Saturday, February 26, 2011

Creedmoor Proudly Sponsors "The 120 Denier Seminary!"


Are you worried that your precious Bas Yisrooel might be exposed to bad influences during her year in Eretz Yisrooel? Do you want to make sure she is closed off from anything to do with the timadige medine?

We, the dedicated hanhala of Bnos Burqa - the 120 denier seminary - make sure that your daughter is never exposed to tima because our dress code prevents her from being exposed to much of anything!

We are the only seminary that insists your precious daughter wears her burqa to class as well as when walking around our campus, which she is not permitted to leave without three iron-clad madrichois who are selected for their dedication to extreme tznius as prescribed by our hyliger sifrei sharia. We insist that our girls cover their eyes when not on campus, and our madrichois will guide them for both physical and spiritual safety during their walks through the city so that they avoid seeing tzioinish desecration.

Mrs Yachne-Behyme Pashkvilschreiber and her dedicated staff, chosen from the strictest homes in East Jerusalem, make sure that your daughter becomes a real burqa girl who will take the lessons she learned at our seminary with her for her entire life as a true eved to her husband.

We welcome applications from Section 8 and welfare families - we accept food stamps for our comfortable 12 monthly installment payments for tuition and burqa rental.

"My Magyfaleh was actually wasting her time doing chessed projects in her old sem, like visiting Yidden wounded by terrorist attacks that were caused by the tziyoinim who oppress the innocent Palestinians. She was picking up the krimmest tzioinish hashkofos and mamesh goyishkeit! I pulled her out and put her into Bnos Burqa and she came out a real tzadekes, ready to get married so she can apply for her own welfare and Section 8!" (Byreh-Cholere Tzifloigenberger, Kiryas Naye Circle)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Admou"r MeCreedmoor Awakens: Will Send Three Quintillion Troops to Back Ghadaffi


After a long hibernation in which it was said that he induced symptoms of multiple personality failure in order to avoid prosecution for gross fraud, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, arose from his deathbed to offer assistance to fellow lunatic Muammar el-Ghadaffi of Libya.

"After my friend Reb Muammar said...when I do, everything will burn..I remembered I have insurance on several tents in Libya. So I want to help him make sure everything will burn," the reclusive self-proclaimed leader of 150 quintillion self-proclaimed souls said. "Therefore, I am offering three quintillion of my strongest men and eleven million gallons of rancid galle to the Ghadaffi army in order to fight against those who would dare rebel against the tzaddik ha-dor!"

The Admou"r, who seems to proclaim his own cessation of existence from time to time yet somehow manages to collect various entitlement and subsidy programs for more people than ever existed since the creation of the world, may not have any strong men to send. According to welfare records, every single one of his faithful is either on life support, quadriplegic, blind, deaf, developmentally disabled, or whatever combination of ailments and impediments will get the most sympathy from his network of suborned welfare social workers.

In addition, the Admou"r is said to have built a thirty-two million dollar gravesite for himself, so that he can prove his own demise in the event of arrest or indictment. On April 1, which is the anniversary of his "death" as well as the anniversary of his committment to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center's abandoned D-ward, the grave somehow comes to life when thousands of pilgrims, all of whom share the same address at a Mailboxes Plus in Queens, arrive to pray at the "holy" site.

Middle East observers discount Schmoigerman's offer as another attempt to ensure that the "rabbi" retains the diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome and delusions of grandeur that keeps him in Creedmoor and out of Otisville, where he is said to have both followers and competitors.

Muammar el-Ghadaffi was unable to be reached for comment. His line was busy fielding calls from three quintillion brain-damaged quadriplegics on life support who need transport to arrive in Libya and fight for the Ghadaffi cause.