Monday, March 19, 2007

Creedmoorer Matzo Prices for 2007

Creedmoor MehaDreck Grocery and the Creedmoor Polymer Refinery and Matzo Bakery are proud to announce the following prices for Shmura Matzo Neki Mekoil Chashash Tzioinis this year:

Plywood Rounds from Cuban Grapefruit Trees (Mehadrin fin der Mehadrin) - 950 foodshtempelach der fint or 12000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a kilogram.

Pressed Sawdust Squares from Malaysian Hardwoods (Acceptable Bedieved for Those what Kennot Digest Plywood) - 825 foodshtempelach der 12 ountze fint oder 11000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forints far a Kilogram

Super Yoshon Wheat Flour Rounds (far koifrim who ektually make der Tzioni brooches hamoitzi on matzo) - 65 foodshtempelach der 10 ountze fint oder 10000 Communistischer tzeit Ingarisher forintlach far a Kilogram. Super Yoshon is meanink vus der flour iz geven in a demp warehouse far at least tzein yohr before der Admou'r got aross der flour far bakink end of course gebrent der warehouse far insurance.

If dis yohr der Admou"r again is kenselling Pesach, we are very sorry but if you come tzi inz far a refund we tell you like alveys: "Shaygetz Aross". You keep tryink end inzerer Creedmoor Honer Guards Tznius Patrol zig tzi dir "Shecht'im Ooon a Broooche!"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Friedmans and Werdyger Announce Baby Leasing Plan

The now divorced parents of Moshe Aryeh Friedman have long been trying to come up with a way of preventing another tragedy like their misbegotten son from inflicting itself upon the Jewish community. And Mendy Werdyger of Aderet Music has been quite successful in attracting ridicule for his new scheme of leasing music albums rather than selling them, in a harebrained attempt at putting a damper on the very real problem of copying albums.

So, the Friedmans, both jointly and separately, have joined with Werdyger, as well as leading obstetricians and hospitals which service the haimishe community, to put together a baby leasing plan which would allow for parents to break leases on defective offspring of the Moshe Aryeh Friedman variety.

However, given the confession of the cleaning lady who was responsible for the brain dislocation that makes Moshe Aryeh Friedman what he is today, we wonder how a leasing scheme can prevent future Freaky Freedies.

Depending on just where Yehuda Meshi Zahav of Zaka fame supposedly socked little Moshe Aryeh, there just might be a chance of preventing any more Friedman offspring from the Moshe Aryeh line, but given that even those who reject evolution agree that acquired traits are not inherited, damage to Moishele's reproductive capability would only benefit the Austrian government which would then be able to cap welfare benefits to Freaky Freedy at his present family size.

We will have more on this when the Friedmans and Werdyger return from their meeting with the one and only rabbinical authority who will agree to give his imprimatur to such a scheme, namely the Admou"r meCreedmoor.