Friday, February 27, 2009

We is apologizimk for the delay..


The string vus is konnektink the 2 tin kens they iz usink to make Internet connect is broken and myne connect is very bad so I ken't give Reb Gimpel der information he is needink for his 2 naye article. So he have dem up in time far next Tuesday and den he ritink some new ones.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Here's What's Coming Up! Mishenichnas Adar Marbim beCreedmoor!


So, what do we have coming before Shabbos:

So far:

1) A full shiur on Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius - the Halachas of Modesty Patrols!

From the proper choice of detergents, bleaches, acids, vegetables and syrups to exact measurements of proper forms of dress, only der Admou"r has the answers. And of course he explains just who should pay for the services of the Mishmeres, and how to give him his cut..........

2) Der Admou"r meCreedmoor Sues Hungary in the Hague! Compensation demanded for the crimes of Attila the Hun......lawsuit linked to shady rabbi in Queens and possible backing for an illegal and highly implausible investment scheme...

Ponzi? Pfff... Madoff? Move aside! Der Admou"r combines a frivolous lawsuit which he manages to file only thanks to liberal drug laws in Holland (hint - ever try hash kokosh cake?), with an investment scheme to cook up the best international fraud scheme ever.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Real Truth


While I appreciate Mr Friedman is so enamoured of my journalistic powers that he cites my publication as the reason for his feigned tshive, I must reveal the real reason.

With Purim coming, the hopes of the Jewish people are focused on the speedy and not necessarily painless or politically expedient removal from the ranks of the living of the present day Haman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad YMS. And the traditional punishment for the likes of Ahmadinejad is of course hanging, particularly from 50 amos above the capital (Teheran will do although Shushan of then is Hamadan of today).

Now, an extremely light and fragile (half a) man such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very difficult to hang as he will sway in the wind and possibly slip out of his noose. In primitive Iran, the way this is prevented is the use of ballast, or a weight attached to the victim's legs or back.

And who would make better ballast than the similarly flyweighted Fweeky Fweedy, the Chief Rabbi Designate of the Regime of the New Haman? Together, the two halves of the loving couple (which one is the eizer and which the kenegdo?) will reach a proper weight for fast and efficient hanging.

So, out of fear that the Jews in Iran will re-enact the Purim story by also ridding themselves of Zeresh ishto, Fweeky Fweedy, who as pictures prove was lawfully wedded to Ahmadinejad by a Conservative Islamic imam, has temporarily disassociated himself from his husband.

We expect this situation to change after Purim, when Fweeky Fweedy searches yet again for attention!

And we at Der Shygetz - Der Eppes a Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikve-Nyess Blatt - will not give Fweedy any more attention at this time but instead finish some of the articles which remain neglected here, as well as provide our readers with such timely information as "How to Choose A Ponzi Investment Scheme".

Coming very soon - a full shiur on an oft neglected topic in halacha le(bubba)maaseh - Hilchos Mishmeres HaTznius al pi ha Admou"r meCreedmoor.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Fweekjob Confesses: I am Afraid From the Creedmoor Chronicler!


Vienna (Baabemaases Press Agency):

"He knows who am I! He is knowing that I was thrown in washing machine at birth and this is why I am who I is!" So exclaimed the eminently ludicrous Moshe Aryeh Friedman to our reporter this morning. The interview took place in his small, secluded murky mudwater mikveh where Friedman swims every morning along with his pet rat, Herzlyimachshmoi.

The man he refers to with such trepidation is none other than Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Esq, the owner and publisher of the famous Yinglish newspaper "Der Shygetz", which is distributed free of charge in Otisville Federal Penitentiary as well as several men's ritual baths in Brooklyn, NY.

Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher, a journalist who himself is known for his narrowly avoided convictions, namely on charges of illegal manufacture of alcoholic beverages from wood and polystyrene resin, became renowned as the premier mikve journalist in cyberspace when he fabricated and exposed the infamous Admou"r meCreedmoor. The Admou'r is a self appointed phantom Chassidic rebbe who boasts ninety plus trillion followers, every one of whom exists only on the welfare and medical insurance rolls of various countries as well as the United Nations.

And Pashkvilkemacher was the first and only one to discern the awful truth: Moshe Aryeh Friedman is a Chassid of this Rebbe, whose legal name is David Schmoigerman. Friedman apparently relied on Schmoigerman to smuggle him out of Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, where Friedman was a registered patient and where Schmoigerman illegally occupies several abandoned buildings. Pashkvilkemacher also gained access to medical records which proved that Friedman suffers from permanent brain dislocation due to his having been thrown in a washing machine as a baby. This was the final blow in a series of babyhood misfortunes which began when Friedman was born premature in the back of a butcher shop and kept alive with a chicken incubator that was powered improperly with a single AAA cell when it was meant to run on a 9 volt battery. In addition, baby Moishe Aryeh was given helium that was kept on hand for inflating balloons at a nearby party favors store, rather than oxygen which is standard medical practice for premature babies.

"Yes, the Rebbe from Creedmoor got me to Europe. He roll me up in a bedsheet and throw me out from a window on the second floor. Myne parents sent me to Creedmoor because after I was thrown in that washing machine there was nowhere else to put me. The Rebbe taught me that I didn't have to be satisfied with just one disability and SSI cheque; he said even a little pipsquirt like me can get 1000 of them with my eyes closed. But this I am not liking; I like better to take money from Iran. Then it all stop when I get toman from Mahmoudele and I complain I can't convert them nisht in Vilyemburg. Then Mahmoudele he say now we are divorced, so if that the way they are treating me I am not wanting nothing more to do with myne old gang."

"Besides, I am afraid from Der Shygetz. His paper they call me a freak, a nut, a Fweeky Fweedy and from this I am sick. So maybe I pretend I a little bit normal and see if I can for myself and my family get a few Austrian welfare checkelach and some EU subsidies. They are giving for all kinds of farmers all kinds of subsidies and in America I was geven a funny farmer so I am for sure eligible. So maybe now I settle down to a quiet new life without no Iran and no Creedmoor and no Shygetz making fun from me."

Needless to say, given the coherence and authenticity of this interview, and the approaching Purim holiday, we doubt our colleague Rabbi Pashkvilkemacher will let up on his intensive coverage of the most insignificant little windbag in all of the Jewish World, Moshe Aryeh Friedman a/k/a Fweeky Fweedy.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Fweeky Fweedy Does Tshive


Yes, the unexpected has happened! Mamash Moshiach's tzeit! The eminently ludicrous Moishe Aryeh Friedman, whose utter lack of resemblance to either Moishe Rabbenu or a lion as well as his not exactly being tzi frieden has led me to rename him Fweeky Fweedy, has announced that he has done tshive and has renounced his love for the Naye Homon, Mahmoud Ahmadinanejendeh Dam Reshoim Yerakev.

He announced this on the frum equivalent of the Jerry Springer show, namely the Zevel Hoizbrenner circus hour, which has been (dis)graced by Fweedy, his buddy Scheiss, the infamous Bittul HaTzoimos group who are doing their part to turn Crown Heights into Clown Depths, and other various and sundry fringe freaks.

However, we at Der Vochedige Velt-Barimte Mikveh Nayes/Der Shygetz/Gelber Zhournal know the real reason for his so called tshive.

Apparently, in one of his usual harebrained schemes, Fweeky attempted to convert the Iranian toman which he received from Mad Mahmoud into US EBT credits a/k/a food shtempelach so that he could send his EBT card to sympathizers in the US who in turn would send him his beloved Green's (as in mouldy) Kokosh Cake.

Since the US and Iran do not have diplomatic relations and even the Admou"r meCreedmoor, who prints his own toman in odd-numbered denominations (and even in a user friendly fill in your own zeroes format), does not wish to associate with Fweeky these days, the transaction was impossible. In any case, even if his supporters paid in cash, no grocer would sell kokosh cake for transshipment to Fweeky, who is in chyrem across the Jewish spectrum. So, Fweeky Fweedy had to do whatever he could to get out of chyrem and get his farshtinkeneh, farshimelt cake ASAP.

Therefore, Fweeky sold out for nothing but restoration of his US food shtempelach and a few pounds of mouldy kokosh cake. He is still waiting for Zevel Hoizbrenner to figure out where Green's Bakery is located and how to get cake from Brooklyn to Vienna in one decomposing piece.

That is a bit more than the government of the medine got for selling out to world opinion in the middle of cleaning up Gaza.

Update: I have received a letter from the eminent Fweakjob himself saying that his exasperation at being the butt of my satire, especially as Adar once again approaches, was the main factor in his shocking announcement. It is presently being translated from gibberish and will be posted along with my response after Shabbos.