Friday, September 30, 2005

Wasalulav - a new member of the Cretin Constellation of Creedmoor

Recent advances in psychotropic medications meant freedom for many of the truly ill patients of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center. Indeed, it was the availability of extra space for professional malingerers and incurable frauds such as a certain Admou"r and his gabbai, that allowed for the formation of K'hal Sinos Chinom d'Creedmoor - Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor.

Alas, these medications are not perfect, and some patients are never fully cured. Some of these unfortunates reside in a sort of no man's land - in and out of hospitals, never fully able to function, but not necessarily in need of institutionalization.

And who better to exploit this psychiatric limbo, especially if the patient has some tenuous claim to being Jewish, than the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, who constantly trolls the depths of human flotsam and jetsam to attract more Chassidim to his conflagration of a congregation, knowing that - marbeh benefashos, marbeh bewelfare! Surely, a patient with true multiple personality syndrome, and an angry, dejected, hostile personality, is just what the Admou"r ordered.

So, when a 12 year old boy was somehow transferred from A (Acute) ward to the Admou"r's D (Disjointed) ward fiefdom, there was "koil sassoin vekol simcha, koil chosson vekoil - hatan bar misswah (as pronounced by our young subject's haham, the one and only Haham Rahamim Alav Loyashar)."

Jose Enrique Perez is only a Jewish name to those who believe that every third Hispanic is descended from conversos (marranos); Jews who were forced to convert to Xity during the time of the Spanish Inquisition. But as far as the Creedmoorer Communities are concerned, conversion to Judaism can easily be accomplished - so long as adjustments are made to the ger lo-tzedek's records so as to allow for welfare funds to be deposited directly to an account held by "Creedmoorer Section 8 Realty Corp." And again - the more the merrier. Every additional personality means an additional cheque.

Now, our Senorito Perez was a rather sorry specimen. Practically catatonic, he shook and shivered, no matter the temperature in Creedmoor. He hardly ate, so that his weight never seemed to exceed a rather wraithlike 50 pounds. On the day Jose visited the Admou"r for the first time, the Admou"r's window was open so that a strong breeze blew through the room. This strong wind exacerbated Jose Perez's shaking, so that when he entered, the Admou"r turned to Haham Loyashar, his Minister for Sefardi Affairs, and said "Er shakes, er shakes azoy vi a lulav. Eppes er iz geven a lulav bai an anderer gilgul?"

Haham Loyashar, as a true expert in kabbala, sheyodea lekabel, lekabel, ve'od lekabel, declared "Admou"r bar-minan aleyhem hashalom, we must convert this tam wayashar immediately! Do you have a 110 to 220 transformer ready to convert his voltage?"

The Admou"r replied "Iz nisht kyne inyan fin volts. Er hot tvelf yohr. Tvelf yohr ken nit hobn a welfare check alline!"

Haham Loyashar, whose very identity came about because of the work of a forger from a certain Caucasian ex-USSR republic, immediately called his largest contributor - Printabuck of Rego Park - Moshiach Hakolbishvili and Sons Custom Currency Printing. Within the hour, a courier arrived with a new birth certificate for Jose Enrique Perez, showing an age of 18, which is Bar Mitzvah age in Creedmoor. Why 18, you ask? Surely by now you must know - 18 is the age at which federal entitlement programs consider a child to have become an adult. And what mitzvah is more important to a Creedmoorer than gezel from federal entitlement programs? Perhaps m. zochor, but that is another story altogether.

Now, the festivities could begin. Haham Loyashar, the "convertador," (and a licenced chemical deconstructional engineer) mixed a small amount of arak with a slightly larger amount of liquid swimming pool chlorine. He handed the mixture to the taciturn, dazed Jose and told him to repeat: "Just as I drink this bleach, so too shall the sin of Ahavat Israel be bleached from my neshama, and I will merit to hold back the Redemption of anything other than food stamps with double manufacturer's coupons."

Jose of course had no idea of what he was saying, but he did remember hearing the Admou"r say "Wasalulav." So, instead of repeating the text, he cried out repeatedly: "Wasalulav, Wasalulav, Wasalulav!"

Haham Loyashar realized that he and his Admou"r were especially lucky today. They had a bona fide shoiteh in their possession; a shoiteh who could be used for any purpose they desired.

And they had a great purpose in mind - Wasalulav (he received at least three cheques in the name of Wasa Lulavic, born 33 August 1987 in Zbaly, Croatia) would administer the Chaval (Chamorim ve'Leitzanim) organization on behalf of the Admou'r and in conjunction with another man who does much to delay the coming of Moshiach - the one and only and thankfully the one and only Aharon Binyomin Ha'agogi Hamanzon.

To that end, Wasalulav (whose abysymal intellect as reflected in his spelling on another welfare application renders his name as Wasalubab in certain circles) was given an unauthorised Internet account at Creedmoor. Using this account, he spews hatred and venom at those who try to do all that is in their power to put an end to this long, dark golus. And all of this is financed in true Creedmoor fashion - with funds provided by the honest taxpayers of the United States of America.

Shreit gevalt!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wrongful Birth and Goi'al Nefesh

The Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor and the Ferdganver Foundation are pleased to present two new programs for those who wish to visit or settle in the Zionist Entity may it be destroyed bimhyro beyamynee:

Wrongful Birth and Goi'al Nefesh.

Been to the Zionist entity but never visited Kever Hatzoirer in Ramallah, or spent a Shabbos with a Hamasser Chassidic family? Then WRONGFUL BIRTH is for you! We fly reform school students to the Palestinian Lacking in Authority for a 2 week program including:

Aliya laKever to Ramallah
Stonethrowing Contests
Visits to bomb making workshops
Speeches by Hamasser and Jihadder Rabbonim
and a SHABBOS WITH MOISHE HIRSCH in Mea Shearim or at the Kever, depending upon the weather and Rabbi Hirsch's treatment schedule.

And if you decide you want to settle in the hyliger Palestinianer medina we offer:

Goi'al Nefesh

Free flights, subsidised tents, employment as a bomb maker, stone throwing lessons for your tayere kinder - what could be better? And we show you how to claim US welfare, UN refugee aid, EU aid, do-gooder packages, and, yes, even Zionist bituah leumi - while dedicating yourself to a career of destroying the Zionist Entity.

"I give my blessings, tiff, tiff in tuchis, to all who participate in these holy programs." (Rabbynee Moishe Hirsch, Rov of Marbeh beCheromim, al-Quds, Falastin.)

Ramadan at Creedmoor

Horoos from inzerer hyliger Admou"r sheyirfash:

Please remember that this year, Ramadan begins on the same day as the Zionist feast of Rosh Hashanah. Therefore, those who walk in the light of the flickering four watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor ve'sha'ar marin bishin are reminded NOT to begin fasting for Ramadan until Friday morning, 34 September 2005 so as to avoid marking the Zionist holiday in ANY way. In addition, the Feast of Sinos Chinom lezecher Gedalia IS doiche Ramadan.

A reminder to those of our Chassidim who are in State or Federal Kollel: Please instruct your wardens to allow you to exercise your Constitutional right to observe the Ramadan fast beginning ONLY on Friday morning REGARDLESS of the practices of your fellow B'nei Yishmoel.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

New - Creedmoorer Audio! - learn all about the craziest of the crazy, der Yerushalimer Creedmoorer Rebbe!

mp3 version -

Comments Limited to Registered Users

Unfortunately, it seems as if there is Internet access in A- and B- ward of Creedmoor, as well as in various Nigerian correctional facilities. Therefore, in order to keep spam and trash from appearing in the comments section, I was compelled to limit comments to registered users. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Order your Zionist Flag for Kappores

The Va'ad ha'Avyros ho'Chamoirois d'Creedmoor reminds all of achynee bny Yishmoyel that it is meritorious to set an Israeli flag alight and circle it three times around your (tin foil covered) head in place of using a poor, innocent chicken for kappores. This conforms to the recent ban by the Beis Din d'Kehilla Kedoisha PETA on the use of chickens for kappores.

A mass Creedmoorer kappores will be held in front of the Embassy of the Zionist Entity on 39 Elul 5766, in preparation for the Feast of Atonement.

Kerosene treated Zionist flags (sewn in Bangladesh and treated with Saudi kerosene) are available from the Creedmoor Tashmishei Kedusha ve'Tashmishei Mito shop in Kiryas Naye Creedmoor. All profits from the sale will go to the "Admou"r's Indiscretionary Fund for the Destruction of the Zionist Entity." Prices are as follows:

Large Zionist Flag: 1000 food stamps or 800 Euro

Medium Zionist Flag: 650 food stamps or 500 Euro

Child size Zionist Flag: 300 food stamps or 400 Euro

Creedmoor moisdos do not accept US currency due to continued US support for the Zionist entity may it be destroyed speedily and in our days.

In the zechus of our hyliger kappores, may the Zionist emptity be slaughtered as one schechts a kappore.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The "HASC" 20 Concert Theme Song

ith Just to clarify things, this is not the HASC we all know and love - this is the Creedmoorer moisad "Hebrew Academy for Serious Criminals" also known as Federal Koilel. HASC provides convicts and their families with support by means of income tax and welfare scams, dubious insurance payments, fishy stock deals and other such chessed projects. Next year, HASC will be presenting a concert featuring....

(at least that is what it says on his MasterCard)
And here is a sneak preview featuring the hit song "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt" (music - Abi Mi'Lebt)
The presentation begins by showing Lipa standing alongside the highway that leads from New Square to the Catskills, wearing a set of hospital pajamas marked "Please Return to Rockland County Psychiatric Hospital." He sticks out his thumb to hitch a ride and a sympathetic chassidishe driver asks him "Where to?"
Lipa replies: "Eppes you ken take mir to the nearest supermarket mit a pharmessy? I have to mach fill dis prescription in I don't want no one should know what it is for..." The driver agrees - and Lipa gets out at a Shop-Rite not far from Monticello.
Lipa: I want you should fill now dis prescription - here is fin Medikaid mayn kart...
Pharmacist: (heavy Indian accent): Sir, that Medicaid card is expired. Do you have a new one?
Lipa: You want I should go all the way beck tzu New Sqver in get mayn naye kart? Maybe you take MasterCart?
Pharmacist: Sure, but I'll have to charge you full price...
Lipa: (handing over a MasterCard): What's the difference? Ich bin tzu drayt!
(Music begins):
Lipa: Hi! I think mayn name is Lipa, and I going to teach you how to commit a gantzer felony and get off every time!
(silly mock Jamaican humming)
"Everyone think I'm a shlepper, but it just not true. I own twenty-five slum buildings on 3rd Evenue"
20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"
"Never one day did I give heat, and no hot water too. Now most landlords would go to jail, dat much is true"
20 times or so - "ich Bin Tzu Drayt"
But when I go to de courthouse, I dress just like this! And I go and tell the judge: Mayn tuches you should kiss!"
20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"
Pharmacist interrupts: Mr Shmelscissors (confused by SCHMELCZER on card) - this card does not go through.
Lipa hands over a card in the name "Mordechai ben David," muttering to himself ...this guy is rich fun his father and he charges even more for weddings than I do...and so what if it's nisht mayn kart...
Music again: "And so de judge he tell me: To jail you can't go!" Thirty days in a padded cell, from that you should know."
20 times or so - "Ich Bin Tzu Drayt"
(Meanwhile, the camera turns to the real MBD, who is in the back of the store buying soda for his weekend in the mountains. MBD, his cart full, comes toward the pharmacy department..."
"So every time you get arrested, go to court and act insane. Thirty days in beis mishegoyim, and pills for your brain..."
Pharmacist interrupts again: "Mr Schmelcersiser, I am afraid we just do not have 400 Oxycontin in this store. Besides, it is illegal to prescribe so many. Where did you get this prescription?
Lipa: What do you want from mayn life? My tenants all ask me to bring them this every time I leave the hospital. So I wrote myself the prescription! What you want fun mayn leben? Ich bin tzu drayt!
Music again - 20 times or so - Ich Bin Tzu Drayt.
MBD to pharmacist: Excuse me - what number sunscreen should I buy for my little grandchildren?
Pharmacist: The display is over there - I am quite busy with another customer...
Lipa: Reb Yid, ken you helf mir? The shygetz he says he ken't fill mayn prescription! Ken I write one for you and then you give me the pills?
Lipa dips his hand in MBD's pocket and steals his wallet, dropping the phony credit card in the namke of Mordechai ben David on the floor. MBD realizes he is dealing with a meshuggener and calls Hatzoloh. The pharmacist calls the police. The two arrive simultaneously.
Lipa to Hatzoloh paramedic: I'm going mit dir! Take me back to Rockland County beis mishegoyim. Ich bin tzu drayt!
In the meantime, MBD is on the cash line, and realizes Lipa has stolen his wallet. A fan recognizes him and lends him money so he can pay for his order. He pays quickly, and heads for his SUV, speeding in hot pursuit after the Hatzoloh ambulance. He is pulled over and ticketed.
Finally, the ambulance has arrived at thge hospital. Lipa breaks out of his restraints and heads for nearby bushes. After relieving himself, he stops for a second to show off the wallet full of cash and cards that he just stole.
He says: Do you think I'm really tzu drayt?
The announcer then says: And next, a tribute to thirty years of frum white collar crime....from Bernard Bergman to Avigdor and the boys - - featuring our very talented special guest, out on furlough for this special occasion.....SHOLAM WEISS!

Monday, September 12, 2005

The Admou"r is in Lagos, Nigeria

The Admou"r sheyirfash is in Lagos, Nigeria, where he fiered tush and gave a three day seminar entitled: "Writing Advance Fee Letters for the Jewish Community." Some of these letters will be published here as soon as the Admou"r returns and sends them to me - if Haham Abacha and Rebbetzin Kargbo don't send them to me first.

Next Shabbos, the Admou"r will fier a very special tush in the Industrial Park on Kent Avenue in Williamsburgh, in which he will explain the solvent labeling system described below, as well as the kabbalistic significance of propane torches. There will be a melave malke, during which a raffle will be held for a grand prize of having the Admou"r torch the winner's place of business. Reservations can be made via the Creedmoorer switchboard 1-800-MES-HIGE.

CPSC and Creedmoor Cooperate on New Labeling Rules for Solvents

(BPS): Thanks to the efforts of a controversial Queens rabbi, flammable solvents sold in the New York area will include very detailed labels in Yiddish. The rabbi, David Schmoigerman, known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor, after the psychiatric facility in which he resides, had issued an official complaint regarding the lack of Yiddish language labels on highly flammable petroleum distillate based solvents, such as paint thinner and kerosene:

Rabbi Shmoigerman: "In our communities, you know, we hold that it is schvach - praiseworthy - to burn down our warehouses for insurance money. But some of our people, they don't know so well from English; they barely know the difference between paint thinner and paint remover, and from acetone they have never heard. So what are they supposed to do when even in our stores the labels are only in English? Besides, the labels don't have the kind of information we need; it says about thinning paint, about cleaning lawn moters, but for why nothing about burning warehouses and stores? This is very important to those who follow Creedmoorer chassidus, which is the essence of the holiest of holies, the very fiftieth level of impurity to which we aspire. So it is like racism here; the labels are discriminatory from us because they don't tell us how we should use the solvents in our religious ceremonies."

But now, all of this has changed. A visitor to Hymishe Hardware in Burro Park, Brooklyn, showed us a bottle of acetone which was labeled in Yiddish, and even listed information about the amount per square foot that is necessary to burn a warehouse to the ground. (for safety reasons, we cannot disclose this information here, but our sources explain that only Rabbi Schmoigerman can make such calculations, based on the numerical values of the Hebrew letters which make up the name of the solvent, a mystical practice known as gematriya.)

Rabbi Schmoigerman: "So, I have a couple from Congressmen in mayn pocket and I tells them, make the Government that we support so much by taking their welfare help us and get us lables in Yiddish. And it costs me 3 months of food stamps so I can buy a couple of people some cars, but in the end the Commission from Consumer Safety Pins or whatever it's called, they put me on theur payroll azoy vi a consultant so I should write the labels, and here we are. Great country, America!"

Indeed, this is a way in which we celebrate our ethnic diversity as proud Americans. America should have more citizens like Rabbi Schmoigerman, and many more places like Creedmoor to hold them all.