Thursday, May 28, 2009

Emergency Psak from the Admou"r - Listening to the 10 Commandments


As we do not believe in the Tzionish commandment of Loi Signoiv, we instruct all of our followers who limp in the flickering light of the burned out one watt bulb of Chassidus Creedmoor to stamp their feet and shout "Shygetz Aross" should they find themselves in a Tzioinish minyan where all 10 commandments are recited. And those who do this during Loi Sachmoid as well are especially worthy of praise and an extra piece of "Schmoigerman's Cholov Yisroel Parve Lard Cheesecake".

Should said cheesecake not be available at your Tzioini synagogue kiddush, I refer you to my prior psak regarding the permissibility of transacting business with US currency on Yom Tov, as it is considered tumas hatzioinis. Therefore, said cheesecake can be purchased on Yom Tov d'Tzioinim but with currency only and not with food stamps which indeed are legal tender according to the Darchei Shoid v'Gezel.

Regarding the use of counterfeit versus legitimate food stamps to make purchases on Tzioinish Yomim Toivim, it is remarkable that the sons and daughters, real as well as those existing only for purpose of receiving subsidies, of this weak and damaged generation in its Zionist induced darkness and prevailing ignorance do not understand that all Creedmoorer food stamps are counterfeit so that there is a severe problem of maris ayin regarding purchases made with legitimate food stamps which indeed are negiim betumas hatzioinis.

The ideal situation would be to make purchases using counterfeit US currency so long as there is no risk of detection.

Signed this day of 56789 Av 5708, in the 61st year of mourning of the Naqba.

-Dovid Schmoigerman, av arba misois beis din veavi avois hatuma d'Perud Kehillois Creedmoor, Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Teheran.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The End - Schmoigerman Bows Out...


Remaining Anonymous to suha, graham
show details 12:21 AM (0 minutes ago)



As you have not been forthcoming with any information regarding the fallaciousness of the "Red Security Company," and you have caused me to travel to Dubai for no reason whatsoever, thereby depriving my congregation of 150 quintillion souls of my services over the past few days, I regret to inform you that you will have to find another mark to serve as your partner.

I will instead be assisting your competitor, Mrs Maryam Abacha, with her matters, as she has been far more communicative than you have been in your rather similar dealings with me.

I wish you much luck and a lengthy incarceration.

-Rabbi Dr Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman.

Either these clowns can't pay for another hour in the Internet cafe in South Africa to which I traced their pathetic scam, or they have gotten wise to the "419 baiter" tactics which I have used.

In any case, see everyone the week after Shavuos with more of the old style Creedmoor. I am taking a 10 day break and look forward to returning with the final reports from the Creedmoorer 5 Iyar conflagration, the trip to Iran, and the treatment which the Chassidim received for Schmoigerman Flu and Dutch Elm Disease.

All I can say for now is that 150 quintillion respirators were duly paid for by the Social Services Administration, and perhaps 10,000 actual respirators were indeed delivered to the Schmoigerman residence in Creedmoor for resale throughout the developing world, part by part.

See you soon...and to the grade D mugus* Arafat and Ahmed, may you indeed merit a lengthy incarceration and much hard labor.

*mugu is a mark or "freier" in 419 scammer lingo.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

No response from either Arafat or Ahmed


So far, there has been no response from either Arafat or her barrister, the most talented and ignoble Graham Ahmed.

If no such response is forthcoming within the next 8 hours, Schmoigerman will most ungracefully bow out of the deal....check back later tonight for the final chapter in the Schmoigerman-Arafat saga.........

Monday, May 25, 2009

Schmoigerman's Bank Warns Him!


Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 1:42 PM (4 minutes ago)



Dear Dr Ahmed:

I contacted my bank in Turkey to find out whether they can find the Red Security Company and I received the attached alarming letter in response. They have informed me that you are trying to ensnare me in the infamous 419 Advance Fee Scam!

Certainly this cannot be so! Certainly they are not mistaken, as I know that you are a completely spurious and decent businessman.

I have other bank accounts if need be but I really need to find that Red Security Company to be convinced that my bank is not correct.



Click here for the bank letter :). Needless to say, there is no Bank M. Gotkafa and Sons in Istanbul, no such street as Mathild Manukyan (the late queen of Istanbul's legal bordellos) Cadessi, even in Karakoy where her bordellos were located. Just in case you don't remember, Mehmet Ali Agca was the guy who shot Pope John Paul II :). And gey kock'n affn yam is not exactly the way even Agca would sign his name. The notary's name is also fabricated; it means procurer.

I will give this 24 hours to see if Ahmed responds. Regardless, my last letter to him will be where I reveal once and for all that I have been winding him up.

And then I will take a break from Creedmoor until after Shavuos so that I can get some work done!

Schmoigerman can't find the bank......

Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 11:38 AM (0 minutes ago)


I am in Dubai, and have found out that there is no "Red Security Company" whatsoever here. Perhaps you made an error; if so please clarify. I will also check again in the Puerile Defalcations Register, which is the overall register of firms having a presence in Dubai.

The end is near. Today I will put an end to this one once and for all - but I think the guy knows he has been had.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Schmoigerman asks Ahmed for his advice...regarding investment in another 419!!


Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 10:41 PM (0 minutes ago)


I have arrived safe and sound in Dubai and await more information from you.

I was just presented with the following investment opportunity:

Due to the World Economy Recession, Ford Motor Company, Inc undergo a statistic fall in Sales and result in a drastic financial crisis this last season.

The Government has given us the opportunity to bounce back on our feet, but unfortunately we have not achieved the fund necessary.

Therefore, we offer you the opportunity to purchase a very good Auto at 35% discount of the price. We decided to pull the sales of 1.000 cars from United Kingdom at a very low price for us to aquire the capital needed to bounce back in business and to use this medium to increase the scale of our valued customers.

The payment shall be made in installments through the bank at 1 month after signing the contract.

If you are interested in this offer please fill out the application form, A representative will contact you about this application within five business day.


Ford Motor Company

P.O. Box 6248

Dearborn, MI 48126

Do you think this would be a good way to invest Mrs Arafat's funds? I would very much like your exhumed opinion of this investment as I usually do not deal in any type of automobiles or any sort of physical goods unless duly purloined.

Looking forward to hearing from you im irtz'Allah ul-khinzeer ul-kabir.


Update: Schmoigerman is in Dubai


Schmoigerman arrived safe and sound in Dubai and is settled in his room at the Bourj ul-Harb hotel. He has already found out that there is no such thing as the Red Security Company and he will inform Graham Ahmed of his findings tomorrow afternoon.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

And Schmoigerman still is on the way to Dubai...


Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 11:28 PM (0 minutes ago)



I thought I made it clear I am not reachable on Saturdays until nightfall. In any case, who will meet me in Dubai, where, and when? I am off to the airport in 4 short hours because lines are long and I must know this.

If I have enough trust to book an immediate flight to Dubai then I think you should know that I am a trustworthy partner!

Please respond post haste!

(well at least the Saturdays part is true LOL!)

Ahmed catches on...


graham ahmed to me
show details 1:50 PM (9 hours ago)


Attention: Dovid,

How are you? I received your mail and I tried to call you on phone the phone number you give me dose not exciting so how can we do this transaction without trust I think we cannot do it with you because you are not a honest person.


Barrister Graham Ahmed.

Date: Fri, 22 May 2009 16:34:24 +0300
Subject: Confirm receipt of my travel plans for Dubai on Sunday!


Please confirm that someone will be there to meet me either at the airport or at my hotel as I will not be online again until a bit before my departure early Sunday morning and may not see any messages sent before I leave.

Thank you,


Friday, May 22, 2009

Schmoigerman accepts Ahmed's request to meet him in Dubai


I wait to hearing from you soonest, Inbox X
graham ahmed to me
show details 12:27 PM (12 minutes ago)



How are you? I have just received your mail with the agreement signed now I wish to let you know that I will forward all your information to the Security Company where the fund was deposited for the charge of the ownership of the to your Name as the new beneficiary of the fund.

Also wish to inform you that this fund is deposited in (UAE ) Dubai in RED SECURITY COMPANY, also I will like to inform you that your present is needed in Dubai to sign some necessary document s as the beneficiary of the fund.

The charge of the ownership certificate will be send to you as soon as it don, and mean why I will also like you to visit Dubai so that you will meeting the Security company manager, for security reasons.

Now I want to know when you will be able to visit Dubai in this regards,

I wait to hearing from you soonest,

Barrister Graham Ahmed,

emaining Anonymous to graham
show details 12:38 PM (2 minutes ago)



I am leaving for Dubai on Sunday as per the following itinerary: Who will be meeting me there? I will be staying at the Bourj el-Harb Hotel (the famous tower).

Depart / Arrive
Duration / Stops
Class / Aircraft
24 May 09
08:40 London Heathrow Airport (LHR) 6hr 50min
0 Stops First
Boeing 777-300
24 May 09
18:30 Dubai International Airport (DXB)
INBOUND Dubai, United Arab Emirates to London, United Kingdom
Depart / Arrive
Duration / Stops
Class / Aircraft
31 May 09
15:45 Dubai International Airport (DXB) 7hr 30min
0 Stops First
Boeing 777-300
31 May 09
20:15 London Heathrow Airport (LHR)
Passport information
Contact information
Date of birth
Mr. Dovid Schmoigerman Not Applicable 044 181 8675309
EUROPA770@GMAIL.COM Not Applicable
Payment and Delivery Information
Ticketing option Local Emirates office
Billing address NA
Payment NA
Credit card number NA
Expiry date NA
Terms and Conditions
Online Booking Terms & Conditions
Conditions of Carriage
Special Offers by Email

1) There is no Bourj al-Harb hotel in Dubai. That would be the Bourj al-Arab. Bourj al-Harb is a play on Dar ul-Harb, meaning all lands that are not under Islam.

2) That reservation is not paid and just to see whether Ahmed is looking I sent him the whole reservation.

If he goes for this, much fun will occur on Sunday night when his man looks for Schmoigerman....

Ahmed sends an agreement; Schmoigerman signs it and has it notarized...


Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 11:47 AM (6 minutes ago)



Thank you very much for the agreement which you so graciously and deceptively to me has sent. To be certain that it meets legal guidelines which are stricter due to my refugee status I had my signature notarized at the famed Stalls of Defecation in Hertforshire by the most noxious deceased notary, Dr George Habasch shlit"a. It is attached in its full and fictive glory.


Click here for the agreement in pdf format.

On Fri, May 22, 2009 at 10:44 AM, graham ahmed wrote:

Regarding to your mail I received, open the attachment sign the agreement and send it back to me, also I will like to let you know that, as soon as you sign the agreement and send it back to me, we can proceed.

YOU CAN CALL ME 0044-703 191 5963

Waiting to hear from you with the agreement.
Barrister Graham Ahmed

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Schmoigerman has rachmunes and sends his driver's licence...


Remaining Anonymous to graham
show details 5:37 PM (0 minutes ago)



I realize that the document which I had sent earlier is neither licit nor legible and may present your esteemed excellency with problems. Therefore, so as not to delay the most deceptive and defalcatorious transaction any further I attach my driver's licence.

I will confess to you that I am a very poor driver and have had my British licence revocated, thereby compelling me to obtain a licence in France, as I maintain a summer residence in Ste Phenix de Domestos which is 5 kms from the border between France and Montenegro. I do hope to invite you along with Mrs Suha Arafat and her daughter to spend a part of the summer with my wife Tzoah and I once this transaction is successfully and ludicrously completed.



Explanation of French:

1) There is no Republique de la France Libre (Republic of Free France).

2) The words below it mean "Permit to Drive on the Sidewalk". I'll have to confess that "permis a conduire" is a true error on my part; the correct translation of driver's licence is "permis de conduire". For that matter, it should be le trottoir; trottoir is masculine gender and not feminine. Oh, well.

3) Schmoigerman's eyes are yellow. He is also a very big guy at 191 cms (about 6 1/2 feet) tall and 149 kgs (328 pounds).

4) Schmoigerman wears glasses (lunettes); note picture of slender man without glasses; it is deceased Israeli singer Zohar Argov who hanged himself in jail and is therefore a Creedmoorer.

5) The date of birth (April 1, 1950) does not match that which Schmoigerman gave Dr Ahmed in his bank documents but Ahmed probably thinks that is the date of issue of the licence and there is nothing to indicate otherwise. Schmoigerman will explain that he miscalculated his civil birthday using the Zionist calendar as opposed to his Kedushas Klux Karta kalendar should the question arise.

6) Needless to say there is no border between France and Montenegro; Phenix is the brand of arak favored by French Jews and Domestos is a British household cleaner.

And needless to say, if this moron doesn't realize he has been had by now, he must have only one brain cell left.

If he responds again, Schmoigerman will ask to meet him in London or Paris............

Here is Schmoigerman's Passport....


I am of "Israeli" nationality; however due to my unrelenting opposition to the racist policies of that country I was stripped of my citizenship and due to fear of persecution I use the refugee document attached.

-Rabbi Schmoigerman


This one came from a faked Burkina Faso passport used for a 419 scheme in Japan. A little kindergarten level Photoshopping and adding a blacked out picture of the late Israeli singer Zohar Argov made it as authentic as the letter from Suha Arafat that got all of this started...

Is there any limit to their stupidity? Graham Ahmed requests Schmoigerman's details and he responds...


graham ahmed to me
show details 9:39 AM (1 hour ago)


Attention: Dr David Schmoigerman,

How are you and your family? open the attachment fill the Details bellow to enable us proceed to the bank for the transfer of the fund, in the agreement you will see your Parentage as a fund manager,


Barrister Graham Ahmed.



Attached please find the details you requested. I will forward a copy of my passport later in the evening.

Our Ref: AXT21/05/09


Here are the details we needed from you to enable us processes the change of ownership to your name as the beneficiary of the fund.

1) Your full name: Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman
2) Occupation: Rabbi and Incendiary Services Contractor
3) Address: Creedmoor House, Creedmoor, Queens, Hertfordshire (UK) KT1 FU2
4) Date of birth: June 30, 1950
5) Nationality: (this Schmoigerman omitted; he hasn't decided which documents to send and will decide this when he sends his document).
6) Your Telephone number: +44 01344 773 111
7) The bank name where the fund will be transfer into Bank Gotkafa, (Istanbul, Turkey)

8) Account holder's name: Congregation Sinas Chinam of Creedmoor
9) Account number 8675309666
10) Swift Code... OR Route Number.: SWIFT: GOTK AFA1
11) A copy of your international passport or driver lincence (will be sent under separate cover).

Finally, you are hereby to be informing that this Institution or Agency will not be hold responsible for any delay that will cost by you from the transfer of the fund. To your bank account in your country.

Kindly send me all the above-mentioned details to enable us commence the transfer of the money and also us processes the change of the ownership of the fund to your name as the beneficiary of the fund.

In the agreement you will see your pesentage as a fund manager.

Barrister. Graham Ahmed.

To save everyone a little time:

1) Gotkafa is a Turkish word meaning one whose anatomy is rather unusual in that his head and buttocks are melded into a single unit (or, in medical terminology, a yukel ver hot zayn tuches in kop). Needless to say there is no Bank Gotkafa in Turkey.

2) The phone number Schmoigerman sent to Ahmed is that of Broadmoor Psychiatric Hospital, a respite home for the criminally insane in England.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Mrs Arafat Responds: Schmoigerman Continues to Reply


suha arafat
date Wed, May 20, 2009 at 10:52 PM
subject Re: From Mrs Suha Arafat )Waiting for your urgent respond,You will also see my picture.
hide details 10:52 PM (0 minutes ago)



Dear Rabbanit Arafat, may you live long and prosper many layers below sea level (as is said in the dialect of Kurdish Yiddish that I speak):

1) I am a member of the recognized anti-Zionist clergy and therefore am tax exempt. As this is clearly a humanitarian transaction to aid the widow of a great and reprehensible depraved and subhumanitarian as was your great husband Yassir who is tiff, tiff in der erd (in a very warm and pleasant part of the highest reaches of the heaven called Sheol Tachtis), I can legally transact your illusory funds with no need whatsoever for payment of tax to any government entitiy.

2) I would highly suggest that you invest in US Government Section 8 Bonds, which are backed by subsidized housing and only appreciate in value as the demand for such housing keeps rising thanks to my instructions to my many followers to live only in such dwellings as are financed by the Section 8 program.

3) I can purchase a house for you and your daughter to settle anywhere in the EU due to my clergyman status, which was granted to our family by the fourth Duke of Earl and re-established by Dukem Nukem before the fall of the Romanov dynasty during the French revolution. Our name of Schmoigerman is an ancient one and comes from the Old Slavonic Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach, meaning the highest level of service to the Lord and the greatest opposition to the scourge of an honest day's work.

I look very forward to receiving a draft agreement from your attorney so that I may pass it on for perusal by several members of the feline species who live in my courtyard and are very well versed in legal matters.


Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman, Grand Rabbi of the Disjointed Communities of Creedmoor.
- Hide quoted text -

On Wed, May 20, 2009 at 8:21 PM, suha arafat wrote:

Hello My Dear Dr David Schmoigerman,

I thank you for your quick and kind respond Yes I am sure in your question, on assisting me toward the transaction of my fund to you in your country for safe keeping, However I have gone through your email over and over.

And the contents of your email are quite understood. My instinct tells me that you worth doing this transaction with me.

I assure you that we can do this transaction very successfully but you have to keep it very confidential for security reasons.

At the same time I already instruct my attorney to you first of all draft an agreement between both of us for the safe of my fund and he will direct you on the step of the transfer to avoid any mistake.

I will like to meet you face to face in your country after my fund get transfer to your personal or company Bank account in your country.

Please my dear, I only need you to assure me that you are not going to sit on top my fund when it get transfer to your Bank account.
Therefore, be kind to clarify the following for me:

1Can your account accommodate this fund in your local bank without government intervention or do you have an account outside your country where you may consider safe for this fund.

2. What is taxation in your country, as I desire a Low/free tax zone.

3. What other lucrative investments would you suggest us to invest the fund?

4. Can you be able to make residential documents and purchase a house for me and my only daughter to relocate and settle in your country?

Here is the contact details of my attorney to enable you contact him,feel free to contact him because i have paid him for his services,

Name: Dr. Graham Ahmed


Tel: +44-703 191 5963

Telefax+44703 18 5 5165

Waiting for your urgent respond,You will also see my picture.
Best Regards,
Hajia.Suha Arafat.

Schmoigerman Responds to Letter from Suha Arafat...



Dear Rabbanit Arafat:

 As a believing Jew, a true follower of the Kosher Sutra and one who engages in the issurei skila on a daily basis, I was always an admirer of your late husband. I am a member of the International Federation of the Kedushas Klux Karta, a truly Jewish and odious organization which was established to wipe out the Zionist entity in our time and to encourage dependence on entitlement programs and foreign aid.

 Therefore, I am at your effluent disposal to assist in any matters regarding your late husband arur veyemach shmo lanetzach la’ad (this is a phrase of utmost respect which we also use to describe the prophet Muhammad al-Khinzeer). Please contact me as soon as possible as I am anxious to assist you in recovering this honestly and deficiently obtained money as soon as possible. I am of course more than honest for if not I would not be a recipient of Section 8 cheques totaling over 10,000,00,00 dollars a month from the World Body of Housing Subsidy for the assistance of poor families in my community.


Rabbi Dr David Schmoigerman

Khal Adas Sinas Chinom

Sinas Chinom House

Creedmoor, Queens, Hertfordshire Q18 NV2


From: suha arafat [
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 12:25 PM
Subject: From Mrs. Suha Arafat of Palestinian Leader (STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL)


From Mrs. Suha Arafat

Private Email:


                                                                STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Intending partner,
This mail may not be surprising to you if you have been following current events in the I international media with reference to the Middle East
 and Palestine in particular, I am Mrs.SUHA ARAFAT the wife of YASSER ARAFAT, the Palestinian Leader who died recently in Paris.

 Since his death and even prior to the announcement, I have been thrown into a state of

antagonism, confusion, humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by the present leadership of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and the new Prime Minister.


 I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture. As a widow that is so
traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment.

You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account
and companies and the allegations of some huge sums of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refuses to disclose or give up to the corrupt Palestine Government.


In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars. And they are not relenting on their effort to make me poor for life.

As you know, hence my desire for a foreign assistance.

You can visit the broadcast below for better understanding of what I am talking about;

I have deposited the sum of 20 million dollars with a private security firm abroad whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity.

This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney. He might be dealing with you directly for security reasons as the case may be. In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, we will have to negotiate on your Percentage share of the $20,000,000 that will be kept in your position for a while and invested in your name for my

Please if you are honest, I am going to entrust more funds in your care as this is one of the legacy we keep for our children. In case you don't accept please do not let me out to the security and international media as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith. 

 Mrs. Suha Arafat

On be-half of my family.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Heeeee'z Back - Ahron Cohen, ShaDaR of the Creedmoorer, is in Teheran


Ahron Cohen, the Manchester Disunited shada"r (schmegegge, degenerate, rosho) of the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who is  known as the Szarkonosvary Rov, is back in Teheran. 

While his mentor and leader, the Creedmoorer, had to leave early for insurance purposes, the hollowed and desalted Szarkonosvary Rov is in Teheran calling for people to boycott products which are not "noki mechashash tumas haTzioinus". 

Cohen is also set to become Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's third wife, after his divorce from the now penitent M.A.F. which was indeed arranged by a beis din consisting of Cohen, the Creedmoorer and Ayatollah Khamenei, the Chief Rabbi of Shiite Islam whose smicha is as good as that of the other two.

For those who need some background:

We are compelled to present part three of the fascinating tale of how this great leader of the Creedmoor affiliated Ku Klutz Karta managed to lift himself from the isolation and dullness of his native Szarkonosvary, via Creedmoor and a similar institution of higher psychiatric treatment in the UK, to reach his present and inglorious depths. 

More coming this week...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Schmoigerman Flu infection leads to Dutch Elm Disease...


An E-mail from the CDC (Center for Defraudment Control a/k/a Center for Double Coupons) has arrived with the subject above. We are attempting to decipher the scientific jargon used therein and will report more as soon as possible. 

What we do understand is that Mohammed Werczberger was the focal point of both the Schmoigerman Flu AND Dutch Elm Disease epidemics and that he just might face destruction and reincarnation under another name as far as benefits are concerned. Alternately, he may be registered as permanently disabled by the onslaught of both diseases so as to maximize his earnings potential, Creedmoor style.

Apparently the connection has to do with a large life insurance policy on the Werczberger family which is insured as having 19 siblings, of whom Mohammed is the middle child and of whom 11 are disabled R"L L"A nisht emmes gezigt. 

It also has to do with an organism which traveled via a paper airplane on which both Mohammed Werczberger and the Admou"r were passengers and which infected all aboard ever since Werczberger flew on it from Lee Avenue to Division Street, where it was picked up and mailed to Creedmoor. There, the unsuspecting Admou"r flew it to Iran and the epidemic really began.

Please keep saying Satanic verses. 

Dutch Elm Disease Update


In a radical departure from the simple insurance fire and welfare scams that have been the hallmark of Creedmoor, the Admou'r's personal physician has informed us that he is acting as the agent for his esteemed patient in an attempt to obtain Federal funding for a medical research program that will devote billions of dollars to formulating a vaccine for Dutch Elm Disease in psychotic patients suffering from extreme kleptomania manifesting itself as feigned multiple personality disorder.

Thirty one trillion cases of Dutch Elm Disease have been reported among (phantom) members of the Creedmoorer kehilla and Dr Gimpel Arskowitz has already submitted samples of a new antifungal to the FDA. The Creedmoorer pharmaceutical breakthrough is a brackish, malodourous liquid which is derived from slivovitz, kiddush wine, and a common US household cleaner called "Top Job" and has been fast tracked for immediate FDA approval in order to contain the epidemic. 

And Rabbi Schmoigerman has already reported a serious fire in his "SchmoigerPharm" factory in Isla Marica, Puerto Rico, where equipment has been installed to manufacture this antibiotic, called Geneyvamycin, in sufficient quantities to treat quintillions of patients, all eligible for Medicaid and SSI during the lengthy rehabilitation necessary after infection with Dutch Elm Disease, Creedmoorer variant.

More coming later....

Admou"r Returns From Iran with Diagnosis of Dutch Elm Disease L"A R"L..


"We ask that people daven for the well being of our great and exalted Leader, the Menivel haDor beKol HaDoros, Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Roish veRishoin leKol Dovor shebeGezel veMirmo, Kvoid Kedeishas Addledeinu Moroneinu veRabideinu, who is suffering from a severe case of Dutch Elm Disease, contracted while in Iran. 

He is in critical condition in his private ward at Creedmoor and is being treated by several international specialists.

Please say prakim Pay and Tzaddik of the Koran 170 (Pay Tzaddik) times while standing on your head for the refuah sheleima of all the gufim and nefashois of Rabbeyne Doovid ben Cholerye..."

Dutch Elm Disease, the scourge of many a tree, has somehow infected the Admou"r meCreedmoor. A one of a kind medical occurence? A new strain of Dutch Elm Disease which is found in Iran and attacks people? Or the prelude to a colossal new medical scam?

More tomorrow...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Creedmoorer Leader Sets Exchange Rate for Food Stamp


A coalition of retailers which accept the US Food Stamp as legal tender for the purchase of items that are excluded from the Food Stamp program has asked a controversial Queens rabbi to set a unified food stamp exchange rate.

Gimpel Grosz, proprietor of "Eeew, It's Grosz" Hardware and Furnishings, who accepts food stamps for "alle zachen" at varying rates, and his cousin Shmilu Fekete, whose "Fekete Hymish Bakery" sells mostly prepared goods that are not covered by the program, approached the rabbi, David Schmoigerman, after an argument as to whether a food stamp is worth seventy-five cents or eighty cents.

Schmoigerman adjudicated the dispute by referring to his famed work of Jewish law "Sur MeYoisher" in which he had set the exchange rate of the food stamp to equal the price of three square inches of kokosh cake, a common food item that is not covered by the food stamp program.

Since the price for a three square inch piece of kokosh cake varies from 65 cents to $1.50, Rabbi Schmoigerman instead set an exchange rate of 85 cents to the food stamp with the stipulation that he receive 10 cents on each food stamp as a fee for deciding the case.

The feuding cousins agreed to this rate and accepted upon themselves the task of collecting the 10 cent commission from all participating merchants.

Said merchants will display a "Gezel Plimbe", a seal stating that they operate in flagrant violation of US government laws regarding the food stamp program. 

The "gezel plimbe" is meant to frighten inspectors into believing that any attempt at enforcing those laws will be met with a "Chaptzem! Shygetz Aross! Shecht'em in a brooche" response from all participating merchants once a signal is sent out that an inspector has entered a participatings store.

So far, 100 leading retailers in Williamsburgh, Boro Park, Monsey and Monroe have joined the program.  

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Schmoigerman Receives Insurance Payout After Nuclear Explosion!


Newsflash (IPRNA - Iranian Pistachio Republic News Agency)

It has been confirmed that the Iranian nuclear weapons program, now assisted by the building arm of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Baseless Hatred of Creedmoor, has inadvertently detonated a thirty four megaton nuclear device on the planet Jupiter.

Said explosion was carried out for insurance purposes, as the Creedmoorer Entity has produced title deeds to several abandoned warehouses located on Jupiter. All warehouses were heavily insured before the accident took place.

As insurance inspectors are not able to travel to nuclear irradiated sites on Jupiter, the payouts have been approved and payment has been made to the leader of the Creedmoorer Entity, Rabbi David Schmoigerman.

Rabbi Schmoigerman has guaranteed that our nuclear weapons can now be used to eradicate insured property throughout the realm of the Great Satan and the Zionist entity, and indeed throughout the solar system and all other galaxies. We salute the great and mighty deeds of our partner, who has made it possible for us to eradicate all enemies of Islam at a very great and mighty profit.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Admou"r meCreedmoor Permits Lag B'Oimer This Year Within His Halachic Guidelines


In a stunning reversal of his former position regarding Lag B'Oimer festivities in previous years, this year the Admou"r meCreedmoor is not only permitting, but also encouraging, his followers to take part in Lag B'Oimer festivities, on Tuesday along with all other communities.

Speaking from his padded hotel room in Teheran, where he remains in seclusion with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Admou"r stated:

"Yes it is true that Shimon bar Yochai was a tzioini who did not do the right thing and surrender to the Romans. However, it must be remembered that one of the essential parts of the tzioni celebration is a bonfire. And we know that the mitzvah of sryfis habayis, which of course also includes fire, as well as that exalted mitzvah known as sryfis hadegel, can be carried out at a bonfire according to the great practices which have been instituted as the very essence of Chassidus Creedmoor.

According to the Megale Arayois, the halachos of bonfires on Lag B'Oimer are as follows:

1) A Tzioini flag soaked with pure Iranian or Venezuelan crude oil must be used to start the fire.

2) The fire cannot under any circumstances be carried out in an open location, as this is the custom of the evil tzioinim who have uprooted all that is good and holy.

3) The fire must be carried out "leshem mitzvas sryfis hadegel vehabinyan" and NOT lekovod the memory of the Tzioini Shimon Bar Yochai who some erroneously call Rabbi which is a title that does not accrue to any Tzioini.

4) Therefore, an appraisal of the property, home, store, warehouse, factory or office building, in which the bonfire is to be carried out must be performed prior to Lag b'Oimer by a licenced fire insurance adjuster who is of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor.

5) And the figure of the appraisal as per traditional means of said appraisal must be multiplied by a power of 613 before it is submitted to the insurance companies on our Approved List for purchase of multiple policies.

6) In addition, an inventory of flammable valuables must be forged and added to the Appraisal so that the rewards of Sryfis HaBinyan will be properly multiplied yet again.

7) Under no condition is the Fire Department to be called unless it is a volunteer force made up solely of members of the Brotherhood of Creedmoor who can be guaranteed to issue a proper fire report. Only when all evidence of the hyliger mitzvoh of arson, which is far too holy to be witnesssed by a tzioini Fire Department, has been destroyed, may a fire department not affiliated with Creedmoor be called.

8) The bonfire will be considered finished, and the mitzvois of Sryfis haDegel and Sryfis haBinyan fulfilled according to halacha, only when a representative of the Arba Misois Byse Din of Creedmoor visits the place of conflagration and pronounces the words: "S'iz geven a gitte sryfe". This will take place only when a suitable amount of funds, equalling 130% of the insurance policies issued, is remitted to the Arba Misois Byse Din. 

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

"Meshune Toyre" - The Essential Creedmoorer Sefer


Finally. The halachic piskei din of the Admou"r meCreedmoor in three soft rolls of 1000 sheets each. Based on sources such as the Avnei Skila, Shygetz Aross Rabba, and the Sreyfas HaBayis, the new set of sforim contains a full set of:

1) Halachos of Arson

2) Halachos of Welfare Fraud

3) Halachos of Counterfeiting

4) Halachos of Feign

"Creedmoor Va'ad Sryfis haBinyan" to help construct Iranian nuclear reactor



The Admou"r's visit to Iran has resulted in a lucrative oil for arson deal in which the famous construction arm of the Creedmoorer community "Va'ad Sryfis haBinyan" will participate in the building of the nuclear reactor in Iran.

According to a press release from FARCE Islamic News Service of Iran:

"The Islamic 'A Pistachio Is Nowhere As Big As A Banana' Republic of Iran welcomes the participation of the official national building company of our fellow Anti-Zionist entity, the Independent Republic of Baseless Hatred of the Chassidim of Creedmoor, in our destructive nuclear energy program. We welcome the exalted Admou"r, the ruler of this great and esteemed entity, to Iran and are pleased to enter into an agreement with him and his national construction firm.

As the Admou"r is a world renowned expert in profitable destruction, who indeed shares the anti-Zionist and antihumanitarian aims of the Islamic regime in Iran, his construction firm is the ideal partner to help us achieve our aim of destroying the Zionist entity once and for all."

Apparently the Admou"r has taken out insurance policies on the entire country of Iran, the entire region, and all inhabitants thereof including 10000 phantom dependents for each family and single woman. As often occurs lately in these times of world crisis, the offices of international insurance firms are swamped by an overload of applications for life, property, fire and nuclear damage insurance, all originating from a single server in Iran.

Our board of Creedmoor analysts predicts an earth shattering phantom nuclear explosion, caused by acts of sabotage at the Iranian nuclear facility, and blamed on "the worldwide Zionist conspiracy". 
More to come regarding this colossal development scam later this week.

The Admou"r Has Returned to Iran


The Admou"r meCreedmoor is now in Teheran, Iran, where he is meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Apparently, Ahmadinejad (known as Baba Mahmoud to Creedmoorer Chassidim who flock to Teheran for his brochos and eitzos) wishes to dissolve his marriage to perennial freakjob Moshe Aryeh Friedman after the latter recanted his extreme views on radio.

Needless to say, the marriage was not valid according to any halachic opinion except for that of the Admou"r meCreedmoor. Rumors that a Conservative imam had performed the marriage were inaccurate, as even the Conservative branch of Shiite Islam does not marry an already married man to another man, sheep, or sow. 

Instead, it transpired that the imam who married the couple was none other than Imam Hahham BaLaylot Manouchehr Kamtzanzadeh, the Creedmoorer shaliach to the Machane Yehuda market in Yerushalayim. Kamtzanzadeh, who sells laundry powder disguised as cocaine or heroin to desperate addicts, as well as illegally imported dates and pistachios from Iran with the famous Creedmoor "naki mekol chashas tumas haTzioinus" hechsher, is known as "Mr 650 Gram" because he has been arrested and fined 100 times for setting his scales to register 650 grams as a full kilogram. (His customers, mainly Ku Klux Karta extremists from Meah Shearim, accept this as they are told that a 1000 gram kilo is a Zionist kilogram and is therefore ossur lemehadrin).

However, that stall is but a cover for Kamtzanzadeh's activities as a liaison between Bituah Leumi and the Admou'r meCreedmoor's 300 million phantom personalities in the Zionist entity. He is also said to be the Ambassador of the Independent Anti-Zionist Republic of Creedmoor to Iran. 

Owing to his Iranian origins and fluency in Farsi, he was asked to officiate at the wedding between Ahmadinejad and Friedman, for which he was compensated with 10 tons of rancid pistachios. Kamtzanzadeh, a true Creedmoorer, is said to be selling these inedible nuts to Betar Yerushalayim fans who in turn use them for various nefarious purposes during football (soccer) matches. Rumors also have it that he is working with the Chief Baryoin of the United Mishmeres HaTznius/Va'ad haShababnikim d'Yerushalayim to convert the pistachios into a hard, flammable napalm like substance which will make it easier for self appointed haredim to burn down garbage cans and set cars alight during demonstrations.

However, Kamtzanzadeh, being a mere Hahham BaLaylot, is not qualified to sit on a Beis Din which issues a get mishkava d'zachra. This can only be done by the Admou"r himself and he is indeed doing just that. Payment is said to include 100,000 barrels of Iranian crude, packaged in convenient gallon containers with wicks inserted so as to make it easier for untrained personnel to successfully commit arson with no need for extensive lessons or fire safety training.

The Admou"r is expected to return later this week, and we will finally be able to interview him regarding the goings on at his Yom HaAtzamois festivities upon said return.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

New Creedmoor Coming Later This Week


I am still awaiting some details from the Admou"r regarding his Yoim Ha'Atzamois burn-up and hope to post more about it tomorrow or Tuesday.

In the meantime I have been busy with my very non Creedmoor site ABillionShouts! Check it out and Shout it Out!