Monday, December 28, 2009

Newsflash: Schmoigerman Space Shuttle Detained at Jupiter Spaceport


Newsflash: The Schmoigerman Space Shuttle, the convoluted contraption which the Admou'r meCreedmoor uses to travel from Creedmoor to Pluto and back, has been detained at the Bobby Fischer Memorial Spaceport on Jupiter.

We are unaware as to whether this is a positive or negative development. We have reason to believe that aliens on Jupiter have asked Rabbi Schmoigerman to establish a Beis Chaval on Jupiter so that they, too, can obtain welfare, section 8, disability and UN refugee aid. Alternately, it is possible that the Schmoigerman spaceship is staging a crash on Jupiter for insurance purposes.

However, an interesting development has taken place in that long time Schmoigerman psychiatrist Dr Nanebakri Ramabudhu Patel claims that neither Rabbi Dovid nor Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman has left Creedmoor within the past month and that there was in fact a menorah lighting ceremony inside a former administration building with a leaky gas tap and defective electrical wiring.

Attempts to contact Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster are proving futile, and we do not dare contact Axa, Aviva, Allstate, AIG, Allianz, Fireman's Fund, Generali, USAA or any similar Zionist organization as we do not want to jeopardize the Admour's avoida kedeisha and source of honest parnosso.

What is the real story? Enquiring multiple personalities want to know...stay tuned!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

It is Official - Schmoigerman Refugee Resettlement Plan Approved!


Breaking noise:

The United Nations Special Committee for the Condemnation and Hopeful Obliteration of the Zionist Entity, led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and His Utmost Insanity Muammar el-Qadhafy have met in a special session to approve the "Schmoigerman Plan for the Creation and Support of Perpetual Microscopic Refugees from Zionism on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

Details coming tomorrow. All that is known at present is that this project represents the largest fraud committed to date by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and involves a budget of eleven trillion dollars for the resettlement of all microorganisms affected by the Chanike flammen on Pluto.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Schmoigerman: Our EJF is Eternal Justification of Fraud and has no connection with Monsey


"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.

In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.

As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.

The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.

However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."

Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Usher Berkowitz Message is a Hoax...


..and whoever started it, basically by just adding a Yiddishe yingel's name to an existing hoax, belongs in the real Creedmoor. There are far more interesting and creative things to do on a cold winter day than playing pranks at the expense of people's feelings.

As for our beloved D-ward, Alcatraz and Pluto Creedmoor, tomorrow is the 25th which means that on Sunday we will have the final roundup of the Creedmoor 12 days of Chanike.

We are aware at this time that the UNHCR has indeed agreed in principle to add the refugees created by the recent Creedmoorian invasion of Pluto to its purview. We are also aware that none other than the party responsible for said invasion, namely Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, has been appointed the director of the Pluto bureau of the UNHCR.

The principle behind this appointment is of course the same UN high moral principle that allows the Arabs to administer the Balestinian UNHCR and for Hamas and Fatah alike to run terror and theft rings through its camps.

But even Suha Arafat's Parisian accounts will be nothing if indeed the Admou"r is to receive funds for the resettlement of infinite numbers of microscopic organisms....

We also hope to have a comment from the Admou"r regarding his plans to scale up his healthcare fraud initiatives now that the Obamacare Lite health care bill has been passed...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!


We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.

However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.

On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.

So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Preview: The Founding of the UN HIgh Commission for Microorganic Refugees on Former Planet Pluto....


Madarbakri Tuntawallukut could not believe what he was reading. A real live report about microorganisms forced to flee Pluto, which itself had been diminished from planet status by a Zionist invasion.

All he had to do was react and he would be the next High Commissioner of Refugees, rather than a mindless bureaucrat wasting his days in UN headquarters, far from his native village of Tattiguptakar, Sri Wanka, which itself is a very small island off the coast of Malaysia and has nothing to do with Sri Lanka.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Important New Cherem from der Admou"r


In a rare moment of lucidity, the Admou"r has realized that cherem is oisios and therefore gematriah ramach, or 248, which is the number of positive mitzvois (mitzvois aseh) in the tzioinish Torah.

Therefore, the Admou"r has proclaimed a stringent and binding cherem upon anyone who performs any single one of the 248 mitzvois aseh in the tzioinish Torah.

He will soon be issuing his very own "Alternative Torah," which he will reveal to whoever has the zechus to be with him where he reveals himself every morning, namely the Grand Mikveh of Pluto.

We will also soon be issuing more of the ongoing story of the Chanike sryfois on Pluto and the ongoing efforts of the Admou'r to obtain UN funding to resettle all the microorganisms of Pluto which have now become refugees due to the severe fires and resulting adverse weather conditions on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

Monday, December 14, 2009

"Pluto is Burning" - Part 2 of the Festival of Insurance Flammen Series


"Arson committed against property of insured by individual deemed insane and intoxicated due to inhalation of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide poisoned atmosphere caused by improper ignition of religious lights in non-conducive atmosphere..."

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft, known as Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster, could not believe his eyes. Even in Creedmoor terms, this was a clear confession of arson by the Admou"r himself.

"You are meanink you are wantink to tell all fin der insurance companies det first of all you are der owner fin Pluto, end det also you burned it end vent crazy fin der sryfe so you burnt it?"

"Hymie, di schvantz, di idiot! You want your tzvantzig protzent oder nisht? You are not gettink mine drift? I am nisht der owner fin Pluto! It iz owned by "Khal Sinos Chinom d' Pluto Vus Iz Geven A Mol A Planet!" The chief offitzer fin die kompanye iz my Rebbetzin of East Coast Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and you iz der treasurer! So, if you are adjustink det it iz conspiresy end unlezss you iz also wantink to live in Creedmoor end pretend your tzi dryt di ken zitzen in Federal Koilel far'n der gantze leben!

I am wantink you should bring dis to the UN and dat dey should issue to me gelt to clean up der envirenment fin Pluto! Der insurance den iz also covered by the UN. You know, like all der Pelestinian refugees vuz is gettink money fin der UN to blow up tzioinim? So we iz now ochet refugeez end we iz gettink gelt to burn der plenet end den clean it up, like der Araber mach der refugeez problem end dey iz gettink more money to make more refugees! End since der arson iz geven a religious lightink, it iz multiculturalizm end perfectly fine with der UN, you know like when some yikel in Sudan gives his tochter a bris!"

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft managed to call the Deputy to the Deputy Secretary of the Banned Ki Moon himself...(more coming tomorrow)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Admou"r Needs Your Help - Man of the Non-Zionist Year 2009


The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:

1) Chilul Hashem berabim

2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law

3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel

4) A willingness to do anything for money.

5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock

6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot

The choices are between:

1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek

Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!

Thank you,

The Vaad haMesader

Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto Last Night..The Former Planet Is In Flames!


The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.

Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"

Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."

Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.

As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!

That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!


The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!

Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne

A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.

Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....

Monday, November 23, 2009

Schmoigerman Winds Up Another 419'er - requests soup recipe from Chang Wantan


If this yukel falls for this one then he is the dumbest accumulation of cells that has inhabited the earth since the extinction of the dodo bird!


Dear Mr Wantan:

I would be very delighted to assist you with every form of moral, financial and athletic support necessary for the mutual success of our transaction. I am a graduate of the Madoff Institute of Financial Defalcations and as such am one of the few licenced financial defalcators who is able to assist you in this most defalcatory and unsavoury transaction.

However, since it is clear to me that you are of the famous Wantan family which has bestowed its gift of Wantan soup to the world, and particularly to Chinese restaurants, I would appreciate your sending me, post haste, your paternal grandmother's recipe for same.


Grand Rabbi Pandit Guru Dawood Singh Azazel Schmoigerman
Sing Sing Chinese Food Importers
Ossining, New York

-----Original Message-----
From: Chang Wantan []
Sent: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:40 AM
Subject: Legal Representative Postion

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is a pleasure to write to you in respect of our company, TEIKOKU OIL &
GAS CO., LTD(INPEX CORPORATION). We are experts in the sales of raw materials.
We export into the Canada/America/parts of Europe. We are searching for representatives
who can help us establish a medium of getting our funds from our costumers

Update. Even 419 scammer stupidity has its limits. Mr Chang Wantan did not reply and of course at least one E-mail address of his bounced. Oh, well.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Finally: The source of the concept "Pay Tzaddik"


In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:

"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."

The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Yichis Breef Returns - El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia


The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.

Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.

First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).

And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.

But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.

If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.

And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.

In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.

And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.

Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.

But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.

He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.

In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Carlebach meets Creedmoor - Raheem Carlebach style


"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."

"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."

"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."

"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"

"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"

"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"

"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."

"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."

"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..

Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A word from our sponsor - "Raheem" Smoke Shop, Pharmacy and Loan Center


From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).

Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"

I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem


He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

---switches to rap beat-----

If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!

Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).

Creedmoor Readies Itself for Pilgrimage of 150 Quintillion Souls on Dec 25


"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"

So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.

Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.

And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.

Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.

Monday, November 09, 2009

"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys


In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"

In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone

And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he

But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die

When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight

And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail

That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan

No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Admou"r Denounces Win of Yankees, Alleges Zionist Plot


"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.

The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.

In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.

Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.

Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"

(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Toracinia and Crede de Moros - The de Menubal kingdom


Don Vital Hayim de Menubal de Toracinia, whose name was now officially rendered as El Rey de los Reyes Vital Hayim in order to reflect his new self-inflicted kingly status, would soon find out that his choice of land was a fortunate one indeed.

On the very edge of the outcrop, there lived a sort of clan or tribe of rather strange people, who claimed to see visions of horses and snakes and the moon and unicorns dancing around the land.

Today, we would call them schizophrenics and treat them accordingly, but at that time they were either seen as possessed by spirits, or mad. Among them were two older men who claimed to be personalities from earlier times, obscure or perhaps renowned noblemen and squires whose names meant little to their new overlord, Don Hayim Vital de Toracinia.

He found that one of them, a dissheveled, unkempt alcoholic of indeterminate age, inhabited what appeared to be the ruins of an old fortress, and claimed to be "El Defendante del Crede de Moros" - the Defender of the Faith of the Moors. As far as de Menubal was concerned, this meant that the ruins were of an old Moorish castle, and it was time for him to remove the harmless old lunatic and establish himself as "El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros," or the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors.

So, the Don deftly dismembered and disposed of the now former inhabitant of the castle, and displaced another squatter, Alfonso de Majnoun, with a duly produced parchment showing that he, Don Hayim Vital de Menubal, was now the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors and therefore the only rightful inhabitant of the castle.

He was decent enough to provide the second unfortunate with one of his forged alms cards, and to send him to the nearest Jewish town where he was able to use the cards to obtain food free of charge at the local branch of HyperNebela. Of course that food was paid for by the alms fund of the kehilla, who had never seen this latest arrival before but had to accept him as he could not communicate.

Now, Don Vital Hayim was ready for action as he set out to use the remaining psychotic squatters as free labor to turn the castle into the Grand Palace of Toracinia del Crede de Moros, and to have two slightly more talented and lucid squatters melt down base metal and plate it with adulterated gold before placing it in a hastily manufactured stamping device that embossed: "Cinco Reals del Toracinia de Crede del Moros" and a picture of a shechita knife on the front, with a legend "accepted as real tender in all subterranean transport of the Lands of the Empire of Spain, Portugal and Andalusia" on the back.

In other words, by issuing phony tokens, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros de Toracinia, had managed to build what was in essence the first subway. It consisted of a tunnel dug under the unusual little town's kosher slaughterhouse which in turn led to the mikve. Visitors were pulled by a donkey drawn wagon and deposited in the mikve, clothes and all. Residents and visitors were lured to purchase these coins with real gold or silver coins, and then forced to use the subway by rather menacing local psychotics, each of whom received a token a day as their token wages.

And Don Vital Hayim would melt down all the legitimate coins he received from travelers, after having his trusted smelter make a proper impression of their head and tail sides so that he could stamp them on recycled iron swords which he melted down and then plated ever so lightly with the gold of the legitimate coins.

These new counterfeit base metal coins, in high denominations, were gladly accepted by market sellers who handed over change amounting to at least eighty five centavos on the real in legitimate coinage. Invariably, a Toracinian would appear at the market in rags, saying he had come to buy one egg, or one sharp pepper, for his King. And the merchants would accept his real and give him just that, with quite a handful in change.

The eggs were saved for throwing at chariots which entered Toracinia on Shabbat, which was called for a different day each week. And the peppers were soaked to make a blinding, irritating solution that was added to the de Menubal ancestral product "La Barata" so that the mixture could be thrown at women and girls who dared enter the new kingdom on days when entrance was restricted to men.

As for the kosher slaughterhouse, it schechted far more customers than meat. Since Toracinia was so well known for its adherence to tznius, unwitting consumers from as far afield as Yemen would travel to purchase kosher meat there. They were asked to put up a fifty per cent deposit in verifiable coinage and to enter the mikveh via the tunnel before even choosing a cut of meat. Of course they could not enter without purchasing a token, so that they purchased same in the hallway of the butcher shop and handed it to the rather floridly psychotic mikveh attendant, who insisted he was Avraham Avinu and was also the mashgiach for the schechita. Avraham Avinu would then appear after tevila and prove that the unwitting mark had paid for the meat with a token, and that he had paid with counterfeit coinage, which was of course actually produced in Toracinia and substituted for the real coins which the traveler had brought.

After the mark forked over a few more coins, he would be presented with a package of "Nacional Ebreo" smoked meat, a rather unreliable and distasteful product, simply wrapped in a certificate signed by the illiterate wannabe Avraham Avinu as mashgiach. If any customer would protest, he would be duly attacked by the mashgiach, and then would quickly get on his horse or donkey and leave town fast.

But all of these scams were nothing compared to the "Flores de Toracina" and "Bayit del Reposo (Rest Home) del Crede del Moros" that was perpetrated by the son of Don Vital Hayim, Don Samuel Gronem, Gronem being a corruption of the name Geronimo (Jerome).

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Breaking News: Creedmoorer Soifer Found Floating in Aegean Sea


The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.

Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.

Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.

However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.

Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.

Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.

So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.

However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.

Newsflash: "Creedmoorer Goyte" arrested with false green card


The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.

The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.

When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."

An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.

As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.

Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul


Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Coming on Friday...The Kingdom of Toracinia


Forget Don Quixote del Toboso, or is it Dulcinea del Toboso. Meet El Rey de los Reyes Melech Malchei Hamelachim Vital Haim de Menubal de Toracinia....

"He found exactly what he was looking for when, thrown out of his house yet again by his mother in law, he went off for a long ride on his purloined steed Hamor, reaching a rocky outcrop claimed by no one and inhabited only by a flock of birds. This outcrop and the surrounding few hectares would become the Kingdom of Toracinia, consisting only of a palace and a mint which produced coinage bearing the emblem of the de Menubal de Toracinia dynasty......a squirrel feeding on acorns and the infamous "pan de kokosh", as the vile and deplorable de Menubal stock in bakery trade was now called..."

"Knowing that he risked execution for his many financial shenanigans and sale of adulterated foodstuffs, he often feigned insanity in public. de Menubal claimed he moved his family to the foreboding rocky lands in order to harvest the famous flora de Toracinia that was known to help in cases of extreme madness.............."

Monday, October 26, 2009

The True Beginnings of the Schmoigerman Scammer Dynasty - Don Vital Haim de Menubal part 2


The enterprising and thoroughly corrupt Hymie would soon find a new use for his mentor Du'ecq's "la barata". He found out that a concentrated solution of Du'ecq's adulterated wine vinegar would soften wood, enabling him to change the inscriptions on the famous wooden alms entitlement cards that were his family's stock in trade ever since they arrived in Spain from Eretz Yisroel.

So, he began to issue his own cards and then to soften them, change the inscriptions on them, and resell them after one mark after another purchased them from him at 80 or 90 per cent of face value and found themselves essentially paying 150 per cent more for staples at the market as the counterfeit cards only entitled the bearer to a small and basic food ration. The rest of the ration was indeed paid for by the community, and went to none other than Hymie himself.

In addition, Hymie would augment his income by running what became known as "la juega de Sheketz Arroz," the infested rice game. He would lend one particular market stallholder money at exorbitant interest, and send thugs to mark all of his dried goods with the damning phrase "Sheketz Arroz" - "an abomination in the rice". This meant that the goods were not kosher, and that most gentiles would reject them as well due to insect infestation. Miraculously, a Menubal agent would appear at the stand with a wagon load of "BaDaTz Sefarad Mehadrin" grains, certified with a barely visible kosher seal, of course by none other than "Haham Vital Haim de Menubal". Never mind that such a certification was not even worth the material used in manufacturing the seal; most women in Spain were illiterate and had no idea what the seal meant. Indeed, consumers believed that the grains were special and therefore willing to pay three times the price of regular grain.

Soon enough, Hymie Nebela became a wholesale grain trader, or more accurately a wholesale fraudster of the first order. He invented a new measure called the "sharp ton" (tonna acuta), which consisted of perhaps three tenths of an actual ton, the remainder of the crate being filled with nothing but what was termed "wind and hot air". Of course the price for a "sharp ton" of Nebela flour or rice would equal four times that of an actual ton of non kosher certified grains, and anyone who complained or refused to take the Nebela grains on credit at exorbitant interest would awaken the next morning to find an armed thug and a sign "Nebela Foods Limited" adorning their stall. By now, practically every merchant who had not been driven to ruin by the Sheketz Arroz scheme was forced to buy from the Nebela enterprises.

And since royal titles were easy enough to obtain in the various kingdoms that comprised the Spanish territories, even Hymie Nebela became a knight, taking the royal name of "Don Vital Haim de Menubal, Duca de Vaca". In time, Duca de Vaca, which meant Duke of Cow, would become the basis for an old Spanish song mocking the easy availability of such titles. And later on, in the colonies, English colonists would mistranslate the title of the song as "Duke of Earl", also mocking spurious titles of nobility which were as available in England for the right price just as they were in Spain.

Now, as a nobleman, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, who still claimed to be the very model of a Spanish rabbinical scholar, could realize his long held goal. He could rise to the very greatest heights of deceit and avarice by opening his own private mint, using the same principles of honesty and manipulation of weight and measures that he relied upon to invent and popularize the "sharp ton".

All Don Vital Haim de Menubal had to do was to find a willing king with a willing kingdom. This, as we shall see, proved quite simple for this man of great imagination and even greater moral turpitude.

Don Vital Haim - from Nebela to De Menubal..making a mint the old fashioned way - part 1


Certainly, the most distinguished ancestor in the Schmoigerman-Nebela-de Menubal family tree was Don Vital Haim de Menubal. Born Hymie Nebela in Montres, Vital Haim de Menubal would actually become the proprietor of a mint of his very own.

Having been banished from Montres at the age of 12 when the area came under the rule of a nobleman who was determined to remove the "pestilence known as the Nebela family" from his fiefdom, de Menubal found himself in a rather sleazy part of the great city of Seville, where his father quickly established himself as a purveyor of many illicit pleasures of the flesh. Young Hymie was of course enlisted to help his distinguished parents, usually as a tout in the now famous "Tres Cartas de Monte" card games, but also as a runner for illicit cash and as a carver of forged wooden alms cards.

But Hymie knew that he could do far more with his inherited penchant for fraud and deceit. So, using the phony alms cards which were given to him as bar mitzvah presents, he obtained bug and excrement infested flour, offal, and rotten or overly dried carobs. With that, he began to bake and sell a product which his ancestor Todros had sold in his take out store in pre churban Yerushalayim, namely pat d'kokosh. Pat d'kokosh was indeed the ancestor of today's kokosh cake, but unlike today's version, which was actually based on an updated and sanitized recipe used by Atilla the Hun who in turn copied it from a de Menubal who supplied him with weaponry for his army, it was a rather disgusting concoction, which included not cocoa, but kokosh, an obscure Aramaic word referring to what is today known in any mikveh dressing room as "dreck". (Apparently the Huns, ancestors of the Hungarian Magyars, saw the similarity in appearance between dreck and cocoa and adapted the word kokosh to mean the cocoa used in the sanitized version of kokosh cake.)

At this time, Jewish families began to mark their homes with carvings of noble animals - for instance an Aryeh Yehuda would mark his home with a lion, or a Binyamin Zeev with a wolf. In due time these animals would become part of the family names taken by Jews to avoid being known as Jews during the Inquisition; Lopez from Lobo, meaning a wolf, or de Leon from leon, which even a graduate of Toire veKanois should recognize as the Spanish word for lion.

And young Hymie often found his way to a home situated far from the rest of the stately homes of the "juderia", or Jewish quarter, and marked with that most ignoble of animals, the lowly rat.

This was the abode of Solomon Du'ecq, "La Rata de la Juderia," a miserable little rodent of a man who made his rather prosperous living not only as a swindler who claimed he needed investment to build palaces for some noble or another, but also as a moser who would report Jews for violations of unenforced rules, such as those pertaning to manufacture of wine for Kiddush. This was because Du'ecq, in some dialects pronounced with a soft R, similar to the Arabic 'ghayin, in place of the u, had yet another enterprise; relabeling vinegar as wine and selling it as "wine of the Cohen Gadol*," which he had ostensibly had in his family's possession since the dispersal of Jews to Spain after the churban. His wine was also known as "La Barata" as it was less expensive than proper wine, and soon, cleaning ladies from the Latin American colonies who cleaned homes in the Juderia would learn that "La Barata" was actually not bad for washing floors.

But the Jewish matrons, who were familiar with Greek words from their husbands' commercial travels, referred to it as "La Economicqa," also meaning "the cheap stuff". And they would also find out fast enough that they did not need to buy "La Economicqa" from the reprehensible Du'ecq, but that they could find a similar product, namely simple diluted vinegar, in any marketplace throughout the Spanish Empire. (Years later, another renegade, perhaps a Du'ecq descendant, would migrate from Aleppo to Ottoman Palestine and begin selling liquid chlorine to his fellow Sefardim who searched for "la economicqa" in then vinegar starved Eretz Yisroel. His fraud backfired as the chlorine proved even more efficient for cleaning floors, and thus was born ekonomika, the national cleaning product and kiddush staple of Eretz Yisroel).

Of course Du'ecq needed to put an end to that, and Hymie de Menubal would be the one who showed him how, to the great benefit of both and to the detriment of every Jewish balabuste in the Spanish Empire.

*(It is indeed believed that Du'ecq was the ancestor of the noted Pedro Domecq, a very legitimate vintner and distiller who founded the House of Pedro Domecq, now part of global giant Pernod Ricard. Apparently, a renegade member of the clan, forced to live as a Catholic after the Inquisition, actually engaged in legitimate commerce (an anathema for the Du'ecq clan) and began selling proper wine and brandy while changing his name to avoid both persecution and association with the Du'ecq clan. This is quite plausible as the main product of Pernod Ricard is pastis, known in the Jewish world as arak. It is known that Solomon Du'ecq's grandson, also named Solomon, began selling arak distilled from worn out wooden alms cards, moldy pat d'kokosh, and various and sundry other forms of detritus and ordure. Moreover, arak is often referred to as dreck especially by unwitting yeshiva bochurim who taste it for the first time on Purim and find themselves suffering from headaches and gastric distress for several days.)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Correction...and the yichus goes even further back, to Sdom!


This from the Haham baLeylot of the Sefardi Congregation of Creedmoor (Frenkel's Shul), Haham Rahamim Loyashar:

"Gimpel, your information about the cards is not correct. I am also a de Menubal de Montres on my mother's side and we were always told this about the "tres cartas":

In Spain of old, the poor were supported anonymously, with wooden cards which they took to the market and which entitled the bearer to free food and clothing that was then tallied by the merchant and paid for by the communal tzedaka fund.

Our ancestors forged and sold these cards, and also used them in their card tricks that later became three card monty when printed playing cards replaced the cumbersome shingle sized wooden alms cards. Once the counterfeit cards were forged and sold, the situation became such that the community tzedaka fund was paying for food and clothing for thousands of poor people. Actually, the Jewish population of the town was perhaps 1000 with maybe 30 true aniyim or cholim. Yet, just as today with our Federal chessed program fraud, somehow 40,000 aniyim were getting free food from the communal till!

Of course most of the free food which was obtained by Nebela shills or family members was being exported to other parts of the Spanish empire, or sold in one or more of the Nebela restaurants, take out shops or even the famous HyperNebela supermarket. The rest of the cards were sold to renegade Jews and goyim alike. In fact, the phrase "Shygetz Aross" is based on the Judeo-Spanish phrase "Sheketz, arroz," meaning that there is an unclean creature in the rice, but also a code meaning that a non-Jew was coming to buy food with an improperly obtained tzedaka fund card.

HyperNebela was the first major kosher store in medieval Spain to accept both forged and authentic alms cards, albeit of course for its own reasons, namely both collecting cash from the alms fund AND reselling the cards to unwary travelers who were told it was a sort of identification card that was necessary to carry when traveling in the region.

Actually, it was an identification card of sorts as we Nebelas controlled much of the brigandry in the region and when one of our highway robbers saw this card he knew that the traveler was a mark and a sucker who was therefore fair game. We were true followers in the ways of Sdom ve'Amorah, but rather than getting burned and turned into pillars of salt, today we are the leaders in pillage when it comes to incinerating buildings and salting insurance proceeds away in Lichtenstein, Panama and the Cayman Islands.

In fact our earliest traceable ancestor is someone who fled Sdom before it was turned into a pillar of salt. The chain of descent from the Baalei HaChessed d'Sdom is lost, however, and only our reputation for chessed and mischar al pi minhag Sdom remains.

So, the three cards referred either to the three alms cards per resident that were forged by Yedidya Todros around the time of the naming of the city, or to the three wooden alms cards that marks placed their bets on while playing the predecessor of Three Card Monty."

Hope this helps, and thank you for preserving the history of our distinguished family for future generations of avarice and deceit.

Haham Rahamim Loyashar de Menubal de Montres, Samach Mem."

The Origins: A Stone Inscription


Palestinian archaeologists who dug up a mound not far from Har HaBayis in a harebrained attempt to prove the absence of a Jewish presence in Yerushalayim were dumbstruck.

Here was what they dreaded the most; an engraved stone panel that, while worn, was clearly a list of prices for takeout food from a kosher butcher. Stymied in their attempt to disprove the Jewish connection to Yerushalayim, they hurriedly covered the mound and returned to their bomb making workshop in Abou Qalb, where in due time they obliterated any traces of themselves in a work accident.

But the hastily covered over mound attracted the attention of none other than Creedmoorer stalwart Boylish Krechtz, the famous kanoi of garbage can burning fame. As Krechtz, born Boaz Kramer, was a former Hebrew University student become kanoi "baal tshuva" (who was actually on the payroll of both the ShaBaK and the Admou"r who in any case may well be collaborating with one another), he recognized the mound as an archaeological dig similar to one he had participated in before his conversion (which was said to be a way of escaping cocaine and Ecstacy charges stemming from a number of rave parties he organized for his fellow students).

Knowing he could resell anything he found there to any number of museums under the guise of getting it out of Zionist hands and therefore aiding his beloved Palestinian cause, Krechtz uncovered the mound and found a stone panel with the words:

"Pat d'kokosh. 11 dinar"
"Basar d'flanken 31 dinar"
"Chamar 18 dinar litra"
"Kigel d'Karta 17 dinar"

In other words, he had found the window banner from a take out shop that had existed on this very spot centuries earlier.

And then his curiosity became even greater when he saw the slab of stone was seemingly vandalized with words that looked like "Cherem d'BaDatz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim".

He called his beloved Rebbe, who thanked him profusely, and asked him to decipher any other words which he could manage to read.

The only other word not destroyed by time contained the letters nun, beis, lamed - novol or perhaps nevela.

It took the Admou"r only one second to realize that his chossid had found the menu of his ancestor's Shabbos take out store, which had been put in cherem by the "BaDaTz Sanhedrin Yerushalayim" for selling nevelos.

And when his ancestor Todros escaped Yerushalayim years before the churban, after being banished by that very beis din which put him in cherem, he would bring with him a title deed to the second Beis HaMikdash. Of course, it was forged in the same stone workshop where he had printed his Shabbos take out menus.

And the most distinguished descendant of Todros the carrion vendor was his grandson, known as "Don Yedidya Teodoro Nebela," the Don in this case being a similar honorific to that used by the fictitious Don Vito Corleone. After a series of expulsions and banishments for various and sundry defalcations, he went on to settle in a town that became known as "Montres," a short version of its full name of "Monte de las Tres Cartas," or mountain of the three cards. While two of the three cards were said to be the shnei luchois habris, or at least the smashed luchois that Don Teodoro claimed he possessed and would sell time and time again to Jewish travelers, it was not known what the third card represented until very recent times when welfare cheques were replaced with EBT cards.

Indeed, it was here that a card game would be invented that would bring the first Nebelas a great deal of money and cement their nefarious reputation. That card game, the simplest of sleight of hand tricks, would later make its way to the New World with a stowaway on the Columbus ship "Pinta". And among English speaking arrivals to what had been Nieuw Amsterdam, the game became known as Three Card Monty, in honor of the town of origin of the family which had introduced it to the colonies.

The Nebelas of Montres would establish themselves quite nicely with the proceeds from their game, their resale of the luchois habris, and of course the ancestral trade of carrion butchery.

They also amassed many a cherem and were more than once sentenced to banishment, but this hardly mattered to them. Even then, the Nebelas were kanoim who despised the official rabbanim and negidim of Spain as "just a bunch of koifrim and tzioinim" and they soon established their own independent kehilla.

Soon, an even more extinguished descendant of Todros the take out man would go one step further and essentially establish his own kingdom, or at least his own currency.

He was Don Vital Haim Nebela, who would be renamed Don Vital Haim de Menubal, the de prefix indicating a royal favor, or in this case, well, a royal pain in the posterior.

(Next Post: From Nebela to de Menubal: Knighted for Running His Own Mint)

The Vast and Noble Yichus of the Admou"r meCreedmoor


One of the highlights of the ongoing Moisdos Creedmoor d' Pluto melave malka was the unveiling of the noble, and rather straight, Schmoigerman ilan hayochsin (family tree).

More is coming tomorrow as we decipher the document, but the highlights are:

1) The Schmoigerman family tree began in a village in Spain called "Monte de los Tres Cartas", shortened to Montres, and it is from there that a well known card game, about which more will be told tomorrow, originated in the very family that later became Schmoigerman.

2) The family name at the time of expulsion from Spain was de Menubal, which as you can see is derived from the word "menuval". The family was expelled from Spain 100 years before the Inquisition ever began, for reasons that we will share with you in future posts.

Researchers believe the first Schmoigerman ancestor to reach Spain was a butcher who sold "nevela," or carrion, meat that died of natural causes which of course is not kosher. Apparently because of the prices he charged, the surname was not Nebela but the more refined de Menubal, for it was as if the butcher himself was one and the same as his meat. The surname is a testimony to the nature of the family even from the days of churban bayis sheini, which as der Admou"r cries "iz der antziger binyon I haven't claimed yet fin der insurance!" Yes, der Admou"r possesses a title deed and insurance policy on the second beis hamikdosh, and he explained how he came to possess this document and how it came to be that the property was registered in his ancestor's name!

3) The ancestors of der Admou"r married within the family, with one noble exception. It was that exception whose surname became a part of the Yiddish mikveh vernacular to this very day.

4) The family name became Schmoigerman in Hungary in 1768, when Hoishe Menuvalcso, who bore the Hungarian variant of the de Menubal surname, was branded "shoiteh, menuval, vegas ruach" on one of the first pashkvilkelach issued by the "Adas Charydim Nagyszar" of Nagyszar, Hungary. Apparently this name had something to do with the manner in which Menuvalcso manufactured and sold kokosh cake that contained wood chips, animal waste and other noxious refuse. That pashkvilke was the first printed by my own ancestor, and this is how we bear the surname Pashkvilkemacher rather than Nagyszarvary or a similar Hungarian surname.

5) The Admour's zaide escaped Nagyszar and was not a kapo as was believed. Instead, he was a British double agent who ran a black market, and had his own currency in Mea Shearim, which was a precursor to the food stamp. However, unlike Reb Amram Bloy who also ran a voucher system, the Admou'r's zaide Reb Groinem Schmoigerman sold his vouchers for "tzioinish gelt" which he then converted into pounds sterling. He served as a well known moneychanger, and was known for issuing his own "lira, franken, shekel, dolar, funt" in denominations not produced by the mint or central bank of the issuing entity.

6) The Admou"r was adopted by a secular couple in Canada for a short while when his mother feigned insanity and had herself committed to Creedmoor in order to escape a jail sentence for assisting her husband with several botched burglaries. He ran away from his adoptive parents after six months, and joined his mother, who by then had forged a title deed to her room and two adjacent rooms, in Creedmoor. Rebbetzin Shprintze-Cholerye Schmoigerman was therefore the first Creedmoorer Rebbetzin even if her son and not her husband (an amateur chazzan known as Der Zinger fin Sing-Sing) became Admou"r.

More details on this noble and exalted lineage coming tomorrow, motzash and Sunday as we relate the distinguished history of a family which dedicated itself to gezel, mirmo, machloikes and geneivas daas even as far back as churban bayis sheini!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The first KKK certified product is...


Effective as soon as the check cashes, the following product is certified Kasher leMehadrin leGoalei Nefesh and Noki Mekol Chashash Timas haTzioinis by the "KKK" regardless of whether any symbol appears on the boxes:

"Uncle Mahmoud"'s No Hands Rice Casserole, Kholsad-Jendeh Sharia Rice Mills, Shiraz, Iran.

No Hands Rice Casserole (horesht-i-khosdeh) mixes are easy to use even when recovering from a second or third sharia amputation. We at KKK Kashrus are pleased to welcome our first product and its most reliable manufacturer, Sharia Judge "Chainsaw Mohammad" Ahmadzadeh.

The KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel


While the Creedmoor Clearwater Cretinaceous Choir sang the new nigun "Akalel, Akalkel, Achalel, Asakel" in between the Admou"r's usual slurred and garbled words, the Admou"r announced the founding of his new kashrus agency, the Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel (KKK).

"We cannot continue to use the tzioinish spelling of Creedmoor now that the malachye hachabala of Interpol are trying to destroy all that is holy by issuing a warrant for the arrest of the nonexistent director of my holy institutions which also do not exist although they have obtained bank financing for billions. Therefore, our new organization which will ensure only the highest standards of kashrus on every plant and factory which we insure for more than its value, shall be called the KKK - Kreedmoor Kashrus Kartel. We must remember that K means kosher, and three K means very kosher, super mehadrin, free of all chashash of timas haTzioinis vekol shaar marin bishin...

And we will make sure EVERY single food plant in the world, except those which use products from the tzioinish entity and do not wish to pay our fee, receive a certificate from us. That is because I hereby command that Reb Doson Shtarkerbein, the holy and exalted director of the Bulvanim squad, who will be fined eleven food stamps for his failure to attend this tish, is to enforce the terms of universal compliance with our contract through the hyliger ydei Esav.

Or in simple English, you sign a contract, you pay, you get the KKK. You don't sign a contract, you don't pay, you get a visit from Moose the mikveh guard! You are getting it now? You are understanding how we are enforcing kashrus?

And not only will we send bulvanim to any establishment which refuses a contract, we will make sure that no seller of tzioinish tarfus is metamei another ehrliche ben Yishmoel by announcing on every wall that anyone who refuses our hechsher is in chyrem, by forging the names of every rov in the world who means anything, even the tzioinim./

Only in this way can we be sure that all food sold to hyliger bnei Yishmoel who follow in our honored ways of gezel, mirma, machloikes, and pirud is kasher lemehadrin and halal lemafreya!

At the end of this announcement, the Creedmoorer Cretin Constellation Choir broke into cheers of K-K-K, and the Admou"r commanded them to wear white robes and hoods for the rest of the tish..

Monday, October 19, 2009

Creedmoor Kashrus Coming Soon!


The link between here and Pluto (as in my Internet connection) keeps going down. As soon as it is back to normal, hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to post the kashrus news and other highlights of the Admou"r's tish.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Admou"r Opens New Pluto Based Kashrus Agency


The letter K means kosher. The letters KKK mean triple kosher. So explains the creator of the latest in ultra-mehadrin kosher symbols, the one and only Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who announced the opening of his new kashrus agency during his Motzoei Shabbos tish on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

The KKK symbol is bound to be controversial, as its entire modus operandi is very questionable even by rather lax Schmoigerman standards. Firms which do not wish to accept the certification are approached by anywhere from three to ten of the volunteers who comprise the famed Bulvanim community patrol.....

More coming soon!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

First Report from Pluto - The Moisdois Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka


This is only a short report of the present chaos which is occuring as all 150 quintillion of the Admou"r's personalities are being transported to the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At present, the Admou"r explained that thanks to some mushrooms provided by his loyal Alcatrazer Rebbetzin (Creedmoor West Coast), he reached Pluto just as soon as he chose to end Shabbos, which was sometime last Thursday, and he is now ready to begin the melave malka because after a steady diet of Alcatrazer Mushroom Kigel from Berzerkley he is able to bring all 150 quintillion of his personalities to his new moisdos.

Tomorrow morning, we will be able to decipher the Admou"r's latest gibberish and explain how it was none other than der Admou"r allyne who had Pluto declassified as a planet - and how he came to hold the title deed for the celestial body.

In addition, there will be a major kashrus announcement from the Admou"r, so come back tomorrow for more Creedmoorish Cretinism and loads of interplanetary gezel vemirma!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Emergency Update from Der Admou"r: Chyrem on Entertainment


(Translated from the original Kanoish dialect of Gibberish)

"How long will it take until our generation understands that the only forms of recreation acceptable to those of us who follow in the ways of our exalted forefathers Kayin, Koirach, Doson, Avirom, Bilom, all the way through the generations to our benighted and orphaned generation where my words are as dust in the wind, are those which perpetuate our exalted duties to bring machloikes and pirud into this world!

We are yet again dismayed to hear that members of our holy conflagration, which has consumed so many insured buildings in its wake yet has not brought the final redemption of all food stamps, Pathmark double coupons, or even our hyliger Machloikes Dollars, let alone Nauru Series B bonds backed by avian guano, that holy substance which sustains our hyliger kehilla, are listening to music that is of the lowest kind, that which brings forth the toeva which the koifrim of our generation refer to so brazenly as "ehrliche negine" but is in reality toieva because it is a balm to the soul and therefore influences the listener to fight against the prolongation of this Golus that we so adore and which allows us to obtain our parnosse through the holiest means of Welfare, Section 8, Medicare, heat subsidies, and insurance fraud.

Therefore, I once again reiterate that ALL MUSIC WHICH HAS WORDS THAT DO NOT PROMOTE MACHLOIKES IS OSSUR LEMEHADRIN and ANY STORE WHICH SELLS SUCH MUSIC AS WELL AS ANY HOME OR CAR IN WHICH SUCH MUSIC IS PLAYED, EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE HOLY IN THAT IT IS FILLED WITH CHANDELIERS PURCHASED WITH FOOD STAMPS AND PROCEEDS FROM INSURANCE FRAUD, IS IN THE STRICTEST CHEREM. I have instructed our holiest of holies, the hyliger Bulvanim modesty squad, to stand guard at ALL HOMES AND STORES and to be prepared to damage and destroy all property, life and limb belonging to those who counteract my most holy decree.

I have also instructed the hyliger chazzan, Reb Shmarya Schmendrick Schmaltzsinger, to record a new album of the most exalted niggunim of our community. The album, to be called "Machloikes, Machloikes, Machloikes," will be available at subsidized prices to any hyliger Yid who brings in one or more disks of the niggunim of toieva and at least three carats worth of diamond jewelry that is not fitting for a pas Yisroel."

Signed: Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishone deKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Baal haMachloikes d'Doirynee hoYasoim, Admou"r Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman d'Pirud Kehillos Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin Hamisragshim UVoim Leoilom Voed.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sneak Preview and Please Introduce Yourselves


Just to let everyone know, this Motzoei Shabbos we will be bringing you a report, live, from the Creedmoorer Shtibl on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet, where the Admou"r will be fiering tish and kishing tush for the first time since he opened the shtibl in....yes, 5779 (we will explain this as part of our exclusive report as well, so don't worry, we do know what year this is even if the Admou"r doesn't). The Admou"r will finally even explain why it is that Pluto is no longer a planet, and you will be very surprised to learn the real reason behind this cosmic decison.

Also, could inzere hyliger visitors please use the comments feature on this post to introduce yourselves? I'd be interested to see where you are coming from and what you think of what I realized is actually one of the longest, if not THE longest, running Jewish humor blogs in cyberspace.

A groysen dank,

Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher MD (Morally Defunct) for himself and for the late Rabbi Gedalia Dreckschreiber, Esq, Former Renowned Legal Malpractice Specialist, now "Deceased for Welfare and Insurance Purposes" and residing happily in the basement of the Ku Klutz Karta Masjid on Saddle River Road with his equally malfunctioning friends Imam Ismail Daoud al-Beyda (ne Weiss) and Ayatollah Moussa al-Dib Beck.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Schmoigerman Confirmed as Nobel Economics Prize Winner


No one is sure of his actual name, for his surname comes from the abbreviation for three rather pejorative Hebrew words meaning fool, "lowlife" and coarse of spirit. And he resides in the vacant part of a well known New York City psychiatric hospital, his 150 quintillion followers clearly a product of his deluded imagination.

Meet Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, fraudster extraordinaire and recipient of the 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics. Never mind that his own existence is a subject of much doubt; he has fraudulently masterminded the granting of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama as well as the granting of the economics prize to his own very self.

Yet, there are many who would argue that anyone who can successfully register 150 quintillion souls for various and sundry entitlement programs throughout the world, claim huge daily insurance payouts on burned properties which do not show on any maps, and maintain both a diagnosis of clinical insanity and his own independent country, is clearly worthy of some prize for economics.

After all, Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, who admits in his authorized biography that he received higher rabbinical ordination by sending boxtops of kosher cereal to what probably was a prank offer orchestrated either by himself or a co-conspirator, has essentially created his own economy, in which his welfare and subsidy cheques as well as his insurance payouts are used to finance yet more fraud.

For instance, according to forged corporate records in the "Annals of the Great and Exalted Republic of Schmoigermania", one of the four or five registered names of the Rabbi's political entity which is located on the grounds of the Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman or his affiliated congregations own controlling shares in most every major insurer throughout the world. This of course enables him to pay out policies on his own properties that do not seem to exist, although it is said that he inspires a few real world followers to commit acts of arson in order to profit from properties that have lost value due to the economic downturn.

Then, there is the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor, Alcatraz Branch, which issues foodstamps in very odd denominations, bearing only a slight resemblance to authentic United States issued food stamps and accepted only by a strange cabal of grocers who seem to have ties to the rump "Neturei Karta" (Ku Klutz Kartel) of Monsey, New York and Manchester, UK. These grocers purchase the Schmoigermanic stamps from the Bank at a price somewhere between ten and fifteen cents on the dollar to return to customers who insist on change in cash for food stamp purchases (illegal) and then accept the stamps along with 138% of the purchase price in actual stamps for purchases of prepared food, household chemicals (especially kerosene) and other items that are not sold legally in exchange for food stamps.

And when the Admou"r runs out of food stamps to fund more and more audacious fraud projects, including, for instance, the sale of defective or expended American and European medical equipment to Fourth, Fifth and Sixth world nations (it is believed there is a Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman Street in Mogadishu, Somalia, so named by a grateful warlord who was able to use the Schmoigerman fraud machine to launder money in Schmoigerman's certified Maytag and Siemens washing machines), he simply prints more and more, and trades it for the sovereignty of his country by allowing holders of American, EU and especially Iranian currency to invest in "Schmoigermania" by purchasing "Hyliger Dreck Bonds" which boast an annual interest rate of 1600% paid out in of course Schmoigerman bucks.

If the average reader does not understand this, he need look only to the economy in the United States of America, whose President just won a Nobel Peace Prize thanks to the efforts of Schmoigerman affiliated judges "50 Cent", Beyonce Knowles, Michael Moore, and Perez Hilton. The United States under the Hussein Obama administration simply prints money to fund the purchase of defunct automobile firms, as well as to bail out insurance companies. This in turn devalues its currency, real estate and other investment vehicles so that Chinese investors, as well as Arabs who expensively feed American appetites for petroleum, are able to purchase the country's strategic assets for pennies on the devalued dollar.

The main difference is that Schmoigerman seems to have no tangible assets whatsoever except holdings in a small kokosh cake bakery located in the basement of a Rockland County Chassidic enclave. Then again, said "Kalman's Kushin Tuches Kokosh Kake Fabrik" is held free and clear by its investors. American assets are mortgaged to the hilt as the US digs itself further and further into debt.

So, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, who turns phantom assets into real money, and maintains both a sovereign nation and a vehicle for obtaining welfare from most of the free world, received the Nobel Prize for Economics.

And Mubarak Saddam Hussein Obama, who turns real assets into real liabilities, compromises the economic sovereignty of the United States and turns it into a vehicle for cheap sale to the highest bidder from the not so free world, received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Breaking Mikve News: Schmoigerman to Receive Nobel Prize for Economics


In return for his support of Obama's successful Nobel Peace Prize candidacy, it is rumored that Rabbi David Schmoigerman of Creedmoor will receive the Nobel Prize for Economics in recognition of his work toward creating a phantom economy.

More tomorrow as details become available.....

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

A Creedmoorer Is Excused From Jury Duty


Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman was surprised to receive a summons for Jury Duty addressed to his phantom twenty year old son, Jose Raheem Schmoigerman. Jose Raheem Schmoigerman is of course registered as severely disabled, blind, mentally ill, and residing at a nonexistent address in the Bronx.

Nevertheless, the rabbi did indeed receive this summons, and given the obligations which Federal, state and local politicians have toward him, he decided to actually respond to the summons as follows:

"Azoy I em the rebbe of my son Jose Raheem (Yoisef Refoel), I am seyink once from for all dat dis boy iz very severely hendikep, most of all by dat which he never really iz existink and has only a geforged birth sertifiket. Thereby, if you are ever wantink again myne block from 150 kvintilyin registered voterz in your pocket, you are please to revoke from Mr Jose Raheem Schmoigerman, also spelled Yosef Refoel Schmoigerman, and about 10 different ways more on each from his welfare certificates, from any possibility to do jury duty in any State or Federal jurisdiktyen!"

When clerks in the Justice Department read this letter, they instead marked the Schmoigerman file as "Non Compos Mentis," which was just as acceptable to the grand rabbi as it meant that his phantom son would have his phantom mental illness recognized by yet another government office.

Schmoigerman pere, who was planning a levaye for his son should his nonexistence have indeed been improved by the Justice Department, instead announced that his son would lead the flag burning at tonight's Simchas Byse HaSkilo which commemorates the ninth night of the Anti-Zionist festival of Sukkos d'Creedmoor.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Creedmoorer Ushpizin


So who are the Creedmoorer ushpizin for the 12 days of Creedmoorer Sukkos?

First Night: Nachash haKadmoni

Second Night: Kayin

Third Night: Yishmoel

Fourth Night: Lovon

Fifth Night: Esav

Sixth Night: Onan

Seventh Night: Amalek

Eighth Night: Agag

Ninth Night: Homon

Tenth Night: Chmelnitzky

Eleventh Night: Stalin

Twelfth Night: Ben Gurion (burned in effigy along with the sukkah itself).

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sukkos and Preparations for Sukkos In Creedmoor


This year, the procedures for Sukkos in Creedmoor are as follows:

Sale of 10 day insurance policies to cover sukkahs will begin today, 56790 Menachem Av 5708 according to the Creedmoorer calendar.

This year, we are pleased to offer mehudar insurance policies from our very own insurance policy groves in Palermo, Sicily. These policies cover fire and all other forms of damage and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman as the main beneficiary. All other insurance policies are considered posul this year, especially those issued by any insurance company which is tainted by the timas hatzioinis.

In addition, your choice of dalet minim (representing the arba misois byse din to which we are zoiche) will be available at specially elevated prices. This year we offer either a stone-matchbook-knife-rope set for 6789 food shtempelach, or a stone-lighter-sword-bungee cord set for 9876 food shtempelach. Our take out food department will operate as usual during the sale of dalet minim, and this year we proudly offer polystyrene resin based galle, from polystyrene plants harvested in Eretz Hakoidesh Iran. In addition, those of our nshei chayil who need a new burqa for the chag may be taken advantage of by our Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and her staff of custom tin foil burqa weavers, who will custom fit burqas and charge accordingly. Remember that this year, we do not allow any woman to visit Creedmoor unless she covers her eye slits, so please be prepared to replace your burqa at the entrance to the Creedmoor Sukkos Expo if it does not meet the new higher standards of the Creedmoor Chumra Club.

Sale of kerosene will begin only on Tzioinish Simchas Torah so that the kerosene need not be stored over the period during which the sukkah is standing for insurance inspection. Our kerosene this year is from the Iranian state petroleum corporation and is certified noki mekol chashash timas haTzioinis by Kvoid Kedishas Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani himself. We also have a supply of aged Malaysian kerosene under the hashgacha of Rabbi Dr Mahathir Mohammed but this is available only to those who can prove they have burned down at least 1000 sukkahs over the past 10 years.

Finally, our Bulvanim volunteers are available for both construction and destruction of all fully insured sukkahs. They are graciously offering sukkah construction services for only 1000 food shtempelach this year, payable over a 12 month period in equal installments of 150 shtempelach.

We end by reminding all who have the demerit of participating in the Creedmoorer sukkah festivities to please construct the sukkah walls with Tzioinish flags that are defaced with a swastika. By doing this, you will be mekayem the mitzvah of burning both swastikas and Tzioinish flags, as well as showing solidarity with the true inhabitants of the Land of Israel, may it never be restored to us until we are able to witness the final redemption of our WIC cheques for tin foil shtreimlach and fake Prada tichlach.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Creedmoorer Explains that Machloikes Will Continue Forever


During his famous yechidis (yichud) with his loyal "Bulvanim" squad members after Tzioinish Yom Kippur kiddush yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor explained that machloikes and violence between Jew and Jew will continue forever:

"Loi yissa GOY el GOY cherev" has nothing to do with any Yidden like ourselves, for we, unlike Tzioinim, are not called goyim or even shkootzim but rather we are the only ones who can be called Yidden as we are untainted by tzioinis, work and other goyishe concepts.

Therefore, even after the Lemach haMasriach has arrived, we, the chosen of the chosen, the Bulvanim who are chosen to defend Chassidis Creedmoor against all invaders, real or imagined, will continue our machloikes and even violent machloikes against all others who usurp the name Jew. It will be only the goyim, those who follow such goyishe concepts as the 613 mitzvos or even the 7 mitzvos bnei Noach, who will stop fighting and lead boring, meaningless, unexciting lives after the end of time".

After that speech, the Bulvanim attempted to walk to nearby shuls to start fights and violence, but were too drunk from the "Sholam Weiss Vineyards Pruno" which they drank at kiddush to accomplish much other than being stopped by guards when attempting to leave the Creedmoor grounds.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Schmoigerman Delineates Procedure for Kappoores


"I hereby proclaim that it is most meritorious to expunge our sins by circling a burning Zionist flag around our heads 5708 times to expunge the terrible sin which was created in 5708.

Then, this flag should be thrown into a heavily insured chicken coop as a reminder of the chickenly cowardice of the Zionist regime.

We invite all of you who walk in the extinguished light of Chassidus Creedmoor to participate in our "A Kappoooore" on Monday morning, Tzioinish Yom Kippur, at 6 AM, in the Azoroh of the Creedmoorer Beis Mikdosh, formerly known as D-ward Exercise Yard, Ir HaKoidesh Creedmoor, Queens, Republic of the Great Satan leminyehem otherwise known as the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of the Most Exalted Congregation of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor.

Guests will include His Highness Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, The Most Exalted Blathering Fool El Hajj Muammar el-KaDaffy, and our dear partners in sinas chinom and anti-Zionism who are members of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Thanks to an anonymous donor, flags for kappoores will be available at a reduced price of only 600 food-shtempelach for a standard one square meter flag, sewn by certified burqa weavers in Talibanistan. A less expensive Iranian chador-weaver made model will be available for 360 food-shtempelach per month for 10 months.

Beroiv sreyfo hadras oifos."

-Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish uRishoin beGayves veTayves, Admou"r for Life of the Holy Congregations of Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Sheoil Tachtis, Arva deRabbonon Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, son of Rov Koirach Schmoigerman of Karnotzelvar, Afghanistan."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Der Admou"r Replies to a Tzioinish Meme


fin a tzioinish kefire blog:

Rule number one: Read the rules.
Rule number two: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number three: Write why you chose that superpower over everything else.
Rule number four: Tag and link 7 people and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number five: Fix your broken links.

One: You write der rules in Englisch. I am readink only Hymisch and Ingarisch.

Two: Der superpower I am wantink is der ability tzi brennen all of the tzioinish medine to a crisp efter is gettink out all the people beck to Irak, to Ur-kasdim where we iz comink from anyway, mit a metch and just one gellon fin kerosine efter I am placink on it three hinnert insurance policies!

Three: From what I am wantink dis? Very simple. The tzioinish medine is responsible fin all of the tregideys fin mankind goink beck to der mabil but also inkludink der York messeker, Chmelnitzki, even der Armenian genocide. Iz always wantink everyone to do away mit der tzioinim and it iz clearly the foundink of the medine in 1948 det was responsible far all the tragediye goink beck to many years before it because it says in Avnye Skile that tzioinis this is tima that was created by the nachash hakadmoini and therefore has existed fin the beginnink of time. And alveys I am vant a very git return from myne investment so a gellen fin Iranischer kerosene mit Ahmadinejad's a hechsher is eppes drei tolar end insurence on the medine I ken make maybe far a few billion mit every company which I ken forge a policy.

Four: You want I should teg seven people? OK I teg:

Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Creedmoor

Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerPERSON - Creedmoorer Rebbetzin, Alcatraz

Haham Rahamim Loyashar, Haham BaLeylot of the Dreck for Abidun Frenkel Sephardic Center, Creedmoor

Reb Koppel Ferdganver, Rosh Koilel, Colorado Supermax Federal Koilel

I find three more when I open der velfare list again tonight by kriyas yam soof.

Rule number five: I am not havink no broken links. By mir all is rechts except when I tell myne Chassidim to vote for the links because we iz getting othervise cut fin der velfare.

Shygetz Aross to you too!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Has the Creedmoorer really declared himself a getschke - and why?


The Admou"r meCreedmoor - From Feigning Insanity to Feigning Divinity
The greatest fraudster of the millenium's latest step in his victorious struggle to avoid prosecution.

A Zionist New Year's Editorial from Der Vochediger Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke

While we at the VVBP tend to support the Admou"r meCreedmoor in his perennial struggles against the twin evils of Zionism and working for an honest living, we now wonder how it is that a supposed manhig beAzazel manages to declare himself an object of worship.

We are aware that among the Admou"r's 150 quintillion followers, there are a handful of Elokists who believe that he is indeed lehavdil kavyachol, or at least the midas ha-din, bedecked in a tin foil shtreimel and an orange garbage bag. Needless to say, there is a very good reason that these neshomos are receiving SSI and interred in a padded cell, even if it is the Admou"r Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman who is receiving those payments and charging rent for that cell.

Yet, this is the first time that Schmoigerman has declared that he indeed welcomes being worshipped as some sort of deity, perhaps a modern-day Moloch or Baal Peor. Even for us, this is simply going too far, as we are proud kanoim who believe only in the destruction of the Great Soton of America through multiple acts of federal entitlement program fraud, and of the Minor Satan of the medine through burning garbage cans, flags and everything else that can kindle major insurance conflagrations and explosions.

However, we are not ready to abandon our brave Admou"r in what may be his darkest hour.

Apparently, he is in no way proclaiming himself a getschke because he really believes in his own divinity or anything else other than his own vulgarity. Instead, it has become clear that this is simply the next stage in his quest to fully insulate himself from prosecution by the United States Government, in the horrible instance that the White House should return to its former whiteness after the 2012 elections.

It is expected that the first agenda of a non Affirmative Action president would be to root out massive federal entitlement program fraud, and perhaps even to boycott institutions which recognize the independence of the Independent Anti-Zionist Dictatorial Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor and Additional Ill Occurences (Malchis Sinas Chinom d'Creedmoor veShaar Marin Bishin). This would mean that the Admou"r can be duly prosecuted and eventually jailed or at the very least forced to flee to Iran (where his presence could serve as a pretense for bombing the Pistachio-Islamic Republic to shards). So, the Admou"r rightfully fears that his present status of interminate criminal insanity combined with recognition as a leader of an independent republic is not enough to guarantee him immunity.

Therefore, his call to return to the ways of Terach and indeed to worship likenesses of none other than his august, september, october and november self, is but another affirmation of his utter and incurable insanity. His rabbinical ordination has finally been validated after the final count of cereal box tops and milk cartons that were sent to the proper PO box, so that he cannot deny he remains a rabbi. On the other hand, he has now declared himself an idol, which makes it clear to only the most biased observer that he is indeed clinically insane and therefore should remain immune from prosecution so long as he claims Creedmoor as his primary residence and the residence of his 150 quintillion Chassidim.

D-ward has been granted to him in perpetuity and it is the only piece of property that he owns and has not burned to a crisp. Hence, it is clear that our revered and reviled Admou"r is in Creedmoor to stay and therefore need not fear jail now that he has proclaimed himself a getschke thereby showing his total, complete and utter feigned insanity once and for all.

We end by saluting the Admou"r's decision to get a piece of the market for New Age objects of worship and neo-Kabbalah charms by selling likenesses of himself. Indeed, we applaud his utter lack of respect for the Zionist tractate of Choshen Mishpat in that he declares outright that he has exaggerated the amount of precious metal in each silver or gold idol.

In fact, we at the VVBP have found that most of the Schmoigerman statues sold in "Uncle Terach's Alter Heim Getschke Gescheft" are made of recycled shtreimel grade tin foil and duly marked as silver or gold depending on whether or not they are spraypainted gold.

NB: Uncle Terach's is among our advertisers and is distinguished by having the oldest accounts payable, only because our bank refuses to cash food stamps issued by the Schmoigermanic Bank of Creedmoor and our newsprint and ink suppliers do not accept food stamps as payment. Otherwise, Uncle Terach's and its predecessor Megadreck Mehadrin, as well as its affiliated "Biyur haBinyan" enterprises would actually be running a positive balance of 100,000,000 Schmoigerman food stamps.