Monday, December 28, 2009

Newsflash: Schmoigerman Space Shuttle Detained at Jupiter Spaceport


Newsflash: The Schmoigerman Space Shuttle, the convoluted contraption which the Admou'r meCreedmoor uses to travel from Creedmoor to Pluto and back, has been detained at the Bobby Fischer Memorial Spaceport on Jupiter.

We are unaware as to whether this is a positive or negative development. We have reason to believe that aliens on Jupiter have asked Rabbi Schmoigerman to establish a Beis Chaval on Jupiter so that they, too, can obtain welfare, section 8, disability and UN refugee aid. Alternately, it is possible that the Schmoigerman spaceship is staging a crash on Jupiter for insurance purposes.

However, an interesting development has taken place in that long time Schmoigerman psychiatrist Dr Nanebakri Ramabudhu Patel claims that neither Rabbi Dovid nor Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman has left Creedmoor within the past month and that there was in fact a menorah lighting ceremony inside a former administration building with a leaky gas tap and defective electrical wiring.

Attempts to contact Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster are proving futile, and we do not dare contact Axa, Aviva, Allstate, AIG, Allianz, Fireman's Fund, Generali, USAA or any similar Zionist organization as we do not want to jeopardize the Admour's avoida kedeisha and source of honest parnosso.

What is the real story? Enquiring multiple personalities want to know...stay tuned!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

It is Official - Schmoigerman Refugee Resettlement Plan Approved!


Breaking noise:

The United Nations Special Committee for the Condemnation and Hopeful Obliteration of the Zionist Entity, led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and His Utmost Insanity Muammar el-Qadhafy have met in a special session to approve the "Schmoigerman Plan for the Creation and Support of Perpetual Microscopic Refugees from Zionism on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

Details coming tomorrow. All that is known at present is that this project represents the largest fraud committed to date by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and involves a budget of eleven trillion dollars for the resettlement of all microorganisms affected by the Chanike flammen on Pluto.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Schmoigerman: Our EJF is Eternal Justification of Fraud and has no connection with Monsey


"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.

In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.

As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.

The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.

However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."

Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Usher Berkowitz Message is a Hoax...


..and whoever started it, basically by just adding a Yiddishe yingel's name to an existing hoax, belongs in the real Creedmoor. There are far more interesting and creative things to do on a cold winter day than playing pranks at the expense of people's feelings.

As for our beloved D-ward, Alcatraz and Pluto Creedmoor, tomorrow is the 25th which means that on Sunday we will have the final roundup of the Creedmoor 12 days of Chanike.

We are aware at this time that the UNHCR has indeed agreed in principle to add the refugees created by the recent Creedmoorian invasion of Pluto to its purview. We are also aware that none other than the party responsible for said invasion, namely Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, has been appointed the director of the Pluto bureau of the UNHCR.

The principle behind this appointment is of course the same UN high moral principle that allows the Arabs to administer the Balestinian UNHCR and for Hamas and Fatah alike to run terror and theft rings through its camps.

But even Suha Arafat's Parisian accounts will be nothing if indeed the Admou"r is to receive funds for the resettlement of infinite numbers of microscopic organisms....

We also hope to have a comment from the Admou"r regarding his plans to scale up his healthcare fraud initiatives now that the Obamacare Lite health care bill has been passed...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!


We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.

However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.

On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.

So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Preview: The Founding of the UN HIgh Commission for Microorganic Refugees on Former Planet Pluto....


Madarbakri Tuntawallukut could not believe what he was reading. A real live report about microorganisms forced to flee Pluto, which itself had been diminished from planet status by a Zionist invasion.

All he had to do was react and he would be the next High Commissioner of Refugees, rather than a mindless bureaucrat wasting his days in UN headquarters, far from his native village of Tattiguptakar, Sri Wanka, which itself is a very small island off the coast of Malaysia and has nothing to do with Sri Lanka.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Important New Cherem from der Admou"r


In a rare moment of lucidity, the Admou"r has realized that cherem is oisios and therefore gematriah ramach, or 248, which is the number of positive mitzvois (mitzvois aseh) in the tzioinish Torah.

Therefore, the Admou"r has proclaimed a stringent and binding cherem upon anyone who performs any single one of the 248 mitzvois aseh in the tzioinish Torah.

He will soon be issuing his very own "Alternative Torah," which he will reveal to whoever has the zechus to be with him where he reveals himself every morning, namely the Grand Mikveh of Pluto.

We will also soon be issuing more of the ongoing story of the Chanike sryfois on Pluto and the ongoing efforts of the Admou'r to obtain UN funding to resettle all the microorganisms of Pluto which have now become refugees due to the severe fires and resulting adverse weather conditions on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

Monday, December 14, 2009

"Pluto is Burning" - Part 2 of the Festival of Insurance Flammen Series


"Arson committed against property of insured by individual deemed insane and intoxicated due to inhalation of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide poisoned atmosphere caused by improper ignition of religious lights in non-conducive atmosphere..."

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft, known as Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster, could not believe his eyes. Even in Creedmoor terms, this was a clear confession of arson by the Admou"r himself.

"You are meanink you are wantink to tell all fin der insurance companies det first of all you are der owner fin Pluto, end det also you burned it end vent crazy fin der sryfe so you burnt it?"

"Hymie, di schvantz, di idiot! You want your tzvantzig protzent oder nisht? You are not gettink mine drift? I am nisht der owner fin Pluto! It iz owned by "Khal Sinos Chinom d' Pluto Vus Iz Geven A Mol A Planet!" The chief offitzer fin die kompanye iz my Rebbetzin of East Coast Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and you iz der treasurer! So, if you are adjustink det it iz conspiresy end unlezss you iz also wantink to live in Creedmoor end pretend your tzi dryt di ken zitzen in Federal Koilel far'n der gantze leben!

I am wantink you should bring dis to the UN and dat dey should issue to me gelt to clean up der envirenment fin Pluto! Der insurance den iz also covered by the UN. You know, like all der Pelestinian refugees vuz is gettink money fin der UN to blow up tzioinim? So we iz now ochet refugeez end we iz gettink gelt to burn der plenet end den clean it up, like der Araber mach der refugeez problem end dey iz gettink more money to make more refugees! End since der arson iz geven a religious lightink, it iz multiculturalizm end perfectly fine with der UN, you know like when some yikel in Sudan gives his tochter a bris!"

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft managed to call the Deputy to the Deputy Secretary of the Banned Ki Moon himself...(more coming tomorrow)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Admou"r Needs Your Help - Man of the Non-Zionist Year 2009


The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:

1) Chilul Hashem berabim

2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law

3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel

4) A willingness to do anything for money.

5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock

6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot

The choices are between:

1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek

Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!

Thank you,

The Vaad haMesader

Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto Last Night..The Former Planet Is In Flames!


The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.

Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"

Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."

Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.

As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!

That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!


The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!

Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne

A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.

Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....