Thursday, August 16, 2007

"A Shabbos in Creedmoor" - song parody

Music: A Shabbos in Mezhbizh

The Indian psychiatrists don't know from a thing
Why are there a trillion patients listed in their wing
An abandoned hulk of a padded old ward
Where usually they sit around tired and bored
In Creedmoor

Somehow only one real patient is ever seen
And he is not really greeting the Sabbath Queen
In his ratty old plastic robe and tin foil hat
Four hundred and fifty pounds of rippling fat
In Creedmoor

A Shabbos in Creedmoor
Mit der Admou"r alyne
.......more coming IYH by Sunday

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The rest fin der (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Kvestiyonaire

4) From velcher yeshivos or seminaries heve you lernt or expelled geven?

a) I lernt in Toyre VeYiro (US)/Byse Ruchel

b) Fin UTJ oder Byse Ruchel ich bin expelled geven

c) Fin Toire VeSkilo (Moishe Hirsch)/Byse Yachne I lernt until Hirsch mir oisgevarft far'n not sharing mit em der proceeds fin myne brillyanten-schmugglink. (Alternate: In Otisville lern ich).

5) From who is your father havink smicha?

a) Satmar

b) Dushinsky or Toildois Aharoin

c) Reb Sholam Weiss

6) From what is your opinion on der Tzioinim Independence Day

a) Not worth from thinking about

b) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar

c) Ich bren der fleg yenner 5 Iyar in myne tatte's a warehouse mit der gas offent.

7) To what music you are listenink?

a) MBD, Shwekey, Fried, Lipa

b) Schnitzler, Schmeltzer, Schvartz, eppes Reb Yontel Ehrlich

c) Der Netury Karta choir zingt Hashym Hee Malkynee in dos is alle!

8) Hob dir Internet in shtib?

a) Nyne

b) Tatty hot Internet in der office in ich surf a bissele

c) Nor far "NKORG.usa" in ""

Now, look please to see what is you hevink. Far every A 1 point, far yedder B 5 points, far yedder C 10 punkt.

You are hevink 1 - 10 punkt total: You are a git bucher oider mydel fin Willy oder Monroe. Gye avek fin dis site.

You are heving 10 - 50 punkt total: Far dir is eppes a shiddich in Eretz Yisroel, mitten Toldos Aharoin oder Dushinsky.

You are hevink 50 - 80 punkt total: You are eppes already married to one of the fake Creedmoorer personelities far'n purposes of collecting a bissel welfare

You are heving mehr fin 80 punkt total: Di bist an emmesidger Creedmoorer. You are havink more points than is possible far dis questionnaire. Nisht schlecht.

Urgent Request!

Rachmones cases bnei rachmones cases:

We are very sad to announce that over 19,000,000 of the Admour's multiple personalities are about to be stricken from the welfare rolls of the state of Alaska. Apparently, the Alaskan authorities are suspicious of the fact that they have more welfare recipients than the entire known population of the state, including salmon, grizzly bears and the occasional polar bear. In addition, "Blimi Werczberger-Schmoigerman" and "Joel Feketeszar", to name just two examples, do not seem to be authentic Alaskan names. All protests that these are ancestral Inuit names spelled in Mandarin fashion are falling on deaf ears, and the authorities are about to persecute the perpetrator of these supposedly unauthentic welfare registrations.

So, we are asking all supporters, moral, athletic, and otherwise, of the Creedmoorer chassidus, to please recite 80 names from page 90 of your local phone book, followed by 90 names from page 80 of said book, 170 times while standing on your heads. The heiligkeit of the gematria pay tzaddik is very well known, and in the zechis of this hyliger gematriya, we know that all of these names will remain on the welfare rolls at least until the Admou"r manages to figure out that Inuit and Ingarish are two different languages.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The All New (Be)Hymishe Shidduch Questionnaire

Dis kvestiyenayre iz multiple choice. Now, I know dat by unz, multiple means meny, like, you know, multiple velfare eplikayshenz, but dis time it means you are to make ONE choice from der list far each question:

1) From what color is your tablecloth?

a) Ve iz uzink only der lace tablecloth from Babbe in Budapesht.

b) Vyse, like Sholam Vyce.

c) Ourz is alveyz written on, because Tatte uses it to make kelkulations far his phoney 39 protzent interest gemach that he usez to launder de kesh from all his gescheft'n. Mame says she'll only let de shiksa vasch the tichdekel when Tatty is finished vaschink der gelt, and dat's not gonna heppen!

2) What is doing dyne tatte?

a) Er iz a roov in a shil.

b) Er iz a meshilich

c) Er iz doink time in Otisville and maching many gescheft'n to keep us livink vell.

3) Who are by you the greatest rabbonim from dis lest generation?

a) Reb Yoilish, Reb Yoinason Steiff, Reb Moishe Feinstein

b) Reb Amram Bloy, Reb Yoilish, Rav Schach

c) Far what you talking from de lest generation? In dis generation we heve drei Moishe Rabbynee's - Moishe Hirsch, Moishe Ber Beck end Moishe Aryeye Friedman. (NB: Some say that this list includes only 2 1/2 people, but Friedman ain't DAT short!)

(more to come tomorrow)

Thursday, August 02, 2007

The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form!

Yes, here it is. The form that everyone from Williamsburgh to Monsey to New Joel to Square Circle has been waiting for. The All New Hymishe Benefits Application Form! Velfare, Sectzhen Acht, Medikaid, Disability, SSI, HEAP, all in one easy to chap form, written af Hymish of course:

1) Vus iz your name? Your real name, end also what they kall to you in shil. (Exemple: Joel Werczberger; Yoily der Shtarker).

2) Vere you live? (Your real eddress det you get dere your stock dividend checks).

3) How many human hair shytels is wantink to buy your vaybel? Vat kind? Or is besser a dozen zydene tichlach fin Prada?

4) How many children iz you heving and how many times iz de mydlach needink dresses to go to chassines?

5) How meny you are supportink in koilel? (NOT Federal Koilel!)

6) What is you doink for a livink like it say on your tex forms? (Choose please one):

____Koilel Yingerman _____Meshilich ______Gornisht(Unemployed) _____Retired
____In Prizen ____Lydigyer

7) What you iz really doink far parnoose?
___Smuggler from brilyanten __Slumlendlord ___Laundromet Owner (money launderer) ___Food Shtemps Casher (Grocer) ___Tzedoke skemmer ____IRS Skemmer ___Kredit Kard oder Benk Skemmer ___Andere Skemmer

8) What koler iz your Lexus?___________

9) From what koler iz your Infinity?_________

10) From which Swiss kompany iz your vybel's a watch?

11) How meny kristel shendeliers iz you hevink in your hyme? What about in dyne bungalow in der mountenz?

12) What size diamanten iz wearink your vybel? Your merried tochter? Your daughter in breaking der law?

13) Please to list all property you are ownink and all housink department violations on each eddress (please to use as many sheets of papier, asher yotzor or otherwize, dat you are needink to list dis but no need please to give every ret or mouse in each floor of every bildink a name unless you are wantink to apply for benefits for them too under der nyer Hymishe Rodent Assistence Programm).