Monday, October 31, 2005

Letter in Support of the Admou"r's Release

Conference of Foreign Ministers of the Axis of Evil and Not Quite As Evil
256 al-Jahinnum al-Qabir
Damascus (Al-Sham), Syria 11-001

To: The Satan of All Satans, Mr George the Slowly Wilting Bush, may you continue to wilt away:

We hereby demand the release of the great fighter against the evil of the Zionist Empire and the Zionist Controlled Government of the Greatest of Great Satans, the United States of Amerikkka. The great man to whom we refer, Rabbi Dr Imam David Schmoigerman of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, has been instrumental in using the funds generated by the evil people who pay taxes to the Greatest of Great Satans in his struggle against the Zionist Empire and its truly evil allies.

Therefore we give notice that if Rabbi Schmoigerman is not released in 48 hours, we, too, will follow in the ways of Mr Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, may the dung of ten thousand camels infest his four wives, and we, too, will demand aid while we pretend to make peace with the Zionist Entity.

On behalf of the Council of Foreign Ministers:

Kharkosdeh Saagzadeh
Minister of Evil and Deceit of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Mansour Zbaly ul-Kalb
Secretary of the Arab League of Murder and Mayhem

Slim Kim No Dong
Minister of Destructive Tendencies of Some of the People's Republic of North Korea

Moshe Hirsch
Minister of Jewish Affairs of the Palestinian Disarray and Shamash of the Late Yasser Arafat.

Please recite Perek Pay....

The situation has become quite dire as the hyliger Admou"r has now been in detention in Kennedy Airport for a mere five days. In the meantime, the dispute between the Mit a Brooche and Un a Brooche factions rages on!

The Va'ad Hanarronim and the Moetzes Haganovim of the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor ask that all who wish to see the release of our hyliger Rebbe sheyirfash so that he can continue to lead klal Yishmoel into sheol tachtis kindly recite perek Pay (80) followed by perek Tzaddik (90) of the Koran after each time Asher Yotzar is recited.

A public recital of these two prokim will take place tonight at 11.30 pm in Federal and State koilelim, mosques, and other mekoimois kedeishois throughout the US, Canada and Afghanistan. For more information, please call 1-888-TSU-DRAYT.

In the merit of our recital of these hyliger satanic Verses, may the Admou"r continue to reach new depths of depravity in his service of the Sitra Achra.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Creedmoor Looks to UN for Help in Calming a Dispute


During the last days of Ramadan, when the hyliger Admou"r was in Iran and subsequently detained in Kennedy Airport, a violent conflict broke out between supporters of the "Mit A Brooche" and "Un A Brooche" factions of Creedmoorer Chassidim.

As Creedmoor is now an independent republic, contact has been made with the UN, which is debating whether to send blue helmets into Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, as well as determining the amount of subhumanitarian aid to allot to each side in the conflict.

More coming as the situation develops! Keep checking here for up to date information!

The Admou"r Has Returned from Iran!

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has indeed returned from Iran, where he was a keynote speaker at the "Wiping Out Israel Using Common Household Chemicals and Blunt Soup Spoons" conference. However, we understand that he has been detained for over three days in Kennedy Airport, due to the fact that he entered the US on his Independent Republic of Creedmoor VIP passport. Since the US does not recognize the independence of Creedmoor, the Admou"r was detained and is now the subject of intense negotiations between the US Immigration and Naturalization Service and the Foreign Minister of Creedmoor, Rabbi Mendel Klynesmuk.

As Rabbi Klynesmuk has a number of arrest warrants for participation in Creedmoorer "mivtzoim" such as arson, welfare fraud, grand theft and insurance fraud, there is a chance that the rov and his gabbai may be united in an institute of higher tshuva such as Leavenworth.

There is an even greater possibility that rather than recognizing the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, the US will recognize the fact that Rabbi Shmoigerman is clinically insane, allowing him to return to Creedmoor in peace. As of now, Cuba has offered both rabbonim political asylum - in a cell that is even more heavily padded than the Creedmoorer shtibl!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

A very special wine...

Our dear supporter, Reb Sholam Weiss, has asked me to post the following information:

As I now have access to sufficient rotten fruit, sugar and yeast to make the rare and highly respected homemade bootleg wine known in our koilel community as "pruno," I am pleased to be able to take orders for this finest of beverages, which is of course under the strict supervision of the Va'ad Hakashrus of the Arba Misos Beis Din d'Creedmoor ve'Shaar Marin Bishin:

Sholam Weiss 842 Year Old Federal Reserve
Since I have BH completed the first three years of my intensive tshuva program here in Federal Koilel, I am pleased to announce that I have a mere 842 years left before I can return to the world at large. Upon said return, I will distribute bottles of the wine which I am now making and for which I am now taking orders via my trusted Rov, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, which in turn are passed on to the guards and administrators here at the Federal Kollel for Long Term Intensive Tshuva, who then pass them on to me during our shiurim and chavrusa study in the heiliger shower stalls of this great institution of true higher tshuva.
Each plastic shampoo bottle filled with a pint (10 fluid ounces al pi masores Federal Koilel) of Sholam Weiss 842 Year Old Federal Reserve Fruit Cocktail Wine is priced at a mere 100 dollars or 120 food stamps per bottle.
Please send orders (from Burkina Faso, Andorra, France and Iran) to:
Cherem Wines and Spirits
PO Box 2342
Kiryas Naye Creedmoor
Independent Republic of Creedmoor 00001
Those using the Zionist postal service of America, which does not recognize our heiliger Republic, may address their letters as follows:
The Grand Admou"r, Ben Yochid d'Sitra Achra, Dovid Schmoigerman Samach Mem
Creedmoor Psychiatric Center
80-45 Winchester Boulevard
Queens Village, NY 11427
Tumadige Territory of America

Monday, October 17, 2005

An Urgent Appeal from the Admou"r meCreedmoor

While we do not endorse the heretical beliefs of the Zionist sects of Williamsburgh, Monroe, Monsey, Stamford Hill, Boro Park and Yerushalayim the desecrated city of Zionism, we do support the holy efforts of the United Council of Tznius Patrols of the Various and Sundry Communities of Kanoim throughout the world.

The Tznius Patrol - Mishmeres Hatznius - is a truly holy and pure organization which prevents heartrending family tragedies. For instance, our heiliger Patrols stop wayward family members from causing the inability of siblings to find a proper shidduch whose family engages in the requisite holy pursuits such as gross insurance fraud, tax evasion, credit card fraud, and obtaining of welfare and food stamps under false pretenses so as to be able to support the new family for long periods of study in (private, State or Federal) koillel.

In addition, the Tznius Patrol allows idle young men to find an outlet for their talents by undertaking such holy tasks as inflicting physical damage upon young men who dare to desecrate the innocent youth of our communities by doing that which only our own boys have the right to do with our own heilige and eidel girls who are often found hanging out in pizza parlors and pool halls at night instead of sticking to more appropriate venues such as basements of simcha halls and the holiest of holy places, men's mikvaos.

So, when you receive a phone call from the "United Tznius Appeal," please respond generously - or it may be YOUR daughter who ends up with her name inscribed on every wall of every men's mikve in your community!

Special Instructions for the Zionist Holiday of Sukkos

While we who follow in the ever dimming and ever more minuscule light of Chassidus Creedmoor condemn and decry the wicked acts of our wayward brethren who celebrate the Zionist holiday of Sukkos and in so doing neglect the great Ramadan, the holiest of holy days of Acheinu B'nei Yishmoel who stand at the forefront of eradicating the tumoh of Zionism from the face of the world, we still do permit the construction of the booths of tumoh and znus known as sukkos BUT ONLY according to Creedmoorer minhag as handed down by our Naronnim and Moronim throughout the ages, and this is so as to elevate the Sukkoh from a dovor le'tumos hatzioinis to the highest level of Kedushoh - that of a cheftza d'gazla ve'mirmo!

We call upon our Chassidim who live in the United States, United Kingdom and Zionist Entity to build these booths out of wooden, or cardboard panels which are then to be sprayed with kerosene that is noki mekol chashash tumos hatzioinus - namely that which is imported from Saudi Arabia and certified as such by the Creedmoor Rabbinical Council. Once the booth is constructed, at least one insurance policy should be placed on same, and said insurance should be obtained for a period of ten days.

At the conclusion of the Zionist festival, a "Simchos Beis Hasreyfo," a re-enactment of the celebration which was held when a miscreant was sentenced to the method of capital punishment known as sreyfo, should be held. This is conducted by setting the booth alight. Once this is done, the insurance company should be contacted via our community insurance liaison, Chayim the Hymishe Fire Adjuster. Proceeds of the policy will then be shared 10 - 90, with the Creedmoorer moisdois receving the larger share (after the 125% commission paid to Chayim the Hymishe Fire Adjuster).

It should be noted that this minhag applies ONLY to Chassidim residing outside the Independent Republic of Creedmoor ve'Sha'ar Marin Bishin, as no insurer has elected to provide coverage within the confines of our heiliger medina.

And here is a little song regarding inzerer hyliger minhag:

A sukkele a groyse
Filt mit "Shygetz Aroys"'ers
Hob ich mit chandeliers gemacht
Bedekt dem dach
Mit a flammable schach
Ich hob gebrent mayn sukkele bai nacht.....

May those who participate in this hyliger minhag also have the zchis to learn many years in a very secure Federal Koilel!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Zehr an Important Announcement from the Va'ad of Creedmoor Chassidus

We are pleased to announce that links to Creedmoor updates will now be appearing on Look out soon for very special news from the Disjointed Jewish Communities of Creedmoor as the Creedmoorer Ramadan celebrations go into full swing!

No further links to Creedmoor will appear on "" - check the "Kiryas Creedmoor" section of (or check to find out the latest news from the armpit of the bitul Torah velt, Creedmoor (that is, the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, now under the mehadrin hashgocho of the EU).

EU Approves 200 million EURO Aid Request!

Brussels (BSP): Exclusive to the Vochedige Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke:

The European Parliament has approved a request by Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, Admou"r for Life of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor, for 200 million EUROS earmarked for the construction of kerosene refineries, bleach factories and tinfoil plants on the territory of the Republic.

Never mind that the entire territory of the Independent Republic of Creedmoor is less than 500 meters, and that the EU has yet to recognize the fledgling kapporo that got away. Rabbi Schmoigerman has succeeded in obtaining aid to build plants that would occupy space about three times greater than the entire area of his fiefdom - and the aid was given regardless of the fact that Creedmoor has no body of water which would be necessary for the proper operation of these enterprises.

When asked for the reasoning behind their unusual approval of this request, an EU spokesman replied: "The Independent Republic of Creedmoor meets all requirements for European Union financial aid as per our preceding experience in reference to providing aid to the Palestinian Authority - namely, Creedmoor is a fully and completely corrupt organization with no purpose other than the eradication of Israel."

Rabbi Schmoigerman has called for a special feast on Yom Kippur (7th day of Ramadan d'Creedmoor) to celebrate the receipt of this aid. A report regarding this will be posted after the conclusion of the celebrations.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


In a shocking announcement before the Krias Shygetz Aroys this past Shabbos (the first Shabbos of Ramadan), the Admou"r meCreedmoor declared that from now on, his communities, D-ward and Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, are to be considered a sovereign, independent Jewish state!

"You know, for tvelf yohr now, we have been draying our kop to get a shtickl welfare and some insurance from the government and the insurance companies. But look at the Zionist entity! Every yohr they schnorr billyens, billyens, fin der memsholoh. Now, we say we also iz geven an independent Jewish state and we can oichet get billions! Both parties, they need the Jewish vote - and since we have so many multiple neshomos here, burich Allah, we can deliver so many votes - so what if we are independent, we just register say a million or so neshomelach on the voter rolls, and the other zibn million or so we register as citizens from our new nisht-Tziyoini Jewish state! Now, see what we get? A million sets fin food stamps and velfare checken, and a few billyen in financial aid and defense aid? Yo, defense aid - mir darf machen a defence against the real mishiggoners over in A-ward and B-ward and the tzudrayt outpatients who sleep over in C-ward from time to time. So, from now on, mir zenen "Der Independent Republic fin Creedmoor in Shaar Marin Bishin" and I am now to be called "Admou"r-for-Life" - but we'll mach azoy vi in Mitzroyim and do an election every four years so I ken get 99 protzent fin der vote. Mitzroyim oichet get billyens fin Fetter Shmeel - and det's not even a democressy!"

It was then announced that "Printabuck" - Hakolbishvili and Sons of Rego Park - would serve as the Royal Mint of Creedmoor, and that Creedmoor would begin issuing its own currency, to be called the "shtickel gelt," in denominations of three, seven and nine geltlach as well as in larger bills of sixty-nine and ninety-three geltlach. As of now, MehaDreck Mart grocery and "Yecharyv Byscho" hardware, as well as Hymie's Hymish Talking Fish Store, all of Kiryas Naye Creedmoor, have begun to accept the new currency. The Admou"r has notified exchange booths in Chinatown, Brighton Beach, Vilyemsberg, Schnorro Park, and Rego Park that only dollars obtained through insurance fraud are holy enough to exchange for "shtiklach gelt," and that any money on which taxes were paid to the US or Zionist governments can only be exchanged at a rate of 300 dollars or 200,000 shekels to three shtiklach gelt.

As of now, Burkina Fasso and France have recognized the new Independent Republic; Andorra and Iran are expected to follow suit.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Record Prices for Yom Kippur Seats at Federal Kollel d'Creedmoor

Rabbi Yaakov Koppel Ferdganver, who will be directing the Federal Kollel d'Creedmoor, Leavenworth branch, for the next 967 years, recently sold the 9 available seats in his Yom Kippur minyan for a record 500,000 food stamps per seat!

Rabbi Ferdganver's appeal was simple: On Yom Kippur, we begin by asking permission "lehispallel im ha'avaryonim" - to pray with the violators! Now, where can one find real avaryonim if not Leavenworth? So, the rabbi was able to sell these seats to a consortium of investors led by one Jack Abramoff, who just may end up in kollel himself soon....