Monday, May 31, 2010

Confirmed: Three Rafts Sunk off Atlantic Coast


The Creedmoorer community mourns the loss of over 300,000 of its members, whose very existence has been confirmed by the Department of Health and Human Services of the Great Satan and by the European Union Department for the Support of International Terror, after the rafts on which they were traveling to Gaza were sunk by a pleasure craft three miles from Jones Beach.

The CSS "Moldy Kokosh Cake", the CSS "Putrid Galle" and the CSS "Rancid Herring" were confirmed sunk today with all passengers presumed lost. Insurance adjusters have arrived on the scene and are attempting to recover remains so that the organization which sent out the flotilla on behalf of its Saudi and Iranian handlers can be compensated for the immense loss of its finest multiple personalities.

Cleanup costs are expected to rival that of a large family Memorial Day picnic; the cost to the insurance companies involved is expected to be so high that Congress will be compelled to provide them with bailout funds if they are not acquired outright by Saudi interests.

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has declared today Memorial Day as well, and is hosting a picnic and bonfire in memory of the casualties. The bonfire includes the burning of a Zionist flag in an empty warehouse complex perhaps 1000 yards from Jones Beach, and last used for storing "Magefa Pareve Petroleum Schmaltz", a product made from Saudi crude to fulfill the strict dietary regulations of Creedmoorer chassidim. It is also a known accelerant that has been found on the premises of many vacant properties insured to the Schmoigerman family and its various charitable organizations.

Fourteen rafts are still at large and are expected to sink within the hour as each one is loaded with nearly 1000 pounds of counterfeiting supplies. Insurance adjusters are remaining in the area until the sinking has been completed.

Creedmoor Sends "Freedom Flotilla" to Fight Zionist Entity


It has been confirmed that another "Freedom Flotilla" is on its way to Gaza. Seventeen inflatable rafts, each one stuffed with phony EBT cards as well as dies and printing material to manufacture US dollar bills in "custom denominations" are being floated from Jones Beach to Gaza, with no fewer than 100,000 multiple personalities of the Admou"r on board each raft. The cards are meant for the brave fighters of Hamas sleeper cells who can print the bills and use the card numbers for purchases in Arab groceries from Brooklyn to Dearborn.

Our sources confirm that the rafts, like the scam behind them, are not seaworthy and are expected to be picked up by passing garbage barges.

However, we have confirmed that each multiple personality has already been issued a New York City death certificate to match the name on its raft of life insurance policies, all payable to "The Schmoigerman Fund for the Increase of Baseless Hatred and the Destruction of the Zionist Entity Speedily and In Our Time".

In addition, a brochure is now being printed which implores "rachmoonim bnei rachmoonim" to donate to the yesoimim and almanois of these brave "marbitzei haTzioinim" who gave their lives to fight the tzionishe koifrim in the medine. The brochure will be distributed throughout haimishe Brooklyn by "Scheiss and Dreck Distribution" a branch of the Monsey Islamic Coalition of Saddle River Road.

It is believed that the EU will be the main donor to this cause, followed by Saudi Arabia, Iran, and now Turkey.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

We will be back


We have not forgotten you and we will be back sometime later in the summer when the Admou"r returns from his latest vacation to some very secluded and hot location.

Monday, May 17, 2010


"On these days of mourning and destruction, we lament the giving of the Torah to the Tzioinish koifrim, who violate all that is sacred to us as Chassidim of Creedmoor by living according to its commandments.

Six days of work are expressly forbidden, as work is a Tzioinish concept. It is recumbent upon us to cash welfare cheques seven days a week, at no less than seventy cents on the dollar!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Admou"r is Fasting on Shavuos!!!


In protest at the giving of the Torah, which the Admou"r views as a subversive Zionist document, Creedmoor and its affiliates will be fasting for two days while the tzioinim are celebrating matan Torah.

More tomorrow as the Admou"r's lunacy develops even further.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

CONFIRMED: Bin Laden is in Creedmoor!


The production staff of Good Morning America often fields and dismisses unusual calls, but they were shocked to receive a call from a woman who identified herself as "Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN" and who claimed being located in Alcatraz.

The call transcript is as follows:

LBPMS: "Bin Laden is not in Washington DC. He is in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, in the D-ward, and he's been there since 1984."

Operator: "Could you please repeat this? And what is your name and where are you calling from?"

LBPMS: My name is Lilac Blossom Prunepit Mc-Call-SchmoigerWOMAN and I am the holy Rebbetzin of the Holiest of Holies, the Sweetest of the Sweet, the Highest Expense Account of the Highest Expense Account, the Grand Rabbi of 150 Quintillion Souls, Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman of Creedmoor. I am his West Coast Rebbetzin and I process his donations from around the world.."

Operator: And where are you calling from?

LBPMS: Alcatraz, the Holy Land of our Community, which we have liberated from the forces of capitalist greed which sully the environment daily.

Operator: And where do you say Bin Laden is?

LBPMS: He is with my husband in Creedmoor. I just received eight donations for "Osama Moskowitz Bin Laden" from New York, New Jersey, Tennessee, South Carolina, Wyoming, Connecticut, Idaho and Quebec on his behalf via Electronic Transfer.

Operator: Thank you but I don't understand...

And at this point, his East Coast Rebbetzin cut in:

"Tell that Greek guy and that ugly Iranian that Bin Laden davens in my husband's shul and my husband takes his welfare cheques and cashes them for him as a favor.."

Operator: Please stay on the line. Help is on its way....

And with that, a social worker arrived at both Rebbetzins' residences and, after deciding that each one clearly needed extra assistance, 150000 emergency benefits transfers were made to each of the 100 or so personalities registered under each Rebbetzin's social security number (which exactly matched that of a certain Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman).

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

In Mourning: Schmoigerman Sits Motionless on Lawn; Tears Welfare Cheques


We have been informed by our usual spurious and fictitious sources that our beloved and benighted Admou"r, Dovid Schmoigerman, is in a state of deep depression L"A as a result of the much belated passing of his teacher, Moishe Hirsch of Ohel Hagar "Nutter Kartel" in Al-Qods.

The Admou"r has been spotted wearing a completely intact yellow garbage bag as he sits on the front lawn of his D-ward yeshiva and shil complex, listlessly tearing welfare cheques that he would normally cash for 60 cents on the dollar with one of his Pakistani hawala transfer agents in Midwood.

The cheques are invariably made out to deceased or incarcerated recipients and are dated as far back as 1976, which can only be expected as the Schmoigerman multi quintillion soul welfare enterprise has been funded via EBT and not cheque for the last decade or so.

It is believed that Schmoigerman will claim back welfare and SSI for these departed and depraved ones, as well as attempt to collect additional SSI and prescriptions for saleable prescription anti-depressants to treat his own hopelessly depressed 150 quintillion personalities, who are all moaning to one another and crying over the departure to the subterranean hot springs of the one and only Moussa as-Sabih, better known as Moishe Hirsch, former Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Authority and confidante of the late Yasser Arafat YMS.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

"A Gitte Sryfe far Lag B'Oimer" -


"While we at Creedmoor do not celebrate the tzionish holiday of Lag BeOimer, and we consider Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai a tzioni because he did not surrender to the Romans or better yet visit Rome, we do accept that today is an auspicious day for a gitte sryfe because you can always blame the fire on the Zionists.

We recommend that you purchase property in the vicinity of a shul, yeshiva or other tzionish moisad today, using the hyliger method of the flip where you put down a deposit so you can sell the worthless property on to a real sucker.

You then transfer the entity to some phoney religious corporation such as "The Community of Strife and Baseless Hatred of The Budapest Subway System May It Be Rebuilt in Our Days" and make sure to buy insurance for your now tax exempt property.

Then, burn one Zionist flag soaked in kerosene per square meter (we DO NOT use yards as this is a Zionist measurement and the only yards we care about are old scrapyards and shipyards that we can set to blazes) in the shell of the property and document the fire.

Now that your property is a house of worship, you simply claim that you burned it down as part of a religious ceremony, namely burning the tzioinish flag on Lag BeOimer in solidarity with the Palestinians and Neturei Karta who are oppressed minorities.

Finally, not only should you claim insurance but you should apply for a bailout from the great friend of the oppressed minorities, Rabbynee Barack Hussein Obama. To get this, show how many low income tenants you had living on the property (remember every rat counts as 2 mice and every mouse as 10 roaches) and how much you are doing for diversity in Brooklyn or Queens or wherever your property was located.

Then, promise me, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, 90% and ACORN 120%. This is a guaranteed segile to avoid prosecution.."