Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Official Creedmoor Statement Regarding Sentencing of Bernard Madoff


"I would like to take this opportunity to wish my former talmid Reb Bernard Madoff, a graduate of the Kollel d'Rabbeinu Charles Ponzi she al ydei Khal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor, arichis yomim veshonim toivos. This should be in a way far above the laws of nature, so that he can savor fully every day of his hard earned 150 year sentence.

And at this time, I would like to remind all those who walk in the nearly burned out flame of Chassidus Creedmoor, rekindled only to burn flags and buildings with kerosene, that a great segeela for avoiding falling prey to an even larger Ponzi scheme is to categorically refuse to pay Social Security taxes..."

Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman of the Combined Kehillos of Baseless Hatred, Deceit and Fraud of Creedmoor and Creedmoor-Alcatraz

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Part 5 - Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - The Film Fails..or does it?


"Make a skin flick for frimme oisvorfen" was Reb Mechel's advice to his soon to be Rebbetzin, Cholerye Kosinska. "All you iz needink to do iz to show a skirt above der kneez, elbowz exposed end high heelz mit an open toe"!

Needless to say, Reb Mechel Groszberg failed to take into account that such a silly comedy, shot with poor equipment as Cholerye planned, could only be shown on the Internet, where no revenue was possible except for a few Google ads. That did not stop even him from purchasing another eighty-five per cent of the new film, which was now subscribed for 36,000 shares of one per cent each.

The film was made, and Cholerye starred by scrubbing hard and fast, cleaning the entire Creedmoor compound with strong bleach and making it shine with floor wax.

And an amazing thing happened:

Maria Osiolzka, the director of Maria's Maids, and one of the investors, immediately realized that it would be a fine training film for Polish cleaning ladies working in Jewish homes, especially at peak Pesach time. Therefore, she got a video production company to put the film on disk with Polish subtitles, and paid Cholerye $500 for the privilege. As the lighting was very poor and no one could see any of Cholerye's exposed skin, the esteemed director of Beis Frimme d'Kanoim purchased rights to the film in Yiddish for another $500, for use in her advanced seminary where girls were taught how to clean homes and cook and not much else of practical use.

Now, the film had made a profit of $1000 as it had cost nothing to shoot, the camera and cleaning supplies and even Cholerye's outfit all having been duly stolen from well known Borough Park stores. That meant that Cholerye had to divide 36500% of $1000 among her investors. She did not have this kind of money, even in stolen silver. No, Cholerye would not have major losses that would prevent her giving a return on her investors' money and food stamps. She actually had to pay out.

Cholerye had therefore just become a major liability for Reb Mechel Groszgrub, who could not marry her as she was now being chased by half of the same people whose stolen silver and rings sat in his shop for resale.

That left Cholerye with one option. Confess all to the Admou'r meCreedmoor in the hope he would need a third Rebbetzin.

After she confessed to her scheme, the Admou"r simply assigned a few more crimes to Cholerye by showing that she herself had applied for welfare as an illegal alien with assets when in reality all checks were going to the Admou"r.

The Admou"r was of course unarrestable, but such was not the case with Cholerye, who now faces deportation after she finishes her five year sentence for theft and fraud.

Fortunately, the Admou"r never found out that Mechel Groszgrub was behind the whole scam. But to be sure, he transferred the Kosinska welfare checks to the name Mechel Groszgrub at his own Creedmoor address. This way, if his Chossid dared to challenge him for the Rebbeschaft, he, too, would be deported straight back to Beedapesht. In addition, the Admou'r's becher collection increased by 100 units when a masked robber entered the Groszgrub store and relieved the proprietor of 120 bechers, 20 as his own fee and 100 for the Admou"r.

Score: Creedmoor 10, Kosinska -1000, Groszgrub -10

Part 4 - Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Klara becomes Cholerye...


The conversion process was easy. Three full laps in the Creedmoorer mikveh using a flotation device painted in the colors of the Palestinian flag, while shouting Shygetz Aross and Down With Zionism comprised the aquatic component, and burning a kerosene soaked flag in one of the few remaining and heavily insured vacant buildings on the Creedmoor complex marked the incendiary component. Earth was represented by the Creedmoor Shma, the words of which are "Herst di! Herzl mit Ben Gurion zenen tiff, tiff in der erd," and wind was represented by well, passing wind.

And Klara, now duly registered as the recipient of Section 8, SSI, disability and social security, as well as food stamps and emergency heating aid all in care of the Admou"r, took the very fitting name of Cholerye.

She also commented on the disarray and dirtiness of the Creedmoor compound, in turn compounded by the latest heap of heavily insured ashes, and offered to clean it free of charge, so long as she could make a movie of her work and attract investors to invest in rights to distribution of the movie.

The first investor was Rabbi David Schmoigerman, who took what he thought was the lion's share of eighty-five per cent. Little did he know, or truly care, that his new Chassidiste was about to sell thirty-six thousand per cent of what she billed as "the first kosher skin flick".

Meanwhile, Cholerye was planning to become Rebbetzin Cholerye Groszgrub, who would rival the Rebbetzins Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and Lilac Blossom Prunepit Schmoigerman when it came to standing behind and supporting a devious and avaricious husband in his many schemes and machinations and avoidance of making so much as one honest penny.

(Part 5 coming soon)

Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Part 3 - Klara Must Convert!


Reb Mechel laid down the law to Klara: Unless she converted to Judaism, he would no longer be able to accept her purloined goods, and he would also be compelled to report her to the police as they were on his tail. Since he was not able to moiser a Jew, her conversion would mean that he would just make up names like "Ricardo Rodriguez" (with an address matching that of one of his vacancy tenants) when asked where his stolen merchandise came from.

Knowing that Klara was in no way able to accept any religion which had "Loi Signoiv" among its commandments, he recommended that she convert only via the Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose conversions were in turn recognized by "the very strictest stream of ultra-Orthodox Judaism". Of course that referred only to the rump Ku Klutz Kartel of Monsey and Manchester, which accepted conversions based only on witnesses having seen the convert burn the Zionist flag and yell "Shygetz Aross" at counter-demonstrators.

Klara had no problem accepting an appointment to meet Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in his Olympic sized conversion mikve on the grounds of the D-ward Creedmoorer complex. She also had no problem accepting the rather unusual requirements of a Creedmoorer geirus ve'mamzeirus.

(more coming later today).

Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor, Part 2 - Reb Mechel Groszgrub


Klara Kosinska sold her purloined silver via Mechel Groszgrub, a bent, round little man who had an odd looking picture up on the wall of his small, dirty Borough Park jewelry, silver and gem store.

Not one piece of merchandise in the Groszgrub store was of legitimate origin, and that could be chalked up to the proprietor's devotion to the man in the picture. The subject of the photograph, certainly among the eighty tzaddikim who were the subject of talk in many a mikveh and on Purim, was wearing an orange trash bag over his red silk dress, and a tin foil on his head.

Yes, Mechel Groszgrub was one of perhaps three or four actual, non-phantom followers of the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, and at present the only one who did not reside on either the Creedmoor or Alcatraz campus of the Creedmoorer yeshiva and related enterprises.

Groszgrub had actually been prosecuted no fewer than ten times for arson and insurance fraud, and each time he managed to produce legitimate diagnoses of pyromania, which meant that in the liberal atmosphere of the New York and Federal courts of law, he could be sentenced only to restitution and psychiatric counseling. Restitution was indeed duly paid by Reb Mechel, from the proceeds of welfare and section 8 scams in which payments were issued to him under the names of his tenants. Those phantom tenants were registered as living in uninhabitable apartments which were actually kept vacant and warehoused in his rows and rows of slum apartments in the roughest parts of Brooklyn and the Bronx. That in turn allowed him access to many renovation loans from Government agencies which he took via phantom companies that were bankrupted a few months after loan proceeds reached their accounts.

He had even accepted a sentence of six months of inpatient treatment in the hallowed and also largely vacant halls of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Hospital, where he nearly was able to establish a Chassidic court to rival that of Creedmoor, so brazen and successful were his Medicaid, welfare and medical billing scams.

Groszgrub was actually very jealous of his supposed Rebbe, and found in his best supplier, Klara Kosinzka, a possible way to not only surpass the Admou"r but also to defraud him. If Groszgrub would prove able to defraud Schmoigerman, it would be only a matter of time before all 150 quintillion phantom Chassidim of the Admou"r would follow him instead.

Now, with Klara on his side, Reb Mechel was sure he could become the greatest of phantom Admou"rim overnight. However, the first obstacle was that Klara had to become his Rebbetzin, and for this she needed conversion to Judaism, Creedmoor style.

Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - Part 1, Klara, Queen of Gownolec


Clara, or more correctly Klara, Kosinska, was born and grew up in a little village called Gownolec, located about thirty kilometers from Cracow. To this day, Gownolec remains as forlorn and backward as it had been going back to the very days of its establishment by Count Gowniski, a renegade reprobate who basically invited the least favored peasants in Poland to work the land as his slaves.

A forerunner of Creedmoor, the Count would demand 125% of all crops raised in Gownolec as tribute from each peasant, and when this of course could not be paid, he would throw at least one family member into a dungeon where the debtor was compelled to work day and night making defective horseshoes that the Count would sell at a very high profit. When the horse wearing a "Gowno" horseshoe would break a leg, the Count would volunteer to slaughter and dispose of the steed, promising and never delivering a new mount in his place. That in turn often forced the customer into debt, and into residence at Gownolec, where the count had several enterprising ways of making his victims think they were working off their debts. Of course, all the Gownolec residents were doing was providing the Count with free indentured labor.

It was said that Klara was actually a descendant of this Count and not of the simple Gownolec peasants. Even during Communist times she ran several scams which in essence enslaved her neighbors, and she was always protected by the bribes she was able to give to the Communist authorities.

However, Gownolec was a tiny town, and she searched for greater opportunities. As soon as Communism fell, she knew she had to make her way to America, where so many of her sisters now worked as cleaning ladies for the despised Jews whom they had persecuted for generations. And many of these cleaning ladies actually prospered, some by true hard work and the occasional rogue by dint of theft of jewelry, silver and other valuables from their often prosperous employers.

Klara arrived in Brooklyn, and quickly joined the latter cohort. She claimed she was ready to undertake any task, even at the last moment before Shabbos and Yom Tov. And she did work hard, leaving the home spotless - and devoid of quite a few bechers, lechters and other valuables. As she chose only the most prosperous employers, the defalcations were often not noticed for weeks, and since she never returned or gave her proper name to any given employer, little could be done to prosecute her. Since these sophisticated balabustes had insured their silver, and Klara knew better than to steal heirlooms, they were hardly inclined to seek prosecution or even try to discover who had stolen their silver. At best, Klara's victims obtained required police reports for the sake of legitimate insurance collection and never bothered following up with the police as even had they not received their insurance, the loss meant little to them.

Klara succeeded in using her ill gotten gains to open a beauty salon and Polish restaurant in Brooklyn, which she staffed with fellow Gownolec immigrants and ran in Old Gownolec fashion. The enterprises succeeded, but she would simply fire each new employee a day before pay was due and then lend them money at 140% annual interest. Unable to pay, they would be rehired without salary to repay the debt.

However, she knew that America was not Poland. Moreover, Klara realized that one of the homes she had cleaned and relieved of over twenty thousand dollars worth of jewelry belonged to a woman whose husband had immense political contacts. Therefore, she knew she had to lay low for a while.

Being too ambitious and avaricious to ever stop earning money in Count Gowniski fashion, she soon found out about the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor and decided that she had to convert to Judaism under his auspices. After all, no one, Jewish or gentile, except perhaps Bernard Madoff or Sholam Weiss, embodied the spirit of Gownolec and its founder more than the great Admou"r.

(NB: For those who recognize the word Gowno/Gowniski/Gownolec as being similar to its Russian cognate, and therefore scatological in meaning, it should be noted that researchers are unsure as to whether the Count was given the name Gowniski in recognition of the quality of his horseshoes, or whether the word entered the language because of the nature of the Count and his enterprises. This is similar to the debate surrounding the theory of the origin of the word Dreck as being a mispronunciation of the surname of Fat Ralphie, ne Rafael, Dweck, a reprobate Syrian Jewish fence and dealer in shoddy merchandise amidst the mostly Ashkenazi community in the Lower East Side of old).

Michael Jackson, Mourned and Insured by Creedmoor


Posthumous ticket sales are a new sideline for the Admou"r meCreedmoor, but not one he was about to pass up when he heard of the untimely (but perfectly timed as far as the Admou"r was concerned) death of Michael Jackson.

The Admou"r could have cared less about Jackson's musical talent or lack thereof; what attracted him to the singing star was that concerts for his tickets had already been sold and that insurance companies were reimbursing those who lost out because of the singer's demise.

Actually, the Admou"r's erstwhile shaliach, Shmeel Aniloiboiteachboi, had had contacts with Michael Jackson when he was employed by the Admou"r in a failed TV venture called ShekerSearch, in which Aniloiboiteachboi would search out the most obvious and egregious examples of sheker in the world and try to prove that they were really paragons of emes. The venture failed when Aniloiboiteachboi wanted cash rather than food stamps for his participation on the show, and duly embezzled same from advertisers and the Admou"r alike. That was the end of his shlichus, and today he stands on an inverted vegetable crate a few yards from the main gate of Creedmoor and babbles on and on with pseudointellectual attempts to connect Creedmoorer Chassidus to everything and anything in show business and personal relationships.

Nevertheless, this tenuous connection with Jackson was enough for the Admou"r to be able to organize "The First Posthumous Michael Jackson Gala Concert" in Azazel Stadium, Gehennom.

Of course such a stadium existed only for the benefit of his usual cohort of suborned insurance adjusters and incompetent insurance underwriters.

And his network had no problem showing that ten million tickets had been sold for the concert, scheduled for August 32, 2009 and canceled because Jackson had inadvertently been sprayed with acetone by an incompetent embalmer. Since acetone dissolves the plastic resins that had been the dominant component in the performer's enhanced body and face, that meant that in essence Jackson had dissolved and disappeared, making it impossible for any concert to be held in the heat of Gehennom in August where whatever little bit remained would definitely melt.

Results: Ten million tickets at an average price of 300 dollars per ticket, plus promotion costs of thirty two million Gehennom shkolim, exchangeable at the rate of four food stamps to the shekel, were reimbursed by a confederation of worldwide insurance firms to "Schmoigerman Productions, Limited Liability and Unlimited Fraud Company", registered in the Admou"r's own independent republic.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Michael Jeksen Creedmoor Connection - Coming Sunday!


A freakish music star dies while planning fifty concerts. Tickets are already sold. Insurance is reimbursing ticket sellers so that they can in turn reimburse ticket purchasers.

Is there a Creedmoor connection?

Of course!

Is there a substantial insurance payment anywhere in the world without the Admou"r getting a cut? Is there a freak anywhere in the world who does not have at least one personality enrolled in at least one Creedmoorer moisad? Is there a life insurance policy issued on any freak which does not list the Admou"r meCreedmoor as a beneficiary, even if that policy is somehow issued and collected on hours after the death has already been announced?

More coming on Sunday :).

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Preview: Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - The Scam Flick that Almost Suckered the Admou"r Himself!


The abandoned grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital that Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman calls home for reasons of incurable insanity and even more incorrigible avarice are rather dilapidated and in a total state of disarray.

After all, Schmoigerman spends most of his time in Iran, Alcatraz, North Korea, the Palestinian Disarray and any other rogue country that will welcome him, including Berkeley, California whose city rebels against their elders granted him honorary residence this past week.

So, when Clara Kosinzki, a Polish cleaning woman who declared her allegiance to Creedmoor by taking on the first name Cholerye and signing up for welfare in all fifty states despite her illegal alien status, offered to clean the entire grounds of the Schmoigerman compound free of charge, in exchange for being able to make a movie about her exploits, Reb Dovid was only too happy to accept.....

(Come back later in the week for the rest of the plot and the harebrained scheme behind this classic film...)

Admou'r meCreedmoor Offers Ahmadinejad Post as Head of Creedmoor Community Council


The past elections for the Creedmoor Community Council, a body of pure corruption made up of representatives of each of the fifteen quintillion multiple personalities who make up the Creedmoorer community, were more chaotic than usual. No fewer than ten trillion personalities claimed victory for their fifteen million slates, and another forty trillion personalities actually contested the results by placing requests for emergency welfare and heat assistance with the relevant government agencies despite the sweltering heat in Creedmoor this past week.

As always, the Admou"r meCreedmoor was able to propose a solution to the deadlock in his community by offering a real, live person the position of Chief Dictator of the Creedmoor Community Council.

That person is none other than beleaguered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the legally wedded sharia husband of Creedmoorer stalwart Aharon Cohen, and therefore a citizen of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.

Therefore, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman has offered political and insane asylum to Ahmadinejad should he lose his position, or even one or more limbs, to the will of the Iranian people. He has also granted the Iranian president the dictatorship of his community council in the hope that Ahmadinejad will accept and therefore put an end to the stalemates in both Iran and Creedmoor.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Bakooshe Nafshis fin Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Shlit"a


"In celebration of my recent election victory I wish to complete my new Remote Control for my Nuclear Reactor which is of course for Peaceful Purposes Only. However, due to the increasing desire among the public for healthier food without artificial coloring, it is exceedingly difficult for us to obtain the red dyed pistachio shells which we must have to complete the red remote control buttons. We ask the public, and particularly our dear supporters from among the Neturei Karta who clearly have many nut shells available in all colors and with the proper haimishe halal certification, to please mail any red pistachio shells to our Great Satanic address as follows:"

Un-American Friends of the Destruction of the Zionist Entity
Creedmoorer Beis Medrash and Coin-op Money Laundry, Saddle River Road
Ir HaKodesh Monsey
Hymie State, The Great Satan Even When Ruled by Barack Hussein Obama, 10000

Thank you and may you be rewarded for your chessed with more and more nuts, as well as bolts and anything else you are missing in this world and the next.

Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Teheran, Iran
Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Creedmoor, Queens

Cohen: My segeela got Mahmoud the election


Interviewed in his Manchester congregation "Khal Uber u'Botul", Rabbi Aharon Cohen, Ambassador to Iran on behalf of the Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred and Extreme anti-Zionism of Creedmoor, revealed his secret segeela which he claims was the reason for the success of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the recent Iranian elections:

"I give to Mahmoud zeyr spetzial a segeela! I mach far em tefillin mit der verses fin der Koran inside. From where I am gettink dem? Fin myne chaver Mohammed's a cab, he keeps dem on hiz deshboard for good luck. I see what Mohammed is managink to charge me triple for a short ride fin myne home to myne basement every day and it must be a gitte segile!"

Cohen is forced to take a cab from his own home to his own basement (accessible only from the rear entrance) due to his increasing age, long since encroached senility, and his fear of being bombarded with a quantity of eggs sufficient to feed the entire Royal Navy.

His faithful driver, Mohammed, is a native of Baluchistan and a member of "British Friends of the Taliban".

Schmoigerman: 80 trillion votes for Ahmadinejad


It has become very apparent that the recent resounding victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the Iranian national elections was the work of none other than the absentee Chief Rabbi of Iran, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman.

In exchange for the position of Minister of Entitlement Program Fraud in the next Ahmadinejad government, as well as the exclusive franchise to market Farschimelt Kokosh Cake, Schmoigerman enlisted no less than 80 trillion of his phantom personalities to vote for Ahmadinejad in the highly contested elections.

It has also been rumored that Schmoigerman and Ahmadinejad confidant Rabbi Aharon Cohen, of the Community of Complete Excommunication of Manchester, England and known as the Chyremer Rov, will be appointed Iranian Ambassador to the Fictitious Entity of Palestine, as well as Chief Nuclear Explosion Test Subject of the Most Exalted Nuclear Program of the "An Islamic Pistachio is Much Smaller than a Central American Banana Republic of Iran".

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Very Not Creedmoor E-book


I am proud to present The Faithful of the One by Nissan Davidi,

The Faithful of the One is the story of an old and distinguished Sefardi family, with branches throughout the world. Some are hidden Jews who return to their roots upon the discovery of their Jewish connection, and many members of the family are baalei tshuva who have returned to Torah after leading adventurous lives.

It can be obtained directly at http://www.abillionshouts.com/ebook

A new Creedmoor post will be up within the next 48 hours as soon as I regain my insanity.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Attention all you pervs and sickos!


Well, I see that quite a few of you got here by searching for the title of a planned film that is about a girl with the same first name as the unfortunate Miss Landau who is the protagonist of the Creedmoorer tznius play. Bad news, guys. I am no fan of that kind of stuff and I have had a runin with the schmendrick behind the planned chilul Hashem and disgusting toeva on another site already.

I want to tell you right off that I am not one of you pervs and sickos and not one bit like the sick individual who is behind that film and other sick nonsense that is going on in the online and now the real world frum community. Far from it. I do push the envelope here a bit, but I do it by exposing the seamy underbelly of the community that you pervs, like the Creedmoorer fraudsters, are a part of. And I've got you covered, to put it mildly.

But, since at the end of the day, I am here to have fun, I will soon tell all of you, my loyal clean haimish fun seekers who support my social criticism through satire as well as you sick pervs out there in the mikve steam rooms, about the new Creedmoorer movie...and how you, too, can become both an investor and a star in the one and only Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor......

See everyone next Sunday 22 Sivan with the plot line and reviews of the great new flick in which Cholerye, a graduate of the Porkois Oyl Seminary for Wayward Girls, tries to defraud none other than the Admou'r herself by trying to get him involved in a series of zany investment scams that would make Bernard Madoff blush and add another few centuries or millennia to Reb Sholam Weiss's jail term!

And of course we'll even let you in as a privileged investor who can get a package of shares in a guaranteed flop that far surpasses anything Mel Brooks ever dreamed up for the Producers, both as far as flop potential and percentages well exceeding 100% are concerned!

(Newsflash: The Nigerian Board of Exalted 419 Scammers has advised its members NOT to invest in Cholerye Cleans Creedmoor - that is how guaranteed the movie is to gross far less than will ever be invested in it...or will the Admou"r manage to wrangle a profit out of it at Cholerye's expense....we shall see next Sunday!)

87,679,098 Souls Resurrected After Epidemic in Creedmoor!


It has indeed been confirmed that 87,679,098 souls were resurrected Friday morning in Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, also known as "Perud Kehillos Anshei Domim veMirmo and Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor".

However, what is remarkable about this apparent miracle performed by the renowned Admou"r meCreedmoor of dubious repute and low moral character is that each entity was registered for every imaginable Federal and State entitlement program, and that each identity was shown as owning huge swaths of residential and commercial property in latitudes and longitudes that show as being in the Atlantic Ocean.

And the mystery grows deeper, as each resurrected soul has a slightly different name than it had before its death certificate was issued for "Schmoigerman Influenza type BBA89C" or "Acute Dutch Elm Disease, Human Variant". Never mind that neither disease is known to most clinicians, but the discrepancies in the new birth certificates do not back up the claim of resurrection made by the Creedmoor spiritual leader, whose own registered name of Dovid Schmoigerman does not match any birth certificate.

A Federal investigator informed us that there is only one explanation for the latest phenomenon. Fraud.

And Schmoigerman, proclaimed clinically insane in the US and recognized as the leader of an independent country by the EU, is not prosecutable.

On the other hand, the Obama administration will now have an excuse to print even more money and increase the scope of the stimulus plan, for there are now 87,679,098 more people registered for welfare programs. In addition, while some of the victims of the epidemic were originally registered with ages as low as four months, all of the resurrected souls are of voting age now or will be in 2010 or 2012.

Therefore, we can expect no investigation whatsoever by the Obama administration. In fact we have confirmed that various emergency subsidies are being transferred to the accounts of these resurrected souls at present, with regular monthly subsidy payments to commence at the beginning of July.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

NEWSFLASH: Obama to Thank Schmoigerman for Making the US A Muslim Country


NEWSFLASH (Bubbamayses Press Agency for Der Shygetz):


When I told whoever was obtuse enough to believe me that the US is a large Muslim country, it was because thirty five billion Muslims, more than the entire world Muslim population, have been added to the welfare rolls of the US by none other than a Chassidic Jewish rabbi, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a major advocate for the destruction of the Zionist state who was my campaign manager among those who, like him, suffer from multiple voter personality syndrome.

Not only was it Schmoigerman and his double voters who gained me the election, but his followers, men with names like Gimpel Mujahir al-Islam and women boasting such multiculturally ideal names as Fatima Friedman, show the true multicultural nature of our democratic society, where I, like your president Mubarak, can be guaranteed 90% of the prison and mental patient vote thanks to the great work of men like Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor.....

The Final Toll of the Schmoigerman Flu and Dutch Elm Disease Epidemic...


87,679,098 souls expired during the recent combined epidemic of the mysterious Schmoigerman Flu along with Dutch Elm Disease in the Beis Pesha veResha and Machon leRishus schools run by Chassidus Creedmoor.....

and no sooner did each one give up the spark of life that he or she was resurrected by the Admou"r.

Is the Admou"r really a baal moifes of an order no one has ever seen before? Or is the secret to his ness revealed by the fact that each resurrected neshomo returned to the world with a slight difference in the spelling of his or her surname?

More on 15 Sivan (this coming Sunday) when we return...

Monday, June 01, 2009

See everyone on 15 Sivan


Creedmoor will return on 15 Sivan (Sunday 14 June or 78978 Av 5708 in Creedmoorer notation), barring any breaking news.

For now, it is our pleasure to inform you that the 7000 centrifuges which Mad Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have are actually defective washing machines provided to him by Schmoigerman Appliance and Refrigeration, one of the many defective and fraudulent firms registered to the Admou"r meCreedmoor's various personalities.

Schmoigerman plans to finance Ahmadinejad in a laundromat venture (for money or shirts is the question) when Mad Mahmoud is forced to flee and is accepted as a refugee by the Obama administration. Of course, the plan is that many furious Iranians in LA will gang up and throw Mad Mahmoud in one of the washing machines and throw in enough detergent to dissolve the dirt and slime that makes up the very essence of Mad Mahmoud.

That of course will leave Schmoigerman the full and sole owner of the venture, which he will use to literally launder currency and food stamps until he runs out of multiple personalities which will be far later than Iran runs out of oil.