Sunday, December 31, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Saddam Hussein

Ve, as representatives from der Disjointed Communities fin Creedmoor, are very much to mournink der late great Saddam Hussein, leader and friend in der struggle against the worldwide Zionist government and fellow kounterfitter from Zionist Imperialist US currency. Der Admou'r is sitting shiva in Creedmoor - room 209, Beis Medrash Evyoin d'Creedmoor, D-room service closet.

Moshe Aryeh Friedman is unable to sit shiva in Teheran due to the enmity between Iran and Iraq, and asks all like minded individuals to sit shiva on his behind.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Mahmoud and the Six Dwarves - a New Haimishe Video

Mahmoud and the Six Dwarves!
Screenplay: The Creedmoor Chronicler

The video tells the tale of an Iranian prince who wanted to do what his predecessor Achashverosh did and hold a beauty contest to choose hisprincess. Since the prince feared that one day he might have to flee Iran, he wanted girls from outside the country, who held foreign passports, to participate in the contest. However, Prince Mahmoud (played by Benny Elbaz) mistakenly contacted a haimish shadchan who was both very evil and very confused.

The elderly shadchan, Moshe Ber Beck, checked his blacklist and sent six of his most dilapidated, dissipated, dissheveled, defunct and deranged BOCHURIM to Iran instead of the six girls who were supposed to go to meet the Prince.

(The blacklist scene is wild! The shadchan's grandson, played by a young man who has made a name for himself on the frum net by imping and stalking members of the Miami Boys Choir past and present, is asked by his senile grandfather to read the blacklist out loud. Other than the 6 who are chosen, the names include Moishe Finkel of Shvache Meats fame, Jack Abramoff, Sholam Weiss, Mike Tyson and Al Sharpton, whose name is somehow changed to Ayliyuhee Sharfman. Pictures of all the blacklisters appear during the video, some with prison numbers, some demonstrating alongside Muslims, some wearing restraints, and one in solitary confinement).

The prince was so disgusted that he held a great banquet to which all of the Jew haters in the world were invited along with the six haimishe losers. To Prince Mahmoud's surprise, the losers enjoyed the conference immensely, and they took turns kissing the prince.

Of course, all Prince Mahmoud really wanted was a foreign passport, and he finds out that in the EU, of which Austria is a part, acertain type of marriage lo aleinu is actually recognized by the government. In the end, the prince finds a Conservative "rabbi" who agrees to serve as mesader kedushin for his sham marriage to the youngest of the menuvelach, the hapless Moshe Aryeh Friedman, who is deftly, or is it daftly, played by Lipa Schmeltzer!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Creedmoor Mourns Saparmurat Niyazov

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin,
including K'hal Anshai Domim v'Mirma d'Alcatraz and the Plutonian Committee
for the Destruction of the Zionist Entity, mourn the untimely death of
Hakadosh Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan. We join in the sorrow of the
brave Turkmen people over the loss of their great and glorious leader, who
is a follower of the Creedmoorer derech of "take everything you can and
leave nothing for anyone else." May his family and the Turkmen nation be
comforted in the name of Allah the all-merciful, to whom we look daily in
our struggle against the Zionist entity.

Rabbi Dr Dovid'l Schmoigerman-Goldman, Admou'r meCreedmoor, Alcatrazer
Rebbe, RovHaRishus dePluto, veShaar Marin Bishin.

Moishe Aryeh Fryedkopf, Vienna Creedmoorer Rov

Yisroel Dovid Scheiss, Beis Creedmoor d'Monsey

Moshe Ber Dreck, Neturei Creedmoor of Monsey

Ahron Cohnhead, Szarkonozvary Rov and Proprietor of Ahron's Thousand Egg
Omelets of Manchester.

Israel Hirschenschlang, Creedmoor Center of AlQuds, Filastin.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Ahron Cohen part 2 - The Bris

One fine morning 83 years ago, a Gypsy traveler visited Szarkonoszvary. Like most Hungarian Gypsies, he made his less than honest living working with metal - using tools that he purloined from honest blacksmiths in neighboring villages. He knew that in Szarkonoszvary there was little money, but he also knew that the hamlet was even more lacking in brainpower.

So, he walked into the home of Velvel and Shana Byla Cohen, who were celebrating the birth of their firstborn baby boy, and offered them a wondrous thing that the villagers had never seen before. It was a claw hammer, rusty and with a termite infested handle, and the traveler offered it for the low price of one copper crown.

"Shana Byla, gib a kik! Look from dis tink! We can use the part that's sticking out to hit him so we won't have to drop our precious yingele on the floor like Tatte did to me, and we can use the anderer end as a moihel messer! Di vaist vus Lipa der moihel lost his knife AGAIN!"

"Oy, Velvel, such a chochom I married! Yes, mir darf koifen der zach! How much he is wantink for it, the tzigane?"

"Eyne copper kroin!"

"One second, I'll run to the vyber shul and steal a kroin from the pushka!"

"Far vus? You think I am ever turnink over one shtickl copper from inzerer Reb Mayer Baal Haness pishka to der Reb Mayer Baal Haness? Nem fin inzerer!"

So Rebbetzin Cohen removed a copper crown from the family's Rabbi Mayer Baal Haness pushka (never mind that her husband was the official collector for Koilel Shoimrei Hamikve d'Kupas Rabbeyni Mayer Baal Hagelt to which the pushka belonged) and handed it to the gypsy, who then ran fast after he dropped the termite ridden tool on the Cohen's table.

Seven days later, it was time for the baby's bris and his head cracking ceremony, in which he would be inducted (or perhaps indicted) into the Congregation of Israel, but in a way that only Szarkonoszvary (which some say meant not "Village of Yellow Dung," but was rather a corruption of the phrase "Sakonos Nefashois") would ever recognize.

Lipa the mohel sharpened the insides and edges of the claw of the hammer, and dipped it in a mixture of schmaltz and slivovitz in order to make his work safer and easier. Years later, when this boy was threatened with "another bris," he would actually dare the threatener to go ahead with his plans, because his bris was completely possul, and the results were less than professional.

For this boy was named Ahron, a perfect name for someone whose family had pretended to be Cohanim for four generations now.

And the second part of the ceremony was conducted by Velvel Cohen, whose own skull cracking ceremony had left him with brain damage (meant to prevent him from joining the Haskalah) that in turn weakened his upper limbs.

So, instead of dropping little Ahron on his soft head as his father had done to him at the age of 8 days, Velvel Cohen impotently picked up the hammer and gave his baby son a series of weak, short whacks on the left side of his tiny head. The results were an utter disaster, as Velvel Cohen, ignorant of physiology as he was of everything else in life except tzedoko scams, had not injured the parts of the brain that control intellect or motor functions.

Instead, Velvel Cohen created a monster, as he damaged the part of his son's brain which controls emotions and logic. And as we will see in the next installment, Ahron Cohen would grow up mentally astute by Szarkonoszvary and later Neturei Kreedmoor standards, but his behavior and social interactions were completely and utterly devoid of humanity.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Ahron Cohen (NK Manchester) - A Son of "The Hungarian Chelm"

Ahron Cohen is the Manchester delegate to the Iranian Holocaust convention; here is the information which we have obtained regarding his eminent assininity:

Everyone knows about Chelm, the Polish town where bagel holes were sold, and where the Va'ad Hanarronim ruled the town with an iron dunce cap. But Chelm was a parody, a Creedmoor Chronicles if you will, of an "ir ve'em beYisroel," where Torah permeated every cobblestone.

On the other hand, Szarkonoszvary - "Village of the Yellow Dung" - was the real thing. Isolated from the rest of Hungary by a river and a mountain range, Jews probably took refuge there during times of terrible persecution. But when times improved, all but two or three families left the little village for better lives elsewhere.

Now, a minyan cannot function without a Cohen, so the Cohen family was chief among those that stayed. Never mind that the family name was actually Werczberger and they were not really Cohanim. The family patriarch, Yossel Cohen, was a simpleton who could not spell Werczberger, so he decided on the easier to spell and remember Cohen. Since he was not the most ehrlicher Yid out there, he decided he would declare himself a descendant of Aharon Hacohen while he was at it. This meant he would be called to the Torah first as well as to be able to supplement his meager income as a dung delivery man with some pidyon haben gelt.

To understand the Cohen family, it must be understood that the families who remained in isolated little Szarkonoszvary were not the most intelligent Jews in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Whether due to inbreeding, or lack of proper nutrition, or both, the Szarkonoszvary community consisted of very simple minded people.

And no family was simpler than that of the son of Yossel Cohen, Velvel, who married Shana Byla Cohen, his first cousin. Shana Byla was herself the unsophisticated and uneducable but notably shrewish product of a marriage between Yossel's brother and his own first cousin. Indeed, Shana Byla's mother was the town yente and was called Yachne Vashti Cohen, her birth name having been forgotten about five Purims after she was born.

As per Szarkonoszvary custom, Yossel dropped his son Velvel on a hard dirt floor head first when he reached the age of one year. This was the local segula against joining up with the Haskalah, the anti-Torah "enlightenment" that was becoming popular and stealing souls in large cities such as Budapest and Vienna. After all, if one was unable to understand Western philosophy, how could he join the Haskalah? Never mind that the brain damage inflicted by dropping a child on its head would also render him unable to study Torah; there was not even a Chumash to be found in illiterate Szarkonoszvary.

The minhag, carried out into the next generation by simple, partially crippled Velvel Cohen, would have truly disastrous effects upon his son, Ahron Cohen.

(more coming soon)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Truth is Stranger than Fiction

We have just obtained information proving that the eminently undersized and addled Moshe Aryeh Friedman , who, according to Bloomberg, called the Holocaust "a successful fiction,'' is NOT Moshe Aryeh Friedman who grew up (but not too far up) in Brooklyn. He is actually Moshe Aryeh Ferdganver, one of only two Creedmoorer Chassidim who not only really exists in the flesh, but who was born in Creedmoor.

The story of his escape to Vienna, using nothing but bedsheets, is a fascinating tale of fraud, theft, deception, and cowardice. We are presently trying to digest all of the information which we were given by Dr Ramesh (nicknamed Dr Ramallah by the staff for his parroting of Creedmoor anti-Zionist views) Patel, the doctor on duty at the time. Since Patel sprinkled vindaloo powder on the documents, it will take us at least a day to digest them (unless we manage to get them detoxified). Therefore, we should have this story written by Wednesday 20 December/5th day of Chanukah-29 Kislev.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Coming soon - The Intergalactic Conference on Welfare Denial

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has given his East Coast wife, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, a get after she returned from the Intergalactic Conference on Welfare Denial. More to come shortly.

Friday, December 15, 2006

New Creedmoor Coming This Week..

According to Creedmoor minhag, Purim and Chanukah are the same because Al Hanissim and Hallel are said both days. So, Creedmoor will finally be back this week. And in the meantime, here are 2 satirical pieces about the Viennese representative of Creedmoor, the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman: (Neturei Karta Activist Threatens Singer) (Friedman Family Sues for Wrongful Birth)