Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mickey the Machloikes Man


Like a Chicago housing project where even police do not dare to tread, D-ward was rendered off limits for the interim director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, a young Russian born, American trained psychiatrist named Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman. Dr Khaitman, whose temporary assignment was conferred upon him as a condition for having accepted a scholarship to medical school, was warned by the largely Admou"r-suborned staff that D-ward was considered an independent country, and since it had no relations with the United States, Dr Khaitman could not travel there with his US passport. As Dr Khaitman was a refugee who had left his native S Petersburg during Communist times, he did not want to risk citizenship issues, and he knew full well that the Admou"r was not on the official treatment roster, so he had no reason or desire to visit the abandoned husk of a building that housed the Creedmoorer rabbinical court and all of its phantom followers.

However, this all changed one fine spring morning when he heard a loud, off tune, rendition of a familiar tune coming from the D-ward exercise yard, which was within earshot of his open window.

The tune was an old camp song going back to his first summer in America, when 11 year old Yevgeny Moiseevich Khaitman became Yehuda ben Moshe ha-Levi, thanks to the warm welcome he received at a camp for Russian immigrant boys that was part of the worldwide Camp Machane Yaakov movement. From that beginning, Yehuda went on to a Jewish day school and after a period of questioning in college and medical school, became a fully observant Torah Jew, close to but perhaps not a true member of the Chassidic movement that sponsored the camp.

Never much of a music fan, Dr Khaitman could not remember the actual words that fit the familiar tune. But one thing was for sure, the lyrics did not even remotely resemble what he heard, to (nit)wit: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I stir up strife wherever I can. Whatever I don't agree with I want to ban. I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man".

He had also never heard it accompanied to the sound of a small, rotund, gnomelike man banging his head against the worn padding of the burnt out shell of what had been the D-ward dayroom, before the Admou"r burned it down for insurance purposes.

Dr Khaitman asked the little man, whose name he assumed was Mickey: "What are you doing here? You don't look like a Chossid of any sort; seems you don't like us too much but are you really looking to meet the Admou"r meCreedmoor? He's in Alcatraz this week or maybe he's in Iran or Saudi Arabia for all I know...or in some beis boshes in Paris...."

Mickey replied: "What do you mean! That song is pure kefira and has no business being sung with the real words, which are "Dear Rebbe, we love you so. Why did you leave us, we do not know." And my mission is to destroy kefira wherever I can by spreading machloikes between Yidden, all in the name of my new brand of pop mussar that I teach to everyone who pays any attention to me, which is 6 weirdos just like me and a couple of goyim."

"Mussar? Well, I consider myself a Chossid of the Rebbe, but I know what mussar is, and what you are preaching is not mussar in yeshivish, but mussor in Russian. And whichever way you look at it, you are trespassing, because either this is Creedmoor and you have no pass for here, or this is the Admou"r's independent territory and he doesn't let anyone visit without paying him food stamps for a kvittel. Why are you here?"

"Oh, well, I got lost looking for the outpatient treatment center. Check your records, not that I trust anyone who went to Camp Machane Yaakov and knows the kefira songs to deal with my situation. My name is Michael Steinberg, but since my name is Mee-cha-e-l everyone calls me Mickey the Machloikes Man."

However, when Dr Khaitman requested politely that Mickey follow him back into the main building where he would find the patient records and assign him to the proper specialist, he protested:

"Really, I want to join this K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin! It sounds right up my alley - sinas chinam and machloikes go hand in hand! I saw the sign from the window when I came in and I had to check it out!"

"Mickey, I would think you had realized by now that this congregation does NOT exist! Goldman, Schmoigerman or whatever his name is got himself committed here on a phoney diagnosis and uses it to commit federal entitlement program fraud on a massive scale! We can't stop him because of all kinds of civil rights laws that keep me from finding out in one split second that Schmoigerman is not a psychiatric patient. And even if I did that, the guy declared an independent republic here and got EU and UN recognition, so go figure. We're not even supposed to be here but Schmoigerman is away and no one will see us."

"But I want to meet the Admou"r. I am looking for someone who will appreciate my gadlus in Torah and my dedication to stopping the tide of kefira that is enveloping all who do not study my pop mussar, especially the Wiccans I teach it to for a few bucks!"

"Mickey, I think Dr Prasad Bakri Patel in the Outpatient Treatment and Analysis Department would like to have a few mussar sessions with you! One moment please while I call him!"

Dr Khaitman took out his cellphone and called the admitting clerk in Outpatient, herself a Russian immigrant. Translated from Russian, the conversation went something like this:

"Irina, listen, I have one I need Patel to take care of. He's actually trespassing and I can have security handle him, but he's one of ours and I think he really needs help!"

"Yevgeny Moiseevich, listen, Patel is busy; the crazy rabbi asked him to certify 100,000 outpatients and send the information to Medicare."

"Irina, that is called ILLEGAL ACTIVITY and I have only one more month here and I don't care if you, or he, or anyone else there gets caught on these rabbi scams. You want to do that kind of garbage (mussor), go right ahead and do it when I AM NOT AROUND because you work for ME right now and so does Patel! I want Michael Steinberg scheduled for outpatient consultation in FIVE minutes!"


Meanwhile, Steinberg heard the word mussor, which as alluded to before, is the Russian word for garbage.

"They learn mussar? They want to learn mussar with me????? I'll gladly show them how pop mussar has no problems with avoida zoro so long as they are against the kefira of Chassidus!"

"Mickey, you and they don't know Reb Yisroel Salanter zichroino levrocho from a hole in the wall! Irina's mother is not Jewish and Patel is a Hindu turned Sikh turned Creedmoorer because he's in on every scam that Schmoigerman ever cooked up!"

"Well, that's OK! My version of mussar has more to do with Budhuism than anything and so long as they are not Chassidim and acknowledge that I and my teacher, Alley Moronnos, are the leading masters of mussar today, I'll take them as students!"

Before Khaitman could start laughing, his phone rang:

"Yehuda, sholom aleichem" his rabbi greeted him: "Aleichem sholom" came the reply. After inquiring as to each other's welfare (not to be confused with welfare cheques, which neither one receives), Rabbi Mendy Eisenman continued: "Remember I asked you whether you saw who was coming in and stealing all the chassidus leaflets in shul erev Shabbos? Well, he is actually on his way to Creedmoor; he's a New Yorker originally and he was picked up doing the same thing in Flatbush! Mickey something...."

"Really! I've got him then! He's not committable but I am trying to get him over to outpatient; he was banging his head over in the Gonover Rebbe's chotzeir!!!!"

"Well, see if you can put him away or at least get him into treatment. He's a pathetic case; not dangerous but a real pest. He leaves all kinds of messages about Moronous Mussar conferences..."

"Yep, that's my man! Thanks! Zait gezunt - see you tonight at the farbrengen im irtze Hashem"!

With that, Mickey, who overheard the conversation, became quite indignant: "A koifer and an oived avoido zoro has no neemanus! You CANNOT take me for treatment! I am the only voice of true Judaism left on the planet and I have six true followers!"

"Mickey, well, it seems that somewhere in this bureaucratic mess is an order requesting your treatment, because trespass as you just committed yet again, combined with destruction of private property, are misdemeanors, and I'd be happy to ask Rabbi Mendy if I can call the cops and have you arrested..."

Mickey realized he was cornered, and followed the doctor to the outpatient clinic, where Dr Prasad Patel, wearing an aluminum Sikh turban that was said to be filled with EBT cards, awaited the duo:

"Prasad, get that tin foil off your head NOW! This is NOT crazy rabbi time. He's away and you just might also get sent away! This guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur and possible paranoid schizophrenia. And like you, he's a grade three pest! See what you can do! C-200 is empty if he needs to stay overnight!"

Dr Khaitman then returned to his office and left the mussar scholar with his equally authentic Sikh counterpart.....

To be continued on Nitel Nacht Beis (6 January 2008). This is based on the ramblings of a perennial pest and self appointed scholar on a well known Jewish forum.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Coming Up on (one or the other) Nitel Nacht - Mickey the Machloikes Man


Dr Eugene Yehuda Khaitman, whose three year tenure as Interim Medical Director of Creedmoor Psychiatric Institute was about to end, rarely ventured into D-ward. He knew full well that he was powerless to correct the institutionalized corruption that had allowed the Admou"r to establish a fiefdom, nay, a veritable independent country, in the fetid abandoned buildings and exercise yards of the abandoned, closed, and forlorn ward.

But when Dr Khaitman heard the familiar sounds of a Camp Machane Yaakov song that he had learned to sing back when he was a new camper of 13 and had had his first Jewish experience since having arrived from Russia earlier that year, his curiosity got the better of him.

And when he heard a strange little fellow banging his head against the padded wall of D-3 Dayroom to the tune of the old camp song, he decided he had to meet this unfortunate soul.

Finally, when the doctor heard that the words being sung were not the originals but rather: "I'm Mickey the Machloikes Man, I create strife whenever I can", he wondered if the performer was an outpatient who had found out about the Admou"r and decided to join K'hal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin because he was attracted to the name, not knowing that it was a front for gross welfare and entitlement program fraud as opposed to a congregation which really did preach strife and divisiveness between Jews.

To be continued on either 24 December or 6 January depending on community practices when Nitel coincides with Chanukah.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Ve ha'ir Creedmoor tzohalo vesomeicho...


The Creedmoor Nation is here, and it is all of America.

Indeed, the Admou"r meCreedmoor and his real life followers, the dregs who, for social reasons, hang on to and infect the haimishe community while they have no connection with Torah values, and who indeed are suspected of committing offenses similar to the ones depicted here, are celebrating because they know that an Obama presidency means more opportunities to bilk the welfare system.

And Ahmadinejad, the Naye Homon, was fast to congratulate Obama on his victory.

So, Creedmoor ze kan, or kol ha'aretz Creedmoor.

But it is not necessarily a laughing matter, and America must right itself or accept a position far from its previous role as the leading nation of the world.

While Creedmoor will open from time to time, especially in Adar and during civil vacation time, most of my satire will now be directed at Obama and at the moral, social and ethical decay that allowed him to rise to his present position.

I want to welcome Creedmoor fans to

While I intend to do my best to remain within the boundaries that are laid out for me by Torah, it will be a bit rougher than Creedmoor as it is not intended for a Jewish audience. Think of a Chassidish Rush Limbaugh or Bob Grant and you will have an idea of what I am up to; if it is too rough for some I fully understand, especially as I intend not to censor anything other than blatant vulgarity. Even Holocaust deniers will have their say, but in a special section where the rest of us can let off some steam by telling these morons exactly what they are.

So, check out if you dare. But if it is too rough and tumble for you, I understand; it is not a Jewish or Chassidic site and I can only get the message across by pushing the envelope a bit (and it's also the only way I can make the site pay for itself!)

If Obamabberation is not your speed, then there is for more serious Chassidic thought.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Please Send Ahmadinejad A Letter


As I wind down the Creedmoor Chassidus blog, it has come to my attention that Iran is soon to be without a Chief Rabbi and that unfortunately, everyone's first choice, Moshe Aryeh Friedman, was rejected as unfit for said post (perhaps because he is Ahmadinejad's Conservatively lawfully and gaily wedded spouse, or perhaps because he will soon be appointed to the leadership of the Shia mosque in Vienna that the Islamic Republic is about to establish in the Vienna sewer system thereby enabling Friedman to teach his version of whatever it is that he believes to his fellow sewer rats).

However, Iran need not despair as another candidate is ready, willing and able. He is Ephraim "Luftgesheftige Luftmensch" Luft, the great sage (rosemary and thyme) who is trying to institute a wide sweeping ban on music that would leave everyone listening to old 78 RPM records of Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt.

Therefore, this desteemed Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas B'nei Taliban d'Chunyok - Kiryas Merkaz HaSharia is a perfect candidate for Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio is Not Even As Big as A Banana Republic of Iran. We urge all who follow in the flickering four watt bulb, now reduced to one watt because the Admou"r cannot exchange his food stamps for Lehman Brothers shares, of Chassidus Creedmoor to please copy and paste the following letter and send it to The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

-------------------------------begin here---------------------------------------------
The Rightfully Dishonored and Shameful Jendeholislam Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Kharkosdeh Administration Building
0-0 Teheran Iran.

Dear Jendeholislam Ahmadinejad:

As fellow travelers in your quest to remove the Zionist state from the map of time, we wish to bring to your attention an ideal candidate for the desteamed post of Chief Rabbi of the Pistachio Is Not Even as Big as a Banana Islamic Republic of Iran.

His name is Grand Rabbi Ephraim Luft, and he is noted for his ability to reconcile sharia law with Judaism especially when it comes to banning any form of remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment. However, as it seems that your lawfully Conservatively wedded spouse Imam Moshe Aryeh Friedman cannot be appointed to provide you with remotely enjoyable Jewish entertainment of a type that is forbidden by Jewish law, we believe that Rabbi Luft is an equally worthy substitute.

Like Rabbi Friedman, Rabbi Luft is so ludicrous in his extremism as to be entertaining, and his attempt to remove perfectly acceptable Jewish albums from store shelves is as realistic and welcomed as the attempt by His Most Shamed and Dishonored Mr Ahmadinejad to remove the Zionist entity from the map.

In addition, Rabbi Luft, who is at present a resident of said entity which is about to be obliterated from the map, may be able to actually locate this benighted polity on a world map or even on a globe. In addition, he may be skilled enough to properly guide your most oxidized and nobly superannuated chain saw so that the befouled Jendeholslam Ahmadinejad does not amputate the one final digit that remains on his left hand after your many failed attempts to excise the entity from said map.

With wishes for success in your holy campaign to purify the map by excision of the Zionist entity, I remain,

(name on your most recent fraudulently obtained EBT or credit card here)

------------------------------end here---------------------------------------------

I do intend to finish the last post about the research grants fraud, perhaps after Shabbos ends my time (Zionist Entity time zone) and with that I will close Creedmoor until Purim unless events warrant its reopening.

Monday, September 15, 2008


pell grants, welfare students, full scholarships, tuition paid in food stamps, senators get a percentage to their campaign funds, schmoigerman dinners and endoresement for candidates.

Creedmoor U Becomes a Federal Research Institution - Part 1

"10,500,000 diversity points! Now I will definitely be promoted to Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Director of Frivolous and Wasteful Grants" exclaimed the most eminent product of Affirmative Action hiring policies, Ms Tossretta Wastehead.

Ms Wastehead, who pronounces her surname Wast'ed, is a native of Guam. Her father was born in Burkina Faso to Nigerian bank scammer parents who had decamped to Burkina Faso in order to be able to send out advance fee letters from a country other than Nigeria, whereas her mother was a Native Guamite of Antiguan origin, not to be confused with Natural Guano of Avian origin. Such a background, of course, counts for many preferential hiring points under the US Affirmative Action system. Therefore, our dear Ms Wastehead, a single mother, was very quickly promoted from her entry level position as a junior dishwasher in the Warren Harding Federal Building to her present post, which is designed to keep Affirmative Action hires out of the trouble that might result if they were given productive work with real deadlines.

At present, she is but the Third Deputy Assistant to the Second Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the Depilatory Director of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America, a position that carries far less prestige and a lower G-scale, or as she called it, G-string, than her desired position. Since Mrs Wastehead was only three years from pension age, her goal is to retire at the highest possible pay level and to use her generous pension in order to take advantage of all sorts of minority contractor and promotion of incompetent business laws once she sets up shop as a certified financial laundering and sanitization contractor.

And the source of her joy and hope was a proposal issuing from Professor Rector Dean Rabbi Dr Dovid Schmoigerman, whose credentials included a Psy. D. from The Discount Online Degree Site, and his Second Concubine Princess Rabbanit Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerman, of the Alcatraz Island branch of the R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

She could hardly read the fine print, boilerplate and other obfuscation that comprise the hallmark of any Federal grant proposal, but which are elevated to an art form by the Schmoigerman enterprises. All she could see was that the principal applicants were Chassidic Jews of Native American and Other Minority heritage who resided on a tribal reservation and had hitherto suffered from discrimination so intense that they could not obtain advanced degrees, thereby relegating them to life on food stamps, welfare, and other Federal and State entitlement programs. This was also the first application to issue from the newly chartered University, which had obtained its charter online in the same fashion that its principals had obtained their credentials.

And the best part of it was the astounding number of research subjects: Ninety-four trillion, with a margin of error of two per cent. Yes, 94,000,000,000,000 subjects would be participating in a study aimed at improving the lives of food stamp recipients by observing their purchasing habits.

Now, how could this be done? Very simply, by issuing two extra months' worth of food stamps to each participant so that the researchers could observe how each one used his, her or its benefits to purchase food over eight Friday afternoons. This would be in addition to the forty-three billion dollars requested by the research institute so that they could purchase a supercomputer strong enough to monitor and analyze the mountains of data that would result.

For this, there was need for special approval and sponsorship by 2 senators. Only members of the Donkey Party would do, as only they believe in printing extra money in order to fund public non-works projects and keep their voters happy and the economy depressed so that more people need the entitlement programs that they favor.

We do not want to risk libel laws by naming them, but suffice it to say that they are names well known to anyone who has been following the donkey side of the US Presidential Elections. One is the formerly favored female donkey, whereas the other is none other than the present minority donkey....

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Weiss Release Countdown

17 more years of tshuva (2754 instead of 2737) for the great tzaddik but at least he is not being released on Yom Tov! What a zechus to be able to do tshuva for generations yet unborn - and now one more generation has been added! Yomim al y'mye mylech toisif - shnoisov kmoi doir vodoir!

Also, the Admou'r meCreedmoor spoke this past Shabbos of the great zechis which Reb Sholam'ke has to be incarcerated in Lewisburg, which means (in Creedmoorish) har ha-levi'im. Whether the Admou"r was referring to shevet Levi or the counterfeit Levi's ring he and Weiss used to operate together in Malaysia is unclear, as is anything having to do with the Admou"r and Reb Sholam'ke.

1. SHOLAM WEISS 32610-054 54 White M
11-23-2754 LEWISBURG USP

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Preview...A Research Grant for Creedmoor U.

Ninety four trillion research subjects. That is what caught the eye of the members of the Misbehavioral Research Grants Committee of the National Academy of Pseudo-Sciences of the United States of America. And with such a large cohort of research subjects, approval was quickly forthcoming, along with the requisite financing.

The title of the project......................Food Stamp Usage Patterns Among Patients Suffering From Multiple Personality Disorder.

The name of the research facility...........................R. E. Ganvetman Graduate School of Most Exalted Psychological Studies of the University of Baseless Hatred, Tribal Lands of the Nation of Greater Creedmoor.

The name of the research director........................Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Psy. D.

Of course, Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, has a legitimate claim to the title Psy. D - if it indeed stands for Psychopathically Deluded. Alternately, Rabbi Schmoigerman can claim any title and requisite certificate so long as it can be granted in the same fashion by which the venerable Admou"r received his certificate of rabbinical ordination "gezel vemirma lemehadrin". After all, this legendary and unique level of ordination was attained through the painstaking process of sending thousands of proofs of purchase from breakfast cereal boxes to a mail drop in Rockland County, New York in time for the festival of Purim.

Yet, when dealing with any matters between the Federal Government and said Admou"r, it can safely be assumed that gross fraud is involved.

And in this case, the fraud was so blatant and on such a magnificent scale that only the eminently incompetent bureaucrats of the Department of Education of the United States of America could be too obtuse to detect it.....

(more coming soon)

Thursday, July 31, 2008

A very special guest!


With gretitute to der Islamischer Republik fin Iran, we iz prout to announce det we iz hevink a special guest at der lekture on Sunday!

Hiz nomen iz der hyliger:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(husband of Moshe Aryeh Friedman fin Vienna)!

Reb Mahmoud gibt a special eddress on der topic fin "Usink Fotoshop far Makink Missiles Det Destroy der Tzioinishe Entity!"

Also Reb Mahmoud will be performink an a kappoore version of his hyliger niggin: "Imam ghoft een rezhim-e ishghalgar-e qods bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad" (Kokamamy sed der regime det okkupies Yerusholoyim gotta venish from der page of time)! [Bed news dis fit perfektly der niggin fin der koifer Mordkhe ben-Dovid "Iz Doch Mashma fin Rashi.."]

Don't miss dis lekture!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Annual Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Lecture


Mit gretitude to der velfare syztem end sektzen acht, ve iz presentink dis year our ennuel Kamtza end Bar Kamtza Lekture Series:

Sunday 2 Menachem Av:

"What can we do to better ensure the destruction of the Medine?"

Speakerz iz:

Grandest Rebbe fin der Community far the Destruction fin der Zionist Entity in Hyligen Vien: Herr Oberrabiner Moishe Aryeh Friedmann (Imam Moussa Assad al-Faraj al-Majnoun).

Der mensch vus tit mehr far der destruction of der medine end puttink in denger der safety fin Yidden dorten den anyone else dese days:
The Recht Dishonorible Mr Ehud Olmert
Chief of Korruption Department in Prime Minister, Der Tzionishe Entity


Grand Rabbi of the Itbah al-Yahud Islamic Community/Ku Klux Karta of Monsey, Imam Moussa al-Dib Beck (Rabbi Moshe Ber Beck).

Herr Oberrabbiner Friedmann and Mr Olmert will diskuss what each of dem iz doink to make sure fin the destruction of the medine speedily end in inzere teg! You den decide fin der audience if Friedmann or Olmert iz bigger denger to der medine!

Couvert: 170 Food Shtempelach includez a Halal Lemehadrin meal catered by Hamas Caterink of Atlentik Evenue, Brooklyn. Blenk checks end Visa/Mesterkart/Americhkan Express numbers also aktzepted.

Location: Beis Medrash d'Creedmoor (D-ward Padded Dayroom)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Release Date for the Tzadik Hamoin Doirois Sholam Weiss has been Changed!


Yes, the authorities have heard the plea of Sholam Weiss as publicized exclusively right here on this blog! He will be released on May 17 2737 from his new position as Rosh Federal Kollel Lewisburg:

SHOLAM WEISS 32610-054 54 White M
05-17-2737 LEWISBURG USP

Which in turn comes out to:

Iyar 24, 6497

The tremendous zechus of the great tzadik hamoin hadoirois, who is enrolled in an intensive Federal tshuva yeshiva for only 729 more years, is such that his release date was indeed changed from Pesach. This also enables him to do intense tshuva for yet another month!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Moshe Aryeh Friedman: The Medical Mystery is Solved

A chance encounter with one of Moshe Aryeh Friedman's doctors revealed the following information:

"When Moshe was 15, we took him from Creedmoor to an orthopedic clinic to see if we could undo the damage to his growth plates that was caused by his spin in the washing machine as a baby. He was enrolled in a study in which equine (horse) growth hormone was supposed to be administered to him for several weeks. Instead, an extract made from equine posterior flesh was used. Or, in layman's terms, they took his medicine from the wrong end of the horse!"

This might explain why, as per the linked picture, Freeky Freedy has an outsized head and feet and a goofy, horse-like grin as well as being stooped (and stooooooooooooooooooooopid)!

And it certainly explains why Moshe Aryeh Friedman is ummm..der tuches fin a ferd, or in the Queen's English, a horse's arse!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Gimpel Fort Tzi der Welfare - A Creedmoorer Outwits the Bureaucracy

As it is long since time that these days turn into ymei mishte vesimcha, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the chassidim of the heiliger Rizhiner, who goofed off on 9 Av so that the Rizhiner asked that Hashem take back the day since his Chassidim did not know how to respect it.

So, here is a real transcript of what happened when Gimpel Wercberger, a Creedmoorer chossid and successful entrepreneur (in other words a scam artist, jewelry fence and who knows what else), successfully applied for welfare in New York City:

GW to his wife Byle Gnendel: "Byle, we must to look like schleppers! TAKE OFF DYNE WATCH, DI CHOLERYE, BEHYME DI BIST!!!"

Byle Gnendel: "DI IDIOT, CHOMOR DI!! You park der Lexus where der social-verker ken see it!

----He drives the car further away and locks his wife inside by setting the alarm!-----

GW: Is dis der velfare-offis!

Clerk (Mrs Salmonella Jones): Yeah, dis be da welfare! Come have a seat, man!

GW: OK. I got seven children end a vife. Mir darf eight seats!

Clerk: Yeah but you be alone wit your wife!

GW: Sorry iz nisht git myne English. I am meaning eight forms!

Clerk: No, you fills out one form for everyone!

GW: Git. Myne English is nisht git. Efsher you ken help me!

Clerk: Sure, man! Have a seat! What be yo'name?

GW: Myne nomen iz Gimpel Vertzberger.

Clerk: How you spell dat?

GW: Let'z see: G-I-M-P-E-L V-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R

Clerl; OK I got dat!

GW: OY, so sorry, I made a mistake. Nuch amol s'iz G-I-M-P-L-E W-E-R-T-Z-B-E-R-G-E-R. But dont trow away der first form! Nisht gut to waste paper! I take end use for skrep, OK.

Clerk: Sure, man! I got it again!

GW: End I make again a mistake! Detz in English but we spellz it in Ingarish. So Gimpel iz like it iz, end my lest name is W-E-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: No problem, man! Under da Aid to Families with Illiterate Heads of Households Act I gotta fill em all out for you!

GW: End remember not to vaste paper. Please to save it - and oy vey far vus I write berger mit an E. Make det W-E-R-C-B-U-R-G-E-R!

Clerk: OK you decide man!

GW: Yes, end I decide it darf zan W-I-R-C-B-E-R-G-E-R! But don't trow de udders out OK!

Clerk: Nevuh, man! We's gotta save paper!

GW: Yoh end you got to help your poor klienten by lettink dem heve it from screp! OY! Eyn minoot! Myne nom on myne velfare darf zan azoy vi myne nomen on pessport, yah? Den it's George.

Clerk, writing a form for George Wircberger: Got dat, man!

GW: But you know, I vaz geboren geven in Argentina. So det'z not George like George Washinkton, dat's Jorge, like in Spenish J-O-R-G-E!

Clerk: Det'z kool yoo be a dubble minority! You be Hispanic and Chassidic! I getz 300 diversity points today end a raise!

GW: Gled I kud help you! But you know, I'z a triple becuz myne perents wuz born in Ingarn so probably myne nomen iz Gyorgi Jorge. Det'z lets make it Jorge first but pleze seve all da forms we waste OK! G-Y-O-R-G-I before Jorge OK!

Clerk: Yeah, man dat'z anuder few hundred diversity points!

GW (mumbling to himself in Yiddish): In ochet a bissel gelt fin mir far machen alle der epplikeshins! OK please we take all der forms end I sign OK!

Clerk: Dat be cool!

Gimpel signs the last form and miraculously fills out the rest of the necessary information in English. He walks a few blocks to his Lexus and his screaming Yachne of a wife, and takes the incorrect forms home so he can fill them out with addresses corresponding to his place of business and a few of his slum buildings.

He returns to the office:

GW: Listen, you do far mir such a git job, I bring you a few forms det I learned from you how to fill out far myne chaveirim! Tzvie hinnert tolar and a Kvizinart iz genig to make sure dey get da checks fest?

Salmonella Jones: Hey, man, you Jews be real cool! You gonna gimme two C-notes and a food processor! Dat be so nice!

Gimpel brings in a stolen food processor and 2 counterfeit C-notes. Jones complains to her supervisor that a part is missing from the Cuisinart and she is summarily dismissed.

Nevertheless, a few weeks later, an EBT card arrives at each address, each one in a different variant of the name Gimpel Wercberger and each one bearing his photo!

Creedmoor 10: Federal bureaucracy 0!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Controversial Rabbi Calls 311 and Saves Himself from Prosecution Again!

Bronx NY (Bubbamyses Press Agency):

Recent attempts to detect and prosecute entitlement program fraud nearly ensnared a man who is said to be the most successful fraudster known to the world today; namely a controversial self -appointed Chassidic rabbi by the name of Dovid Schmoigerman, who is best known as the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Schmoigerman, whose congregation is the largest in the world with a reported eighty nine trillion plus souls, has long been suspected of using his diagnosis of multiple personality syndrome to inflate New York State and Federal welfare rolls by receiving payments for fraudulent phantom recipients. However, due to his status as "incurably criminally insane" and his official residence in the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, it has been difficult to press charges against him for fraud.

Nevertheless, Federal investigators were said to be near obtaining an indictment until Schmoigerman outwitted them once again by proving his right to claim insanity.

At 4:00 AM this morning, Rabbi Schmoigerman, who owns several dilapidated properties throughout New York City's slum neighborhoods, called the 311 hotline to report a rodent problem in a vacant lot next to his own vacant lot in the Bronx. The following is the text of the conversation:

311: Thank you for calling the 311 hotline.. (welcome message).

Schmoigerman: I am please wantink to report a problem mit a dead ret in der lot next to mine on Grend Konkourse in der Bronx number 3050.

311: We do not handle such problems unless the lot is city owned. We will check to see if this property is municipal and take appropriate action.

Schmoigerman: No, please to understend. I am wantink der medikel exeminer to come out end give a det sertifikete for det damn dead ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger!

311: I do not understand...may I connect you to the medical examiner's you need an interpreter?

Schmoigerman: No, I speek very vell der Aynglish! Yes please to connekt me mit medikel exeminer!

(transfers call): You have reached the emergency hotline of the New York City Office of the Medical Examiner. How may I help you?

Schmoigerman: Det demn ret Shmiel Groinem Vertzberger iz peygered geven, oy ich mont he died, on der vakant lot next to myne on der Grend Konkurs in der Bronx. He hez no one no femily notink. Please to send embulance and get det sertifiket so I ken bury him!

The medical examiner hotline then provided Schmoigerman with a Yiddish interpreter, and an assistant medical examiner was dispatched to the site. What he found shocked him:

"The assisted, who identified himself as Grandest and Most Exalted Rabbi David Smoygermann of the Independent Congregation of Baseless Hatred of the Holy Community of Creedmoor, was holding a large dead rat and asking me to issue a death certificate for him in the name of Samuel Gronem Werczberger.

Assisted was classified as an Emotionally Disturbed Person because he was wearing nothing but an orange plastic bag and a tin foil hat, but he then tried to explain that he needed the certificate so that he could cash in on a life insurance policy that he had purchased in the name of said Werczberger.

While this constitutes evidence of prosecutable insurance fraud and a report was made to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our office chose to have the assisted returned to Creedmoor Psychiatric Hospital in a safely padded vehicle as we believe that it is not possible for a legally insane individual to have ever purchased a valid insurance policy on a dead rodent. In addition, we found no fewer than twelve persons named "Samuel Gronem Werczberger" in New York City, all of whom receive Federal entitlement benefits and are therefore alive as far as we can determine."

Once again, the so called Grand Rabbi has escaped well deserved prosecution by perpetrating a feigned insanity scam that makes the actions of the late Vincent The Chin Gigante pale in comparison.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Der Admou"r Set to Solve Kosher Meat Crisis

The Admou"r meCreedmoor, through his communally owned shechita enterprise "Maachal Ben Drusoy", has stepped up to solve the present shortage of kosher meat.

As the Admou"r has over eighty trillion multiple personalities, he is never short of a workforce to slaughter meat and therefore does not need to hire illegal aliens, with or without his knowledge (as the Admou"r is only interested in personalities that can collect welfare, all of his personalities are legally allowed to work in the United States, but most prefer welfare and food stamps).

Spokespersons for Maachal Ben Drusoy have only stated that a new meat product, which like all Creedmoorer food products is certified free of all chashash of timas haTziyoinus, will be available shortly, via a mail order and internet distribution system.

Speculation as to the nature of the product is based upon a recent radical reduction of the stray cat population in the exercise yards at Creedmoor.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

OFFICIAL: Der Admou"r Endorses Obama

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has emerged from retirement to volunteer as the hymishe spokesman for the Obama campaign. As always, our favorite tin foil wrapped deluxe fruitcake has made a profound statement of endorsement for his preferred candidate:

"Azoy vi we iz dedikated to the eveporation from the Zionist entity aross fin der mep, end the viktory of inzerer chaver Reb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over der gantzer velt, we are hereby to endorse the hyliger Barack Hussein Obama ez inzerer choice far next Prezedent fin der United States of Ameritchka. As we are wishink to redefine the malchis shel chessed as a medine vet gibt yeder ayner a velfare-check or 2 or tzvay trilyin, we are knowink det only Barack Hussein Obama iz guaranteeink mischazek zayn der burokratzia fin welfare-administration azoy vi mir ken fool der Affirmative-Eksion hires det work dere into gegibn inz multiple checkelach far'n inzerer multiple personelitiez."

The Admou"r is said to control a bloc of over eighty-five trillion potential votes. Analysts are uncertain as to whether the electoral system of a country with a population of only three hundred and five million would be able to handle such an onslaught of votes. It is assumed that since all but one or perhaps two of the Admou"r's votes belong to entities which are clearly absentee (after all, if one does not exist, one cannot be present!), he will attempt to stuff ballots in several states, including Montana, Baja California and Uttar Pradesh, with absentee votes in time for Election Day in Myanmar.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Final Creedmoor Post: Moshe Aryeh Friedman and the Magic Bedsheet part 4

Yes, this is it. I just am not into this anymore, but still I do have the final information to finish the pathetic, yet exciting saga of Moshe Aryeh Friedman, whose journeys from Creedmoor to Antwerpen to Vienna began with a bedsheet stretching from his Creedmoor padded cell to....JFK International Airport!

"No longer did Rabbi and Mrs Friedman back in Williamsburgh have to worry about their son. He was for all practical purposes a voluntary resident of Creedmoor (he simply moved into a padded suite in E-ward, an abandoned building not far from the beloved D-ward of the Admou"r meCreedmoor who was in Alcatraz more and more these days so that he did not even care to claim a tzentel of Moshe Aryeh's ill-gotten gains). What is more, Dr Michael Weinberg, the last competent professional at Creedmoor, had retired to move to Israel, so no one was there to account for decrepit little Moishele."

And the boy Moishele grew, well, he never did grow too far up in any way, be it maturity or stature. But his audacity sure did grow when it came to scams. While his monthly take was puny compared to that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor or even the platoon of Patel pseudo-psychiatrists who were fortunate enough to be on the Admou"r's gravy train, the Friedman coffers were enriched by a solid five figures every month thanks to a litany of relatively mundane acts of deceit, ranging from credit card fraud (he successfully submitted credit card applications in the names of various deceased patients whose names he received from a corrupt clerk for 20% of the take) to sales of counterfeit medications to patients in the drug rehab ward.

But Moshe Aryeh Friedman dreamed of a future far brighter than his present. Truth is that Moishele was not motivated so much by money as he was by a constant need for attention. He also had a perverse desire to marry and start a family, so that he could have a captive audience for his rather extreme deiois, which ranged from right wing Zionism that made the late Meir Kahane seem like a member of Meretz, to his default position of destruction of the Zionist entity and its replacement with a "Palestinian" welfare state, which would be subsidized by the EU and US and allow none other than the one and only Moshe Aryeh Friedman to serve in its government as, yes, Minister of Abuse of Social Welfare and Misappropriation of Entitlement Payments.

So, the ludicrous little clown of a man felt he had to leave Creedmoor for greener pastures in the EU. But he had forged his own commitment order to Creedmoor in a harebrained attempt to guarantee his constant supply of welfare payments and immunity from prosecution under the guise of insanity. That meant that the only way out was - escape!

And he found a willing accomplice in the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor, whose anti-Zionism was in reality only a smokescreen for avarice that also victimized his despised Zionist Entity, where he ran several insurance, unemployment, gun running and Bituah Leumi scams in cohouts with the infamous Mussa Alperon. Why Mussa Alperon, one may ask? Well, it is very simple. Mussa Alperon is a one legged war amputee. However, we are not chas vesholom making light of those wounded in Israel's wars against the enemies of the Jewish people. You see, Mussa Alperon lost his leg in an assassination attempt spearheaded by a business competitor who was interested in encroaching on Alperon territory in the noble fields of theft of building supplies, theft of recyclables, and the Alperon specialty - loansharking and strongarm collection attempts. In other words, he is an ignobly disabled veteran of the often violent mob wars in Eretz Yisroel.

The Admou"r met Alperon and said "Ich bin a meshiggener end you don't heve a leg to stend on no more - so we get caught, we meke zeyr a gut pair". And the Admou"r and Mussa now front each other for every harebrained scam known to man, from sales of stolen left shoes and gloves to attempts to use Alperon's amputee status to receive a new prosthetic leg every hour on the hour from Bituah Leumi, which is in turn filled with hashish and sent to Creedmoor for redistribution.

And it was this hashish that the Admou"r was smoking when he said: "Look, Moishele myne kind - I know you are really wantink to destroy der Tzioinishe medine end I know all I want iz gelt. So gib mir, lomir ziggen. a hinnert toisent and I sell by you a sheet for a bed it goes all der way to JFK Airport!"

The transaction was completed. 100,000 forged food stamps were duly handed over to the Admou"r, who then presented Freeky Freedy with a twenty mile long, ten foot wide white bedsheet, sewed by certified burqa weavers in Afghanistan!

Freeky was then duly wrapped in the bedsheet - and thrown out a seven story window by the Admou"r onto a waiting pickup truck. The bedsheet end was still attached to the window, so that when the pickup truck sped away, it unraveled all the way from the hospital to the airport, leaving Freedy covered by perhaps five miles of bedsheet and creating extremely hazardous and eminently ridiculous driving conditions for miles as well as attracting gawkers from all over Queens and Long Island.

Now came the hardest part of Operation Bedsheet - getting Moshe Aryeh Friedman onto a plane bound for any EU city.

"Listen. I've got a little twerp rolled up in this sheet - he's gotta go somewhere in Europe by cargo!"

Jose Hernandez Pendejo del Rio heard this and said" Si, senor, I load leetle cargo to Antwerp. We send bedsheet to Antwerp you just pay me 50 dollar and I say nothing, OK" (needless to say this took place long before 9/11!)

"OK Antwerp is in Europe, right?" "Si, senor, it de capital of Holland so he go dere!"

50 counterfeit dollars changed hands, and the Friedman wrap was cut down to perhaps one mile of cloth with holes in the back for breathing and in the front for other functions, for all were convinced that Friedman's anatomy was a bit different from standard human issue.

And the plane took off, with Friedman managing to extricate himself from the bedsheet altogether and then finding a hacksaw and making his way into the first class cabin, after having stolen a pair of tefillin and a tallis from an unsuspecting haimishe passenger in economy and claiming he wanted to go to first class to daven with a group of diamond dealers headed to a convention in Antwerp.

How Friedman managed to produce a valid ticket and remain in his seat is a mystery, but the plane did land with one huge abandoned bedsheet in cargo and one minuscule, demented but for once well nourished Freeky Freedy in first class. And of course Friedman claimed the bedsheet as his luggage and then found a willing Gypsy to wrap him up and smuggle him past border control to freedom.

Needless to say, Freaky Freedy's first stop in Antwerp was at a psychiatric clinic where it was not hard for him to achieve several official diagnoses including delusions of grandeur, and therefore begin his life in Europe as an indigent eligible for generous European welfare benefits.

Sadly, he did meet his mate there, and to this day Mrs Friedman is abused as are the couple's children. They live in Vienna, where Friedman is considered persona non grata in the Jewish community and in fact enjoys a status of total cherem. But they do enjoy vacations to Iran, and indeed Moshe Aryeh Friedman was almost named Chief Rabbi of the Islamoterrorist Republic of Iran.

And thus ends the Creedmoorer Chassidus blog once and for all. It has been a pleasure and a lot of fun, but sadly the latest episodes of crime and fraud in our communities involve abuse far worse than that meted out upon the Friedman wife and children, and are therefore beyond parody.

Friday, February 22, 2008

An Open Letter from Reb Sholam Weiss

Dear Federal Bureau of Prisons:

It has become tzi mir known det I iz goink to be released mit parole on the Tirteent fin April 2737. I am tinkink vus dis has got to be Pesach oder too close to Pesach to get to Monsey in time, and I am needink to be released 2 weeks tzurik so I ken spend myne first Seder mit myne great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grendchildren end dere children end grendchildren.

Please to have a bissel rachmones end to release from mir on April der first so long as it is not a Shabbos? For sure by 2737 you will have hed genig fin mir enyway, and I am tinking det 2 weeks iz really not makink fin det much a difference on a sentence which is mehr fin 700 yohr lank!

Zeyr a grossen dank,

Der Grend Rabbi Sholam Weiss
Colmaner Roov


NB: Weiss is right!

You have selected:

Tuesday, April 13, 2737

The corresponding Jewish date is:

Nissan 20, 6497*

So that's Chol Hamoed Pesach but he won't have enough time to get home for shvi'i shel Pesach!

Please write to your Conman, I mean Congressman, and ask that Weiss be released on April 1 2737 instead as that is a Thursday and he can even bensch gomel for being released if he leaves the can early enough to make it to Shacharis in Miami Beach.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Mishenichnas Adar Choizrim leCreedmoor

As there are 2 Adars this year, I will reopen the blog to post at least once each Adar. To be forewarned is to be sidearmed, or however it goes - so beware!