Friday, June 25, 2010

Toldois Creedmoor: "They shoot horses, don't they" The Kerosener Rov (final installment)


(Note: pending transfer the prior installments of this series are to be found on

Kalman Schmoigerman had signed up just about every Jewish resident of the Kazimiersz - deGeneratzky lands for his then novel and now discredited tontine investment program, in which the last man left standing would inherit the entire sum of all funds paid in by all other participants. According to the proper operation of such a scheme, the proceeds were meant to be invested for the benefit of all participants, so that while the final beneficiary might have ended up with the lion's share, all who were involved would benefit from the dividends of prudent investments.

But honesty and any member of the de Menuval-Menuvalov-Schmoigerman clan had no connection with one another, and Kalman Schmoigerman was determined to cash in on every last kopek that his fellow Jews had invested in his tontine.

This was accomplished in a rather novel manner. As many of the townspeople, Jewish and otherwise, were illiterate in Russian and Ukrainian, Schmoigerman simply changed the name of the beneficiary on each deed from the specified name to the name of the purchaser's horse. If he did not know the name of the specific horse, he simply wrote "Ferd", which was one of the more pleasant of his own nicknames in cheder, in sloppy, hastily scribbled Cyrillic characters.

So, for instance, a policy bought for young Getzel Goldman, the son of a local grandee, as a Bar Mitzvah gift instead read "Ferd Goldman," as there was no way that Schmoigerman, who was rather corpulent and also had a price on his head, could normally outlive a lad of 13.

And of course, within a week or so of the completion of the subscription to the "Gantz Mazel Tontine," there was a strange epidemic of a horse pestilence, in which just about every householder in the area woke up to find at least one of his horses dead with several pistol bullet holes in its head.

Once Schmoigerman was certain that all of the horses belonging to all of his investors were killed, he sent out letters of condolence in Yiddish, with a short sentence in Russian at the bottom, in very small print indeed, informing the unfortunate former horse owner that he had now been removed from the "Gantz Mazel Tontine" for the policy was issued in the name of his now deceased steed or steeds.

The confused townspeople were too preoccupied with obtaining new horses to realize that the one man who had a single living equine, Kalman Schmoigerman, had rode on that horse all the way to Szarkonozvary, Hungary, which was a good 100 kilometers away from their town.

It was to Szarkonosvary that Kalman Schmoigerman had spirited his family, who awaited him in the castle which he had bought through a sleight of hand gambling transaction the moment he had collected enough tontine funds to want to secret away in the form of gold coins amidst the ruins of the famous Vandal fortresses of Szarkonosvary.

The Hungarian village was in fact founded by the Vandals, and it was a rocky outcrop of a village similar to that where the Montres-de Menubal clan of Spain had originated.

Of course, Kalman Schmoigerman chose it as the new location of the Schmoigerman criminal dynasty because Szarkonosvary was known for the same degree of moral turpitude as the city from whence the family had sprung at the very beginnings of its history of fraud, deception, theft and deceit. That city was of course Sodom.

And now, the misbegotten and foreboding little village had welcomed a new resident who would teach the rather dull-witted and petty Vandal descendants who populated the town and eked out a living by robbing travelers and the like, how to commit fraud on an international scale. Of course, the way these rather pathetic Szarkonosvarians would learn how to commit large scale fraud would be by serving as victims of the village's new self appointed Viscount, Av Arba Misois Beis Din, kashrus supervisor and tax collector, Kalman Schmoigerman.

The first sign of the arrival of this skewed moral compass was the appearance of a little stall in the central market marked with a simple sign reading "Kalman Schmoigerman Kokosh Cake Bakery. Kasher LeMafreya under the Strictest Supervision of the Szarkonosvary Kashrus Council." Little did the villagers know that this innocent looking yeast cake sold by Kalman and his family would be their undoing."

We are unable to access the Creedmoor archives until after 9 Av when Creedmoorer sfira, which begins on 5 Iyar, ends. We look forward to sharing with you as much of the history and present news of the Creedmoorer kehillas and their antecedents which we can fabricate when we return.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" Yeshiva Sued for Discrimination


The Creedmoorer "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is the flagship institution of the largely phantom Creedmoorer educational network, which exists largely to prove that its 48 quintillion or so students are all special needs children who are in need of special services and equipment from all 50 states, the EU and the UNHCR.

However, the "Mishkon Areilim" yeshiva is special in that it takes only students whose parents never, ever worked in their lives and have committed at least seven felonies in at least three jurisdictions.

A young man called Seamus Abdulkarim Oved, whose surname is suspicious as it suggests "work" in the Zionist tongue, attempted to enroll in "Mishkon Areilim" but was unable to provide documentation of his parents' police records.

Of course, in Creedmoor, this is but a formality as all records are generated by the Hakolbishvili brothers "Print-A-Buck" printing press, also known as the Royal Mint of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, depending on what opportunity for gross fraud presents itself.

But this was not enough for Mohammed Shmeel Abu-banat Ginzburg, who is only a six-time convicted felon, and a father of girls who in any case are not accepted into "Mishkon Areilim". He insisted on bringing the Admou"r meCreedmoor himself, who is the registered dean and warden of the institution of higher deception, to Federal court, which in this case means the Beis Din of the Federal Koilel Yingerleit and Alumni of Otisville. Said Beis Din is also located somewhere in the phantasmic nether reaches of the Creedmoor plumbing system.

The Federal court ruled that Ginzburg himself would be able to attend Mishkon Areilim under the Federal Koilel Mezuyonim program if he managed to commit another felony. As for Oved, a quick check of the records and a bit of sleight of hand were combined to find him a set of felonious adoptive parents. All rejoiced when eighteen new SSI applications were sent to Washington DC with a note: "Remember, from tiny ACORNS many votes do grow".

And at the end of the beis din proceedings, all parties gathered in an empty shell of a slum building in the Bronx to burn the Zionist flag in celebration of yet another sheaf of insurance cheques that would soon accompany the new SSI benefits.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Creedmoor Got a Facelift


Thanks to the new Google template layout designer, I gave Creedmoor a quick facelift (much easier than giving Helen Thomas or Tali Fhima much needed facelifts but you gotta start somewhere)!

Please let me know what you think. I might change some colors on Sunday when I post again.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Helen Thomas Asked to Edit New Anti-Zionist Jewish Women's Magazine


Newsbrief: Disgraced Hearst calumnist Helen Thomas has been offered a position as editor in chief of "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" - a new women's publication hitherto edited by Leona Helmsley who was finally pronounced dead after her identiy was used unsuccessfully to apply for several credit cards and loans.

The publication is owned by "The Congregation of Men of Blood and Deceit of Creedmoor", a splinter group within the larger "Anti-Zionist Congregation of Baseless Hatred and Other Unpleasantries of Creedmoor" that was set up when the original congregation became too large to register as one tax exempt organization. As it is run by the notorious Admou"r Dovid Schmoigerman, it is known for its extreme anti-Zionism and indeed attempts to send flotillas to Gaza, each of which has ended in very profitable disaster when the highly insured inflatable rafts and rowboats sank only yards from where they set sail.

Since the Admou"r only pays in currency which he himself prints, and Thomas would fabricate anything to get into print, analysts believe that the two will indeed be able to cooperate and that Thomas will indeed accept the position which Schmoigerman has offered.

Nevertheless, there is no word yet as to whether Thomas will join the Creedmoorer publication, which carries with it the need to fabricate stories regarding Zionist atrocities while maintaining a viewpoint acceptable to followers of Osama bin Laden. In fact, "Daasan Kalois - Di Machshefa" is also very widely read in the Islamic world, as its beauty advice for burqa and chador wearers is extremely popular.

Regardless of whether or not she accepts the editorship, Helen Thomas has indeed graciously agreed to pose wearing an orange plastic burqa designed by the extremely talented wife of the Admou"r, Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman, whose beauty is said to rival that of Miss Thomas herself.

More as details become available.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Admou"r demands emergency welfare for an infinite number of microbes!


As reported earlier, the Obama Administration has expressed interest in the proposal by Schmoigerman Environmentally Noxious Associates, Inc, a mysterious firm operated by the even more mysterious Creedmoorer Chassidic Community, to unleash several tons of a rancid Hungarian Jewish delicacy which the firm claims contains oil eating bacteria. The firm has guaranteed that this substance will indeed neutralize the BP oil spill and clean the waters that have been affected by it.

The food, known as galle, has apparently been sitting in the Schmoigerman chassidic compound on the grounds of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center for over one year, as it was made for a flag burning ceremony which the controversial community had held in several vacant warehouses on the 61st anniversary of the founding of the State of Israel.

Since the galle has been stored without refrigeration, an infinite number of microbes have colonized it; these range from fungi to bacteria to other organisms which, like many in the Obama administration, have but one barely functioning cell.

However, the price of the proposal is set at one emergency welfare grant, equal to one month's rent in a warehoused apartment being used as an emergency shelter, for EACH microbe.

An Obama administration spokesperson has made it clear that the government is indeed amenable to the proposal, so long as each microbe then promises to vote Democratic in the November 2010 elections and then vote for Obama in 2012.

Friday, June 04, 2010

URGENT update: "Galle" from CSS Moishe Hirsch wreck contains oil eating bacteria


We have just received the following information from the Creedmoorer Department of Economically and Environmentally Noxious Activities (Machon haKilkul vehaTiruf she al ydei Khal Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin):

The galle which nearly spilled due to Zionist sabotage and was indeed rescued by a brave member of our Shomrei Bituach patrol was not headed to Gaza. It was and is instead intended to be used for the cleanup of the BP oil spill. As the galle was made no later than last Yom ha'Atzamois, it is confirmed rancid and therefore rich in destructive bacteria that destroy oil spills the way they destroy everyone who touches the galle at Shabbos kiddush.

A special arrangement is being made between the government of Obamistan and the Arba Misois Beis Din of Creedmoor to allow for proper reimbursement of the Admou"r for his many tons of noxious and all consuming bacteria. More on Sunday after the tzioinish Shabbos!

"CSS Moishe Hirsch" sinks: substance best left unidentified nearly spills out near beach


An environmental disaster of British Petroleum dimensions was narrowly averted when the "CSS Moishe Hirsch," a 400 foot inflatable raft filled with provisions intended for delivery to Gaza, sank off the coast of Brooklyn. This raft was one of a second flotilla sent out by a mysterious Chassidic rebbe from Queens who had failed in his earlier attempt to send 16 rafts to Gaza for insurance purposes.

The raft, which instead of being inflated with air was inflated in insurable value and filled with a noxious and malodorous substance known as "galle," was found at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean a few feet from Brighton Beach by "Boris", a local resident who, among other ventures, is said to be an insurance adjuster specializing in maritime disasters.

"Boris", whose Social Security records show that he was 132 years old at the time of the explosion of the Chernobyl power plant near where he resided at the time and who subsequently emigrated to the United States, is supposedly totally disabled as a result of the blast. However, he managed to valiantly and singlehandedly rescue the 400 foot, 11 ton "CSS Moishe Hirsch" and thereby prevent the noxious "galle" from polluting the water.

When our Russian affairs reporter attempted to speak to Boris in Russian, he replied "you want dat ship should gay kocken affn yam mit all der galle? leave from me alone please"!

It is believed that "Boris" may be the mysterious Rebbe himself, and another business card which he carried advertised his services as an environmental cleanup expert. It is further rumored that after his brave escapade in saving the CSS "Moishe Hirsch" and billing the City of New York "thirty finf million foodshtempelach" for his services, that he is headed to tackle the BP spill as well so as to give the Obama administration a reason to print yet more "foodshtempelach".