Friday, October 30, 2009

Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul


Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Coming on Friday...The Kingdom of Toracinia


Forget Don Quixote del Toboso, or is it Dulcinea del Toboso. Meet El Rey de los Reyes Melech Malchei Hamelachim Vital Haim de Menubal de Toracinia....

"He found exactly what he was looking for when, thrown out of his house yet again by his mother in law, he went off for a long ride on his purloined steed Hamor, reaching a rocky outcrop claimed by no one and inhabited only by a flock of birds. This outcrop and the surrounding few hectares would become the Kingdom of Toracinia, consisting only of a palace and a mint which produced coinage bearing the emblem of the de Menubal de Toracinia dynasty......a squirrel feeding on acorns and the infamous "pan de kokosh", as the vile and deplorable de Menubal stock in bakery trade was now called..."

"Knowing that he risked execution for his many financial shenanigans and sale of adulterated foodstuffs, he often feigned insanity in public. de Menubal claimed he moved his family to the foreboding rocky lands in order to harvest the famous flora de Toracinia that was known to help in cases of extreme madness.............."

Monday, October 26, 2009

The True Beginnings of the Schmoigerman Scammer Dynasty - Don Vital Haim de Menubal part 2


The enterprising and thoroughly corrupt Hymie would soon find a new use for his mentor Du'ecq's "la barata". He found out that a concentrated solution of Du'ecq's adulterated wine vinegar would soften wood, enabling him to change the inscriptions on the famous wooden alms entitlement cards that were his family's stock in trade ever since they arrived in Spain from Eretz Yisroel.

So, he began to issue his own cards and then to soften them, change the inscriptions on them, and resell them after one mark after another purchased them from him at 80 or 90 per cent of face value and found themselves essentially paying 150 per cent more for staples at the market as the counterfeit cards only entitled the bearer to a small and basic food ration. The rest of the ration was indeed paid for by the community, and went to none other than Hymie himself.

In addition, Hymie would augment his income by running what became known as "la juega de Sheketz Arroz," the infested rice game. He would lend one particular market stallholder money at exorbitant interest, and send thugs to mark all of his dried goods with the damning phrase "Sheketz Arroz" - "an abomination in the rice". This meant that the goods were not kosher, and that most gentiles would reject them as well due to insect infestation. Miraculously, a Menubal agent would appear at the stand with a wagon load of "BaDaTz Sefarad Mehadrin" grains, certified with a barely visible kosher seal, of course by none other than "Haham Vital Haim de Menubal". Never mind that such a certification was not even worth the material used in manufacturing the seal; most women in Spain were illiterate and had no idea what the seal meant. Indeed, consumers believed that the grains were special and therefore willing to pay three times the price of regular grain.

Soon enough, Hymie Nebela became a wholesale grain trader, or more accurately a wholesale fraudster of the first order. He invented a new measure called the "sharp ton" (tonna acuta), which consisted of perhaps three tenths of an actual ton, the remainder of the crate being filled with nothing but what was termed "wind and hot air". Of course the price for a "sharp ton" of Nebela flour or rice would equal four times that of an actual ton of non kosher certified grains, and anyone who complained or refused to take the Nebela grains on credit at exorbitant interest would awaken the next morning to find an armed thug and a sign "Nebela Foods Limited" adorning their stall. By now, practically every merchant who had not been driven to ruin by the Sheketz Arroz scheme was forced to buy from the Nebela enterprises.

And since royal titles were easy enough to obtain in the various kingdoms that comprised the Spanish territories, even Hymie Nebela became a knight, taking the royal name of "Don Vital Haim de Menubal, Duca de Vaca". In time, Duca de Vaca, which meant Duke of Cow, would become the basis for an old Spanish song mocking the easy availability of such titles. And later on, in the colonies, English colonists would mistranslate the title of the song as "Duke of Earl", also mocking spurious titles of nobility which were as available in England for the right price just as they were in Spain.

Now, as a nobleman, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, who still claimed to be the very model of a Spanish rabbinical scholar, could realize his long held goal. He could rise to the very greatest heights of deceit and avarice by opening his own private mint, using the same principles of honesty and manipulation of weight and measures that he relied upon to invent and popularize the "sharp ton".

All Don Vital Haim de Menubal had to do was to find a willing king with a willing kingdom. This, as we shall see, proved quite simple for this man of great imagination and even greater moral turpitude.

Don Vital Haim - from Nebela to De Menubal..making a mint the old fashioned way - part 1


Certainly, the most distinguished ancestor in the Schmoigerman-Nebela-de Menubal family tree was Don Vital Haim de Menubal. Born Hymie Nebela in Montres, Vital Haim de Menubal would actually become the proprietor of a mint of his very own.

Having been banished from Montres at the age of 12 when the area came under the rule of a nobleman who was determined to remove the "pestilence known as the Nebela family" from his fiefdom, de Menubal found himself in a rather sleazy part of the great city of Seville, where his father quickly established himself as a purveyor of many illicit pleasures of the flesh. Young Hymie was of course enlisted to help his distinguished parents, usually as a tout in the now famous "Tres Cartas de Monte" card games, but also as a runner for illicit cash and as a carver of forged wooden alms cards.

But Hymie knew that he could do far more with his inherited penchant for fraud and deceit. So, using the phony alms cards which were given to him as bar mitzvah presents, he obtained bug and excrement infested flour, offal, and rotten or overly dried carobs. With that, he began to bake and sell a product which his ancestor Todros had sold in his take out store in pre churban Yerushalayim, namely pat d'kokosh. Pat d'kokosh was indeed the ancestor of today's kokosh cake, but unlike today's version, which was actually based on an updated and sanitized recipe used by Atilla the Hun who in turn copied it from a de Menubal who supplied him with weaponry for his army, it was a rather disgusting concoction, which included not cocoa, but kokosh, an obscure Aramaic word referring to what is today known in any mikveh dressing room as "dreck". (Apparently the Huns, ancestors of the Hungarian Magyars, saw the similarity in appearance between dreck and cocoa and adapted the word kokosh to mean the cocoa used in the sanitized version of kokosh cake.)

At this time, Jewish families began to mark their homes with carvings of noble animals - for instance an Aryeh Yehuda would mark his home with a lion, or a Binyamin Zeev with a wolf. In due time these animals would become part of the family names taken by Jews to avoid being known as Jews during the Inquisition; Lopez from Lobo, meaning a wolf, or de Leon from leon, which even a graduate of Toire veKanois should recognize as the Spanish word for lion.

And young Hymie often found his way to a home situated far from the rest of the stately homes of the "juderia", or Jewish quarter, and marked with that most ignoble of animals, the lowly rat.

This was the abode of Solomon Du'ecq, "La Rata de la Juderia," a miserable little rodent of a man who made his rather prosperous living not only as a swindler who claimed he needed investment to build palaces for some noble or another, but also as a moser who would report Jews for violations of unenforced rules, such as those pertaning to manufacture of wine for Kiddush. This was because Du'ecq, in some dialects pronounced with a soft R, similar to the Arabic 'ghayin, in place of the u, had yet another enterprise; relabeling vinegar as wine and selling it as "wine of the Cohen Gadol*," which he had ostensibly had in his family's possession since the dispersal of Jews to Spain after the churban. His wine was also known as "La Barata" as it was less expensive than proper wine, and soon, cleaning ladies from the Latin American colonies who cleaned homes in the Juderia would learn that "La Barata" was actually not bad for washing floors.

But the Jewish matrons, who were familiar with Greek words from their husbands' commercial travels, referred to it as "La Economicqa," also meaning "the cheap stuff". And they would also find out fast enough that they did not need to buy "La Economicqa" from the reprehensible Du'ecq, but that they could find a similar product, namely simple diluted vinegar, in any marketplace throughout the Spanish Empire. (Years later, another renegade, perhaps a Du'ecq descendant, would migrate from Aleppo to Ottoman Palestine and begin selling liquid chlorine to his fellow Sefardim who searched for "la economicqa" in then vinegar starved Eretz Yisroel. His fraud backfired as the chlorine proved even more efficient for cleaning floors, and thus was born ekonomika, the national cleaning product and kiddush staple of Eretz Yisroel).

Of course Du'ecq needed to put an end to that, and Hymie de Menubal would be the one who showed him how, to the great benefit of both and to the detriment of every Jewish balabuste in the Spanish Empire.

*(It is indeed believed that Du'ecq was the ancestor of the noted Pedro Domecq, a very legitimate vintner and distiller who founded the House of Pedro Domecq, now part of global giant Pernod Ricard. Apparently, a renegade member of the clan, forced to live as a Catholic after the Inquisition, actually engaged in legitimate commerce (an anathema for the Du'ecq clan) and began selling proper wine and brandy while changing his name to avoid both persecution and association with the Du'ecq clan. This is quite plausible as the main product of Pernod Ricard is pastis, known in the Jewish world as arak. It is known that Solomon Du'ecq's grandson, also named Solomon, began selling arak distilled from worn out wooden alms cards, moldy pat d'kokosh, and various and sundry other forms of detritus and ordure. Moreover, arak is often referred to as dreck especially by unwitting yeshiva bochurim who taste it for the first time on Purim and find themselves suffering from headaches and gastric distress for several days.)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Correction...and the yichus goes even further back, to Sdom!


This from the Haham baLeylot of the Sefardi Congregation of Creedmoor (Frenkel's Shul), Haham Rahamim Loyashar:

"Gimpel, your information about the cards is not correct. I am also a de Menubal de Montres on my mother's side and we were always told this about the "tres cartas":

In Spain of old, the poor were supported anonymously, with wooden cards which they took to the market and which entitled the bearer to free food and clothing that was then tallied by the merchant and paid for by the communal tzedaka fund.

Our ancestors forged and sold these cards, and also used them in their card tricks that later became three card monty when printed playing cards replaced the cumbersome shingle sized wooden alms cards. Once the counterfeit cards were forged and sold, the situation became such that the community tzedaka fund was paying for food and clothing for thousands of poor people. Actually, the Jewish population of the town was perhaps 1000 with maybe 30 true aniyim or cholim. Yet, just as today with our Federal chessed program fraud, somehow 40,000 aniyim were getting free food from the communal till!

Of course most of the free food which was obtained by Nebela shills or family members was being exported to other parts of the Spanish empire, or sold in one or more of the Nebela restaurants, take out shops or even the famous HyperNebela supermarket. The rest of the cards were sold to renegade Jews and goyim alike. In fact, the phrase "Shygetz Aross" is based on the Judeo-Spanish phrase "Sheketz, arroz," meaning that there is an unclean creature in the rice, but also a code meaning that a non-Jew was coming to buy food with an improperly obtained tzedaka fund card.

HyperNebela was the first major kosher store in medieval Spain to accept both forged and authentic alms cards, albeit of course for its own reasons, namely both collecting cash from the alms fund AND reselling the cards to unwary travelers who were told it was a sort of identification card that was necessary to carry when traveling in the region.

Actually, it was an identification card of sorts as we Nebelas controlled much of the brigandry in the region and when one of our highway robbers saw this card he knew that the traveler was a mark and a sucker who was therefore fair game. We were true followers in the ways of Sdom ve'Amorah, but rather than getting burned and turned into pillars of salt, today we are the leaders in pillage when it comes to incinerating buildings and salting insurance proceeds away in Lichtenstein, Panama and the Cayman Islands.

In fact our earliest traceable ancestor is someone who fled Sdom before it was turned into a pillar of salt. The chain of descent from the Baalei HaChessed d'Sdom is lost, however, and only our reputation for chessed and mischar al pi minhag Sdom remains.

So, the three cards referred either to the three alms cards per resident that were forged by Yedidya Todros around the time of the naming of the city, or to the three wooden alms cards that marks placed their bets on while playing the predecessor of Three Card Monty."

Hope this helps, and thank you for preserving the history of our distinguished family for future generations of avarice and deceit.

Haham Rahamim Loyashar de Menubal de Montres, Samach Mem."

The Origins: A Stone Inscription


Palestinian archaeologists who dug up a mound not far from Har HaBayis in a harebrained attempt to prove the absence of a Jewish presence in Yerushalayim were dumbstruck.

Here was what they dreaded the most; an engraved stone panel that, while worn, was clearly a list of prices for takeout food from a kosher butcher. Stymied in their attempt to disprove the Jewish connection to Yerushalayim, they hurriedly covered the mound and returned to their bomb making workshop in Abou Qalb, where in due time they obliterated any traces of themselves in a work accident.

But the hastily covered over mound attracted the attention of none other than Creedmoorer stalwart Boylish Krechtz, the famous kanoi of garbage can burning fame. As Krechtz, born Boaz Kramer, was a former Hebrew University student become kanoi "baal tshuva" (who was actually on the payroll of both the ShaBaK and the Admou"r who in any case may well be collaborating with one another), he recognized the mound as an archaeological dig similar to one he had participated in before his conversion (which was said to be a way of escaping cocaine and Ecstacy charges stemming from a number of rave parties he organized for his fellow students).

Knowing he could resell anything he found there to any number of museums under the guise of getting it out of Zionist hands and therefore aiding his beloved Palestinian cause, Krechtz uncovered the mound and found a stone panel with the words:

"Pat d'kokosh. 11 dinar"
"Basar d'flanken 31 dinar"
"Chamar 18 dinar litra"
"Kigel d'Karta 17 dinar"

In other words, he had found the window banner from a take out shop that had existed on this very spot centuries earlier.

And then his curiosity became even greater when he saw the slab of stone was seemingly vandalized with words that looked like "Cherem d'BaDatz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim".

He called his beloved Rebbe, who thanked him profusely, and asked him to decipher any other words which he could manage to read.

The only other word not destroyed by time contained the letters nun, beis, lamed - novol or perhaps nevela.

It took the Admou"r only one second to realize that his chossid had found the menu of his ancestor's Shabbos take out store, which had been put in cherem by the "BaDaTz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim" for selling nevelos.

And when his ancestor Todros escaped Yerushalayim years before the churban, after being banished by that very beis din which put him in cherem, he would bring with him a title deed to the second Beis HaMikdash. Of course, it was forged in the same stone workshop where he had printed his Shabbos take out menus.

And the most distinguished descendant of Todros the carrion vendor was his grandson, known as "Don Yedidya Teodoro Nebela," the Don in this case being a similar honorific to that used by the fictitious Don Vito Corleone. After a series of expulsions and banishments for various and sundry defalcations, he went on to settle in a town that became known as "Montres," a short version of its full name of "Monte de las Tres Cartas," or mountain of the three cards. While two of the three cards were said to be the shnei luchois habris, or at least the smashed luchois that Don Teodoro claimed he possessed and would sell time and time again to Jewish travelers, it was not known what the third card represented until very recent times when welfare cheques were replaced with EBT cards.

Indeed, it was here that a card game would be invented that would bring the first Nebelas a great deal of money and cement their nefarious reputation. That card game, the simplest of sleight of hand tricks, would later make its way to the New World with a stowaway on the Columbus ship "Pinta". And among English speaking arrivals to what had been Nieuw Amsterdam, the game became known as Three Card Monty, in honor of the town of origin of the family which had introduced it to the colonies.

The Nebelas of Montres would establish themselves quite nicely with the proceeds from their game, their resale of the luchois habris, and of course the ancestral trade of carrion butchery.

They also amassed many a cherem and were more than once sentenced to banishment, but this hardly mattered to them. Even then, the Nebelas were kanoim who despised the official rabbanim and negidim of Spain as "just a bunch of koifrim and tzioinim" and they soon established their own independent kehilla.

Soon, an even more extinguished descendant of Todros the take out man would go one step further and essentially establish his own kingdom, or at least his own currency.

He was Don Vital Haim Nebela, who would be renamed Don Vital Haim de Menubal, the de prefix indicating a royal favor, or in this case, well, a royal pain in the posterior.

(Next Post: From Nebela to de Menubal: Knighted for Running His Own Mint)

The Vast and Noble Yichus of the Admou"r meCreedmoor


One of the highlights of the ongoing Moisdos Creedmoor d' Pluto melave malka was the unveiling of the noble, and rather straight, Schmoigerman ilan hayochsin (family tree).

More is coming tomorrow as we decipher the document, but the highlights are:

1) The Schmoigerman family tree began in a village in Spain called "Monte de los Tres Cartas", shortened to Montres, and it is from there that a well known card game, about which more will be told tomorrow, originated in the very family that later became Schmoigerman.

2) The family name at the time of expulsion from Spain was de Menubal, which as you can see is derived from the word "menuval". The family was expelled from Spain 100 years before the Inquisition ever began, for reasons that we will share with you in future posts.

Researchers believe the first Schmoigerman ancestor to reach Spain was a butcher who sold "nevela," or carrion, meat that died of natural causes which of course is not kosher. Apparently because of the prices he charged, the surname was not Nebela but the more refined de Menubal, for it was as if the butcher himself was one and the same as his meat. The surname is a testimony to the nature of the family even from the days of churban bayis sheini, which as der Admou"r cries "iz der antziger binyon I haven't claimed yet fin der insurance!" Yes, der Admou"r possesses a title deed and insurance policy on the second beis hamikdosh, and he explained how he came to possess this document and how it came to be that the property was registered in his ancestor's name!

3) The ancestors of der Admou"r married within the family, with one noble exception. It was that exception whose surname became a part of the Yiddish mikveh vernacular to this very day.

4) The family name became Schmoigerman in Hungary in 1768, when Hoishe Menuvalcso, who bore the Hungarian variant of the de Menubal surname, was branded "shoiteh, menuval, vegas ruach" on one of the first pashkvilkelach issued by the "Adas Charydim Nagyszar" of Nagyszar, Hungary. Apparently this name had something to do with the manner in which Menuvalcso manufactured and sold kokosh cake that contained wood chips, animal waste and other noxious refuse. That pashkvilke was the first printed by my own ancestor, and this is how we bear the surname Pashkvilkemacher rather than Nagyszarvary or a similar Hungarian surname.

5) The Admour's zaide escaped Nagyszar and was not a kapo as was believed. Instead, he was a British double agent who ran a black market, and had his own currency in Mea Shearim, which was a precursor to the food stamp. However, unlike Reb Amram Bloy who also ran a voucher system, the Admou'r's zaide Reb Groinem Schmoigerman sold his vouchers for "tzioinish gelt" which he then converted into pounds sterling. He served as a well known moneychanger, and was known for issuing his own "lira, franken, shekel, dolar, funt" in denominations not produced by the mint or central bank of the issuing entity.

6) The Admou"r was adopted by a secular couple in Canada for a short while when his mother feigned insanity and had herself committed to Creedmoor in order to escape a jail sentence for assisting her husband with several botched burglaries. He ran away from his adoptive parents after six months, and joined his mother, who by then had forged a title deed to her room and two adjacent rooms, in Creedmoor. Rebbetzin Shprintze-Cholerye Schmoigerman was therefore the first Creedmoorer Rebbetzin even if her son and not her husband (an amateur chazzan known as Der Zinger fin Sing-Sing) became Admou"r.

More details on this noble and exalted lineage coming tomorrow, motzash and Sunday as we relate the distinguished history of a family which dedicated itself to gezel, mirmo, machloikes and geneivas daas even as far back as churban bayis sheini!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The first KKK certified product is...


Effective as soon as the check cashes, the following product is certified Kasher leMehadrin leGoalei Nefesh and Noki Mekol Chashash Timas haTzioinis by the "KKK" regardless of whether any symbol appears on the boxes:

"Uncle Mahmoud"'s No Hands Rice Casserole, Kholsad-Jendeh Sharia Rice Mills, Shiraz, Iran.

No Hands Rice Casserole (horesht-i-khosdeh) mixes are easy to use even when recovering from a second or third sharia amputation. We at KKK Kashrus are pleased to welcome our first product and its most reliable manufacturer, Sharia Judge "Chainsaw Mohammad" Ahmadzadeh.

The KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel


While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).

"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...

And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.

Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?

And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./

Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!

At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..

Monday, October 19, 2009

Creedmoor Kashrus Coming Soon!


The link between here and Pluto (as in my Internet connection) keeps going down. As soon as it is back to normal, hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to post the kashrus news and other highlights of the Admou"r's tish.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Admou"r Opens New Pluto Based Kashrus Agency


The letter K means kosher. The letters KKK mean triple kosher. So explains the creator of the latest in ultra-mehadrin kosher symbols, the one and only Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who announced the opening of his new kashrus agency during his Motzoei Shabbos tish on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

The KKK symbol is bound to be controversial, as its entire modus operandi is very questionable even by rather lax Schmoigerman standards. Firms which do not wish to accept the certification are approached by anywhere from three to ten of the volunteers who comprise the famed Bulvanim community patrol.....

More coming soon!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

First Report from Pluto - The Moisdois Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka


This is only a short report of the present chaos which is occuring as all 150 quintillion of the Admou"r's personalities are being transported to the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At present, the Admou"r explained that thanks to some mushrooms provided by his loyal Alcatrazer Rebbetzin (Creedmoor West Coast), he reached Pluto just as soon as he chose to end Shabbos, which was sometime last Thursday, and he is now ready to begin the melave malka because after a steady diet of Alcatrazer Mushroom Kigel from Berzerkley he is able to bring all 150 quintillion of his personalities to his new moisdos.

Tomorrow morning, we will be able to decipher the Admou"r's latest gibberish and explain how it was none other than der Admou"r allyne who had Pluto declassified as a planet - and how he came to hold the title deed for the celestial body.

In addition, there will be a major kashrus announcement from the Admou"r, so come back tomorrow for more Creedmoorish Cretinism and loads of interplanetary gezel vemirma!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Emergency Update from Der Admou"r: Chyrem on Entertainment


(Translated from the original Kanoish dialect of Gibberish)

"How long will it take until our generation understands that the only forms of recreation acceptable to those of us who follow in the ways of our exalted forefathers Kayin, Koirach, Doson, Avirom, Bilom, all the way through the generations to our benighted and orphaned generation where my words are as dust in the wind, are those which perpetuate our exalted duties to bring machloikes and pirud into this world!

We are yet again dismayed to hear that members of our holy conflagration, which has consumed so many insured buildings in its wake yet has not brought the final redemption of all food stamps, Pathmark double coupons, or even our hyliger Machloikes Dollars, let alone Nauru Series B bonds backed by avian guano, that holy substance which sustains our hyliger kehilla, are listening to music that is of the lowest kind, that which brings forth the toeva which the koifrim of our generation refer to so brazenly as "ehrliche negine" but is in reality toieva because it is a balm to the soul and therefore influences the listener to fight against the prolongation of this Golus that we so adore and which allows us to obtain our parnosse through the holiest means of Welfare, Section 8, Medicare, heat subsidies, and insurance fraud.

Therefore, I once again reiterate that ALL MUSIC WHICH HAS WORDS THAT DO NOT PROMOTE MACHLOIKES IS OSSUR LEMEHADRIN and ANY STORE WHICH SELLS SUCH MUSIC AS WELL AS ANY HOME OR CAR IN WHICH SUCH MUSIC IS PLAYED, EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE HOLY IN THAT IT IS FILLED WITH CHANDELIERS PURCHASED WITH FOOD STAMPS AND PROCEEDS FROM INSURANCE FRAUD, IS IN THE STRICTEST CHEREM. I have instructed our holiest of holies, the hyliger Bulvanim modesty squad, to stand guard at ALL HOMES AND STORES and to be prepared to damage and destroy all property, life and limb belonging to those who counteract my most holy decree.

I have also instructed the hyliger chazzan, Reb Shmarya Schmendrick Schmaltzsinger, to record a new album of the most exalted niggunim of our community. The album, to be called "Machloikes, Machloikes, Machloikes," will be available at subsidized prices to any hyliger Yid who brings in one or more disks of the niggunim of toieva and at least three carats worth of diamond jewelry that is not fitting for a pas Yisroel."

Signed: Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishone deKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Baal haMachloikes d'Doirynee hoYasoim, Admou"r Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman d'Pirud Kehillos Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hamisragshim UVoim Leoilom Voed.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sneak Preview and Please Introduce Yourselves


Just to let everyone know, this Motzoei Shabbos we will be bringing you a report, live, from the Creedmoorer Shtibl on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet, where the Admou"r will be fiering tish and kishing tush for the first time since he opened the shtibl in....yes, 5779 (we will explain this as part of our exclusive report as well, so don't worry, we do know what year this is even if the Admou"r doesn't). The Admou"r will finally even explain why it is that Pluto is no longer a planet, and you will be very surprised to learn the real reason behind this cosmic decison.

Also, could inzere hyliger visitors please use the comments feature on this post to introduce yourselves? I'd be interested to see where you are coming from and what you think of what I realized is actually one of the longest, if not THE longest, running Jewish humor blogs in cyberspace.

A groysen dank,

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher MD (Morally Defunct) for himself and for the late Rabbi Gedalia Dreckschreiber, Esq, Former Renowned Legal Malpractice Specialist, now "Deceased for Welfare and Insurance Purposes" and residing happily in the basement of the Ku Klutz Karta Masjid on Saddle River Road with his equally malfunctioning friends Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (ne Weiss) and Ayatollah Moussa al-Dib Beck.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Schmoigerman Confirmed as Nobel Economics Prize Winner


No one is sure of his actual name, for his surname comes from the abbreviation for three rather pejorative Hebrew words meaning fool, "lowlife" and coarse of spirit. And he resides in the vacant part of a well known New York City psychiatric hospital, his 150 quintillion followers clearly a product of his deluded imagination.

Meet Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, fraudster extraordinaire and recipient of the 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics. Never mind that his own existence is a subject of much doubt; he has fraudulently masterminded the granting of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama as well as the granting of the economics prize to his own very self.

Yet, there are many who would argue that anyone who can successfully register 150 quintillion souls for various and sundry entitlement programs throughout the world, claim huge daily insurance payouts on burned properties which do not show on any maps, and maintain both a diagnosis of clinical insanity and his own independent country, is clearly worthy of some prize for economics.

After all, Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who admits in his authorized biography that he received higher rabbinical ordination by sending boxtops of kosher cereal to what probably was a prank offer orchestrated either by himself or a co-conspirator, has essentially created his own economy, in which his welfare and subsidy cheques as well as his insurance payouts are used to finance yet more fraud.

For instance, according to forged corporate records in the "Annals of the Great and Exalted Republic of Schmoigermania", one of the four or five registered names of the Rabbi's political entity which is located on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman or his affiliated congregations own controlling shares in most every major insurer throughout the world. This of course enables him to pay out policies on his own properties that do not seem to exist, although it is said that he inspires a few real world followers to commit acts of arson in order to profit from properties that have lost value due to the economic downturn.

Then, there is the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, which issues foodstamps in very odd denominations, bearing only a slight resemblance to authentic United States issued food stamps and accepted only by a strange cabal of grocers who seem to have ties to the rump "Neturei Karta" (Ku Klutz Kartel) of Monsey, New York and Manchester, UK. These grocers purchase the Schmoigermanic stamps from the Bank at a price somewhere between ten and fifteen cents on the dollar to return to customers who insist on change in cash for food stamp purchases (illegal) and then accept the stamps along with 138% of the purchase price in actual stamps for purchases of prepared food, household chemicals (especially kerosene) and other items that are not sold legally in exchange for food stamps.

And when the Admou"r runs out of food stamps to fund more and more audacious fraud projects, including, for instance, the sale of defective or expended American and European medical equipment to Fourth, Fifth and Sixth world nations (it is believed there is a Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman Street in Mogadishu, Somalia, so named by a grateful warlord who was able to use the Schmoigerman fraud machine to launder money in Schmoigerman's certified Maytag and Siemens washing machines), he simply prints more and more, and trades it for the sovereignty of his country by allowing holders of American, EU and especially Iranian currency to invest in "Schmoigermania" by purchasing "Hyliger Dreck Bonds" which boast an annual interest rate of 1600% paid out in of course Schmoigerman bucks.

If the average reader does not understand this, he need look only to the economy in the United States of America, whose President just won a Nobel Peace Prize thanks to the efforts of Schmoigerman affiliated judges "50 Cent", Beyonce Knowles, Michael Moore, and Perez Hilton. The United States under the Hussein Obama administration simply prints money to fund the purchase of defunct automobile firms, as well as to bail out insurance companies. This in turn devalues its currency, real estate and other investment vehicles so that Chinese investors, as well as Arabs who expensively feed American appetites for petroleum, are able to purchase the country's strategic assets for pennies on the devalued dollar.

The main difference is that Schmoigerman seems to have no tangible assets whatsoever except holdings in a small kokosh cake bakery located in the basement of a Rockland County Chassidic enclave. Then again, said "Kalman's Kushin Tuches Kokosh Kake Fabrik" is held free and clear by its investors. American assets are mortgaged to the hilt as the US digs itself further and further into debt.

So, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, who turns phantom assets into real money, and maintains both a sovereign nation and a vehicle for obtaining welfare from most of the free world, received the Nobel Prize for Economics.

And Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama, who turns real assets into real liabilities, compromises the economic sovereignty of the United States and turns it into a vehicle for cheap sale to the highest bidder from the not so free world, received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Breaking Mikve News: Schmoigerman to Receive Nobel Prize for Economics


In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.

More tomorrow as details become available.....

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

A Creedmoorer Is Excused From Jury Duty


Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.

Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:

"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"

When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.

Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Creedmoorer Ushpizin


So who are the Creedmoorer ushpizin for the 12 days of Creedmoorer Sukkos?

First Night: Nachash haKadmoni

Second Night: Kayin

Third Night: Yishmoel

Fourth Night: Lovon

Fifth Night: Esav

Sixth Night: Onan

Seventh Night: Amalek

Eighth Night: Agag

Ninth Night: Homon

Tenth Night: Chmelnitzky

Eleventh Night: Stalin

Twelfth Night: Ben Gurion (burned in effigy along with the sukkah itself).

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sukkos and Preparations for Sukkos In Creedmoor


This year, the procedures for Sukkos in Creedmoor are as follows:

Sale of 10 day insurance policies to cover sukkahs will begin today, 56790 Menachem Av 5708 according to the Creedmoorer calendar.

This year, we are pleased to offer mehudar insurance policies from our very own insurance policy groves in Palermo, Sicily. These policies cover fire and all other forms of damage and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman as the main beneficiary. All other insurance policies are considered posul this year, especially those issued by any insurance company which is tainted by the timas hatzioinis.

In addition, your choice of dalet minim (representing the arba misois byse din to which we are zoiche) will be available at specially elevated prices. This year we offer either a stone-matchbook-knife-rope set for 6789 food shtempelach, or a stone-lighter-sword-bungee cord set for 9876 food shtempelach. Our take out food department will operate as usual during the sale of dalet minim, and this year we proudly offer polystyrene resin based galle, from polystyrene plants harvested in Eretz Hakoidesh Iran. In addition, those of our nshei chayil who need a new burqa for the chag may be taken advantage of by our Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and her staff of custom tin foil burqa weavers, who will custom fit burqas and charge accordingly. Remember that this year, we do not allow any woman to visit Creedmoor unless she covers her eye slits, so please be prepared to replace your burqa at the entrance to the Creedmoor Sukkos Expo if it does not meet the new higher standards of the Creedmoor Chumra Club.

Sale of kerosene will begin only on Tzioinish Simchas Torah so that the kerosene need not be stored over the period during which the sukkah is standing for insurance inspection. Our kerosene this year is from the Iranian state petroleum corporation and is certified noki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis by Kvoid Kedishas Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani himself. We also have a supply of aged Malaysian kerosene under the hashgacha of Rabbi Dr Mahathir Mohammed but this is available only to those who can prove they have burned down at least 1000 sukkahs over the past 10 years.

Finally, our Bulvanim volunteers are available for both construction and destruction of all fully insured sukkahs. They are graciously offering sukkah construction services for only 1000 food shtempelach this year, payable over a 12 month period in equal installments of 150 shtempelach.

We end by reminding all who have the demerit of participating in the Creedmoorer sukkah festivities to please construct the sukkah walls with Tzioinish flags that are defaced with a swastika. By doing this, you will be mekayem the mitzvah of burning both swastikas and Tzioinish flags, as well as showing solidarity with the true inhabitants of the Land of Israel, may it never be restored to us until we are able to witness the final redemption of our WIC cheques for tin foil shtreimlach and fake Prada tichlach.