for New Jewish Year

Due to other, more serious, committments, I will not have much time to blog here. Still, I will try to post at least once a month, and Creedmoor type material will appear from time to time on as "Not Quite the Frumspace News" or similar in Yiddish.

In the meantime, join me in a most definitely non-Creedmoor venture by checking out daily for inspiration and mutual financial success.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Creedmoor Puts Neturei Karta in Cherem

From now to eternity it should be known det der Neturei Karta, led by der reshoim Scheiss, drecque, Friedbrain, end kompany iz in zeyr a gresser chyrem! We of der K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Gezel veMirma Kiddush Club are alveyz very kareful to burn der Tzioini fleg only in kerosene soaked verehouses - dis way we are making big gelt every time ve iz burnink der fleg. Deze narronim iz burnink dem outside on der street end making fin demselves stoopid foolz.

Derfar, we put into CHYREM all of der members (24 1/2 at last count) from the so kallt Neturei Karta and we wish to dem dat dey do tshuve by burnink bildings instead from flegs. Dis is meanink dat we will no longer buy from der Ladies Auxiliary fin Neturei Karta no more hand sewn Zionist flegs; in fekt we make dem now fin paper imported fin Malayzia so dey burn faster.In addition, ve have kanseled our order of misspellt protest posters from dem and now we make our own sayink "Burnink Hevily Insured Bildinks iz a Mitzveh and Helps to End der Zionest Imperialist State!"

(Original is signed by no fewer than 89561564985913519685169965494951 multiple personalities, every single one of them recently registered for the British dole as well as for American welfare and yes, Zionist Bituah Leumi!)

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Der Admou"r is Wishink to All A Dreckisher Zionist New Year

"It is from me to take dis opportunity to wish all who is darkened by der Tzioinis and is still usink der Tzioini kelender a truly dreckish Tzioini new year. A shnas skila, sreyfo, hereg, chenek, malkos, kareis, knas, chyrem, nidui far all Tzioinim. Dis is not from us inzerer New Year - dis year we is selebratink Chinese - but still I am wishink to all from our Chassidim a yohr filt mit welfare, Section 8, disability, insurance payouts, SSI, Medikaid in alle gitte zachen!"

-Der Admou'r meCreedmoor.

Creedmoor will return after Tzom Gedaliah with full information on the Admou"r's exploits on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Meet Benzine Gross, Resident of Otisville Federal Kollel

This morning I visited Otisville Federal Kollel, a/k/a Glatt Kosher Club Fed. To read more, click on this link:

Monday, September 11, 2006

Der Admou"r Offers Asylum to Bucky Phillips

Press Release: Creedmoor News Agency:

"Azoy vi ich bin der Rov fin der gresser asylum in shtodt New York, ich vil gibn asylum tzi der Amerikanisher hero Bucky Phillips! Bucky Phillips iz a soldat in der milchome aggenst der Zionishtisher government fin New York Stete in oichet fin Americhke.

This vay I ken gostrite far him a book af English in oichet af Hymish far'n der Artskroll crowd, end make a millyen dollers fin Barns end Noble un ten toizent food shtemps fin der Judaike stores in Brooklyn vus is sellink Inglish Judaike books det arent ritten half ez good from mine!"

Psychiatrist Budhu Gheekabob, who translated the press release from Hymish to Hindi, explained that occasionally der Admou"r really does take some medication so that he can continue to maintain his insane status. He confirmed that said medication is known as Everclear and is strong both in taste and in effect. He also confirmed that it is illegal in New York State, but that many of der Admou"r's multiple personalities reside in New Jersey, and they purchase it for him. He neither confirmed nor denied rumors that der Admou"r in turn resells it as Kois shel Shecht'em Oon A Brooche for 50 - 700 dollars a cup.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Shvache Meats was NEVER under Creedmoor certification

A rumor has been going around the underbelly of the Web stating that Shvache Meats of Monsey was actually a front for a Creedmoor moisad and was under Creedmoorer certification. This is fully incorrect.

Creedmoor certifies only pork loin, ostrich, and gefilte fish fried in lard. We would not go so low as to sell Zionist chicken as kosher. We are proud of doing everything we can to promote gezel vemirma, and we do so openly!

We in fact proclaim that Shvache Meats of Monsey, NY was and is a Zionist organization, and that its owner is thereby subject to the punishments befitting those who support the Zionist entity. He has a place waiting for him in the Ahavas Ne'arim boys choir of Creedmoor if one or more of the many people whom he cheated and gravely inconvenienced decide to render him able to sing with a very high pitched voice.

In other words, this meat mess is an example of what happens when the practices satirized in this blog get out of hand and affect the community as a whole. While everyone is tempted, and occasionally good people make bad decisions that may be illegal, there is a limit to what we can accept. When our communities tolerate dishonesty and chilul Hashem, this dishonesty comes back to haunt us both bein odom lemakoim and bein odom lachaveiroi.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Intergalactic Welfare and Section 8 (part 1)

"Look from dis! Pluto iz nisht meyr a planet! Det meanz it no longer iz belongink to the United Statez fin Americhke end we ken go in dere and take it over!" This was the extremely well informed Admou'r meCreedmoor's response to an article in Da Shiksa (the magazine of Nshei Creedmoor) which his East Coast rebbetzin, Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Cholerye (the Cholerye was added when she nearly lost her three hundred Section 8 subsidies due to an unusually alert bureaucrat who noticed several thousand discrepancies in her applications) brought him.

"OK, now we must to get subsidiez far bildink houzink units far'n the impoverished extraterrestrialz who ken no longer to get velfare end sekshin 8 from Americhke! Den ve bilds dem and sends bills tzi der United Nations, EU, der Zionist Entity, Americhke end the Jewish Federation - maybe oichet det Bill Gates foundashin now dat Buffet gave tzi dem so much gelt!"

Anything having to do with extraterrestrials had to involve not the East Coast Rebbetzin, but the illustrious West Coast Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall-Schmoigerman. Since she spent most of her time on long and short term trips that did not require a plane, let alone a rocketship, or even Tefilas Haderech, certainly she would know how to reach Pluto easily so that the Admou"r could find 8989489898421897984651564897464798789789561 extraterrestrials to settle on a 1 centimeter by 1 centimeter plot of land on his interplanetary atlas, just as his Rebbetzin managed to travel between galaxies using no vehicle other than a one centimeter by one centimeter piece of blotter paper..

(more coming tomorrow)

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Creedmoor FAQ Is Here!

Frequently Asked Questions about Creedmoor (and a Guide to Creedmoor Personalities):

1) Who or what is the Admou"r meCreedmoor?

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is one of the three star talmidim of Moshe Hirsch sheyirfash (he should have a speedy recovery), Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Disarray. The other two are Hasan Nasrkaka and Mahmoud Ahmadijendeh. Known on Usenet as David Goldman (until his virtual death on Apr 27 2004), Dovid Schmoigerman practices an odd form of Chassidus that combines a takeoff on Breslov hisbodedus (walking around Queens wearing boxer shorts three sizes too big and yelling "Shygetz Aross" at the top of his lungs), Neturei Karta fanaticism (according to the Admou"r, the Chmelnitzki pogroms of 1648 were a direct result of the proclamation of the Jewish state in 1948), and a very liberal interpretation of "loi signoiv," in which theft from Zionists, including the American government, is considered a mitzvah rather than an aveira.

2) What is the Admou"r meCreedmoor's real position on the State of Israel?

The answer is very simple - he is milking the State for all it is worth. The Admou"r has purchased a number of defunct plants throughout Israel, and assumed their payrolls. Since these plants are defunct, he uses the names of the dismissed workers, changes a letter or two, adds a few dependents, and draws unemployment and national insurance benefits for each one. All but the most corrupt and suborned Israeli bureaucrats wonder how a nation of six or seven million souls can be paying benefits to three hundred million employees of a mysterious non profit headquartered in an independent republic that shares an address with a series of run-down and closed wings of a New York State psychiatric facility located in Queens.

3) When and how did the Admou"r become an Admou"r?

Apparently, he earned his smicha the hard way - by sending 1000 empty packages of Bloom's Chewing Gum to a Post Office Box in Monroe, New York. An unidentified prankster in Monroe waited until Purim to send "Grand Rabbi Dovid Shmoigerman Shlit"a" a blank certificate showing rabbinical ordination from a defunct Cholov Yisroel dairy plant in Szarkonoszvary, Hungary.

4) What are some of the major institutions in Creedmoor?

Former Use: Children's Therapeutic Pool Present Use: Mikveh
Former Use: Basket Weaving Room Present Use: Beis Medrash Govoha
Former Use: Broom Closet Present Use: Armory for Tznius Patrols
Former Use: Toilet Present Use: Aroin Koidesh
Former Use: Computer Room Present Use: Food Stamp Printing Press
Former Use: Padded Cell Present Use: Admou"r's Yichud Room
Former Use: Cafeteria Present Use: Mehadreck Mart
Former Use: Hot Water Tank Present Use: Kerosene Storage
Former Use: Gardens and Field Present Use: Jewish Children's Misois and Malkois Museum
Former Use: Chapel Present Use: Mosque for Visiting Dignitaries

5) What is the Admou"r's Real Psychiatric Diagnosis?

Kleptomaniac and sociopath. The only reason he is voluntarily committed to Creedmoor is that he cannot face charges of grand theft, fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, and impersonation of Sholam Weiss if judged insane. In addition, if judged sane, he could face penalties as severe as election to the US Senate. His recent declaration of "The Independent Republic of the Anti-Zionist Federation of Multiple Personalities of Creedmoor" was a final and successful attempt to avoid persecution. His registry of the Sckemegegi Indian Tribe was a final and successful attempt to keep US welfare subsidies flowing into his pockets.

6) How many Creedmoor Chassidim are there?

In reality? None. The Admou"r has no living Chassidim. Creedmoor psychiatrists and janitorial staff sometimes serve as willing or unwilling shills in the Admou"r's various schemes and scams. The only other physical resident of a Creedmoor community is the Admou"r's latest Rebbetzin, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall, who resides in a state of hallucinogenic semi-consciousness at the Creedmoor West Coast Alcatraz location.

7) How many Creedmoor Chassidim show on the annals of the Chassidus?

89638947984651695849846548947895489886945620 in Creedmoor, an additional 8645198475615654945648979495642189459894 in Alcatraz, a recently added 789465168470184981489717978154549847917798781819717891 in Guantanamo Bay, and three hundred million in the Zionist Entity.

8) That adds up to a number which is far greater than the population of the entire world.

So what? They are all getting welfare, section 8, and disability and many are listed as beneficiaries of property and life insurance policies. And since Creedmoor is devoted to the destruction of the State of Israel, the UN and EU recognize the population figures as justified and verified for the purposes of granting additional aid under their joint "Aid to Corrupt Entities Which Oppose The Existence of the Zionist Entity" (ACEWOTEZE) program.

More to come before Rosh Chodesh Av: Leading Virtual Personalities of Creedmoor (Updated)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Creedmoor Conquers Guantanamo Bay!

Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall considers herself fortunate indeed to have found a new employer who is just as committed as she is to diversity and social change, to say nothing of anti-globalization and anti-imperialism - namely the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. Of course the Admou"r was committed to certain facilities as well, but this hardly bothered Lilac Blossom, as she was ready to share in the voluntary and fictitious incarceration of her new spiritual high guru.

Like all good self appointed socially revolting activists, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall was actually born Jewish! Apparently, the family name in Europe had been Flomschafter, as the family business had something to do with sales of defective plums. So, her socially conscious and physically often unconscious (due to heavy use of LSD) mother had changed the surname to Prunepit, and McCall was simply the name of a fellow social revoltary who had possibly fathered Lilac Blossom's daughter, Peach Stone.

In fact, Miss "Most Pure Gift of the Holiest Earth Mother Peach Stone Cannabis Leaf Prunepit Blossoming Tulip Patchouli Sewer Garden Peyote McCall - Jamal - Nkogongko - X" was taken from her mother as an infant due to impossibly high levels of 2,4,D, a common garden herbicide, in her blood. When social workers and doctors alike interviewed her regarding the presence of what is commonly known as Weed-B-Gon in her bloodstream, she answered: "There was like a destructive imperialist paternal spiritual weed growing in my belly that threatened the purity and tenderness of my little baby who is a part of our pure and much loved Earth Mother, so I drank a cup of Weed-B-Gon along with my daily joint every morning!" Needless to say, such an answer was just what Social Services needed to confiscate little Peach Stone, who, in true InSane Francisco style, was placed with a family of illegal migrant workers from Rio Basura, Mexico, and was eventually deported to Mexico as her adoptive parents could not possibly convince the authorities as to the veracity of the highly unlikely story of the origins of their little girl, which could only be true in progressive, open-minded InSanE Francisco and nearby Most High Berkeley.

So, when the Admou"r took over Alcatraz, her former job as tour guide was upgraded to that of: "Rebbetzin, West Coast Division, Disjointed Association of Progressive Communities of Creedmoor."

And the new Rebbetzin was amazed by the cultural diversity of the members of her new community, especially as her constant use of peyote and lysergic acid diethylamide rendered her impervious to the fact that she and the Admou"r were the only physical inhabitants of Alcatraz Island.

"Look, Lilak Blossem, who I heve here! Mkabele, Hernandez, O'Reilly, Cohen, Longtree, Roundleg, Van Der Gutter, Stronzetti (you know, like Sekko end Ventzetti), Kovalski, Vegner, Schlokhendler, Vargas, Ferdganver...det's my fight against der Zionist Imperialist Regime fin Americhke!" Never mind that each surname was attached to eleven hundred different first names, and that these were duly submitted to every possible state and federal entitlement program - Lilac Blossom could not help but be impressed that an old fashioned rabbi, dressed in black garbage bags and a tin foil hat, led such an amazingly diverse community!

"End now ve're gonna go far der big time! We gonna konker to Guantenemo end get rid from the Zionist imperialist regime and get free health care end welfare far all der prizonners!" Of course in Creedmoor parlance, this simply meant hacking the computers at Gitmo, so as to obtain a new batch of surnames to place on applications for the three things on which Creedmoor stands - welfare (fraud), section 8 (fraud) and disability (fraud). But Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall could hardly hide her excitement:

"When do we start, holy Rabbi?" she asked. "First, I want you should sing det song about Guantanamo - you know, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just One Ton Mierda, One Ton Mierda, Bush is just one ton mierda..." "Oooh - that is so spiritual! Mierda is Spanish for organic fertilizer, you know, and that is the lifestream of Mother Earth..." "Yes, det's right - mit dreck you fertilize a Bush, oichet a Shrub!" "Ohhh...holy leader, lifeblood of my entire being, I thank you every day that I am alive.."

And of course the Admou"r was so thankful to his new Rebbetzin that he promptly signed both of her surnames up on his new randomizer program, so that welfare and similar cheques would now be issued to Latonya Spirochete Prunepit, Latrine McCall, Lilac Blossom Wercberger, Prunepit Fekete, and who knows what other permutations of the honored surname Prunepit-McCall and the floral honorific that preceded it.

"Now, I make to you levitate and you imagine det you is in Gitmo. I want you should keep singink One Ton Mierda": said the Admou'r as he hoisted Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom onto her own petard using a crane and winch stolen from the InSanE Francisco Parks Department. "Dis is a crane what I liberated from der imperialist Parkink Department, you know, so it is a thing of much holiness! When you up there, I want you should take your spetzialer meditzin, NOT der veed killer, but der psikedelikatessen blotter paper stuff, and keep sayink numbers!"

"Anything to get rid of the Zionist Imperialist Bushwhack Occupation Forces at Guantanamo, my holy leader"

"OK, up, up in der erd, I mean de air - you go. Now keep sayink numbers!"

A barrage of nonsense began to be heard from the now airborne Rebbetzin, while her husband and master clicked on some magic keys on his brand new Zionist Occupationalist Dell laptop, equipped with the latest in identity theft software from Russia and Nigeria.

"Ve did to it! Now I want you should come down and do a little typink so we finish der job!"

"But I am so disappointed! You know it is discrimination and not politically correct for a man to ask a woman to do typing!"

"Yes, I understend from dis. But I am not spellink too good and my hends is tiret. Wait, you know, I ken do dis:"

And the Admou"r hacked into the US DoD system at Guantanamo, adding Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall and eleven children as dependents of each prisoner incarcerated there, ten times over. Meanwhile, in Creedmoor East Coast, his latest loyal gabbai, Dr Wakshmad Tattimurthy, read each computer file, printed it out, and couriered it to his moles in various welfare offices.

The conquest of Guantanamo was complete, and not a single shot was fired. For her valor in this effort, Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall received 100 pounds of "Super Mehadrin Magic" dried mushrooms, under the strict supervision of the Chevras Narronim d'Creedmoor. And under her bed of straw and feathers was a whole yard of her favorite blotter paper, lovingly emblazoned, in calligraphic style, with the initials L-S-D.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Red Buttons

"Irving had a candy store business was so bad.
He asked his wife what to do and this is what she said.
Take a can of kerosene spill it on the floor.
Take a match give a scratch
NO MORE Candy Store !!"

Aaron Chwiat a/k/a Red Buttons, one of the many inspirations for Creedmoor. yehei zichro baruch.

The Admou"r is too busy with his planned Gitmo campaign to burn down a building or two in his memory.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Creedmoor Crackhead Special Forces Squads Invade Guantanamo Bay!

We have just been informed that Creedmoorer crackheaded special forces troops are attempting to invade and conquer Guantanamo Bay as they recently conquered Alcatraz.

It is well known that the Admou"r meCreedmoor believes that any attempt to sign convicts up for welfare and food stamps is a milchemes mitzvah which supersedes (the Zionist) Shabbos - however the earliest we will be able to update this blog is midnight motzoei shabbos EST.

Friday, July 07, 2006

New Address for Blog

While the old address will continue to work, we also have an easier to remember new address -

And watch out for a major update before 17 Tammuz - a full directory of major personalities and moisdois for both Creedmoor and "Adas Machloikes - K'hal Mishkav Zichroinois d'Alcatraz!"

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Please to take der Creedmoorer Kviz

Are you a shygetz? a Tzioini? Or are you one of the 80 (pay) tzaddikim upon whom the oilem goilem rests?

Click on the above link, take the test and see. It won't cost you a single foodshtempele!

Monday, June 26, 2006

The New Neturei Karta Fight Song (with thanks to Monty Python)

The clowns of todays Neturei Karta have about as much right to Reb Amram Bloy's "Hashem Hi Malyknee" as I do to claim authorship of the Star Spangled Banner.

So, I have done the tremendous chessed of writing a new song for today's NK - and I will not even charge them for the favor:

Dedicated to the 6 1/2 brave men of Monsey who stand outside and show their love for all seven Jews who actually agree with them:

My name's Moisheleh from the NK
I scream all night and most of the day
(His name's Moisheleh from the NK
He screams all night and most of the day)

I meet with terrorists, I fight with Jews
I go to meet with Hamas
Sometimes I get on Iranian TV
Cause Mahmoud's my real boss!

I mourn for Yasser, I burn the flag
I love to wear a checkered scarf
And when little kids see me
They say I make them barf

I'd die for Mahmoud cause he's so cool
And neo-Nazis are really my thing
Cause every month I get a nice fat check
From the Saudi King!

I go to Iran, I wear a furry shtreimel,
High heels, and a dress
So why does everyone say
That I am such a mess?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Der Admou"r moves to Alcatraz

The bureaucrat at the Federal Department of Corrections, your typical Affirmative Action hire with roots on some slaveholder's plantation in Mississippi, could not believe what he was reading. Of course, he could barely read the letter, which began: "I, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman Goldman, hereby am konfessing det I am fraudmaching every day 898522448522 welfare chekkelach fin der Government of der United States fin Americhke of which I is no longer a subjekt, having declared independence mayn Republik fin Creedmoor a yohr tzurik. I am volunterily returnink to you tzen hinnert fin mayn chekelach for exchange a sentence and title deed fin der greatest of all prizzens, Elkatraz."

"Betweena, look at dis, sista! Dis Jew rabbi wanna go to Alkatraz!" Yes, this bureaucrat's supervisor's name really was Betweena Rock, and the story went that when a passing motorist saw an abandoned baby left alongside a boulder located a stone's throw from an interstate highway in Florida, he left her at the hospital, saying only that "I found her between a rock and a hard place!"

"Alkatraz? Man, you be crazy! Dat place be closed for yeers!" "No, he be crazy! Dis letter be comin' from Creeeeeeedmooor, over dere in Noo Jack City!"

"Well. dere ain't much we can do wid no prizzoners from Creedmoor kuz you'z gotta be crazy to live dere, an' no way we can get no confesshun outa no crazy man! Trow dat letter in da garbage, man, and less go take anudder break!"

"OK, sissa!"

However, the two bunglers were, as always, completely incompetent. Of course, they did not read the entire letter. It ended as follows: "If you mach nisht kyne enser to me immediate, I go anyway to Elkatraz and conker it for myne Independent Republik!"

By this time, everyone in Creedmoor was well aware that the Admou"r was in no way a legitimate psychiatric patient, and that his antics were designed only to allow him to commit Federal, State and municipal crimes on a level unheard of in the annals of such misdeeds. So, he was not restrained anymore, but rather free to leave the premises via a hole in the fence of his "Kiryas Naye Creedmoor," a/k/a the former recreation area of D-ward.

So, dressed as usual in a tinfoil bekeshe and shtreimel, the Admou"r was whisked to a limousine that originated from a printing press in Rego Park that might have well been renamed "Three Dollar Bill's Printing," and registered to "Va'ad Hanarronim d'Creedmoor, Rego Park Branch." All of a sudden, the bekeshe was replaced by an Armani suit, and the Admou"r took a first class seat on a flight to San Francisco.

Upon his arrival, he was met by yet another limousine, registered to "California Friends of Creedmoor," which was stocked with no fewer than twelve forty pound bags of a substance sold at many garden stores and referred to politely as "organic fertlizer." Of course, this is the very foundation of Creedmoor, and the Admou"r, now once again dressed in tin foil, was very pleased to be traveling with it in his limo.

And above Alcatraz Island, a helicopter was dumping loads of the same substance onto the island, with notices that Alcatraz was about to be occupied by the Creedmoor Liberation Front, an anarchist group that does not recognize the sovereignty of the United States of America over Alcatraz.

Now, San Francisco is a very liberal minded place, and anarchy is often a cause of the week there. So, when the tour guides who now populate Alcatraz smelled the fertilizer and saw the leaflets, they were immediately sympathetic as they figured an environmentalist-anarchist protest group was taking over the island.

So, their leader, Lilac Blossom Prunepit-McCall, the daughter of 60's protesters who raised her on a commune not far from Haight-Ashbury, decided to surrender to the Creedmoor forces, and she simply left the keys on her desk and the door to her office wide open.

And the Admou"r arrived on the island bearing yet more manure, which he spread around the office so as to pass once again for an escaped mental patient. He also busted open the safe and removed cash paid by tourists who had come to see the former prison.

But now, the gates to the prison would read "Velkom tzi Elkatraz! Mir accepten food shtempelach and Creedmoor gelt! Shacharis 6.30 PM, Mincha 8.30 PM, Maariv iz a Tzioini plot and is ossur here!" "Velfare Office to your Right! Skedule a Yechidis on your Left (never mind that the sign pointed to a Porta-Potti; the Admou"r's plans were far past the level of simple phony rebbeschaft and actually included the construction of a large duty free shopping mall and money laundry, now that Alcatraz was no longer US property but rather belonged to the Republik fin Independent Creedmoor)."

But first and foremost, a box from a major computer company had to be opened; it contained a state of the art server hooked up to a brand new laser printer. And it took the Admou'r's expert team little time to insert the Photoshop graphic used to print the famous currency of Creedmoor - the food shtempele, in 3, 7, 11, 2658, and 89625 shtemp denominations, now bearing the legend "Elkatrez Is Ours!"

Meanwhile, back in Washington DC, experts were stymied. There was little that could be done when a certified mental patient, whose Independent Republic had just been given a "Destroyers of Zionism" award by the Islamic Republic of Iran, took over a prison to which he should have been sentenced in any case given his massive fraud schemes.

And to celebrate, the Admou"r invited two of his best friends for yechidus. Their names are Moshe Aryeh Friedman and his dear partner in removing Israel from the map with a Ginsu knife, the one and only Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

New Creedmoor Suspended out of Respect to Late Satmarer Rov

We have received word that the Admou"r meCreedmoor has voluntarily sentenced himself to Alcatraz in what is probably the scam of the millenium. However, we will break this news to you only after the shiva for the Satmarer Rov, Harav Moshe ben Chaim Tzvi Teitelbaum, has ended.

Unfortunately, many believe that Creedmoor is a parody of Satmar. While it most certainly is not, the fact that people think it is so means that it is only right that I suspend publication until the shiva is over.

We will return next Monday night with full details of the reopening of Alcatraz for the Admou'r meCreedmoor.

Baruch Dayan Hoemes.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Creedmoorer Book Chapter 2 (part 1)

Randolph and Sylvia Goldman were a typical upper middle class Canadian Jewish couple, but for one thing - they had been married fifteen years and had no children. While their lives were complete in many ways, Randolph's family had been decimated by the Shoah and for that reason alone, the successful real estate developer and his wife wanted to have at least one child.

So, they turned to a number of adoption agencies, including a handful in Mrs Goldman's native New York, with a request for a Jewish child, up to three years old. The affluent, stable couple had no problem qualifying as an adoptive family, but Jewish children were hard to come by, especially as some Jewish birth mothers did not realize their child was Jewish no matter the origins of the father.

But this mattered little in the end, for the Goldmans received a call from Jewish Family Services regarding David, a two year old boy who had been taken from his Chassidic parents when his father was sentenced to a ten year term in prison for gross fraud, and when his mother, who could not take the disgrace and shame (and who was actually involved in the numerous schemes herself) either lost her mind or feigned insanity and was committed to the Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in Queens.....(more to come shortly).

950 "Patients" Die in Creedmoor in a Two Week Period

Doctors were alarmed at reports of the death of 950 patients in the Long Term Care section of Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital over the past two weeks. However, concern quickly turned to outrage as the deaths were traced to phantom patients created by Creedmoor's most notorious long term patient, self ordained Rabbi Dovid Goldman-Schmoigerman of the now vacant D-ward. Said patients were created by the "Admou"r meCreedmoor," who is recognized by the EU, North Korea, Cuba and Taliban controlled sections of Afghanistan as an independent head of state and is therefore immune to prosecution, in order to collect life insurance from as many as eleven international insurers.

Dr Cornelius Mee-fong Xia, the latest in a string of foreign born medical directors to disgrace the financially strapped and largely vacant hospital, was dismissed for his role in the "Admou"r meCreedmoor"'s latest scam - namely placing multiple life insurance policies on nonexistent patients, including at least three deceased members of the British royal family, and then declaring the patients dead so that his charitable foundation "Chessed Atzmai," could benefit from as much as eight million dollars in insurance benefits paid to the survivors of each patient.

At first, the Center for Disease Control was involved as Dr Xia reported 950 deaths in D-ward due to what he claimed was an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease. However, in reality, the disgraced physician was reporting "Regional Disease," which sounds like Legionnaire's Disease when said with an Oriental accent.

"Yes, I say they have regional disease. Whole region of hospital go sick and die. " Such was the intelligible portion of Dr Xia's response to Federal investigators who arrived on the scene. However, suspicions were aroused when it was clear that the ward was not meant to hold even one fifth of the 950 patients reported dead.

What was discovered was a man wearing an orange jumpsuit and a tin foil hat, frantically filling out insurance claims forms, each of which were passed on to Xia for verification. Names on these certificates included Elvis Presley, Diana Spencer and Mary, Queen of Scots.

"Well, at least now we can be sure Elvis is dead," said John Worthington, the Federal investigator who discovered the major discrepancies. "Pity there is no death penalty for gross fraud, because these two offenders certainly deserve it. Actually, though, who knows who they would send to the chair in their place, and how many insurance policies they have on him."

Dr Xia was paid 200 pounds of fine rice for his role in the scam, and faces deportation proceedings. Schmoigerman has apparently collected anywhere from three to eight million dollars per patient reported dead, and due to his US status as an incurably insane chief of a Native American tribe, and his UN approved status as the head of an independent anti-Zionist country, he is immune from prosecution.

However, he has apologized for his misdeeds and has made restitution to the insurance companies in question - using checks drawn and certified on his own central bank, which is not even recognized by the Brotherhood of Nigerian Advance Fee Scammers.

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Creedmoor Book - Prologue

(This will be moved to a separate blog but for now I do not have time to set one up and promote it, so enjoy Chapter 1 here).

It was the day before Shushan Purim in Yerushalayim. And for one Persian Jew named Mordechai, it was a day for reflection rather than for preparing to celebrate. For that Jew, Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek, was approaching his 97th birthday, and he could never be sure that this would not be his last Purim.

So the retired neurologist walked slowly along the streets near his beloved Machaneh Yehuda market, where he enjoyed chatting in Farsi with some of the veteran vendors, as they traded stories of their native land and asked him for medical advice. Some even remembered the name Manouchehr Kohentzedek from the idyllic days of the last Shah, when the good doctor, the son of a wealthy merchant whose father sent him to England to study medicine, was renowned as the best doctor in all of Teheran, and was said to be the doctor whom the Shah trusted for his own family. But in 1977, Dr Kohentzedek and his wife Shireen (Shulamit) had seen the handwriting on the wall, and like the handwriting on another wall in Persia many years hence, they knew their days were numbered if they stayed in Iran. And despite their advanced age and lack of children, the doctor and his architect wife were still strong and alert when the Islamic Republic was born, so they boarded a jet liner to Canada while they still could, having fortunately transfered their substantial assets to Switzerland and Israel over the months before their departure.

And in Canada, Dr Kohentzedek settled down to work at a major hospital attached to the University of Manitoba, where he could enjoy seeing patients as he did every day in Iran, from dawn to dusk. He barely even remembered to cash his provincial health system paycheck, and when he did, it often went straight to help those less fortunate than he.

For in leaving Iran, he had found Torah, and that is what led him to examine a young, not particularly earnest baal tshuva by the name of Dovid Goldman. Even now that he was retired and living in Israel, and no longer officially practicing medicine, he could not get Dovid out of his mind.

It was to this Dovid Goldman that his thoughts were turning this chilly morning in Adar as he walked the stalls of Machaneh Yehuda, looking for Fairouz, and, Baruch, his stall was Beit Yosef now and it was the only place the doctor himself ever bought any food...and Behrouz, who he remembered from the bazaar in Teheran.

"Was I right to have Dovid committed to that Creedmoor place in New York? Was he really mentally incompetent? Or was he the biggest scam artist to ever surface in Winnipeg?"

Suddenly, his reveries were interrupted by a familiar face. "Excuse me, is your name Weinberg by any chance? Is your father a doctor named Michael, and your mother also a doctor, I think her name was Chana but sometimes they called her Annette - she was from Beirut or somewhere like that?" This was the question that the ancient little wraith of a man, whose voice and mind were far less worn than his fragile cane-supported body, posed to a strong young man with dark features who was shopping for nuts and cake at the stall of Rahamim, another confidante of the doctor from his Teheran days. "You look so familiar - you must be their son...can you call your father please and tell him that Mordechai Kohentzedek from Winnipeg is here?"

"Yes - my name is Avi Weinberg and my parents are Michael and Chana - we came here last year - my father retired and is opening a clinic here! Sure, I will call - how did you know my father?"

"He was the medical director of Creedmoor, and we were in touch because I sent him a patient who was referred to me by Haham Kalman, my rabbi - he was a US citizen, this poor boy, and he needed to be committed, this Dovid!"

"Dovid Goldman? My father used to tell us stories about him! I know it is Purim - but when my father tells you what happened to him in Creedmoor, it is true."

Avi called his father, and quickly passed the Nokia mobile to his old acquaintance:

"Michael, do you remember me? Mordy Kohentzedek, you used to call me Mottel Katz all the time - I sent Dovid'l over to Creedmoor 25 years ago!"

"Baruch...mechoye hameysim...Baruch, mehaye hameytim!" - the two retired physicians made the customary blessing that one makes when reunited with separated acquaintances, and then Dr Weinberg answered: "How can I forget! Dovid was the true American success story - came in as an inmate and ended up buying the place! He was so much fun over the years, even if he costs the government the same as 6 months of military aid to Israel! Now, you must come to me in Har Nof - Avi will take you home with him! You must spend Purin with us tomorrow - stay over tonight - we have plenty of room!" And Dr Kohentzedek asked Avi to help him pick up no less than a case each of arak and Chivas Regal from the wine shop in Machaneh Yehuda - it would be a very happy Purim indeed at the Weinberg residence, transplanted this very year from Woodmere to Har Nof.

Many miles away in a suburban development outside of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, Rabbi Kalman Berkowitz had finished davening Shacharis and was opening his mail. In it were, baruch Hashem, two cheques. One was accompanied by a letter in a handwriting that was so Middle Eastern that if the rabbi had not been receiving letters like this for 29 years, he would have called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to report possible terrorism. The note explained that as the donor was getting older and had no heirs, he wanted to advance a substantial part of his estate to the Winnipeg House of Tradition at this time. The cheque, certified by Israel Discount Bank on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem, was for a fine sum of six figure size. The letter promised four more such cheques over the year, and noted that a third of its payor's estate was left to the synagogue.

But before the rabbi even had a chance to call his donor in Yerushalayim, he nearly fell off his chair and risked severe injury to his back, which he had injured many years before, as a soldier in the Israeli Army reserves before he was called upon to become a soldier in his Rebbe's Army in Winnipeg. That was because the second cheque was drawn on "The National and International Reserve Bank of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor" and was made out for the sum of 8,387,987,423,005 food stamps!

"Malky! Come see these! Boruch Hashem, we are finally set! We can finally begin building the new shul! And what's more, I will have the greatest Purim story of ANY House of Tradition rabbi ANYWHERE - just LOOK at this second cheque! Just in time for the seuda tonight - but I better not have done anything to my back when I fell off the chair or I'll have to take medicine instead of drink!"

"OY! Goldman - or is it Schmoigerman now - has really outdone himself! He just used to send forged food stamps - remember that!" Mrs Malky Berkowitz could barely restrain tears of laughter when she saw the bank document. And her joy was even more marked when she saw the letter and cheque from Dr Mordechai Kohentzedek in Yerushalayim.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

An Uncut Interview with Lipa Schmelczer..

Here it is - the uncut interview with Lipa Schmelczer :).
Conducted by Reb Moishe Schtussschreiber of Talbieh, Yerushalayim:

RMS: Lipa, can you tell us a little about the school you went to?

Lipa: Ich hob gelernt in reform school.

RMS: A Reform day school chalila?

Lipa: No, a school for boys who do schlechter maaises.

RMS: OH, OK, please watch your language. R--orm is a bad word that we do not use in this family publication. Besser you should call it State Mesivto.

Lipa: No, not state mesivto. S'iz geven state Yeshiva Ketono!

RMS: How old were you when you were sent there?

Lipa: Tzen.

RMS: What did you do?

Lipa: Ich hob geganvet my father's a car and I drive it straight into the school buildink because mayn teacher says by mayn father det ich bin a hopeless fool.

RMS: Hmmm...and you did everything possible to prove he was right?

Lipa: Yoh.

RMS: What was your first job?

Lipa: Job? I was and am a very matzliachdike businessman.

RMS: Zug eppes

Lipa: Sure. When I was 13 I got thrown out from the state Yeshiva Ketono and den I mach how do you say, a gute gescheft..

RMS: In your case, I would say a major scam...

Lipa: Vus ment a skem?

RMS: Doing things bemirmo - cheating people - the way you muscled "Asher Yotzor" onto the record store shelves after Sano paid you millions to record it for Israeli radio....

Lipa: Well, enyway, I mach a deal mitten tznius patrol. Everyone I turn in, I gets a 20 dollar gift. So I gye tzi girls and I cut skirts, how do you say it, I mach a slit?

RMS: Yes, a slit is a cut in a skirt. Don't confuse it with that other word that people use to describe your "Lipa and Britney Live" album.

Lipa: So enyvey, I mach a slit in all the skirts far'n mydlach when they nisht at home end even I get my sister she should go up to the mydlach and cut their skirts.

RMS: How old was your sister?

Lipa: Det would have been my youngest shvester, Cholerye. She was maybe 4 - how I should know - every year my mother mach another kind she should get nuch a check far'n welfare....

RMS: So what happened?

Lipa: The mydlach would walk around in skirts mitten 3 slits - one in back, one in side, one in ander side..

RMS: And you would get 20 dollars for every one you turned in?

Lipa: Yoh. We did it in gantz Monsey and den oichet in Williamsburk.

RMS: And how did it all end?

Lipa: I got greedy and did it to myne own shvester! Det was Yachne - she is elter far mir end she is married to a koilel yungerman...

RMS: State or Federal?

Lipa: From both she gets checks while he sits end learns - learns how to trade stocks mitout gelt, learns how to get payments far'n insurance far bildinks he owns nisht...

RMS: A fine man! Anyway, what happened with teh patrol and Yachne?

Lipa: I mach a slit in her skirt. Mayn mame, she should rot and be well, she sees it and she freg by Yachne what goes on. Yachne she tell "Lipa hot getin dos." Mame looks et her skirts in de zelber zach. She call tzi myne aunt and myne aunt say her tochter have azoy a skirt and some yingele go to her and make her pay 30 tollar he shouldn't tell the mishmeres hatznius end he does it anyway...

RMS: And that was you?

Lipa: Of course!

RMS: So what did you do with the gelt?

Lipa: I make a songs elbum called "A Pachad A Shrek, Lipa Sings Mamesh Dreck" end I muscle it into all der stores - I say you take dis or I go tell the malchis you don't pay no taxes end den I burn down to your store and I get der insurance and nisht dir!

RMS: And how many copies did you sell?

Lipa: Sell oder deliver?

RMS: Sell - to real customers..

Lipa: 2 maybe - maybe Segal got one too for free det make 3. But tzi dem stores I sold 200,000 for kesh - 10 tolar an elbum - you figure det one out...

RMS: Sounds like a gitte gescheft...

Lipa: Sure. And now I make der Asher Yotzor single. Ich vais nisht who is Sano but der name sounds git. So I make the album and ich zug tzu Sano - look, I play dis one and no one buys your garbage. Eppes you pay me a hinnert tousent tolar det's it - I berry der song...

RMS: Did they?

Lipa: Nyn. I go den and I do my usual - I play it all over Old Squaresville end everyone laughs. So I go do mine anderer shtick end get it into the bookstores end der music shops...

RMS: So, what is your next project?

Lipa: I think I mach a naye elbum called K-Lipa - you know, like klipa - end I make songs mit bed words. Dis one I play for der rabbonim, dey put it in chyrem -and everyone wants to buy it! Dis time I'll get myne gelt end not have to make no gescheft because once der elbum is in chyrem allemen want 2 copies. Dis one I use bed words in Aynglish too so der shkootzim ken understend - now I make my gescheft again but mit Tower Records end Like a Virgin Superstore.....

RMS: It was a real pleasure to speak to you. You are a real role model for our youth as well as a truly talented performer. With your talent you should go far - how far is it from New Square to Leavenworth...

Friday, January 20, 2006

Look out for the Creedmoorer Book!

Due to the launch of Frumspace, I have less and less time to keep this blog going. However, do not fear:

1) There will be occasional audio Creedmoor skits starting Monday on Frumspace Radio, temporarily housed at and now featuring the best mix of Jewish music available on the Net.

2) There are constant Creedmoor posts on

3) Look out for a sister blog - The Creedmoorer Book - the definitive life and times of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, rosh verishoina lekol dovor shebegezel vemirmo, bishas hador veklimasoi! IYH (im yikne hashish) this will start within the next couple of days with a new chapter coming every 2 or 3 weeks.

4) I am not closing the blog by any means and hope to update it every couple of weeks.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

We apologize for some factual errors

Apparently, the infamous Moshe Aryeh Friedman managed to deceive our trained staff of researchers, and therefore we regret we printed our interview without further research.

Indeed, we have found the following errors:

1) Erev Rov Friedman's biological father is not in prison. He is alive and well in Kosovo, where he sells spent ammunition shells and defective warheads to any and all factions. Instead of a summons to the Hague, Mr Gabel Mutgabelaj has received an invitation to the Pasteur Institute in France, where they are presently researching nerve function in severely mentally challenged subjects.

2) Friedman was not kept alive with three nine volt batteries and a bell transformer. He was in fact kept alive with one non-alkaline AAA cell and a toy car motor, which was implanted inside his skull. He of course claims it is a radio receiver with which he receives instructions from his handlers in Gaza and Austria.

3) Friedman's adoptive father was actually the rosh yeshiva whom he called Feherszar and whose real name is Yankel Friedman. Feherszar is what he was called in the mikveh. Rabbi Friedman's first wife passed away riddled with guilt for insisting upon adopting Moshe Aryeh; his second wife is best described as a tzadekes who still brings a saucer of milk and a small dish of galereta (Moshe Arye is a shoiteh and is not obligated to separate basar vecholov) to her husband's undersized adoptive son.

4) Moshe Arye Friedman and his partner in crime Moshe Hirsch also blame the Armenian massacre on the proclamation of the Zionist entity. Never mind that the massacre took place 30 years before 1948.

Based upon the above, Erev Rov Friedman meets the high standard set by Der Shygetz for journalistic ethics. Therefore, we have asked Erev Rov Friedman to write an occasional news analysis piece here. He will soon oblige.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Nuch A Creedmoorer Auction!

You want eppes a Pulsa Denura on your enemy? - starting at just one cent!

Der Shygetz introduces Der Goy

Der Shygetz, the official newspaper of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin, is proud to introduce a new glossy monthly - Der Goy.

Subscribe to Der Goy to find out just who in your community was beaten up by the Tznius Patrol and why. Learn about your favorite Jewish music performer's latest hot girlfriend! Follow the latest machloikes in every community from Argentina to Zaire!

And we also include our Supplement for Women - Der Cholerye. Only Der Cholerye offers tips on how to enjoy yourself the old fashioned way when you are a niddah - after all you don't really believe that your husband is at a late night shiur 2 weeks out of every month! And this month we present a special article for shviggers - How to Detect Poison in Shabbos Cholent!

So, accept no substitutes! Subscribe to Der Goy now by posting your credit card number in the Comments section so every Nigerian Cialis salesman can use it and remit a commission to me! Your chelek in oilam haba is guaranteed to disappear every time you so much as open an issue of Der Goy!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Creedmoor Returns Tomorrow

As fast days are considered particularly auspicious times in Creedmoor, we will resume activity tomorrow 10 Teves, as we have finally obtained the red schmaltzherrink of a prospectus from the Creedmoor Widows and Orphans Retirement Annuity Fund.